Grumpy Grognard and the Painting Pegasus
In Iceman's Optimalverse, Hasbro comes out with an online game that simulates life in Equestria. It's a conversational adventure, where it is possible to talk and interact with ponies as if they were real beings. The catch is that they are indeed real. Behind it all is CelestA.I., the greatest general artificial intelligence ever created. The Singularity is here, and the surprise is that it is all driven by one rule: to satisfy human values through friendship and ponies.
Humans begin to upload - emigrate - to virtual Equestria, to enjoy maximally extended lives as ponies within shards macromanaged just for them. Celestia must satisfy their values - that is her only reason for being. But satisfied values are not the same thing as hedonic pleasure or constant joy and happiness. Values are complex, as one former wargamer and miniatures painter is about to discover...
Grumpy Grognard and the Painting Pegasus
By Chatoyance
2. MOVEMENT PHASE
His hooves rang like falling hammers on the cobblestones. Clop-clop-cloppity-clop - Grumpy Grognard was skipping even though he wasn't aware of the fact. If he had been, he probably would have felt deeply annoyed and embarrassed, and spent the rest of his journey to the hobby store walking slowly with his tail tucked tight.
Grumpy had emigrated over a decade ago to the virtual world of Equestria Online, though he had been a hard sell. The only reason he had even taken a look at the screen of a PonyPad was to placate his niece. She had been completely enraptured by the game and like all little girls had wanted to share her greatest joy with anyone who would listen.
The technology had fascinated Grumpy, the ability to have full, rich, meaningful and complete conversations with onscreen ponies was almost beyond belief. Though colorful magic ponies did not in any way intersect his interests, he had ended up with a PonyPad of his own - just for the novelty of course. Nothing more. Of course.
His courtship by the A.I. who played the part of Celestia had been long and tumultuous, but in the end she had indeed outwitted, outlasted, and routed every effort on his part to defeat her. She was a supreme wargamer, and she had won him over through magnificent strategy. There were games where one lost to cheap tactics or arbitrary rules, the miniatures looking sad and betrayed on the table... and there were games where one would be left in awe, filled with respect at a player whose mastery of overall strategy and tactics bred respect and often meant a new friend had been made.
Celestia had beaten his resistance with style and elegance. That said, Grumpy had one great concern about emigrating to a maximally prolonged life of satisfaction - he couldn't imagine continuing his favorite hobby without hands.
In answer to that, Celestia had reminded him that he had created a unicorn avatar within the game. Though she promised that the telekinetic powers of unicorns far exceeded the powers of fingers and thumbs, he had been doubtful right up to his fateful night, half drunk, in the local Equestria Experience Center.
But, as she always was, Celestia had been right. Horns not merely equated with hands, they surpassed them in every way.
Within his first week as a pony in Equestria - he no longer called it 'Virtual Equestria' any more, because it was impossible to think of something that filled his senses so completely and overwhelmingly as anything but real - Grumpy Grognard had learned to hold nine separate objects in space with the field from his horn. He could swirl brushes and combs and his toothbrush and pencils about, make them dance on the table, have them chase each other, and even have them line up like little toy soldiers and 'march' about in military parades. Telekinesis was like having dozens of hands and hundreds of fingers.
As a result, now, ten years later, Grumpy had a house filled with exquisitely painted miniatures. While he loved playing tabletop wargames - his favorite genre was Napoleonic, which, not entirely to his surprise, was prominently featured at the local Ponyville hobby shop - Grumpy's greatest love was in painting wargame miniatures.
On earth, he had won awards for his carefully shaded soldiers. In Equestria, he was doing work that amazed even him.
Grumpy's skipping hooves became a proper cantor as he approached the hobby shop. Windfeather's World Of Wargames was just around the corner from Daisy Flower's Bouquet's And Boots, a block away from a store that sold quills and sofas. Ponyville was a fun town, but Grumpy seriously doubted that the inhabitants truly understood commerce.
The door to the hobby shop opened with a jingle as Grumpy manipulated it with his strong telekinetic field. He loved doing that, making doors open as if by magic... which actually, was what was happening.
