Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship: Chapter 79: Dan Vs. Pie
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 10 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Interspecies Relationship
Chapter 79: Dan Vs. Pie
-ooooooo-
“ERAGH!” Dan pulled back his fist and then sent it sailing with all his might. He smashed his knuckles into his target creating a moist ‘Thomp!’ sound as white and brown goo exploded out from the impact.
“…Dan, was that the sound of my super-special boyfriend getting frustrated and punching the apples he just worked so hard on?” Pinkie’s voice asked from the headset in Dan’s ear.
“…May-be…” Dan replied through grinding, gritted teeth.
“But you were doing so well!”
“I know!” Dan replied in a frustrated tone, “But this is a lot harder when I have to give you the specifics on every little thing I’m doing! You made me measure out the width of each apple slice for crying out loud!”
“Hey Dan,” Chris said as he walked into the kitchen, “Not-you is still asking about that first pie.”
“WE’RE WORKING ON IT!” Dan roared.
“Well,” Pinkie said, “I just want this pie to be Pinkie Pie perfect! I know you want to wipe that smug grin of the organ bag’s face as much as I do…”
“That’s another thing,” Dan said as he glanced into the bowl of cut, brown sugar covered apples and began picking out the mashed slices, “as charming as your grisly detailed play-by-play of what you’d do to the guy if you were alone in a dark room with him is, your graphic and gory description is a tad on the distracting side.”
Chris cocked an eye as he listened in on half the conversation.
“But I thought I was being romantic!” Pinkie protested.
“Under normal circumstances sure…” Dan said as he held a palm up, “it could be considered pillow talk…” Dan narrowed his eyes slightly, “creepy, mentally scarring, pillow talk. But when you’re working with food, having your girlfriend alphabetically list out various organs and how she would remove them from her potential still living victim is a bit much.”
Chris’s eyes shot open wide.
“But I was only up to ‘colon’!” Pinkie wined.
“Yes, and having you detail how you would remove and dissect said colon is not the sort of thing that’s conducive to great pie making.”
Chris puffed out his cheeks and held a palm over is mouth, “I think I’m going to be sick…” he uttered.
“Aaaand you just made Chris sick,” Dan said, “way to go.”
“Yeah… lot of me doing that to ponies and people today…” Pinkie said in an apologetic tone. “I’m sorry Dan, it’s just… well… how would you feel if someone tried to drive me crazy and got me thrown in jail for six weeks?”
Dan paused as his left eye began to twitch. His face began to turn red as his head shuddered in anger. A lip curled up into a rageful snarl. “RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Dan snatched the bowl of cut apples in front of him and heaved it into the air.
‘Splorch!’
Dan sighed and turned around to see the mixing bowl resting atop of Chris’s head and the contents oozing out down his face.
“Nice catch, duffus,” Dan said.
Chris pulled an apple slice off his cheek and put it in his mouth, it made a light crunching sound as he ate the piece. “Hmmm, cinnamony…” he commented.
“…Was that the sound of my super-special-most-loving-boyfriend-in-the-whole-wide-universe losing his temper and throwing the apples he was working on into the air so they landed on Chris’s head?” Pinkie asked.
Dan sighed, “Yeah… guess I’ll start peeling again… ”
-ooooooo-
Dan* peered up from the paper he was reading as his angry looking lookalike walked over.
Dan held a pie aloft with an oven mitt covered hand, and focused rageful looking eyes at Dan*.
Chris walked behind his grumpy friend, a pensive expression plastered on his face and sugar and cinnamon plastered on his hair. His eyes darted back and forth between the short man sitting at the table, and the one who grumbled to himself as he approached said table.
Dan sat the pie down in front of the bearded man in a brown suit. Steam wafted up from the small, teardrop shaped holes in the golden brown crust.
“Hmmm, I was beginning to wonder if you’d even get one out tonight,” Dan* said.
Dan narrowed his eyes. “Hey, good pie takes time,” he replied.
Dan* grinned, “Especially if it’s your first time making one.”
Dan simply glowered at his disguised double in response.
Dan* glanced up at Chris, “Hey Chris, like what you’ve done with your hair. Got a nice glazed look to it.”
“You think?” Chris asked as he gave himself a small smile and looked up at his hair.
“You here to keep this guy out of trouble?” Dan* asked.
“Who’s going to get in trouble!?” Dan asked in an irritated tone. “All I’m doing is baking and serving a delicious freedom pie,” he stated adding, “…freedom happens to be apple flavored.”
“Hmmm, quite,” Dan* replied. He reached an index finger up and pointed to his own left ear. “Had to phone a friends?” he asked as he continued to smile.
Dan glanced towards his Bluetooth earpiece, “A super-adorable girlfriend,” he answered.
Pinkie tittered quietly on the other end of the phone.
“Shame she couldn’t be here in person,” Dan* said, “I’d love to meet her again.”
