The Everfree trembled.
It had lain dormant for almost two decades, the once-vibrant wood twisted by otherworldly and malevolent forces. Everypony's once-upon-a-time home had grown wild, now an exclusive habitat to a myriad of abominable hybrids. A natural magic suppressant lay heavy in the air, the bane of any unicorn who dared to cross its threshold into the deadly thickets.
One particular section of the wood housed a massive boulder. How or why it was placed there, nopony ever knew. Yet in a cavern beneath this anomaly of the wood, a pool of liquid stirred. With a loud splash, a large white figure was ejected from its infinite depths. Coming to rest against one of the cavern walls, the figure awoke. Sluggish, the pony took a moment to arise as it gathered its wits about it.
"Urghhh. What's happening?" Celestia rubbed her throbbing head with an equally sore hoof.
She opened her eyes and awoke in a place that was all too familiar: a cavern, dimly lit by the magic of her own horn, ethereal light passing over the gleaming walls. It took a moment longer to acknowledge that she was soaking wet. Wiping some excess water from her face, Celestia looked around for the reason.
Her heart skipped a beat.
No. No, this cannot be. What happened to me? What happened to—
"Luna! Luna, where are you?" Celestia's enhanced voice sent tremors through the cavern walls as the sides of the mirror pool lapped over the edge. "Sister?"
Her eyes wide and her breathing shallow, Celestia ran around the cave, peering through cracks in the walls, searching every alcove. Her breathing grew more shallow and frantic. Sweat mixed with the water still dripping from her coat. Her pink mane hung flat down one side of her face, dragging on the ground.
Celestia cared not for such things.
"Where are you, Luna?"
There was only one more place to look. As Celestia stared, her heart stopped for the second time. Luna was right there, in her reflection—no, she was her reflection!—desperately banging on the other side of the water's surface. Fear was etched on Luna's face as her horn lit ineffectively. Her hooves clashed against an unseen barrier, as if a thick sheet of ice prevented her from breaching the water's surface. Every beat of her hooves produced a small ripple on Celestia's end, yet Luna's own hooves were denied passage.
Celestia!
Celestia!
Help me, sister!
Celestia lit her own horn and fired a beam of solar energy into the pond. She ducked as the beam reflected off the surface, bouncing off the walls before exploding in a blinding ball. While she stared back into her desperate sister's eyes, a memory from her past life came to mind. Wasting no more time, Celestia dived into the pool... and emerged exactly where she had leapt from, headfirst.
Luna coughed and spluttered next to Celestia. Her eyes were bloodshot. Her mane and coat were even more bedraggled than her sister's; half of each were missing and seemed paler than before. But she was alive.
My sister lives. Celestia ceased caring about anything else, gripping Luna in what would normally be a bone-crushing hug.
"I'm so glad you're all right, Luna! I was so afraid..."
"Fear not, Celestia. I knew you would save me."
After a few moments where their feelings could truly flow through each other, the alicorns broke apart. They stared at each other for a while. Before long, Luna spoke again. "Celestia... you were willing to break that mirror to free me. Do you realise the implications of what that means? It's not that I'm not grateful for you saving my life, but considering what else you've set free before, that could have been excessively dangerous!"
Celestia simply sighed in response. "I would rather face all of the potential evils in this world at your side than wander the world in perfect peace without you, Luna. Call me selfish, but I love you too much. I would never leave you behind."
As the sisters began to calm themselves, other thoughts invaded Celestia's mind. Why are we here? What happened? And why am I in so much pain?
“My ankles… and my chest… they burn. Why do they burn?”
“Mine too, Celestia. Not my chest, though, it’s my head… What happened to us? I’m having trouble… urgh… remembering anything.” Luna held her head in her hooves, her damp cobalt mane swinging in front of her face.
You will come to know all shortly, my dears.
The “voice” elicited a jump from both sisters, who moved to embrace each other. "Who are you?" Celestia cried. "What do you mean, 'you will come to know'?"
"Reveal yourself, disembodied one!" Luna added. "Face us when you address us!"
I fear I cannot do that, my daughters.
Luna and Celestia blinked. "Daughters?" they gasped simultaneously.
Celestia recovered first. "So are you our mother, for you to lay that title on us?"