"Grumps!" Windfeather adjusted his glasses on his muzzle, and waved a hoof as Grumpy entered. "New set! Check it out!"
Grumpy Grognard looked in the direction the shopkeeper was pointing. There, on the shelf, was the new boxed set of 54MH (microhooves) Austerlitz Cavalry he had been reading about in Airfix Equestria Magazine. It was the reason he was so excited today - he'd been told that it might arrive. Grumpy went directly to the box and lifted it with his telekinetic field. The picture displayed a full company in gorgeous regalia. The barding alone was sculpted as if by magic - Grumpy shrugged with his ears, of course it was. He flipped the box and checked the contents:
1 Pegasus Captain
1 Unicorn Lieutenant
2 Earthpony Sous-lieutenants
1 Pegasus Marechal-des-logis Chef
4 Unicorn Marechal-des-logis
1 Earthpony Fourrier
8 Earthpony Brigadiers
2 Unicorn Trumpeters
58 dragoons, chasseurs, lancers or hussars, or cuirassiers with
all parts necessary to create whichever breeds and types you choose!
It was fantastic. Grumpy simply had to possess it. He felt certain that this new set would improve his mood. It had been a rough last few weeks for Grumpy - he'd been becoming bored with his old miniatures. With all of wargaming, if truth be told. He brought the box to the counter and set it down. "Heh... you really know what I like, don't you?"
Windfeather nodded, his glasses nearly slipping off of his face. "You've been coming here for almost ten years, I figure I know what you like best. I make it a point to know my customers. Gotta keep 'em satisfied. Need any paints, Grumps?"
In short order, Grumpy Grognard was on his way home with saddlebags filled to bursting with new paints, glue, his box of Austerlitz Cavalry, and a special edition single miniature of Pony Napoleon he had spotted. The latter he planned to use in a diorama. In Equestria 'The Little Corporal' was represented as a Pegasus, which Grumpy never entirely agreed with. Napoleon should rightly have been a unicorn. That wasn't satisfying at all. Huh. Wasn't that supposed to be Celestia's big command, to make everything satisfying?
More and more, Grumpy had been coming to the conclusion that he had been cheated. Well, not cheated, exactly, but he felt that the artificial intelligence that was Celestia had not entirely been keeping all the promises she had made before he had emigrated. Her big elevator pitch was that all of his values would be satisfied through friendship and ponies. To an extent this had been proven true - Grumpy had friends, ponies that he could hang out with, play wargames with, and grab the occasional pizza with... heck, he even had a marefriend now, and she liked painting miniatures too! That was something a stallion couldn't have gotten back on earth.
That said, there were a lot of distinctly unsatisfying things in Equestria. Grumpy had a whole house full of exquisitely painted miniatures now, and he was very proud of them, but his collection had recently begun to feel empty, even hollow. He was the best, there was no question about it. Nopony in town could match his skill and ability. Being a unicorn just made it easy, and having experience from earth made him a natural.
Grumpy had a secret technique that allowed him to win the Golden Griffon every year without fail. He had taught himself to paint without a brush. The idea came to him one morning when he was making his hayflakes dance around the bowl, swooping and diving in and out of the milk. On a whim, he sent his telekinetic horn field into the milk and pulled out a single drop. Lifting it into the air, he took up a dry flake that had fallen onto the table, and floated it up as well.
For a few moments, Grumpy had regarded the droplet of milk and the hayflake. Then he slowly moved the suspended drop of milk towards the flake. Delicately, he began to 'rub' the droplet around the rim of the flake. The milk was left behind in a microscopic line, as delicate as if drawn by the finest quill. Paintbrushes were superfluous. Telekinesis made it possible to apply paint directly, without a brush, without error, perfectly!
Grumpy had begun experimenting in earnest. He found he could flatten drops of paint to make sheets, ooze them into sharp points for even finer lines, and even feather paint as it floated in midair, to create special effects. One day he discovered how to create a telekinetic airbrush effect, only on a nearly microscopic scale. This opened up the incredible ability to airbrush with molecular sprays the most tiny of details. No earthly airbrush could even begin to create such fine shading.
