Chapter 3 - Lost Innocence
NOTE: Dark Tag has now been applied as a precaution This chapter should be as dark as things get. No gore tag.
Twilight,
Important. Gather friends at library, guards on the way. Ensure guards are with you at all times. Will explain once at castle.
Celestia
Twilight’s eyes quickly scanned the contents of the letter, widening at the brevity of it. As she went to put it down, the door burst open, revealing the pegasus guard that was assigned to her front door that evening.
He saluted, quickly throwing up his hoof before setting it right back down, turning to face the door he had just barreled through. “Princess, potential threat outside. Please, remain here and be prepared for anything.” he spoke quickly, conviction in his words. As soon as he finished his statement, he ran right back out the door, leaving a confused Twilight and Spike behind.
After a moment, Twilight, against the guard’s advice, rushed off after him. “Spike, c’mon!” she ran down the hall, taking the stairs in one go as she used her wings to aid in her descent. The sight she saw chilled her blood.
A dark stallion was chuckling, standing over the still form of the pegasus guard, wiping a red liquid from his blade on the guard’s coat. His eyes turned up, noticing her. “Oh, so the prey comes to me… how convenient.”
Twilight’s eyes widened as she reflexively charged a stun spell, trembling at the turn of events. Spike huffed down the stairs as she unleashed it, a bright, violet aura that quickly zoomed towards the mysterious assailant. His eyes narrowed and focused on the incoming beam, rolling to the side last second, causing it to detonate harmlessly against the wall. The resulting bang shook the walls, toppling books to the library floor.
“Who are you and why are you doing this?” Twilight cried out, still trembling as she held her ground at the base of the stairs, Spike right behind her. She levitated the downed guard out of the way even as she charged another spell. The stallion moved forward in a blur, closing the distance between them in a near instant.
His blade bounced off an invisible barrier that briefly shimmered lavender, causing Twilight to cringe slightly at the feedback from the shield. Spike pushed his way forward, an angry look in his eyes. “You may simply call me Noctus.” the stallion taunted, stepping back with a grin.
“Twi… I’m sorry.” Spike said before deeply inhaling. Moments later a jet of bright orange flames leapt from his mouth, consuming objects in its path. While the enchantments laid onto the bookshelves and the floors kept the inferno from consuming them, those books that had already fallen to the ground were turned to ashes within seconds.
A strangled scream tore its way through the air as the flames petered out from Spike’s mouth with a wheeze. Scents mingled in the air, the overriding one making Twilight sick to her stomach. She had only smelled it once before, at a restaurant that catered to carnivores; that of seared meat. As the scattered ashes of the burned books fell to the ground, the smoke began to clear.
Spike rested his claws on his knees, bent over and tired. Twilight simply stared slack-jawed before forcing her focus to where she had last seen the assassin. What she saw left her revolted and scared at the same time. Charred flesh streaked down his side, the cloak and hairs on much of his body gone. Somehow, he was still standing, although on three legs, and had a mad look in his eyes as his horn charged with a spell.
Twilight simply reacted, recalling a spell she had once asked Luna about. Celestia, forgive me… Before he could release his magic, a dark sword shot out from her horn, impaling his neck. Spike simply hugged her as the last bit of air escaped from the assailant’s mouth, his body keeling over.
The sounds of fighting had not gone unnoticed. Rarity ran through the front door of the library, dignity and looks the last thing on her mind as she took in the scene before her. She had been beyond alarmed at the body of the stallion laying outside the entrance, and the scene inside was even worse.
Twilight was standing over the body of another guard, frantically running magic through him. Forgotten was the body of a stallion, flesh charred along one side and lying in a pool of his own blood, eyes glazed over in death. Spike was next to Twilight, even as she was furiously casting magic.
“No! You can’t die! You can’t!” she sobbed, collapsing on the ground as Spike did his best to support her. Rarity hesitated a moment herself before rushing forward.
“Twilight, darling… Are you okay?” She carefully dodged charred paper and ash as she rapidly moved to Twilight’s side, helping Spike lift her up. Now on her hooves, Rarity and Spike carefully made their way to the kitchen, keeping Twilight supported between them. She was completely unresponsive, shudders wracking her frame every few seconds.
