Part 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity: Chapter 49 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Romance
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 7.5 Pinkie Vs. Virginity
Chapter 49 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Romance
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Music towards the end of the chapter. Version with lyrics can be found here.
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“So, we have our checklist, extra quills, extra ink, my required reading material, my backup reading material if I run out of required reading material…”
“Twilight?” Spike called, trying to get the purple alicorns attention.
“…my backup, backup reading material, uhh…extra parchment…”
“Twilight!”
“Uh, yes Spike? Oh! How’s my mane look? Is my fur okay?”
“That wasn’t...”
“Oh! My wings!” Twilight extended them out and tried to examine the ends. “Are they properly plucked? How are my hooves? I can get them polished in Canterlot if…”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Huh?” With a purple glow Twilight brought the long checklist in front of her face and glanced through the entire length. “Everything has been checked, double checked, and triple checked…we can do a quick quadruple…”
“Twilight?”
Twilight paused and looked at the baby dragon.
“The mirror?” Spike reminded motioning to the large, oval, ornate, wooden framed mirror sitting in the corner of the library, still surrounded by various charts. The high pitched tone and large bold letters that read “PLEASE STAND BY” were still visible.
“Oh, shoot!” Twilight exclaimed. “I need to write a message for Pinkie and put Owlowiscious on mirror watching duty! But he’s asleep and the train leaves soon…”
‘Tap, tap, tap…’
“Hello?” Pinkie’s voice called out. “Is…is this thing on?”
Pinkie watched as a purple glow washed over the surface of the mirror, replacing the message and proud looking buffalo in a head dress with Twilight Sparkle standing in front of a series of bar, line, and pie charts.
“Hiya, Twilight!” Pinkie called cheerfully.
“Uh…Hi, Pinkie!” Twilight responded, quickly putting on a smile a little toothier and larger than usual for greeting her pink pony turned human friend.
Pinkie squinted her eyes as they darted over the various charts behind Twilight. “What’s…PSR stand for?” She asked.
Twilight’s face flushed as the charts around her began to glow with a purple light before quickly being lower onto their fronts on the ground.
“Nothing!” Twilight squeaked out.
Pinkie’s large, sky-blue eyes merely blinked in reply.
Twilight brought a hoof up to her mouth and cleared her throat. “SO! Uh…something I can help you with?”
Pinkie sheepishly rubbed the back of her head. “Actually…I need to talk to Rarity…”
“OH!” Twilight’s face lit up. “Of course!” In a purple flash the brightly lit wooden shelves and books of the library where replaced by dresses on metal racks, and dark pink curtains with a light pink trim along the walls, only lit by the light that emanated out of the mirror.
“Oooo! Nifty-rifty!” Pinkie declared looking at the sudden shift in scenery.
“Rarity!” Twilight called. “Are you around?”
A door tentatively opened. “Twilight, dear? Are you in here?” Rarity poked her head into the room, and peered over her red framed reading glasses. An azure glow appeared around a thin metal chain in the center of the room pulling it down. The room quickly brightened as a bare light bulb dangling from the ceiling turned on.
“Hi, Rarity!”
Rarity trotted in, a yellow tape measure draped around her shoulders. “Twilight dear, whatever are you doing …”
“Hiya, Rarity!”
The white unicorn looked towards the smiling pink haired human woman framed by the ornately carved wooden mirror frame. “Oh! Pinkie Pie!” Rarity threw a smile and a set of narrowed eyes at Twilight. “Twilight, darling, you really should let me know before you pop into my storage room like this.”
“Oh! I’m so sorry Rarity!” Twilight began. “I’m just in a bit of a hurry with some official Canterlot business and forgot completely about the mirror…” Twilight glanced quickly at Pinkie. “Sorry about that.”
Pinkie waved a hand about dismissively. “Oh, it’s alright Twilight…”
Twilight turned back to Rarity. “Anyhow! Pinkie needed to talk to you, and Owlowiscious is asleep, and Spike and I really should be going before the next train leaves and completely throws off my schedule, and did I mention how official my visit is?”
“Twilight, sweetie, it’s alright.” Rarity assured with a smile, resting a white forehoof on the purple alicorn’s shoulder. Rarity lowered her glasses and gave Twilight a sly, knowing grin. “This official visit wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain orange pegasus, now would it?” She asked, fluttering her eyelashes playfully at Twilight.
Twilight giggled nervously as Pinkie tittered from the mirror.
Rarity motioned her forehooves out towards the door. “Shoo-shoo, dearie. You have a train to catch.”
Twilight beamed. “Thanks Rarity! Oh! Do you mind keeping the mirror for a day…or two…or three?”
“Uh, of course not, darling.”
Twilight turned to Pinkie with a pensive grin, twitching ears, and pleading eyes. “That’s okay with you, right, Pinkie?”
“Absolutely positively yeseressy!” Pinkie replied cheerfully as she nodded vigorously, causing her long, curly mop of hair to bounce up and down.
“Great! Be sure to move it into a room that gets sunlight and moonlight before too long! See you two in a day…or two…or three!” Twilight said, happily trotting out the door.
Rarity and Pinkie exchanged smiles and shrugs and began giggling to themselves.
“So, Pinkie. I understand you needed to talk to me?” Rarity said, focusing attentive eyes through the mirror.
“Talk…right…” Pinkie responded as she started to blush and her body began to tense up… “Uh…well…the thing is…erm…”
Rarity’s smile dropped as concern began to take over her face. “Why, dearie, whatever is the matter?”
“Oh, nothing’s wrong! It’s just…Dan and I…”
“Uh-huh…”
“Well, I’d kinda like to take our relationship to the next level, ifyouknowwhatImean…”
Rarity grinned giddily as her ears perked up, “Uh-huuuuh…”
If Pinkie noticed the strange, over enthusiastic reaction to her statement, she made no noticeably sign and continued. “And, honestly? I’m a little at a loss as to what to do next.”
Rarity continued to smile as she nodded. “Uh-huh.”
“So! I thought you could…AH…” Pinkie quickly put her hands up defensively and waved them about in front of her. “…Not that I think you’re er…super experienced or …uh…you know…”
Rarity giggled, daintily raising a hoof in front of her mouth as she did. “Uh-huh.”
“But…I just thought you’d be the best pony to help me out here!” Pinkie explained, her face now a luminescent shade of red as she stared down at the edge of her dress and fidgeted with the hem.
“Well, Pinkie, you certainly came to the right mare!” Rarity responded enthusiastically.
Pinkie released the hem of her dress and her body relaxed as she breathed a sigh of relief.
