• Published 11th Sep 2013
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The Wheel and the Butterfly A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga - Justice3442



Pinkie Pie finds herself adjusting to a new, hostile world, with a new hostile friend. Can they make it through this new misadventure together, or is it the universe that needs to watch out for them?

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Part 18 Dan, Pinkie, & Ash Vs. Deadites: Chapter 170 : Dan Vs. Deadite Butt Molecules

Red lightning tore through the air in a whirlwind as if it was created from nothing and then disappeared into nothing leaving behind six men and women who were all in various states of being pissed off, agitated, or simply hellbent.

Their 'drop point' was the same courtyard that the group had planned to fight their way through and the mangled, shambling and ARMED corpses that gave them them rictus grins and made catcalls at the ladies where letting them know that the open area was every bit the kill box it seemed like before Dan accidentally teleported the group away.

However, the mad look across the half-dozen heroes/anti-heroes made it clear that they weren't surrounded, it was the deadites that were trapped with them.

Guns on both sides were drawn, aimed—

'Pop!'

Five of the rag-tag band blinked in confusion as their enemies suddenly... popped into—

Pinkie gasped, "DAN! Did you use your powers to turn all the Deadites into confetti?!"

His normally permanent scowl now replaced be a glazed overlook of bliss, Dan replied with a wistful, "All for you, Pinkie... Happy Birthday, Elle..."

Elle raised her one visible brow. "It's not my..." she scrunched up her lips. "Wait, what day is it again?” She rubbed her forehead adding, “Time travel is confusing."

Ash turned a palm upwards. "Can he just TURN everything that's trying to kill us into confetti now? I mean, I'm terrified that THAT gremlin of a man just has that ability, but it does kind of make our odds of survival look a hell of a lot better."

Dan's eyes rolled back into his head as he began to sway from side to side. Pinkie, Chris, and Elle all rushed over to his side not sure which one might need to catch him. "Do you know how many molecules are just in a butt?!"

“It’s a shitload!” Pinkie quipped with a smile as Elle let out a guffaw of laughter.

“Damnit, Pinkie! I wanted numbers, not a cheap crack!” Dan snapped as his eyes attempted and failed to focus on the trench coat clad woman with pink hair.

Elle chimed in this time, “But the crack’s where the shitload comes from!”

Dan grit his teeth, but as he lined up another shout of outrage, the blood rushing to his head only succeeded in rushing him to unconsciousness.

Applejack took a long inhale than let it out, "Welp... Plan 'change all the zombies' into the aftermath of a New Year’s party has some kinks..."

Pinkie and Chris began to nervously fawn over the barely coherent Dan while Elle's eye darted back and forth as if she was searching her brain for something,

"Oh, yeah..." Elle said. "Dad's powers tend to... well... not take a lot OUT of him, per se, but more like... Overfilling a Megaslush cup..."

Pinkie sprung to her feet, leaving a surprised Chris to take hold of Dan who was seemingly counting stars in the sky that had been blotted out by grey-black clouds. "And you didn't think to tell us this, why?!" she shrilled.

Elle gave Pinkie a blank look. "Because it didn't come up until just now?"

"GrrrhhhhhaaaaaaHHHHHHH!" Pinkie roared at the heavens. "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A—" Pinkie stopped herself abruptly and took a deep breath.

Elle's single steel blue eye began to tear up and a look of genuine hurt and sadness came over her as her chest began to heave. "...Pest? Bother?" Elle swallowed. "Disappointment?"

It was so silent that one could hear the sound of oncoming apocalypse fire off from the building several yards out.

"Three thousand-Nine hundred-Seventy-Six, Three thousand-Nine hundred-Seventy-Seven..."

And Dan who was still counting.

Pinkie fixed Elle with an intense stare and marched over to the girl.

Elle's look changed from one of deep despair to hopeless dread, like she was staring down a freight train that might actually have the power to kill her for a change.

Pinkie stood toe to toe with Elle, locked her sky blue eyes with Elle's one steel-blue eyes...

...and took her in a tight embrace.

"HAHAHAHA!" Pinkie cried out. "You're a ME, you're such a ME!"

Confused, Elle slowly returned the hug as Pinkie continued to unload emotion.

