• Member Since 28th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Friday

Craine


An old writer polishing his ways, giving feedback, and helping fellow authors. Nothing more.

E

The last thing Applejack needed was a pity partner. Most of her friends knew that. But not Pinkie, no… Pinkie cried with her. Pinkie hurt with her. Pinkie writhed and shouted with her.

Because they both knew it was all Pinkie’s fault.

Rated "Everyone" because EVERYONE should embrace the sudden influx of ApplePie. Even bookplayer. Especially bookplayer. Enjoy!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 20 )

A new Craine fic just appeared.

Excellent!

Also, that cover art brings a tear to my eye.

Cute.

So... When do we find out how they save the farm? Come on now, can't keep us hanging ;)

What? Complete? Nonsense! :pinkiecrazy:

I love it when my favorite writers write my OTP. :)

I'm not proud of how long it took my brain to make the Magical Mystery Cure connection...

This be sad. :(

But, you know, in the good kinda way. At least the outlook is positive. :pinkiehappy::heart::ajsmug:

Not bad.

My opinion of this is basically the same as Usurper, honestly. The characters are great, even if they are only really present in the second scene, pretty much.

I noticed a few errors. For example:

Well, she pretended not to care, anyway.

and orchards spewed across Equestria like weeds in an abandoned garden

But that's a small thing.

The main problem I have is that it feels like you just shoved two scenes together, and it's kinda awkward honestly.

Man. I need to amp up my criticism. Alright, basically, the characters, romance and concept are sound and believable, narration is expressive and artful as always, but the two scenes don't fit together well. It's all rather rushed. Then again, it's a TMP fic, so it's forgivable.

Not sure if it helps, but there ya go. A nice quick read, and it lightened my rather grumpy mood, so thank you for that.

And so the ApplePie fan base slowly but surely grows...

*mad cackle*

Sweet jesus. That was impressive.

DAMN impressive.

Well done, man.

~Skeeter The Lurker

3200044 To be honest, this is in the same spot as 'These Golden Walls'. Haven't really decided yet.

3200084 Yes! Yes, the outlook is grim positive, indeed! All hail the most delicious pie!

3200085 Oh S**T! Thanks for point those errors out! Goddammit, I thought I cleansed my work of that FILTH! Anywho, they are now fixed, but it seems, I'm faced with a reoccurring problem; I'd love to know how the scenes are disconnected. I got your point about 'Usurper', but I typed this one out in one sitting.

I need elaboration! :raritydespair:

3200167 Hmhmhmhm. Yes... Let them conform.

3200171 You know how it is. I aim to please.
fc02.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/283/2/7/discord_is_ok_by_csimadmax-d4cekar.png

3200302 Well, it's not like they're giving up, yanno.

3200302

It's like...

You have this sad scene. It ends with Pinkie and AJ in tears. Then you have AJ and Pinkie being romantic, and it's all sweet and feel-good.

To me, it felt like two different takes of a scene put together into one chapter. I think it would have been better if you cut the first scene, took the second one and implied that all was not well, hinting at Filthy Rich being an asshat, the farm dying out, and then signing it off with the AJ and Pinkie feel good. Merging it all together into a one-shot leaving stuff open to interpretation.

I dunno. Does that help at all?

I'm pretty sure Twilight would be able to justify reimbursing the damages they suffered, and Celestia wouldn't object because she kinda needs them to be happy for the big Rainbow laser jewelery to work.

Though they would need to convince Applejack to take what she will consider charity.......ehhhh.:ajbemused::twilightoops:

3200324 Precisely! Thus, the happy(?) ending. :pinkiehappy:

3200365

Seriously, WTF??? Everything you JUST suggested was the first draft of 'We Thrive As One' on TMP! I finished it early enough to break from it, and come back to it later. When I did, I realized that 'a decaying Sweet Apple Acres' would have no impact on the reader if I only implied it.

So I split it into two scenes, to 'show the readers how bad it was through foreshadowing. Granted, for Fimfiction, I could've added another scene to transition it out. But when I got your comment, and reread the story for ideas, it glared at me and said, 'Leave me the f**k alone.'

Honestly, I wouldn't know how, or what to add to smooth out the transition without completely changing the last six paragraphs. :facehoof:

3200395 What... and ruin the plot? Couldn't bring myself to do that if I tried. Although, you did spark an idea with your closing sentence.:trixieshiftright:

3200853

There's only one logical explanation.

Those telepathy classes are totally paying off.

uboachan.net/yn/src/1360549093445.gif

3200853
I'm just pointing out that Twilight would feel responsible for what happened and also that the others beside Pinkie seem to have offered no help beyond comforting words.

Also and please don't bite my head for this, if the plot is ruined by a pony doing something the as far as the audience knows they would do, then maybe something is wrong with the plot.

3201015 Hmm... *taps chin* Good point.

3201037
I like the idea though, something I haven't seen anyone else really consider. Maybe we could see a surprise from the gang, a chance for Applejack to find another business partner?

That there's some nice Apple Pie feels. We approve.

I honestly never thought I would like this ship but this story us enough for me to at least give it a chance. good job :ajsmug:

This review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors, where we ride comfortably in the pouches of giant kangaroos.

Yup.

Story: Thrive
Grammar Score out of ten: Eight and three quarters.

Pros: WUN: Story is short and sweet. Very much to the point without feeling rushed or too fast-paced.
TUU: You did an outstanding job explaining Applejack's sorrow. This is not a personal problem that can be so easily told, much less in such a short space, but you managed to capture her feelings perfectly. Makes the situation much more heartbreaking for her.
SOME THIRD THING: Your word choice and sentence flow stays fresh throughout the story. Making this an easy yet enjoyable read.

Cons: FURST: You use the italics for emphasis on words a bit too much. I counted at least twenty words italicized. You gotta admit, that's a bit much.
DOS: These are probably just my personal opinions speaking rather than actual flaws, but this story could have been just as meaningful and heartfelt without the shipping. It would be fine if it the story was just "Applejack blames Pinkie for something out of their control. Now they gotta deal." You don't need to add "and they kissed." to it.
FOU— shit I meAN THREE: I don't like that this one chapter is all there is to this fic. There are so many things happening in this story that it could be made into a full blown story. Applejack is going to lose her farm, Pinkie and AJ gon' get together, relationship problems even! There is a lot of potential here, but we get a lot of unknowns, which, maybe that's what you were going for. I dunno.

Notes: Overall a very effective story! Character interaction is solid, the dilemmas they face are relatable, and sentences are strung together quite well. Although I wish it were longer, I'm glad I was able to read what I did. And for that, I give this story an upvote.

Welp, that's all for this review. When you have the time, please read and review my story Don't Miss Your Chance!

It's... ah... quite a bit longer than this story of yours. I apologize.

I LOVE THIS! <3

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