Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.: Chapter 119 Dan Vs. Butt Touching
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 14 Pinkie Vs. N.A.R.F.
Chapter 119 Dan Vs. Butt Touching
-ooooooo-
“You know we didn’t need to all take the same elevator!” Ninja Dave said as his face was pressed against the side of the elevator wall. He clutched a large Tupperware container full of cookies to his chest.
Dan shot a scowl across the crowded elevator, his face pressed up against one of the chrome doors. “Look, when entering unfamiliar territory, you don’t split the party up! That’s how the weak get picked off! And I’d at least like to make it to the first challenge before our sacrificial lamb bites it.”
“Heeeey!” Chris protested as he, too was pressed against one of the walls.
“I was talking about the teenager…” Dan qualified.
“Heeeey!” Gibson protested.
“Oh… alright then,” Chris said.
From the center of the elevator, Gibson frowned. “Where’s the love?!”
“Quiet you!” Dan snapped. “Love is for winners! Anyhow… Who’s touching my butt?!” Dan demanded.
Pinkie giggled. “Guilty!” She navigated a cookie up to her mouth with her free hand and took a bite. “Omn…Whfat I fwant to knwow fis”—Pinkie swallowed the bit of cookie in her mouth—“who’s touching my butt?”
“Oops, sorry,” Gibson said. “Here, let me just…”
Dan turned his head to glare at Gibson. “And you wonder why I hate you the most.”
Gibson shifted. “Alright, there…”
Elise shot Gibson an icy scowl. “Do you want to keep that hand?!”
“Ah! Sorry!” Gibson cried. “Let me just…”
Becky jumped slightly. “Duuude!” she wailed. “Not cool!”
Ninja Dave looked across the elevator to Dan. “Are you sure you need him to make it to the first test?”
“You know, I’m having second thoughts,” Dan replied.
“I’ll move my hand! I’ll move my hand!” Gibson said as he shifted again.
Amber narrowed her eyes. “Gibson, did you purposely position yourself so you’d be able to touch as many girls’ butts as possible? Also, please move your hand.”
“I can neither confirm nor deny that!” Gibson replied as he shifted slightly. “On that note, I apologize to whoever’s butt I’m touching now.”
Amber’s eyes narrowed further. “Still mine…”
“Oops!” Gibson said. He shifted again. “Alright, now I apologize to whoever’s butt I’m touching.”
“Eerrr… That would be mine,” Wally said.
Gibson frowned. “Wait, I missed a girl…”
“I’m touching my own butt!” D.H. announced happily.
“Me too,” Crunchy said. “It’s the only way to be safe.”
Scrunched against a corner of the elevator, one arm in a sling and the other wedged against Crunchy, Sarge frowned. “Alright, I feel left out now.”
Amber sighed, pressed herself against the wall next to Sarge, and shifted slightly. “Better?”
Sarge smiled. “Much better, thank you, sir!”
“Heeey!” Gibson protested. “How come no one is touching my butt?”
“I got you covered, brah,” Crunchy said as he shifted.
Gibson’s eye twitched. “Suddenly I regret everything.”
Chris chuckled. “At least I ended up with a good butt-touch-buddy.”
Elise smiled up at him.
“Chris,” Dan cried, “If I ever hear you say that word again, I will personally drive the bus that runs you over!”
Pinkie grinned as she looked at Dan. “I like the sound of ‘butt-touch-buddy’, butt-touch-buddy!”
Dan gritted his teeth. “EVERYONE BUT PINKIE STOP TOUCHING BUTTS!” he roared.
D.H. puffed out her lower lip slightly. “Well, where should we put our hands?”
“I DON’T KNOW!” Dan cried. “JUST…. GHAH!” he cried in frustration. He turned towards Dave again. “How long is this stupid elevator ride?! This would be faster if we had a couple of monkeys working a pulley!”
Ninja Dave shimmied up an arm and put a finger up to his lips. “Ssssshhhh… Not so loud! The N.A.R.F. is notorious about saving money wherever it can! They might just replace this old elevator with the monkeys!”
Dan rolled his eyes. “What?! They have money to monitor elevators, but not buy ones that were created around the turn of the last century?!”
Dave managed a small shrug in the tight confines of the cramped elevator. “They’re amazingly idiosyncratic like that.”
The elevator suddenly came to a stop.
“Oh, we’re here…” Ninja Dave said.