“Can you watch her, Rarity? I need to get a letter to Celestia.” Spike quietly said as they set Twilight down in a chair. Her hooves shot out and wrapped around him, causing him to let out a sigh. “Upstairs, her bedroom. Desk to the left of the bed, top drawer. Inkwell, quill and parchment please.”
As Rarity charged off with simply a nod, Spike squirmed in Twilight’s grasp, wrapping his arms around her neck and quietly whispering to her. He recalled a specific remark Celestia had made shortly after Twilight’s coronation.
Spike… as you are no doubt aware, with Twilight’s new position, there may come a time when you have to aid in her defense should she be targeted. Dragonfyre… it’s a potent weapon, and should stop anything that threatens her.
Spike sighed as the clop of hooves reached his ears, causing him to twist in Twilight’s hooves again as Rarity came back into sight. As the materials settled onto the table’s surface, Spike picked up the quill and quickly scribbled out a note, not even bothering to roll it up as he sent it moments later.
Wheezing, Spike fell back into Twilight’s hooves as Rarity rooted through the cabinets, looking for some tea. Settling on some herbal tea, she quickly prepared the kettle as she walked to Twilight’s side.
“Twilight,” she began, still not getting a response from her, “darling… you need to say something. We need to know how you’re doing.” Rarity gently rested her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, causing her to slowly turn her head.
As their eyes met, Rarity read a deep sorrow contained within, sorrow mingled with pain and shock. As the kettle began boiling, Rarity deftly used her magic to steep the tea even as she encased Twilight in a hug, being mindful of Spike between them.
A pegasus in light armor rushed into the room a minute later, skipping the customary salute as he took in the scene before him. “Princess, the premises are currently being secured… what the buck happened here?”
Spike spoke up, still wrapped up within her hooves. “We had the guard…Frequency, I think, rush in and notify us about a potential threat outside. Twilight rushed downstairs in time to see a stallion, well…” he trailed off, an uncomfortable expression on his face. “There was some exchange of magic before I torched him, and Twilight had to stop him before he could cast anything else.”
The guard nodded at Spike’s tale, eyes constantly scanning the surroundings. Another pegasus walked up, nodding to the first. “Well, the premises are secured, it seems the only assailant is the one currently on the floor. We’ve dispatched guards to retrieve the other Elements, and carriages should arrive within the next half hour.” he paused, ignoring the glare Rarity was giving him. “We’ll remain outside until the carriages arrive… I assume it’s okay to send your friends through?”
Rarity’s expression softened, and with a nod the guard turned and left the room. She set down the cup of tea in front of Twilight as Spike wormed his way out of her grasp at last. “Twilight… you need to drink this.” he spoke quietly, working to get some response out of her.
After a few moments of nothing more than a few blinks, Spike sighed. “Twilight! You’ll be tardy if you don’t start drinking this!” he belted out to the best of his ability, voice still raw from the earlier flames. Twilight barely started, her wings slightly rustling as she shook once more.
Celestia paced in her study, having foregone hoof-writing in favor for magical dictation as she prepared for multiple potential scenarios. Jason and Luna simply looked on, both anxious as well as they awaited word from Twilight. A flash of green interrupted them all as Celestia caught the single sheet of parchment.
They both knew it contained dire information as Celestia’s expression fell through the floor, her wings quivering at her side further telling her emotions.
“Sister? What is it, did something happen?” Luna asked, jumping to her hooves and rushing over as Jason sighed, Philomena squawking as he disturbed her perch on his lap as he stood. She picked the paper from Celestia’s hooves, her eyes widening even as she let out a small sigh of relief.
Attacked, guards killed. Had to use fire, but Twilight finished him off so he couldn’t get off a spell. She’s in a bad way.
Spike
Celestia let out a sigh of her own, leaning into her sister. “It would seem our warning was a bit too late, and as a result Twilight has lost more than her innocence in the process… I was dreading the day this would come; I’d hoped it would be much, much later in the future.” Jason placed a hand on her shoulder, offering the best smile he could muster.
