Part 9 Dan Vs. The Order Keepers: Epilogue
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 9 Dan Vs. The Order Keepers
Epilogue
-ooooooo-
“SHORYUKEN!”
‘Crack!’
The grim king felt the sharp pain at his chin, quickly followed by a sharp pain at his neck, then…
…nothing…
Well, not quite. He could still perceive he was falling, that he had lost his crown, and some other things even his now dimmed senses, usually enhanced by the crown, could still feel.
He closed his eyes and focused.
She broke my neck…
Without the crown it will take time to fix…
…I have no time.
The Order Keeper king resigned himself to his fate, the one thing he had always had in abundance having been robbed from him.
‘Pfffuuuu…’
Instead of a thud, there was the sound like smoke quickly wafting out, as if suddenly released into the air.
Instead of death there was clarity.
The grim king’s senses began to return to him, as did the halo above his white, glowing eyes.
He heard the lamentations of his people.
“What have they done?!”
“They have brought death!”
“He is the Ruinator! He will end us all!”
“How can this happen?!”
“What will become of us?!”
“SILENCE!” TOK’s king commanded.
His ethereal subjects obeyed.
His eyes focused up, just in time to witness the portal to the human’s world be torn asunder.
More energy lost…The human’s will is strong. Strong enough to disallow himself to be separated from The Warper. Strong enough to bend The Nexus to his will and use its energies to reach out into the cosmos… Had he simply remained in The Nexus long enough for the fall to kill me, he would likely be the new ruler…
I suppose I am lucky…
The grim king’s eyes narrowed. ‘Luck’ was not a thing he or his people tended to give much stock in, and the very idea of entertaining it as a factor was unnerving to say the least.
He began to concentrate, focusing on the differences that had befallen his realm.
The door…It is from the human’s world…
The bank vault suddenly vanished from The Nexus, revealing the crushed corpses of the Order Keepers below. Those near it looked upon the mess fearfully and began to quickly drift away from the grizzly scene.
Their weapons…
…As much as I am loath to do it, they must be returned…
Dan’s bat and Pinkie’s crowbar also vanished from The Nexus.
The animals…
The grim king’s eyes shot open wide as his focus drifted over the snakes.
…did not exist anywhere until a few minutes ago…DAMN THE WARPER!
TOK’s king decided to move on. Focusing on the diagonal stone trap he had created, and returning it to its previous form.
…Matter manipulation…such a waste of energy…
His eyes drifted over the still corporeal corpses of his fallen subjects.
So…
The human and The Warper have brought permanent change to this land…
There is nothing I can do here…
Finally he stretched his consciousness out, seeing if there was anything else he missed…
?
No…
The human…
He…he tore through the fabric of reality itself to shorten the distance between him and The Warper…
All that energy…released into the great cosmos…
HE WILL PAY!
He stretched his consciousness out of The Nexus. Out through the great channels of energy. Out towards the human’s world.
They should be there…but…what is this..?
I cannot sense the human…or The Warper…
They are not…anywhere?!
No…
That is not possible…
Could it be..?
Could the human still have enough power and will even outside The Nexus to simply deny that he and The Warper be taken back by force?!
Finally, the grim king spoke.
“CEASE THE GREAT COUNTDOWN!”
His subjects gasped and murmured, fixating scared and startled looking eyes upon him.
“The scar of change has been inflicted on The Nexus. The scourge of chaos was brought to this land, and we were not prepared. But not next time…and there will be a next time!”
The murmurs of distress increased as the grim king suddenly materialized into his corporeal form.
“ENOUGH!”
His subjects went quiet.
“You will all relearn what it is to be corporeal…What it is to be mortal. Some of you will have to face the human again, and he cannot be allowed to leave The Nexus alive next time.”
One by one, The Order Keepers forms began to form out of the thick ether. Hundreds of tall, gaunt, genderless, blue-black figures stepping their newly formed feet onto the ground and desperately attempting to maintain balance.
“Until then we will plan, and we will calculate. We must find a way to lure the human and The Warper back to the Nexus and how to destroy them when they are here. That is now our sole task.”
His commands issued, the grim king merely closed his eyes and began planning his and his people’s next move.
The Warper’s planet…
…Such a troublesome world…
If she is still in communication with beings there, then she must still have an attachment to the world…
...An attachment that can be used.
Yes…we shall release the impression on the world once more, and we shall remind her just how helpless she is to assist those she cares most about.
