Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples: Chapter 103 Dan Vs. Amber
The Wheel and the Butterfly
A Dan X Pinkie Pie saga
Part 12 Dan Vs. Couples
Chapter 103 Dan Vs. Amber
-ooooooo-
Dan narrowed his ski mask-framed eyes at the silhouette of a woman in the schoolroom doorway. “You may think you have me at a disadvantage, but fortunately I brought back up.”
Amber tensed her body and glanced from side to side, looking for a familiar pink blur to come out of nowhere and deck her.
From a crouched position on the ground, Dan pointed at Amber and began to shout, “GO FOR THE EYES MR. MUMBLES, GO FOR THE EYES!”
Amber looked down as Mr. Mumble bounded up to her, rolled on her back, and began purring.
“DANG IT MR. MUMBLES!” Dan cried. “THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T SKIP REHEARSALS!”
“You brought a cat… to help you burn down the school?” Amber asked.
“First of all,” Dan began indignantly as he remained in his crouched position, “Mr. Mumbles is wearing an adorable ski mask, so she’s clearly equipped for a dangerous mission. Second of all,”—Dan attempted to stand, however his injured leg soon gave out from under him and he fell to a kneeling position—“OW! Why would you even think I came here to burn the school to the ground?”
Amber rolled her eyes. “Uh, because you’re you?”
“You don’t even know who I am!” Dan cried.
Amber sighed. “Dan, not only do you have a rather distinctive voice, very few adult men are your size, and both you and Pinkie mentioned your cat Mr. Mumbles numerous times in your questionnaires.”
Dan frowned as he reached up and pulled the ski mask off his head. “FINE! It’s me. Now one of us needs to give that cat belly rubs and since my traitorous leg is making walking difficult, I nominate you.”
“Ha!” Amber cried derisively. “You just want me to put down this bat so Pinkie can attack me without fear of getting pummeled.”
Dan shot Amber an unhappy-looking bemused look. “Do you really think you having a bat would be enough to keep Pinkie from beating the heck out of you?”
Amber paused for a moment, sighed, bent down, and began scratching Mr. Mumbles stomach with one hand as she continued to hold onto her bat with the other. As she leaned forward, her face appeared in the dim streetlight shining in from outside the school. Half of her face was a bright white color.
“Whoa… what the heck happened to you?” Dan asked.
Amber scowled at Dan. “Jean tried to make tea to calm me down, but ended up throwing it in my face in a panic.”
Dan knitted his brow slightly. “Wait… so half your face got scalded with water and now you’re like… half Joker? You’re kinda mixing your villains here…”
“No, you idiot!” Amber said angrily as she continued to scratch Mr. Mumbles. “It’s burn cream so I don’t end up with half of my face covered in scars!”
“Oh… Well, you’re kind of ruining your chances to become a supervillain here.”
Amber rolled her eyes. “Well if you’re not here to destroy the school, why are you here? And where is Pinkie? I would have figured she’d have made an appearance by now.”
“Pinkie is the reason I’m here,” Dan said.
“Oh?” Amber replied as she scrunched her brow slightly. “Don’t tell me you two are trying the whole ‘time alone’ thing again. You two hated that idea.”
“Of course not!” Dan cried. “That idea was stupid and you’re stupid for suggesting it!”
“Still holding onto a baseball bat, Dan,” Amber reminded.
Dan grumbled irritably to himself. “Anyhow, Pinkie was kidnapped.”
“WHAT?!” Amber cried. “Then why the heck are you here?! Shouldn’t you be working with the police or one of your dangerous friends?!”
Dan sighed. “The police don’t take my calls anymore and all my lousy friends are apparently too busy to pick up their phones.”
“Uh… okay…” Amber replied. “However, that doesn’t explain why you’re here.”
“I’m trying to find the Goodhill’s address,” Dan explained. “I figured you must have it somewhere.”
Amber’s eyes widened. “The Goodhills?!” Amber exclaimed. “You mean Jean…?”
Dan nodded. “Plus, that meddlesome hippy seems to have enlisted Jason and Jennifer into her twisted scheme. Lousy, filthy hippy…” Dan uttered. “They’re probably trying to indoctrinate Pinkie into their twisted cult of all natural foods and patchouli!”
“Uh, kidnapping seems like an extreme method to try to get someone to try to conform to what’s supposed to be a fairly peaceful way of life.” Amber raised the hand she had been using to stroke Mr. Mumbles and rubbed her chin. “I’m guessing there’s another angle here.”
