Part 7 Dan Vs. Love: Chapter 42 Dan Vs. Boredom
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 7 Dan Vs. Love
Chapter 42 Dan Vs. Boredom
****
Dan sighed as he pulled his car out of the bakery parking lot.
It’s fine, you can do this.
You lived by yourself for years.
It’s no big deal.
It’s fine, everything is fine…
Still, it’s a long, lonely drive back to the apartment.
…
No wait, there it is.
Dan parked his car in front of the building and exited. Sighing as he walked up the steps and sighing as he unlocked the apartment door and walked into the apartment.
“Meow?” Mr. Mumbles said.
“Mr. Mumbles!” Dan said, throwing his arms out wide. “Come here! Give daddy a big, snuggly hug!”
“Merow?” Mr. Mumbled complied, running up to Dan and jumping up into his chest as Dan wrapped his arms around her.
“Dwaaaa…who’s a good kitty? Who’s a good kitty?! Who’s a good kitty?! Who’sagoodkitty?! Whosagoodkitty?!”
“Meow?”
“Of course it’s you! You’re a good kitty! You’reagoodkitty! Youragoodkitty!”
“Meow?”
“She’s working. She’ll be back later.” Dan explained, holding Mr. Mumbles out at arm’s length.
“Meow meow?”
“NO! I don’t miss her! I just saw her like five minutes ago!” Dan said, mild irritation creeping into his voice.
“Meow merow?”
“What! That’s stupid! I’ll be fine! I’ve spent years living alone!” Dan insisted.
“Meow.”
“I’m waiting for the right moment, okay?!”
“Meow meow!”
“You don’t know that for sure!” Dan gave an exasperated sigh. “You know what! I feel great! It’ll be nice to finally have some quiet around here! Now if you’ll excuse me I have some TV to watch!” Dan declared, sitting on the couch and sitting Mr. Mumbles down next to him.
Dan grabbed a large, thin TV remote and turned on the large, flat screen television. Noises of violence erupted from the speakers.
“But, Johnny! There’s not enough room in the orphanage after you launched all the idiotic parents into the sun!” A woman’s voice called out.
“That’s, okay! I know how make extra room!” A heroic voice called out.
The sound of children screaming erupted from the speakers as machine gun fire was heard.
Dan sighed. “Seen it.”
He changing the channel.
“And we now return to Apocalyptic Alien Secrets of the Past on the History Channel!”
“Lame.” Dan exclaimed, changing the channel again.
“And we’re back with real people who live stranger lives than you!”
“Doubt it.” Dan said, changing the channel again.
A soothing, male voice called out of the speakers. “…the city council has assured that what everyone thought was a luminescent radioactive gas that caused people’s hair to fall out and skin to melt, was really just a nutritional deficiency caused by not eating enough delicious, locally grown, imaginary corn chips. Buy a bag for your family! And, assuming your jaw did not rot and fall off due to dangerously low levels of imaginary corn chips, throw another one in for yourself, listener! You’re worth it!”
“And now, the weather.”
Dan sighed again and changed the channels. He began rapidly flipping through them with a bored expression, barely even paying attention to what was on screen.
“Figures.” He mumbled out. “I finally get the sometime to myself and there’s nothing but mind numbingly stupid shows on!”
Dan stared down at the video game system in front of the TV and looked over to Mr. Mumbles. “Would you like to play some games with me?” Dan asked with a hopeful tone.
“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles responded enthusiastically.
*Ten minutes later*
“MEREOW! HISSS! MEROW!”
“WHY, MR MUMBLES, WHY!” Dan cried as he pried the irate cat from off his face.
‘Tink, tink’
“Hello? Is this darn thing on?”
Dan looked towards the small, closed compact mirror on the crate that served as the apartment’s makeshift coffee table and dove for it, quickly opening it and bringing up to his face.
“Hello! Dan speaking.” He said happily into the mirror.
“Uh…Howdy partner…your um…bleedin’ there.” Applejack answered, raising an eyelid as her ears perked up.
“It happens!” Dan said smiling, shrugging a bit.
“You’re bleedin’ a mighty lot.” Applejack insisted, pointing at Dan with a forehoof.
“Yeah, forehead cuts. They do that.” Dan responded.
Applejack rolled her eyes, “Er, Look Dan…is Pinkie around?”
“Nope.” Dan said, his grin starting to turn devilish. “She’s at work for the next several hours! It’s just you and me Crackerjack.”
Applejack’s eyes narrowed and her ears dropped slightly. “Applejack.”
“Whatever!” Dan said dismissively.
