Epic Unicorn History: The Beards of Harmony

by PresentPerfect

Epic Honesty

Epic Unicorn History: The Beards of Harmony
by Present Perfect

Epic Honesty

"To Pinkbeard the Pink!"

Mugs clinked and the forest floor got a nice showering of ale.

"To Pinkbeard!"

"Lang mae 'is lum reek!" Applebeard added, before they all quaffed deeply.

It was their second round, the first having been drunk in silence under the mutual understanding of "Drink first, toast later". There had been a much more vocal understanding that Pinkbeard's inexplicable stock was some of the finest ale any of them had ever had. Camp had been set up in the clearing where they'd reunited, it being of a suitable size for tents, sleeping rolls and even a small fire. A large stand held the keg for anypony who wished to refill his mug, and fill they happily did. Around them, the forest loomed, peaceful if dark.

"Pinkbeard," Rainbowbeard said, raising his tankard, "let me say no ill against your tomfoolery again. I don't know how you do it, but you've taken a day I'd rather not think of so long as I should live and ended it with an evening of jollity."

Pinkbeard waggled his head, the bells in his hat jingling.

"I'm ever happy helping friends in need!"

Star Swirl lifted his mug. "I'll drink to that." Prancebeard and Applebeard joined him, but he paused, Swirl noticing Rainbowbeard stroking his beard and most assuredly not imbibing.

"Rainbowbeard," he called, "what is on thy mind?"

The pegasus started, eyes widening. "Oh? Ah, Pinkbeard, you wonderful fool, you've done it again!"

Star Swirl frowned, feeling ignored.

"That word, 'friends', 'tis an excellent suggestion!"

"Whit're ye oon aboot, ye braw lunk'ead?" Applebeard cast a glance from Rainbowbeard to Star Swirl, who shrugged.

Rainbowbeard slapped his knee and laughed. "Why, if we're to be stuck together on an adventure of any length, the time will surely go faster if we're friends!" Grinning, he glanced around the clearing at each in turn. "I say this only because I've come up with a brilliant way to get to know one another better as well as drink all of Pinkbeard's fine, fine ale."

"It seems a sound idea," Prancebeard said with a nod, "and I think getting to know one another would be not so bad an activity."

"Aye," said Hushbeard.

"Go on now, everypony fill your cup," Rainbowbeard said, setting his on a stump and flying into the center of the camp. "What we'll do is each tell a story about himself, with a round of drinks afterward in his honor, eh?"

Star Swirl nodded approvingly. "Thy plan gets better as the evening progresses, Rainbowbeard. Pray, what sorts of stories shall we tell?"

The campire reflected in Rainbowbeard's smile. "Stallionly stories."

There was a cheer and a brief stomping of hooves that shivered the trees.

"Each of us tells his most stallionly exploit. I'm sure, given how we've fared in combat thus far, that every stallion here's at least got one." He smirked.

"Make a contest of it!" Applebeard shouted. "Stallionliest story wins the keg!"

More cheering and stomping echoed through the little glade.

Rainbowbeard chuckled. "An even better idea! I'll go first, if you all don't mind." As an afterthought, he added, "And enough with the thee-in' and thou-in'. I've never had much use for formalities, and I'd like to see an end to it, eh?"

A sweep of his wing blew a torrent of air over the fire, enough to make it gutter and shrink, but not go out completely. The remaining fire cast weird shadows across his face and set the trees dancing in the night.

"There I was," he said, his voice low, "miles from home, all on my lonesome. Three squadrons of pegasus soldiers lay wrecked and ruined on the mountains below, and me, bleedin' from a gash on me--"

He was cut off by a loud snort from Applebeard.

"Oy, what's the idea?"

Applebeard rolled his eyes. "Och, it'll be nae contest if'n yer set on tellin' fibs, mate."

Rainbowbeard spread his hooves. "What? Calling me a liar, is it?"

"Aye, and an awful one at that!"

Prancebeard stifled a guffaw, and even Star Swirl was having trouble containing his mirth as Rainbowbeard landed and stalked up to Applebeard, butting heads with him.

"And just how'd you know it was a lie, eh?"

The laughter broke into the open as Applebeard calmly pushed him away, tapping his own head.

"Yer daft if'n ye think ye can get a lie past this'n, matey. Now go oon, gie us a real tale."

Rainbowbeard snorted and stomped back to his place while the laughter died down.

"Awful way to start off friend-making," Hushbeard muttered to Pinkbeard, who snickered. They both quieted down as Rainbowbeard's gaze fell over them.

