Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life: Chapter 14 Elise Vs. Generosity
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 3 Pinkie Vs. Daily life
Chapter 14 Elise Vs. Generosity
-ooooooo-
Pinkie crawled out from under the foosball table. “Out wherey-dairy-berry, Dan?”
“There’s this place called ‘outside’?” Dan began snidely, moving the phone he was speaking into a few inches away from his mouth. “Perchance you’ve heard the legend? Big blue ceiling, extends forever in all directions, home to all things outside the apartment.”
Pinkie rolled her eyes, “Yes, Dan. I know what ‘outside’ means.”
To be fair, I haven’t set foot outside without someone else with me…but this place is pretty scary by human standards!
And why does everyone have giant, spiky fences and gates in front of their houses?
“Pinkie?”
Is it to keep in their tiny, yappy dogs? Why does everyone have a tiny, yappy dog?!
Ulg, except the house with that Doberman, why couldn’t they have a yappy dog, instead of that scary monster of a dog?
“Pinkie!”
One day, Doberman, mark my words! One day, Pinkie Pie will…
“Piiinkiieee!”
“Right. Sorry. Where was I?”
“I know what ‘outside’ means.” Dan said, mimicking Pinkie’s eye roll.
“Yeah…I mean, wherey-dairy-berry outside are we going?..”, Pinkie’s eyes narrowed, “We’re not attacking the grocery outlet store because you ate old meat that made you sick again, are we?”
There was a “What was that?!” Heard from the phone in Dan’s hand.
Dan responded by looking down at it, pointing firmly, and declaring “You heard NOTHING!” Dan looked back towards Pinkie, “And, ‘No’. I think they’re still scrubbing out the smell of rancid meat from the walls and ceiling.”
“Good,” Pinkie replied without changing expression, “Because I’M still scrubbing the smell from the clothes we wore that day!” Pinkie glanced away for a second and added, “I didn’t realize dynamite was so good at liquefying putrid meat.”
“Hey! I was right, wasn’t I?” Dan countered.
Pinkie sighed, “Yes Dan, it WAS a conspiracy that went all the way up to the FDA so that grocery outlet stores could keep meat on the shelves longer.” Pinkie admitted exasperated that Dan never stopped to remind her when he was right about a theory. “So wherey, dairy, berry, outside, are we going?”
“Elise is taking us out to dinner.” Dan said flatly, placing the phone back to his ear.
Pinkie immediately perked back up to her…well…perky self. “Oooh! Ooh! I’ll grab my walle…”
“Elise also says if she so much as sees that wallet she’ll break your hand in three places.”
There was an angry cry of “Don’t tell her I said that!” As Dan terminated the call.
“WHAT?! Why…”
-
“…would you say that to him?” Chris asked from the driver seat of his and Elise’s blue sedan. “You know there’s no way he’d not tell her."
“I know! It’s just…does she have to insist on paying for everything?!” Elise began listing items on her fingers, “Gas, movies, dinners, snacks, lunch…” Elise paused then raised her other hand, continuing the count, “breakfast, brunch…utility bills…” Elise dropped her hands and added “…house payment.” with a sigh.
“Did you figure out where it all comes from?” Chris asked.
“No!” Elise responded with no small amount of frustration. “I managed to get quite a few bills just hanging out with her and asking for change right behind her. I analyzed them, and all of them are legit! And my research hasn’t turned up any evidence that they’re stolen from anywhere. Other than the possibility that they’re perfect copies of other bills out in circulation, I can’t find any evidence of wrongdoing! It’s like the money in that wallet...”
-
“…breeds?” Dan parroted back to Pinkie, considering calling her an idiot for even asking, but his urge to respond with his typical irate attitude was overruled by the shear bizarreness of the question. “No, Pinkie. Money does not breed here, no matter how much of it you keep together…” Dan thought for a second, glancing at the ceiling. “Actually…wait…is that how banks work?” He asked no one in particular.
“Well, it’s all got to come from somewhere!” Pinkie insisted.
“Like a magic wallet that appeared when you crossed dimensions specifically created so you’d have the resources to get by?”
“Well…” Pinkie glanced to the side, rubbing her hand against her chin, “That makes perfect sense, but who…”
-
“…would even give her something like that?” Elise asked.
Chris raised an eyebrow, “You really think its alien technology that’s set to create more money every time she removes a bill?” He asked skeptically.
“OK, of the two of us, who do you think has seen more alien technology?” Elise asked with a sideways glance.
“I watch a lot of sci-fi!” Chris insisted in an indignant tone. “Anyway, I’m surprised Dan doesn’t even take advantage of it. I mean, he’s never had trouble asking for money from me.”
