Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week: Chapter 52: Pinkie Vs. Hentai
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 8 Dan & Pinkie Vs. Ordinary Week
Chapter 52: Pinkie Vs. Hentai
*****
Dan looked at the curtained off ‘Adults Only’ section of the anime aisle that Pinkie had just indicated she wanted to look inside of.
“Your funeral.” Dan uttered flatly.
Pinkie immediately put a pout on her face. “You’re not going in with me?”
Dan leveled an index finger at Pinkie. “I see enough unspeakable horrors just going to work and driving around L.A., I don’t need to go looking for them.” Dan replied.
“Well…will you at least hold my hand while I walk in?” Pinkie asked, adding large, puppy-dog eyes to her pout.
“Ulgh…” Dan replied disgustingly. “You are such a child sometimes. Couldn’t I just tie a rope around you and yank you out if you start uncontrollably screaming?” Dan suggested.
Pinkie shook her head. “Ropes aren’t very emotionally supportive, I mean…sure they’re great at being wieghtionally supportive, but they make pretty lousy friends. Believe me, I tired.”
“It’s actually pretty sad that I do believe you…fine, big baby, I’ll hold your hand.”
“Yay!” Pinkie declared triumphantly. “Oh! And I think we need a safety word or phrase, so you know when to pull me out!”
Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t think ‘hysterical sobbing’ or ‘uncontrollable screaming’ are indication enough when you inevitably find yourself in over your head?”
“Well…what if it’s the good type of uncontrollable screaming?”
Dan paused. “Then you better pull me in with you. Besides,” he added, “I’m pretty sure I’ve heard enough of both types to tell the difference.”
“What aboooouuuuut… ‘The Eagle has landed’?” Pinkie suggested.
Dan paused. “Okay, fine, that’s a darn good safety phrase.”
Pinkie beamed, raised her left palm to her mouth, spat in it and extended it to Dan.
Dan followed suite and grasped Pinkie’s hand.
Pinkie took a big breath and walked through the curtain.
Dan cringed as he felt shooting pain and heard the cracking of finger bones as Pinkie squeezed his hand tightly
“Pinkie…I don’t want to be a bother, but would you mind loosening your grip before I need a cast?” Dan growled out.
“My Celestia…it’s full of tentacles…” Pinkie murmured from behind the curtain.
“Uh…Should I pull you back out?” Dan offered.
There was a pause. “…No…I think…I think I’m ready to push forward…Let me just see what’s inside of one of these…”
Dan breathed a sigh of relief as the grip on his hand loosened then gave a pained “GAHCK!” as it tightened even further, turning his hand into a near unrecognizable shape.
“THE EAGLE HAS LANDED! THE EAGLE HAS LANDED SO BUCKING HARD IT HURTS!” Pinkie screeched.
Dan immediately pulled his pink haired girlfriend out of the world of amorous tentacles and girls who unexpectedly found themselves with new anatomy. Unfortunately for him, Pinkie brought a little of that world with her as she continued to grasp onto an open publication.
“GRAH!” Dan made a startled and throaty noise as he slapped the item out of Pinkie’s hand. With a near catatonic expression on her face, Pinkie wrapped her arms around Dan’s torso and buried her head in his chest.
Dan sighed, face palmed with his throbbing left hand, then sighed again. “Great, goofball, I just rubbed our salvia in my eyes. Now that’s two reasons I need to bleach them clean. Thanks for getting it on my shirt, too, by-the-by.”
“I…have…seen…things…I…can’t…unsee…” Pinkie murmured in response as she began trembling.
Dan scrunched his face to the side and wrapped his arms around Pinkie, wiping the collection of salvia off his hand and onto her shirt as he did so. “There, there, moron. You stared into the abyss and the abyss was full of feisty tentacles apparently. Now that you’ve mental scared the both of us, can we please go!?”
“…I’ll never be able to eat squid again…” Pinkie continued to mumble.
“What about octopus?” Dan suggested.
Pinkie cringed in his arms…
“…Cuttlefish?”
Pinkie looked up at Dan, arms still wrapped tightly around him. “That’s sick! Who would want to eat fish that swims around hugging things?!”
“Not ‘cuddle’ fish, ‘cuttle’ fish, ignoramus.” Dan explained.
“Oh…” Pinkie replied. “Uh, I don’t know…what’s it looked like?”
Dan reached into his pocket, pulled out his smart phone, pressed the screen a few times, and then turned it to face Pinkie.
“Eek! Tentacles!” Pinkie cried, diving away from Dan and the device…
…and back into the ‘Adults Only’ section.
“EEEEEEEEEK! MORE TENTACLES!”