"And... and I get it now! Hahahahah!" Tears welled up in Pinkie's eyes. "And I... I get it now... I kind of get ME now, but I..." Pinkie sniffed as she leaned away from Elle enough to look her daughter top to bottom. "And... and I see that now..."

A mangled smile hit Elle's face like a sack of potatoes.

Pinkie continued, her tone becoming more forlorn. "and I... sniff ... I didn't get to have you... and—" she took a deep breath "—it's just not fair..."

'Crash!'

"Speaking of unfair," Chris said in an oddly dry tone. "The deadite horde has regrouped."

Ash and Applejack exchanged smirks and both leveled firearms at mass of wailing, yelling, and catcalling undead that poured out the double doors of the Civic Center.

Ash snorted. "I love it when they bunch up."

Applejack chuckled. "Just like shootin' fish in a barrel."

Pinkie gasped. "A COUNTRYISM! APPLEJACK DID A COUNTRYISM and AH!" Pinkie turned to Elle with a fright. "Sorry! We were having a moment!"

Elle threw back her head and laughed. "Oh, we're still having it!" she said as the sounds of gunfire roared out and the undead began to scream and complain about their variant bits being blown off.

"Nine thousand and one!" Dan shouted as he got up to his feet with a mad smirk.

Chris blinked a few times. "You skipped some numbers... Quite a bit, in fact."

Dan cackled. "It started to become a lot faster to skip through entire galaxies."

Chris crinkled his head in confusion. "What?" He glanced over at Elle for an explanation.

Elle tossed her hands up into the air dramatically. "I'M NOT AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR HOW MY DAD'S POWER'S WORK, OKAY?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MINE WORK, EXACTLY!"

"HEY!" Ash shouted out as the jeers of the deadites became louder and the errant return fire bullets became increasingly too close for comfort. "THIS IS GETTING LESS FUN ON ACCOUNT THAT WE DON'T HAVE MAGIC GUNS WITH UNLIMITED BULLETS!"

Elle rolled her eyes and grunted in displeasure. She reached up and under her eyepatch where her hand disappeared in a spiral galaxy-shaped amethyst glow and pulled out a several-feet long, rectangular-shaped chrome firearm that ended in a cone shaped aperture that all but screamed 'area in front of GUN unmaker' and another firearm of a similar aesthetic that had more of a compact rifle look to it. Holding the first firearm in the crock of her left arm, she casually let loose a volley of energy projectiles clearly designed to remove matter from itself in bowling ball-sized chunks upon impact. Ash's jaw about unhinged from his skull as Elle handed him the first weapon. "Make sure you hate or are at least completely indifferent to literally all the things in front of this for a couple dozen meters because it's designed to combust and melt all the things. Like… all of them, you know?"

Ash cocked an eyebrow. "What about things that aren't flammable, you know, like steel beams?"

Elle smirked. "You got me, the gun only works on things that have a melting point and vaporizing point, so you know... solids and liquids. Useless on everything else."

The speed at which Ash pointed, aimed, and fired was something beyond human, as were the sounds of the deadites in the first few rows of the onslaught who managed to keep enough of their bodies to make a scream. “THIS IS REVENGE FOR ALL THE OVERCOOKED BURRITOS YOU OFFICE MONKEYS HAVE PROBABLY NUKED IN YOUR MICROWAVES!”

Applejack eyed the other weapon Elle was carrying hungrily. "Uh, can I—"

Elle unceremoniously handed Applejack the rifle. "Just remember these things will stop working in a solid few... millennium, so uh... Let's have things wrapped up by then."

A look of pure, disbelieving bliss came across Applejack's face as she turned and pointed her weapon. "Oh, thank you, God!"

Elle turned, and snorted out a laugh. "Yeah, I don't think God had a lot to do with either of those weapons —OW!"

Pinkie let out a sound of panicked distress as blood began to pour out of a hole in Elle's leather coat. Elle grimaced in pain and placed a palm over her coat. "Aw, man! I really liked this coat—OW!" Another hole speared in Elle's abdomen; it likewise began to leak with a viscous red liquid.

"SToOoOoOoOoOoOoOp getting shot!" Pinkie pleaded.

Chris glanced at Dan. "Dan, I know you're new to the 'being an angry magic man' thing, but could you maybe—" A few errant shots hit the dirt around Dan and Chris "—magic up some cover?"