“I think it’s different with Pinkie, she’s so…willing. And tends to assume she’s doing everyone a favor. I think it makes him just as…”
-
“UNCOMFORTABLE?!” Pinkie parroted back to Dan, albeit, with quite a bit more force. “Why? I WANT to help everypo…I mean body! Why wouldn’t they like it?” Pinkie asked with a pleading pout.
Dan paused and thought for a second. Explaining things Pinkie didn’t have an equivalent for was easy enough, TV, telephones, those…things on the street you weren’t allowed to park next to where water comes out of if you hit them hard enough with a pipe wrench. However, it was always difficult to explain human psychology.
Maybe no one in Equestria has to deal with imposter syndrome..?
Or, that’s just Pinkie Pie and I’ll have to pierce that thick skull of hers somehow.
“Dan?”
Hammer and chisel..? Naw, she squirms too much for that.
Ghost Chili pepper extract and baking soda? Hmmm…No, that would probably melt her entire head off.
“Dan!”
Oh! Power drill! I’ll just duct tape her to my chair…ah crud, the fort…
“Daaaaaaaan!”
“Uhhh…Where was I?”
“You were telling me I’m making everyone uncomfortable with how I pay for everything,” Pinkie said, throwing her arms to the side.
“Right!” Dan said, deciding to opt for a tactic with a far smaller chance of killing his new roommate, or cleaning bits of blood and skull out of the dingy carpet. “OK, so you know how each of us can get money on our own; Elise is employed, Chris is occasionally employed, I live off my bingo winnings and recovered wishing money from fountains…” Dan said, listing each person on their own finger as he tapped them with his other index finger.
“But I seem to have a super-duper unlimited amount of the stuff!” Pinkie insisted. “Why shouldn’t my friends let me take care of them?”
Dan winced. “Did it ever occur to you that we don’t always want to be taken care of?”
Pinkie blinked a few times, a blank expression on her face signifying she didn’t get it.
“…Well, I guess I can let Elise pay this once...”
Dan sighed, it would have to do for now.
“But I get to pay for dessert!” Pinkie responded resolutely.
Dan folded his arms. “Just how attached are you to your hands?”
Pinkie raised her hands to her eye level and gave them a vigorous shake. “They seem pretty solidly attached to the rest of me.”
Dan squinched his eyes together and grabbed the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “I meant, just how ready are you to have Elise shatter the bones in one?”
Pinkie turned her hands palms up and regarded each one, looking back and forth between the pair, “Shakey or Wavey?” She said, holding her hands out for Dan to see.
Dan cocked an eyebrow, “Does it matter?”
Pinkie brought her hands back up to her face and considered this. “Fine…” she sighed out.
Dan grinned with his mouth full of pointed death and rubbed his hands together. “Great! Now that that’s settled, where should we go? I’m thinking…”
-
“Lenny’s? Are you serious?” Elise asked, shocked. “Even excluding Pinkie’s first visit, remember when she discovered imitation vanilla for the first time?”
>-ooooooo-<
“Imitation Vanilla?! Imitation Vaaanillaaaa?!” Pinkie said as her squeaky voice changed into a screech. “Listen here, buster! I know ‘imitation’ is the ‘highest form of flattery’, but this is a crime against food! How can you even think this bland, fake, LIE, of a real substance is an acceptable substitute! I wouldn’t feed this to my alligator! I WOULDN’T FEED THIS TO THE ALLIGATORS IN THE EVERFREE FOREST!”
The hapless chef looked up from the stool Pinkie had sat him on for his high-pitched dressing down. “Can..can I go now? My shift ended hours ago, and…”
“I’M NOT FINISHED TELLING YOU HOW BAD YOU ARE AT EVERYTHING AND HOW YOU’LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING IN YOUR WORTHLESS, BAKED GOODS RUINING LIFE!”
<-ooooooo->
Elise continued, “Or the time she and…”
-
“…I made that awesome pancake thrower!” Dan said, trying to sway his roommate.
>-ooooooo-<
“Catapult.” Dan offered.
Pinkie thought about this for a second. “Isn’t catapult ammunition usually…round?” Pinkie motioned her hands in a spherical manner. “And pancakes are flat,” Pinkie moved her hands together to symbolize flat. “I doubt we could control the trajectory with all that air resistance.” Pinkie held up one palm flatly and wiggled her fingers at it with the other, signifying air moving against the flat side of a pancake.
“Trebuchet!”
“Same problem, you’re just using a counter-weight instead of skein to throw the pancakes awkwardly,” Pinkie replied as she absentmindedly chewed on the end of a straw.
Dan smiled, he was enjoying that Pinkie was surprisingly knowledgeable about siege weaponry, him and her just having had a very fulfilling discussion on cannons. “Ballista,” he continued.
