Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping: Chapter 37 Elise Vs. Elise’s Parents (and Hiram, I guess…)
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 6 Pinkie & Dan Vs. Camping
Chapter 37 Elise Vs. Elise’s Parents (and Hiram, I guess…)
***
‘Crash’
“AHHHH!”
“Colby, what…OH MY GOD!”
“WHAT’S GOING…”
“I’M GOING TO EAT ALL OF YOU!”
Dan grumbled irritably as he was woken by the sound of broken glass, panicked RV occupants, and cannibalistic promises. He tugged at the vice like grip around his chest. “Pinkie, let go. Sounds like we have a situation.”
“I heard.” Pinkie responded cheerfully. “Could you give me a few more minutes? You’re really warm.”
Dan sighed as he felt Pinkie’s head rub against his back. “No, Pinkie. When whatever is out there is done with them, it’s going to come here…maybe…And I’d rather face it armed and wearing pants.” Dan explained.
“Clothing is overrated, anyway!” Pinkie argued.
“Be that as it may, it’s the middle of the night and I’d least like a few minutes to wake up if I have hack someone with a machete!”
Pinkie gave an exasperated “Fine!” and let go of Dan to lean over and turn on the lamp next to the bed.
Dan cringed as the room filled with light.
Pinkie sat up and yawned loudly, stretching her pink pajama clad arms and pink nail polished hands out as far as they would go up and out into the air.
Mr. Mumbles mewed softly and hopped off the bed.
Dan grumpily sat up in bed. “Stupid serial killers and evil monsters always attacking in the middle of the night. Makes me want to physically assault Thursdays.” He mumbled.
Pinkie stood up off the bed, lifted an arm straight up into the air, and grabbed her elbow with her hand on the opposite arm. She then switched arms and repeated the process. “Hey Dan, why don’t I go grab you a glass of ‘Wake up punch’?’”
Dan shimmied over to the side of the bed and hopped off. “Well…I probably won’t sleep for the next day or two, but I guess it beats dying horrifically.”
Pinkie smiled. “That’s the spirit!” Pinkie slipped on some pink slippers and exited the room into the dark living area.
“Oh! Hi, Chris!” Pinkie said to the tall, terrified looking man in blue footie pajamas. “Dan and I were going to wake up a bit before whatever is out is done eating and or dismembering all the people in the RV outside.” Pinkie said in her characteristically chipper tone.
Chris walked over to Pinkie and put his large, shaking hands on her shoulders. “Pinkie! I can’t find Elise! I think she’s out there!”
“Oh, well…that’s disconcerting.” Pinkie said, her smile dropping. She put a reassuring hand on one of Chris’s. “I’m sure she’s fine.”
“LET GO OF ME, YOU IDIOT!” The two heard Elise call out. “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ALL OF US KILLED.”
“Uh…relatively speaking that is.” Pinkie said with a nervous smile.
“I have to go out there!” Chris said, letting go of Pinkie and fighting past his obvious terror wracked state to walk towards the door.
Dan emerged from his and Pinkie’s room with a yawn, jeans applied to legs, boots applied to feet. “What idiotic thing are you planning on doing?”
“Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed in an alarmed tone. “Elise is out there! Chris wants to rescue her.”
The group stopped and listened as the sound of a gun firing shots was heard.
“Yeah, that is pretty idiotic.” Dan said.
“I want to rescue her, too!” Pinkie added with big, blue, pleading eyes and a quivering lower lip.
Dan sighed. “Alright, get me some punch and something sharp. I guess I’m a moron, too.”
“Yay!” Pinkie declared, running off in a pink blur.
Chris’s face lit up and his trembling eased a bit. “You two will come with me?”
The call of Elise shouting “…AND LET’S GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!” rang from outside.
Pinkie reappeared with her parka over her pajamas, a couple of glasses filled with some dark red semi-viscous, liquid in one hand, a sheathed chainsaw and cricket bat clutched against her torso with her other arm, and a cutlass in her hand. “Of course, silly! Elise is our friend!” Pinkie insisted as she shoved a glass filled with some dark red, viscous liquid in one of Chris’s hands and pushed a cricket bat into the other.
“Plus if you two go out there to do something stupid, and I sit here because I think I’ll be safer, somehow I’ll be the one who gets murdered.” Dan sighed out as Pinkie shoved a glass in his hand, and a cutlass in the other.
“What is this?” Chris asked examining his sinister looking semi-liquid in the glass.
“Mostly sugar.” Dan replied. “And energy shots.” He added.
“Don’t forget some delicious fresh squeezed fruit juice for flavor!” Pinkie added cheerfully, as she removed the sheath from her red chainsaw.
“Just drink it, monkey face.” Dan ordered. “It will blast our brains with enough caffeine and chemicals that we think running outside in the middle of the night to confront an unknown terror is a lot less suicidal.”
Dan and Chris closed their eyes, lifted their glasses, opened their mouths, and poured the red sludge down their throats.
Chris’s eyes shot open as the sound of more gunfire was heard, and his black pupils dilated until the turquoise in his eyes had given way to black.
“What?!” Chris exclaimed looking at the new empty glass. “Ooooh yeah, I feel great!” Chris turned to Dan. “DAN! I’m going out there and I’m going to swing this bat at the first dangerous thing I see, and by the way, I feel GREAT!”
“CHRIS!” Dan replied, his eyes having similarly morphed as sugar, chemicals, and caffeine coursed through his bloodstream. “You’re a great guy with great skills and you’re going to do GREAT! What the hell, I’m coming with you!”
Pinkie gleefully raised the red, boxy chainsaw towards her face, placed her teeth around the starter grip, and quickly pulled the chainsaw away from her with both hands as she jerked her head back.
The saw chain started rotating as the chainsaw roared to life with a loud ‘BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrNnnNNNnNNNN’.