Dan sneered. "How do you think my powers work?!" He glanced around and motioned towards the damaged and destroyed cars littering the street a few dozens meters behind the group. "I just get UPSET enough that I start moving stuff with my MIND?!" he asked as several of the cars disappeared in red flashes and materialized around the group forming a sort of smashed and shot up station wagon circle.

"Yes," Chris answered simply as he glanced at his new, seemingly safer surroundings.

Dan nodded. "Just so long as we're clear on the matter." He leaned his head past the lanky frame of his best friend. "Hey! Goofball jr.!"

Elle responded with a sound high pitched squeal that was scientifically the exact wavelength at which joy is spontaneously introduced into an otherwise vacuous state. "Ye-yes, dad?!"

Dan smirked. "Think you can clear out some of the shooters from the windows?"

Elle's face went blank and her eye began darting around as thoughts raced behind her head. "Well, it'd take a long time to SNIPE them but..." a sudden, manic smile crafted only of the promise of carnage to come crossed Elle's beautifully sharp features and with a flourish of her left then right hand across her eyepatch as if she was performing a magic trick she produced a blood splattered crowbar in one hand , and a large wooden mallet that was likewise stained brown-red in places.

With a glee resembling a child being released to recess after many hours of classes, Elle rushed the first occupied window, her chest being perforated repeatedly as she charged, and chortled as she smashed both bludgeoning instruments into the fully tactically equipped deadite who managed a quick, "Oh, Satan! Why did you make it so my undead body could still feel PAIN!" before sickly sound of a skull being crushed could be heard.

Pinkie watched Elle's merry jaunt with a contorted look of pure maternal horror. "I would like to lodge several formal protests about the absolutely everything I just witnessed."

"Goofball Sr.—"

"I have another complaint to add!"

Dan took a step up to Pinkie and gently grasped her shoulders as he looked up at her with a wry grin. "I need you to get your head in the game."

"Oh!" Pinkie replied, her sky-blue eyes widening briefly. She reached into her mass of curls and pulled out her pink crowbar and a stick of dynamite. "I have a crowbar and high explosives." She frowned heavily. "I'm a lot more... perishable than our alternative timeline future daughter, though, and I don't mean my expiration date." Pinkie closed her eyes as her nose crinkled. "Also, I kinda don't want to explode a building WHILE Elle is in there even if there's like... a 95% chance she'll emerge from the wreckage and scream 'again'!"

"HAH!" Dan cried. "Alternative future dad Dan must have blown up at least one hundred buildings with her inside it for funzies!"

Chris pursed his lips for a moment and thought. "That tracks."

"... WHAT?!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Dan, that's insa—!"

Dan reached up and gently caressed one of Pinkie's cheeks.

"Uh... hi... handsome?!" Pinkie replied in confusion as her eyes darted out at crescendo of energy weapon-based violence and the cracks of bones and screams of pain that someone sounded past that and the mad cackles of a voice early similar to her own.

"You're adorable."

Pinkie managed a confused smile. "Th-thanks? But uh..." Pinkie pointed off in the direction of the aforementioned wanton destruction. "Bat—"

Dan gripped Pinkie's shoulders and forcefully pulled down on them as he reared his head back. "But I need the other girl." Dan began to swing his head forward but heard the, expected but early, sound of a balloon deflating. Before he could gather his wits about him, hands had reached up to grab the side of his head and something hot and moist was pressed against his lips followed by ANOTHER hot most thing being shoved into his mouth. He'd recognize the lips and tongue anywhere but the force at which the kiss was applied was something completely foreign.

"Well, why didn't you just say so?!" Pinkamena said.

Dan took a moment to take in the abrupt transformation his love had gone through. Her hair was now completely straight and her normally even baseline joyous expression has been replaced with something that smiled with malicious intent, however he noted with no amount of small relief, that the woman in front of him was still looking at him with eyes filled with love... just a rather different flavor. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay, I need you to—"

'KAAAAABOOOOOOM!'

The atmosphere of the group changed immediately as the building in front of them was completely annihilated by a massive red beam of energy that fired off into the sky and turned foreboding overcast clouds into pitch-black swirling masses that crackled with energy and glowed unearthly shades of red, blues, and purples.