Not so much your mother, although you do technically owe your existence to me.
A divine memory implanted itself in Celestia's mind, just as she witnessed a glazed expression cover her sister's face. She figured she'd look no different in Luna's eyes. An image swam before her: a regal-looking alicorn, taller than her, with a pure white coat and a short red mane and tail. Her striking blue eyes bore into Celestia's mind relentlessly. Recognition bored into the sisters’ memories.
Lady Dimiourgia…
“You are the one… no, how can we even recognise you, or call you Mother? We have never seen you before!” Luna made to stand, then faltered. “Unless we somehow… forgot about you?”
I cannot linger here for much longer. I belong in my own realm. Dimiourgia’s “voice” sounded inside the sisters’ heads. I have only time to let you know a brief history of the past that you have slumbered through. If you would have your memories restored, follow my guiding light. Hurry! Time expires as we speak.
The voice and the image faded, to be replaced by a rainbow-hued sphere of shining light. The cavern filled with its intensity, compelling Celestia and Luna to shield their eyes with a leg each. After a few seconds, Celestia lowered her leg to see the sphere ascending the cavern pathway, its glow rapidly diminishing.
“Wait!” She dropped her leg and stood up, galloping up the pathway.
“Celestia, slow down!” Luna’s voice carried through the cavern. Celestia turned and halted briefly.
“Come on, Luna! We have to move or we’ll miss this opportunity! Do you want to remember what happened?”
“I do, just let me catch up. We should go together.” Luna joined Celestia’s side, her wings folding up as she landed next to the larger mare.
Celestia nodded. “Onward!” She resumed her gallop up the path, now with Luna in tow.
* * * * *
The forest was pitch black. Gnarled, blackened tree roots threatened to trip them up and twisted vines attempted to strangle them as the sisters pursued the glimmering sphere through the dark wood. Celestia and Luna ran unceasingly, ignoring the various pinpricks of light that watched their flight along the light’s path. A stray star spider descended from above and almost landed on Luna’s mane, inviting a shot of blue light to its face that send it spiraling through the air.
The rainbow sphere took a sharp descent ahead, briefly falling from sight. Celestia galloped further, igniting her own light and revealing the winding path ahead of them. She reached the edge of a ravine and slid to a stop, spreading her wings to avoid falling into the deep darkness. Below, she could see the light descending further.
“Hurry, Luna!” She pawed the ground and turned her head between her sister and the light rapidly, watching one draw near and the other escape.
“Here I am!” Luna joined her sister’s side, staring down into the abyss. Together they spread their wings and dived. They watched as the light took a sharp turn and vanished into the underside of the opposite cliff.
“There must be a cave. Quickly!”
Sinking further into the dark depths, they beat their mighty wings and shot toward the residual glow, their own horns alight. The cavern entrance arched high above them as they landed and began to walk forward. A shimmering blue glow emanated from within the lengthy hall. Large purple crystals adorned the ceiling. Tender pink blossoms lined the walls, protruding from green vines every so often.
The light grew brighter as they fled down the passageway. While they ran, a sense of power filled Celestia. It stirred within her, opening her magic pool eagerly. She saw the light bend around an upcoming corner and planted her hooves, Luna catching up a second later. They looked at each other and shared a silent nod.
When they rounded the corner, they also shared a gasp.
Radiating before them, an enormous tree filled their vision. It stood high as the immense cavern it occupied, gleaming its brilliance around the area. Its roots stretched the length of the ground, pushing up the rocks they lay embedded in. Five crystals of different hue shone from its larger branches, one on each. Two engravings were etched onto the tree below its star-shaped centre, just above the roots. One depicted an eight-pronged sun, while the other showed a crescent moon accompanied by a single star.
Come, my daughters. Step up to the Tree of Harmony and into the light, where all shall be revealed.
With a side look at Luna, Celestia took a step forward and touched her horn to the light. She felt its inviting warmth fill her being, felt—though did not see—its own aura surrounding her.
Celestia’s eyes flew wide. They lit with the same glow they had once before, when she had fought a terrible foe. In that burst of light and power, the past engraved itself into her head, a relentless stream of memories that were not hers:
The wood running wild, unchecked, corrupted.
A family fleeing the wood to escape from the vile creatures invading it, their bounds released.
A colossal argument.