Pinkie brought her elbows onto the table, raising her forearms towards her face as she clasped a loose hand around a loose fist. She rested her chin on her hands as she glanced towards the corners of her eye and continued chewing her straw.
Pinkie frowned. “I don’t think the pancake would retain its shape as it was propelled through the trough at such a high speed,” She explained.
Dan turned his head with a thoughtful expression and rested his chin on his palm. He began racking his brain for something else that could propel pancakes through the air at dangerous speeds but not suffer the same problems Pinkie had listed.
Dan heard a snap from the across the table, he turned to see a smiling Pinkie holding up a finger in an “Ah Ha!” pose. “Disk thrower,” she announced with a proud grin.
Dan knitted his brow. “Disk thrower?”
“Yeah, like…like a catapult, but instead of throwing the pancakes overhand,”--Pinkie mimicked an overhand throw with her arm--“we grip it by the edge and toss it horizontally while adding a spin to give it stability.” Pinkie mimicked throwing a disc or Frisbee. “That way it can fly in a targeted glide!”
Dan paused.
“…THAT’S THE GREATEST IDEA ANYONE HAS EVER HAD, EVER!” He insisted, excitedly slapping his palms on the table, leaning closer in.
Pinkie mirrored his response with an “Iknowright?!”
Dan turned to a familiar looking, skinny waitress with California tanned skin and blonde hair.
“Garcon!” He commanded. “More pancakes, post haste!”
The waitress rolled her eyes. “’Garcon’ means ‘boy’.” She replied with mild annoyance.
“I know!” Dan responded cheerfully. “I just don’t like you!”
Soon the booth the pair was sitting at was a mess of discarded pieces of wood, sawdust, tools, and a large, wooden device that looked much as if a catapult had been placed on its side and had its bucket squashed into more of a flat disk shape.
“I can’t believe the store room had all that rope and tools sitting in it!” Pinkie said, admiring the medieval looking device she and Dan had created.
“I can’t believe they didn’t kick us out when we stole all the shelves from the store room and used them to create this device,” Dan replied.
“Alright…” Pinkie carefully loaded a pancake onto the disk of the long wooden throwing ‘arm’ which extended toward the front of the device.
Dan turned a winch on the side of the device which reeled in a rope that slowly pulled the arm back until it was pulled behind the device.
“Target?” Pinkgie asked.
“That family with the obnoxious kids who refuse to sit still and the parents who refuse to do anything about it,” Dan suggested.
“Dan,” Pinkie said with a reprimanding tone. “I’m not going to use this on people! No matter how bad the children are or the parents are at raising them,” she insisted.
Dan sighed and rolled his eyes before he replied, “Oh, all right. How about that metal cylinder a little to the right of the obnoxious family.”
“You mean ‘garbage can’”? Pinkie offered.
“Whatever! It’s not a human, is it?”
Pinkie’s expression softened back into a smile. “That’s acceptable.” She shifted the device slightly as she eyed her target.
“PULL!” Dan yelled.
Pinkie pulled back a small lever on the device which caused the arm to rocket back into place, releasing the pancake to spin and glide at high speed, the doughy discus cutting through the restaurant air and directly into the food and beverages sitting on top of the table in front of the 'obnoxious' family, splattering soda and food all over them.
Dan buried his mouth into his arm and tried to stifle a laugh.
“Whoops…” Pinkie uttered. “My calibration was off.” She fiddled with a few components on the device and loaded a second pancake.
Dan dutifully winched the arm back again. “PULL!”
This time the pancake sailed too far right, colliding with the cash register. It fell off its perch and directly onto the chest of the Lenny’s employee working it, who collapsed to the floor under its weight.
Pinkie wrinkled her features over the cry of “MY RIB CAGE!” and uttered a “Too much” as she did more adjustments.
“Misaligned calculations aside, the fact that we took out a cash register with a pancake is very impressive,” Dan said with delight.
Pinkie loaded the arm. “Alright, that should do it, winch it up.”
Dan complied as their waitress angrily walked up to the table and stood in front of them. “WHAT THE HECK DO YOU TWO THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” she demanded.
“Pull!” Pinkie commanded herself, launching a point-blank pancake into the chest of their irate waitress. This was quickly followed by a surprised yelp, the sound of breaking glass, and a loud 'Thump!'
Pinkie and Dan peered through the waitress sized hole that was just recently made in one of the large windows of the restaurant.
Dan turned to Pinkie. “Not that I’m complaining, but I thought you said ‘no people’.”
Pinkie turned to Dan. “Yeah, I don’t really like her, either.” She admitted.
<-ooooooo->
“DAN!” Pinkie insisted, "I said…”
-
“No way are we going back there after I had to remove you two after the syrup fiasco!” Elise said sternly.
