Guest Arc Chapter 1: Dan Vs. Paranoia
It was a perfectly ordinary day in the city of Van Nuys. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and hardly anything was bursting spontaneously into flame as you do. Traffic flowed normally, and nobody was causing problems for anyone else. It seemed to be the sort of day where nothing could possibly go wrong...where - in another world connected to this one - someone might spontaneously break into a song about how everything was perfectly fine.
As such, on just such a day, in apartment number 8 in an out of the way, down at the heels apartment building where everything chaotic in this city seemed to begin, Dan Mandel sat back upon Couchy 2, trying and failing to enjoy his day off from working at the bakery as his pony turned human (repeat ad nauseam depending on what they could get certain friends in another world to do for them) girlfriend Pinkie Pie raced around reinforcing every door, window, wall, and drain as if she was expecting an invasion any moment. While Dan had grown used to Pinkie engaging in unusual activities for inexplicable reasons and knew better most of the time than to ask why - he was never sure which was worse, when the answers didn’t make sense or when they did - three things were making her difficult to ignore at this point. First, she kept running in front of the TV as he was trying to watch. Second, she had a panic-stricken expression on her face that he normally only saw when she was trying - and failing - to enjoy slasher horror movies with him. And third, and most importantly, she was wearing a skintight black body suit that somehow made her luscious curves stand out more than when she was naked, and the only thing concealing such a delectably desirable view was the massive amount of weaponry she had strapped to her form, to the point it would be a surprise to anyone who didn’t know her well that she was still able to move.
Sighing ruefully, Dan finally decided to speak up. “Pinkie, what are you doing?”
“Preparing!” Pinkie called out happily as she proceeded to dress Mr. Mumbles in samurai battle gear, complete with a cat-sized ninjato.
“Meerow!” Mr. Mumbles spoke up happily, plainly liking the look as she spun around to look at herself.
“For...what, exactly?” Dan asked carefully.
“ANYTHING!” Pinkie screamed out in terror, grasping an AK-47 close to her ample bosom, the compressions demonstrating to Dan that, as Pinkie often tended to do, she wasn’t wearing anything under the bodysuit.
Dan rubbed his nose irritably, carefully choosing between anger and patience for how to handle this situation. He carefully reminded himself that this was the woman he loved, and who loved him even knowing everything he had ever done in his life - the good, the bad, the very bad, and the downright nasty - and had brought more happiness into his life than he’d ever imagined possible, and all without changing anything fundamental to his being. As such, he chose patience, with a hint of irritability. “Pinkie, as much as I would normally love the sight of you in a skintight bodysuit and armed to the teeth, and would probably forgo TV time and most vengeance runs just to ravish you until you could do nothing but scream my name in ecstasy...the fact that my previous statement hasn’t resulted in you blushing brightly with a comment of ‘I know what we’re doing tonight’ concerns me and leads me to believe this is somehow serious. As such, I’d like to know exactly how serious. Are we talking ‘unexpected vengeance run’ serious, ‘Jean’s experiments escaped again’ serious, ‘get Chris to record the shows we’ll miss serious’, or ‘haul out the crimson hands of death’ serious?” He paused, scratching his scruffy chin and grinning widely. “Ooh, I like the sound of that. Crimson hands of death…” He cackled devilishly as he gazed at his clenched fists, remembering his newfound ability to control the Red Nexus Energy with wicked joy.
“All!” Pinkie called out in terror. “Or none! But definitely the last two! I don’t know!” She began to hyperventilate, glancing around the apartment in terror.
Sighing, Dan stood up and walked over to Pinkie, knowing exactly how to calm her down in situations like that. Grabbing her face in both hands, he pulled her into a firm kiss. He heard her yelp briefly in surprise before moaning in pleasure, relaxing against him and wrapping her arms around him, somehow managing to position all the weaponry she was carrying so that none of it wound up uncomfortably between them. Once he felt all tension leave her - and a certain amount of a different sort of tension enter him from having her pressed so tightly against him - he pulled back. “Calm?” he asked softly. She nodded. “Good. Now explain.”
“It’s a perfectly ordinary day where nothing could possibly go wrong, and everything is perfectly fine,” Pinkie explained calmly.
Dan nodded slowly. “And because of this...you decide to reinforce the entire apartment as though you were expecting an invasion of mutant zombie kaiju with super powers, or possibly a direct assault from TOK.”
