Babs came in to town to spend some time away from her troubles at home. What she didn't know, was that there were even more troubles at Ponyville. When Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon corrupt her to the side of the bullies, she steals the float of Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. What she didn't know was that they had rigged it to drive straight in to the lake. But after Applejack tells them about what was happening back in Manehatten, they decide they can't go through with it, and try to save Babs from the wreck. But, they can't run that fast. Will they be able to save her?
Chapters (1)
Sorry, but I cannot find a single redeeming factor in this story at all to spare it from a thumbs down. These are some wildly OOC events you've depicted to put it bluntly. Applejack covering up manslaughter (or should that be mareslaughter) of a relative? Lying to the authorities? Some Element of Honesty.
IMO the radio scene just... That did not seem like a news report on the radio at all. If I had been drawn into this fic (and I wasn't) that would have thrown me way out of it. It sounded more like a radio drama being read out than a news report.
And why a private investigator? Why not a police officer, sheriff, watchpony, royal guard scene of crime officer? If there is a Private Investigator there are logically Civil Investigators, who by all rights should in fact be in charge. If there is no civil investigative body (and why not?) then private is redundant.
Also, no one tried to go in the water? No one else was around to even try and save Babs? Rarity isn't around after these events involving her sister, or even their parents? This story just didn't really seem very coherent at all in those sorts of aspects.
Your characterisation, coherency, and the concept as a whole need work in my opinion.
I did enjoy this. It was a nice, dark twist.
The thing I enjoyed most was the dialogue aj gave them fillies. Straight up thug
3208826 Duly noted.
Well, that just happened
3208826
I see that you're one of the "Scootaloo is an orphan" theorists.
Also, this is supposed to be a dark story. That's why Applejack is covering up Babs' murder. Also, you don't have to always tell the truth to be honest. Nobody's perfect. None of the other Elements bearers are 100 percent. Besides, Applejack doesn't want her little sister to go to jail. It was an accident, the CMC didn't want to kill her, they wanted to embarrass her. It was all an accident, so I can understand Applejack covering it up.
3249923
Actually, quite the opposite, I prefer to think Scootaloo does have parents - And though admittedly I did mean "Rarity and Sweetie Belle" in the post, the "their parents" thing doesn't automatically disqualify Scootaloo from "them", does it? The question about where her parents are in all this, or even her caretakers if the orphan theory is followed, should rightfully be asked as well. In fact, most significantly of all, the same should be asked of Babs really.
Hey, since it's a fanfic, you can even include the Apple family parents in "them" until confirmed they're dead in this setting too. Or even regard Granny Smith as a parent - why's she not involved? Or Big Mac? It just raises further questions.
Trying to be dark isn't an excuse for all the questions that surround these events. Sure, maybe it makes some sense that AJ would want to spare her sister, but the facts remain she's taking all this far too well and jumping far too fast to 'coverup and threaten the other two witnesses', and that still doesn't cover the fact this whole approach has massive logical flaws. The lack of input from others at this stage exposes how large a problem there is - because either they've already spoke to other people or soon will, and what says those people won't push, prod, and pry the truth free? Babs must have had parents or caretakers who'll ask questions. Sweetie has parents and a sister. Scootaloo may have parents or caretakers too . The authorities should ask questions. Others would ask and pry. Someone died in suspicious circumstances. You don't just shrug and walk away.
All that this does is get AJ in jail as well for obstruction of justice and criminal conspiracy. Possibly even various charges of threatening violence. She's not just being dishonest, she's being a criminal, and it's a crime against her own family as well as all Equestria. And unlike the CMC, she wouldn't get any sort of leniency for age. In character, I think Applejack would be torn to shreds by this - which would make a far more interesting fic, really, but instead she's jumping to crime even though it makes no sense to do that, and is in fact arguably worse than the honest approach.
There's a difference between the character not being perfect and going wildly off course. This is wildly off course, way off her established character - and I'm sorry, but dark fic or not, there's not much of an excuse for this, it's not carte blanche to have events make no logical sense even within the context of a dark fic or AU. It also makes no sense under scrutiny and these events in universe would not last under scrutiny. All this does is make events worse when the truth comes out for no good reason. True, fear makes you do stupid things - but given that this jumper has so many loose threads to unravel, it's just plain crazy.
In short, "dark fic" doesn't excuse these faults, nor does "don't have to be honest all the time". All they do is underline why it makes no sense, or raise further questions.