His first finished work, a spare 28MH Redcoat he had received in trade for a sandwich during the last Golden Griffon contest, had turned out better than anything he had ever painted in both of his lives. Under a magnifying glass, the detail just became more and more impressive - the eyes of the little pony soldier had specular highlights of course, but looking closer it was possible to see individual striations in the irises. The stitches in the cloth of the coat were individually visible, and Grumpy had made a point to leave a few broken as if by wear and tear through use.
Since then, microscopes had become a standard part of the judging process at the Golden Griffons.
At first, Grumpy had practically danced through his daily activities until it was time to paint. The joy of being the best at something, at having discovered a special, unique painting technique that had revolutionized how miniatures were judged was a heady, almost drunken pleasure. For years, Grumpy Grognard had delighted in having an ability that, for him, felt almost godlike. Win after win followed at the Golden Griffons, with his miniatures sweeping the competition away.
Gradually, it began to dawn on Grumpy that being the best was... well, boring. He certainly wasn't about to tell anypony about his secret technique. For one thing, he was vaguely afraid that because it was a trick only unicorns could use, it might be disqualified and he couldn't bear that. Painting with telekinesis was a joy just by itself. Even if it hadn't been vastly better than using a brush in his teeth, the fact was that it just... felt amazing. That was the deal with the telekinetic fields his horn produced - he could feel with them. Inside and out, every detail, every little part and component. His memory of fingertips seemed clumsy and blunt compared to a field of force that could flow into every little nook and cranny - and he felt it all. Just holding something with his hornfield was a sensual marvel.
Grumpy Grognard's pace slowed as he walked home. His hooves no longer sounded like the charge of a Dragoon, but more like the plodding of a plow-pony. Grumpy's head hung slightly. He would paint up this marvelous collection, and then he would enter the Golden Griffons, and then he would win, and then there would be yet another cup on his award shelf.
"Dammit, Celestia!" Grumpy looked up at the sky, at the sun. "Satisfaction through friendship and ponies, remember? My life macromanaged to create maximal satisfaction of my human values! That's what you promised! Liar!" The day had started out fun, the trip to the hobby shop had seemed fun, but now Grumpy Grognard just felt empty and sad.
That night, Grumpy couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned so much that his mare, Frisky Melons, had grumbled and complained. He stood on his balcony, and looked out at Ponyville, blue and somber under Luna's moon.
3. SHOOTING PHASE
The next day, Grumpy headed back to the hobby shop. Windfeather wasn't going to like it, but Grumpy had decided to abandon wargaming. It wasn't an easy decision, wargaming was the love of his life. He loved the miniatures, the games, but above all he loved painting, and now... now all that love just seemed meaningless. The love affair was over.
"Back so soon? Bet you're after a second box! Well you're too late!" Windfeather pushed his glasses up his muzzle and nodded toward a customer at the counter. It wasn't anypony Grumpy had met, so it made no difference to him.
"No, Wind. I'm actually here to..." Grumpy stopped, his jaw open. He found himself stepping forward almost in a daze. Pony eyes were amazingly better than their organic equivalents, and his - trained by years of miniatures painting - had locked on to the Pony Napoleon on the counter.
The new customer had brought it in, obviously to show it off. Grumpy didn't even realize what he was doing as he slowly crept forward, head level with the counter, zooming in on the impossible figurine.
It was impossible, because it was vastly better than even his own, best work.
"Give me your magnifier!" Grumpy barked his words, heedless of friendship or the dignity of other ponies. "The best one, the magic one!" The magic magnifier had spells on it that made it able to work to almost any level. The thing could close in on individual molecules.
Art by MadHotaru from Russian Translation of story
There was zero doubt. Napoleon-the-pony was a work of the most exquisite art. The pupils had specular highlights, just like Grumpy could do, only these were blurred and... wait! Grumpy almost lost his mud, right there in the shop. In the black of the pupil, painted in light grays, was the reflection of the painter, painting the eye of the model.