Dan paused and glanced at his headset as a low-pitched growl emanated from the tiny speaker. He turned back to Dan* and cocked an eyebrow, “Yeah, I kinda doubt that.”
“Well, tell that sweet, young thing I said ‘hi’,” Dan* said.
“Tell the contemptible little troll that I look forward to playing jump rope with his large intestines,” Pinkie snarled out.
“Uh… you know, maybe you should meet her!” Dan said with a small grin. “I’m sure it’d be quite the eviscerate-er-enlightening experience for you.”
Dan* chuckled, “She still has that serial killer charm of hers, I see.”
“You have no idea,” Dan replied. “So, are you going to yak at me all night, or are you actually going to eat your words.”
Dan* chuckled again and poked the pie with a plastic knife, “I don’t recall saying anything I’d have to take back.”
“Yeah, but you were thinking it!” Dan accused. “Really hard!”
Dan* shook his head as he retracted the knife and examined it, “Dan, Dan, Dan… when are you going to learn that you shouldn’t always expect the worse of people…”
“It would help if I stopped running into people with personal vendettas against me,” Dan retorted.
Dan* continued to examine the knife in front of him, “Well, you know what they say, Danny boy, ‘You reap what you sow.’”
Dan knitted his brow, but then quickly softened his expression and smiled, “I wonder if you kept that in mind when you were being thrown through a window… and pummeled by the customers here… and also tasered by the police.” His smile grew wider as he heard Pinkie erupt into mirthful laughter.
Dan* just smirked and continued to examine his plastic knife.
“And what the heck are you doing!?” Dan demanded, “It’s a plastic knife, not exactly a lot of craftsmanship to admire.”
Dan chortled softly, “Just checking how well cooked everything is, looks like you almost got it right.”
Dan’s eye twitched, “Almost?”
The low growling sound once again emanated from Dan’s headset into his ear.
“Well, I mean… it’s really good… for your first time, that is,” Dan* stated.
The wrinkle in Dan’s brow increased as did the volume of the growl in his left ear.
Dan* stuck a plastic fork into the pie and dug out a mass of crust and apples. He eyed the mass carefully before bringing it up to his mouth and eating it, “Hmmm, not bad.”
The growling from the Bluetooth increased in pitch.
“Let me guess, not good either,” Dan said as he glowered at his double.
Dan* smiled, “Well, the texture is nice, if a little watery. Mostly, it’s that fact that the bottom crust is a tad underdone.”
To Dan’s surprise, there was silence on the other line. He refocused his attention to the man in front of him, “Anything else?”
Dan* shrugged, “Well, nothing worth mentioning.” He reached for his back pocket, “Here, what do I owe you.”
Dan snatched the pie from the table, “Your total defeat when I come back with a pie that knocks you dead,” Dan stated. “Uh… not literally.” he qualified. “As much as I’d like to…” he added under his breath.
Chris and Dan* watched as the ill-tempered man stormed off back towards the kitchen.
Dan* leaned his elbows on the table and entertained his fingers as he leaned his face against them.
“It’s a dangerous game you’re playing here,” Chris said to Dan*.
Dan* lowered his “Chris, baking shouldn’t be a ‘dangerous game’,” Dan* replied, “it should be a nice, relaxing, calm activity. I’m just trying to teach those two a valuable lesson.”
Chris raised an eyebrow, “About baking, or about throwing you out a window?”
Dan* shrugged, “Qué será, será.”
-o-
“Hey Dan,” Wally greeted, “how about you…”
“NOT NOW, WALLY!” Dan shouted as he stormed past his plumb boss towards the kitchen.
Wally gulped and glanced pensively out the bakery windows as the sun drew closer to the horizon.
“Sorry, Dan…” Pinkie uttered.
Dan glanced at the Bluetooth device in his ear, “Why are you sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
There was a sigh on the other end, “No, I screwed up,” Pinkie asserted. “I should have told you to add a little baking soda and also put the pie on the lower rack…What is it with that guy, anyway? Is he some sort of pie baking expert?”
“Apparently one of the lives he took over was a baker’s, so…yeah…”
“Oh…” Pinkie said simply. She sighed, “Dan, why are we making this creep a pie?”
“To prove we’re better than him at everything!” Dan replied.
There was a pause on the other line, “…Is that really necessary?” Pinkie asked. "I mean, there’s always going to be someone who’s better at us at something or another… and I can think of easier ways to get back at him…” Pinkie added.
Dan rolled his eyes, “Yeah, you’ve already told me in grisly detail… Besides, this guys is just so smug about the whole pie thing!” Dan whined. He smashed his fist into his palm, “I really want to see the look on his face when we present him with the world’s most perfect apple flavored freedom pie.”
“Well it’s not going to happen with that attitude,” a voice called out.
“Dun, dun, DUUUUUN!~” Pinkie sang in a dramatic tone.
Dan glared at his Bluetooth device, “What the heck, Goofball?”