"All right, you lot, that's enough. Fine, then my cutie mark story it shall be."

He lifted into the air again and gave Star Swirl a pointed look.

"Master Star Swirl, you were at the Battle of Cobalt Valley, aye?"

Star Swirl nodded slowly. "Aye, I was. I was Royal Strategist by that point, so I saw little actual combat." He swallowed. "I never thought I'd have to see that battle through the eyes of a former opponent. 'Twas quite the rout for the pegasi."

"Aye, ain't that the truth?" Rainbowbeard nodded solemnly. "I was but a lad then, a private. 'Twas my first real skirmish."

"I'm quite sorry you had to live through that for your first time," Star Swirl said, his head sagging.

Rainbowbeard's smiled lopsidedly. "'Twas a bad day for we pegasi, Star Swirl. After all, what happened was our own bloody fault."

Prancebeard leaned forward. "What happened?"

"The ground-pou--" Rainbowbeard coughed. "The unicorns and earth ponies had forged an uneasy alliance. Not unheard of, but in that pass we were outnumbered three to one, walled off from reinforcements, and growing quickly desperate. To cut a long story short..."

He took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes. "The tornado we unleashed to destroy our foes escaped our control, and destroyed us instead."

The others gasped.

Star Swirl nodded. "I will not forget the moment the aim of that battle changed from who could slay the most enemies to who could save the most friends."

"I lost a friend or two myself." Rainbowbeard's eyes hardened. "But not all of them."

He turned slowly, taking a deep breath. "So there I was, greener than an earth pony's hoof, watching as my flight was torn apart by the very twister we'd conjured up not ten minutes prior. Hearin' the screams as they were battered and beaten by debris. I weren't no hot-shot back then, you see, just an aimless roustabout who'd fallen in with the military as a last resort." He chuckled dryly. "My da said they'd knock some sense into my empty head. All I wanted was to knock some heads together myself, then go home to drink and laugh about it." He hung his head.

"I'd made good friends with a scout named Nightjar. He saved my life that day, pushed me out from a clot of trees as they thrashed about in the winds, only to get pulled into the tornado himself. I watched him whirling about in that storm and felt more helpless than ever I had in my whole life."

He closed his eyes. "And that's when I decided I was done feelin' helpless. I'd seen too much blood shed that day. Never again, I told myself, and dove straight into the cyclone."

"No!" Prancebeard's eyes were wide.

"Yes!"

All eyes turned to Applebeard. After a moment, he shook himself and glanced around at them. "Oh, er, he's tellin' the truth, arite."

Rainbowbeard huffed. "Anyway, it was like running through Tartarus with a sawmill strapped to your back. The wind was howlin' so I couldn't hear myself think. It tore the breath from my lungs. Every time I tried to move, I was tossed in the other direction, and I quickly realized that maybe it was all hopeless.

"Then I heard Nightjar shoutin' my name. There were dead pegasi in that tornado, dozens and dozens, whirlin' 'round like sacks of flour, but he wasn't among them!" He took in a deep breath.

"I'll admit, lads, I've no idea how I did it. All I could think of was Nightjar savin' my life, and how, if the Pegasus Empire was to lose the day, at least we wouldn't all have to lose our lives along with it."

He began swooping to each of them in turn, his voice growing more animated with every breath. "I turned 'round, facing into the winds, and pushed myself harder than I ever had before. Soon, I was sitting still in the air, beatin' my wings like a hummingbird. I reached out and grabbed Nightjar's hoof as he swept by me. He was half dead by then, but he must've heard me callin' his name, because he held on.

"I went lower in the vortex, and before I knew it, I was actually speedin' up. I was flyin' faster than the tornado span!" He grinned. "I scooped the other survivors up, dazed and weak as they were, then set my sights on freedom." A shadow came over his face and he shivered slightly. "Punched a hole through the side of the damned thing and flew all four of us to safety, like an arrow from a bow. I'd never flown so far so fast."

He chuckled. "Believe you me, I was near dead myself when I finally stopped. But it was enough to get me this."

Rainbowbeard returned to his seat, then flipped up the skirt of his armor. There on his flank was the image of a tornado pierced by a lightning bolt.

"Quite the story!" Star Swirl said, stomping his hoof. "The pegasi were lucky to have you on the field that day."

Rainbowbeard smiled and laughed. "Aye, they were! And that's why today, I'm known as 'The Swift'!"