“Wait, Pinkie Pie got a job?” Applejack asked.
Dan sighed. “Yeah, hired as of today…” He said trailing off.
“Ah, so you’re just there on your lonesome, eh?”
“I’M NOT LONELY!” Dan screamed at the orange, blonde maned pony through the mirror in his hand.
Applejack gritted her teeth as her hat slid backwards a bit, “Uh…sure, partner, whatever you say…” Applejack replied, fixing her hat back into place.
“Soooo? Want a staring competition rematch?” Dan asked opening his eyes wide.
Applejack closed her eyes and shook her head. “Sorry partner, I actually called you up on this here magic doohickey to tell you something.”
Dan pointed his free hand at himself and put on a ‘Who, me?’ expression.
“I think you’re confused.” Dan said. “You seem to be having some sort of horrible hallucinations where you’ve confused me for a girl with big, beautiful, eyes, the color of a cloudless sky on a bright, sunny day and long, gorgeous, curly pink hair, like cotton candy drifting wistfully on a cool, spring breeze.”
Applejack smirked. “You writing poetry for Pinkie Pie, partner?”
“Uh…I mean her hair is stupid and I hate it…also shut up…I suggest you hit your head against something hard repeatedly until your vision clears.” Dan said informatively, leveling an index finger at Applejack.
Applejack maintained her smirk as she rolled her eyes. “Lookie here, Dan. I just need to know if Pinkie told you what day it is in a couple weeks.”
Dan sighed. “You mean her stupid, pet alligator’s birthday? She hasn’t shut up about that. I think she’s making me wear a series of pointy hats that she expects me to swap out every ten minutes while I wave at this stupid mirror.”
Applejack raised an eyelid again, and her ears once again perked up. “She didn’t happen to mentioned what happens on the day afterwards, di’she?”
“The same stupid alligator’s stupid after party.” Dan responded.
Applejack smacked a forehoof against her face.
“What!” Dan protested. “Am I right, or am I right?!”
“No, not you, partner.” Applejack said, taking off her hat and rubbing the back of her head. “Pinkie Pie does this every year!”
“Throw stupid parties for a dumb reptile with a vacant expression on its face?” Dan asked.
“I meant, aside from that!” Applejack insisted, putting her hat back on.
“Well! Spit it out! I haven’t got all day, Apple Strudel.”
“Applejack!” The orange earth pony insisted. “Apple Strudel is my great uncle!”
“Are you going to be pedantic, or are you going to tell me what you were going to say?!” Dan demanded.
Applejack sighed. “The day after Gummy’s birthday is Pinkie’s Birthday.”
Dan paused. “WHAT?! Why didn’t she say something to me?”
“Honestly, partner? She’s probably so focused on Gummy’s parties she’s completely forgotten about her own.”
“This is perfect!” Dan announced.
“Uh, it is?” Applejack asked.
“Sure! I throw Pinkie a big party, buy her an awesome gift, and she’ll have to fall in love with me!”
Applejack paused, a giant grin slowly eroded her serious demeanor and spread across her face.
Dan’s eyes went wide as he looked back at the mirror. “Uh I mean…Pinkie is hopeless and she needs me to take care of her!”
Applejack’s grin widened, “Is that a fact?”
“I umm…”
“Listen Dan, I get the impression you don’t have a lot of experience with women folk.”
“What are you talking about? Girls love me!” Dan insisted.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “Sure they do, partner. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t throw Pinkie a happenin’ hoedown of a shindig, or get her something mighty nice, but have you ever considered telling her how you feel?”
Dan sighed, “Mr. Mumbles said the exact same thing.”
“Uhhh…yer cat?”
“Merow!” Mr. Mumbles replied from the couch cushion.
“Hey! No ganging up on me!” Dan said to Mr. Mumbles. “Besides, what if she doesn’t feel the same way about me?!”
“…Yer serious?” Applejack asked, cocking her head to the side.
“Look, to the untrained eye, I’m sure Pinkie seems very easy to understand, but Pinkie is like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a gorgeous, hour-glass shaped body, with hair of long, flowing curls and, slender, feminine hands made of smooth silk and …”
“Uh, Dan? Come back to us partner. You’re starting to drift off.”
“Ah, right…where was I?”
Applejack turned as the noise of an opening door was heard.
“Oh! Hey Applejack,” Twilight called out.
“Hey, A.J.” Spike said.
“Howdy, Twilight! Hiya, Spike!”
Dan’s eyes widened once more and he brought the mirror close to his face, “You can’t say a word about this to anyone! Understand?”