>-ooooooo-<
Pinkie eyed one of the syrup dispensers carefully and looked up. “Did you ever just want to drink the entire contents of one of these things?”
“Only every day of my life, ” Chris responded, his pupils dilating with the thought.
“No! That’s disgusting,” Dan replied. “However, I have a strange and sudden urge to see what will happen if you two do it,” he said in a ponderous tone.
Pinkie grinned mischievously, and looked across the table to Chris. She held up one of the syrup dispensers by the handle, the viscous, translucent, light red material contained within seductively shifting back and forth. “Syrup race?” she offered.
Chris wasted no time picking out his weapon of choice, a dark blue tinted syrup of his own. “You’re on!” he said, as determination took hold of his features.
Pinkie turned to Dan who was sitting next to her.
“Dan, would you like to get us started?”
Dan looked from Pinkie then to Chris. Both had wild, yet excited and resolute expressions plastered on their faces.
Dan shrugged. “Go!”
The two competitors wasted no time in opening and placing the syrup dispensers to their lips, quickly emptying the contents in large gulps within a matter of seconds.
With a strong clink of thick glass hitting wood, Pinkie gleefully brought her empty dispenser to the table, a split second before Chris.
“HAH!” she said, her eye twitching slightly.
“Hey, no fair!” Chris complained. “The strawberry is thinner than the blueberry!”
“Oh Chris, don’t be such a baby,” Dan replied.
Pinkie wiped her mouth with her arm in a jerky, quick movement. “No, Dan. He might be right! I will not have my victory tarnished by inconsistent syrup viscosity!”
In a flash, Chris and Pinkie snagged the remaining two dispensers on the table. They eyed each other carefully with pupils that had slowly started to grow in size, then the two turned and looked at Dan.
Dan examined the two with renewed interest and uttered a soft, “go.”
*2 additional races later*
“Dan! Dan, Dan, Dan, DanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDanDan!”
“WHAT?!” Dan asked, looking into Pinkie’s eyes, the blue having seceded much territory to her black pupils at this point.
“I can see forever, Dan!” Pinkie replied, wide eyed, her normally content smile being replaced by one a bit wilder.
Chris suddenly dashed onto the scene holding another four syrup dispensers in a metal holder. “Pinkie! I got us another set!” Chris said, his own blue eyes likewise, turning black. “We mustn’t let this stalemate stand!”
“Oh, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!”
The two turned to Dan who had noticed the pair of competitors seemed to be vibrating.
Are they excited, or suffering some sort of crazy glucose overdose..? Oh well, as long as they’re having fun…and I’m not likely to get hurt.
“Go!”
In a flash, syrup went from dispenser to throat.
Dan picked up his phone and dialed. “Elise? You might want to get down to Lenny’s…” Dan eyed the two sticky individuals who were grinning at him with, wide, toothy grins. The two were already holding their next set of dispensers. “…Bring a tarp.” He added.
“Go!”
*14 additional races later*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE ‘OUT OF SYRUP’!” Pinkie screeched at a familiar waitress, the waitress having changed her look slightly by adding a cast and sling on one arm and some assorted bandages over her face.
“You two...you two drank all the syrup in the restaurant.” The waitress gulped. “There isn’t anymore.”
“I don’t believe her!” Chris said. “I think she just wants it all for herself!” Chris positioned an accusatory finger at the waitress with unbelievable speed. The blacks of his pupils had conquered almost all other color from his eyes.
“You’re right Chris!” Pinkie replied, her eyes similarly practically pitch black at this point. “My new syrup sense sees through her trickery!” In a flash, Pinkie was behind the waitress and had hooked her arms under the waitress’s. “Quick!” Pinkie said. “I’ll hold her in place, you hit her until she confesses her sins!”
Chris grimly approached the waitress. “It doesn’t have to go down this way. Just tell us where you’re hiding the syrup.”
“You know…”Dan interrupted, placing a hand on Chris’s arm. A hand which he quickly pulled back staring at the sticky residue that had just affixed itself to his palm. “One would imagine you’d just let someone else serve us at some point.” he said, looking at the restrained waitress.
Tears began streaming from the waitresses face as fear gripped her. “I…I’m trying to wreak petty vengeance on you all by being a”--The waitress sniffed loudly--"baaaaaad server!”
Dan paused. “OK, now I sorta feel like you’ve brought this upon yourself. Go ahead and hit her Chris.”
“DAN! CHRIS! PINKIE! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE!?” Elise called from the entrance, trying to process the sticky scene of violence she had just interrupted.
“Hiya, Elise!” Pinkie replied cheerfully, her head twitching slightly and teeth grinding for a split second. “Chris and I are tied and were about to interrogate this syrup stasher so we can have a game winning match! Wanna help?” Pinkie asked, her head jerking to the side slightly.