Rarity extended a forehoof out to her pink haired friend. “What you need is something that draws attention to you.” Rarity looked up to her eyelashes as she lowered them and squinted slightly. “Hmmm…humans don’t really wear fashionable saddles, do they?”
Pinkie giggled. “Well, no…though I’m sure that would get my intentions across.”
“Come again?” Rarity asked, blinking a few times.
Pinkie waved a hand about dismissively. “Never mind.”
“Is there…is there any outfit in particular Dan seems to notice you more in?”
Pinkie shook her head. “Not really…though, it’s more when I’m not wearing much of anything that he seems to take the most notice…”
Rarity raised an eyelash into the air. “Oh? How strange…”
Pinkie shrugged. “Humans wear clothes all the time, everything is backwards here…”
“I see…” Rarity uttered as she pondered this information, rubbing a hoof under her chin. “Well…this goes against my principles, but have you tried not wearing clothes.”
Pinkie blushed again, but giggled at the same time. “That would also get my intentions across…but it seems a little too…erm…easy-peasy? I guess what I really want to do is show Dan I put some effort into this…it’s uh…erm…it’s sorta my first time…” Pinkie admitted weakly.
Rarity gave Pinkie a comforting smile from the other side of the mirror. “That’s nothing to be ashamed of, darling. It’s very sweet that you want this to be special.” Rarity sighed. “I just wish I know what humans find attractive…”
“Oooo! Oooo! I know! I’ll get my computer and we’ll ask the internet! It has all kinds of answers!” Pinkie responded, rising exited fists to face level. “Even answers to things I wish I’d never asked…” She added, her eyes glazing over slightly. “I’ll go get it!” She announced, the past horrors of digging too deeply into the bowels of the internet quickly washed away in the inviting tide of the task at hand.
In a pink flash, Pinkie was gone and back with her computer, positioning it on the edge of the bed so Rarity can see as Pinkie kneeled on her knees to the side of the device.
Pinkie and Rarity spent a few minutes quickly going over human women fashion, especially intimate apparel. Soon, the two were staring at a collection of lingerie clad models that filled the screen.
“Hmmm, I see…” Rarity said in a ponderous tone. “Female human fashion seems to be about drawing attention to certain parts of the body.” Rarity turned to Pinkie. “Uh, Pinkie, sweetie? Could you be a dear and turn around for me?”
Pinkie obediently swiveled on her feet and faced Rarity, setting her hands together in her lap , her arms at her sides.
Rarity glanced up and down Pinkie’s body, her eyes lingering slightly on Pinkie’s exposed cleavage. “Ah, well, you’ll have no trouble there, I see…”
Pinkie beamed. “Thanky-lanky, Rarity!”
“Now, we just need to figure out a style or something…” Rarity suggested.
“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie eagerly grabbed the laptop off the bed and brought it closer to the mirror, pointing to one of the outfits on a model on screen. “How about this one, it lights up!” Pinkie suggested, pointing to a pink brassiere with lit, pink LED lights on each cup that where in the shape of a heart.
“Ah, dearie? You’re probably going to be sweating quite a bit…do you really want to wear something you’re afraid might electrocute you?”
Pinkie pursed her lips as she thought about this. “Good point…okay, then how about…”
“No balloons.” Rarity interrupting, predicting Pinkie’s train of thought.
“Erm, then how about…”
“No streamers.”
“Gah, fine…then…”
“No candy, cotton candy, or anything with baked goods on it.” Rarity listed off.
Pinkie gave an exasperated sigh. “Well, I’m out of ideas.”
Rarity chuckled.
The two friends paused as a knock was heard from the apartment door.
“Oh, sorry Rarity! Gotta go! I’m sure I can figure something out…” Pinkie said as she stood to her feet, and quickly bounded forward a few feet to rummaged in her closet for her blue jacket.
“Pinkie, darling?”
Pinkie poked her head back into view of the mirror. “Yes, Rarity?”
Rarity smiled. “Just pick something that’s ‘you’, I’m sure that will please Dan very much.”
Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Thanks Rarity! I will!”
*
“Hiya, Elise!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she opened the apartment door.
“Hey, Pinkie.” Elise responded.
Pinkie bounded out on two pair of pink, cutie mark adorned flats, and into the warm, Southern California day, closing the door behind her.
“You figure out what you needed?” Elise asked.
“I sure did!” Pinkie responded with a smile.
The two girls made their way across the apartment walkway, down the stairs, and over to the blue sedan.
“Where to?” Elise asked as she sat in the driver’s seat.
“The mall!” Pinkie answered as she sat in the passenger’s seat. “I’m pretty sure I only need one thing, so nobody should start rioting or burning down the place…”
Elise chuckled as she started the car.
“Uh…Elise…are you comfortable erm…helping my pick out some lingerie?”
Elise turned to Pinkie and smiled. “Sure, Pinkie. Sounds fun.”
Pinkie rubbed the back of her head and gave a small smile. “It does sound like fun, doesn’t it?”
Elise turned back to the road, her smile staying place. “Trying to get the attention of a certain someone, huh?”
Pinkie giggled. “Getting his attention isn’t the problem…I guess I just want tonight to be special.”
“Don’t worry. I’m sure it will be.” Elise assured.
*
Dan angrily leaned on the horn as his red hatchback that sat in front of Chris’s and Elise’s light beige, red roofed home.
“Come on!” He shouted out of the rolled-down window. “I haven’t got all day!”
The front door opened and Chris trudged with a mildly irritated expression on his face, he closed the door behind him and walked towards the car, opening up the passenger side door and sitting down. “Nice to see you, too, Dan.”
“Drop the attitude, buster! This is a matter of life or death!” Dan declared.
Chris raised an eyebrow, though his expression didn’t change otherwise. “Really?”
“Yes!” Dan insisted, pulling out into the street. “The life or death of my relationship with Pinkie hinges on tonight!” He declared dramatically.
“Dan, you told the girl everything about you and against all odds, she elected to stay with you and even start a relationship. I’m sure your relationship doesn’t hinge on tonight!”
“Okay, okay! So I exaggerated a little…”
“A little?”
“I will hit you. You know I will.”
Chris put his hands up defensively. “Alright, so what’s the big plan?”
“I…have no plan.” Dan admitted in a deadpan tone.
“Wait…seriously? Not even a random list of hard to find items in absence of any actual framework?”
Dan sighed. “No…I need something to sweep Pinkie off her feet…and I’m drawing a blank here.”
“Uh? Romantic night out?” Chris suggested.
“Geez, you must think I’m as stupid as you look! I thought about that before when I was trying to make her fall in love with me.”
“Okay, aaand?”