Pinkie giggled, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
Dan looked towards the source of the voice, “What is it, monkey-face?”
“Oooo!” Pinkie said. “Tell Chris I said, ‘hi!’”
Dan rolled his eyes, “Pinkie says, ‘hi’.”
Chris smiled, “Oh, well tell Pinkie I said ‘hi’ and ‘I hope she’s feeling better’.”
Dan grumbled irritably to himself, “Chris says ‘hi’ and hopes you’re feeling better.’”
“…Ask Chris, ‘Better than what?’”
Dan smacked a palm against his face, “Alright, this is stupid.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the phone. He pressed the screen a few time and sat the pone on the counter next to a several bright green apples and baking equipment. “There, you’re on speaker pony…I mean phone.”
“Oooo! Neato-torpedo!” Pinkie’s voice cried from the phone.
“Hi, Pinkie!” Chris said.
“Hi, Chris!” Pinkie replied.
“Are you feeling any better?” Chris asked.
“Better than what?” Pinkie responded.
“Would you two shut up!” Dan commanded as he remove the Bluetooth headset from his ear. “I’m trying to bake a pie here!”
“Well, you’re paying right into his hands!” Chris said.
“Dun, dun, DUUUUUN!~” Pinkie sang in a dramatic tone.
Dan furrowed his brow at his phone, then looked back at Chris, “Well, he did ask me to bake a pie.”
“Yes, but he wants you to make it while angry,” Chris explained.
“Dun, dun, DUUUUUN!~” Pinkie sang in a dramatic tone.
Dan turned and leveled an index finger at his phone. “Pinkie, if you don’t cut that out, I’m cutting back your snow-cone intake,” he threatened.
“…I’ll be good…” Pinkie said meekly.
Dan turned to Chris, “Why does he want me to make a pie while I’m angry.”
“Because he knows you won’t be able to do it!”
Dan narrowed his eyes, “Explain.”
“He’s counting on you making mistakes while you bake. He says baking should be a nice, relaxing, calm activity.”
Dan went silent.
“…I hate to admit it,” Pinkie chimed in, “but he’s got a point… I mean, I forgot a few things because I was angry.”
“So, THAT’S his little game!” Dan cried.
“…What?” Chris and Pinkie asked in unison.
“You two are so enamored with stupid calm, rational behavior garbage that you can’t see this is just him hedging his bets!” Dan spat out.
Chris wrinkled his brow in confusion, “You baking while calm is him hedging his bets?”
“Is there an echo in here?!” Dan asked in an angry tone.
“I dunno…” Pinkie replied, “ECHO! ECHO! ECHO…!” Pinkie giggled, “I guess there is.”
“Goofball, that was just you saying ‘echo’ over and over again,” Dan said.
“Oh… so I was…”
“Look, you two obviously took the short bus to school…”
“Dan, I rode the same, regular bus with you almost everyday to school,” Chris retorted.
“And I never lived by a place that had busses when I went to school,” Pinkie added.
Dan parted his lips erupted in an angry growl through clenched teeth, “GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR… BOTH OF YOU STOP DOUBLE TEAMING ME WITH YOUR IDIOCY!”
Chris and Pinkie went silent.
“Look,” Dan began, “He’s no longer sure he can get me to assault him so he’s trying a different angle. He wants me to calm down and bake a nice, drama free pie so I can see the error of my angry ways and blah, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah.” Dan said as he rolled his eyes and rocked his head back and forth.
“… And that’s… bad?” Chris asked.
“OF COURSE IT’S BAD!” Dan shouted. “If I make the pie his way then he’s planted his fiendish seed of me becoming a normal, tax paying, productive member of society!”
“Dan, you already pay taxed,” Chris stated, “they’re taken out of your wages.”
“Not the point!” Dan said. “If he gets me with this, then eventually I’ll stop declaring vengeance on everything, I won’t be shouting at everyone around me, and the insults will drop dramatically, and then he feels better because he proved I had to change my ways.”
“Dan, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life or anything, but I kinda feel all those things might be good for you.” Chris said.
Dan shot a glare out at his friend, “Treacherous cur! I hope you like cold because you’ll be getting an eternity of it in Hell.”
Chris smacked a palm against his face, “Heat, Dan. Heat! It’s hot in Hell.”
Dan grinned wickedly, “Not in the 9th circle reserved for traitors.”
Chris paused, “Oh…uh… I guess you got me there… STILL, I don’t think it’s”--Chris air quoted-- “’treacherous’ to suggest you can use a little more peace and calm in your life.”
“Sorry Dan, I’m with Chris on this one,” Pinkie said from the phone.
Dan glanced at the phone and frowned, “Oh well… I guess you’re right, you know… I’m starting to feel calmer already.”
“See Dan,” Pinkie said cheerfully from the phone, “it’s not so bad to relax every once in a while!”