The doors to the elevator opened and the group spilled out of it into a pile on the floor.
Dan quickly stood up. “BEWARE!” he cried dramatically. “THE EMPLOYEES OF WALLY’S CUPCAKE AND MUFFIN EMPORIUM ARE HERE!”
Chris attempted to untangle himself from the mass of people. “It’s an empty hallway, Dan,” he informed.
“I know!” Dan cried. “I’m just practicing!”
Pinkie shot up next to Dan and took a bite of her cookie. “Omn…”
Dan glanced up at her. “You know you can stop touching my butt.”
Pinkie swallowed and nodded. “Oh, I know.”
“Alright,” Gibson cried from the center of the people pile, “now who’s touching my butt?”
“Sorry, sir!” Sarge replied.
Gibson sighed. “Dangit…”
“Sarge!” Dan called out. “Don’t call him, ‘sir’! He’s the Chris of the group and is therefore the lowest rank!”
Chris smiled. “Sweet! Promoted!”
Elise untangled herself from the group of people and helped Chris up. “The lowest rank was literally your name?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
Chris chuckled and rolled his eyes. “The joys of being in the Dan army.”
Dan and Pinkie stared down the long, dimly lit hallway as the people behind them began to clamber back to their feet.
“Oooooooo!” Pinkie said. “Old men pictures!”
“Hey, Ninja Dave,” Dan said, “what’s up with all the pictures of these shriveled up mummies?” He motioned out to the many pictures that lined the wall as Ninja Dave stepped up behind him.
Ninja Dave sighed. “Alright first, please don’t call them ‘shriveled up mummies’ to their faces. Second, they’re the eldest N.A.R.F. council members stationed here. They’ll be the ones who give you your test and will ultimately decide if you pass or fail.”
Dave pointed to a portrait of an elderly man with wild, white hair, a bushy beard, and bushy white eyebrows wearing purple robes. The old man’s right eye was open wide and his left seemed permanently half closed. Combined with a few missing teeth and a wild expression, the man looked somewhat crazed. “That’s Balthazar...”
Dave pointed at the next painting. Another man with white hair and beard, though shorter and with a black streak through the hair. This man had sharp, angular features and wore a brown suit over a yellow shirt with red tie. His fingers where half interlaced, half steepled as he smiled with a knowing grin. “That’s Caspar.”
Dave pointed to one more picture. A figure in black robes and a black cloak. Only his nose and chin where visible, the rest of his face cast in a dark shadow from his hood. “And that’s Melchior.”
Dan folded his arms. “Those can’t be their real names!”
Dave threw out his arms in frustration. “They’re some of the leaders to a secret organization of restaurant workers who sometimes kill people! Why would they use their real names?!”
“Looky, looky!” Pinkie cried excitedly as she pointed to another picture. The three old men were lounging on an active beach, wearing swimming trunks and waving and smiling at the camera, though Melchior still wore a black cloak that concealed his face.
“Whoa…” Becky uttered as she walked up to the painting. “Balthazar is ripped!”
“I know, right?” Elise said. “You could wash laundry on those abs.”
Dan glowered at the picture then looked at Dave with an irritated expression on his face. “Why do they have a picture of these guys at the beach down their long, dark hallway?!”
Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… Here’s one where they’re at the zoo!”
“What the heck?!” Dan cried. “Why would they put in these pictures of these guys doing normal people stuff?!”
Dave rolled his eyes. “Well, the council decided that a hallway full of pictures of old men just glowering and smiling smugly was a little too menacing.”
“Uhg…” Dan uttered. “Well they totally ruined the atmosphere.”
Dave sighed. “Are you going to complain the entire time we’re here?! Look, if you become a co-leader of a shadowy organization of restaurants and foodservice industry workers, I’m sure you can run it however you want!”
Dan narrowed his eyes and frowned. “Well, maybe I will then!”
“I’d like to see that!” Dave cried.
“GOOD! Because maybe I’ll just do that!”
“GOOD!”
“GOOD!”
“GOOD!” Pinkie said cheerfully before she took a bite of her cookie. “Omn…”
Dan and Dave turned and stared at her.
Pinkie grinned sheepishly. “I just wanted to be included… Omn…”
Dan sighed. “Let’s just get up to these stupid old geezers and get these tests over before you run out of cookies.”