Dan gasped. “Of course!” he cried as Mr. Mumbles bounded back up to him.
“What?” Amber asked.
Dan took Mr. Mumbles up in his arms. “They’re all jealous of Pinkie and I so they’re trying to separate us!” he said as he slowly raised to his feet and limped closer to Amber.
“Er, not very likely,” Amber replied.
“What?!” Dan said in a protesting tone as he walked within a few feet of Amber. “Why not?!”
Amber cocked an eyebrow at Dan. “You’re both kind of out of your minds? It’s hard to be jealous of something when you’re not quite sure what you’re looking at.”
Dan paused and thought about this, glancing at the ceiling briefly. “Well… you got me there…” Dan frowned and leveled an index finger at Amber. “If you’re so smart, why don’t you tell me what their angle is?!”
Jean glanced to the side as she scrunched her lips to the side of her face. “Hmmmm…” She snapped her fingers. “I got it! You’re a deranged psychopath right?”
“So I’ve been told,” Dan said casually as he stroked Mr. Mumbles.
“And both couples have had run-ins with you, right?”
“Yeah? So, what’s your point?” Dan asked.
“Well, they all probably think Pinkie’s a sweet, innocent girl that you somehow tricked into being your girlfriend.”
“WHAT?!” Dan roared. “Why would they think that?! Pinkie’s crazy about me!”
Amber rolled her eyes. “Emphasis on ‘crazy’.”
“Hey, I… er…uh… I guess I sort of walked into that one…”
“Anyhow, they only know Pinkie from yesterday. They didn’t know Pinkie decked me or have to read pages and pages of poetry or diagrams. Otherwise, they probably would have figured out she’s more trouble than she’s worth.”
Dan furrowed his brow and glared at Amber.
“What?” Amber replied.
“I’m trying to figure out if that was a compliment or an insult,” Dan said.
“Well, for what it’s worth, I think the chances of any of those four actually turning Pinkie against you are almost nonexistent.”
“Well that’s all fine and good, but I still want to kick down some doors, smash some couple' skull, and bring her back.”
“Dan, you’re outnumbered and clearly injured. What makes you think you can just go to whichever place they’re keeping Pinkie Pie at, swing your bat a few times, and walk out with Pinkie?”
“Well, for starters the Goodhills are hippies, so not good in a fight. Also, Jennifer and Jason are normies.”
“‘Normies’?”
“Normal people! Keep up! Geez!”
“Riiiiight… Look Dan, Jennifer owns a gun,” Amber said. “I’m guessing wherever she is, she has it on her given she just participated in kidnapping!”
Dan frowned. “Still going,” he announced with determination. “Pinkie would do the same for me, and besides, we’ve dealt with worse.”
“I don’t doubt it,” Amber said. “Still, one injured man with a bat against four people where at least one is armed with a gun doesn’t sound like great odds.”
“Excuse you! But I also have a cat!”
Mr. Mumbles mewed in response.
Amber rolled her eyes. “This is ridiculous."
Dan held out Mr. Mumbles. “Are you doubting my cat’s ferocity? She’s very fierce!”
Mr. Mumbles swatted out into open air. “Merrow! Hissss!”
“Look, why don’t I just call the police?”
Dan retracted Mr. Mumbles and began stroking her again. “Uh, ‘cause you kind of attacked your couples’ therapy session with a chair today and might have to deal with assault charges if law enforcement gets involved?” Dan replied.
Amber paused and thought about this. “Wow… uh… that’s actually a pretty good point…”
Dan sighed and shook his head. “No wonder you were going to keep me in anger management to help you run your little vengeance schemes. You’re lousy at this stuff on your own.”
“Alright, fine…” Amber huffed out. “My files aren’t in my desk though, I’ll have to go upstairs to get them.” With that, Amber turned and walked out of the room.
“Can I have my baseball bat now, please?” Dan asked.
“No,” Amber said. “I’m keeping it so you don’t smash up anything while I’m away.”
“Oh, come on!” Dan whined. “It’s already so smashed up! I didn’t think anyone would notice.”
“Mew?”
Dan looked down at Mr. Mumbles. “Alright, fine…” he huffed out as he began scratching behind her ears.
Mr. Mumbles purred in response.
Dan waited as patiently as he could, which involved lots of sighing, irritated grumbling, tapping his foot, exclaiming “How long does it take to get a couple of addresses?!” to no one in particular and screaming out “HURRY IT UP, ALREADY!” a few times.