“You’re right, Pinkie,” Dan replied. “Yep, from here on out it’ll be a nice, normal life…”
“That’s right… wait…” Pinkie paused. “How normal?” she asked with a hint of concern.
“Well… I dare say we won’t need the kiddy pool anymore,” Dan said with a smirk. “And, I hope you like missionary position with the lights turned off, because that’s the peak of excitement new, normal, boring, Dan can manage.”
-- ♫
“…I KILL THAT MOTHER BUCKER!” Pinkie roared angrily.
Chris sighed, sensing he had just lost the argument.
“That’s my girl,” Dan cooed.
“Dan, let’s bake the most awesomest, delicious, ANGRIEST PIE EVER!”
“I’m way ahead of you,” Dan said with a grin. He grabbed an apple corer and stabbed it through an apple.
-- ♫
Dan picked up a peeler and began feverishly peeling away the apple skin.
-- ♫
Dan quickly finished, placing the skinless apple on the counter and snatching another.
-- ♫
Dan grabbed a measuring cup full of flower and added it to a mixing bowl.
-- ♫
He threw in some butter, a spoonful of salt, a spoonful of sugar, and a small cup of water.
-- ♫
“MURDER THAT MIXTURE, DAN!” Pinkie cried.
Dan grinned evilly to himself as grabbed a wooden, bakery spoon.
-- ♫
Dan stabbed the floury mixture with the spoon and began zealously mixing.
-- ♫
Dan threw open the door to a refrigerator and tossed the mixing bowl inside.
-- ♫
Dan opened the refrigerator again and pulled out the mixing bowl.
-- ♫
Dan scooped out the doughy mixture with a hand.
-- ♫
He hurled the white mass onto a wooden dough board.
-- ♫
He picked up a rolling pin and smashed it into the center of the dough.
-- ♫
Dan aggressively rolled the pin back and forth, flattening the mixture.
-- ♫
Dan dropped the flattened disc of flour into a pie tin.
-- ♫
He dumped in a sugar coated batch of sliced apples into the tin and covered it with another doughy disk.
-- ♫
Dan tossed the uncooked pie into the oven and turned, closing the door with the heel of his foot as he did.
-- ♫
Dan snatched the hot pie from the oven with an oven mitt clad hand.
-- ♫
He walked the pie to Dan*’s table and sat it in front him.
-- ♫
Dan* stuck a plastic knife into the pie and pulled it out.
-- ♫
He examined it and gave Dan a small, smug smile.
-- ♫
Dan glared in response.
-- ♫
Dan* took a forkful of the pie and tired a bite.
-- ♫
He carefully chewed the morsel of pie.
-- ♫
“A little on the sweet side, don’t you think?” Dan* asked coking his head slightly.
Dan narrowed his eyes and snatched the pie from the table.
-- ♫
“GRRRRRRRRRRR!” Pinkie cried shrilly. “That’s it! It’s time to break out the big guns!”
-- ♫
Pinkie zipped into the bedroom in front of the mirror. “SPIKE!” she cried.
Twilight and Spike looked up from the mass of spells.
-- ♫
“Uh, yeah Pinkie?” Spike asked.
“Take a letter! NOW!” Pinkie ordered with a look of determination.
-- ♫
The purple dragon quickly produced a scroll and quill.
“Write: To A.J. from Pinkie. Pie challenge in progress. Fluttershy’s cottage. NOW!”
-- ♫
“Check,” Spike replied as he quickly jotted down Pinkie’s dictation.
“SEND IT!” Pinkie cried.
In a puff of green flame, the scroll disappeared.
-- ♫
“Pinkie, I don’t think…” Twilight began.
-- ♫
“PIE CHALLENGE, TWILIGHT!” Pinkie cried.
-- ♫
“If anypony understands the importance of that, it’s Applejack,” she added.
-- ♫
“Okay,” Twilight said, “but it’ll probably take Princess Celestia…”
-- ♫
‘THUD!’
The door to Fluttershy’s cottage slammed open revealing an orange pony with a stern expression on the other side.
-- ♫
“Howdy, ya’ll. I came over as soon as Princess Celestia gave me your note,” Applejack said.
-- ♫
“Wow, that was fast…” Twilight said as she stared at Applejack.
-- ♫
“Pie challenge, Sugarcube,” Applejack replied.
-- ♫
“Don’t get much more serious than that,” she added as she narrowed her eyes.
-- ♫
“Applejack!” Pinkie cried as she held up her smartphone. “We need you to tell Dan how to make the best pie EVER!”
-- ♫
Applejack nodded, “You listenin’ there, partner?”
-- ♫
“Yeah, cowpony,” Dan’s voice said from the phone’s speaker. He held a skinned apple in on hand and a knife in the other.
-- ♫
“Let’s slice some apples!” he said through gritted teeth.
Dan walked the new, freshly baked pie up to the table, passing Chris and Wally as he did. His Bluetooth device was once again sitting in his ear.