The group made its way down the hallway, eventually stopping at a large pair of wooden, red-painted double doors with ‘NARF’ printed above them in large, solid gold lettering.
Pinkie stared up at the lettering and tried her best to stifle her laughter.
“This is it,” Dave said as he motioned to the doors. “Behind this pair of doors will be the men who will decide if everyone who works at the bakery is worthy to join the ranks of N.A.R.F.”
Pinkie began laughing once more. “HeheheheHAHAHAHAHAHA…”
Dan cocked an eyebrow at her. “Pinkie! Your life might be at stake here!”
Pinkie immediately pursed her lips and ceased laughing. “Oh right… Omn…”
Dan turned to face the group behind him. “Alright soldiers of Wally’s Emporium of Cupcakes and Muffins and also Wally himself, we have a tough challenge ahead of us. Unfortunately, some of you may die…”
A few members of crowd looked distressed and uttered sounds to match their expressions.
“… On the plus side,” Dan continued, “Gibson will be the first to go,—”
“OH, COME ON!” Gibson cried.
“—so we all have that to look forward to. As we go out there, I want you all to remember that this is about something more important than yourselves.” Dan motioned to Pinkie. “It’s about Pinkie. So if you find yourself lying on the ground and bleeding out from an incredibly painful wound to the abdomen, please take solace in the fact that your grisly and painful demise likely means Pinkie won’t suffer the same fate.”
Wally’s forehead began to perspire and he produced a handkerchief and began to dab at it.
Amber just stood with an unamused expression on her face.
Becky raised an eyebrow as she looked up at Chris. “Not much of a speech maker, is he?”
Chris shrugged. “Guess it depends on how much everyone likes Pinkie…”
“Woo-hoo!” Elise cried. “Go save Pinkie, guys!”
Sarge nodded at Dan. “We won’t let you down, sir.”
D.H. grinned widely. “Hurray for saving friends!”
“I kinda spaced out there for a moment,” Crunchy said. “What’s happening?”
Dave rolled his eyes. “You know the building does have a medic on hand and you are allowed to call 911 if someone is seriously injured.”
Dan narrowed his as at Ninja Dave. “Quiet! You’re ruining my dramatic build up!”
He and Pinkie turned back to the double doors.
“Are you ready for this?” Dan asked as he glanced at Pinkie.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Pinkie answered. “Omn…”
Dan nodded. “Alright, well before we go in there I just need to ask you one thing.:
“Yes, Dan?”
“Would you please take your hand off my butt?”
Pinkie sighed. “Fine…”
With that, Dan placed his hands on the knobs of the doors and pushed them open.
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That elevator scene reminds me of evangelion for some reason. Then again maybe it's just in my head because someone in the last chapter comment section mention evangelion.
Damn. A cliffhanger, right before the good part?
Awesome!
Yup, someone quite definitely wanted to get the Poit accross to Gibson. In quite some depth as well if he wasnt so lucky.
Hmm, Gibson. He should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky.
So sad he aint even worth a Rick Roll.
Being butt tuch buddies is great in elevators
And just like that I lost it.
I'm guessing they won't be allowed into NARF, and Dan will blow it up while playing cool guys don't look at explosions.
4548039
Never seen the show :P
talking about teenager…”
the teenager.
“One that note,
On
“I’m touching my own butt!” D.H. announced happily.
Clever Girl.
shriveled up mummies.”
Probably could end with a question mark. Since it's questioning
Ah, that was a short and sweet chapter. Well done.
You did miss the chance at making those door knobs butt shaped.
Although that may have been driving the joke into the ground.
Butt touching for all!
4548763 That would require approval from both northern Texas and Oklahoma. I'll see what I can do.
You have got to earn it Gibs, and you ain't there yet. Not by a long shot.
4547507
I really hope that isn't a precedent, because that is an as of yet unapproachable level of screwed up crap for this story, and it had cannibalism jokes.
Huh, Caspar reminded me of Gendo.
As to the story itself, the hallway of random pictures was possibly the funniest thing you've written yet, to me at least. No idea why, it just was so randomly ridiculous.
Also, I find Sarge to be awesome. he is officially the Chewbacca of the group. He don't say much, but he's the most awesome guy in the party.static.fjcdn.com/pictures/funny_020de1_561520.png
global3.memecdn.com/he-needs-your-services-now_o_241870.jpg
Though admittedly that last one is more Pinkie... or Uncle Disco.