Dan watched with a sort of disconnected amusement as Pinkie dove out of the curtained off section and fell to her hands and knees, perfectly positioning her face over the still open publication he had knocked out of her hands just moments before.
“OH CELESTIA! IT’S HAUNTING ME!” Pinkie declared sprinting out of the anime section at full speed…
…and colliding directly into a display stand full of Cthulhu themed plushies and games.
“WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!” Pinkie shrieked as she bolted out of the plushie pile of elder god proboscises into some far off corner of the comic book store.
Dan shook his head. “You’re right, Pinkie. You are hilarious.”
**
After several minutes of hysterical sobbing, followed by purchasing their items, the couple enjoyed a quiet car ride home.
Dan stared out into the road as he drove on.
Pinkie stared blankly out the passenger window, deciding to break the silence.
“Dan? What’s ‘ya-oy’?”
“…What? How the heck would I know! That’s not even a word.”
Pinkie pursed her lips and thought. “Maybe I’m not pronouncing it right… Y-A-O-I.” She spelled out.
“Okay, now you have to be making stuff up! That’s practically all vowels!”
Pinkie knitted her brow. “I’m not making it up!” She insisted. “It was in that horrendible adults only section!”
“Why are you even asking if it came from that unholy place?!” Dan roared out. “You’re like a cat with ADD!” Dan said, quickly motioning out to Pinkie with a hand.
Pinkie pouted. “I just noticed a distinct lack of tentacles from around that area…”
Pinkie went silent again, then added. “Well, maybe you know what ‘Guro’ means…”
Dan thought for a second. “Wait, I think I know this one… Isn’t Goro that big guy from the Mortal Kombat games with two sets of arms?”
“Hmmmm…” Pinkie thought about this. “Why would he get his own section in the ‘adults only’ section?
It was Dan’s turn to think about this. “Huh…Maybe there’s a group of deranged fetishists who are really into arms?” He suggested.
“Oooo! Oooo! And when that’s not enough, these people turn to tentacles!”
“Uh…sure?” Dan answered with a shrug. “Look, I’m not really an expert here, why don’t you just snoop around the internet when we get home?”
Pinkie shuttered. “Uhhh…that sounds like a traumatizing idea.”
“Maybe you can wear protective gear?” Dan suggested. “Like protective eyewear…Oh! I can let you borrow my Ren Fair armor.”
“Well…I do like to dress up…”
**
Pinkie sat in front of her laptop on the easy chair, now wearing a steel helmet complete with downed face guard and red plume, and metal gauntlets over her hands.
Dan sat on the couch, his feet resting on the coffee table in front of it, Mr. Mumbles curled up on his lap, and a large pile of comics and graphic novels sitting next to him as he silently flipped through the pages of the one he was holding.
“Let’s see…” Pinkie muttered. “G-U-R-O, enter! Hmmm…” Pinkie looked over the web results quizzically. “Huh, that’s not a lot of help…” She muttered.
She attempted to push the ‘Images’ button on the screen, but found it was unresponsive to her metal covered fingers. The touchpad was similarly unresponsive.
She sighed as she removed her helmet, causing a cascade of pink curls to fall back into place and revealing a set of goggles strapped to her forehead. She reached up to the goggles and pulled them over her eyes, leaned her face forward, and lightly tapped the ‘Images’ button on the screen with her nose.
“…”
“..?”
“..!”
“?!?”
“!!!”
“THE GOGGLES! THEY DO NOTHING!” Pinkie screamed as she frantically closed the lid to her computer.
Dan glanced over the top of the comic he was reading. “Could you keep the tortured wails down? I’m trying to read!”
Pinkie wrapped her arms and gauntlet covered hands around herself. “So…much…blood…and guts…and dismemberment…”
Dan paused. “Sounds like a good time to me!”
Pinkie shot Dan a glare full of laser beams, grabbed her computer, faced it towards Dan, and opened the lid.
“GHHGK!” Dan choked out as he buried his face in the comic he was reading, crinkling it as he brought it as close to his face as humanly possible.
“MERROW! HISSSSS!” Mr. Mumbles protested as she jumped off of Dan’s lap and scampered into the bedroom.
“WHY DO YOU INSIST ON SHARING THESE THINGS WITH ME!?” Dan screamed out.
“WHY DID YOU SUGGEST I GO TO THE INTERNET TO FIND THESE THINGS OUT?!” Pinkie screamed out, slamming her laptop shut once again.
“It’s not my fault you have the judgment of a cat who thinks a clothes dryer is a comfy place to sleep!”
Mr. Mumbles hissed in protest from the bedroom.
“You’re my boyfriend!” Pinkie reminded. “I thought you were supposed to protect me from these sorts of things!”