Chris and Wally looked on with tense, almost packed expressions. Wally sweated profusely as he continually glanced at the darkening sky.
“Dan! Don’t do anything you’ll regret!” Chris cried.
Dan turned back and flashed Chris a mad, toothy smile, “I never do!”
Dan placed the pie on his doubles table.
-- ♫
“Third times the charm, eh?” Dan* asked with a grin.
Dan flashed his doppelganger a wild, mad smile.
-- ♫
“Good pies take time,” Dan stated as smile suddenly dropped and pulled into a sneer, “and RAGE!”
-- ♫
Dan* cocked his head slightly and gave Dan a suspicious look. He stabbed a plastic knife into the pie, took it out, examined it, and his eyes opened wide in surprise.
-- ♫
“Something wrong?” Dan asked with a mad grin.
“Na…no…” Dan* replied in a slightly shaky tone. “Nothing.
-- ♫
Wally took another glance outside and noticed the hints of moonlight peering out from behind parting clouds.
“Oh no…” Wally muttered. He suddenly bolted for the office.
-- ♫
Chris spared a quick, confused glance for Wally, then looked back towards the table.
Dan* took a forkful of pie and to his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. “Almost perfect.”
-- ♫
Dan heard a familiar growl as his eye twitched, “Almost?”
Dan* smirked, “Crust could stand to be a bit flakier.”
-- ♫
“FLAKIER?!” Pinkie cried. “DAN! PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!”
-- ♫
“Pinkie! No!” Twilight pleaded.
“Boy howdy,” Applejack began, “you two really know how to throw a pie challenge!” She said excitedly.
-- ♫
Dan leaned down and snatched his double’s red bow tie, pulling the shorter man up out of his chair.
-- ♫
Dan* merely grinned in response.
“Dan! No!” Chris pleaded.
-- ♫
“You know I still win this way,” Dan* said with a smug smile.
-- ♫
Dan pulled back his fist. “Whatever, buddy. This way, everyone’s happy,” he said with a mad grin.
--Shut
The office door exploded outward in a hailstorm of splinters.
--it
There was a growl, some snarling, a blur of brown fur…
--up
Dan* cried out in alarm as something big and fast snatched him from Dan’s grasp and quickly dragged him out of the bakery.
Dan paused and examined the bowtie still in his hand, the ends of it now ripped and torn.
“What happened?! Did you punch him?!” Pinkie asked from her phone.
Dan looked outside.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Dan* screamed as he threw his hands into the air and sprinted out of the parking lot, his clothes sporting claw marks in places and his body moving surprisingly fast despite all the injuries he had received that day.
A bipedal wolf like creature threw its muzzle to the sky and howled, “AROUUUUUUUUUUU!”
“No…” Dan answered into his headset.
“Awww, dis!” Pinkie replied.
Dan watched as The Wolfman began chasing his prey, jogging after him in a pair of trainers.
Likewise, bakery patrons looked up from their cupcakes and muffins at the disturbance, then quickly returned focus to their food and conversations.
“The Wolfman attacked him,” Dan informed Pinkie.
There was a pause on the other line, “…Awesome!” Pinkie replied.
“What?!” Twilight exclaimed. “Wolfman?!” she asked as she looked towards Spike.
The baby dragon merely shrugged in response.
“Hooo boy!” Applejack exclaimed, “That sounds like tha third craziest pie challenge Ah’ve ever had the honor to participate in!”
Twilight sighed and buried her face in her forehooves. “I am soooo done with today!” she announced.
“Da…Dan?” Chris said in a panicked tone as he stared at the now broken office door. “Di…did The Wolfman just break out of the bakery office?!”
“You know what?” Dan replied. “I’m not even going to question it!” he declared with a smile. “All I know is that ‘savage mauling by The Wolfman’ defiantly counts as a win here!”
“Ba…but!” Chris protested as he motioned to the shattered door.
Dan began walking towards the bakery exit.
“Where are you going?!” Chris called.
“Home,” Dan replied, “you can close up shop tonight, buddy.”
“BUT…!”
Dan held up a hand and waved it back in forth, “Don’t care. See ya later.” He pulled the bakery door open and stepped into the night.
Chris just sighed and shook his head, “Guess I’ll go get the broom…”
-o-
Dan walked towards his apartment in the warm, California evening, the full moon continued to climb in the sky as streetlight illuminated Dan’s path home. “Uh, hey Goofball,” he said into his headset, “I’ll see you in a few, okay?”
“Okay, Dan!” Pinkie replied cheerfully. “I love you!”
“I love you, too,” Dan replied. “Bye!”
“Bye-Bye!”
Dan reached a finger up to his Bluetooth headset and turned the device off.
Pinkie sighed as she watched the call terminate. She looked back up into the mirror. “I don’t suppose there’s any chance you’re going to find a way to turn me back to a human in the next few minutes?” Pinkie asked, though she already knew the answer.