“I dismissed it under the grounds that either we’d somehow catch whatever restaurant we were eating at on fire…or something weird would happen that we’d have to deal with.”
“That uh…that’s actually a really good point!”
“See! I told you I’d already thought about it and therefore you were a moron.”
“That’s…not quite what you said.” Chris pointed at as he clasped his hands together with extended index fingers, nodding them at Dan.
“Why do you have to be so pedantic?! It was close enough.” Dan insisted.
Chris merely rolled his eyes. “Fine…romantic night in.”
“THAT’S AN EVEN WORSE…” Dan paused his yelling and glanced to the car ceiling to think this. “No wait, actually it isn’t…in fact…I might even have to classify it as ‘not abysmal’.” Dan responded. “Er…sorry about the screaming, force of habit.”
Chris paused, surprised that Dan would apologize to him for…well, pretty much anything. “Uh, no worries, buddy. I’m used to it…”
“Trouble is, I don’t know what a ‘romantic night in’ looks like…”
“Not a lot of experience with girls, huh?”
Dan decided to forego his standard response of insisting the ladies loved him in favor of grumbling angry incomprehensibles.
“Hey, Dan, if you don’t mind me asking, are you a virgi…”
“Chris!” Dan interrupted. “There are some questions, that, as my best friend, you are allowed to ask. And there are others that will get you thrown out of moving vehicles.”
“But…you’re driving.” Chris pointed out.
“Do you think it would matter to me even if you were driving?” Dan retorted.
“Uh, no…no I don’t.”
“Good! Now stop asking stupid questions that don’t matter and start helping me figure out something that will set fire to Pinkie’s insecurities.”
“Uh…”
“Not literally, you numb skull!”
“Right…I knew that…” Chris quietly sighed to himself and mumbled, “So you can have one more reason to not hang out with me…” under his breath.
Dan paused. “Chris, what did you say?” Dan asked, cocking an eyebrow at best friend in the seat next to him.
“Uh! I said… ‘So you can have more reasons to…go and purchase cheese…’.”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “Chris, I’ll give you points for changing it to being about food, and therefore, bumping up the plausibility here, but that’s not what you said!”
“Er…”
Dan’s narrow eyes suddenly flew open. “Chris, are you jealous of Pinkie?!”
“No! No! No…” Chris insisted, waving his hands out in front of him defensively, then adding, “Uh…yeah, a little actually…” quietly.
Dan paused and looked back towards the road. “Do you…want to talk about it?”
“You…You, Dan…you want to talk about my feelings?!” Chris responded throwing out his hands in surprise. “The devil must be snowmobiling in Hell.” Chris responded in a sarcastic tone.
“Don’t get crabby with me, bucko!” Dan said forcefully as he looked at Chris and wagged an equally forceful finger at him. “I’m actually giving all this feelings garbage a chance. Don’t make me regret it.”
Chris sighed. “Sorry Dan, it’s just…we never go out just you and me anymore…”
“Chris, I know you’re hopelessly stupid, but we’re out just you and me, right now!” Dan pointed out.
“Sure! Just on a quick run to help you figure something else out with Pinkie! You never just drag me out to watch a movie marathon I don’t want to watch, or rope me into a scheme I don’t want any part of! Not unless you’ve already gotten Pinkie involved…”Chris’s eye’s widened. “Wow…that sounded a lot more pathetic out loud than it did in my head…”
“…I had no idea you felt this way, buddy.” Dan replied.
Chris looked back at Dan with mild surprise.
Wait, is he actually giving this some thought?!
Dan went quiet for a second as a thoughtful look took over his features. “Hey! We still have Bingo~!” He sang out.
“Well…that’s something…”
“Ahh, come on buddy! Tell you what! Let’s go on a quick vengeance run! Just you and me!”
Chris’s face lit up. “Really?”
Dan nodded. “Really. Now take the wheel.”
“GAH!” Chris uttered in surprise as Dan let go of the steering wheel and dug into his pocket.
Chris quickly reached over towards the wheel and kept the car in the lane as Dan pulled out a notepad and flipping through the pages full of things written in black ink, pencil, and pink glitter pen, the vast majority having been crossed out.
“Uhhh…People’s Republic of China?” Dan said looking over a page.
“AGHCK!” Chris exclaimed pulling the wheel hard to the right, as an SUV heading the opposite direction honked angrily and passed by. “Too big and far away!”
“Hmmm…” Dan flipped through more pages. “Dwarf hamsters?”
“DAN! BRAKES!” Chris yelled in a panicked tone.
Without looking up, Dan took his foot off the accelerator and slammed the brake, causing Chris to hit his head on the dashboard. The red hatchback screeched to a halt, inches behind a large, tanker truck; the silver back of which prominently displaying a red, diamond shaped sign with the image of flames on it a.
Chris rubbed his forehead. “Uh…too…small?” He suggested, mostly because the thought of harming tiny hamsters seemed a bit cruel, even for Dan.
Dan flipped through a few more pages. “LA Weekly?”
Chris paused.
<****>
Chris yawned lazily as he laid sprawled out on the couch, enjoying the warmth of his blue, footy pajamas and the blue blanket covering him on the blue couch. He looked very much like he was trying to merge with the piece of furniture aside from occasionally reaching into one of many bowls of snack food on the coffee table in front of him.
He looked away from the warm, inviting glow of the television towards one of the large, multi-paned windows at the front of the house, examining the drizzling rain outside.
Wow, weird, it’s really coming down.
Alright, if Dan doesn’t call, I should be able to stay right here for the day…heck, a few hours and I’m sure it’ll be blue skies again. Man, I love living in Southern California.
“Chris?”
Chris cringed.
Uh oh, that’s Elise’s ‘I need you to do something tone’. Well…maybe it doesn’t require leaving the house…
“Ye…yes honey? What is it?” Chris asked from his cozy next on the couch.
“The LA Weekly is sitting outside in the driveway, could you go outside and pick it up before it gets all soggy?” Elise asked. “I would, but I need to keep this area dry.”
Chris sighed and stood up, blanket still wrapped around his body. He peered into the kitchen to see his wife sitting at the table wearing googles and holding a soldering iron in front of something that resembled a flat, open, computer tower box complete with circuit boards.
“Sure, honey.” He responded simply.
“Thanks, dear.” Elise replied, not looking up from the work in front of her.
Chris glanced back outside and weighed his options.
Changing my clothes would undermine my maximum comfort goals for the day.
Chris reached up his hands that were still clutching the blue blanket and examined it.
Hmmm, maybe I can quickly run out there and shield myself with this. I’d have to ditch the blanket while it dries, but at least I could avoid changing out of my PJs.