“Exactly!” Pinkie proclaimed proudly, plainly happy he was following her logic.
“...if I ask why, am I going to end up with a migraine?” Dan demanded irritably.
“Dan, when was the last time you experienced a perfectly ordinary day where nothing could possibly go wrong...when something didn’t go horribly wrong?”
Dan thought about Pinkie’s words for a time. “...define ordinary.”
“A day like this,” Pinkie explained, gesturing out the window.
Dan glanced carefully out the window. “...huh. I can’t honestly say I’ve ever seen a day like this that seemed so perfect,” Dan admitted thoughtfully. “Then again, something going horribly wrong is part of my ‘ordinary’ day…” He smiled softly at her. “At least before you were here.”
Pinkie smiled happily, dimpling at him in pleasure. “Aww, you sweetie you…” She pulled him into a tight hug before leaping back. “But now’s not the time for that. The last time I woke up to a day like this, Twilight exploded and then descended from the heavens with wings.”
Dan blinked for a time, yet again stunned at just how metal ‘rainbow magical pony land’ could be. “Huh. And how many steel guitars were being shredded as she was descending in a column of light?”
“More a starburst, actually,” Pinkie corrected. “And Equestria doesn’t really use steel so much. Gold and silver work better for magic weapons. Also, wouldn’t shredding metal be really noisy and painful-wainful sounding?”
Dan’s palm noisily smacked against his forehead. “Just...forget I said anything.” Remembering how literal Pinkie tended to be about forgetting things when instructed, he quickly added, “About shredding steel guitars just now.”
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie agreed happily.
“So...you think something like that could happen here?” he asked curiously. “The whole ‘exploding and coming back with wings’ thing?”
Pinkie screwed her face up in an oddly adorable expression of concentration. “Hmm...doubtful. No Elements of Harmony here, not to mention we aren’t ponies at the moment. Besides that, as ponies we’re both earth ponies, so for that to work we’d have to sprout horns, too...I think. I’m not really sure how the whole ‘ascension’ thing works.”
“But something else horrible could possibly happen?” Dan coached, trying to work things back to the original train of the conversation if only so he could get back to watching TV and get Pinkie to either join him or continue her preparations quietly.
“Uh huh!” Pinkie confirmed, bobbing her head up and down excitedly. “And it could be anything! It could be an unexpected rain of cupcakes, or a plane full of snakes could crash into the building, or Elise could announce she’s pregnant, or Wally could reveal himself to be the wolfman that attacked your doppleganger and turned him into a wolfman! Or it might even be that a futuristic killed android more advanced than anything we’ve ever seen could come crashing through the wall of the apartment to kill us-”
The wall behind Pinkie exploded, blasting her into Dan and knocking them both into and over the back of Couchy 2. When the smoke cleared, a silver figure with glowing red eyes stood there, roughly humanoid in shape with light glinting off its metallic exterior.
“It’s always the last thing you expect it to be!” Pinkie snapped irritably, leveling her AK-47 at the android and opening fire. The android blurred forward and smacked her in the gut with a backhand, spikes growing from its arm to shred her armaments as it sent her flying across the room. “Ouchies…” she mumbled as she slid down the wall.
“The Order...will be Kept…” the android spoke, its voice sounding entirely synthesized without the slightest hint of human tone or emotion.
“You hurt the wrong girl, tough guy!” Dan shouted out, leaping to his feet. “It’s time for the Crimson Hands of Death!” Lunging forward, the crimson aura he was familiar with surrounded his clenched fists as he delivered a solid right cross to the android’s chin, only to feel his knuckles crack against the metal, the android not even flinching. “...ow?” he whimpered out in surprise.
The android turned to face Dan. Reaching forward, it grabbed him around the neck and lifted him into the air.
“Dan!” Pinkie cried out in fear, trying to rush to his aid, only to be grabbed by the other hand. “Gurk!”
“Gah...ppft...you…” Dan growled in hatred, grappling with the living metal arm.
“Heads up!” a female voice shouted out.
The sound of a chainsaw engine revving to life filled the apartment, and what looked a lot like Pinkie’s chainsaw but older sheared through the android’s neck, sending the head flying and causing the hands to open convulsively.