"I DIDN'T DO IT! I DIDN'T DO IT!" Elle exclaimed as she came running back to the relative safety of the smashed vehicle fort. "Totally not my fault!"

Chris gave Elle a dry look. "Technically this is all your fault."

"I..." Elle thought for a moment. "Damnit!"

Ash and Applejack ceased fire, their targets likely dust at this point anyhow. Ash slung his gun over his shoulder. "I uh... guess we figure out a way to get into the Hell pit and hope more liberal use of video game weapons solves our problems."

Elle pointed an index finger at Ash. "You would be amazed at how often that works."

Ash looked at Dan. "Well Scotty? Ready to beam us down?"

Dan closed his eyes and let out a frustrated growl.

Applejack let out a deep sigh. "That sounded like the opposite of a yes," she glanced at Pinkamena grimaced, and tacked on a, "I tell ya what."

Pinkamena raised an eyebrow. "Tell me what, what?"

"Uh... what?" Applejack responded simply.

Pinkamena raised a palm upwards. "What are you going to tell me?"

Applejack huffed out a frustrated breath. "I was tryin' to country it up for your benefit!"

"Oh..." Pinkamena replied. "Why would I care?"

Applejack smacked a palm against her face. "Ya know what, it's fine. We're gonna all die anyway."

Immediately Elle's eyes shot open and her chest headed up and down as she fearfully looked over her parents.

Dan rushed over and took Elle in a loving embrace as the girl immediately broke into tears. "Hey, Satan's glorious middle finger to southern stereotypes. You get ONE pass because I like you that much and you JUST spent it."

Applejack took a moment to look over the scene in front of her. "Yeah, I reckon so..." she uttered.

Chris took in a deep breath and let it out. “No teleport?”

Dan growled. “Yeah, it turns out magical molecules are seemingly made of actual, tiny fairies, that are, in TURN, made of more fairies that are… look, it’s fairies all the way down, Chris! I don’t know how anyone can even work with that.”

Chris closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said evenly before turning and wandering away.

Pinkamena's eyes darted every which way across her eyes. "Huh... Oh... okay... I erm..." She turned to Dan. "So uh... I need you to do that thing you were GOING to do to me now but that I stopped because the first thing seemed like it was going to be unpleasant."

Elle loosened her grip on Dan as he raised an eyebrow. "Sucker headbutt you?"

Pinkamena nodded. "Yeah, but like... REALLY let me have it! I need you to knock me out. Totally unconscious."

Dan let go of Elle and took a few steps forward.

Pinkamena continued, "I know it's confusing, but I need you to tru—" Pinkamena's shoulders were grasped by Dan's hands and a split second later her vision or complete sense of ANYTHING went dark save for a brief, sharp pain in her head that faded to nothing.

"HAH!" Dan exclaimed as he swooped into collect Pinkamena's unconscious body before it could hit the ground. "First try!"

Elle let out a sound of daughterly distress.

Dan looked down at the out-cold form of his love and frowned. "Oh, and now I've made myself sad..."

"Uh, look," Ash interrupted, "this is all just... been... okay, I was gonna say 'weird as fuck' but really it's just..."

"Par for the course?" Applejack offered.

"Yeah, but we gotta figure out SOMETHING before the entire world gets to see what it's like to be basket of uncooked, breaded chicken."

At once, there was a honk, and then another as the far section of the impromptu structure made from stacked vehicles was smashed out of the way replaced by city bus that looked to have been mostly intact until it's unexpected arrival.

Guns were quickly drawn and pointed.

"No rest for the completely screwed, I guess," Ash mused.

"Hold up!" Dan called out as he looked around. "Where's Chris? I need him to hold Pinkie so I can, you know, do the thing he can't do."

"Be relevant to the plot?" Elle asked.

Dan smirked. "That was simultaneously mean-spirited, but somewhat confusing.
Reminds me of your mother."

Elle giggled mirthfully, "Yeah, I get that a lot..."

With a hiss the bus door opened, and a very determined-looking Chris Pearson appeared, sitting in the bus seat, his own black leather coat framing a body sitting completely straight. "Get in losers," he said, his eyes focused on the shaft of energy firing up from the below the earth somewhere. "We're going to go fucking save my wife..." Chris paused for a moment and added awkwardly, "Also, the world, one would imagine."

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