"He's set the bar high, gents," Applebeard said, standing and lifting his mug. "Tae Rainbowbeard the Swift, fastest among pegasi!"

"To Rainbowbeard!"

Rainbowbeard frowned at his mug. The only flaw in his plan of going first was not being able to toast himself, so he had to settle for bowing and basking in the praise instead.

Star Swirl hummed. "That does beg the question of how you got the rest of your name. I've been wondering that about all of you. It's more than a bit unusual that five stallions with 'beard' in their name should join up on a quest, eh?" He smirked. "Were you all born bearded?"

There followed a lot of shuffling of hooves and eyes looking anywhere but at Star Swirl. At least three separate tunes were whistled, all off-key.

"Star Swirl!" Rainbowbeard shouted. "Let's hear from you next!"

Shaking his head, Star Swirl sat up straighter. "Very well then." He smiled, his stare penetrating the woods. "To be honest, my proudest feat is still to come. I've spent the past decade embroiled in what I call the amniomorphic spell. I've been close to a breakthrough for years, and if I could just get the equations right, it would literally change the face of Equestrian magic forever! The barriers between theory and practice have been strong, but I--"

Rainbowbeard cleared his throat loudly.

"Beggin' yer pardon, Star Swirl," he deadpanned, "but we're hopin' for something a bit less dull."

Star Swirl frowned. "Dull? I should say the idea of a spell from which a capable wizard can birth literally any conceivable thing into this world is far from dull!"

"Good Star Swirl," Prancebeard said, "not to belittle your work, but I daresay tales of action are the stuff of the evening." He raised his eyebrows and smiled placatingly.

Star Swirl snorted. "Bah. Who needs action when you've got magical theory?" Sighing, he sat back down. "Well, I suppose there's always the tale of how I defeated the demon horse Tirek. Not that there's much to it."

At the mention of "Tirek", all five heads popped up.

"You captured the demon horse?"

"Of course! He's that Star Swirl, after all!"

"My mother said the demon came at night to gobble little colts and fillies whole!"

"Aye, a terror of the hinterlands, he was!"

Hushbeard cleared his throat. "Let him tell the tale, lads."

Star Swirl nodded to him. "Thank you, Hushbeard. Yes, it all began when I stumbled into his lair quite by accident while out gathering spell components."

Rainbowbeard took to the air. "I'll bet you went in swingin', err, with horn aglow, eh?"

Star Swirl looked at him askance. "Hardly. I literally fell in, and broke my pastern in the process." He held up his left foreleg to illustrate.

Pinkbeard bounced in place. "But when you saw his icy teeth, anon you bucked with hooves aflame to win the day?"

"Actually," Star Swirl said, clearing his throat and rolling his eyes, "he caught me and trussed me up like a spit fish."

Prancebeard hummed. "But surely you were able to escape his clutches and vanquish him in one-on-one magical combat, yes?"

Star Swirl shook his head. "No, I was rather watching my life flash before my eyes as he drained my magic and prepared to stew me in his cauldron. It was definitely not my greatest moment, now that I think upon it."

Applebeard frowned. "Well how the bloody horseapple did ye escape then, mate?"

Star Swirl opened his mouth, but was cut off by Hushbeard's low rumble.

"He tricked the demon into stewing in his own cauldron."

Star Swirl's mouth closed, and for a moment, the clearing was silent. Puffing his cheeks out, he said, "Well, yes, actually. However did you know, Hushbeard?"

For the first time since he'd met the large stallion, Star Swirl watched a smile creep across Hushbeard's face. "Some legends speak louder than others."

Rainbowbeard rolled his eyes. "Yes, very well, so the day was saved with wit instead of brawn. I'll toast to it anyway. To Star Swirl the Bearded!"

"To Star Swirl!"

Star Swirl drew in a long breath as the others drank, and allowed himself to relax.

"So," he said when they'd finished and the next round was being drawn, "I'm dying to know what exploits might lurk in Pinkbeard's past. How about it, friend?"

Pinkbeard looked up, as if just realizing that he was in the presence of others.

"A-huh?" He blinked twice, then smiled. "Well, once I ate a giant cake all on my own without a bellyache!" Twirling, he gave them a wink. "Perhaps that's not enough? Well, here's the thing! 'Twas meant for just one pony! Why, the King!"

He bowed. There was a moment where naught was heard but the rustling of leaves and the clearing of a throat.

Rainbowbeard facehoofed. "Should've known he wouldn't get it."

"Would ye begrudge a reason tae drink, Rainbowbeard?" Applebeard said, laughing and raising his mug.

