- Member Since 24th Jun, 2013
- offline last seen Monday
Mercury Zero
Finding the storm clouds in every silver lining. Discord: https://discord.gg/JzTPmGSUGy
Mercury Zero
Joined 24th Jun, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Mercury Zero · 5.7k words · 128 16 · 4.7k views
- WovenWord · 6.9k words · 143 4 · 2.6k views
- Omniscientearl · 12k words · 77 5 · 2k views
- Mercury Zero · 3.7k words · 216 19 · 5.1k views
- PlacidPinkie · 4.6k words · 163 5 · 4.1k views
- Sir_Fredrick · 6.2k words · 158 14 · 5k views
- bats · 2.8k words · 397 13 · 5.3k views
Featured In8
Twilight is Best Pony6,369 stories ·3,072 members
TwiJack283 stories ·1,043 members
High-Quality Mature Fiction597 stories ·3,080 members
Alicorn Applejack and Other Amazin' Apple Stories2,260 stories ·653 members
Free Twilight Sparkle!5,201 stories ·1,223 members
Stories on Goodreads28,595 stories ·492 members
First Sexual Experience1,004 stories ·1,172 members
twisub563 stories ·193 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.151 seconds
Total duration
1,023 users online
1,557,353 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Simply... AMAZING!!!!
For the life of me though, I cannot understand WHY people would downvote this. It was VERY well written.
3191519
I wish they would drop a comment, so I would know what to fix next time.
I fear, however, people may just be tired of seeing clop, and they're downvoting it without reading it.
3191534 Sadly, that is the case, most likely.
Or, maybe they downvoted, because they got such a painful boner reading it, it HURTS to touch it, much less clop!
sorry if this is cliche or overdone, but i'd like to see rarity and spike
3191593
Which one is the virgin?
3191599 spike of course
3191658
I'm not seeing any when I look through it again? Unless you're referring to the sentence fragments the characters use in their dialogue? Applejack, in particular, is pretty bad with her grammar.
This was very, very good. So sweet. I want more, I'm worried about Twilight, she and AJ are going to have to have a talk about how she feels...
I personally think you might have overdone AJ's accent a little, and there were a few spots where the language Twilight used was a little awkward..."loins" and "atop" and "It was as though I was awash in a bath of pure joy" made me feel like maybe Twilight had been raiding the romance section of the library recently.
As for the "sentence fragments" I didn't see too many, but it was a lot of short sentences. I don't mind that too much, but in a sex scene longer sentences can make things seem like they're flowing more smoothly. On the other hand, most authors have the opposite problem and their sex scenes are one long run-on sentence.
All in all, great job. I really did love it, and if you told me you were going to continue it, I would follow you just to make sure I didn't miss it. I'd say that's a sign of a good story.
3191897
Ah, I see. You know that's not what 'sentence fragment' means though, right? Sentence fragments don't have an independent clause, like:
Under the car. Because of the cats and stuff.
I definitely appreciate your tip, though. What you're describing are compound sentences, and I'll try to use more of those.
3191925
Wow thanks! That was really valuable advice, and I'm very glad you liked it!
I suppose I could continue the story, but my intention was to just make simple clop, and, being the guy that I am, it didn't really turn out so simple. I had to actually inject some humanity into the characters. I couldn't just let them be sex robots with no thoughts or emotions, because that's not interesting to me.
When I think about it, there probably is enough here for a romance arc. It's a conflict that could have ups and downs, and could potentially come to a climax and a resolution... So I guess I'll think about making it into something longer ^_^
But my current plan is to just do more straightforward clop where all kinds of characters get deflowered :p
If you want to see what happens when I do take a romantic conflict, and extend it into an entire story (and then butcher it and make a bunch of mistakes) check out The Horse Collar
3191991
Thanks for the help :)
this was lovely, really well done
i'd love to see zecora losing her virginity to rarity or maybe vice versa
I keep making comments about not being into clopfics while upvoting clopfics. That's what I get for being such a sucker for a well-written romance, I suppose. I ought to just make my self-insert a changeling, considering how much I eat up emotion and pathos.
After reading all of this, the one thing that sticks out in my mind the most is this: Applejack wears lip gloss?
3193307
musingsofamuse.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Bath-Body-Works-Liplicious-Forbidden-Apple-Lipgloss-001.jpg
3193062
You can find emotion anywhere. You don't have to resort to throwing changelings or humans into your stories to make someone feel isolated, self-loathing, or tragic.
Pathos and non-clop I can give you, too. Check out Just Like Me. It's not a romance, but there is a father's love for his daughter. And then the sads happen.
As for self-inserts, I don't like to do those at all. I'm boring. Nobody wants to read about boring people doing boring things. Nobody wants to read about some know-it-all who has difficulty making friends and spends half his time doing nerdy, isolated, quiet stuff, and constantly worries about things, and barely has any friends except for a small tight-knit group, and ... wait... is Twilight my self-insert?