Eventually, Amber walked back into the classroom holding a sheet of paper in one hand, a baseball bat in the other, and wearing a black sweater that matched Dan’s and a black beanie on her head.
“You kept your vengeance run sweater?” Dan asked in surprise.
“What?!” Amber cried. “It’s warm!” she reasoned.
“So you want to come with me, I take it?” Dan asked.
“Yes! If that crazy, ‘hippyer than thou’ girl thinks she can just kidnap my clients and try to fix them, she’s got another thing coming!”
“But… you hate Pinkie and I,” Dan said.
Amber nodded. “True, but I hate Jean more… and against all odds she’s actually inflicted the worst injury on me.” Amber put on a determined expression as she looked at Dan and pointed at him with the baseball bat. “Don’t try to talk me out of this! My mind is made up!”
Dan smiled and began slowly walking towards the classroom door. “Sweet! Let’s roll,” he said as he walked past Amber.
The uncovered portion of Amber’s face turned pale as if trying to match her lotion-covered side. “Wait!” she cried as she followed Dan. “You were supposed to talk me out of this!”
“Now why in the wide world of kidnapping couples would I do a thing like that?” Dan asked.
“Oh, I don’t know…” Amber replied as Dan and she walked through the school hallway. “Maybe because this is still kind of crazy?”
“Huh? Really?” Dan replied. “Seems pretty pedestrian to me…”
Amber cocked an eyebrow. “Overzealous couples kidnapping your girlfriend is ‘pedestrian’?” she asked flatly.
“Well, sure!” Dan said. “I mean… except the girlfriend part. A few months ago it probably would have been Mr. Mumbles here—“
“Merrow.”
“—or Chris, or even my microwave.”
Amber stopped walking. “You’d hunt down and attack a group of people because they stole your microwave?”
“Wouldn’t you?” Dan replied. “So anyways, what kind of brainwashing do you think they’ll try on Pinkie?”
Amber quickly caught up to Dan as she began to speak.
-ooo-
Back at the Goodhill’s house, the couples all had joined hands with Pinkie, or rather, the couples had joined hands and Jean and Jennifer had placed their hands on Pinkie’s shoulder on account of her still being tied to a chair. The group swayed and sang harmoniously.
“Someone's singing, my Lord, kum bay ya;”
“Someone's singing, my Lord, kum bay ya;”
“Someone's singing, my Lord, kum bay ya,”
“O Lord, kum bay ya.”
There was a brief pause before Pinkie spoke up.
“Wheee! That was actually lots of fun! Definitely the most fun I’ve ever had tied to a chair that didn’t involve Dan in any way!” Pinkie said.
Jean turned towards Pinkie and smiled. “Good! Well, now that you had time to reflect on your relationship with Dan, how do you feel about it?”
-ooo-
Dan raised an eyebrow at Amber as the two climbed into his red hatchback. “And that actually works?”
Amber shook her head. “Of COURSE it doesn’t work! At best it just calms everyone down a little bit and maybe gets people talking! It’s not like singing ‘Kum bay ya’ has magic behavior-changing properties.”
-ooo-
Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “I most certainly have!”
“Good!” Jean said. “Well, now is an excellent time to share your feelings.”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “My relationship with Dan makes me feel like I’m being slowly lowered into warm, moist, delicious cake that I get to eat and it makes me feel all gooey and happy inside and outside!”
The group let out a collective disappointed sigh.
Jean frowned. “Really?”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Yepper!”
Jean shook her head. “That’s not good.”
“It’s not? Why not?! Cake is awesome!” Pinkie paused momentarily. “…Would it help if I compared my feelings to Dan to a party that’s been thrown just for me by the universe’s greatest party planner who knows exactly what I like and makes sure I have a an absolooper-super-de-duper fun time full off all my favorite food, and games, and music, and dances and—”
“NO! That’s not good, either.”
Pinkie frowned. “Would it help if I made more baked good comparisons?”
“NO!” Jean said forcefully. “You’re not supposed to feel ‘good’ about Dan at all!”
“OOOOOOH!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Ooookay. That helps… uh… not at all actually!”
Jean sighed exasperatedly as she placed an elbow in one of her palms and raised her other hand to her face.
“I mean… I’m not sure how being tied to a chair and singing songs with you all is supposed to make me not like Dan. I mean… for one, being tied up isn’t exactly making me feel I can trust any of you.”