"Aye," said Star Swirl, doing likewise, "I'll happily toast him a second time!"

Rainbowbeard frowned for a moment, then shrugged and raised his drink. "To Pinkbeard, then, once more!"

"To Pinkbeard!"

The honoree waggled his beard and grinned. "And next I'll choose good Applebeard to speak!"

Applebeard choked on his ale.

"Er, ah, uh!" he said in between coughs. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hoof and shook his head to clear it.

"Well, ah, I..."

Rainbowbeard rolled his eyes. "Oh, come now, surely you have done something stallionly! You're nearly tough as myself, if we're being honest!"

"Yes, well..." Applebeard's tam o' shanter dropped to cover his eyes. "I'm suddenly hesitant t' mention..."

"Bah!" Star Swirl sloshed his mug. "Out with it! It can't be worse than Pinkbeard's tale!"

Applebeard shot him a surprised look, then cleared his throat.

"Well, s'truth I been summat of a rogue 'n scoundrel me whole life, like Rainbowbeard here."

The other stallion frowned at him, but he continued, his face softening.

"But, well, me most stallionly and proudest feat was settlin' down to start a family." He looked up at them, his eyes shining. "I met a fine mare, what set me straight, courted 'an wedded 'er, and now we've a foal due in but a few weeks."

The stallions went wild.

The clearing filled with cheers and Applebeard's back filled with hooves as all at once.

"No wonder you were so reluctant to join this quest," Prancebeard said, placing a hoof on Applebeard's shoulder.

"Aye," was all the farmer could say.

"To Applebeard and his foal!" Rainbowbeard shouted, lifting his mug so quickly into the air that half its contents sprayed over him. "And may it be a strong, strapping colt like his father!"

"Or," Star Swirl said, a twinkle in his eye, "a strong, clever filly like her mother."

"To the foal!"

"And may it be born into a world of harmony and friendship!"

Refilling the mugs took quite a while longer than usual this time around.

"Pinkbeard, yer barrel's movin'," Rainbowbeard muttered, having toasted the ground for the third time straight. Prancebeard gave him steadying magical assistance, though he ended up going cross-eyed from the effort and falling over himself.

"Right," Applebeard said. "I'd be most obliged tae hear from Hushbeard next!"

Hushbeard opened his mouth, but was cut off by a loud snort.

Rainbowbeard toasted the ground once again as he waved his mug to and fro. "Pah! I doubt a creature lowly as that'n could dream of having stallionly feats!"

The others stared at him, open-mouthed. Pinkbeard looked pointedly at Hushbeard, then at Rainbowbeard, motioning between them with his hoof.

"An awful way to make a friend indeed," he muttered.

"Perhaps not," Hushbeard said, his even voice reverberating off the trees. "I suppose it is not so stallionly to drag the body of one's half-dead brother through snow four hooves deep in the midst of a pitched battle, down a mountainside to the only shelter within a league, just to have a moment's calm to heal him back from the brink. 'Twas but a minor feat in that light, I should say."

The clearing went silent. Even the forest stilled.

"To Hushbeard's bravery," Star Swirl said. Even Rainbowbeard raised his mug as they quaffed silently, though neither he nor the gargantuan healer looked at one another.

Star Swirl, his glass drained, gave Hushbeard a smile. "What battle was that in?"

Hushbeard snorted. "I never glorified war enough to remember its name. All battlefields are the same to me, monuments to waste." He nodded. "And 'tis Prancebeard's turn. I'd not wish to speak for longer than my fair share."

At the mention of his name, Prancebeard lifted his head. His eyes crossed, then uncrossed, as he regarded them with a squint.

"Did somepony say my name?" he said, his words sliding together like snails covered in particularly slippery mud.

"Your turn for stallionly tales," Rainbowbeard said, regarding him with a sidelong glance. "Er, unless you've had one too many, that is..."

"Nonsense!"

Prancebeard stood. Then he sat. He tried to roll to his hooves, but ended up rolling off his log instead.

"No, wait! Wait!"

The others had a hearty chuckle as Prancebeard tried vainly to haul himself upright on the log, which had somehow become much slipperier than his hooves could handle. After pulling himself up halfway, sliding back down onto his rump, and cursing the log's entire lineage, he came to the realization that the ground beneath him was in fact stable. In moments, he was on his hooves and grinning wobbly at his companions.

"Well," he said, and then paused a little longer than was necessary. "If the nine of you are done having your--" he waved a hoof-- "little laugh, then I've a story to tell."