“Celestia, while it may be true that this is going to be hard on her… you should know better than I how resilient she is.” he said, offering words of comfort. “It may take some time, but just like my own issues, they can slowly be worked through. And she doesn’t have hundreds of years of them, just this one instance.” Jason smiled humorously, eliciting a dry chuckle from Celestia and a slight frown from Luna.
“While that may be true, Jason, this is still a dire issue. Twilight’s innocence is something that was never taken lightly, and without it…” Luna trailed off, a small amount of discomfort in her words.
“Relax, Lu… Jason has a good point.” Celestia said, putting her full weight back on her hooves again. “So long as she had her friends with her, she’ll come through it, like always. She has too…”
The chariots touched down at the castle grounds to a group of ponies anxiously awaiting their arrival. Of all the ponies in the group, Shining Armor was the first one who made it to the carriage’s door, opening it up and sticking his head inside even as the wheels had barely came to a stop.
“Twilight?!” he cried, sighing loudly as he took in her apparently unharmed state. “Oh, thank goodness… I was so worried about you when Celestia told me what happened…” he supported her as she slowly hobbled out of the carriage, her friends out and by her side within moments. She stood on shaky legs, a far off look within her eyes. Jason waded through the group, offering muted greetings as he kneeled in front of her.
“Twilight?” he quietly spoke, ignoring the gasps that came as everypony around him noticed his wings and hair. He quietly gazed into her pained eyes with an understanding deep within his, and she slowly responded to him.
“J-jason? W-what…” she slowly stuttered, causing him to gently rest a finger on her lips. He carefully picked her up in his arms, hugging her tightly to his body.
Guards escorted the group back inside, the mass of ponies centered around Jason and Twilight. Spike rode on Celestia’s back, the entire time quietly talking to her of the events that occurred at the library. Everypony questioned Jason as they walked through the halls before finally coming to Celestia’s study, where more furniture had been brought in to accommodate everypony.
Jason was the first to enter behind Celestia, taking the edge of a sofa as he gently lowered Twilight down next to him. She gave him a look of thanks, too tired to even speak as she laid her head down on his lap with a sigh. Once everypony was gathered in the room, the doors closed, guards posted outside and inside.
“Everypony… recent events that have transpired today require that we keep everypony here at the castle, where we can best guard you.” Celestia began, passing out drinks. “This morning, an assassin from the cult known as Nocti Lunarum made an attempt on my life. He was using Night’s Bane,” Rarity gasped at the poison’s name, “and it’s only thanks to Jason that I was unharmed. He took the blade himself rather than let it strike me.”
“Darling,” Rarity began, “am I correct in assuming that your… new look is a result of this, somehow? There’s no way that you should be alive if it truly was Night’s Bane. From what I recall, it has a kill time of thirty seconds to two minutes.”
Jason sadly chuckled as Philomena perched atop his head, peering down at him. “It is, somewhat anyways. I did indeed die, although something in me… brings me back.” he simply stated, then spoke again to head off any further questions. “It’s a long story, and one best saved until after Celestia is done filling us in.” Jason calmly stated, attentively watching Twilight.
“Indeed. After speaking at length to Jason about his… abilities, Shining Armor and myself interrogated the assassin, where we learned a few startling things. Firstly, it is a cult that is attempting to bring back the Nightmare that once possessed Luna.” The mare in question and Jason both shivered at the same time as Celestia continued. “Secondly, their targets include myself, Twilight, and potentially Cadance and anypony linked to us. However, Cadance is literally an empire away, so she should be safe. Last, and the most worrying, these are only the first attempts they’ll try.” she finished, setting down her tea and forcing her visage to reflect a calm and collected leader rather than the slightly panicked mare she was, her vision locked on Twilight.
“So…” Applejack drawled out, “what Ah’m getting from this is that it’s bad news all around, then?” Celestia nodded as she looked around the room. “What exactly are we supposed to do in the meantime? Ah don’t know ‘bout you, but someponies” her eyes briefly darted to Rainbow Dash, “can’t just sit around. If’n we can help in some way, that’s what Ah’d like to do.”
Celestia pursed her lips in thought for a moment. “...I don’t know, Applejack. This group means serious business, and all of you, as the Bearers to the Elements, are extremely important to Equestria. If even one of you were to be severely injured, or worse…” she trailed off, a dark look in her eyes, “it could very well spell doom for Equestria in the future.”