“She’s got a point,” Flynn said. “I mean, if we’re concerned she’s in an abusive relationship, we’re not really showing her a great alternative here. Maybe we should at least untie her. Show her she can trust us by establishing we trust her.”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down enthusiastically. “Yes, please!”
“Well…” Jean said. “I guess we can trust her a little bit…”
“Wait!” Jennifer exclaimed. “What if she’s just suggesting this so she can get away?”
“Awwww!” Pinkie uttered. “You guys are sharp.” She sighed to herself, “And I was so close, too.”
“Look,” Jean said. “I know you’re feeling hurt and confused—”
Pinkie nodded. “Yes, mostly because you four hurt me and now are confusing me.
-ooo-
Dan drove through the streets of California as the street light waxed and waned rhythmically, quickly washing the three occupants of the red hatchback in light then dimming again and again. “Alright, so if that won’t work, what do you think they’ll try next?”
Amber pursed her lips. “Well, while none of the couples involved here have been in an abusive relationship they’ve been at sessions with other couples who have… They might try showing Pinkie some of my material.”
Dan’s expression hardened. “Now wait just a damn minute…”
-ooo-
“Wait,” Pinkie began as she stared at a TV the screen, “I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?”
Jason paused and turned to Pinkie Pie. “…What are you talking about? There is nothing like that in there!” he said as he motioned towards the screen.
“OH!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Well, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span…” Pinkie paused and added, “Usually. I don’t have to do this because Dan and I watch awesome movies, but this one…” Pinkie trailed off.
“It’s not a movie!” Jennifer exclaimed. “It’s supposed to explain how to tell if you’re in an abusive relationship!”
Pinkie frowned. “I see… I thought you four just had horrible taste… Well… I guess I know what to look for if I ever find myself in an abusive relationship…”
-ooo-
“Meerrrrow! HISSSSS!” Mr. Mumbles spat out as she clutched to the backseat of Dan’s car.
With a panicked expression on her face and her body pushed as far back into the passenger side seat as was physically possible, Amber mustered her wits about her before speaking, “I didn’t say I thought you and Pinkie where in an abusive relationship. I just thought it would be the next thing the group tries!”
“Oh…” Dan replied. “I see…”
“Now… can you please stop almost crashing the passenger side of the car into things?!” Amber exclaimed.
“Eh… I’ll think about it,” Dan replied. “What else you got?”
“Well… they might try to be a little more direct,” Amber suggested.
-ooo-
“Alright, I have an idea,” Jennifer said.
Jean nodded and motioned towards Pinkie as Jennifer kneeled down so she could look Pinkie in the eye. “Pinkie, what is something Dan does that you don’t like?”
Pinkie pursed her lips. “Well…”
“Don’t worry, Pinkie. You can tell me, this is a safe place.”
“Uhhh…” Pinkie looked down at the chair she was tied to. “Erm like… safe in that the chances of me being fangoriously devoured by a gelatinous monster are rather low, you mean? ‘Cause as much as I love the nifty looking throw pillows and stuff hanging from the ceiling, being tied to a chair isn’t really making me feel at ease here.”
Jennifer sighed. “Just humor me.”
“Sure!” Pinkie cried. “Why does cattle take a long time to cross the street?”
“Uh…. Why?”
Pinkie giggled to herself. “Hehe… Because they’re being cow-tious!”
“Huh?” Jennifer replied. “No, that’s not what—”
Flynn chuckled. “I got it!”
“Ayyyy!” Pinkie said with a sly grin as she nodded her head in Flynn’s direction.
“No!” Jennifer cried. She took a quick, calming breath. “I meant you can tell me what Dan does that you don’t like.”
Pinkie glanced to her side for a second. “Oh… okay… then… ah… Sometimes Dan hurts someone that doesn’t necessarily deserve it.”
Jennifer nodded. “And by someone you mean…”
“Oh!” Pinkie looked out into space as she began listing off things. “Well… mimes, ventriloquists, beggars… pretty much anyone on the street that comes up to us… mourners, farmers, waiters, Uhhh… the Mormon Tabernacle Choir… I once saw him get so upset with a pigeon he lobbed a taco at it, erm…” Pinkie refocused her attention on Jennifer. “Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Clair Foy… Look, can I just say ‘celebrities’? It’s a really long list, otherwise…”
“Uh, I thought when you said someone, you meant you.”