Dan coughed for a time to clear his throat, then turned to stare at the one who’d saved them both. The girl was maybe a bit younger than Pinkie Pie, but was built along the same lines. She had straight black hair cut shoulder length, piercing blue eyes that were as hard as agates, and was wearing a skintight grey bodysuit with a few artfully positioned tears and holes that implied but didn’t actually create any immodesty...and an eyepatch.
“Come with me if you want to live,” she ordered them both.
Dan stared at her, his teeth clenched, one eyebrow raised and one eyebrow lowered. “...seriously?” he demanded angrily.
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Just as enjoyable for me to read as it was to write. Though honestly I'm just happy to see this update, even if I wrote it myself.
So...how'd I do matching the overall style of the story? I tried hard to do that.
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You definitely hit the tone of how Dan and Pinkie go through their daily live, or at least try to. Giving all the going's on these two have had to deal with, I can totally see Dan trying to relax for once while Pinkie actively prepares for the next shoe to drop.
Of course such things are never meant to be when these two are in close proximity.
..... maude?
*Pours out bottle of Tacticl Nuclear Penguin, Walks away saying nothing*
Finally! I was beginning to think this story was never coming back. Since I don't know anything about this new character yet, is there a picture of her?
7408090 Nope. Maude has purple-gray hair and is older than Pinkie. Also, she'd probably forgo the chainsaw and just falcon punch the TOK Terminator into its component atomic particles.vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/b/bd/Maud_feeding_crackers_to_Boulder_EG2.png/revision/latest?cb=20141029033303
also, YAY! UPDATE! Gimme a sec to find an appropriate Youtube video to evidence my joy. Brb.
etc.
Oh god Pinkie looks like she's on crack in that pic. Remind everyone to never unleash a high Pinkie on the world.
Or it might even be that a futuristic killed android more advanced
1. Killer.
Tatsurou strikes again with hilarity ensued.
The Doctor and Egon.
Dont Cross The Streams.
Pinkie.
Why not. Im the one writing this story.
7408090 Kind of obviously Dan and Pinkie's daughter from the future.
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-Old Joseph Joestar's VA- OH MY GOD!! Yes. Another update =D Nice to see you still around dude.
Man, this chapter was awesome. Hope the next one comes soon to see how Dan and Pinkie will interact with future girl.
It's their daughter. Calling it now.
Holy shit you're back.
7408691 I don't think calling it is a spoiler.
Hah...I was just looking through up updates, and then I found this...
YES, YES! OH FUCK YES!
Ahem...so, android, ordinary day, and Dan's daughter from the future is pulling a terminator.
LET'S GO!
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Well... I never really went anywhere, I'm just trying to update a load of other things before I can take the reigns on this story properly again.
7408141 .. this is pretty much my response. ALL THE YES! this is one of my favorite fics ever- AND ITS BACK! WOOO!!! this will be fun already, i can seeeeee it.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a second... This seems almost too good to be true... . . . . .
AH-HA! I'm onto your schemes now! At some point in time, WE WILL FIND OUT THIS HAS ALL BEEN A DIVERSIONARY PLAN BY THE SPIDERS OF MUFFET TO DRIVE UP BAKE SALES!
That or awesome sauce incarnated. Take your pick.
This is the first time I've seen this story with comments younger than a year old.
What a delight, i'm glad to see this story up and running again. Tatsurou your characterization is spot on, and it has the overall vibe of the story we all know and love. Although I do have a few very minor complaints, for one it felt a bit rushed in my opinion, second its relatively short which isn't detrimental per se buuut I feel like I need more. desperately.
And as for you Mr. Justice! Keep doing as you do in your pile of uncompleted stories. we can wait.
Burning a Denny's in joy,
Requiems-Bliss
P.S.
seeing as the two of you are some of my favorite writers on this site I am in fanboyish awe that the two of you are collaborating on my all time favorite story and am fighting the urge to become the foaming mouth guy. Godspeed both of you.
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Just started reading this guest arc... oh yeah, this is gonna be the kind of madness I enjoy!
7410643 The spiders are actually after the perfect blue crystal from Metabilis 3...
When I try to watch the actual episodes , Dan seems so lonely to me
... it's their daughter isnt it...
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I'm only aware of this story because of you. Thank you.
That said, I find myself in need of a picture of Pinke in this state. It sounds glorious.
Must've been using a shiny pvc bodysuit. Me-yow!