Painis, Pans, and Ponies
8:00PM
Princess Twilight Sparkle's bedchambers.
Canterlot Palace.
Twilight sat alone at a desk amidst piles of letters, books, and scrolls. Her tired eyes skimmed over yet another message from a snooty noble, giving 99 reasons why Twilight should take his hoof in marriage, and that he should be Prince. Sighing loudly, facehoofing, and letting out a slow, stressed breath, she levitated her quill to a new piece of paper. Unfurling it, she wrote;
To Duke Gem Rhine XIII
Go buck yourself. But on a lighter hoof, congratulations!
You're the 1000th letter of this type I've received since becoming part of the monarchy.
All my non-existent and totally sarcastic love,
- Princess Twilight
Yawning in satisfaction at her hoofwork, she furled it back up, sealed it, and made it disappear, headed on an express path to 'Duke' Gem Rhine's house. She knew he was sprucing himself up. She'd met him, and he simply dismissed her as Princess Celestia's little pet.
Now who was the bitch, hmm?
She didn't much partake in swearing, she thought as she got up and exited the massive piles of letters, but she had MUCH matured since she donned her crown. In fact, she was the last one out of her friends to get a pet, since she thought she couldn't handle it. She paused for a second, and looked behind her. Reaching almost to the ceiling, the huge mountain of letters loomed high over her. That was the Junk Mail pile. Nothing interesting came from those, she found, except the free samples of magic enhancement pills, free quills, and offers from buisnesses she liked. So, since it wasn't tourist season, she concentrated for a second. Then, in a huge blinding flash and burst of pressure and heat, the pile had reverted to a small pile of ash. After righting her crown and mane, Twilight ignited her horn again and levitated a sweeping brush over to do the rest.
Confident she was finished for the evening, she opened the door to the hallway, stepped out, and closed it again. She looked to her door guards; one was a relatively small stallion called Inferno Cloud, the other somepony she already knew, Flash Sentry. Giving both a nod and smile, she began to head to dinner.
8:00PM.
2Fort, RED respawn.
The Badlands, New Mexico.
The lone BLU Heavy approached the doors, minigun held ready but not spun up due to the early-warning signal it served for the enemy. He'd heard stories of this spawn; that those who entered, RED or BLU, would never exit. Those who did return came back so horribly mutilated that they'd never walk again. Even worse, the mental scarring meant that they'd only ever repeat the line "Please don't let him eat me." over and over. The last person to come back was a Scout. Now, said Scout can't run, but instead screams at the top of his lungs at the sight of a RED Soldier and cowers.
But Heavy is giant man, thought BLU Heavy, as he stood right next to the spawn door. My fists, they are made of steel! No tiny man is match for me! Heavy is strong, Sandvich make Heavy strong and tough. Whatever is on other side, Heavy will squash like BUG. These thoughts carried on through his head as he placed his ape-like hands at the bottom of the door, and counted to three.
"One, two...THREE!" Heavy yelled, before ripping the door upwards at high speed, lifting his Iron Kurtain up to firing position, and span it up, all whilst yelling a fearsome battle cry. He fully expected there to be some RED babies to be in there, and for them to pull out baby guns to try fighting him, but much to his disappointment, nobody was there. He halted Sascha's spinning, placed her on the floor, and put his Purity Fist arms on his hips.
"Ohhhh..." he sighed, before pulling the spawn door shut and trudging to a bench and sitting down. "It is sad day." He lifted his Team Captain and scratched his head. All of a sudden, there was a shifting sound up above. Raising a brow and peering upwards, he noticed that in the rafters was a lone, default RED Soldier. He was almost ragdoll-like in the way he was positioned, with limbs bent at strange angles. However, his oddness didn't scare Heavy; instead, the towering Russian got up, raised his fists, and adopted a fighting stance. "Come down and fight me, coward!" he yelled.