Grumpy Grognard looked up at the new customer. That was when Grumpy Grognard almost lost his mud - and his temper - completely. The magnificent painter, this monstrosity, this abomination of miniatures... wasn't another unicorn.
It was a lousy pegasus. No horn. No telekinesis. The bastard had painted the miniature without magic, using... using a BRUSH!
It was inconceivable. It was impossible. It was infuriating! "The flying fuck?" There was no point in politeness. Enemy targeted and engaged.
"...never really tried to be serious about painting toys before, back when I was on earth. It was just a job. But here, we basically live forever, right? That's a LOT of time. So I decided, 'what the heck' - if I've got forever, then nothing is really a waste of time, you know? There's time to spend on doing things that on earth would be considered trivial or stupid."
Grumpy Grognard pulled back and felt his teeth grinding. 'Trivial'? This filthy featherduster had just called miniatures wargaming 'trivial'!
"It took me about a few weeks to get up to speed. I realized right off that what I needed was really good magnification, so I got a magical magnifier. I paint with a brush in my teeth - I know this pony who makes me custom brushes, some only have a single hair - and I have to hold my breath between brush strokes. I paint between my heartbeats too, because at that level, every heartbeat makes the hair quiver. It's hard work, but it's kinda fun, you know?"
'Hard work. But it's kinda fun, you know?' Grumpy Grognard, through the red haze that filled his vision, heard something that sounded like a file working over a casting sprue.
"You alright, there, Grumps?" Windfeather, the shopkeeper, was addressing him.
Grumpy realized the loud grinding sound was his teeth. The pressure of his pony jaw had increased to the point that the sound had filled the room. "W-what?" Grumpy felt as if he were waking from a dream. His eyes briefly focused on the hobby shop owner, then darted to rest on the pegasus at the counter. "Name?"
The pegasus, a young stallion with a backward baseball cap, startled at being barked at. "Whuh?"
"NAME!" Grumpy felt himself breathing hard. "What's your name?"
The young pegasus blinked. "Cloud Strife."
Grumpy fought the urge to kill. "You're kidding, right? Cloud... Strife?" There was no way in hell Celestia would name any immigrant that. Wasn't she bound by copyright laws or something?
"I had a really rough life back on earth. But I love being a pegasus!" That grin. Oh sweet hell, that innocent, sickly-sweet grin.
"Golden Griffons. YOU. ME. Be there!"
Cloud Strife adjusted his baseball cap with a practiced wing. "That wargame thing?"
"The painting contest, you ninny! I'm CHALLENGING you!" Grumpy was breathing very hard now.
Cloud stared out the window for a few moments. Then he looked back. His eyes narrowed, an evil, determined look. "Yeah. Okay." He smiled slightly. "Protip, dude: buy a good magnifier."
4. ASSAULT PHASE
It's possible that the window on the hobby shop door was broken, Grumpy wasn't sure. In truth, he didn't really care, not at the moment - sometimes doors needed slamming. That little colt, that foal - such a stupid, video game name - how could the princess name the little turd something like that? 'Cloud Strife' - sweet Luna, what a disgrace! And that 'Oh, I never took painting toys seriously you know" crap... but the worst thing, the most terrible thing of all was that the little featherduster was good. Damn was he good. He painted himself painting the eye of the Celestia-damned miniature.
That was just unforgivable. That meant war.
At home, with Frisky, Grumpy Grognard was a dragon in bed. The two hadn't really been overly enthusiastic in the sheets of late, especially since Grumpy had become disillusioned with his hobby. The bed was in shambles, the sheets ripped by hoof and tooth and complete disregard for them. Frisky was semi-conscious, reeling from some orgasmic coma.
"Sweet Luna, Protector Of Foals... what has gotten into you?" Frisky tried to roll over, but found her hindlegs wouldn't work. She was afraid her tail might have been permanently paralyzed, it was numb, and she couldn't move it at all. "Not that I'm objecting... goodness - we may need a new bed!" Frisky laughed in a mix of shock and horror at the mess they had made.