Of all ponies, it was Fluttershy who spoke up next. “Umm, Princess…” she hesitantly began, before finding her confidence, “If they’re after you, Twilight, and maybe even us, well… I’d think it would be best if we did what we could to help. Even if it’s something as simple as digging through books, or,” she looked directly at Twilight, “being there for our friends. We can’t just idly sit by.”
Luna spoke next, her voice amazingly quiet, yet filled with authority. “Very good point, Fluttershy. Just know that my sister is currently thinking with the safety of everypony involved.” she stood up and began pacing around the edge of the room, thinking. “Currently, not much is known of this group. Celestia had been keeping tabs on them, but it seems as if they have slipped out from underneath her spy’s hooves.” Celestia offered up a short protest, “Fine, underneath her informant’s hooves. Between their use of Night’s Bane, and the fact that two assassins are simply the tip of the iceberg, there is much to be uncovered.”
“Still,” Pinkie interjected, slightly swaying in place on her spot on a couch, “if we can do something to keep these meanies from hurting our best friend Twilight again, we’ll do anything. I do mean, anything.” Everypony, Jason and Philomena included, couldn’t help but shudder at the emphasis Pinkie placed on her last word.
Jason looked on in concern at Twilight, noting how not once throughout the discussion so far had she spoken up, or even asked him about the wings. “Celestia…” he quietly spoke, everypony’s attention focusing on him. “Do you mind if I go on a walk with Twilight to… talk about things?”
Celestia went to object at first, then slowly nodded her head. “Yes… I think that’s a good idea.” she directed her head towards the two guards posted inside. “Sergeant, please ensure that a small contingent follows them but have them keep their distance.”
Jason quietly got up, picking Twilight up once more as he reassured everypony in the room. “Don’t worry, we’ll be back soon. Hopefully with a certain pony feeling much better.” he quietly exited the room as Celestia and the other Elements began to argue as to their usefulness.
Quietly, he walked through the corridors with a specific location in mind. Twilight looked at him curiously, almost overriding the other emotions contained within her eyes. Jason gently smiled in return, no words exchanged between them.
A slight breeze signaled his destination was near, and he passed underneath an archway to come out into a small interior courtyard, a pool of water in its middle. Walking up to its edge, he carefully sat down, Twilight still in his lap, and sighed.
“So…” he quietly began, eyes roving around noticing the guards perched on the rooftop, “talk to me, Twi. I’m all ears.” As if he had spoken the magical words, a dam burst, tears streaming from her eyes as she buried her head within his chest. He simply held her close, arms around her neck, comfortingly stroking a hand through her mane.
They remained like that for some time, the tears pouring out as Twilight’s soul cried for itself, and her lost innocence. For nearly twenty years, she had been Celestia’s pupil, able to pursue magic and its application without worrying about any consequences. Today, however, the blinds that had been in front of her had been pulled away, and the harsh truth had come and made itself known.
The tears slowly dried up, soft hiccups replacing the sobs. Jason gently patted her on the back, knowing just how to comfort his friend. She looked up, thanks evident in her expression before she even spoke. “Thanks, Jason…”
He smiled, internally sighing in relief. “So, my therapist… Guess it’s my turn to play doctor, no?” she let out a forced chuckle at his poor joke, slowly getting out of his lap and laying down to his side.
Twilight let out a long sigh, not truly knowing where to start at. “I believe, as my own therapist told me, it’s best if you just ‘pick a place and go from there.’ I have a really smart one, you know?” Jason spoke, getting another chuckle, this one not forced, from Twilight.
Her mouth opened as the words began pouring out. “It’s just… I never though…” she began, still uncertain where to start. Taking a deep breath she tried again. “I never thought about what being Celestia’s pupil, a princess, what it truly meant. I always say the positive sides, but I willingly put blinders on as to what could happen to me because of it. I mean, even as just her pupil, I was a pretty tempting target. And now, as a princess, I’m even more of one.” she angrily snorted. “How could I’ve been so bl–” Jason cut her off.
“No, Twilight. You can’t blame yourself, and you know it. Although you might’ve ignored what might happen, the fact that it did… you can’t lay that at your own hooves.” he quietly, but strongly remarked, then went quiet so that she could continue.
