• Member Since 24th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 7th, 2014

CutieMarkCrusaders


Sweetie Belle is the best pony, and I can think of ten reasons why.

E
Source

All these years there has been a piece of information about Rainbow Dash's family that even she didn't know about. One day, her father comes to visit her from Cloudsdale, bringing with him a long lost family member; Rainbow Dash's twin sister, Spirit Dash. Rainbow Dash finds herself all alone when her friends discover that they like Spirit better than Rainbow.

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 107 )
Comment posted by CutieMarkCrusaders deleted Sep 30th, 2013

3209525 woo!!!!good job a*** i cant say your real name on this but yeah.....good job!!!:rainbowkiss::rainbowlaugh:

Another story where the bicycle with no breaks rushes through the city...

Gotta love em:facehoof:

I hate it when paragraphs are poorly spaced, I like em having at least one line separating em

Like this

Y'know?

It's like an OCD nitpick I have.

Also great story so far

3249126
thnx! i will try to get the next chapter out soon.
also, no offense, but i dont really like having spaces between paragraphs. I wrote it the way i did cause i like it that way. srry:unsuresweetie:

wow that's so good gtg see ya tomarrow i'll finish my story then <3:pinkiehappy:

This was a little confusing at the beginning, who the heck was crying?

Rainbow Dash! remember how twilight was the only one knowing she was crying? and she had a hoof around her so... yeah. i will try to make it more clear. :twilightsmile:

A couple of things about putting your dialogue together.

"Rainbow Dash!" Applejack called from below.
"Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash, wake up!" Dash opened her eyes and looked down at Applejack.

When you started a new line, I thought Dash was starting to speak, so it was confusing until I got it straightened out. To avoid confusing your readers (or maybe just me) you could put it this way:

"Rainbow Dash!" Applejack called from below. "Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash, wake up!"
Dash opened her eyes and looked down at Applejack.

Also:

"Well he was wanderin' around town an-" "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get to the point AJ!" Dash interrupted.

A similar thing here. When you start a new line of dialogue place it on a new line, even if it's someone interrupting someone else.

"Well he was wanderin' around town an-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get to the point AJ!" Dash interrupted.

Like that. I hope you don't take this for "nitpicking", it actually makes reading your story a bit easier.

3249129

Yeah, I initially started writing without spaces, just using indentations like you have. But something with the way it looks online makes me like spaces a lot more. More room for the text to "breathe" if you know what I mean. :twilightsmile:

And....cliffhanger, darn it :twilightangry2:

3255542

ok thank you. I will do the indentation thing, and i dont think of it as nitpicking. I think of it as constructive criticism, so..... THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: i will make those changes immediately.

However, about the spaces in between the paragraphs, i don't like how it looks that way, and it is my story, so... i'm not going to change it. it's not bad grammar or anything, so its fine that way.

Thanks for the constructive criticism, and i hope you enjoyed my story! :derpytongue2:

FRIST! and lol nice story though

3266979
thnx! chapter 5 will be out as soon as possible :twilightsmile:

I've gotta say this, Spirits character is hollow, her backstory has next to no detail, it's just 'I was kidnapped before I was one, I wrote SOS letters even though I didn't know I needed saving, I found dad again!' With no detail given on what happened to her after she was kidnapped, who kidnaped her? Why?
And her motives for trying to ruin Dash's life seem non-existent. The only thing that would make any sense about her character existing would be the whole 'she's a CHANGLING!!!' Approach.

If that was the case, Her reasoning for trying to take up the Mane 6 would make sense, making the elements of Harmony useless. Her trying to archive a romantic partner, would make sense, due to her needing love to survive. Her poor background story and special talent would make sense! Her hollow character would, also, make sense, due to her not actually thinking her excuses through enough.

3275370
she is not a chnagling and im sorry but when you type it like that, it feels like you are dissing my story. if you actually WAIT FOR TWO SECONDS you will figure out more stuff about her. dont be so darn quick to judge, and please dont post things like that. you kind of hurt my feelings. :fluttercry:

Comment posted by Rainbow87dash deleted Sep 29th, 2013
Comment posted by CutieMarkCrusaders deleted Oct 5th, 2013

3277128
also, no offense, but please refrain from cursing in my comments. thanks! :raritywink:

3277285 why did you delete the comment? I could have edited it

3277597
sorry but i have a very strict no-curse policy.

YAY! 40 views already? awesome!:rainbowkiss:

well thats Quick, I wonder how spirit dash looks like

Y'know it's kinda hard to believe that the element of HONESTY couldn't tell Dash was telling the truth :ajbemused:

3281470
it just means that applejack is honest it doesnt mean she can tell dash is telling the truth. if you dont like it dont read it. :ajbemused:

Comment posted by Rainbow87dash deleted Oct 5th, 2013

I personally LOVE this chapter. I love the way this is going. I really want to help with the next one. btw, yay!:yay:

3275370 RAINBOW87DASH YOU NEED TO STOP OK?! NOT ONE PERSON HIRED YOU TO COMMENT MY ON FRIENDS STORY! YOU ALSO NEED TO STOP CRITICIZING!!! IF YOU WANT A BETTER STORY THEN GO MAKE ANOTHER ONE OF THIS BUT GIVE US CREDIT FIRST! NOW NO ONE ASKED YOUR OPINION SO JUST STOP TRYING TO "FIX" THINGS!!! GOOD DAY SIR!:flutterrage::trixieshiftleft:

3287984

thnx, rd73!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

3248943
uh... what exactly do you mean by that?

also, please dont copy my story. :derpytongue2:

Ok, so here's the deal:

Story plot: interesting. It is a nice change, I like it.
Character's personality: Good, no one can get spot on.
Development: Nice job
The only thing I find lacking, and really want, is more fluff in the story (not sure if this means to you what it means to me). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the story, but I could go for more content per chapter.

Still worthy of a favorite though. Good job!

Stay Awesome

RDD

P.S.-I bloody hate Spirit Dash. That is a good sign. I means I am into the story.
P.P.S.- Dash should beat Spirit into the dust. She deserves it.
P.P.P.S.-If you ever want me to help write or edit something, PM me and I will do as fast as I can.

3297757
thanks! I will try to add more content into each chapter! also, i know that rd can beat her into the dust, (and that might happen later on! :rainbowdetermined2:) so.....

Thank you!!!:pinkiehappy:

Now, I have to agree with 3275370 this story is extremely lacking in certain areas, most notably, character development and behaviour :ajbemused: it just seems....off.

You could have at least given more backstory to Spirit

3301199
does anypony actually read the comments i post? anypony? anypony at all? :ajbemused:

3301429 why the heck are you writing anypony? :ajbemused:

3301199 I've been mentioned....why? :rainbowhuh:

3301629 uhh...no reason, go back to whatever you were doing, previously! :applejackconfused:

Kidding, I was just backing up your uhh...statement?

3301636 :unsuresweetie: okay then? C'ya I ain't gonna get involved in whatever you're doing ya crazy nut....

3301641 I'm not a crazy nut! I'm a walnut, there's a difference!

3301647 :facehoof: wow just....wow
We'll good sir I shall be leaving you now, remember, breathing is important!

3301623
because this is a pony site. :ajbemused:

Comment posted by Crescent-087 deleted Oct 5th, 2013
Comment posted by CutieMarkCrusaders deleted Oct 5th, 2013
Comment posted by Crescent-087 deleted Oct 5th, 2013
Comment posted by CutieMarkCrusaders deleted Oct 5th, 2013
Comment posted by RainbowDash73 deleted Oct 5th, 2013
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