Chris wordless nodded in approval to his plan as he stepped towards the door and opened it. He dashed outside as the rain moistened the blanket. As he cut across the lawn, he slipped with a startled yelp, hitting the soft, waterlogged ground face first, his blanket constricted hands and arms unable to fling out in time to stop his descent.
Chris grumbled to himself.
Great, now I’m soaked anyways!
He slowly rose to his feet and trudged over to the newspaper on the driveway. He bent down, picked up the paper, turned to the house as a tiny tidal wave of water drenched him further and soaked the newspaper.
Chris angrily glared at a white car that had ‘LA WEEKLY’ stenciled on the side in red paint, no doubt off to distribute more free papers to become soggy masses of wet garbage on people’s driveways and walkways.
Chris dropped to his knees, balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the rainy heavens.
“LA WEEEEEEEEKLYEEEEEEE!”
Chris Vs.
LA Weekly
>****<
“HEY! Monkey face! You’re making a scene!”
Chris snapped to as he refocused his vision on two large wrapped burgers, a giant box of fries, and a large milkshake in front of him. He then looked around at the restaurant patrons that were staring back at him with confused glances from their own booths and seats. He unballed his fists and lowered his hands as he stared with a confused expression at the short, irate man in front of him.
“Uh…weren’t we just driving a few seconds go?”
“More like ten minutes ago! You went all space case on me and I had to retake the wheel!” Dan said, angrily taking a bite out of his hamburger. “Fiwt fwas vwery dangwerfous!” Dan added angrily, spitting food particles out of his mouth at Chris as he talked. Dan swallowed “I figured some food would get you to snap out of whatever stupid stupor you were in.”
“Oh…” Chris uttered sheepishly. His face lit up as he reexamined the pile of food in front of him. “Wow Dan! You remembered my regular. Thank you!”
Dan smiled wryly and placed a brown wallet on the table, sliding it towards Chris. “And thank you for lunch.”
Chris sighed, grabbing the wallet and opening it to examine the contents. “Uh…thanks for not taking any more than what the meal cost.” He said, meekly taking the wallet and putting it back in his pocket.
Dan shrugged. “You make less than me, stealing more than what I want from you simply doesn’t have the appeal it once did.”
Chris grimaced slightly. “Thanks for reminding me.”
“Oh, don’t be such a baby. It’s not like I enjoy screaming at morons all day and waking up before the sun is even out to bake with Pinkie…you know…except for the screaming, baking, and Pinkie parts…”
Chris cocked an eyebrow as he unwrapped a burger. “You enjoy baking?”
“I’m allowed to take pride in creating something!” Dan insisted forcefully. Dan took a quick calming breath. “So, sounds like revenge on LA Weekly is a go. We just need a plan of attack.”
Chris took a chomp out of his burger. “I fwink I cawn helf therwe…”
“Hey! Don’t talk with your mouth full, idiot! It’s very rude!”
“Sworrwy…”
***
Pinkie scoured through the racks and displays of braziers, panties, negligees, nightgowns, stockings, tops, and all sort of items of various styles and colors. Her brow was tightly knit as her pupils darted over every piece of clothing in front and around her.
Elise glanced up from pawing through a rack of lingerie to look at Pinkie. “Doing alright?” She asked.
Pinkie sighed and puffed a gust of air up at a few curly strands of pink hair that had fallen into her face. “It’s a bit…overwhelming.” Pinkie said. “Elise? What do you think something that’s ‘me’ would look like?”
“Uh…pink?” Elise suggested.
Wow, really put a lot of thought into that one.
Pinkie inhaled loudly. “Elise, you’re a genius!”
“Right…happy to help…” Elise responded as she sighed in relief internally.
Pinkie happily scanned the store as her eyes started focusing on things that were her favorite color. “Oooo!” She uttered in delight, dashing off, and returning holding a in item dangling off a hanger; a hot pink bustier corset with black lace that zigzagged across the front back and forth between a two lines of black, lacy flowers and a matching pair of hot pink and black panties. “What do you think about this?” She asked.
Elise narrowed her eyes slightly as she examined the garment. “You don’t really wear black, do you?”
Pinkie turned the garment to face her and gave it a discerning look. “No, I guess I don’t.”
“Hey, Pinkie?”
“Yes, Elise?” Pinkie responded, shifting her focus back to Elise.
“Er… What do you think something that’s ‘me’ would look like?” Elise asked.
Pinkie smiled. “Well, maybe something black and red, and cool…” She suggested.
Elise paused. “You think I’m ‘cool’?”
Pinkie nodded vigorously. “You’re like a super smart ninja spy girl! You’re one of the coolest people or even non-people I know!”
Elise smiled sheepishly as a small amount of warmth entered her face. “Thanks, Pinkie.”
“Buuut…” Pinkie continued. “If you want Chris to notice you, you should definitely get this!”
Pinkie quickly produced a bra and pantie set with a pattern of chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla glazed doughnuts on it, holding it in front of her face for Elise to see.
“Wow…erm…” Elise began uncertainly. “That’s really…er…something…”
Pinkie slowly lowered the item revealing mischievous looking eyes quickly followed by a grin to match.
Elise broke into laughter. “Hahahehe…you had me going for a second there.”
“Heheheh, I did, didn’t I!” Pinkie responded.
Elise shook her head as she giggled softly. “Seriously, who would think wearing food is sexy.”
Pinkie’s grin and expression suddenly went nervous. “Uh, I know, right?” Pinkie responded, forcing a giant, toothy smile. “Oooo!”
Once again Pinkie dashed off and quickly returned, holding up a garment on a hanger. This time it was a double frilled, short skirted, hot pink single piece of lingerie with a couple of small pink bows on the hem. “What do you think?” Pinkie asked with a giant grin.
Elise smiled and nodded. “It’s you.”
**
Sunlight flooded into the storage unit as the large, metal orange door was lifted revealing stacks and stacks and stacks of rolled up LA Weekly papers that filled the metal enclosure.
Dan gawked at the piles and piles of papers. “Chris, how long have you been collecting these?!”
Chris shrugged. “Oh, a few years.”
“The paper is only delivered weekly! How did you get so many?!”
“I erm…started taking the neighbor’s copies…and raiding newsstands.”
“So let me get this straight…you’ve been collecting your own copy, as well as stealing from your neighbors, and nabbing piles of this free newspaper just to horde in a storage unit until you could sort out a plan of attack?!”
“Uhhhh…” Chris sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah…”
“Chris, I am so proud of you!” Dan said as he grinned devilishly and swatted Chris’s back.