“Huh? No way!” Pinkie said as she shook her head back in forth. “I mean… the rocky beginning to our friendship aside, Dan only hurts me if I deserve it!”
All the couples in the room immediately looked at Pinkie with a concerned look.
“What?” Pinkie said in confusion as she looked at all the serious faces.
“Pinkie,” Jean began, “there’s absolutely nothing you can do that justifies you being hit!”
“…Well what if I hit Dan first?” Pinkie said.
“Uh… well… that doesn’t mean he should hit you back,” Jean said. “He should try to defuse the situation with you gently.”
Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Uh… yeah… Okay, I know you think that sounds good and all, but you all haven’t seen me when I’m mad enough to start hitting. I’m pretty much way too far gone to be reached with words… So, Dan would just get hit more, then he’d be the one in the abusive relationship!” Pinkie paused as a cat-like grin spread across her face. “Also, I kinda like the part where we forgive each other, so…”
Jean sighed. “Well, is there anything nonviolent you’ve done that Dan’s hurt you over?”
“Sure!” Pinkie said. “Lots of stuff!”
“Okay, well Dan should at least never hurt you over that.”
Pinkie looked at Jean blankly and blinked a few times. “Uhhh… I’m not sure I can agree with you there…”
Jean sighed. “What can be so bad that Dan would have no recourse but to hit you?”
“… Do you really want to know?” Pinkie asked.
Jean nodded. “Yes! Please tell me.”
“Well…” Pinkie trailed off. “It’s not so much telling as showing…”
“Uh… can you show us without us having to untie you?” Jason said cautiously.
“SURE!” Pinkie said happily. “I mean… nOoOoOoOoOo~…” she said as she plastered on an unconvincing smile.
Jennifer sighed, “Just show us…”
“Rats! So close!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Alright… here I go… Uh… you all might want to stand back a bit…”
The group all exchanged glances and shrugged. They all stepped back and gave Pinkie a little more room.
Pinkie gasped in incredible volume of air, inhaling oxygen until her lungs were completely full. Once that was done she held her mouth closed with her cheeks puffed out.
“Uh… I don’t get it,” Flynn said.
Pinkie suddenly opened her mouth and let out what might be described as a low, whispery murmur…
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…!”
…If one was deaf and incapable of feeling vibrations that is, being that the volume and pitch of Pinkie’s particular scream was just enough to affect even the comatose. Of course, on those perfectly capable of hearing, it had a much different effect.
“AHHHH! MY EAR CANALS!” Flynn cried as he covered his ears with his hands. The other couples followed suit.
“HOW IS THAT NOISE POSSIBLE?!” Jean cried. “I’VE HEARD TUVAN THROAT SINGERS WHO COULDN’T MAKE THAT NOISE!”
“…EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO…!”
“SOMEONE SHUT HER UP!” Jason cried.
“I DON’T THINK SHE CAN HEAR US, JASON!” Jennifer replied.
“THEN HIT HER!” Jason exclaimed. “JUST MAaAaAaAaAaKE IT STOP!”
“BUT IF WE HIT HER, WE’RE NO BETTER THAN DAN!” Jean cried.
“WE ALREADY DRUGGED AND KIDNAPPED HER!” Jason shot back. “IF DAN CAN ACTUALLY PUT UP WITH THIS, I’M STARTING TO THINK WE’RE WORSE THAN HIM!
“LOOK!” Jean cried. “SHE’S GOT TO STOP AT SOME POINT! I MEAN, HOW LONG CAN SHE POSSIBLY KEEP THIS UP?!”
“...GGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH…!”
-000-
“Holy geez!” Amber exclaimed as Dan parked the car. “What the heck is that sound?! It’s like someone is trying to make music by putting a family of squirrels in a blender then setting up a dozen megaphones next to it!”
Mr. Mumbles laid down on the backseat of the car and covered her ears. Dan just smiled.
“What are you so happy about?” Amber asked.
“Oh, I just really liked that imagery you thought up there…” Dan replied.
“Uh… thanks?” Amber replied.
“…WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH…!”
“Seriously though, what is that?” Amber asked.
Dan unbuckled his seatbelt. “It’s Pinkie’s distress call.”
“Huh… well its sure loud enough. Maybe even too loud.” Amber said as she undid her own seatbelt.
Dan shook his head as exited the car. “I meant interplanetary distress call.”
“Oh,” Amber replied as she also exited the car.
“…FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIEIEIEIIEIEIEIEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…!”