The Soldier looked down at him. Then, before Heavy could respond, there was a loud repeated clicking noise as he slid across the ceiling, down the walls, across the floor, and in front of him. He simply lay there, back arched upwards and head tilted back so Heavy could see his eyes. They glared down at the worried man, the Soldier not even blinking. Finally, he spoke. "I, am Painis Cupcake." he declared, pointing to himself. Heavy simply stared back in utmost confusion. "I will eat you." The Soldier's face contorted to that of extreme happiness, as he began a rather wheezy laugh. By this time, Heavy had seen enough.
He screamed loudly and ran over to Sascha. She could save him. She could save him from anything. But just before he reached the wooden and steel minigun, he felt an extreme pain in his legs, causing him to topple to the floor and screech in pain. Rolling himself over, he could see that, to his horror, the Soldier was at the bottom of him, covered in blood and grinning psychotically. "I will eat you." he declared one final time. And before Heavy could yell any more, it was over; Painis simply enlarged his head and swallowed Heavy whole, leaving behind nothing but his blood-soaked Team Captain. Painis lay there for a moment.
'Nope, still hungry.' he thought, before the loud clicking noise ensued again. Then, Painis returned to his roof bar, and quickly fell asleep, waiting for his next meal to enter the room.
8:00PM.
Turbine Central Zone.
Badlands, New Mexico.
The RED Demoman sat next to his favourite container, idly scanning through the newest Mann Co. catalog. All around lay the dead bodies of enemies and team-mates alike, all deceased following a bloody battle, meaning the Demo was on his own while both teams prepared for the next attacks. Well, almost alone. A sudden movement above him caused him to look up quickly, almost dropping his magazine in shock. Cheerfully staring back was a RED Sniper, a grin on his face and a Bushwacka in each hand.
"G'day, wanker!" he said happily, before landing on the surprised Demoman. The Scotsman felt all the force of a crocket in that landing, and felt as though he had been gibbed. Shaking his head clear, and dismissing the Archimedes flying around his head, he got up and stared at the Sniper angrily.
"Bloody hell, lad!" he shouted at the new Sniper. He seemed to be default, meaning he must have just been moved to Turbine from another map. "Ye could've 'ad me good eye out! Be careful next time!" Sniper obviously wasn't listening: He had a grin on his face, and one arm extended to Demoman's stomach. He looked down, and saw that the Australian had stuck a Bushwacka through his gut and was holding it there, blood still spilling out of the wound. Demo screamed in pain and fell to the ground clutching the handle, desperate to pull it out. Sniper emitted a rather disturbing chuckle.
"I'm a bloody Sniper!" he proudly declared, before pulling out a Half-Zatoichi from seemingly nowhere and pointing to it after he lopped off Demo's left arm. "Now THIS, is a knife." he smirked. Next, he took the katana, and took it to Demoman's other arm. The Scotsman was in fits of agony, screaming. As what seemed like a final blow, the Sniper pulled out two Boston Bashers, gave both bloody spiked bats a twirl, and slammed them into the eyesockets of Demo. Clearly, the Demoman had nothing more to say, and instead keeled over with a shocked expression,his blood sprayed everywhere, and not breathing.
"Mongrel." Sniper chuckled.
BLU Sniper steadied his aim. This RED Sniper was too dangerous to live; he teamkilled a Demoman, and painted an area around him completely red in blood. A RED Spy was reclined on the same container, another worthy target, but even he didn't seem that bothered by his team-mate's murder. Snarling, BLU Sniper squinted, levelled the blue dot to the enemy's head, and-
GentleSpy came out of cloak, his hat brow lowered over his eyes, and Ambassador pointed at the back of the BLU Sniper's head. He noticed Christian Brutal Sniper was nearby, and what better way to tell him that he was nearby than to blow the head off a Sniper that was about to kill a good friend? Chuckling, GentleSpy casually pulled the trigger, keeping his hat lowered with an evil smirk. The BLU Sniper, meanwhile, was falling off a steel platform with no face.