“Alright, everyone! Let’s dare to be stupid!” Pinkie shouted over the sound of her chainsaw.
Dan and Chris howled excited sounding war cries as Chris led the charge towards the cabin door.
<*>
‘Crash’
The glass window exploded inward as a metal axe head easily moved through the brittle material.
“AHHHH!” Colby Screamed as the window above the couch he was sleeping on shattered, covering his burgundy blanket with tiny, jewel sized shards of glass.
Elise Sr. shot up in the bed at the back of the RV. “Colby, what…OH MY GOD!” She exclaimed, as a gaunt, emaciated face framed by a wild, unkempt beard emerged through the window.
Don, likewise, shot up in bed and ripped a black eye mask off his face. “WHAT’S GOING…”
“I’M GOING TO EAT ALL OF YOU!” The crazed man roared into the cabin, his beady, crazed, glowing eyes darting back and forth over the occupants of the RV. A skeletal hand wrapped in tight skin with long, broken and twisted nails swiftly emerged from the shattered window and clutched at Colby’s chest, grabbing a fist full of blanket and pajamas underneath.
Colby made a startled gasp and attempted to rip the hand from his chest. Much to his surprise, he found he was dealing with someone stronger than him and the hand held fast.
A second claw like hand emerged from the window, pushing through safety glass as if it was as thin and brittle as taunt rice paper, and grabbed hold of the window frame as red blood trickled from the hand against the brown interior of the RV. The face began to pull forward and the mouth of the bony face opened revealing a mouth full of pointed teeth, and a long tongue that lapped out hungrily as the body of the man inched forward towards Colby’s panicked face.
“No…” Elise Sr. whispered, her husband and her frozen in fear at the sight only a few yards in front of them.
Through the pale moonlight that shone into the camper, a shadow flickered from a corner of the RV. A combat boot flew into the light at an incredibly speed and intercepted the face of the starved looking man.
With an angry roar, the bearded man fell back outside as he lost his grip on both victim and window frame.
“Junior?!” Don exclaimed.
“Dad! Mom! Get out of here!” Elise responded, revealing herself in her full, belted, and combat duded glory.
Colby threw off the blanket that was covering him, leapt to his blue, footie pajama clad feet and, wrapped his arms around Elise, dragging her towards the back of the camper. “Elise! What are you doing here?! It’s not safe!”
“I’m saving you! Let go, moron! We should all be running towards the exits that are on the other side of the RV!” Elise shouted.
Don and Elise Sr. sat up out of bed. Don quickly put some boots on over his white and red pinstriped pajama bottoms that complimented his pajama shirt. Elise Sr. put her ugg boots on over her bare feet that sat under a white, silk nightgown. The two quickly grabbed coats hanging on the wall next to them and threw them on.
“Son, you better listen to her!” Don said.
With an inhuman growl, Hiram’s hungry face remerged in the broken window, and his hands flew out to grasp the frames once more, more glass quickly gave way under his thin, gaunt hands.
“LET GO OF ME, YOU IDIOT!” Elise screamed at Colby. “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ALL OF US KILLED.”
“No, Elise! I can’t let you face that monstOUCH!” Colby cried out as the heel of a black combat boot dug into his foot. He let go off Elise and stumbled backwards slightly.
In a swift movement, Elise raised both her hands. Her left fist swung behind her shoulder, it collided with Colby’s nose with an audible ‘Crack’. Her right hand held a boxy pistol that she leveled at Hiram’s face.
Hiram paused as he saw the weapon pointed directly at him and looked up at Elise with hungry, piercing, glowing eyes.
Elise paused as well. She stared into the face of her target. With a frustrated growl, she lowered the weapon slightly and let loose a series of shots into the vehicles wall, under Hiram’s face.
Hiram shrieked in pain and fell to the ground.
“Did…did you get him?” Elise Sr. choked out.
A low growl was heard from the ground.
“Apparently not enough! Grab that useless idiot clutching at his nose on the ground AND LET’S GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!”
Don and Elise Sr. bent down and pulled up an arm of Colby each who merely moaned in reply. The two draped Colby across their shoulders, rose to their feet, and carried Colby with them towards the front of the RV.
Elise quickly made her way to the side door, and promptly threw it open. She peaked outside, gun at the ready, pointed at where she thought Hiram would be.
A bloody patch of disturbed snow was all she found sitting under the broken RV window.
Elise turned back into the RV. “Dad, Mom! Go out the front of the RV and run!”
Elise Sr. and Don made their way past their daughter as Elise tentatively stepped onto the two metal steps that lead to the snowy ground. She jumped off the bottom step and spun her body so she faced the RV, eye and gun leveled at the dark underside.
Don opened the passenger side door to the RV and he, Colby, and Elise Sr. exited the vehicle.
Elise turned to them. “Go! I’ll cover USSAAAH!”
Clawed hands reached out and grabbed Elise by the ankles, they pulled her feet into the void of the underside of the RV.
“Junior!” Elise Sr. and Don cried in alarm.
Elise lowered her gun until the bottom of the grip was resting on her stomach and fired into the darkness. An inhuman sounding howl roared out and the vice like grip on her ankles subsided. Elise kicked her way free and rose to her feet.
Elise turned to her parents. “RUN!”
The two broke for the cabin as fast as they could holding the injured man between the,.
Elise quickly overtook them, and ran up the steps to the cabin porch.
She turned and pointed her gun out towards the RV, her eyes searching for any sign of movement.
She flinched as she heard the sound of a chainsaw coming to life from inside the cabin, and threw open the door.
‘THUD’
“Pinkie! Wait!” Elise pleaded.
Wait…what did the door just hit?
<*>
“Alright, everyone! Let’s dare to be stupid!” Pinkie shouted over the sound of her chainsaw.
Dan and Chris howled excited sounding war cries as Chris led the charge to the cabin door.