Applejack smiled and nodded, “My lips sealed tighter than the lids to Granny Smith’s apple-honey jam jars.”
“Promise?” Dan asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Promise,” Applejack replied.
“Promise what, A.J.?” Spike enquired, walking into the view of the mirror, followed by Twilight. “Oh! Hey, Accidental Arson Bro!”
“Spike!” Dan exclaimed trying to act natural. “My main man! My main dragon man! How’s it going?”
“Great!” Spike exclaimed. “How about you, buddy?”
“Oh, you know me! Awesome 24/7, 365 days of the year.”
“Dan, what happened to your face?” Twilight asked with just the tiniest hint of concern. “You’ve got tiny lacerations all over it!”
“Oh, I just beat Mr. Mumbles at video games a little too much.”
“Mrrrrrrr…” Mr. Mumbles growled from the seat next to Dan.
“So,” Dan continued, “Spike! Start any fires lately?”
Spike smiled as Twilight smacked a forehoof against her face.
“Well, actually, me and the CMC…” Spike began.
“CMC?” Dan interrupted.
“He means tha Cutie Mark Crusaders,” Applejack informed. “My sister and her two friends.”
“Oh yeah, the obnoxiously cute trio,” Dan replied.
“So, anyways,” Spike continued enthusiastically. “They tried to get their cutie marks in building demolition! And I helped!” Spike said proudly.
“Sweet! How’d that turn out?” Dan asked.
Twilight put a hoof over Spike’s mouth, “They burned down a coffee shop that was closing down.”
“Radical,” Dan replied with a toothy smile.
“They started the fire before everypony was out of said coffee shop!” Twilight added angrily.
Dan thought about this for a second and responded, “I stand by my earlier statement.”
“UuuhHHLG!” Twilight replied in frustration.
Applejack shot Dan a weary look, “Now where in tarnation would they get an idea like that from?”
“Oh, please!” Dan replied, he waved his hand about dismissively. “Like they haven’t done worse without my helpful and well-meaning guidance.”
“Uhh…well…you got me there, partner…” Applejack admitted sheepishly.
“So what’s this about a promise?” Spike asked again.
“Uhh…” Dan merely trailed off.
“Dan promised he’d throw a big birthday shindig for Pinkie Pie!” Applejack announced.
“Right, that is totally what I promised. That thing. A birthday party. A birthday party for Pinkie Pie…and nothing else.” Dan added.
Ha! They suspect nothing!
Applejack grinned nervously as Spike and Twilight Sparkle fixed Dan with looks that suggested that they suspected something.
They’re on to me!
“Oh my! Look at the time! Gotta go!” Dan declared as he began to shut the mirror.
“Dan, wait!” Twilight exclaimed.
‘Click’
“Meow?”
“It’s okay, Mr. Mumbles.” Dan insisted. “Those ponies with their offensive color schemes are gone!”
‘Zap’
“Dan! Dan, I still need to talk to you!” Twilight called out.
Dan turned in the direction of the bathroom. “Oh, what lunacy is this?!”
Dan trudged into the bathroom where Twilight, Spike, and Applejack stared back at him from the bathroom mirror.
“Oh, COME ON!” Dan shouted. “I thought you could only bug me through Pinkie’s magic mirror!” Dan insisted.
Twilight shook her head. “Pinkie’s mirror isn’t magic!” Twilight explained. “It was just the closest mirror to her when we found her and… DAN! Wait! Put down the sledgehammer!” Twilight pleaded, holding up her forehoofs in a ‘Stop!’ expression.
Dan paused as he held the sledgehammer above his head. “Make it good, Sparkler.”
Twilight sighed. “Look, I just wanted to know if you’d let us throw a little party for Pinkie, too. When you’re done with her, that is.”
Dan lowered the sledgehammer. “Uh…and ‘done with her’, you mean..?”
Twilight knitted her eyes towards each other. “Done with your party, of course. Why? What did you think I meant?”
“Nothing!” Dan said, holding up his hands and letting go of the sledgehammer, dropping it directly onto his foot. “OW!” Dan picked up his injured foot and began hopping up and down on his good leg to the chorus of giggles from the trio watching him through the bathroom mirror. Dan shot them all a glare, and they stifled their giggles, but remained smiling.
“Fine, Sparkler. When I’m done throwing her an amazing, awesome human party; she can have a stupid, lame pony party with you losers.”
Twilight closed her eyes and smiled. “That’s all I wanted!” She opened her eyes again. “Thanks, Dan.”
“Yeah, yeah. Just give me my bathroom mirror back! This is creeping me out.” Dan declared.