"Pardon me." GentleSpy excused himself. He lifted the brow of his Fancy Fedora, and looked down at Christian. As usual, he was butchering the corpse of his victim, whilst his friend Spy watched and kept his mouth shut about the blood on his suit. Of course, blood on a suit was not something that bothered GentleSpy: in fact, he loved the stuff! Just to see his team colours sprayed everywhere, and to show that he was the best of RED. Well, possibly besides Christian Brutal Sniper. Suddenly, his Sniper friend looked up from his task of putting a Headtaker to the legs of the unfortunate Demoman, and waved cheerfully.
"G'day, Spy!" he called over. GentleSpy cloaked himself with a smirk, and reappeared next to Sniper. He gestured to the body. "Demo's a goner." he chuckled, before placing another two Eyelanders into the head of Demoman. GentleSpy looked up to the other RED Spy with a smile.
"Good day to you." he chuckled. The other Spy simply gave a nod and smile, before going back to wiping most of the arm muscle from his suit. Finally, when he realised it was a suit that was done anyway, like the previous few hundred, he sighed, unbuttoned it, and threw it away carelessly. It became a daily thing for Spy to chuck a perfectly good jacket away, since Christian was really the only person he could follow and feel safe, since nobody ever messed with anybody that was close to the Christian Brutal Sniper. A friend of Christian's was far too well-loved by Christian himself to so much as rip their clothing.
"So," GentleSpy said as he sat beside Christian, "How's life?"
"Fine, thanks." Sniper replied. "Thanks for savin' me from the bloody Sniper, mate."
"My pleasure. Any interesting kills, recently?"
"Well..." Sniper promptly went into great detail about a recent slaughter of a small group of BLUs at Watchtower,and how he dismembered each one. His other Spy friend simply wandered off so as not to feel sick again due to the excessive information on how his friend deals with a captured spleen. And, for that Spy, wandering off was a rather good turn of fortune, as the Announcer came over the speakers to announce another mission beginning in just 60 seconds. He could already hear the battle cries of both teams as he walked into RED base, but he knew that no matter how many of them ran at Christian and GentleSpy, nobody but those two would come out on top.
Spy didn't much mind GentleSpy; in fact, the two had a lot in common. It was really just his name that confused him. 'Gentle'? He was one of the Badland terrors, a serial killer, even. Yes, he envied the rather gentlemanly Fedora, but not much the fact that seeing said fedora from over the shoulder of a friend was feared by so many. GentleSpy also got all the ladies. Spy didn't, and he could only assume that it was because every time he went on a date with a lady, he arrived covered in blood, and also the fact his best friend was one of the world's cruelest murderers. That was more than enough for him to be left alone at the dinner table with his head in his hands.
All of a sudden, a RED Engineer tapped him on the shoulder. "You alright there, Spy? I ain't seen you on this team before." he said. Spy simply looked at him. Engineer promptly recognised the look of sorrow and 'they're both here' in Spy's blue eyes, and his jaw dropped. "Y'all're sayin'...?" he stuttered, backing away. Spy was about to step forward and explain, but Engineer backed away further, raising both hands. "N-No! D-Don't come any closer! Ah-ah ain't done nothin' wrong, jus' don't hurt me, sir!" panicked the Texan, before he sprinted off down the hallway to the intelligence room. Spy dropped his hands and sighed.
'Come on, god.' he thought, looking upwards to the roof. 'Just one new friend. Please.'
Sadly, he turned back the way he came, and headed back to the bloodbath that was the central transition between both bases. All REDs simply recoiled when he looked at them; he might as well have been GentleSpy and Christian rolled into one the way they simply responded to him. It took a simple look, and that was it before the Scout began crying about his regrets as his teammates tried to comfort him. Amidst the fear, Spy trudged out of the door and entered the battlefield to receive the same treatment and head to Christian's van.
Another day in the life of Spy.
8:20PM.
Canterlot Dining Hall.
Canterlot Palace, Equestria.