“Does it work?” Amber asked.
Dan nodded. “Yep! An alien ship crash landed almost right in front of us the last time she used it.”
“WHAT?!” Amber exclaimed.
“…AAAAAAAAAAARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARGARFARGARYYYYYYYEPYEPYEPYEPYEPYEPYEPYEPEEEEEEEE…!”
“I thought you said it was a distress call!” Amber exclaimed.
Dan nodded. “Yes! A call for causing interplanetary distress!” Dan smiled. “It made my vendetta against the aliens that abducted me a rather short one.”
“…AEIOUEAEIOUEAEIOUEAEIOUEAEIOUEJOHNMADDENJOHNMADDENJOHNMADDENJOHNMADDENJOHNMADDEN…!”
“Well, we know she’s here,” Amber said. “Should we go in?”
“You want to get closer to the debilitating, ear splitting, headache inducing noise?!” Dan cried as he threw out his hands.
“Well, no…” Amber admitted.
“We’ll just wait for it to stop,” Dan said.
“How long will that take?”
“…BLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGBLAGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOGBLOG…!”
Dan shrugged. “Until someone hits her.”
“WHAT?!” Amber exclaimed. “You mean she’ll just keep on going like this until someone actually hits her?”
“Well, I mean, she can go for at least 10 minutes. After screaming, yelling, and shaking her didn’t work, that’s when I finally just tried kicking her in the shin.”
“…CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSSRADDARADDRADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDARADDA…!”
Amber looked at Dan in an expression of surprise with a touch of admiration. “You sat through ten minutes of this before you tried a violent act to get Pinkie to stop?”
Dan smiled and shrugged. “True love, baby.”
“So uh…” Amber said. “I guess… I guess we just wait here?”
Dan folded his arms and leaned against his car. “Yep.”
“…SNAKESNAAAAKESNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE…!”
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I picture the Moment Dan kicks down the door, He will be handed Pinkie and an apology Gift basket.
I knew the movie thing was a Simpsons reference and i still Lol'd.
lol her interplanetary distress call
i think this is the best chapter yet!
Sneaking in references in the screaming. Thought I wouldn't catch them, but I did.
*adds the game over tune at the end* Dun dun dun dunana, DUN DUN DUUN!
I feel sorry for those jerks... maybe .. who am i kidding, they kidnapped the wrong girl. Weird i thought Pinkie could easily untie herself .. maybe shes waiting for dan to do it
NNNNOOOOOKIITYYYYMYYYYCHEEESYYYPOOOOOFS!
Damn You.. Its 3 AM here and next doors trying to get to sleep and my ear splitting wall punching hilarity is making tier eyes water
The enemy of my enemy is my freind? No, they can be my vengence buddy on this run if they want.
Making the alien ship crash. Oh dear. Thats what you get for having delicate equipment round Pinkie. But its behind an inch af armor plating. Yup, but its not Pinkie proof plating is it.
Mr. Mumbled
Mumbles.
people were at
where
keep my in
me
kept you vengeance
your
swayed and song
sang
greatest part planner
party
and “I didn’t say I thought you and Pinkie where
were, and that and might be out of place. Maybe.
mimes, ventriloquist, beggars
Might be ventriloquists. Might be ventriloquins. Might be Ventrilo Servers. But I think it's just ventriloquists.
Okay, Amber and Dan... reconciling. Completely unexpected. And yet, somewhat sensible what with both having rage issues. Dan just embraces his while Amber tries to bury hers.
...Who would we even ship Amber with? She's got to be a temporary NPC. Right?
Minor errors were the only things I spotted, and those are likely from your incredible update speed! Well done sir! Keep it up!
Non-violent victory by Pinkie abusing the laws of physics again. Well, we'll see if it works that way, but that's what it's looking like now.
4270158 Rule of funny: Dan will have to remind her that she can untie herself before she actually does.
NICOLAS CAGE!
Hahaha...
I got metal gear solid, south park, and john madden from the shouting what are the rest please?
4270881
It was mostly random until I decided to do random references (though there is a very subtle reference to me first blog post)..
Though the John Madden thing was part of a larger reference:
Nice chapter and the Distress Call actually made me laugh!
JOHNMADDEN
I lol'd so hard
4269878 And he will still crack skulls and set something or someone on fire.
Pinke?
That ending
XD I love this stuff!
This is literally the best comedy story ever.
Pinkie forgot one.