Chris smiled. “So! I’m thinking we rent a flatbed truck, fill the back of it with a huge piles of these, then we back it really fast towards LA Weekly’s headquarters and slam the breaks, dumping a huge pile of these papers onto their doorstep! Let’s see how they like having a bunch of useless papers to throw away!” Chris wrung his hands together in anticipation.
“Hmmm…” Dan pondered this as he pulled out his phone to check the time. “It’s an oookaaaay plan, I guess…” Dan said, removing his hand and motioning out to the stack of papers. “But do you really think a little mess cleaning is worth the years of torment they’ve inflicted on you?”
Chris thought about this. “Well, they do just go out every week and basically throw garbage for everyone to clean up. I mean, if anyone else just dropped a paper on someone else’s lawn it would be littering and there’d be a giant fine involved,” Chris declared as his cadence slowly turned angry, “but somehow, you stick free on it and you’re, what?! Doing everyone a favor?!” Chris began to motion out erratically with his hands. “Is that the idea?! I should be grateful for your boring news stories and coupons I’m never going to use, EVER!” Chris started yelling. “I SHOULD BE HAPPY THAT I HAVE TO GO OUT EVERY THURSDAY TO PICK UP THIS STUPID PAPER OR ELSE IT JUST SITS ON MY DRIVEWAY AND EVERYONE THINKS I’M LAZY BECAUSE I HAVE THINGS TO DO THAT DON’T INVOLVE WALKING OUTSIDE JUST TO PICK UP SOME USELESS PIECE OF TRASH SOMEONE DECIDED I NEEDED?! HUH?!” Chris huffed and puffed as he tried to catch his breath and his face lightened a bit.
Dan’s lips widened into an evil grin. “Have you ever heard of a t-shirt cannon?”
Chris turned to Dan. “Why, do you have one?”
“We might…” Dan’s smiled dropped. “I’ll need Elise to get Pinkie out of the apartment and keep her out until we get it and do everything else we need to do…Elise still has chloroform, right?”
“Uh…I think Elise already took Pinkie somewhere…” Chris responded.
Dan blinked a few times. “Oh? That’s convenient. Still…we’ll need to keep her away for a bit…” Dan thought about this for a few seconds. “Alright, get your phone.”
**
“Uhhh…” Elise squinted at her phone and reread the text message she was just sent. “Apparently your poisonous viper collection got out of control and now Dan’s buying mongooses and he needs you to steer clear of the apartment for a few hours while the mongooses restore order to the apartment…”
“Wait a minute…” Pinkie said, narrowing her eyes into open space and tapping a pink, nail polished index finger against her chin. “I thought I made that whole viper thing up…” Pinkie’s eye’s widened back to normal and she shrugged. “Maybe I didn’t!” She suggested to herself.
Elise typed a quick response to Chris and put her phone back in her pocket, disregarding Pinkie’s peculiar response due to her being used to such oddball things being uttered by Pinkie at this point. “Wanna grab lunch?” Elise suggested.
Pinkie’s stomached answered for her, Pinkie looked down at it with a pout.
Elise chuckled softly. “That’s a yes.”
“Alright, but I’m buying!” Pinkie insisted. She smiled. “It feels nice to spend money I’ve earned for a change.”
Elise smiled and nodded. “Sure, Pinkie.”
And to think the girl couldn’t work a vending machine a few months ago…
**
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“WHY!”
Chris loaded another rolled-up newspaper into the large black, t-shirt cannon as he sat next to a pile of rolled-up papers stacked high next to him on the backseat of the red hatchback. A similar pile sat in the cargo area, as well as the passenger seat next to Dan.
Dan sat watching the three story tall, wide, white with grey trim, rectangular building with interest as Chris continued launching paper after paper at it. The shrubbery in front was already broken and mangled with now, squashed flat newspapers that had up until recently been rolled into cylindrical shapes. The large, formerly vertical aligned sign in the front that read ‘LA WEEKLY’ was dented almost beyond recognition and now sat laying horizontally on the sidewalk. The large, white numbers that had prominently shown the building’s address now laid in a broken heap on the ground. Chris had begun to work on the square windows which provided little resistance for the compressed air filled cannon shot paper projectiles. Every once in a while, the scream of some unseen hapless newspaper worker could be heard following a shot from the cannon.
‘Thomp’
Another newspaper flew out of the black cannon on a collision course for an unbroken window.
‘Crash’
“Aieeeeee!” A feminine voice screeched out.
“Rachel! Nooooooooooooooooo..!” A man’s voice shouted. “I never got to tell you how I…”
‘Thomp’
‘Thud’
“…”
“Nice shot.” Dan commented, glancing back at Chris.
“Thanks!” Chris said as he reloaded. “Do you think the police will be here anytime soon?” Chris asked, oddly nonchalant about the current situation.
Dan grinned and pointed towards one of the broken windows on the first floor.
“I KEEP TELLING YOU THEY’RE NOT DELIVERING THE PAPERS THAT WAY!” A short, thing, frustrated, bespectacled, balding man screamed into a telephone receiver, motioning out emphatically with his free hand. His white, button up shirt was disheveled, and a red tie hung untied around his shoulders. “No! They ARE technically delivering them, but without permission…NO, IT’S NOT THE SAME, WE DON’T LAUNCH THEM AT WINDOWS! What..? Okay, I’m sorry one of our delivery people broke one of your windows, sir, but they’re shooting at us! NO! WITH NEWSPAPERS! NO! THE NEWSPAPERS AREN’T FIRING BULLETS! ARE YOU GETTING ANY OF THIS?!” The man smacked a palm against his face. “Yes, I’ll hold…”
“Yeah, that has been going on for quite some time.” Dan said chuckling.
Chris grinned uncharacteristically evilly and took aim at another unbroken window.
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“MY FAMILY CIRCUS DAY CALENDAR!” A man bellowed.
Chris and Dan exchanged a quick glance as Chris reloaded and took aim into the same window he had just fired into.
‘Thomp’
“ACK!” Cried the same man.
“Hey, Dan?” Chris asked as he loaded another paper round into the cannon.
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Can you actually kill someone with this thing?” Chris asked, casually.
“Uh…I don’t know, honestly. Pinkie and I never fired anything as solid as rolled up newspaper out of it.”
“Huh, alright.” Chris responded simply, taking aim at yet another window.
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“Ahhhh! I knew that column would come back bite me!” A voiced called out from the building. “I just didn’t think it’d do it with shards of broken glass!”
“Hey, Chris?”
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HIT MY FACE?!” Another scream rang out from the building.