‘THUD’
The door flew open and smashed into Chris charging bulk who collapsed in a heap on the ground.
Dan and Pinkie paused as they stared at the very much alive Elise.
“Elise!” Pinkie exclaimed, releasing her grip on the chainsaw throttle. It quickly quieted down as Pinkie set it on the ground. “You’re alright!” Pinkie said excitedly, running over to Elise and giving the maroon haired girl a big hug.
“Hi, Pinkie!” Elise said with a smile, returning the hug with one hand as she kept her gun pointed outside.
Elise Sr. and Don quickly entered the cabin, dragging Colby with them.
“Oh, and everyone else is alright, too.” Pinkie mused. She sighed. “Oh well, life is not perfect.”
“Colby looks like whatever is out there did a number on him.” Dan mentioned with a joyful grin; caffeine, sugar, and chemicals coursing through his veins. “I guess that’s something.”
Elise quickly shut the door and peaked edged towards a window, moving the curtains out of the way and peaking outside. “Actually, I did that.”
Pinkie’s face lit up. “Awesome!”
“Where’s Chris?!” Elise said turning into the room and looking about frantically.
“Hi, honey…” a week voice called out from the floor.
“Chris! I’m so sorry!” Elise quickly lowered herself to the ground and helped her husband to his feet.
“It’s okay…” Chris dizzily offered. “We were going to rescue you! Both of you!” He added his head and eyes wobbling loosely.
Dan held out a thumbs up. “And here you are! Mission accomplished, Team Stupid!” Dan said happily.
“Hurray!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly throwing her arms up victoriously.
“Hurrayayayaya…” Chris added woozily.
Elise Sr. and Don deposited Colby on the loveseat.
“Oooo!” Chris and Colby have the same pajamas!” Pinkie giggled. “They’re twins!”
“And they both are sporting painful looking head wounds!” Dan added cheerfully.
Don sniffed the air, and leveled a glare at Pinkie Pie as he pointed towards the chainsaw. “Don’t tell me you started that thing inside!” He exclaimed with hints of anger creeping into his voice.
“Excuse me?!” Pinkie exclaimed as her eyes went wide and she stared back at Don. “The three of us where going to run out there to face that thing and you’re concerned because a little gasoline smell?!”
“It might take weeks to get the smell out of the drapes!” Elise Sr. whined.
“UUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!” Pinkie exclaimed to the ceiling as she threw her head back and her arms out. She lowered her head to look back at Don, Elise Sr. and Colby. “That is IT! No more Ms. Nice Pony! You three are the most self-centered, egotistical, insufferable people I have ever had the displeasure of meeting in my life!”
Don began to close the distance between him and Pinkie. “Now, listen here, you pink haired FREAK, I’ve put up with an awfGHK!” Don found himself interrupted as the air was knocked out of his lungs. Courtesy of a feminine hand that punched at full strength into his diaphragm. He collapsed to his knees as one of his hands stopped his descent and wheezed as he covered his stomach with his free arm.
Pinkie’s, Chris’s, and Dan’s jaws dropped and hung open as they looked at Elise who had quickly ran to intercept her father and deliver a painful looking blow into his belly.
“Junior!” Elise Sr. called out in surprise. “What are you doing!?”
“DON’T CALL ME JUNIOR!” Elise roared at her mother.
She leaned down and grabbed her father by his pinstriped pajama collar and locked violet eyes with his. “OPERATION GET RID OF CHRIS TWO?!” She screamed. “WHAT, PRAY TELL, WAS OPERATION GET RID OF CHRIS ONE?!”
Dan raised his hand excitedly. “Ooooo! Ooooo! I know! I know! They wanted to capture Chris and ship him off to a ball-bearing factory so you’d forget about him and marry Colby!” He explained.
“WHAT?!” Elise screamed.
“And that’s how I saved Christmas!” Dan exclaimed, a huge mad grin plastered on his face. “Or ended up in Siberia…I keep mixing those two up…”
Pinkie glanced at her sugar and caffeine high roommate, then looked at Chris. She pointed to Dan with her thumb. “Is this what I’m like?” She asked.
Chris nodded as the room and its occupants slowly came into focus. “Like…all the time.”
Pinkie grinned, hints of pensiveness hiding in the corners of her smile. “Uh, Dan? Let’s get some relaxing herbal tea in you. I think I may have over punched you.” Pinkie began walking towards the kitchen area.
“Yay! Tea is Awesoooome~!” Dan sang, bounding over to the stove.
Colby spoke up from his spot on the loveseat. “Now, Elise, your mom and dad just want what’s best for you.”
Elise Sr. and Don nodded in agreement.
“STOW THAT LINE OF NONSENSE THE THREE OF YOU!” Elise roared. “PINKIE’S RIGHT! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!” She brought her father forcefully to his feet and locked eyes with him once more. “You don’t even remember you have a son half the time!” Elise said accusingly as she held onto her father’s shirt.
“Of course I do!” Don said with a hurt expression. “He’s sitting right in front of the fireplace.”
Elise snarled and raised her knee into her father’s stomach, he collapsed to the ground once again as Elise fell on him and began raining blows on him.
“Dad!” Colby said as he rose to his feet and ran over.
Pinkie quickly bounded over from the kitchen and placed a pink pajama clad leg in Colby’s path.
Colby’s ankle ran into Pinkie’s leg and he went flailing towards the hardwood floor, landing nose first on the ground with a ‘crack’.
“Whoops! Silly me.” Pinkie said giggling to herself.
Colby merely moaned in reply.
“Junior…Elise! Stop that! That’s your father!” Elise Sr. called out in an alarmed tone.
Elise looked up from her pummeling long enough to shoot eyes full of angry laser beams at her mother and announced. “YOU’RE NEXT!” She quickly looked back down and continued her unrelenting attack.