The others exchanged glances and smirks, but settled down.

"I have reached a conclusion!" Prancebeard thrust his hoof in the air, remaining standing by virtue only of the capriciousness of the universe. "In listening to all of your prattling on, I have spotted a... pattern." His voice dropped. "Lots of beating things to a pulp and running one's head into a wooden door, eh?"

"Why, Prancebeard, let us not forget the cake!" Pinkbeard said, hopping up and down.

Prancebeard lifted his head, which bobbled atop his neck, and snorted. "Well, I think I have just such a story with which I can regar... regather..." He let out a long breath. "Which I can tell you."

"Oh, I'm all ears," Rainbowbeard said with a grin.

Prancebeard leaned forward, scanning the faces of each pony in turn.

"I once ran headlong into an Ursa Minor's den."

There were gasps. Hushbeard dropped his mug.

"Well... s-surely it was empty!" Star Swirl said. He paled as Prancebeard slowly shook his head.

"Nay. 'Twas my intent to find it there."

"A-and I'm assumin' ye didnae wake it, jest..." Applebeard swallowed. "Crept in all silent-like, t'say ye'd done it?"

Prancebeard shook his head, though stopped as he began to teeter. "Nay. I poked it till it woke and let it... have at me!"

Rainbowbeard's jaw dropped. "All right, there's no way this story can be true!" He looked to Applebeard, who only nodded, his eyes wide.

"How did you survive?" Hushbeard asked, his voice a tremulous whisper.

Prancebeard grinned the grin of the only pony who knew what was causing that odor and would never tell. He pronounced a single word like a magical incantation.

"Armor."

He took the befuddled looks of those nearby as expressions of awe and puffed out his chest.

"Yes! I'd crafted a set of bear-proof armor." He sniffed. "And what better way to test it than on the real thing?"

Pinkbeard chewed his hooves. "We can't assume it worked, indeed at all!"

"It most certainly did! Of course, not as well as I'd hoped. 'Twas but a first trial, after all."

Having regained some of his equilibrium, Prancebeard bowed his head forward and pulled aside a particularly large curl of his mane. Beneath was an angry pink weal lightning bolt, stretching quite a ways behind his ear. Somepony whistled.

"You're lucky to've survived, matey," Rainbowbeard said, eyes agog.

Prancebeard smiled, his eyes crossing. "Ah, the beast dented me, but the armor held. This is my own doing. It never... touched me."

Rainbowbeard nodded slowly. "I'm right impressed."

"Aye!" Applebeard shouted, close enough to Prancebeard that he knocked the unicorn over. "To Prancebeard the Dashing!"

Mugs clinked, ponies roared, and Prancebeard, all four of his legs in the air, let out a shaky "Huzzah!"

Little more needed to be said. A wash of sleepiness overtook the group, such that they rather forgot all about the contest and prize, which was for the best, as the keg had been drained by that final round. They were, in fact, sleepy enough to all conk out where they sat, without setting watches for the night.

Had such a thought occurred to their collective drunken consciousness, one of them might have noticed the glowing green eyes watching from the darkness.

They might also have remarked upon the ground rising beneath them, lifting the entire campsite. They wouldn't have been able to miss the trees parting and the wave of forest floor carrying them and all their belongings along. And quite likely, they would have perceived the glowing green eyes trying desperately to keep up with them as they were ferried from the cramped, dim clearing where they'd made camp to one that was far spacious, set beside a river, and ultimately nicer overall.

---

As is often the case with farmers, accustomed as they are to the altogether too-early call of the rooster, Applebeard was the first to wake.

"Ach," he said, the force of his voice driving nails into his skull. "'Twas wairth it ne'ertheless."

He blinked the rime from his eyes, scrubbing at them with a fetlock to banish the double vision. He chuckled as the mirrored images of his companions remained. That mirth died when he turned his head to the left and found his own face staring at him.

With a warcry that startled the others awake, he leapt upon his doppelganger, pummeling it with a fury belying his recent hangover.

"What is it?"

"What's going on?"

"Oh, my head..."

"Good Applebeard, what means this tumult now?"

"This!"

Applebeard held the creature that had been mimicking him aloft. Upon the first blow, it had changed form to a black, insect-like near-pony, with green faceted eyes, a jagged horn, and legs shot through with holes. It groaned and its eyes closed, going limp in Applebeard's grip.