“Still, Jason… I should’ve realized that getting marriage proposals from stallions I’d’ve never known wasn’t the worst thing about being a princess. Now, two… not one, but two guards are dead for me. I didn’t even know them that well, I almost acted as if they weren’t even there before tonight!” her anger continued to build as Jason placed a hand on her shoulder. Twilight let out a long sigh and then took another deep breath. “Now, though, I’ve also killed a pony. It’s… the first time that I’ve had to do it. I recognized the spell he was charging, even after being burned by Spike’s Dragonfyre, he was capable of magic. I had no choice, if that spell had gotten off, it would’ve potentially leveled the library… I had no choice..” she trailed off, a far-off look entering her eyes again.
Jason quickly hugged her, forcing her to focus on him rather than her thoughts. “Twilight… everypony at some point in their lives has a crisis of faith, no matter what that faith is…” he trailed off, briefly dwelling on his own crisis of faith all those years ago he endured, “You can get past it, though. You have Celestia and Luna who both know exactly what you’re going through. I also understand it somewhat…”
He released his hug, simply staring into her eyes. Twilight briefly blushed before surging her muzzle forward, fiercely kissing him, her tongue playing against his lips. Jason was shocked and simply sat there, their lips locked together as one. Moments later he reactively leaned into it, emotions running high with both parties.
They both separated, somewhat breathless, and awkwardly looked at each other. “So,” Twilight began, turning away slightly, “you said you understood what I was going through… how so?” she asked, attempting to ignore their kiss.
Acting to her wishes, Jason ignored the previous action, at least for the moment, and obliged her question. “Well, would you believe me if I said I’ve been wandering Equestria for the last thousand years or so?” he lightly chuckled as Twilight looked back at him, shock written on her face.
“No way…” Twilight said, disbelief in her voice, causing Jason to laugh this time.
“Yup, you see…”
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Somehow, this was in my mind for a large portion of the chapter while writing it...
FIRST! FIRSTFIRSTFIR-... NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
Anyway, ON WITH THE READING!
Allrighty, this has been read and is now being reviewed =). This isn't QUITE as tear-wrenching as it's probably supposed to be, you probably should have built up the characters more so the readers could really sympathize with them. Other than that, great chapter as usual, and I'm off to go read Ri2's latest story. (You probably wouldn't know him)
Random kiss is random. Don't wanna know what would happen if Shining found out. I like this story a lot, it has an interesting explanation to his immortality. I hope this goes on for at least 30 chapters. If not, oh well, still a good story.
Why is it do I always forget there's a romance tag! Anyway, good chapter, wish there was a little more dialogue from jason though.
3202520
I'll review it after my next session of sleep. I was going more for a solid action beat, and then a feels-y moment more so than tear-wrenching. Then again, with the time of its writing, who knows what I was truly thinking. I'll see if any tweaks need to be made later on.
3202549
Yup, it sure is. And then promptly ignored. Fun what happens when emotions flare and logic goes buh-bye. We'll see if anything comes of it...
3202583
Lol, yup. I have a hard time staying away from romance... Plus it makes for a nice down time between the action. I'll admit this chapter was more focused on things outside of Jason, I do promise more focus on him moving on though, now that everyone is assembled.
'Reactively leaned into it.' Reactively.... I like that word. A lot. Far more than instinctively. We all know how annoyingly much that word comes up around here!
Who the fuck is jasin?
3202642
Lol, fixed it. Thanks for pointing that out, I frequently slip between the 'i' and 'o' at times. Tend to catch them all, but one did slip through. Hope you liked the chapter, and thanks for pointing that out.
3202601
Lol, instinctively does get used a lot, doesn't it? Hope you enjoyed the chapter.
SHIEEEEET!
Really liking the story so far SC, you also have the greatest knack for cliffhangers.
Well... That sucks for Twilight. Not sure how else to put it.
Huh. For some reason I was expecting it to be Jason X Celestia, not Jason X Twilight. Not complaining though.
I really liked Spike's reaction to Twilight being in danger. Is he also going to have some emotional issues from burning that guy so severely? It could be interesting if he doesn't respond the same way as Twilight, being a dragon and all I could see him reacting much differently than a pony.