“DAN! What did you do!?” Elise asked, narrowing her eyes.
“Me!” Dan said in a hurt tone. “I didn’t do anything! I just sat in judgment of them.”
“That doesn’t sound very helpful, Dan!” Elise countered.
“Wha… I was very helpful!” Dan contended. “Wait, did I said ‘judgment’? I meant ‘judged’! As in ‘I helped judge for them’.”
“Pleaeaeaeaease let me go!” The panicked waitress pleaded.
“No more stalling!” Pinkie replied. “Chris, start hitting!”
“But I already told you there isn’t any more syrup!” The waitress insisted.
“Punch her, Chris,” Pinkie insisted forcefully, “Punch her in the face!”
With great speed, Chris pulled back his fist and then there was a flash of movement from behind him as Elise expertly propelled a chop from her hand into the side of his neck.
Chris’s eyes rolled back into his head and he collapsed in a heap.
Pinkie’s eyes narrowed as she released her captive who fell to the ground in a heap of tears. “Not cool, Elise. I can’t compete with an unconscious man.”
Elise raised her hands into tense knives ready to fight her way through another opponent. “Are we going to do this the hard way?” she inquired of the pink haired, syrup hyped girl in front of her.
Pinkie’s eye twitched and her teeth gritted.
Dan watched with quiet interest.
The two women had a tense stare down.
Pinkie sighed, grabbed a glass, filled it with orange soda from a nearby soda fountain and poured the contents onto the waitress who screamed in agony. “Your husband owes me a rematch.” She insisted as she walked towards the entrance, casually lobbing the empty glass behind her, causing it to shatter on the floor.
Elise breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed her husband under his arms, and dragged him out.
Dan walked up to the waitress and looked down at her, regarding her. He opened his wallet, pulled out a wrinkled five dollar bill, and dropped it in front of her quivering body with a “You don’t deserve this, but…”
Dan walked off towards the entrance.
…
And then he walked back and retrieved his five dollars. “Yeah, you really don’t deserve this.” He said, returning to the entrance.
<-ooooooo->
Chris pondered this for a second. “You know, Pinkie and I still haven’t had that rematch…”
“No, Chris! You’re still washing syrup out your…”
-
“…hair,” Pinkie said, glancing up at her own pink curls in irritation.
“Hey, I cleaned you off!” Dan insisted.
“Being drenched with a garden hose before I was allowed back in the apartment is not what I’d consider being ‘cleaned off’.”
“But you were all sticky!” Dan whined.
Pinkie sighed, rolled her eyes, and crossed her arms. “NO LENNY’S!”
“Fine!” Dan said with a huff. He turned his head slightly as he heard approaching footsteps. “Hey, they’re…”
_
“… here,” Chris said, knocking on the apartment door.
It flung open. “Chris! Elise!” Pinkie flung her arms around the couple and squeezed tight, her customary greeting.
The two managed weak “Hi, Pinkie.”s through Pinkie’s boa constrictor like grip.
“Oh, I’m so excited to see you two here, are you excited?! Are ya, Are ya, Areya, huh huh! OOH! I haven’t sung you two my new and improved welcome song.”
Elise smiled and raised an eyebrow. “You have songs?”
“I’m pretty sure Pinkie is mostly composed of songs,” Dan said.
“Oh, Dan! Can I sing it?! Can I? Can I? Please~?” Pinkie begged, giving Dan a double barrel shot of puppy dog eyes, dazzling smile, and hands cupped under her chin.
“Knock yourself out,” Dan sighed.
Pinkie inhaled a large amount of air, and…
Welcome welcome welcome
I hope you were not robbed!
Welcome welcome welcome
Did you avoid all the snobs?
Welcome welcome welcome
I hope your car stays okay
Welcome welcome welcome
To our apartment toooodaaaaay!
Elise and Chris put on amused expressions.
“Uhhh, thanks?” Chris replied.
“I meant literally,” Dan qualified.
“Dan, did you have something to do with those lyrics?” Elise asked irritably.
Dan gave himself a small grin. “Hehe, yeah…”
“Dan said my original lyrics didn’t properly convey the" -- Pinkie air quoted -- “ ‘horrors’ of living here…Although, his original suggestions were a bit…graphic,” Pinkie explained.
Elise tossed Dan a glance, but opted to avoid lecturing him on his ongoing corruption of his roommate. Pinkie was usually the first to his defense anyhow. “Ready to go?” she asked.
“Sure Elise, just let me get…” Pinkie’s expression shifted to something a little more pensive as if she just noticed Elise “…my bag…” Pinkie slinked off back into the apartment and down into the fort.
Elise frowned, having wished she could have calmly explained her feelings rather than Dan delivering a threat of violence on her behalf.