“Yeah, buddy?” Chris responded.
“Uhhh, so about this ‘romantic night in’, idea…” Dan asked.
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“Nooooo! My ‘You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps’ mug!” A woman’s voice called out.
“Oh, it’s easy just make Pinkie’s favorite meal…” Chris stated.
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“My sticky notes! How will I leave my co-workers passive aggressive messages now?!” A nasally voice called.
“Alright, extra spicy meatloaf and steamed broccoli, that’s easy enough.” Dan responded nodding.
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“YES! My computer! Looks like its quittin’ time early for me!” A victorious male voice called out.
“…And setup some candles for mood lighting.” Chris continued.
‘Thomp’
“NO! My vital organs! Looks like it’s a trip to the hospital for me!” A pained male voice called out.
“WHAT?!” Dan exclaimed in protest. “I don’t know how to make a candle!”
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“My photo of my handsome husband and darling children, no!” A woman cried.
“Her photo of her ugly husband and uglier children, yes!” A man responded.
“Dan, you can just go out and buy candles from any store.” Chris explained.
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“Bonsai tree! You lied to me!” A male voice cried angrily.
“Oh…right, I knew that.” Dan responded.
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“GHA!” A pained man’s cry erupted from the now broken window.
“Goodbye ‘World’s best boss’ mug, and world’s worst boss.” A bored woman’s voice exclaimed.
“Wow…” Dan commented. “This seems like a really horrible place to work at.”
“So it was YOU who kept on leaving all the passive aggressive notes on my desk!” The same voice who was previously angry at his now smashed tree declared crossly.
‘Thomp’
“AHCK!”
“Thank you, newspaper fairy!” The nasally voice called out.
“You know, even before you started firing newspapers out a dangerous speeds at it…” Dan added.
‘Thomp’
“AHHHH! CURSE YOU, NEWSPAPER FAIRY!” The nasally voice cried out.
“You’d think they’d at least try to evacuate the building at some point…” Dan muttered.
“Don’t move everyone! Newspapers can sense movement.” A deep, masculine voice assured.
‘Thomp’
‘Crash’
“Eeeeek!” Screeched a woman.
“I WAS WRONG, THE NEWSPAPERS CAN SEE US!” The deep voice shouted in a panic. “HIDE!” He added.
**
Dan and Chris strained to carry their arm loads of full, brown grocery bags as they trudged up the stairs, grunting with each step.
“Dan, I…think…huff…you over…puff…did it.” Chris said.
“Shut…huff...up! You were…puff…the one who…gasp…went crazy…grunt…on that building…” Dan responded.
The two made their way across the walkway and deposited their pile of bags next to the already quite large pile of brown bags in apartment 8.
Chris and Dan breathed out loudly and wiped sweat from their brows with the backs of their arms and hands.
“I just want Pinkie to know I put a lot of effort into this…” Dan stated.
Chris looked at the bags and bags of candles. “I think she’ll get the idea…” Chris stated. He shook his head. “Just make sure you two put these out before you forget about them.”
Dan gave Chris a soft glower. “I’m an expert with fire, thankyouverymuch!”
“That’s what worries me.” Chris mumbled. He turned back to Dan. “Hey, Uh…thanks for…you know…helping me get back at LA Weekly.” He said, scratching at his face lightly with an index finger.
Dan began unpacking and unwrapping his many, many candles. “Anytime, buddy. Anytime.” Dan said, looking up with a devilish grin. “Now…be gone! I have romance to setup!”
“Right, see you at work, buddy.” Chris responded with a wave.
“See you at work!” Dan said in an unusually chipper tone as he shut the door to his apartment
Chris turned and stared out into the empty street. “I’ll uh…just wait here for Elise, then…”
***
“Nervous?” Elise asked her friend who was being unusually quiet.
The last bits of sunlight where eking out from behind distant hills as darkness had begun take its place, shrouding the valley in night.
“Uh…yeah…” Pinkie admitted from the passenger seat of the blue sedan, clutching a shopping bag to her chest.
“It’ll be fine.” Elise assured. “All Dan really cares about is getting to be with you.”
Pinkie smiled. “Yeah, you’re right Elise. He’s really sweet like that.” She said without a hint of sarcasm.
Elise went quiet.
“Uh…Elise?”
“Oh, sorry…I guess I never thought I’d live to see the day where anyone thought Dan was sweet.” She admitted.
Pinkie giggled. “Well, he just needed someone to give him a chance, is all.”
“Or a couple dozen.” Elise countered with a grin.
Pinkie tittered quietly with a grin before resuming her nervous quietness. “…I’m just not even sure how to even get started…” She murmured.
Elise’s eyes widened slightly as the vehicle headlights hit Chris sitting on the curb with a bored expression on his face in front of Casa Paradisio. “Don’t worry, I’m sure an opportunity will present itself.” Elise said with a small smile.
Pinkie nodded slightly. “Alright, Elise…I’ll try not to worry so much…”
Elise stopped the car as Chris stood up.
“Bye-bye, Elise!” Pinkie said with a cheerful smile. “See you later!” She said waving as she held her pink bag and shopping bag in the other hand, opening the car door and stepping out into the oncoming night.
Elise waved to her friend. “See you, Pinkie!”
“Oh!” Pinkie said, noticing Chris. “Hiya, Chris.”
“Hey, Pinkie!” Chris said with a smile and wave. “I won’t keep you. Dan’s waiting for you.”
“He is?” Pinkie responded, her face and tone equal parts nervousness and excitement. “Well…I guess I shouldn’t keep him waiting…Bye-bye, Chris!”
“See you at work, Pinkie.” Chris called before entering the blue sedan’s passenger side.
“Hey you!” Elise called out happily, leaning over to plant a small kiss on her husband’s lips. “Don’t tell me Dan just left you outside…”
Chris shrugged. “Well, he did, but the bakery is just a few blocks away…so…”
“Do I even want to know how many cupcakes and muffins you had?” Elise asked, maintaining her smile.
“You do not…” Chris said, shaking his head with a smile.
“Well, did you and Dan at least have fun?”
Chris grinned. “We did! It was very…therapeutic.”
Elise chuckled. “Sounds like old times.”
Chris shrugged. “For me, for a change.”
Elise shook her head, same happy smile on her face. “I’m not even going to ask.” She pulled the car out into the street.
“Hey!” Elise began. “Why don’t you and I snuggle up on the couch and watch Attractive Happy People in Love 2 when we get back.”
Chris smiled. “Sounds like a romantic evening.”
Elise reached a hand over and rested it on her husband’s thigh. “Oh, that’s not the romantic part. That part is a surprise.”