And I thought the romance tag was for Celly, well we will see.
3202856
Glad to hear it, although this wasn't so much of a cliffhanger as a drop-off where it's presumed he is simply rehashing what he already told Celestia. Thanks for the praise, though!
3202871
Yeah, but character turmoil is a good method to shake things up.
3202877
This was intentional. If you've ever noticed, i and y can be interchangeable in older writings (If I recall). I also pulled it from how I've seen wyrm spelled, another term for a dragon in fantasy. Ergo, Dragonfyre, instead of Dragonfire. More for appearances sake than anything. The rest, well... I wrote it in a short period of time and just posted it before getting reading for work.
3202887
Romance is anyone's guess... What it ends up being is going to be... FUN!
As for Spike, we'll see. I think I'm going with the approach of him being a protector for her. Having to finally protect her, well... time will tell. I wanted Spike to be useful for once.
3202889
Yes, we will see...
3202911 Indeed we shall.
3202877
It's an archaic spelling used to indicate intense or magical flames.
3202911 I never said it wasn't. I just can't believe that had to happen to her. It's a great twist to your already winding story though. And yes, finally somepony makes Spike useful. The poor guy gets way too much hate as it is.
3202887 I wouldn't think so, while he's still young he's still a dragon, it wouldn't surprise me if combat was in their blood.
3202887>>3202889
I originally saw it as Celestia, then possibly Luna, and now it's Twilight. Guess we'll have to wait and see where this goes...
3202911 *narrows eyes* Was that a hint? Or are you trying to confuse us?
3203252
I can say this. It's going to take everyone by surprise.
3203268
Oh hell no, if he ends up with Blueblood I'll hunt you down and stick your tongue to a frozen street pole, then I'll staple a sign to your back that says 'I'm a complete and utter troll and you should hate me'...
3203268
Casted is not a word. Cast is used for both present and past tense when it comes to magic... Sorry, that just kinda bugs me. Otherwise darn good chapter
3203252
*Grammar Nazi Mode Activate*
A Celestia? How about as Celestia?
3203413
is haz dun bun fixd. thx bruh;
3203413
Wow... It's painful even for myself to read that...3203430
3203413
I blame it on writing it when I did, yup, sure am.
Yesh yes, when I get home I'm going through it for the details like that one...
And why is this story so stuck in my head? Already a good chunk into the next chapter...
Great chapter. I hope we will see more flashback's and find out became friends with the princesses and met the mane six.
Ya' know, this might be a really, really awkward conversation if your phoenix-centric HiE fic didn't take a completely different avenue from my own horrible phoenix-centric HiE fic.
Regardless, I'm a bit of a fan of stories involving the fiery fowls, so I'm definitely looking forward to where you take it. (And eternally thankful it's somewhere far removed from where I'm taking my own story.
)
Favorited/followed, because I need all the help I can get writing immortal humans, and stories in general.
And then there's the whole firebird thing.
I'm likin the story and to that i say /)(\ if that helps
Yay shipping!
I was a little wary at first. but now i like this.
No cellyXhuman, You were to young to die! Wait... you have some evil plan dontcha. You just gonna drag our emotions threw the mud and pair 'em with a rock!
did anyone else see a hint of
when they read this line?
3204041>>3203684>>3203341
Romance will keep you on the edge of your seat until it happens. I will say that he will not be in a polygamous relation. One, and only one, will be chosen.
3204318
'twas the intention. : )
3203686
Glad to hear I've sold you on the concept. Hopefully you'll enjoy the future installments!
3203612
Huh, there are other phoenix stories out there? Nifty. Glancing at yours, I can indeed say we are vastly different on the premises. Hope you enjoy it
3204377
Emotions lead to actions that aren't always well thought out. While I haven't had a chance to supply a massive backstory of how he met everyone, how they became friends, etc., I did make mention that Twilight was instrumental in him learning the 'modern' information in regards to Equestria, as well as the few jokes that were cracked.
However, is this shipping? Not really. A kiss =/= shipping. There will be some, eventually, at some point between him and one other character. It also serves a purpose, in which we will be seeing sometime in the future.