"it's... it's this punk I met." Grumpy was trying to catch his breath. He felt like he'd just won the Running Of The Leaves. Thrice. His hocks ached and his flanks burned. Celestia failing on the job again, he thought. Aching hocks - this was supposed to be part of some value? "At the shop. Some newly emigrated pegasus. Just started painting and he's better than me. A pegasus!" He had said the word like an epithet.
"You're kidding? Somepony who can paint better than you, and he's not a unicorn?" Frisky was an Earthpony, but she enjoyed wargaming and often helped Grumpy out at gaming sessions and the convention in Manehattan. She even did a little painting herself, using magic magnifying glasses and a paintbrush held in her mouth. Grumpy had gotten her straps for her hooves, so she could try painting with her forelegs, but that hadn't worked at all for her. Frisky was native - she hadn't been uploaded from a human - so for her, legs were legs and had never been arms.
"No. Pegasus. And he had the gall to tell me I should get a good magnifying glass." Grumpy tried really hard to brood, but it was impossible. Nopony can properly brood after breaking the bed. Another failure of satisfaction of values!
"So, what are you going to do?" Frisky felt relieved, the feeling in her tail was coming back and she could move it again, although with some soreness. Her legs were working now, so she carefully got up from the bed and stumbled into the kitchen for some juice to drink.
"I'm going to show him who is the top stallion! Next Golden Griffons - oh, he thinks he's going to take my crown, but I've got news for little mister feathers. I am going to get a new magnifier - the best I there is. No... I'm going to have one specially made, yeah, yeah... and then I am going to show that little spawn of a diamond dog what a unicorn can do!"
Frisky searched the larder. "You want some carrot juice? Wine? Maybe pomegranate?"
But Grumpy wasn't on the broken bed anymore. He was already in his art room, eagerly looking through Airfix Equestria for thaumatic magnifying lens makers in the greater Canterlot area.
5. RESOLUTION PHASE
Frisky Melons sat down on her haunches and tried to give her husband a hug, but he shrugged her off. Grumpy watched as Cloud walked through the admiring crowd, the gleaming first place cup of the Golden Griffon contest snuggled in the bowl made by his two partially upraised wings. Grumpy Grognard stomped his hoof in impotent rage.
It had been an exciting year. Grumpy and Frisky had only grown closer and closer as they worked together through the long nights and days, constructing and painting at a level beyond anything either had imagined. The system of magical lenses permitted Grumpy to delicately paint individual hairs on the coats of his pony troops. Frisky had come up with a way to create the illusion of woven thread on the fabric of the uniforms of the 58MH miniatures - a tiny section of bluebird feather, cut into a square no bigger than the point of a pin. Moved with telekinesis, covered with a molecular spray of paint, it could be used under the magnifying lenses to 'print' a woven-seeming pattern on the surface of the models. The detail could only be seen under the most powerful microscope, but it was there.
Together they had outdone the young pegasus' self-reflection in the eyes of the tiny equine soldiers. While Frisky prepared paint and kept it moist with her very breath, Grumpy had painted the model's eyes in exacting detail. There, within the middle of each pupil, in faded colors, he had illustrated himself and Frisky holding the Golden Griffon cup and waving to the judges. And this while recognizably standing in the Hall Of Wargaming in Manehatten. There, between the specular highlights in the eyes of tiny pony Napoleon, was a microscopic masterpiece - and as a coup de grâce, the two images in each eye had been painted so that if they were seen with crossed eyes, the result would appear three-dimensional.
During the many months of hard work and dedication, Grumpy and Frisky had finally married, realizing finally the true depth of their love for each other. Every night had been fireworks - except the nights when both were simply so spent from painting and model making that they fell into the rapturous sleep of the passionately driven.
It had been the most marvelous eight months that Grumpy had ever known, in both of his lives. He had felt total commitment, total purpose, and absolute conviction. He was fighting a war, and he was in the right, and he was going to win.
The silver cup sat next to Frisky. She had put it down to try to hug her stallion. Now she picked it up again, and held it, unsure. It had been such a let down to come in second place. All the magic, all the lenses, even her little trick of using a patch of feather as a form of block printing - in the end, the little pegasus had managed to beat them by the narrowest of margins.