“Look! If you need someone to throw you out of the way of a bus, or face down a zombie horde with you, I’m there on a bear! But I’m not going to go around sullying my brain with disturbing filth because you’re too stupid to leave well enough alone!”
Pinkie went silent as her one of her eyes began to twitch and she ground her teeth against each other.
Dan paused, recognizing the telltale signs that Pinkie was about to blow her lid.
“Uh… wait…did I said stupid?” Dan stammered out, backpedaling. “I meant, brainless…er…senseless?”
Pinkie snarled angrily in response.
“Foolish?” Dan suggested, having run out of sugar to coat his statement with.
“GRRRAAH!” Pinkie lunged at Dan with a frustrated growl, reaching out with metal gauntlet encased hands.
*Several minutes of close quarter hand-to-hand combat later…*
“Whoa…huff…puff…déjà vu.” Dan uttered as he took large, breathy gasps of air.
“Dan?” Pinkie asked from under her boyfriend’s body, a gauntlet raised up to his face. “How did we end up like this?”
“Uhhh…I called you stupid and you attacked at me.” Dan reminded as he pinned one of Pinkie’s arms down with his hand and held himself up off the ground with the other.
Pinkie giggled. “Oh yeah…hehe…I kinda forgot I was supposed to be mad at you…” Pinkie said, trailing off at the end. She leaned her head back and looked around the apartment floor, observing the clothing that was now strewn about.
Dan grinned. “Maybe I should start making you mad at me more often! That was way better than a thumb in the eye.”
“And less painful than a knee in the sternum!” Pinkie added, matching Dan’s grin. She knitted her eyebrows slightly. “Still, we need to figure something out that doesn’t involve fire or violence.” She commented, squirming her hand out of Dan’s grasp and pulling her ‘PARTY HARD’ shirt back down over her chest. She rotated her body and reached for a pair of pink, frilly boy-shorts that were lying in a heap on the floor.
“Ahhh, but fire and violence is like ninety-five percent of what I got!” Dan protested as he reached out for his boxers.
Somewhat dressed, Pinkie stood up and walked towards the bathroom. “…I think I’ll have a shower…” She said, tapping a metal clad index finger to her chin.
“Uh, sure…I guess I can just go back to read…”
Pinkie turned her head back and flashed Dan a smirk and narrowed, bedroom eyes. “Coming?” She asked.
Dan stood up and grinned a toothy, mischievous smile. “I thought I already…”
‘CLANG!’
“OW!”
A metal gauntlet clattered to the ground fresh from its short flight into Dan’s face.
Dan rubbed his eye painfully. “Coming…” He replied weekly, following the still smirking Pinkie Pie into the bathroom.
*One extra-long, steamy shower later…*
Dan had regained his seat on the couch, this time, his stack of comics and graphic novels sat on the coffee table in front of him while Pinkie rested her head against him, having changed into a pink shirt with her cutie mark on the chest and long, white and pink striped sleeves; matching leggings; and a short, pink skirt.
“Hey, Dan?” Pinkie craned her neck back so that she was now looking up at her boyfriend with large, sky-blue eyes.
“Hmmm?” Dan replied simply, continuing to read what was in front of him.
“I’m still not sure what ‘ya-oy’ is…”
Dan knitted his brow and turned to look at Pinkie. “Geez, hasn’t this experience taught you anything!?”
Pinkie pondered this, rubbing her thumb and forefinger against her chin, “Well…I’m certainly not going to look up any words I see in an ‘Adults Only’ section on the internet.”
“Seriously, if you want irreparable brain damage, you can stick your head in the apartment doorway and I can slam it shut on you a few times…” Dan suggested.
“Uhhh…” Pinkie flashed Dan a pensive smile. “I think I get enough blunt force forehead trauma in my day to day life…” Pinkie paused, then her face lit up. “Oooo! Oooo! You said Elise is really into this weird Japanesese stuff, right?!”
“Well…She made Chris sit through some strange stuff, I don’t know if she could answer your questions…but she’d definitely, maybe, probably treat you better than the cold, unfeeling, internet…”
Pinkie leaned up, hopped to her feet, and dashed off to fetch her phone. “I’m going to give her a call.”
Dan merely shrugged. “Good luck.” He offered. “…You’re going to need it…” He muttered to himself.
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I tried to warn you pinkie... I tried.
Pinkie. Stop looking these things up. It's only going to traumatize you until you eventually forget about them....and then make you
when you unfortunately remember.
This sums up my expectations
Pinkie, do what I did. Blow you sanity and conscience to tiny pieces and the burn them. THEN THE FUN SHALL BE DOUBLED!!!