Chris smiled at his wife goofily. “Can’t wait…”
-♫
Pinkie stood in front of the door to apartment 8 as she smoothed out her dress and fussed with her hair, trying to make sure the unruly mass was out of her where it should be, and hanging in front of it in the right place..
Oh, I’m STILL so nervicited!
It’s okay…
Breathe, breathe!
It’s Dan and he loves you…and you love him! And that’s all that really matters, right?
Pinkie took one more deep breath and smiled before opening the door.
“Dan? I’m…”
-♫
Pinkie gasped as the warm, inviting light of hundreds of lit candles of all shapes and sizes emanated over her. The flickering orange light washed over her, casting soft shadows over her face, body, and dress.
-♫
She stepped into the apartment, small flames danced from almost every corner and every flat surface of the room. Pinkie’s large, sky-blue eyes shimmered as the light reflected in them like hundreds of stars. She stood memorized as she tried to take in the sight in front of her.
-♫
Dan smiled as he sat a meatloaf on a plate in the center of the small, black table in the kitchen area with a dark teal oven mitt clad hand. It sat next to a bowl of steaming broccoli with two plates with matching flatware sat across from each other on opposite ends of the table. Small, shallow candles lined the unused portions of the table.
-♫
Dan grinned as he took off his oven mitt and sat it on the on the kitchen counter.
-♫
“Hey, Pinkie. I made dinner.” Dan said, walking over to pull out one of the black folding chairs from the table and motion Pinkie towards it.
-♫
Pinkie beamed wide. “I can see that.”
-♫
Fighting Pinkie’s hold slightly, Dan broke away about an inch and leaned his head down so he was touching his own forehead against Pinkie’s and her curly bangs.
“I spent a lot of time making sure dinner was perfect, goofball, and you’re going to sit and eat it with me first.” Dan declared, grinning as he locked green eyes with Pinkie’s sparkling sky-blue eyes.
Pinkie attempted to force the smile from her face, achieving something much closer to a smirk than a frown. “Meanie.”
-♫
Dan broke away and walked towards his end of the table.
-♫
“The word you’re looking for, my dear, is ‘tease’.” Dan said, grinning as he sat at the opposite end of the table.
-♫
“Teasie.” Pinkie said, combining the two words into one as her smirk changing into a happy grin.
-♫
Pinkie glanced around the room again and shook her head slightly. “I can’t believe you…”
-♫
“…or anyone would go to this much effort for me…”
-♫
Dan gave Pinkie an uncharacteristically warm smile. “Hey, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I want you to know it.”
Pinkie blushed. “Well, then…” She purred in a sultry tone. “I’ll have to return the favor after dinner…”
-♫
Pinkie slowing exited the bathroom into the glowing flickering light emanating from the bedroom door, the candles in the kitchen and living room area having been extinguished. The fiery glow washed over her décolleté, and bare shoulders, arms, legs. Her pink, single piece lingerie covered the rest of her and hugged her body tightly as it hung from pink shoulder straps that ran down over the sides of her breasts. A double row of frilly lace covered a few inches of the top of her thighs just below the item’s hem that also sported two small, pink bows on the front.
-♫
She walked into the bedroom, unsurprised to once again be surrounded by candles or to see Dan, who had been brave enough as to take off his shoes and socks, sitting on the edge of the bed. There was one thing that surprised her however…
I can’t believe he looks as nervicited as I felt in front of the apartment door…
-♫
Pinkie gave Dan narrowed, bedroom eyes as she walked forward; brushed a long, flowing, curly pink lock of hair behind her bare shoulder; and wrapped her arms around his neck and back as she leaned her head down to kiss him deeply.
-♫
Slowly, Dan wrapped his own arms around Pinkie’s back, one hand over the lingerie and another on the exposed portion of her back where the lingerie opened slightly.
-♫
Pinkie giggled softly as Dan gently swung her off her feet and onto the bed, positioning himself over her. Pinkie’s hair spread around her head and back making it appear as if she had just been thrown into a puddle of cotton candy.
-♫
Pinkie placed her hands under Dan’s shirt and grasped it, lifting it up over his head as Dan held his arms up. She unceremoniously tossed it to the floor below.
-♫
Dan placed his hands on either side of Pinkie’s face and leaned down to kiss her passionately, a kiss Pinkie was more than happy to reciprocate as she soon sent Dan’s jeans and boxers to join his shirt on the floor.
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Aww, our little Pinkie's growing up...
Dat romanticism
Kawaii! Desu! TOO MUCH ADORABLE! The internet can't take much more! Abandon ship! (Get it?
) Children and Fanfiction writers first!
3559548
So this is how the internet ends, not with an an avalanche of porn , but with adorable cross-shipping fan-fiction.
Official Canterlot Business. Is that what they're calling it now?
Incidently, I also maintain at least 1000 pages of reading material and a notebook whenever I travel.
And I can't get a Kindle or something because I routinely spend $200 whenever I enter a book store, and being without any limits as to size would bankrupt me.
I measure my library by cubic volume.
Please never let Pinkie discover edible underwear.
And by the way, I know describing objects a certain way is kind of your thing, but they live in the southwest. You could have just said adobe.
Dan is actually aware other people have feelings! Aww he's like real people.
That's a yes.
Apparently Vengeance is contagious.
You know, if you keep referencing this to the point were Pinkie believes they exist, they may form out of the void.
Friend reference? Early series if so.
And I lost it.
You know, that whole thing about T-Rex having motion vision from Jurassic Park was a mistake, and that whatever researcher messed up was comparing them to Horseshoe Crabs It was always crap, no Idea why Crichton picked it up in the two minutes before Palaeontologists called bullsh*t.
And then Everybody knew it. I hate Science myths. Nerdrage 
D'awwwwww
3559665
I made the Friends connection with the name and considered using more names for the co-workers, or making sure I established the screaming man's name was "Ross", but decided I was having much more fun just assaulting faceless strangers with newspapers.
I definitely could have made that house sentence more concise. I'm kinda constantly figuring out how much time I should or shouldn't spend describing things. I probably should start leaning towards adobe when I describe SoCal houses.
It's funny how often I have use the word "beige", it's such a popular interior color. With pretty much all the hotels and places I reference based off real places that I look up and describe. "Beige walls" comes up at least twice in two separate places while everyone was driving towards Canada.
Speaking of describing things, sentences that describe Pinkie's attire thankfully have gotten shortened as I just rotate through a number of outfits and assume people have a visual cache ready to go.
Doing multiple flashbacks in the early chapters was obnoxious at times, because suddenly I have to write another one or two sentence to describe what Pinkie is wearing now.