Sweet. My author surrogate totally scored with Applejack!
This is hot, and unexpectedly bittersweet. There are some mechanical issues (e.g., incorrectly punctuated dialogue), but they're relatively minor. Overall, nicely done.
3191897
With all due respect, that's completely unnecessary. Twilight is a mess of nerves, excitement, and arousal. It's perfectly natural for her to be narrating in short, choppy sentences.
3193953
I felt that the short sentences added something too, especially right at the beginning, but I think I'm going to accept the criticism that, when the sex started, it would have flowed better to use more compound sentences.
As for the mechanical issues, can you PM me some examples? That would really help me a lot, because I'm currently under the impression that I'm using everything correctly (unless it was a typographic accident), so if I'm doing something wrong on a systematic level I'd like to find out what it is, and fix it up.
3193629
It was more a jab at my personal interests (I meant "self-insert" in the sense of "an OC that represents me personally") rather than my writing. I don't do self-insert stories either, for reasons similar to yours. Plus, when I have something particular to say, I can generally find a character to voice the opinion for me.
That and I'm primarily a comedy writer (not that I have anything complete enough to post - eventually one of my dozen or so projects will be ready), though thinking about your comment did inspire a new idea for a story about changelings that's looking to be more serious than my usual.
And I do plan on checking out your other stories.
3194701
Sweet beans! I'm glad. Every time I write some clop I keep thinking 'I hope someone sees that there's a deeper meaning or some bittersweet message or something thoughtful about this rather than just whacking it and moving on.' And I was glad to see your comment, among the others
I'm a masochist like that, I could just, you know, not write clop.. but what can I say? I'm a pervert.. and also sex is an important concept in life, rich with emotion and conflict, and I want to explore it, damn it.
Fluttershy
Why is Twilight crying?
Is she upset that she might be feeling more for Applejack than she thinks she's supposed to?
3198601
Maybe! Maybe she's just overwhelmed by the experience? Maybe she's always loved Applejack and doesn't know why she agreed to casual sex, instead of admitting how she felt? Maybe she feels guilty about the entire idea of casual sex? Maybe she thought of something really sad involving homeless puppies. It's up to the reader :p
Thanks for writing this up! This fandom needs more TwiJack clopfics!
3199635
Thank my readers. Twilight and Applejack tied for votes :p
Holy carp, Mercury. This was fantastic. There is only one part I got lost on. The beginning. When they first kissed (not behind the barn I mean.) What position were they in? Were they standing? They eventually laid down onto the hay but I think I miss read. Hit me back on that. Btw I should bewriting a clopfic soon, and I wanted to tell you that this helped me develop my story. It was great.
As brilliantly executed as the last story in this series. Your characterization is spot on, the story was easy to follow, and very well paced for the length. I clopped some clop and felt some feels, all in all a great piece and I am looking forward to your future efforts. My vote for the next in the series is Fluttershy because it's very hard for authors to make her interesting, to me at least, and I have a feeling you may be the person to change that.
3212702 3197182
The readers have spoken. The next one will be Fluttershy.
I already have an idea in my head. Hopefully it's not too depressing.
3212702
As for Fluttershy being uninteresting, I share your opinion there. She's a one trick pony. (LULZ
) She only ever sings one note and that note is 'Introverted, with occasional bursts of assertiveness.'
However, I think there is some depth to that character, because the fun bit is that she's actually not very shy. She has a distinct lack of anxiety. She actually seems to be 'self-conscious' instead. She desperately avoids situations where she might make a mistake, and cause conflict and hurt feelings as a result, so she'll shrink away from others, but she actually craves contact with other ponies and frequently seeks it out.
Luna is the actual shy pony on the show. You see this sort of behavior in real life. If people are shy enough, they'll adopt an off-putting personality, and shout at people and ignore people's feelings because they're so nervous that they just want others to go away and leave them alone, yet they still lament how they can't make a connection, and crave the opportunity to be truly loved. When they do finally get some chance to connect with somebody, their lack of experience in social situations will hamper their efforts, and they'll cause unintentional offense, and may end up lashing out as a result with frustration at how little they understand others. That Luna Eclipsed episode made Luna pop out to me so much as a character.
A nice story even if there were some inconsistencies in the tense. What I really want now, however, is a sequel. Twilight's fears and pain come through very well and I want to see them resolved.
3215240
Can't you people let me write clop without telling me how well I portrayed the characters and how you wish there was more? Gawd!
Honestly though I'm feeling really honored that I've now gotten multiple requests for a sequel. I don't know, though. Don't you think that it benefits from just being the way it is? This series of stories are about lost virginity. They're about a singular moment in time that changes you forever. I don't know if it's the sort of thing that can really be 'resolved'.