50 bits says Pinkie ends up enjoying Yaoi.
Yay! No grammer or spelling mistakes noticed
...
...
Oh, and err, good chapter as well
Nice Homestuck reference. I'm sure Hussie would... destroy all of your hopes and dreams and force you to want more.
Like a Huss.
As to the content... It could still be worse. I won't elaborate, if you've seen that stuff, you already know.
Also:
I can just picture him trying to get Chris in touch with his Canadian roots so he'll transform in a crisis.
Should that glorious day come to pass, this is what we expect to see:
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Bear_3a5a48_226587.jpg
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2011/118/1/8/bear_cavalry_by_artshardz-d3f4gj4.jpg
images.gameskinny.com/gameskinny/resized_7855098edbde104562332d874836751d.jpg
3.bp.blogspot.com/-2wgb4J2-0y0/UTw0Pg9UHFI/AAAAAAAAB2U/sggd2YLgulI/s640/Canadian+Polar+Bear+Cavalry+(6).jpg
Also, that last one was possibly the most Canadian thing to ever be awesome.
So what hentai are we dealing with? Bible Black? Mezzo Forte? Angel Blade? C'mon, give me something to work with...
I foresee this coming up.
And Cthulhu plushies? Man I am so into Lovecraftian horror! Where I get dis thing?
Ha guro! I remember my first time with that. Oh anime, why u so weird and lovable?
So i also didn't know what Guro was..... lost 40 mins of my life watching puppy videos to take my mind off what i saw. (I have nobody to blame but myself)
Let this be a lesson to you Pinkie, the Internet is a cold unforgiving place that is cruel and beautiful.
It'll lure you in with videos of cats on pianos and playing bagpipes, then next thing you know: WHAM! Amputee porn.
It is the mankind's greatest technical feat, a way to share mankind's collective cognitive wealth from the whole world to the whole world.
It should be noted however, that mankind is pretty f**ked up too.
*face-palm* is it bad that it took me until after the line where she said so much blood and dismemberment that I realized 'guro' is 'gore'?
It seems a bit odd that Pinkie has no problem sleeping with a bipedal alien that has fingers and toes, but goes crazy at the sight of tentacle porn.
4474617
She had a lot of time being the former and getting used to said bipedal alien. The latter, not so much.
Is that a reference to Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This?
4569837
This one was a somewhat old Simpson's reference. It's a pretty popular scene, so it's probably been references elsewhere.
MY EYES! I went on to Google and did what Pinkie did!!! I NEED 20 POUNDS OF BLEACH AND A FLAMETHROWER!!
4588726 It's not really that bad. Disgusting and ugly, but not scarring.
Believe me, I tired
Now that you’ve mental scared the both of us
1. Tried.
2. Mentally.
Should I welcome Pinkie to the internet with some milk and cookies? Or should I just direct her to the weird side of the internet (which funnily enough, is mostly occupied by Japanese antics)?
4588726 can bleach be measured in pounds or would it be gallons? or ounces?
I laughed so fucking hard.
4684274 Technically it can be measured in pounds.
I looked up Guro. It's actually tamer than my usual Google Images searches.
I am a horrible person, aren't it?
5074396 nah you should see my search history... Actually just looking the first thing on the list is "baby guts smoothie" I sh*t you not
5111121
ummmmm...
5111121
Amateurs.
4588726 come on that's nothing
. i have seen far worse without even responding, i mean really a still image is nothing.
I bet Dan would like the Berserk manga.
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/berserk/images/8/8c/Berserker_Armour_Version_2.png/revision/latest?cb=20120517182924
Was that a RvB reference I saw there?
A thumb to the eye and a kick to the sternum.
Meh probably not.
4588726 I'm surprised she didn't find futanari.
*evil smile*
I looked up 'guro' when it was first mentioned.
Turns out I did the same thing as Pinkie.
Same fyaying reaction too.
scarred
What an irresistible title with such an inevitable outcome. Also, I fully agree that guro is super gross and has no business existing.
Couple of spelling errors (such as an incorrect use of 'weekly') but what sticks out is that Cthulu is not an elder god. He is merely the priest allowed the closest to their truth. He is man and we in turn become ants, all at the mercy of the Deep Ones.
"Unless we aren't in Canada. Then I'm there on an idiot while holding a doughnut on a string hanging from a stick to make him go forward."
Though, I do have one question. Pinkie just got Becky's number, and she works at the store she saw the words at. Why didn't she call her and ask?
Did Pinkie find a computer in there that was open to 4-Chan?
4569837
Tried.
Tried.
Hahaha!I can see Pinks wearing the armor and it was glorious! Adorkably glorious!