Twilight gave her pink friend an apologetic look. “Sorry, Pinkie,” she said as she shook her head.
“…Maybe you can turn me into something else!” Pinkie suggested.
“Pinkie, I think you’re better off as a pony for the time being…”
There was a light tapping on the cottage stairs as Fluttershy trotted down into the room, “Uh, hey everypony. Erm, is everything all…”
“What about that tongue monster!” Pinkie suggested. “I’m sure I’ll get used to tasting everything I touch eventually…”
Fluttershy’s cheeks puffed out and she quickly raised her forehooves to her mouth. She wasted no time in flying back upstairs.
“Ulg,” Spike uttered as pulled his lips up and to the left of his face and simultaneously lowered his left eyebrow, “that thought’s going to haunt the old subconscious for a while.”
Applejack shuddered, “Ya said it, partner.”
“Pinkie! No! You and Dan will just have to work it out for a little bit while I sort through all these spells!” Twilight said.
Pinkie sighed, “Alright, Twilight… But I just know Dan is secretly hiding how he feels about this from me!”
“Uh, have you tried asking him?” Applejack suggested.
“Well, d’uh!” Pinkie replied, “But it’s not like he’s just going to tell me he’s incredibly disappointed that I’m a pony now.”
“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight began, “this is the real you, and different species or not, if Dan really loves you, he can accept this part of you.”
“Darn straight!” Applejack agreed.
“Well, you guys are right in a way,” Pinkie said, “but it’s not quite that simple. I mean… human’s only really have other humans to go out on dates and get all huggy with eachother with… I can’t just expect Dan to walk right in and…”
‘SLAM!’
Pinkie bolted for the bedroom door and turned towards the apartment entrance with wide, fearful eyes, “DAN! I’m still a pony, please don’t be ang…”
“I DEMAND PONY SNUGGLES!” Dan shouted. He closed the door behind him and stormed into the bathroom.
“…ry…” Pinkie paused and shot a confused glance at her friends on the other side of the mirror, she heard the sound of a drawer opening and items being rustled.
Twilight just smiled and shook her head, “Just roll with it. We’ll pick this up tomorrow.”
Pinkie nodded, “Alright Twilight, goodnight. Goodnight, Spike. Goodnight, Applejack.”
The ponies and dragon waved. “Goodnight, Pinkie!” they said in unison.
“Oh!” Pinkie said, “And say goodnight to Fluttershy and everyone else for me, too-WHOA!” Pinkie exclaimed as Dan entered the room, bent down, and scooped her up into his arms.
“Less talky, talky, more brushy, brushy!” Dan said as he balanced Pinkie and a pink hair brush in his arms.
Twilight chuckled as her horn glowed purple. In a lavender flash, the word ‘MUTE’ once again displayed on the mirror in large, bold text.
“So uh…” Pinkie said as Dan sat down on the bed, holding the pink pony in his lap, “I take it you…oh…that feels niiiiice…” Pinkie purred as Dan ran a pink hair brush through her mane. “So… you’re not… too upset about me still being a pony, I take it…”
“I’m learning to find the positives in all this,” Dan replied as he continued to smile.
“Still, I can’t stay a pony forever…” Pinkie said.
“Hey…” Dan reached down and grasped Pinkie’s chin, he gently tilted her face up and smiled at her with loving, green eyes, “this is the real you, and I’m okay with that. Besides, it doesn’t matter what you look like. I’d still love you if you were like… a Walrus, or some sort of giant tongue monster…”
Pinkie smiled happily as her face flushed with redness. She nuzzled her head against Dan’s chest, “That’s the sweetest, most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me…” Her smile dropped as she looked up at Dan with sky-blue, serious looking eyes, “Still, I really can’t stay a pony forever. My hooves don’t seem to work here and there’s erm… other things that might get awkward…”
Dan tensed slightly, “I’m sure we can work something out eventually…”
Pinkie cocked an eye at her boyfriend, “How long is ‘eventually’…”
“Hey, I didn’t know I was going to have to create a schedule here!” Dan protested.
“I’m sorry Dan, it’s just…well it’s Spring…”
“Yeah, so?”
“That means it’s also kinda pony mating season…” Pinkie pointed out as she bit her lower lip.
“…Oh… So…” Dan replied.
“So, we may only have a few weeks or days even before things start getting weird.”
Dan went quiet and thought about this.
Well… It’s not that I haven’t given this any thought… but I was hoping we’d sort this thing out before it became an issue… Hey, wait a minute…
“What did you do back in prancing ponyland?” Dan asked, “I mean… if I was your first, then…”
“Well, there was a lot more to keep me distracted in Ponylan-I mean, Ponyville. I could go outside for one…”
“Well, maybe you can bake, or play video games…” Dan suggested.
Pinkie narrowed her eyes and held up her pink forehooves.