It is just a matter of calculation and planning…
All things in time.
Tik.
TOK.
End Part 9
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Well then. That's gonna suck for TOK.
The whole over-arching storyline with TOK is interesting and all, but the thing that intrigues me most at this point is definitely how Dan deals with Pinkie being a pony. There's a really strong, but pretty much cartoon (or, actually, fanfic, no cartoon would probably go there) exclusive situation, where if things between them change a lot it will mean that Dan didn't truly love her, and if they don't he'll be forced to confront the whole bestiality thing.
Oh, and of course how his "friends" react when they see her!
I think until & anywhere should be switched 'round.
3787788
Yep! Thanks.
Now these 'people' are starting to sound like the Anti Spiral except for the fact The Order Keepers want everything to end while the Anti Spiral wants everything to continue.
There is an entire universe coursing with magic governed by immortal nigh-omnipotent beings who twist the multiverse to their will.
And Dan freaking Mandel beat the living shit out of them.
Dan Mandel Brot it, And next time he will just De Klein it again.
3787881
Honestly, the Anti-Spiral are kinda what come to my mind when I picture TOK, but yeah, slightly different goals with Spiral energy consuming everything and TOK wanting universes to die out naturally so they're simply the last beings standing.
3788610
I'll go back and fix this. I normally do. Get's a little confusing having to do this different ways.
Edit: Fixed. Sorry about that.
*Claps*
Offers moustache
*Claps again*
Posts song that I find 'Relaxing' whilst reading this chapter.
You prolific writer you. Well done. I look forward to continued madness.
Alright, obvious possible next chapters:
Pinkie Pie Vs Hooves! After having hands for so long, now what?
Dan Vs Ponies! While the other Mane 6 are thrilled that Pinkie is.. well, Pinkie, this throws multiple complications into EVERYTHING.
Pinkie Vs The World Government! She's a cartoon horse that bends physics! She must be investigated!
Dan Vs Employment Round 2! Now that the only other 'useful' employee is 'sick'... for an indeterminate amount of time....Will Dan stay sane?
Dan and Pinkie VS Cross Species Relationships! ....What it says on the tin!
Or something completely out of left field, as our writer proves his mettle once more on the battlefield! To further updates! Ho!
Hey dude, who was Colby in this story again?
Also, how much better a Green Lantern do you think Dan would make than Hal Jordan?
3791966
Colby was one of Elise's Ex's that her parents kept on trying to set her back up with. He's actually in Dan Vs. in Dan Vs. Family Camping Trip and mentioned in Dan Vs. Chris.
3791973
Did he die or something?
3792015
Not sure how far you are yet, but he's in the fic during the camping ark. You can see what happens then.
3792024
Ah.
So...Green Lantern Dan. How much more powerful do you think he'd be than Hal?
Hey dude, how do you get the writing done for all these chapters so fast and in such close proximity to each other?
3792035
I'd imagine Dan would be a crazy powerful Green Lantern, but not a very good one given his lack of focus and personality.
3792122
Not gonna lie, my sleep schedule was pretty messed up for a bit there. I've tried to adjust this a little, my writing suffers a bit when I'm operating of less hours of sleep than I should.
3792136
So, you think he has the will for raw power, like Guy Gardner I think...but like Guy, lack the focus necessary to use that power to it's fullest potential?
So, if he were a story, he'd have a great premise but lack luster execution?
3792141
Ever write any original stuff, even FF that you transposed into original stuff?
Because I wasn't kidding when I said that you would be a good original comedy writer.
3792221
Thank you sir!
The corrections you have given me have been made.
3792221
I took another look at chapter 1 and it was still a bit rough.
It should be much cleaner, now.
Alright, giving the prologue one more pass to review the intended version of the changes. Gonna just call everything if I notice it:
Comma after so
comma before but
reason. -> reason,
comma after Well
pole. And -> pole, and, as the sentences are related.
Onwards to chapter 1:
there,
IGNITED
grinned.
the bulk -> him
brightened.
someone,
Dan
THIS!?
breathe.
torso,
fwoosh!" fire. pow," snap," "right and- WHAA."
,while
you?
Pinkie.
gosh, Pie, but
hear:
Chris."
la-OW!
she
ME,
Chris.
giggled.
I notice you have most of your issues with punctuation in and around dialogue. For reference:
When you have <sentence> "<dialogue>", you put a period between phrase and dialogue when the two are unrelated, and a colon when the phrase describes the speaking of the dialog in some way.