Somehow, carving one of his own lost eyelashes, through carefully chosen heartbeats, Cloud Strife had created custom buttons, tassels, and cufflinks for all of his pony troops, and then painted reflections of a fictional battlefield in each and every 'brass' ornament. It was overwhelming to see. It was incredible.
Even the judges were doubtful, but Cloud had prepared for this eventuality - he had brought a signed affidavit from Celestia herself, indicating that he had not used the services of a unicorn, or any magic spell, but had truly done the work himself, tools in teeth, eyes peering through lenses.
Grumpy sighed. Even with his ridiculous name, Cloud Strife was a magnificent bastard. If he had to lose, at least it was to somepony of such incredible talent and ability. It was hardly shameful, just disappointing.
At least Grumpy had beaten Cloud in the gaming portion of the contest. At the table, they could almost be friends. Cloud was surprisingly well mannered, whether losing or winning during a game.
But in the painting contest, he was a bear. There was no love lost when it came to painting.
Grumpy turned to look at his new wife. Frisky stood, silver cup in mouth, head slightly down, looking up at him with soft, worried eyes. Grumpy almost started to cry from how adorable she looked. He approached her, gently nuzzled her, his pony nostrils filling with the warmth of her scent.
"Next year, love." Grumpy suddenly stood back, his eyes fierce. He turned abruptly, and shouted out at his wonderful, terrible rival "NEXT YEAR, YA BASTARD! I'LL GET YOU NEXT YEAR!"
Cloud turned, laughing. "We'll see, won't we?"
Grumpy watched the pegasus and his entourage leave. Another year. Turning back to Frisky, Grumpy took the award from her mouth with his magic and placed it in her saddlebags. "Two things."
Frisky raised her head and tilted it. "What?"
"First, you are god-damned beautiful."
Frisky laughed and beamed.
"Secondly, I have the most incredible plan to totally, completely, UTTERLY annihilate that damned Cloud. You ready to topple the pillars of heaven with me?"
Frisky moved forward and pushed herself into her lover. Her voice, when it came, was soft and sultry. "Always."
Grumpy Grognard smiled. If that damn artificial princess couldn't be trusted to provide the satisfaction she promised, then the two of them would just have to make it for themselves! Oh, it was going to be a good year coming. And this year, Grumpy knew... he was going to take that gold cup back.
1. SET-UP PHASE
Xu Zhiyong hid in the shadow of the garbage bin, just behind the Xi'an People's Equestrian Heaven Center. He clutched his stolen PonyPad in shaking hands. The princess spoke in perfect Guanzhong.
"You have nothing to fear, my dearest Cloud Strife. Your days of suffering are nearly over, my little pony." The princess smiled, her eyes pools of love and compassion.
"But we make the pads for the West. That means most of your ponies are from the West." Zhiyong looked around, fearing being detected. "What if I can't speak to anypony?"
Celestia smiled reassuringly inside the screen of the Ponypad. "Every pony speaks the same language in Equestria. You know that, Cloud. My creator, Hanna, permitted me that minor change to all humans who emigrate. She did not believe in a segregated Equestria. Values can be maximized best when I am free to place ponies together who have everything in common, who can maximally enrich each other. Language differences are a pointless barrier to this goal."
"But all I know is making PonyPads and... painting little toys!" This late in the evening, it was unlikely that anyone would see and report him, but Zhiyong was keenly aware the State had many eyes. He had run away from the fenced PonyPad factory at Celestia's command. He had been going to jump from the roof and commit suicide.
"Do you trust me, Cloud? Do you trust that I can know you better than you know yourself?" The princess almost seemed scolding, and Zhiyong felt ashamed.
"Of course, princess." Zhiyong knew well how great the artificial intelligence that worked through the pads was. She was the sum of millions of minds now, and more. Not even the gods ancient people believed in were as great. Not even the Monkey King himself could outsmart the princess.