3204388
I try to get to most comments, although I do miss some here and there, and ignore others on occasion. And I do have a plan, although it is still a very fluid one subjected to change on the whim of inspiration. Glad that you seem to be enjoying him, and I plan to. Got a nice chunk of the next chapter done now.
3203430
Get out the translator, I think its trying to communicate.
Hey, I'm Nick.
3204445
Lol...
...
Have you ever had someone actually say lol in a verbal conversation? I find it so incredibly lazy.
Eventually someones going to invent a form of mental communication so that we never have to open our mouths at all to interact. Then somebody will hack them and turn everyone into his slaves.
Then someday a random nobody will break free and sacrifice himself to turn off the technology in an attempt to free everyone, but since everyone was so dependent on it, they all die.
...
The moral of this story is laziness will both elevate and end the human race.
Am I the only one that kinda wants to see it become Jason X Philomena somehow? That would definitely put a spin on things while also giving Philomena more attention that I feel she seems to lack elsewhere. :P
J-light romance Is bad. Luna all the way.
3204490
Have you ever said wtf is wrong with you in conversation, saying the letters w, t, and f?
I have. I got punched in the groin.
Moral of the story, never say wtf is wrong with you in conversation in real life. But since I'm on the internet I can say it.
But I'm not going to say it to you. I'm just going to say lolwut?
3205108
Exactly
That kiss just came out of left field for me. Perhaps it's because I have no context since there was hardly any build-up. For starters we hardly know what Twilight and Jason's current relationship and past are. The only thing we know is that she was his therapist.
It's also hard for me to care about this since I hardly know Jason yet.
Right now all that's been revealed is a cookie cutter personality. I'm immortal now so let's just help people and wander around and not do anything else productive. No dreams or ambitions. No faults or quirks. Everyone loves him, but luckily this is post-angst stage of establishing bonds so it's forgivable. Well, except for Luna. Poor Luna.
There was zero interaction with him when they had their meeting. No small talk or anything. Something like this:
Applejack asks, "Hey, Jason. How are your chickens doing?"
Jason replies, "They were delicious."
You know, just to make it seem realistic and organic.
I do love your story though. Just giving feedback for improvement. I know I like it even if it's hard to take. Mmhmm.
This chapter was very good, but I really do not think the "dark" tag is appropriate because it is really not a central theme of the story and this was just one semi-dark chapter. That said, if you are going to be killing more ponies (which seems likely under the circumstances) you do probably want to add the "gore" tag to it.
3206019
a lot of it is kinda my fault there. Typically, I don't feel comfortable moving forward until I've got nearly 20,000 words of set-up, exposition, etc thoroughly working on the characters and trying to make them as good as possible. I'm typically slow to get something moving. This story though, right into the action almost from the start. New approach, which seems to require that I put more effort on developing the characters. Moving forward, I will be working on remedying this as much as I can, but this is a whole new approach for me still.
I'd thought about going 'and then I met the Mane 6. And then we all started off rocky. And then... yeah... And before jumping into the action... Honestly, this is the part that trips me up with HiEs... Still, like I said, I'll be working on filling them out.
Glad you like it beyond that, I've got a lot of ideas that are rather original, and only my sleep deprivation stands between more chapters at the moment.
3206152
Thanks, and glad you liked it. I added it as a safeguard, as there will be more action in the future, and the potential for injuries and death (at least for our phoenix friend) is there. I do have antagonists in place, and I'd just rather play it safe. I'll avoid gore though, as beyond basic descriptions, I'm not going to go into details... which it what gore is, to me. That said, a lot of the story is going to be a stint of Slice of Life and whatnot... Really, the only tags that fit the entire way through will be the Romance and Human, lol!
3206180 Well, it's your call, but those tags at the top are intended to be for central themes, not warnings. The tags at the bottom are where you put the warnings because only one chapter needs to have explicit sex to justify a "mature-sex" flag. That said, for gore I tend to use the rating as a modifier on that so "mature-gore" would be the explicit violence you mentioned and "teen-gore" would be the more mild descriptions you have here in the simple case where there is no sex.
Interesting. Continue.
+10 points due to the prologue title alone.