Ten pairs of eyes blinked at the sight. All at once, the clearing fell to chaos as pony dove on pony, battering, buffeting, biting and beating, not to mention kicking up clouds of dust. Applebeard tossed his opponent aside, chewing his lip as the fighting continued. Once he'd had enough watching, he placed his hooves between his lips and blew an ear-splitting whistle.

"Hol' up!"

The battle ceased. Everywhere he looked was a pair of identical ponies, caught in grabbing one another's scruffs, biting forelegs, or pouncing for further attack.

"Aright." Applebeard rubbed his forehead. "Ah'm tae knackered t' be thinkin' much at the moment, so I'll make this quick. It seems, whate'er manner o' beastie these be, fightin' won't force 'em tae daylight if they expect it. I got the drop on mine--" he inclined his head toward it -- "but yew lot won't 'ave the same luck."

"Rah, but I'm the only Rainbowbeard!" shouted one of the Rainbowbeards.

"You are not, you big liar!" shouted the other, going nose-to-nose with him.

"Ah-ah-ah!" Applebeard stamped a hoof. "I'm sure yer both Rainbowbeard, ye daft rotters. I aim to sort this out, so if ye dinnae mind, I'll be askin' ye each a few questions."

"Questions?" asked a Star Swirl.

"What sort of questions?" asked his double.

Applebeard snorted. "All sorts. Now turn 'round."

There was a pause.

"Quick now, afore I beat the questions intae ye!"

The ten ponies jumped to it.

"Right. Now." Applebeard began to pace behind the others. "Rainbowbeard. Where'd ye get yer cutie mark?"

"At the Battle of Cobalt Valley," the two said in unison.

"Ahh, hmm, I see, I see." Applebeard shook his head. "Aright, mateys, it seems these beasties were listenin' in on our campfire tales last night. So this'll become a contest o' a different sort."

He whirled and jammed his way up between the two, hissing in their ears.

"What's yer greatest regret?"

"Not makin' General!"

"Abandonin' mah post at Canterlot."

The Rainbowbeard who had spoken first received a solid hoof to the back of the head. He collapsed, writhing, and with a green flash, revealed himself to be another of the insectoid ponies.

Rainbowbeard turned, shock written across his face. "How'd you figure that out?"

"Shh." Applebeard laid a hoof beside his muzzle and winked. "I'll have this sussed out in a jiffy, lads."

The other pony pairs looked at one another and gulped.

"Right, Pinkbeard."

Both Pinkbeards straightened up.

"Tell me 'ow ye got yer lute."

They looked at one another and grinned.

"I met a king and won it for a song!"

"It was my father's, as the day is long!"

Whichever the copy was, it was a remarkably good dancer, matching the real Pinkbeard move for move. The display was so perfect, one could be forgiven for thinking it had been choreographed.

"I stole it from a rainbow-frosted cake!"

"I found it at the bottom of a lake!"

"I pulled it from a magic gleaming stone!"

"I crafted it all on my own!"

The second Pinkbeard went down under Applebeard's mighty hoof. He snorted and cast the real Pinkbeard a lopsided grin.

"An' I ken none o' them was the truth, neither."

Pinkbeard grinned and shook his head. Applebeard wasted no time, stalking over in front of the pair of Prancebeards. With a swift motion, he plucked each of their beards, leaving them with ratty hairs sticking out every which way.

"Ouch! You great lug, you've ruined my waxing!"

"Ow! That hurt, you rascal!"

Applebeard uppercut the second Prancebeard, sending him sailing into the air. On the downstroke, he caught him with both back hooves and sent him crashing into a nearby tree, where its true form came to light. It went still.

Prancebeard could have frowned milk into butter.

"I say, I appreciate an end to the deception, but did you have to go about it in such a painful manner?"

Chuckling, Applebeard patted Prancebeard on the withers.

"Apologies, friend." He winked.

"Yes, well..." Prancebeard hissed, drawing his beard out to its full length with a hoof before using his magic to restore its curl. "What's done is done."

"Oi, Hushbeard!" Applebeard bellowed. "Injured bird in the trees!"

Both Hushbeards startled. One spun around and looked directly at him. The other looked straight up. Applebeard was already a hoof's length away, and the Hushbeard facing him was met with a swift kick to the nose. It crumpled and flashed green.

"An' that leaves but one."

Narrowing his eyes, Applebeard about-faced, stalking toward the two Star Swirls. They swallowed loudly and began to shake.

"All right, then." Applebeard licked his lips, sizing the pair up. "I 'ave one final question fer you lot, an' ye ken there ain't nae way I'll be fooled."