“Sure, Dan. See you later!”
“Later, Partner!”
“Catch you later, Accidental Arson Bro!”
Dan waved as the ponies and baby dragon disappeared in a purple flash and he was left staring at his own reflection.
Alright, now to get Pinkie the perfect gift…
…
…I have no idea what the perfect gift would be…
Dan walked out of the bathroom, and grabbed his rectangular phone out of his pocket. He dialed a number with incredible speed.
“Hey, Dan!” A chipper voice answered from the other line.
“Chris! I need you to stop whatever ridiculous thing you’re doing and come pick me up, toot sweet!” Dan demanded into the phone.
“I’m not doing anything, Dan.” Chris replied.
“Well, stop it!”
“Uh…I can’t really stop doing nothing…Unless I actually do something.” Chris replied.
“Oh well…you can stop it by coming to pick me up, I guess.”
“Okay Dan! See you in just a bit!” Chris replied happily.
“AND STOP YOUR INSUFFERABLE WHINING!” Dan yelled, hanging up the phone.
…What do girls like?
Uh, Medieval weapons? No, Pinkie has dozens of those, already…
Makeup? Naw…Pinkie’s perfect the way she is…
Firearms? Hmm…I think Pinkie is the up close and personal type…
Why does everything have to be so difficult?!
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3483868
Thanks!
I think the sweetest thing about this chapter is how dan thinks pinkie is perfect the way she is. 0u0
3484102
He's got it bad, that's for sure.
dude if shes up close and personal, get her either a 2 leiter jug of pepper spray, a butterfly knife she can learn balisong on, or an Uzi your pick.
3486873 or a super rare bonesaw violin?
best weapon/musical instrument other than the Pyro's Rainblower
Oh, I got a question! I know you described Pinkie's many outfits, but I forget if you mentioned exactly how she herself looks here! I imagine her EqG variation cuz it's in the cover art, but maybe you have some other piece of fan art that you think of when you imagine human Pinkie in Dan's world?
Not that there's anything wrong with the EqG version, she was as cute in there as her pony self (which in my personal opinion is cuter than even Fluttershy or the CMC, don't burn me!).
3488448
There's probably not a single piece of art that covers it exactly.
Though, Technaro's work comes pretty close:
fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2013/191/f/c/she_understands_by_technaro-d6csuun.png
Especially when I think of Pinkie's face.
I imagine Pinkie with more of a full figure though. Like this piece of art here:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/1/30/228758__safe_twilight+sparkle_rainbow+dash_pinkie+pie_fluttershy_rarity_applejack_humanized_edit_horned+humanization.jpeg
Though probably a bit shorter (And I have other head-canon for the other humanized ponies in the pic, though this is surprisingly close with a couple of them).
3488504 Oh, cool. Technaro's stuff seems pretty close to EqG, too. And in that second picture, freaking nice to see someone draw Fluttershy like I'd imagine her be and not some fertility goddess-level busty wonder. Although for some reason, even if it makes sense for Pinkie to be shapelier due to all the pastries, I also always imagined her to be a very light-figured girl when she's humanized in stories, maybe because it fits better in my head with her hyperactivity.
But of course the main question secretly was whether she is really pink-skinned or not and it seems like she is
3487904 LOL i ment a real butterfly knife AKA Switchblade knife NOT TF2 Kinda knife.
Dude a flaming lizzard burnt down MY coffee shop too!
3488521
Technaro definitely draws her with a bit of a Pinkish hue, doesn't she?
I don't imagine this would be quite EqGs level of pink, but I could see Pinkie with a skin shade that's certainly a bit pinker than the average Caucasian.
Which could explain why Dan calls her "Pink Girl" from time to time.
Edit:
Also, I kind of imagine it as a sort of mix when it comes to her figure.
Her eating habits are actually probably pretty atrocious when it comes to empty calories from baked goods. Yet, at the same time she's always on the move and metabolizes things really quickly. Hence a sort of full figured Pinkie in my head.
3488752 You know, I'm starting to feel that I prefer straight-on alien skin colors to slight hues in the direction of a corresponding pony's coat. Being slightly pink like that among realistically-colored people makes her look a bit ill. Although if the color in that particular picture was a bit more reddish and less purple-ish she'd just look like she just forgot to apply the proper products for a day of sunbathing. Although now I'm imagining RD, she would look a bit dead in that style, which is even worse.
Actually, I wonder if that's why they made Sunset Shimmer orange-yellow, so that they could have her looking more human-like. Somehow even in the multiracial world of EqG a green or blue(for example)-skinned 'human' villain would've been kinda silly, at least to me.