The tribes divided.
Families growing and prospering.
A harsh, unrelenting winter.
Three ponies of different races, united in friendship.
The winter ending.
The last of the land's memories flowed into her, the light leaving her body. Celestia panted heavily, sweat forming once again despite the chilled night air. She turned to Luna.
“Sister, you need to see what I have seen.” It was not a suggestion but a statement of fact.
Luna nodded and slowly approached the light. Her own eyes filled with white and she flew into the air, the same memories forcing their way into her head, becoming her past.
When the mental flurry had passed, Luna fell to her knees. "Twenty years... we've been missing from the world for twenty years, Celestia. I don't even..."
Unable to contain her emotions, Luna wept. She sat on her haunches and wept, just like a little filly. Celestia delicately stepped forward and draped a white wing over her shoulder.
So now you know the truth, my dears. Dimiourgia's voice quietened, barely audible over the sound of Luna's shallow gasps. Twenty years ago, you fought a terrible foe together. The experience obliterated your bodies, though you were too valuable to go to waste completely. So I preserved your consciousnesses in the mirror pool and waited for peace to reign again. In that time, your family almost destroyed themselves in civil war. Yet hope was recently rekindled when the actions of three brave ponies activated… these.
The rainbow light dissipated for a split second, throwing the cavern into total darkness. All that could be heard was Luna’s gentle sobbing.
A low hum reverberated around the room as the five gems each absorbed a piece of the sphere and began to shine with their own lights. Together, the five descended from the Tree’s branches. The red, orange and violet gems glowed a brilliant white and attached themselves to Celestia’s right and left front legs, then her chest, respectively. When the glow faded, Celestia stared at her new jewellery. The dull burning in her ankles and heart had faded, replaced by two golden anklets and an amulet. Each was inset with their stone.
The blue and pink gems mimicked their brethren, also glowing white and fixing themselves to Luna’s left and right forelegs. Two anklets adorned her, physically identical to Celestia’s in every way but for the colours of their gems.
Together, the four anklets and pendant fired a converging beam of light into the centre of the Tree’s trunk. The sisters gaped in awe as a final, star-shaped magenta gem emerged from the gap that had opened up. It, too, glowed a brilliant white and affixed itself above Luna’s horn. When the light had faded, a golden tiara sat upon her head, the star sitting proudly on top.
“What… are these?” Luna breathed, staring at Celestia’s chest.
“I… am not sure, Luna.” Celestia looked her sister up and down, touching the pendant at her own chest.
These Elements contain the spirit and the essence of all that is good in this world, Dimiourgia informed them. They will grant you their power, allowing you both to keep balance in the world, so such catastrophes like the extended winter and the Everfree’s downfall will never repeat.
The “voice” faded away as a figure materialised into form before them.
Lady Dimiourgia smiled and bowed her horned head toward the sisters. It is time for me to depart this plane once more. I wish you both well in your endeavours. Now, go forth and fulfill your destinies. I know you will do us all proud… my champions of Harmony. I love you, my daughters. With a final smile and a knowing wink, Dimiourgia vanished.
The sisters shared an embrace in the dim light of the crystalline tree. Time seemed to stand still and frozen while they sat with their wings around each other. At last they broke apart, Celestia rising to her hooves.
“Sister, let us locate our family.”
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group:Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Keeper of the Crystal Heart- Harmony's Chosen Two
Grammar Score: 9
Pros: - Dimiourgia's monologue at the start was great, delivering both information and setting a grim tone.
- The way Luna and Celestia are revived, especially with Celestia being forced to brave the mirror pool again, is very interesting and in the latter case, quite poignant.
- While the Element distribution doesn't match up with my own headcanon, it definitely works, especially in the context of this story.
Cons: -Ye Olde Selective Tongue? Why is it that Luna is speaking it and not Celestia? They should be speaking the same dialect. Additionally, she only uses it for one segment of dialogue.
- Pfft.
- Nada.
Notes: You don't make it easy to criticize.
Apart from my stated pros, I also enjoyed the dialogue between the sisters and the real sense of connection I feel from them.
And that's the second chapter!
This is Type Cast, few complaints here, so it's forward ho!