He moved until he was between them and threw his hooves around their necks. Squeezing just a little, he chuckled.

"How'd ye get a name like Star Swirl the Bearded?"

Each Star Swirl cast a glance at the other.

"After you," said the one to the left.

"Well, I was born with the first part," he said, "obviously." Clearing his throat, he added, "And the rest should be fairly obvious. 'Twas a better choice than 'Star Swirl the Mighty' or 'Star Swirl the Great'. No sense in being immodest over something as important as a name."

Applebeard leaned to the left. "And you, oh gracious one?"

That Star Swirl frowned. "I was called Star Swirl the Bearded so as not to confuse me with my grandmother, Star Swirl the Matron." He sighed. "My foalhood was rather odd."

"Good answers." Applebeard's grip on their necks tightened. "But one o' ye be lyin'..." It tightened some more and he pulled their heads downward. "An' I dinnae have a kind thought fer liars."

With a swift motion, he released the Star Swirl on his left and wrapped his free hoof around the other's neck.

"Change, ye bastard! Change back or ye'll ne'er breathe agin, ah swear on me beard!"

The second Star Swirl choked out something unintelligible, going limp. The green fire engulfed it, and Applebeard flinched back, only realizing a second later that it hadn't burned him. He let the creature drop and pinned it as his comrades cheered.

"Lissen good," he hissed, his muzzle up against the jagged ear, "'cause I'll say this but the one time. If you creatures be scavengers, we'll nae make so easy a target next time. An' if ye follow some leader, let 'im know we're not t'be trifled wi'."

He let up and the creature staggered to its hooves. Applebeard pointed at another of the black shapeshifters, who was moaning and likewise trying to find its footing.

"Now gather up yer kin and be grateful Applebeard the Stalwart spared yer worthless lives."

The five real stallions gathered around Applebeard, thumping him on the back and shouting his praises as the six beasts dragged themselves out of the clearing. The last one to leave, the one that had been imitating Star Swirl, stopped at the edge and turned back, its insectoid eyes narrowing.

"This will be the last time you see us," it hissed, its voice gravelly. "Next time, we will be invisible and events will not pass in your favor."

"Ah, git on outta here afore I change me mind!" Applebeard shouted. When the dark carapace of the last creature had blended back into the shadows, he relaxed and grinned.

"Well, that was a pleasin' success!" He gazed up at the treetops, a wry grin forming on his mouth. "Now, 'as anypony else noticed our campsite moved?"

---

Nopony could account for their overnight change in location, but as it was, by Rainbowbeard's aerial estimation, slightly closer to their destination, it was agreed upon to chalk the occurrence up as "'Tis but the Forest Ever Free" and dwell on it no longer. The morning was thus spent moaning about headaches, muttering about shapeshifting monsters, attempts at preparing breakfast, and readying for the day's journey.

Pinkbeard wrestled with his lute in one corner, grunting, straining, and loosing sour notes left and right. Every now and then, it would release a long, wailing tone. Pinkbeard scrunched his face up whenever this happened, so that his visage appeared as one unbroken expanse of pink curls.

Prancebeard looked up from his polishing after one such occurrence. "Pinkbeard, could you please keep it down? I say, never have I heard such horrible wailing and groaning from that instrument of yours."

"Aye," Applebeard said, "ye seemed a right guid player afore this morn!"

"Oh, 'tis these wicked strings," Pinkbeard huffed. "They vex me so! This wood is warped and black, and vined, and... wrong! I tune it and it does not strum, but howls!"

He lifted the lute, played a chord, and indeed, instead of even the cacophony indicating poor tuning, the instrument produced a howl not unlike that of a wolf.

"Oh, fie and botheration! Play again? I think my luting days may well be done!"

He slammed the instrument on the ground, and it let out a series of plaintive barks. Pinkbeard turned and stalked off into the woods.

"Where are you off to?" Star Swirl asked.

"My friends, I'm fit to spew," Pinkbeard huffed, "yet I'll return."

"Let him be," Hushbeard rumbled as Rainbowbeard rose from his position. "He'll be fine."

Applebeard nodded. "Aye."

The clearing settled back into quiet. Star Swirl adjusted the straps on his pack, shook his head, and voiced a long-simmering question.

"Applebeard, how did you know all those things about us? We've hardly known one another two days, yet you saw into the very cores of our beings!"

Applebeard snorted. "Just lucky guesses."

Jaws dropped.

"Wait," Star Swirl said, "you don't mean to suggest--"

He stopped as Applebeard started laughing.