Also, you should be careful what you wish for. If I'm ever making something with multiple chapters, then there's going to be more than one simple conflict. Things would get worse before they got better, and some of my stories do not have happy endings.
3215806
I'll withdraw my comment and write my own little story about it then. (can't stand unhappy endings, like this one.)
3215829
Do you want to continue where mine left off? That would be really cool :)
3215840
I'm afraid not. A sequel would have to come from you. Mine's going to be a private little thing. Sorry.
3215867
Aw, okay.
I'll think about it.
Wow! This fic his fantastic! My english is terrible, so I can't explain how much I liked this story... I hope I'll read something written by you soon! Greetings from Italy ;)
This is quite the interesting tale, yet with another sad theme that plays well with innocent lost or toyed around with. I wondered if there is any difference if Applejack were to be a male and have Twilight Sparkle as a mean to 'hook up as friends' without much owing obligation, despite having the personalty to make AJ's partner being appreciated as well. It is clearly evident that AJ knew that Twilight wanted something more meaningful than 'friends with benefits' relationship, and still used her in a state of emotional confusion and lack of social experience, which may as well cause some sort of turmoil for the poor gal when AJ doesn't return her affections as a lover.
Very well done, I have to say, for I didn't think I would the short story this much. This ties in greatly for the general theme of 'innocence lost', which I assume that's the case when one looked at Twilight and Fluttershy, and plays well for a mature fanfic that is something that one don't see much in terms of a clop story.
Very well-structured story, which I imagine you had put a great deal of effort to push the 'extra mile' to make it stand out when compared to other people works in the field. Keep up the great work man.
3217988
Waaaaaaaah, the sadness is at critical levels.
I must overprotect Twiley now, and love her, and scratch behind her ears, and organize her library, and cook her oatmeal every morning, and pack her saddlebags. And give her plenty of hugs, and make sure Spike doesn't do anything stupid, and regulate her sugar intake, and, and, look sideways at Celestia because that Princess has no character depth.
And do some horrible things to Chrysalis, just like anypony else who toys with her emotions. Awfully horribly things. Horribly awful things. One does not simply cross the listing of characteristics of social unawareness that makes Twilight Sparkle so adorably cute, innocent, naive. Not, one, little, bit. Applejack, your staff is broken.
And I might suggest she ship with Luna... But really I just (almost just, shipping can has works) want Twilight to be the happiest unicorn ever, with all her lucky friends.
I knew this would be TwiJack, but the sadness.
3328716
In my crazy head-canon, Celestia is very deep. She's so perfect, and that's what makes her so flawed.
She's a font of wisdom, which makes her a perfect author surrogate for when I want to wax philosophical (Check out chapter 2 of The Scarlet Ribbon for an example of when I do exactly that.)
But more than that, always being a font of wisdom, more so an immortal one, is bound to take its toll. I think one of Celestia's key flaws is her passivity. She's so willing to let ponies learn from her own mistakes, does she do that for her entire kingdom? What atrocities has she ignored? What evils has she forgiven? Has she ever put her hoof on the side of what's wrong and terrible, just to balance the scales? To look at things in the long term? I'd love to do an exploration of the concept of 'Is doing nothing good, or evil? Is there ever a duty to act?' with Celestia as a central figure. Perhaps I will.
Perfection is a terrible thing. It can corrupt your soul.
Re-read after seeing there was a new part (which seems to mainly be a grammar edit, though I might have overlooked something). Still interesting to see Applejack written in a way that I'd normally write Rarity, and still hurts the soul a bit to see what Twilight's doing to herself.
All that talk of sequels potentially written by others almost makes we want to try my hand, but it would mean procrastinating on my own things even longer (I'm fairly certain I intended to have a completed story posted somewhere in the realm of two months ago). Plus I don't think I could without a much better understanding of why Applejack is handling this the way she does - the story gives the impression that she's very carefully avoiding any long-term commitment, and any sequel, no matter who wrote it, would have to both clarify and explain that.
Now I want to see how you do AJ's, just to find out if there's an explanation for that.
3508924
Yeah I just took care of a few of the big complaints. I just reworded a few things, and made Applejack's accent more subtle.
I wanted to tidy it up in preparation for when I finally get around to releasing the Rarity one, because it will drive people to go back and check this one out, so I want it to look good.
Beautiful
Aaaaannnd that was amazing. Why is this so under rated,that was one of the best shorts I've read on here! I rarely get to see someone give the warmth and emotion in their fics like this, not to mention the descriptions... Actually feels like their ponies, and not like you've replaced 'hand' with 'hoof' in a bland surgical fashion others do.
This is going in my top tier pile.
4391404
I'm very glad you liked it :)
Poor Twilight...
3198626
Fair enough.
Thanks for replying, and thank you for sharing this story with us.
The poor bookhorse wants monogamy. Please satiate the bookhorse.