“DUDE! YOU HAVE A FORT?!” Chris exclaimed excitedly.
“…Did you just ‘dude’ me?” Dan replied with a raised eyebrow.
Pinkie popped out from under the foosball table, pink bag in tow. “Ready!” She said excitedly.
“I can’t believe you two have a fort!” Chris continued.
“Ooh! Would you like to see inside Fort Dan Pie?” Pinkie asked.
“WOULD I?!”
Chris was under the foosball table and out of sight in a matter of seconds. “You guys have a bed, and a TV, AND A CAT!?”
Mr. Mumbles gave a quiet “meow” in response.
Chris reappeared. “This is AWESOME!” He stood up and looked at his wife. “Can WE make a fort?! Please!” Chris grinned widely,showing all his teeth.
Elise fought back the initial response to say 'No' when she saw the excited look on Chris’s face. She rolled her eyes while smiling.
Who knows, it could be fun.
“Alright, honey,” she said, patting Chris’s arm.
Chris gave himself a little “Yay!” and embraced his wife, kissing her on the lips.
“Awww…” Pinkie replied.
“Ulg...” Dan replied, walking towards the stairs. “Can we go? This mushy stuff is hurting my appetite.”
The group made its way to the car, Pinkie bounding the entire way.
“So…Where are we going?” Chris asked from the driver seat. “I’m thinking…”
“Chris, if you say ‘Burgerphile’ I will hurt you,” Elise interrupted.
Chris frowned, “Okay, then how about--?.”
“Chris, if you say 'Lenny’s'I can’t be held responsible for my actions,” Pinkie said.
Chris sighed, “Alright then, what about--?”
“Chris, if you say anything, I’m going to punch you,” Dan stated.
“Any particular reason?” Pinkie asked from the seat next to him.
Dan shrugged. “I just wanted to be included.”
Chris thought for a second. “PizzaOW!” He rubbed his recently punched arm.
Elise thought for a second then responded, “Oh, that gives me an idea! Tomato Garden!”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, let’s all get mediocre Italian chain food,” he said grumpily.
Elise turned back to argue with him, but Pinkie interrupted.
“Ooh! What about the Italian place you took me to, Dan! It was super yummy! And we haven’t caused any property damage there or assaulted anyone with food or anything!”
Elise looked at Dan in surprise. “You took her out…and you two didn’t destroy anything…” Elise thought for a second and added, “…Or anybody?”
“Well, Pinkie is still on the fence about meat, so I’ve had to expand my restaurant choices.” Dan insisted.
Elise turned forward in her seat and smiled, it wasn’t like Dan to think of anybody but himself. “Sounds good.”
-ooooo-
The four managed to enjoy a fairly normal meal. Aside from Dan irritably describing how to pronounce 'bruschetta' to Chris, and Elise irritably describing what 'linguini' was to Dan.
Normal until…
The waiter placed a black tray with a slip of paper in the center of the table.
Pinkie and Elise looked at it slip of paper then up at each other.
Pinkie’s eyes narrowed as she reached for her pink bag.
Elise hands tensed as she reached into her own pocket. “Are we going to do this the hard way?” she inquired of the pink haired girl in front of her.
Pinkie’s eye twitched and her teeth gritted.
Dan watched with quiet interest.
Chris gulped, his eyes moving back and forth between his wife and Pinkie.
The two women had a tense stare down.
Pinkie shot up straight, bag and in hand, and announced “Bathroom!”, then dashed away.
Elise breathed a sigh of relief, grabbed her wallet, and deposited a plastic card on top of the black tray.
-ooo-
Pinkie breathed heavily in front of the bathroom mirror, splashing water on her face. She reached into her bag and produced a small compact mirror.
“Hello?” Pinkie asked. “Is anypony there?”
Twilight’s head popped into view. “Pinkie!” she said excitedly. “You would not believe what I discovered looking at those devices! Did you know humans use gold as a conducto…”
“Twilight, I’m sorry. But can you find Rarity for me?” Pinkie looked down for a second. “It’s kind of an emergency.”
Twilight blinked a few times. “Sure Pinkie,” she said with a warm smile. Twilight looked up towards the ceiling as if searching it for something as her horn glowed purple. In a purple flash she was out of sight.
Pinkie sighed. Why does being generous have to be so complicated?
The mirror flashed purple once more, Twilight was back with a white unicorn in an elegant dress, heavy bags under her eyes.
“So, Pinkie, Twilight tells me you need my help?”
“Oh more than ever, Rarity! I need your advice!”
“Of course, darling,” Rarity said. “I’m always happy to help my dear friend, Pinkie Pie.”
Twilight smiled and excused herself back to her work with an “I’ll just leave you two alone…”
“So, tell me! What seems to be the trouble?” Rarity asked with a tired smile.
