• Member Since 25th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen April 10th

lionaxel


So you dare to confront me, the Fiery Lion? Ha! May luck come to you if you ever intend on leaving this place unharmed.


T
Source

I am just a regular girl. Yeah, maybe sometimes I work a little too hard, or at least that's what Mira says. I guess its just part of my nature. Anyway, that's not my story. One day, I wake up to find a tattoo bearing a striking resemblance to a cutie mark! And not one I've ever seen before! Mira has one too! What's going on here!?

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A side-fic to TwistedSpectrum's Five Score, Divided by Four.

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 25 )

Looking forward to seeing what you're gonna do with this story.:twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Buckshot2825 deleted Sep 13th, 2013

If I wasn't on my phone I would read this. Don't worry I'll mark it for later viewing.

I see philomena


hilarity will ensue

Well, this probably was the last Five Score sidestory to pass moderation, so congratulations for good timing, I guess?
Nice cover, by the way.

3203915
Never mind, just read the post about it. I guess I did have good timing.

3204311 One of the last indeed. It even has the elements that the blog post illustrates as the reason for the "blanket ban".

-The majority of Five Score Divided by Four stories we get are only written to the point of the human having a cutie mark at the time of submission.

Yeah...

You copied the first quarter of the chapter in to the second half.

Now they've been re-allowed. But you have to hit 30,000 words beforehand.

5076550
Yes, I know. Although I did post this before the blanket ban.

I enjoy reading your story so far! Hope to see Sunset Shimmer eventually get to meet the Mane 6 in Iowa....or in Twisted Spectrum's fan fiction, Sunset Shimmer warned Twilight of Discord's attacks on Equestria and was leading some sort of resistance group that would team up once the ponies who were once human change back into ponies and arrive at Applejack's farm, then locate the mirror portal that will take them home to confront Discord.

5079298
Glad to know that you like it! I have an idea for Sunset that I think will tie in nicely.

mmk, so first impressions:

The writing is not great, but it's not terrible either. Mainly you just need better detail and diction, and your flow/sentence structure could be better.

What I mean is, the bare basics are there, but it could use some fancying up.

here's some tips:
first off, describe things indirectly instead of just telling us. Secondly, verbs are stronger than adjectives. what I mean by this is if a sentence feels weak, instead of using adjectives/adverbs/prepositions to describe it, use descriptive verbs, ie: "she walked angrily to the store" vs "she stomped to the store, muttering curses."
Work on cutting out unnecessary detail and focus instead on critical details, for example:

She's wearing another deep red shirt and a skirt along with some black knee-high boots.

you can take this section out entirely, especially if you're adding illustrations. We as readers don't need to know exactly what she's wearing because it doesn't affect the story.
Your flow also needs some work. This you mostly have to figure out on your own, but I can at least give you an example:

I let Mira in who storms into the living room.

again, things like how they make their sentences flow varies from author to author, but here's how I'd do it:

I'm not even finished opening the door, when Mira storms past me into the living room.

It may be a bit wordier, but it's also a stronger and more vivid sentence.

I run upstairs and put some clothes on. The only shirt left in my closet was of Sunset Shimmer.

You could improve the flow between these two tidbits by doing this:

I run upstairs and get dressed, but for some reason the only shirt left in my closet was one of Sunset Shimmer.

Obviously, as I mentioned before, the details of things like this come down to an author's own styles and preferences, and these are just examples to give you an idea of ways to improve your writing.

As far as dialog goes, yours is good so far. no advice needed.

Based on this evidence, it can be deducted that I am becoming Sunset Shimmer from My Little Pony.

Don't her ankles hurt from jumping to conclusions?

5754307
Thank you for your intensive feedback. I feel that by writing unprofessionally, it strengthens my writing skills and comments like yours are exactly why. I usually add descriptions because I kinda add the illustrations along. It's not the best method but I'll look back at some chapters and be like, 'Oh hey, I really want to draw this.' Mira's shirt color also has thought put into it. If you notice, every outfit she's worn is red except the one during the past in chapter five. It's not really all that important, but I thought it was a nice detail showing how she's moved on.

Anyway thank your for your feedback, it helps immensely.

5755144

I would like to think they'd hurt more from changing in anatomy

So I've read some of the new chapter, and there are some improvements from before:

While the writing is somewhat sparse still, it has definitely been tidied up. The dialogue provides some details that define the characters, and the writing in general makes good use of significant details. At times the plot seems shoe-horned in.

Characterization and dialogue is good, but the actual writing needs some work. As before, the writing is competent, but not very interesting. Sentences get the job done, but remain simplistic.

Writing and reading poetry could help improve your sentence quality. It may sound boring, but it doesn't have to be famous or classical poetry, just something you find interesting or touching. (As long as they're not limmericks or haikus. These are good in their own rite, but probably won't help you improve your writing.)

Comment posted by Princess Melody Song deleted Apr 10th, 2016

shrill shriek of a shrill shriek of a red-tailed hawk

Duplicated shrill shriek

aw man, why couldn't it be a guy turning into Sunset Shimmer? not trying to be sexist or anything :)

7207114

Mm, mostly because I wanted her backstory to stay as a bratty teenage 'princess' and that wouldn't have worked as well with a guy. I totally see where you're coming from though. ^^

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