1-media-cdn.foolz.us/ffuuka/board/tg/image/1356/97/1356973757700.jpg
Great chapter. I actually love seeing Amber and Dan team up for once...Heck, they could come out of this friends...ish.
And then the other couples are going to realize Pinkie's insane...I feel so bad for them.
And low, a Pink one had cast aside the laws governing the physics of this universe, and trumpeted such a call that the heavens themselves shook letting all know of her will...
"Did y'all hear something?..."
"Might've been Pinkie, but she's stuck in another world..."
"Do you think she could had screamed loud enough to hear across universes?"
"Don't be ridiculous. I'll just open a mirror portal and check..."
"ZOOOOOIIIIIDDDDDBBBBEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGE"
"..."
"Turn it off, turn it off!!!"
"Um, sorry for doubting you all..."
"what?..."
"..."
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Got these! Thank you!
4270881 Schnitzel is one I noticed.
I wonder if the aliens learned to ignore that noise...
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There's a bit of her environment getting to her going on here, Dan's world is definitely way more hostile than Equestria. I mean, less than 24 hours of her being there and she watched an entire store loss it over the fact that she didn't feel like buying a dozen outfits that looked exactly the same, let alone the very first person she met wanted to mug her and alluded that that's where things were going to begin.
Also season four seems to be making her crazier and slightly darker as it marches on, so we got that.
Glad you like it, otherwise though.
I for one am deeply saddened that Dan hates Ron Perlman. That man is awesome. I honestly hope he survived the encounter.
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He doesn't necessarily hate him (I'd imagine Dan probably really likes the Hellboy movies). This was a case of me being very subtle. The three actors listed where the main actors of Season of the Witch.
4278816
Now I'm imagining something horrible happening at the studio while filming/premier. That movie does deserve punishment (on general terms if nothing else) but I can't help but feel the actor's weren't to blame. Except probably Nic Cage. He probably doomed the movie when he signed on, like around 2/3 of all movies he's in.
That Snake distress call. John Madden!
Oh god man! The comedy!
O_O It's the Space Base spam!
“GO FOR THE EYES MR. MUMBLES, GO FOR THE EYES!”
Another Minsc reference. Yay!
I didn’t say I thought you and Pinkie where in
1. Were.
"fangoriously devoured my a gelatinous monster"
ahahahahahahahaah homestarrrrrrrrrrr
Minsc and Boo! Butt Kicking for JUSTICE!
Dan and Mr. Mumbles! Butt Kicking for VENGENCE!
Those are surprisingly similar.
“What the heck is that sound?! It’s like someone is trying to make music by putting a family of squirrels in a blender then setting up a dozen megaphones next to it!”
Or maybe a bunch of squirrels tied TO a megaphone.
Somewhere in the world, two centuries ago, a boy dressed as a Indian stops and lets fall a single tear of pure inadequacy.
4980520 "Dave the Barbarian/Huge, but a Wimp..."
I laughed so hard when I pictured this. I am evil. I also hate squirrels. Damned bushy-tailed rats in my attic all the time, ripping my trees to pieces for their crappy nests that blow down in the first moderate breeze, then they rip the trees up even more! And dig up my bulbs, and eat my corn, and chew into the bird houses, and tore up my screens, and uproot my garden seedlings, and dig in my potted plants, and... you know, I think my hatred of them is pretty justified now.
This is the purest of pure madness.
This is the finest parody satire of a fanfic farce ever created.
Mel Brooks is jealous of you for creating this.
We have here a story of a supreme mad genius.
5081203 I once had a dream were squirrels lured me into a forest and killed me.... And that's the story of how I have so many fur hats!
Ah moonbase alpha. Truly the couples have it bad.
I get the feeling they're just going to literally throw Pinkie (and the chair she's tied to) out the door and then run away.
That's what I'd do in this situation anyway, XD
Dat ending.
Also
Radda radda, RADDA!
I thought this was gonna come up when they took their trip through Utah and Idaho, but that's okay. They mess with my peeps in this fic, but I guess that's expected. At least they're recognized! Lol :)
...AND now ive lost my bloody mind all over again. that interplanetary distress signal. why you so awesome, Pinkie! and jeeze. this material is just amazing platinum levels!
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So...Dan declared vengeance on Season of the Witch? ...yeah, I can see it.
Ron Perlman? The cad, NO-ONE hurts Hellboy & gets away with it!
AHHH MY EAR BALLS