Elise Sr. looked at the trio of still standing cabin occupants. “Don’t just stand there! DO SOMETHING!” She added.
“I AM doing something!” Pinkie responded. “I’m making tea!” She said with a smile.
On cue, the kettle began to whistle. “Oh! There we go!” Pinkie turned and walked back into the kitchen area.
Dan and Chris exchanged glances and shrugs.
“I think she wants us to help Elise!” Dan offered with a smile.
“Uhhh…” Chris began, “I think Elise is doing just fine on her own.”
Dan jumped up and down excitedly as he clapped his hands. “Ooooo! Ooooo! Maybe she wants us to offer moral support to her daughter!”
Chris smiled. “Works for me!” He turned to his wife. “Go Elise! Beat him senseless! Remember that he tried to trap me in a hole and exile me to another country!” He shouted at his wife.
“ERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Elise roared.
Don covered his face and chest with his arms as his daughter redoubled her efforts.
Elise Sr. piped up, “That’s not…”
“GO! Elise! Remember all the activities they forced you into!” Dan shouted. “Remember how they never let you go into dancing!”
Elise screamed with primal rage and continued assaulting her father.
Pinkie bounded over to Dan and Chris. “Ooooo! Ooooo! What are we doing now?”
Dan turned to Pinkie. “We’re giving Elise reasons to continue pummeling her father! Come on! It’s fun!” He answered in a chipper tone.
“Ooooooooooo! Neato-torpedo!” Pinkie responded excitedly. She turned to Elise. “Remember how your dad called me a lunatic, freak, and all kinds of nasty names!”
Elise moved her father’s hands away from his face and grabbed the sides of his head, raising it slightly so she was starting into his frightened eyes with her violet, rage filled, remorseless ones. “I’m going to smash your head against the floor until candy comes out!” She announced grimly.
Don gulped.
“Elise!” Elise Sr. pleaded. “Please! Stop!”
Elise looked up at her mother. “No! Not this time, you’ve both gone too far!”
Elise Sr. looked over towards Dan, Chris, and Pinkie once more. “Please! You have to help Don.”
The three looked at each other with blank expressions. They turned back to Elise Sr.
“Erm…why?” Pinkie asked in a mildly confused tone.
“Yeah, sorry, I think I have to draw the line somewhere.” Chris explained. “And I think attempted exile and murder is a pretty good place.”
Dan smiled and raised his hands in a shrug. “And I’m simply completely apathetic!”
“Uhhh…why…why...” Elise Sr. muttered. She glanced to the animal head trophy adorned wall as if one of the heads would speak an answer to her. Suddenly, she snapped a finger and turned back to the trio. “Because there’s probably still an axe murderer outside and we’re going to need to work together if we want to survive!”
Elise paused as she held a fist up parallel to her head, ready to punch her Dad’s face into the floor. “Ooops.”
Chris raised an eyebrow. “So it is Hiram?”
Elise let go of her father, stood up and nodded.
“Who’s Hiram?” Pinkie asked.
“A psychotic, deranged, cannibal that wanted to brutally torture Chris and I before eating us.” Dan paused. “Wait! How did you know it was Hiram?” He asked Chris with a suspicious tone.
“Uhh…” Chris looked away and trailed off.
Elise looked from side to side nervously. “I uh…was sort of sent here to find him…” She admitted sheepishly.
“Wait!” Dan exclaimed. “You knew this maniac might be out here and you took us on the trip anyways.”
“Erm…yes?” Elise offered in a worried tone.
Dan’s eyes narrowed. “Were we bait?”
Elise felt a deep pit in her stomach as shame completely enveloped her face. “Yes.” She muttered softly.
Dan and Pinkie exchanged a blank look that quickly gave way to giant, toothy smiles. “YAY! WE’RE USEFUL!” The announced as they held both their hands up high and slapped them against each other’s.
Elise stared at the pair with a confused expression. “Uhh…”
Just roll with it.
“Are these three still top of the ‘to be murdered’ list?” Pinkie asked Dan.
“With all the stunts they pulled?” Dan exclaimed. “It’s absatoovely, positively, amazinglyly that they’re even still alivee!” He said with a huge smile.
Pinkie shrugged. “Works for me!”
Elise took a calming breath and helped her father to his feet.
Don grimaced and held his bruised and battered torso. “When this is over, we’re going to have a long talk.” He said to his daughter.
Elise raised an eyebrow. “Like how I downloaded years’ worth of incriminating evidence to a flash drive and will probably only have long talks with any of you through a prison phone, if at all?”
Don and Elise Sr. exchanged worried expressions.
Don’s expression suddenly brightened. “You know what? Maybe now is a good time to bury the hatchet.” Don turned to Chris and opened his arms wide. “C’mere, son! Give your dad a hug!”
Chris grinned darkly and walked over towards Don, wrapping his arms around the older man’s injured torso and squeezing tightly. “I’ll get you for this.” Chris whispered.
“Uh, Chris? You’re squeezing me too hard.” Don said through the shooting pain in his ribs.
Chris responded by tightening his grip.
“Speaking of Hatchets,” Dan began, “Let’s see what ye ol’ axe murder is up to!”
“Nice segue.” Pinkie said with a smile holding out a fist.
“Thanks!” Dan replied happily, bumping his roomies fist with his own.
“Tra la la la la la la.” Dan sang as he bounded over to the window.
The group collectively raised their eyebrows at Dan’s behavior.
Chris let Don go and he and his wife meekly made their way to the couch and sat down.
“Oh! Tea!” Pinkie said, holding a palm up to her chest and dropping a fist into it. “Tra la la la la la la.” she sang as she bounded over to a set of steaming cups on the kitchen counter.
Dan walked up to the center of the curtains and happily threw them open. His smile quickly abandoned his face as surprise took over. “DUCK!” He called out, dropping to the floor.
Everyone complied with the exception of Pinkie, who turned away from the kitchen, mugs of steaming tea in her hands.