“Oh, right…” Dan said.
“Trust me,” Pinkie said, “we’ll want to get me back to human, soon. I’ve had to write reminder notes to myself to eat during mating season! ME!” Pinkie emphasized, motioning to herself with her forehooves. “And I’ve never been trapped in a small apartment with someone I was wildly attracted to.”
“Awww…” Dan cooed at the accidental compliment.
“You may be slightly less flattered when I tackle you and start chewing your clothes off,” Pinkie pointed out.
“Uh, good point… so do you think Sparkler will figure something out?”
Pinkie sighed, “I don’t know… She knows a lot about magic, but she doesn’t seem to be finding anything that’ll just change me back… and she’s even pulled books and spells from all over Equestria… We may have to try something here…”
“Like… our neighbor downstairs?” Dan suggested.
Pinkie raised an eyebrow, “Dan, he’d just make it so I could shoot lasers out of my eyes.”
“That could be useful…”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t exactly address the issue here.”
“Oh, right…”
“Hey, how about we try Elise?! She’s super-duper smart and has made all kinds of super-sciencey gismos!” Pinkie suggested enthusiastically.
“Yeah, most of them disintegrate people…” Dan pointed out.
“Well, sure, but I mean… she was making them specifically for that purpose. It couldn’t hurt to ask her…”
“It might if she turns you over to her shadowy, quasi-governmental organization,” Dan retorted.
Pinkie waved a forehoof about dismissively, “Elise wouldn’t do that to me. Now if you were the talking horse…”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it,” Dan replied. He placed his a hand on Pinkie’s head and gently pressed down until Pinkie was resting her chin on her forearms. Dan continued brushing Pinkie’s mane.
Pinkie murmured a content, “Hmmmmm…” and closed her eyes as she savored the warmth of her boyfriend and the attention he was giving her.
“So…” Dan said, “guess we’re coming clean with Elise and Chris tomorrow, huh?”
Pinkie popped open an eye. “Why Chris?” Pinkie asked.
Dan grinned, “Mostly, I can’t wait to see the look on his stupid face when he’s see you’re actually a pony.”
Pinkie giggled, “I’ll let you borrow my camera.”
Dan nodded, “Great, now just shut up and enjoy the moment.”
Pinkie relaxed again and returned to enjoying the sensation of having Dan run a brush through her mane, “you should do my tail next…”
Dan grinned, “That’s the plan.”
“Hey, Dan?”
“Yeah, Goofball?”
“I love you.”
Dan smiled, “I love you, too.” He suddenly glanced up and knitted his brow at something above him, “uh…why is there a hole in the ceiling?”
“…Just shut up and enjoy the moment, Dan.”
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and that is a BIG fucking complement
3907189
why is there so little likes on this and i do mean that literally because im pretty sure there are more than 252 followers of this story
XD lol I love them
If you ever do a Pinkie and Dan love scene, this will probably be my reaction...
memeorama.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/im-sickened-but-curious.jpeg
and this...
troll.me/images/the-chuck-norris/chuck-norris-approved-ship-it.jpg
But mostly, this...
static1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120423021823/mlp/images/d/d9/Twilight_mean_grin_S2E25.png
Anyways, love your story, and I eagerly await the reveal!
Wally the Wolfman, got a Dan* stuck in his teeth.
Well, thats as far as Ive got with the Dan verson of Frosty the Snowman. Maybe I need to watch more Doctor Who.
I wonder if Pinkie drove Twilight angry, and started with Appendix.
Another lovely irreverent and cute chapter of joy.
Ze Majicks are maintained.
Innuendo, but that's hard to avoid when it's a active issue.... Oh dear.
"Pinkie, stop. Please!"
"Pinkie!"
(
)
I love that line.
Maybe Twilight has a spell to take ponies out of heat? Seems like the best option right now, and desperate times call for desperate measures. One of my favorite moments from the show was Chris' staunch refusal to look the gift horse in the mouth in "Dan Vs Dan." It's like they took the cartoon playbook and threw it right out the window, not even Futurama went there.
Is there a chance we might see the anger management lady? She was one of my favorite one-offers
Yes the chapter I am waiting for is finally coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ETA please
...........
3908084
That's something I love about Dan Vs. The constant subversion of expectations.
I'm getting various requests to reuse characters and thinking about chapters, and Amber was pretty entertaining, so I'll give it some thought.
The great thing about Dan & Pinkie is they're sort of perpetually entertaining, so it's not terribly troublesome to think of a situation a get a good story out of it.
3908144
Two to three days, probably. I've been pretty good about keeping my schedule here with the new fics (save that a three day wait is a bit more common).
It's legion of SweetieMash and the handful of All That Shimmers readers that are having to wait for the most part.
I can see a future chapter title.
Pinkie vs. Estrus
Whatever you're planning, I'm sure lots of laughs (and good music) will follow.