"Sorry I'm late, Princess." Twilight said as she sat down. Celestia and Luna were already sat down at the table awaiting their meals, with a few other important figures around the table as guests. "I had to sort through some junk mail, and I must say, they give out a lot of sexual performance enhancers as free samples." Celestia simply chuckled.
"I suppose so, Twilight, I simply must get that issue adressed with a new law. Though, some are quite effective..." Luna simply coughed with a frown.
"Ahem, I, ah, don't think that's really something we need to know, sister." she interrupted politely. "But yes, we need that adressed. Twilight, have you thought of anything for that college's request into inter-dimensional species? They were here for hours requesting your audience." Twilight sighed and put her head in her hooves.
"Ugh, this again? Have they not learned from cross-dimensional weaponry that the other realm is not to be trifled with?" she groaned. "And besides, I'd have to know how safe some of these creatures were, but I can't exactly just go there without something happening."
"Hmm..." Celestia put a hoof to her chin, before looking to the purple alicorn. "Twilight, meet me in the library after dinner; I think I may have a solution." Just then, all three meals arrived, and dinner was served.
8:20PM.
trade_plaza.
Somewhere in the TF2niverse.
RED Sniper placed the Unusual burning Armored Authority helmet on the table, and pushed it forward slowly, before leaning on one elbow on the table. He was wearing some pretty expensive stuff; a Vintage Trophy Belt with Team Spirit paint, worth 3 keys without paint and 4 with paint, a Doublecross-Comm with the same paint, worth almost 6 keys, and a pair of Teufort Tooth Kickers, worth a key and a bit with the Team Spirit paint. The Soldier sat opposite him looked him in the eyes though his Team Captain. After a moment of glaring at each other, the Soldier reached behind him, and pulled out just what Sniper was looking for; an Unusual version of his current hat, the Trophy Belt, but with a small orb of fire circling it gently. He looked down at the hat, and then at Soldier. It was a truly tense moment; would they agree?
"Done." Sniper nodded, extending a hand. Soldier shook it firmly, and both collected their hats as they stood up.
"Good trade, soldier." Soldier said gruffly.
"Likewise." Sniper replied as he poured paint all over his new hat. It changed the colour of the band to a red that matched his shirt, and he put it straight on, placing his old hat in his backpack. Then, both of them parted ways to their spawns, where they stayed put for a while. Just then, catching the eyes of everyone, a man appeared in the middle of the map. It was a simple BLU Demoman, wearing a pirate hat, white shutter glasses, and a Chargin' Targe. In his other hand, there was a pan. He had a cheerful smile on his face, and as per ritual since he had a nice hat, a RED Scout ran out to meet him. He was wearing a Ghostly Gibus, a much-hated hat, and Pyrovision goggles, and wearing a small badge that told everyone he was less Scout, more Scoot.
Demoman clicked his neck as he stared at him with his grin. "Demopan?" he asked, before sharply bringing his pan up. Held on the basin was a bright red military band hat, or 'Shako'. It was put in front of the Scout's face, who stared at it in confusion. "Stout Shako," Demopan declared, pointing to the hat, "For 2 refined." Scout scared at him in disgust.
"Uhh, no." he said angrily, before pointing to Demopan's Bounty Hat. It was pretty expensive...so Scout pulled out his Pain Train, and offered it to Demopan in an undeniably stupid move-
WHUNG
The Scout was instantly flung across the room, and everybody heard the audible snap of all his bones breaking against the wall. Demopan was there, pan raised post-swing, snarling. "NO." he said angrily. "STOUT SHAKO, FOR TWO REFINED."
The Snoipeh wants to trade with you!
Trolldier wants to trade with you!
Scunt wants to trade with you!
MeeMdic wants to trade with you!
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Oh hell...
XD THE PURE DEMOPANISHNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES I MADE A NEW WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ppssshhh I can take that pan Im the thief of life after all i can simply steal his life force.
Im not sure about tHis and IM tHe mage of space!
I dont care im gonna try it!
*2 hours later*
ow ow ow ow
told you so yeNca
The moment I read that, Painis' theme started playing in my head.