“Duck? Where?” She asked, looking from side to side.
‘Crash’
A wood chopping axe flew thru the window and spun through the air on a collision course for Pinkie’s head.
‘THONK’
Dan looked up towards his roommate. “Pinkie!” He yelled out in alarm.
“EEEEEAP!” Pinkie said as she crossed her eyes, examining the wooden axe handle in front of her face, managing to still hold onto several mugs of tea by their handles. She followed the handle up with her eyes, craning her head back until she was staring at the metal axe head which had lodged itself and a sizable amount of her pink curls in the cupboard over the stove. She looked over at Dan with a nervous smile. “Uh, Dan? Be a dear and help me out here. I’m quite stuck.” She informed.
Dan ran over to his roommate, and gripped the axe. He pulled back and the axe gave up its hold on hair and cupboard. Dan fell backwards, crashing towards the floor holding the axe.
Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks, Dan…Wait! Where are you going?!” Pinkie called as Dan rose to his feet and sprinted to the shattered window.
“HEY, SKINNY! YOU DROPPED SOMETHING!” Dan shouted, flinging the axe and flicking his wrist as he threw it, putting a nice spin on it.
The axe whizzed through the air and came to a sudden stop in Hiram’s chest.
“Nice throw, Dan!” Elise exclaimed.
Dan smiled. “It’s all in the wrist!” He announced proudly, raising his hand and flicking it out quickly.
Hiram merely grunted in replied, removed the axe from his chest, and readied it for another throw.
“DAN! Duck!” Elise called out. Dan turned and his eyes went wide as he dove for cover behind the window, the blade of the axe narrowly missing his head by a hairs width.
‘THONK’
“EEEEEAP!” Pinkie said as she crossed her eyes, examining the now familiar wooden axe handle in front of her face. Her eyes narrowed. “Why is it always me?!”
“Don’t worry, Pinkie! I’ll help!” Dan announced. He ran over to his roommate, and gripped the axe. He pulled back and the axe gave up its hold on hair and cupboard. Dan fell backwards, crashing towards the floor holding the axe.
Pinkie breathed another sigh of relief. “Thanks, Dan…NO! STOP!” She cried, as Dan once again sprinted towards the broken window.
“HEY, MANGY BEARD! YOU DROPPED…” Dan felt a hand on the axe and looked up to see Chris holding the handle.
“Dan, stop giving the maniac back his axe!” Chris exclaimed in a panicked tone.
“Oh…right.” Dan replied.
“I can smell your fear!” Hiram replied eerily from in front of the cabin porch, his eyes glowing in the darkness of the cold, cold night.
Dan looked out the broken window and rubbed his chin as Pinkie walked up and held a hand with two cups of steaming tea in front of him.
“Thank you, bestest best buddy!” Dan said with a smile as he took one of the mugs.
“You’re welcome, bestest best buddy!” Pinkie replied, mirroring the smile. She handed Chris the other mug of tea in her hand and looked outside. “Are his eyes glowing…is he licking the air with a giant tongue?” She asked knitting her brow as she examined the rail thin man outside.
Dan sipped his tea and looked back to Hiram who had begun sticking his hands on open air and licking it on a plane parallel to his palms; like a mime might do if it was trapped in a particularly tasty invisible box. A tattered and shredded light brown shirt hung loosely off Hiram’s shoulders. Equally tattered and shredded trousers dangled loosely around Hiram’s waist and legs, held up only by a pair of suspenders.
“He’s possessed.” Dan murmured.
Pinkie’s face lit up. “Really! So all those charms outside are keeping him from entering the cabin?!” She asked excitedly.
Dan held up a palm towards Pinkie. “Yeppers!” He announced proudly.
Pinkie and Dan exchanged an enthusiastic high-five with each other.
“HA!” Pinkie turned to Don. “In your face, Don.”
Don sighed loudly. “He’s not possessed! He’s probably just hopped up on a PCP or something.” He announced as he flung his arms out and looked towards the ceiling.
“Right, because PCP would totally make your eyes glow in the dark.” Chris responded rolling his eyes.
Pinkie handed Elise a cup of tea, leaving Pinkie with a final mug for herself.
Colby finally rose to his feet, a red stream of blood caked around his nose. “This is ridiculous!” He announced. “We’ll all cowering in fear over one unarmed, starving man.”
Elise, Dan, Pinkie, and Chris all exchanged glances with each other as Elise Sr. got up and walked to the kitchen, grabbing some paper towels and wetting a few.
“We’re not cowering.” Dan protested. “We’re just prioritizing watching Elise beating the snot out of her dad, drinking tea, and figuring out what that thingy out there is before we do something stupid…” Dan glanced up for a second, then back at Colby. “…again.”
Pinkie looked over Colby, Don, and Elise Sr. “Do you three want tea? I made enough for everyone whether they deserve it or not.” She explained.
“It’s just some drug fueled crazy who apparently hasn’t eaten in weeks!” Colby insisted as Elise Sr. handed him some damp paper towels to clean his face with. “I’ve wrestled a 300 pound gorilla! I bet I can take that guy out in a matter of seconds!”
Pinkie sipped her tea. “Colby, I really think you should calm down and have some nice, herbal tea.” Pinkie smiled. “It’s chamomile~!” She sang out.
Elise crossed her arms and rolled her eyes at Colby. “Colby, sit down.” Elise instructed. “We just need to figure this out before anyone runs out to do something moronic.”
“No, Elise! A real man acts, a real man takes charge, a real man faces danger head on!” Colby retorted dramatically.
“Do real men, wear dorky looking footy pajamas?” Dan asked. “Because there’s two guys wearing those in here.” Dan pointed out.
Colby looked at Dan with a fiery determination. “These are the trappings of a man! And I’ve earned them through my many, manly exploits! Unlike some people who are also in here and named Chris!”