So is the tongue monster a The Tick reference?
3908862
Yes, yes it is.
Very nice chapter! Actually, does this mean that in the next chapter Chris and Elsie will see the Tele-Mirror?
3908722
I was thinking it could be Dan vs Heat, we already had one vs Pinkie, and it has a nice symmetry.
Of course, I'm still a little miffed that Dan Vs.Bestiality/ Xenophilia never was a title. (for added humor, I misspelled Dan as dna.
It works on so many levels.
) It seems like a gimme to me. But that's probably due to the internet.
Now Dan* is either a werewolf or dead, unless he finds a really good shaman or Voodoo priest to exorcise him (I'm working on the assumption that a Loup-Garou is essentially a lychathrope despite the memetic drift in the meaning of the former, to say nothing of skinwalkers).
Also, AJ has seen some sh*t concerning cooking competitions. Her family reunions are like apple-themed Vietnam flashbacks. Just let that image sink in.
On another note, Dan's grooming fetish has been developing nicely I see. It's only a matter of time before they get a recreation saddle. I know they exist, I saw it on HBO one time. Its this whole, low grade furry deal just for horse women.
But it definitely suits, once they figure things out one way or another.
And it just occurred to me that you just twisted the Dan Vs universe such that it contains a werewolf with a nuclear suitcase.
3909802
Technically it already had that. Wally is The Wolfman.
Minute 20.
3909811
Huh, I forgot about that, because they didn't name him in that episode.
I bow to your greater canon-lore. This is a rare day, savor it well.
3909878
It's funny how almost no one has caught that. Even the Dan vs. wikia hasn't pieced it together.
I mean, someone figured out that The Wolfman works at Wally's Emporium of Hardware and Explosives, but the somehow didn't pick up on the fact that that "someone" is, in fact, Wally.
Once again, probably because he isn't named in that episode. Heck, I think we only figure out what Wally looks like in Dan Vs. Gigundo-Mart
Holy crap, I just saw that you have 90 chapters. That's reDonkulous.
And awesome.
New Chapter is NEW, AND AWESOME!
Also
Isn't it ..not me?
Just something I found.
..
Don't hate me
...
Also.
Moustache
3909883 Really? No one else knew? I thought it was a given. As soon as Wally showed up in the story I was thinking to myself, "Hey it's the wolf-man! I wonder if that's gonna become a chapter."
3910220 I knew...if anything else I'm surprised so few people got that.
3909883 Soon...SOON!!!. the chapter I've been waiting for shall finally come to pass
Pinkie's true identity shall be known to the entire core Dan vs. cast!
"yeah...lot me doing..." doesnt sound right
This story is so adorably psychotic and hilarious, and I love every word of it!
Wally for the win
3910012
3910502
"of me" actually.
Fixed.
3911119 i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/166/752/soclose.jpg
So many chapters...
It has been three days, where is it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe it should be
“It might if she turns you over to her shadowy, quasi-governmental organization,”
There are other errors but it is almost 5am and I cannot be bothered finding them. Keep up the good story I also might have an idea for future
4378408
Got this one! Thank you!
“Well… I dare say we won’t need the kiddy pool anymore,” Dan said with a smirk. “And, I hope you like missionary position with the lights turned off, because that’s the peak of excitement new, normal, boring, Dan can manage.”
This, creeps the heck out of me. What fantasies does she have?!
Still, loving your work so far, keep it up!
4399038
She just likes things that are fun that (usually) don't hurt anyone. She's not exactly depraved, it's just Dan and her are kinda up for trying anything.
Well, you’re paying right into his hands
Dan, you already pay taxed
I KILL THAT MOTHER BUCKER
took a forkful of the pie and tired a bite
“Na…no…” Dan* replied in a slightly shaky tone. “Nothing.
1. Playing.
2. Taxes..
3. I'll. Unless Pinkie went Mad Mike on us again
4. Tried.
5. Forgot your closing quotation mark here.
6. You. Because Dan is talking about how it might work if Elise turned Pinkie over to her... organisation-thingy.
Thank god I don't have to wait long for the next chapter... BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY HERE!
The large intestine wouldn't make for a very good jumprope. The small intestine, on the other hand...
Well...uhh...so that's happening...
If I wanted to sell someone on ponies, I think I might just have them read this chapter.
Derpy! DH! Cross-examine and make a spell out of scratch!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
5146717 Shut up.
Pie Challenge, eh?
Not gonna lie, that's an obvious, yet unlooked at type of relationship between Pinkie Pie and Applejack.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQv_pRJYFY4
Okay, I have to know...what were the first and second? Did Discord participate in a Pie Challenge?
friend
playing
tax
Here it was before the tax meme
https://youtu.be/KB-1Knlyrao
7277096
Despite having scrolled past this comment numerous times in the past, never before have I so vividly imagined an episode of FiM where Discord attempts to trace his lineage back to prove he was an Apple.