3488789
Flash is orange as well. It seemed like they wanted Sunset and Flash to look a bit normal.
Pinkie is probably the only one of the mane six I would see maintaining a sort of color that's reminiscent of her coat. Though, that's just serendipitous.
A possible exception here would be Applejack, but she'd just be tan.
The other four would probably have completely different skin tones from their fur. Maybe not Rarity so much, though humanized Rarity is Asian in my mind for some reason... I guess I just like the idea of a mixed race mane cast.
Honestly, I'm kinda on the fence regarding how much I explain skin tone when it comes to the human!pony characters, since we have EqGs skin matches their fur colors and then fan-artists assigning all kinds of skin tones based on whatever they feel. Just not sure how much I want to impose my vision on people here on something that ultimately doesn't impact the story except for the occasional sentence when I have to describe what someone looks like to readers who probably have their own mental image of the characters anyway...
3488851 Yeah, I think if you include like a black Rarity (although you say you imagine her asian, but that seems to be a popular trope for god knows what reason), or an indian Twilight, or arabian Fluttershy in a full postbox costume (the proper word seems to have slipped my mind
), some people would probably lunge at your throat. I would probably be slightly miffed too, to be honest. All the voice actors are caucasian so I honestly can't see the mane 6 members as humans of any other race. In any case leaving it ambigious should be good. Even whether or not Pinkie's skin is supposed to be slightly pink-tinted. Although I always enjoy knowing an author's personal "canon" in any sort of ambigious elements. 
3488916
That's good feedback, actually. And I think the word you're looking for is "Niqab" (I think most westerners mistakenly call this a Burqua) which is the almost full covering with a gap for the eyes (Burqua's actully obscure the eyes with a veil of some sort).
I kinda liked the Twilight as Indian or at least darker skinned tone, which seems to be a popular way of drawing her, but I've seen artist get blasted for this. So definitely leaning towards not really bothering.
Notice I didn't bother with Button, his mom, or Derpy.
I'm not sure I did with either Sunset or Flash, but as we discussed, their EqGs colors are already kinda acceptable skin tones.
3488953 Well, Button's mom has probably the most acceptable color. I would be incredibly surprised if anyone portrayed HER humanized as a non-caucasian woman. Button on the other hand would probably look like some sort of forest-dwelling hobo. And Derpy a zombie, with one eye falling out. Or one eye falling out and another falling up antigravitationally
3488534 I knew that, but I had to make a TF2 reference due to Pinkie's sheer randomness... I believe she would truly appreciate a musical weapon
I just had the scariest thought. Dan's Drive for vengeance combined with the CMC's creativity, naivety, and destructiveness.
"so Arson Cutie marks failed, But how would you girls like to try for a Ghost killing Cutie mark" (Crosses something off list)
“Sure! I throw Pinkie and big party
"a"
“Spike!” Dan exclaimed trying act natural.
Missing "to"
Ermagerd, Its Welcome To Nightvale!!!!!!! Bestest random crossover type bit yet!
3488504 i really don't like it when people make pinkie chubby because it makes her lose that kind of agile and speedy type personality
ps: i have seen that art on devaintart all the time
3488504 Pinkie's hyperactiveness means she probably also has a high metabolism, so she can maintain a proper, thin physique.
Uh…Howdy partner…your um…bleedin’ there
1. Either it You're or Yer. Stupid accents making it hard to differentiate...
An autographed spleen!
People still do that?
Unless by "incredible speed" you mean "pick from menu and hit Call"...
4699070
In the show Dan has actually dialed Chris with his smartphone, oddly enough.
They both still have land-lines too. Dan, in particular, seems to have somewhat dated phones. So yeah, Dan occasionally actually dials out.
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsWxS2jTsK8]
Nightvale reference
I love how Dan calls the CMC 'the obnoxiously cute trio'. I have the mental image of him suggesting they try to get their Cutie Marks by being adorable in the diabetes or heart patient wings of the local hospital, only for Scootaloo to adorably complain that she wants to be awesome, not adorable!
Love to mace and/or tase you
9515170
And don’t forget the occasional restraining orders they file against him.
well if my first girlfriend is any indication, girls don't like pink snub-nosed .38 revolvers for there birthday.
Get her a flamethrower
Its a short to mid range that appeals to her newfound pyro loving tendencies
Also i found no mention of her ever owning 1
10726129
Sounds like you need a new girlfriend.
Cuz that's an awesome gift.
10756452
California is actually the only state where it is illegal to own a flamethrower. Presumably because of all those droughts they have.