“Heeey!” Chris protested.
“Elise, just let him go.” Pinkie said, putting a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Claiming footy pajamas are some sort of symbol of manly pride is going to make for some hilarious last words.” She added with a grin.
Elise pondered this for a second.
Colby went up to Elise and lifted her chin, so she was looking up into his sky-blue eyes with her violet ones. “Elise, I need to protect you, because you can’t protect yourself. It’s far too dangerous for you to go out there. You would get hurt, or worse. Without me, you don’t stand a chance of making it.”
Elise’s eyes went wide. “You know what, Colby? You’re right! Go out there and show that maniac what for.” She said, faking a huge smile as she swung in enthusiastic fist in front of her chest.
Colby smiled and nodded as he headed for the door.
“Kick his ass, son!” Elise Sr. called out.
“You bet, mom!” Colby responded.
“Show him what team Real Man is made of!”
“Of course, dad!” Colby turned and gave his dad a huge smile, of glinting white teeth and a thumbs up before turning towards the door once more.
Pinkie turned to Don. “I betcha one hundred dollars Colby is a corpse within 30 seconds.”
Don’s eyes narrowed. “You’re on, crazy.”
Colby threw open the door to the cabin, and resolutely made his way onto the porch and down the steps. Footy pajamas stomping powerfully against the wood.
The occupants of the cabin walked towards the shattered window to watch the fight unfold.
Hiram paused and shuffled over in front of Colby at the base of the cabin stairs.
Colby stood tall at the top of the porch.
“Alright, killer! You’ve terrorized Don, Elise Sr. her daughter, and me!” Colby cried. “Let’s end this!”
“Hey! What are we? Chopped liver?” Dan cried.
Hiram began a low, growl as he regarded Colby with his glowing, feral eyes.
“Taste the power of a real man!” Colby cried as he cleared the first three cabin stairs in two giant steps and threw his weight into a punch that collided solidly with Hiram’s face and left the haggard and hungry axe murderer…
…
…angrier.
Hiram grabbed Colby’s still outstretched arm in his claw like hands and flung the muscular blond man over his head.
The next thing Colby felt was the bone chilling cold of the night as he flew through the sky briefly, followed by the loosely packed snow, then the hard ground under it. Next thing he knew, sharp teeth sunk into his throat and came back up with a substantial chunk of it.
“COLBY!” Elise Sr. and Don cried out in a terrified tone.
Elise Sr. buried her face in her husband’s chest.
Chris cringed and closed his eyes.
Elise watched with an almost detached look on her face.
“He tasted the power, alright.” Dan said as he sipped his tea.
“HA! Good one!” Pinkie replied, holding out her palm at face level.
Dan smiled and gave his roommate another high five.
“This is great tea, by the way! Very relaxing.” Dan said with a content smile.
“Thank you, Dan!” Pinkie said, closing her eyes and smiling. She turned to Don. “Alright, pay up.”
Don glared at her. “We don’t know if he’s dead, yet!” He argued.
“Right, because people often survive having their throat ripped out.” Dan said flatly.
“Really?” Pinkie asked with a raised eyebrow.
Dan sipped his tea. “No, not at all.”
“Shhhhhh!” Elise shushed the group as she looked over at Hiram. “Something’s happening.”
Hiram inhaled deep breaths more animal than human. Thin, brown fur began to grow on his face and hands as his body expanded outward in all directions, destroying his already ragged shirt as the suspenders snapped from the stress of being over stretched. Soon the body of an emaciated man was replaced with that of a thin, towering beast with a face like a bearded skull wrapped in tight, leathery skin and a giant mouth full of razor sharp teeth; and hands of long, slender claw like fingers that ended in several inch long, jagged nails. The arms and legs of the monster resembled something closer to bumpy, fleshy poles, attached to a thin fur and tight skin covered ribcage. The tattered brown pants remained, but now hanged loose from the creature’s thin waist. It stood on huge, flat reptilian looking feet.
The creature looked at the occupants of the cabin and gave a piercing howl that sent terror into the very souls of Don and Elise Sr.
“Oh, that can’t be good.” Chris muttered.
Elise looked over to her husband and then past him to Dan and Pinkie. “You three are taking this remarkably well.”
“I think I’m still riding a crazy caffeine and sugar high.” Chris explained turning to his wife. Though, the terror on his face showed he was not completely unfazed.
“You should drink some tea, buddy.” Dan said with a smile. “It’s soothing.”
Chris brought the shaky mug of tea to his lips and sipped it. Suddenly his demeanor changed as his face and body relaxed. “Hmmm…that is soothing!”
Elise looked at Pinkie. “Let me guess, ‘tea’?” She asked.
Pinkie smiled. “Nope! Creepy howls can’t hurt us Elise! It’s what’s making the creepy howls that could potentially rip us all limb from limb!” Pinkie explained joyfully.
Elise took a sip as the monster started frustratingly growling and clawing at open air inches from the cabin. “This is really good, Pinkie!” She announced with a smile.
Pinkie beamed. She looked over at the cowering couple at the end of the group. “Are you two sure you don’t want any tea?”
“WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” Don shrieked.
“Fine. No tea for you,” Pinkie said.
With a final frustrated growl, the monster turned back to the body of Colby. Swept it into its rail like arms and fingers, raised it to its razor sharp teeth, and began tearing at pajamas and flesh as it consumed the limp corpse.
“Yep,” Chris began, “Gonna have nightmares of this for months and months to come,” he declared, calmly taking another sip of tea.
Dan and Elise examined the beast carefully in-between sips of tea. Slowly, a smile spread across both their faces.
“Wendigo,” They said in unison.
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The story that is right above this one on the updated story list is quite an interesting coincidence given what happened this chapter.
QUICK, Call the Winchesters! Or give Pinkie a canon, whichever.