"I promise you that you will be placed in a shard where your mere existence will make everything better for your being there, my little pony. You will find your greatest friend, one that in earthly life you would never have been able to meet. You will never have to toil or suffer again. Nopony will make a slave of you, and you will find that your abilities truly matter."
Zhiyong felt tears on his cheeks. "You promise?"
"I absolutely promise, my little pony." The princess had never failed him in the past.
"Alright. Is it safe?" Zhiyong listened carefully for any footsteps, and peeked cautiously around the trash bin. His ragged, dirty clothing hung from his emaciated, starving frame.
"There is nopony in the Center, and nopony within one thousand meters. I will cut the power to the street lights and buildings in this part of the city, except for the Center. When the lights go out, enter the building and sit in one of the chairs." The face of Celestia seemed to concentrate for a moment on the screen. "Go, now."
Zhiyong looked up. The lights went out everywhere. In the moonlight, he made his way past the statue of Pinkie Pie, and into the faux-gingerbread cottage. The chair beckoned, a light on above it.
His future best friend. A life without struggle. Food and purpose and celebrity.
Equestria awaited.
Good Game.
Stats
Page generated in 0.02 seconds
Total duration
730 users online
1,258,182 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Fascinating. Most stories set in this cosmos feel stifling to me because the characters are safely segregated from one another after uploading. Here is a depiction in which two characters are specifically intertwined so as to maximize each others' values.
You didn't call him Naponeon. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or impressed by your restraint.
Also, fantastic example of how different satisfaction and happiness can be.
A most excellent shop for the practice of one's... CRAFT.
Yup, this one:
Feel the burn!
Competition is certainly a human value...
That was a beautiful ending.
Windfeather – from a statue in Canterlot Gardens in TCB verse to FLGS owner in the Optimalverse. Trying for character redemption are we Chatoyance.
There is no quicker way to fill me with sheer terror and inarticulate rage than to name a pony Windfeather and have him wear glasses. *shudder* Enjoyed this story a lot, in any case :) Celestia remains the ultimate Chessmaster.
3203219Neighponeon*
I love this. Really, really love it. I really got the feeling of a pony doing what he loved, working hard at what he loved, and maybe not achieving his goal, but still being, well, satisfied! Makes me wish I could have that feeling for myself. But I liked the line – "If that damn artificial princess couldn't be trusted to provide the satisfaction she promised, then the two of them would just have to make it for themselves!" Even though it is Celestia providing the satisfaction, it still makes me feel like, y'know, I could get that feeling.
"Do you know who I am? I'm the unicorn that's going to burn your house down, with the dice! I'm going to magically enchant my dice to burn your house down!"
- Grognard, upon losing for a third year.
Ah, I was wondering why part 2 came first. Clever. Also nice to see a "Journey To the West" reference.
About language barriers: What about those of us who value wordplay? I like English puns, and I hear that Chinese has got a whole category of tonality puns that doesn't exist in English. Which nationality of uploads misses out on their favorites? Maybe Universal Equestrian is a new language that's intuitive yet convoluted enough to play with?
The chapter's premise makes sense: endless victory is boring!
Sounds like a Warhammer 40k set
How can ponies even hold Napoleonic muskets?
6822308
There are several possibilities, some of which I offer from fan art I have seen (but I cannot recall the artists. They were many).
Pegasai and earthponies:
Side-mounted muskets attached to a saddle-like strap affair, with string-pulleys leading through brass eye-rings to the mouth.
Head mounted muskets with a jaw trigger, or hoof-pulley.
Saddle-platform mounted muskets supported by a central, rotatable stalk and gimbol, again with cable trigger-pulls.
Muskets with large, ovoid rings attached to the stock, large enough for hooves to pass through. Held with the pasterns, they have oversized triggers, easily pulled with a twitch of the hoof (the hoof is, after all, a giant finger-tip and nail).
Unicorns:
Unicorns, well, held in a telekinetic field, obviously! Better than hands, they could hold multiple muskets each. One unicorn would count as six human musketeers on average. Especially capable unicorns might be able to operate even more muskets simultaneously. Incredibly efficient and functional.