I'm loving NARF. Poor Gibson. How can Wally from Burgerphile NOT be one of the senior members? Is he the guy in the hood? Did he retire? Speaking of Burgerphile, what about that store manager that Dan drove insane? Surely he'd be a member of NARF. I like to think that somewhere, he's managing a Lennys that Dan and Pinkie have not yet managed to destroy, cheerful and oblivious as the day of reckoning draws ever nearer...
4547705
Same here.
The love is in your home Gibson, She'll be very crossed if you're late for dinner again.
On
were
4548175 dont worry i think ill be fine and ill also have some new decorations on my wall if you come for me
Dan, I wouldn't be so eager to put Gibson on the spot. His mom will literally kill you if something happens to her baby.
4544241
4544085
Got these! Thanks!
4549645
4548581
Got these! Thanks!
Someone's played some Chrono Trigger
So many words, I guess I'll just read one a day and see how long that takes lol.
4553356 I'm over in MA, so I guess Popcorn is universal. My troop never did the Scout-a-rama tickets though.
I like it how Chris is now "promoted". Some credit his way, I think. Can't wait what trials are in store, though I could probably imagine a few myself.
4550717 Just loved this chapter--it was a great comedic bit that'd make an excellent skit for a sitcom or some sketch comedy program. After a while, I replaced the characters Gibson was interacting with and put people I knew in their place. One of these years we might just act this out...
4553615 Yeah, but XD-385 gave her a, uh, less innuendo-sounding name. I think it was Elina or something...
4552699 Um, one: I've no clue what Skylanders is, and two: that's just the pyromaniac's creed.
4555100 Discord! Whatever did we, to make you take our world away?
After a long, grueling 8 days of reading this, I finally went from Chapter 1 to 136.
400k+ words.
I'm so happy!
4560716
Yeah...
I don't care about Pokemon, and Twilight is actually my second least favorite, with Fluttershy being my least favorite.
4558406
*Instrumental Break*
4556490 Oh... Well, to explain, there was one commercial where Boomer, who's a troll that attacks with explosives, thought the solution to everything was to blow it up.
4549954 Uh, good luck with that. It would be 26 against 1 for starters, and I have slain several deities solo. Hell, I reduced Grima to ashes last time I met up with him. What? He was attacking Equestria, and I took appropriate action. No joke, the guy's the friggin size of the Crystal Empire. But yeah, good luck killing me. Oh, and I swung by the Pokemon dimension and picked up a dose of the Eternal Flame, which revives me if I die. So, good luck!
4566659 You know what Dan would say? Do you? Cuz I do. NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRDDDDD!
Only his nose and chin where visible
1. Were.
Well, now we know what Gibson's special talent is. Hello, cutie mark in groping!
Calling it: Casper is disguised discord.
Absolutely hilarious!
I kind of feel bad for Gibson with how everybody treats him, but I think I'd feel worse for Dan if Gibson gets hurt. Reality warping powers or no I think Love Tap would lay him out.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY.
Because I fucking love anime.... And I'm random.
I know that was Chrono trigger references, but still: img1.ak.crunchyroll.com/i/spire1/04102008/b/9/f/0/b9f0998ad65020_full.jpg
You bet he's ripped.
Butt touching, eh? Funny stuff!
Ironically, at the bottom, appears an add for site that sells ninja costumes... cuz you know, ninja Dave and shit...
If Gobson dies, Love Tap will murder everyone.
4800859 D.H. is a laugh a minute with her self depreciation.
7115504 With Snu-Snu?
*accessing reference database searching for:Balthazar(ripped), Melchior, and Caspar*
*Reference Match: Three Kings/Wise Men. Balthazar(ripped) Reference Match: Hugh Jackman once played/sang he part of Balthazar*
"And there you have it folks the reference database is out to steal the jobs of the Genre Savvy masses!"
*Hatter throws hammer at the Database....... It catches fire........ As you do*
"Wait, which caught fire the hammer or the Database?"
"Yes."
Isn't penny pinching the same way your last shadow organization died bro?
9486950
No it was actually cutting costs... Get it?
…hey, wait a minute! Balthazar? Caspar? Melchior?!
How the fuck, in all my time reading this, did I miss such an easy to get Eva reference?! Honestly, now I’m feeling a little self-conscious…