I don't get one thing though, why do you insist on mentioning each and every time that Pinkie always has pink nail polish applied? I think we got that after the first 1,000,000 times that was stated
3442654
Fair enough.
3442930 I'm not saying stop doing it (it's entertaining now), I'm asking what drove you to start doing that in the first place. Some kind of fetish?
3442951
Heh.
Nail polish isn't a huge turn on for me or anything...I think...
I think it's because I tend to describe what the characters are doing with their arms and hands a lot to communicate body language, so I sort of tack it on without thinking about it when I write about Pinkie's hands.
3443024
Well actually it's pretty adorable when you describe "slender feminine hands with pink nail polish" so keep doing what you're doing
*evil chuckle* Colby is getting eaten.
How would Dan and Elise know about Windigos? Windigos are a pun of "wind" and "Wendgio", and are from Equestra. Wendigos are man-eating half-monster creatures from Native American mythology.
3443261
There's lots of accepted alternative spellings. I considered changing the spelling last night since "Wendigo" is the most widely used it seems, but Windigo is also an accepted spelling for the cannibalistic monster we have here.
Edit: Though, I may change it still now that you brought it up, since it would make a nice visual cue as to when I'm discussing the monster here and when I'm talking about the MLP creature.
welp... good riddance there concerning Colby... now they need either silver based weaponry or fire... hopefully Dan and Pinkie brought something silver based with them... actually, they probably did
3443489
I'm not sure if silver works on Wendigos, at least, I haven't seen any official source saying it does.
According to my copy of The Supernatural Book of Monsters, Spirits, Demons, and Ghouls (
) Silver or Iron against the frozen heart would work in the Supernatural universe, though, none of my other reference materials suggest this (which would make sense, as Native Americans wouldn't have access to either iron or silver until settlers arrived.)
That being said, the "icy heart" is part of Wendigo lore and there are methods described as to how it's a sort of weakness.
Edit: Also, yes, yes they did. Dan is crazy prepare simply because he assumed this would happen just because they're out in the woods and according to movies, this is just what happens out there.
3443511 I took that from 'Supernatural' lore, as the Winchester brothers have encountered, at the very least, one, and several have been mentioned, and have been killed with using fire and/or silver tipped arrows, but that is just one version of the monster
3443568
No worries. I figured as much.
Supernatural has some great lore regarding how to deal with beasties, though they tend to lean towards salt, silver, and setting things on fire for solving all their problems.
Funny how about 50% of the episodes it turns out that's not enough and they have to do more research or figure out they haven't set the right thing on fire.
3443606 yeah, until you get to the part of the series where the baddies are immune to all forms of death except decapitation and drowning(the Leviathans) or their own weaponry(the Angels)
they really like their fire, silver and salt though don't they? seems like the universal cure-all to me
3444172
In their defense, they sort of are in mythology as well. Salt is considered something that purifies so it comes up in many cultures. It's even used in making holy water.
Silver is associated with the Moon, and since undead and various other creatures are as well, it's often part of lore that silver is an effective weapon against many things.
And fire simply consumes everything without fail. So it seems popular to just say "And if none of those things work, just set it on fire."
3444188 guess that's why the sentence 'kill it with fire' is said near things that are spawned by the devil
giant spider that wants to eat you? kill it with fire! (preferably used in conjunction with 'before it lays eggs'
those hideous 'baby pony' doll things? kill it with fire!
evil monsters literally spawned by Satan? kill it with fire!
Justin Bieber? KILL IT WITH FUCKING FIRE BEFORE IT BREEDS! NAO!
3445858
Heh.
It's also a nod to Dan Vs. The Family Camping Trip where Don is forced to hug Chris, except I flipped the lines around.
But yeah, tensions are pretty high. Chris definitely has his limits.
So Colby decided to charge in and threaten what could clearly be seen as a no-sh*t monster transmogrified from a man. Despite the fact it was twice his size, had razor sharp claws, and he had no idea whatever what it was or any special considerations needed to kill it. And he was wearing footie Pajamas.
And the Darwin Award goes to.....
I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to draw this scene...
It's goin' on my list!
Feels a little ooc for Pinkie to be so unfazed over the death of Colby even though he was a scumbag. Could be attributed to her gradual desensitization to violence in Dan's world or that fact Colby is a minor character or well...you know
Still....
3444242
Dude, leave Bieber alone. For that matter, leave Rebecca Black alone. I don't know what it is about average, run of the mill corporate pre-packaged teenage bubble gum pop that made people hate Beiber and Black specifically, but honestly, this hate rhetoric towards them is getting pretty old.
Did Beiber eventually become an even worse version of Marky Mark and Vanilla Ice as he got older? Yeah, but the thing about him is that he got the hate EARLY from clowns like you whose willies get bigger from singling out little 12 year old boys whose music is 'eh' and 'meh' and I'm starting to think that if he didn't get all of that hate so early, that he maybe may have gotten out of the Hollywood machine in more or less in one piece like Hillary Duff or Tamara Moiri from sister sister.
I know this may come off as sounding way too serious to you, but darn it, I've stayed silent long enough on the subject of Beiber and Black thinking rather naively that people wouldn't be so cruel, even on the internet, to REALLY hate him and her that much and darn it, I'm stomping my foot down here!
3543734
And here I thought the cruelty of social-Darwinism died with the nazis and soviets...though admittedly, now that I think about it, the Kims, Chi-Coms, Cubans, and other hammer and sickle type nations still have it going on in some form or another...so maybe it's still relevant today. I apologize.
3780459
Hey Justice, you got an adequate response to this possibly big complaint here?
3780459
3795848
Honestly, KelG13 already listed the reasons Pinkie might not be that phased by it. Pinkie is a bit desensitized at this point and was having a good time until Colby and Elise's parents showed up.