While we ran, I shouted: "Head for the hills!"
I smiled like an idiot. "I like cheese."
Also, the punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks, never outside:
"Ouch!" shake. "You
Going to stop pointing out these types of errors from here on out. Make sure to check all the way down for them.
it's
conscience (conscious = not knocked out. conscience = tells you right from wrong)
it's
daylight and
Oh,
ramble, ponies,
girl," he
smiled,
half
the bold on the Oh suggests "Oh, well," however, I don't think the bold is needed. Actually, come to think of it, your use of bold in some places and italics in others for emphasis is uneven. I would suggest going with one or the other for the entire story, preferably italics, but not both.
Confusing: needs an edit.
disbelief. "Sooo cool," she muttered to herself.
right." He angerily motioned
UP:
sprang
And finally, it would probably be best to go back and add dialogue attributions to all the lines of dialogue that don't have them. It makes the story easier to follow.
Just take care of this stack and it should be clean enough for me to flip my recommendation, though I would advise going over the next chapters when you get the time.
3792615
Alright, I'll get these in immediately.
I'll probably have to re-re go over the later chapters when I finish a first pass, and I have an editor who will also take a look at some point. Though, I have gone over the next several chapters over the last several days and will continue to clean up.
Well, I must say thank you, Justice. Unfortunately, I'm going to pretend that the story ended with part 7. Up through that point, I was laughing out loud, squealing with delight, and was almost manic because of how adorable it was. That momentum carried me through to chapter 69, until I realized none of that was happening anymore. I applaud this story, and now I adore DanPie, but it simply took a turn that my preferences as a reader don't agree with. To me at least, Pinkie and Dan's relationship has lost its innocence and most of its sweetness.
Dan x Pinkie forever. Thanks, until next time.
3792615
Changes made. I caught a few of these myself before your post, but just a few.
Thank you so much for taking the time to do this.
You were under no obligation to, and it means a lot to me that you were willing to do this.
There has been and will continue to be a thorough proofread over the story, as mentioned, this has happened with the next several chapters.
These early chapters where my very first attempts at fictional story writing for mass consumption in this format, so I was a bit green. I'm not making the same mistakes and making mistakes with far less frequency at this point.
3792875 You made the right call, all around.
Having Mr. Mumbles be the one to out Celestia, Celestia was a great idea.
3792615
I re-revised the next several chapters simply focusing on punctuation and capitalization at and around dialogue, so that's a bit more cleaned up as well.
I'll continue to do this as time permits.
3793111
3792731
Good to see authors constantly striving to improve
That being said, you might want to double-check the last part of chapter 1: I noticed a few <sentence>, "<dialogue>" problems that slipped by. Also, regardless of my recommendation, I believe the admins would still want the bold and italics standardized to all one or all the other before they give their approval. They're rather picky on formatting when it's meant to stick out. As before, I recommend replacing the bold with italics. Almost there
3793222
You're right, I missed a few things. I went back and cleaned things up further.
Threatening Pinkie's friends....TOK King isn't too bright, is he?
you clever
4360219 im only pointing it out cause it took me a good 5 minutes to figure it out myself.
*Leaves to do watch Gurren Lagann for the umpteenth time*
now I'm thinking Jack Noire.
You've done a great job on making a hateable villain.
Man, the Order King is a whiny bitch. Sheesh.
He's going to attack Equestria? Pfft! Good luck with that one, buddy.
There is no place more ready for such an attack.
4733389 All creatures of pure chaos/order are. ALL of them, without exception.
That's why Discord is cool. He's chaos AND disharmony. That can be fun!
But all the OOC pure-chaos Discords are whiny emo douches or OP god-mode douches. Laaaaaaaaame!
The opening made me think of Norse Mythology. How pure order and pure chaos are on two ends of the worlds, and life exists only in the middle, where the two reach a stablelization..
Interesting. So we don't need have Cubai use contracts to create magical girls to stave off the heat death of the universe, we just need to make Dan angry. It seems so simple in hindsight.
4813048
Uh, one small problem.
Pinkie Pie isn’t in Equestria.
No Pinkie Pie=No Elements
Unless Celestia has somehow become less ineffectual than she was in the show, then Equestria might be in a little trouble.
Oh, I get it now, the acronym for The Order of Keepers is also the second sound a clock makes... God I'm stupid...