It's funny that I wrote an entire chapter basically savagely attacking this trope, and yet, even as a writer it's tempting to make a character wear the same thing day in and day out simply to save time.
Alright, enough tangent deluge.
I did consider somehow making the vipers real as a gag. Though, I didn't want to undermine the romance with an unexpected interruption.
I mean, I spent about half of this work doing that already.
3559758
For descriptions, consider the law of conservation of detail. People don't asses the world around them in it whole, they take spot observations and their brain fills in the gaps, like the height of stairs you can't see. What that means as a story teller is that once you have established an existing set of circumstances you can refer to them in summery and the reader fills in the rest. You can pretty much reference "that one outfit with the sweater vest" and the audience will either fill in the details or not care and move on. Also, unless its really important to the story, you really don't have to say anything at all. We do the heavy lifting and make up the details ourselves unless told something else.
I get that you were trying to subvert the cartoon trope of limited wardrobe, but the reason it exists in the first place is this sort of unnecessary overhead, and most people (here) cycle for their limited wardrobe in a few combinations often enough that we get the idea. Then again, others might disagree, so feel out the other readers before changing your style. to a certain extent the way you describe things is one of the elements that give this story its charm.
Also, about the snake thing. We both know that eventually you're going to move on from the slice of life into the "Season Finale" and have a big showdown with TOM, so save running gags like this for later. It may be my recent Fringe Binge (
) on Netfllix, but the sort of synchronicity of a running gag could be an underlying effect of their influence imposing a sort of order onto random causality. That, and a lot of weird things shake out of the fabric of time and space during a reality warper fight.
But that Chekhov's gun in your armory.
3559832
That's good advice, thanks.
Believe it or not, this is pretty much my first fan-fiction undertaking, almost everything else being one off joke pieces where I mostly wrote in sort of script style and I just did dialogue plus the odd action here or there to a small audience of forum goers that pretty much was only going to respond if they liked it regardless of how many grammatical errors I made...
I do like describing body language and hand movements and such with everyone/pony, though. Especially since I'm essentially trying to describe a cartoon with two of the most animated characters out there.
I've been there, and hope to never return.
I'm glad my towns free useless newspaper goes out with the regular mail and not in the morning.
I would love to do this to that company who keeps putting tire sale coupons on my truck though.
3564938 YOU'RE LITERALLY ON THE INTERNET RIGHT KNOW
quickmeme.com/img/09/09af900313d7b1f0374ccc9dc40a67d9f4a93c10189cc357b7298c264bb26635.jpg
I can't feel my face. I laughed so hard I nearly passed out here. Each THONK of the newspapers sent me into fits. Each. And. Every. one.
3984701 OHGODRUN!!
i'm silently looking for a chapter to type; ´´if you date a merry woman,you get hit by a bus.``Dan,Dan vs Season 1 Episode 1
4373177 Yes, just... Yes.
Honestly, I was choking the whole time. I absolutely enjoy the humour and characterisation you put into this whole saga. And like what everyone else seems to say, why is sleep compulsory?
probably your husband Chris, Elise? Seriously, get some edible underwear and he'd be in heaven.
4460120 "Bacon panties?! Elise... I really, really, REALLY love you right now..."
4545009 After that comment, I am now jealous of women.
and books of the library where replaced
diamond shaped sign with the image of flames on it a.
The last bits of sunlight where eking out
1. Were.
2. Uhh... I think you accidentally put an extra word here. I could be wrong and you could have somehow wanted to continue the sentence.
3. Were.
3559650 NOOOO! The end is nigh.
"Hey, Rarity, can you teach me how to fuck my boyfriend?"
OK, even though I'm no longer doing line-by-line corrections? And this chapter is one of the most error-heavy in the entire story? There's one thing I really do need to point out for IMMEDIATE repair:
A brazier is a stone or metal container used as a coal or wood firepit. You're not likely to find them on sale at a lingerie store.
Now, a lingerie store will almost CERTAINLY sell brassieres.
The revenge scheme against the trashpaper was awesome. It reminded me of the time someone dumped several thousand AOL CDs on the doorstep of the AOL headquarters, only more aggressive.
Chapter 49: All da Intarnet rulz...
I feel very sorry for what poor Rarity is about to experience...
Hmm... Dan and Pinkie doin' da deed. *Alondro's mind goes there...* OH GOD!!!! *projectile vomit spews from every window and door of Alondro's house... which is made more astounding in its grotesqueness by the fact that he's not even there right now!*
That was...MUCH more romantic than I thought it would be!
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=jV-pptLqa4Y]
Taylor Swift and Ed Shearan's song "Everything Has Changed" is really fitting for the final part of the chapter.
There's no way any kind of sex scene involving Dan could possibly not be awkward as hell
...
But you made it less awkward than I thought possible
Still, I'm very happy to leave this incredibly awkward part behind, even if it did have some really adorable, heartwarming, and funny scenes, as well as the one scene I've been waiting for since the beginning: the 'Chris is secretly jealous of Pinkie stealing Dan away from him' scene.
And it did not disappoint. I'm buying a t-shirt cannon now and it's all your fault.
I'm not gonna lie, when Pinkie referenced asking the internet for help I couldn't help but laugh at how bad of an idea it would be to ask the internet for help on ANYTHING sexual.
Let's just hope that your not short where it counts Dan.
Don't suppose there's a picture anywhere of human Pinkie in that lingerie?
7090375
Not that I'm aware of.
Though, this picture here is actually not terribly far off, if featuring a bit cuter Pinkie than I'd imagine. The main thing different that comes to mind is the color of the lingerie is actually a bit closer to the color of her hair.
googles - fix this before Google sues you for trademark or copyright infringement. (the bunch of paranoid gits!)
Several things. First, Pinkie should try baking something sweet while wearing an apron and nothing else. Second, Elise should look into a bikini made of bacon, one that Chris must remove without hands. Third, now that we've gotten Chris to declare revenge against something, I look forward to seeing Elise try the same. Fourth, I'm having a hard time reading this without smiling.
I think you meant feminine.
8454277
Man. I made a habit of making this exact error back in the day. 
Fixed! Thanks. 
Would Dan even get the metaphor if Pinkie did this?
Is it wrong that I want to see pictures of a human Pinkie Pie wearing exactly these sort of things?
*As Ernest P. Worrell* Nobody moves....Nobody dies....
I believe the correct answer to this question is no. Watch 'Dan Vs. The Family Camping Trip'. Poor Dan didn't lose it the traditional way.
I had no idea it could be pouring in Southern California. Even regular rain poses a danger of causing mudslides.