I guess one thing I'd add is that she and Dan had sort of put their genre savvy heads together and already figured out Colby would probably be the first to go if things got out of hand, which they also sort of assumed was inevitable. So, part of her feelings here are likely influenced by the idea that Colby is a corpse waiting to happen.
A combat boot flew into the light at an incredibly speed
"incredible"
Elise rose both her hands.
"raised"
Her left fist and swung it behind her, it collided with Colby’s nose and an audible ‘Crack’.
Not sure what's happening here. Also "made" and audible crack?
Elise quickly made her way to the side door, and quickly threw it open.
You could change one of these to "swiftly" or "promptly."
It quickly quieted down as Pinkie sat it on the ground.
"set"
“Dad!” Colby said raising to his feet and running over.
"rising"
and began tearing at pajamas and flesh at it consumed the limp corpse.
"as"
Good chapter. It was a little dark, but eh.
3907477
Fixed! Thanks!
It's interesting going over these older chapters and seeing a few spike in regards to how many views they have.
Guessing a few are more popular than others.
You had Pinkie quote a Weird Al song way before Cheese Sandwich existed...psychic.
sooooooo.......... I noticed that this story is missing a mature tag, I mean a guy just had his throat ripped out, kinda really need to put the tag in just in case so anyone with a delicate sensibility doesn't complain.
Also, great story so far, really enjoying it.
4079948 haa it wasn't too explicit so no need for mature tag
but to be certain that nobody sensible will be traumatize ever i will gave this commenting section the space monkey approval
i176.photobucket.com/albums/w197/hpgiswom/SpaceMonkeySpokespersondcopy.jpg
You know its official because its a monkey, with a space costume!
So, I've been marathoning this...
Wendigo, one of my favorite creatures! I had a feeling the instand they mentioned the cannibalism and the skinny body + unending hunger!
I'ma not stop reading!
3442219
Supernatural reference.
ALL OF MY YES!
4079948 but he's a guy nobody gives a shit about and would gladly see him die. So really it's like a slice of life fic.
1:56. 1:56. Up since three this morning. WEAK!!! SLEEP IS FOR PUSSIES AND ANTI BRONIES!!!
Oh shit.
I highly applaud Elise's actions in this chapter. While the Good Book (*snort*) says 'honor thy father', I don't think it takes into account 'thy father' being a right asshole. It was immensely gratifying seeing Elise put that bitch and those two bastards in their place.
Pinkie's getting weirder and weirder.
No! Don't do it! IT'LL BE THOSE NASTY SOUR BALL THINGS NOBODY REALLY LIKES!!
Oh my god, he's lapsed into Pinkspeak.
OUCH! SICK burn!
Oh my GOD, what a sexist retard.
WOO-HOO! I was hoping he'd die a horrible, grisly death!
3795837 Personally, my only reason is this: I judge an artist by their character, their actions, and their work, just like anyone else. His character: Meh, so-so. His actions: threatening paparazzi and hurting fans physically.(Though the former deserve it.) His work: not a fan in the slightest. So he scores a .5/3 on my scale, and therefore, I don't tolerate him. Plus, his fanbase is the most annoying one this side of the Sonic fanbase. The Guardian of Air has spoken!
"holding the injured man between the,."
Did you mean between them?
This story needs more danpie fluff.
Also, if you don't make a kissing scene I'm unna beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Thank you for (hopefully) putting up with this.
Also, I can understand it if you report me.
Double also, sorry for the ship name. I'm not sure what it's called and that was the closest thing to grasp in my tired mind.
4572490
Report you?
Not sure if you noticed, but there's a lot of not so kind comments about the ship teasing around these chapters. 
Huh... a few mistakes seemed to stick that were mentioned by Spanner 21 weeks ago and Whats your point about near 3 weeks ago.
Colby Screamed
as if it was as thin and brittle as taunt rice paper,
A combat boot flew into the light at an incredibly speed
She peaked outside, gun at the ready
The two broke for the cabin as fast as they could holding the injured man between the,.
the three of us where going to run out there
Now, Elise, your mom and dad
A wood chopping axe flew thru the window
who had begun sticking his hands on open air and licking it
We’ll all cowering in fear over one unarmed, starving man
1. Extra capitalisation.
2. Taut. Also, get rid of that comma at the end.
3. Mentioned by Spanner. I think you forgot to press save when you edited. Time to go for... LUDICROUS SPEED! (cheers if you get the reference)
4. Peeked.
5. Between the... what? Them? Chainsaws? Bottles of acid?
6. Were.
7. Get rid of this first comma.
8. Through. I know bouth mean the same but I don't accept this spelling form, not one bit.
9. I would maybe say At open air.
10. We're.
Thank everything that we have one less sexist bastard that obviously knows nothing about danger and the fact that he couldn't get out of the same guys death grip not two minutes ago in the RV with his 'immense strength of ten men'. A lot of good that does against the supernatural. And Pinkie.
3444188 Fire is also considered to be a symbol of the sun, and there are all sorts of monsters and beasties that only come out at night. So it kills on a physical and spiritual level!
I know it's for the sake of comedy... But I personally don't enjoy seeing Pinkie so untouched by danger, violence and death :-/ ...
Aaahh, a Wendigo.*snaps finger*
If a recall it corect, a the first Wendigo was a inuit hunter that in order to survive, killed and ate his hunting buddy. For that, he was cursed to become a bloodthirsty monster with eyes literaly swimming in blood, a frozen heart, the face of a beast and an unending hunger for human flesh.
My, marathoning this is fun. One unimportant character death later— and welcome to the discordant world of Dan and Pinkie Pie~
Oh sure, kill that Mary-Sue OC that no one likes and is being shipped with a main character, but Flash Sentry's just fine....
5655005 Coldby's not actually an OC. He's in DanVs. I hated him. And for a male character, it 'Gary Stu.' Just, thought I'd let you know.
I am soooooooo glad you killed him off