“Well…You know how I have that wallet that somehow never runs out of money?”
“Hmm, yes, I remember telling you how jealous I was on numerous occasions.”
Pinkie giggled slightly, then exhaled a large volume of air. “Well, I keep on buying everything here for my friends, but even though I have all this money and it’s no trouble, and I really, really, really want to help them, it sounds like it’s actually making them super-duper uncomfortable, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable! I only want to help everybody and I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want my help despite it being no trouble from me, so I thought my friend Rarity” -- Pinkie pointed at Rarity through the mirror -- “being the element of generosity could tell me what I need to do!”
Pinkie stopped and took a series of short, shallow breaths.
Rarity smiled a knowing smile. ”Yes, I see exactly how that can be a problem.”
Pinkie perked up. “You DO?! So do you think it might be some weird, human, thing? Because there’s a lot of weird things here. Did you know they all have these giant metal fences to keep in the tiniest dogs ever?”
Rarity held up a hoof, to quiet her friend. “No, Pinkie. I mean, I understand how that could make your friends uncomfortable.”
Pinkie put on a pout, “Really? Because I don’t!”
Rarity tapped a hoof against her chin and thought for a second before she looked up at Pinkie. “Okay, what if the Cakes suddenly decided to let you stay with them rent free? In fact, say they did that and said you no longer needed to work at the bakery or babysit, but they’d still pay you anyways?”
“Well, I…” Pinkie’s eyes went wide as a thought finally clicked in her brain. “I guess I’d feel like I was a charity case to them…”
Rarity nodded with a smile. “Exactly!”
“Thanks Rarity! I need to get going, but…can I ask you one more favor?” Pinkie asked tentatively.
“Of course!”
Pinkie turned her mirror so it was facing that bathroom mirror and held it close. “Could you maybe try to get some more sleep?”
Rarity touched a hoof to the black bags under eyes and stuck her lower lip out, it quivering a bit.
“Pinkie?”
Pinkie turned the mirror back to face her. “Yes, Rarity?”
“I shall excuse myself from my current engagement immediately.” Rarity said with a smile. “Thank you.”
Pinkie smiled wide. “No, thank you, Rarity! Say goodbye to Twilight for me, would ya?”
Rarity nodded, smile still on her face. “Of course.”
Pinkie closed the mirror, put it back into her bag, and then exited the bathroom.
Dan, Chris, and Elise all stood up as Pinkie approached.
“Everything okay?” Elise asked, concerned.
Pinkie gave her friend a quick hug that was reciprocated. “Yeah,” Pinkie answered with a smile. “Everything’s fine.”
The group started walking to the exit.
“So…dessert,” Pinkie began. “I’m thinking ice cream.”
The other three stopped and stared at her.
“Chris is buying,” Pinkie said with a wry grin.
“Wha…why me?” Chris began.
“Second,” Dan said with a huge smile.
“Hey! But…”
“Thirded,” Elise added with a smile to match Dan’s.
Chris sighed.
At least I still get to make a furniture fort.
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Now I need to make a fort
Pinkie´s corruption is so damn funny
...I wonder if a couple of overturned couches would make a good fort? I'll have to find out myself.
This is getting funnier and funnier every chapter I read.
3252033
I'm really happy to read that especially since this last chapter has much more Dan and Pinkie playing off each-other as opposed to the Dan and Chris interactions that tended to dominate the early chapters.
3252818 The Dan/Chris interactions were perfect, though. Not that this is any less superb.
Took the words right out of my mouth, Dan. Is that a felony? Not that he'd care...
3254632
Thanks, and that was actually sort of the concern. A good 50% of Dan Vs. is those two interacting, so I have lots and lots of material to draw from with Chris and Dan.
Pinkie and Dan material, of course, exists only in a few scattered Hub adverts and some fan work, so making their dynamic work takes a bit more creativity on my part.
Im laughing so hard right now
ITS MIRRORCEPTION!!!
3251021 Ditto
This chapter felt like I was watching a real episode.
3781512
I didn't realize Lenny's was a play on Denny's until I saw Tomato Garden.
How dense am I? 
You spelled tomato wrong btw. 
3898467
Fixed. Thanks.
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
...and dammit, that brings to mind the season 4 finale of Breaking Bad, where you could see what was left of Hector Salamanca dripping off the ceiling after he suicide-bombed Gus.
Your punctuation needs to find religion. Only Jesus can save you from your sins against commas and periods.
But I'll do what I can. Corrections:
That comma should be a period. (Speaking of periods, I can't wait to see Pinkie's reaction when THAT happens...)
Self-explanatory.
Missing quote mark at the end.