Finally, I have come back to begin reading this! And so far, it's pretty good. I enjoy all of the alternate names you've given some of the characters, and the narration does serve well to anyone who hasn't read the previous story (like myself). Your grammar is pretty much spot on, and you are very fluid with your story telling and details.
Honestly, I'm having a hard time understanding how it took so long for this to get noticed.
Oooh me likey!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group:Authors Helping Authors
By the way, I'll do a review for each chapter.
Name of Story: Keeper of the Crystal Heart- Harmony's Chosen Two
Grammar Score: 10
Pros: - The central hook is quite interesting, and through the whole chapter we manage to fell Luna's and Celestia's confusion and panic in a very visceral sense.
-You characterized Celestia and Luna well, they felt fairly authentic.
-Your descriptions of the places we visit are very well done.
Cons: -Everything! Is! So! Intense! All the time! I understand what you were trying to do but...maybe it could be toned down a bit? :-/
-I still have no idea how, exactly, Celestia rescued Luna from the Mirror Pool, why the Pool reflected her magic beam, and what role the pool plays in the story.
-Not a criticism per se, but, introducing so many new words for things we don't really know about...well, XKCD said it best.
-In that same vein, Fausticorn. While by itself it's not a characteristic of low quality, using her/it is still...risky, and if I were a random reader I'd be predisposed to stop reading the fic at the first sign it was not engaging, instead of giving the benefit of the doubt.
As promised, I'm here to review your story. I won't follow the "proper" format that is suggested (because I'm a rebel like that). No, instead, I will review this story how I generally review stories. So let's begin!
First off, your grammar falls short of perfections because of a few errors I was able to find throughout. Some are a little blatant, such as repeated words, while others are a little less so, such as misspelled words and word choice. However, I won't point out every grammar error I saw here. This is not the place for that. If you want, feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to highlight the errors I was able to find as I read. Your biggest problem, as I saw it, was not grammar, but stylistic errors. This includes proper word formatting (italics, bolding, etc.) and organizational issues with paragraphs and dialogue/dialogue tags as well as "thought" placement. One small note, nothing too big, but there were parts of the dialogue that could have been written/worded better. Again, if you want me to elaborate on any of these points, please message me and I'll respond as soon as I can.
Of course, highlighting all those issues should not imply your story is without its strong points. Your description, in my opinion, is perfect. You don't overly describe any in particular, as many writers fall into the mistake of making. Most people lose themselves in the description of the setting when it has no real implication on the plot (and even in the "mood" argument, mood can be set in different ways and should not rely completely on the imagery of the surroundings). However, you have the perfect amount of description where I can have an image of the setting while still moving along with the plot. Along that line, you are also rather good at "showing" rather than "telling" (for the most part). Your characterization is pretty good as well. It's believable that (considering that this takes place in the past, I'm guessing) Celestia serves as the more mature, loving, level-headed sister while Luna was more passionate (that is, emotional), I believe that the plot seems interesting enough, for what it's worth. All the mysterious circumstances does serve to intrigue, even if it does cause a little confusion. However, that is a little clever, seeing as how it links the reader's emotions and thoughts with those of the characters.
As far as the first chapter goes, I would say that it serves its purpose well. Good job. You have earned yourself a favorite and "like" from me.
A bit repetitive with the "wept" there. I'd recommend replacing the second "wept" with "cried", maybe.
Hmm, interesting start. However, I do hope that the reason why Luna and Celestia were in the mirror is going to be touched on more than "You were gone from this world for twenty years." Any and all other complaints with the start of this story are covered by the reviews.
Well, suddenly the 'obliterated bodies' references in the previous story makes more sense. Wish I'd known about it then, though.
Wow, your Equestria is a lot younger than my own. I'm rather surprised that Celestia and Luna were only gone twenty years; I expected more like 200. I guess the ponies' natural tendency towards harmony accelerated the path to peace. It's interesting, I assume you're placing the events of the Crystal Empire as being before Discord's return (if the cover art for Pendant is anything to go by). I never really paused to wonder which happened first, I just assumed Discord came first, but given the ambiguity of the show's timeline it could probably go either way.
This explains a lot. I already love this story and am eager to read the rest-even though I must continue my own writing at some point. Although I have to ask-where were the Neverbloom flowers? It's been a while since a read the first story and while I recall them I forgot what they looked like.