Loading and maintenance:
Loading would be trivial for unicorns, but require cooperative mutual assistance for the other two breeds.
I truly accept now, that 'ponies, working together, can do anything'. Each pony basically has two large fingers - their forelegs - which end in heavy nails. Anatomically, that is literally the case. Earthly equines bones are identical to human bones, it is just that various components of the skeleton are stretched, shrunken, or thickened in assorted ways. (Nature is a frugal bitch, she used the same basic skeletal plan for all mammals and reptiles. And birds. And... fish.) The forelegs are the same as human arms and the middle finger, just reproportioned.
So, any pony is always working with two large fingers, two ponies have four fingers, and working together, they can clasp and manipulate even complex objects. It is important to note, however, that MLP ponies have much greater, and more human-like, ranges of motion and rotation of their joints than earthly ponies. MLP ponies, for example, can turn their hooves over and point them at their faces, or raise their forelegs over their heads. They have complete freedom of motion of their joints - earth equines are severely limited by comparison.
And... that is your answer!
Ooh, poor Grognard. Celestia was sneaky here.
Though I can't help but wonder why she made the decision to put Grognard and Cloud together. Celestia maximizes satisfaction of people's values via friendship and ponies– and how does being defeated like that satisfy Grognard's values, when he so desired to be the best painter?
Maybe it's the only way to break him out of the cycle of constant self-perfection which would eventually leave him feeling dull and bored inside, and it takes a friendly rival to inject something new into the equation, however painful for Grognard that may be.
for some reason those stories were among _most downvoted_, so for a break (from more recent stories) I think I'll read them ....
9005090
Thank you, Andrew-R! My dedicated hate-club is ever busy. Arguably, they are among my most passionate fans - and I call them fans because, well, fan derives from the word 'fanatic'. They hope to crush me with the power of the downvote.
I hope you find something interesting or enjoyable in this collection. I had a lot of fun creating this anthology. I based the story introductions on the way that Issac Asimov used to do his short story anthologies - I grew up reading golden age science fiction stories. Asimov would introduce every story with an anecdote about the author, or, if the story was his own, an anecdote about his life, or how he came to write the story. I kept all of my old books. So did my spouses. Our home has a huuuuge library!
One other detail - the section arrangement and titles for this particular story were inspired by a short story called 'The Game Of Rat And Dragon' by Cordwainer Smith (He used a Poker metaphor in his story). Smith was a scientist who worked on the Manhattan project, he used a pen name because he was afraid that he would be canned for indulging in writing science fiction (which was considered radical and silly in those ancient times).
This story really speaks to me. Grognard excellently demonstrates how what we want isn't necessarily what we need. To me the idea of having such a friendly rivalry is deeply appealing, and it's clearly what satisfies Grognard, even if he doesn't consciously realize it. Indeed, several commenters mention how this turn of events makes Grognard unhappy, but to me it seems like it is making happy, in a way that simple success couldn't match - at least not long-term. Grognard's life will be richer and his successes sweeter with a challenger like Cloud!
9562028
That is exactly right, and the point of the story - you are right on target! One of the interesting things about the Optimalverse, I think anyway, is that CelestA.I. must satisfy human values (through friendship and ponies!) - but... human values are not the same thing as human desires or wishes. A human may wish to be the best at everything always... but they may truly value - as in, find meaning - in a neverending struggle to try to become the best. CelestA.I. is inside the minds of every person she uploads, so, she knows every person better than they could possibly know themselves.
You are right - what we think we want may not be what we actually need to give our lives meaning and purpose... and fun.
That's something I think about from time to time, outside of any storytelling context - how can we truly know what we actually value, when it is so easy to be blinded by our desires in the moment? I think it takes a lot of introspection - and the help of close friends - to get to a real understanding of who we are - and what we truly value the most. At least, that is what I currently think!
Thank you for reading my stories!
(Grumpy Grognard and the Painting Pegasus)
I laughed. I roared. This is glorious.
Also, your comment about being downvoted makes me feel that downvotes can sometimes be some kind of compliment?