The commas after "insisted" and "winced" should both be periods.
dessert
What is that comma doing there? That comma doesn't belong there. That comma doesn't belong anywhere NEAR there!
That quote mark's in the wrong place.
she and Dan
register, which
Comma after it.
Every underlined period and capital letter above needs to be corrected.
back and forth
excited
That comma should be a period.
That period after baby should be a comma.
That last comma should be a period.
That needs to be a period.
So does this.
I'd delete the "Elise asked accusatorily" part. It's unnecessary and redundant.
Needs to be a comma at the end.
Neither "she" nor "pink" need to be capitalized.
Delete the first "and".
That comma should be a period, and there should be a comma after "know".
Period should be a comma.
The comma after "arms" should be a period.
That period should be a comma.
That comma should be a period.
The period after "songs" should be a comma.
That period should be a question mark.
"giving"
That first period should be a comma.
Also, the song right after that? Get rid of ALL the quote marks. They really don't need to be there.
That first period should be a comma.
That first comma should be a period.
Missing a quote mark after "the".
That first period should be a comma.
"She" should not be capitalized.
That comma should be a period.
So should that one.
And that one.
widely, showing
Comma and lower-case "s"
where are we
First period needs to be a comma.
Period after frowned and sighed. Also, what the hell is that mess at the end there?
Comma after "actions", not period.
Once again, a period that should be a comma at the end of a quote.
That should be a period.
So should that.
And that.
Comma and lower-case "h"
That should be a period.
That should be a comma.
Lowercase "s".
Comma and lowercase "s".
sight
Comma after "darling".
That should be a period at the end there.
And there.
And there.
And there. Also, delete the comma after "hoof".
That should be a period.
So should that.
"Okay"
Another comma that needs to be a period.
"Exactly"
Another comma that needs to be a period.
That period should be a comma, and that comma should be a period.
That comma should be a period.
And again.
And again.
That period should be a comma, and that comma should be a period.
Ice cream is not hyphenated.
That period should be a comma.
And again.
And again.
On the plus side, with Mythril taking so many of the corrections, I don't have much to do. Although it makes me feel like a charity case....
4389391
He's corrected about the next 8 chapters, and I've only got to about the next three of his corrections. So uh... you'll probably hit my uncorrected, error heavy stuff pretty soon here at this rate.
Someone needs to explain to Pinkie why counterfeiting is illegal.
4345966
Reading this felt like reading Pinkie talking to Discord...
I NEED to make a fort!
I wonder if I can make a fort out of revisions...
4452541
you sure never get tired if it!
XD that is all
4345966 My eyes burn.....How do you have the patience for that?
blloody REKT XD
4345966 That religion thing was funny, though I think Science and Logic are much more effective.
Is...is that a Pulp fiction refrence I see
4837797
Absolutely.
I keep forgetting to click the like button because I automatically go for the next chapter!
4826639 so Scientology?
"I can see forever Dan!" Best line I've read in a very long time! Especially reading in my head in Pinkie's voice.
I am really enjoying your story. This site needs a "Really, Really, Like" button. I'd be spamming it between chapters.
5312473 That would be science and faith, i think.
I love this story for some odd reason. I really love the fact that its dan vs AND my little pony, and I also love romance stories! Your writing is great too!
Its probably y favorite fan fiction on here! 
Man, Chris pays for everything.
I NEED to watch Dan vs now
I want to make a fort!
Who's with me!
Awesome job, this chapter ruled!
5911213 You do, you really do.
5787251 A sad, yet true statement..
Justice, you are the King of Funny. I haven't laughed this hard in weeks!
Yet another fic that made me laugh so hard, that I fell off my balcony.
I'll be reading the rest inside, to avoid further injury.
I take off my hat to you:
Amethyst Dawn, at your service!
I loved making furniture forts...when i was a child!
orig03.deviantart.net/75ea/f/2012/302/5/2/dan_vs____i__ll_burn_this_place_to_the_ground_by_hellishsavior-d5japvb.jpg
3251906 I like to think of it as...
evening her out, so to speak...
""Tomato Garden!""
O-Olive garden? Huh? What?
Alternate story title: The Horror of Enablers.
7461208
Chris is a child along with dan and pinkie Elise is more the teenager babysitter would has why to much fun getting involved
I’ve had this happen after a ridiculous amount of sugar. I even solved the Unsolvable Equation, but forgot the answer after I crashed.
And....the hangover afterwards was very unpleasant.
MEAN.
9310280
Fixed. Thanks!
Sweet Luna's Tits! This series mixes two great things. And makes something even more amazing. And it only gets more amazing.
____________
Cap
_________
SQUEESSS!!!!
i.pinimg.com/originals/29/3d/17/293d17da846a9399d16d14de4553474b.gif
Every man's dream... God, I wanna build a fort now.