"No, mate, I'm havin' one o'er on ye! Hoo-ho!" He wiped a tear out of an eye and grinned at them. "Takes a lot o' observin' ponies t'get 'ow they think. Knowin' how tae play mind games tae trick 'em out o' hard-earned coin's essential fer a young rogue, make nae mistake."

"Rather surprised to hear you've such a history," Rainbowbeard said, eyebrows raised.

Applebeard shrugged. "Eh. After I met me bride, I swore it off in favor o' honest livin'. Took up me parents' trade in farmin'. 'Tis a stabler trade."

Hushbeard rumbled. "'Tis a shame we must take you away from your family."

"Nae." Applebeard shook his head, and Hushbeard was taken aback. "Though I fear I'll miss the birth, I've come t'realize me family's the most important thing there is. An' that means, if our land really is in grave danger, an' I'm the only one what kin protect 'em, I'd best be doin' everythin' in me power to make sure they stay safe."

"I can think of no grander reason to join this expedition, in that case," Star Swirl said, rising to his hooves. "Let us strive to make sure we all return to our families, then."

A chorus of "Aye!"s ran round the clearing.

"What ho, my good fellows!" cried Pinkbeard from the edge. "What means all the noise?" As he reentered their company, all jaws once again had reason to drop.

Prancebeard clapped a hoof over his mouth, stifling a snort. Star Swirl and Applebeard performed double takes. Hushbeard turned pale. Rainbowbeard, lacking any of Prancebeard's decorum, began hooting in glee and rolling on his back. Pinkbeard seemed oblivious to his companions' goings-on, and took his place once again.

"Pinkbeard," Star Swirl said accusingly, "what've you done?"

"I went for a wee, then I found some nice plants! They're blue and they're green, and they're tasty, to boot!" He held aloft a bundle of flowers in a distinctive bright blue, grinning at all present.

Though his swanky jester's cap and motley outfit were as they had been, his mane, beard and tail draped limply over him. These had taken on a rather peculiar hue, as had his coat.

Hushbeard cleared his throat. "Seek a mirror, mate."

Pinkbeard frowned. "Ah well, I might offer some," he said crossly, taking a bite out of his bouquet, "but all this laughter doth spoil my mood, so I'll eat them myself."

"Go ahead!" Rainbowbeard howled. "And don't mind if we call ye Greenbeard from now on!"

The others laughed as Pinkbeard munched away, frowning beneath his lank green locks.

Star Swirl sobered quickly, casting a worried glance to Applebeard.

"He hasn't been replaced again, has he?"

Applebeard shook his head slowly. "Dinnae ask me how I can tell, but that's Pinkbeard, all right. A bigger, better fool I've ne'er seen in me life."

Comments

[Ravencrofte]

I say the picture, i read the description. this should be interesting

[JEP1996]

Poison joke?

And I wouldn't mind seeing a Omake about the Beards of Harmony and the Mane Six

[rem-dog]

Another excellent chapter. I love how this is going.

[PresentPerfect]

4412781
Stranger things have happened.

[Lag Incarnate]

The epicness continues!

[djthomp]

Man, Applebeard just ruins storytime.

Well, mostly ruins.

Okay, so it was still pretty good anyway.

Hmn, not sure if Hushbeard or Prancebeard wins the story contest.

And Applebeard wins for his work the next morning.

[Roman Empire]

This just keeps getting better.

[Indigo Steel]

Well played, Applebeard, well played!

[PresentPerfect]

4423516
I hope that remains the case. :)

[Alondro]

4412781 Pinkbeard suffers horribly from Poison Joke overdose... which transforms him into Ben Stein. He dies.

[Icy Shake]

Well, you made an Applejack stand-in fun and interesting to read, and with minimal inclusion of his family at that. That's quite a bit more than nothing. Pinkbeard loses on the merits, of course, while Rainbowbeard is disqualified for the false story and Starswirl for trying to pass of the story of what he wanted to accomplish in the future as the stallionliest story from his life. I think I need to give it to Prancebeard for pulling off something hugely dangerous given the lowest of stakes.

Minor editing note:

With a swift motion, he plucked each of their beards, leaving them with ratty, hairs sticking out every which way.

The comma separating a noun from its sole modifier seems odd, and as written has "ratty" describing the individual hairs, which might make more sense applying to the beards ("leaving them ratty, [with] hairs sticking out").

[PresentPerfect]

4443221
It's just a leftover from editing, don't overthink it. :P Thanks.