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Awesome Stories2,152 stories ·183 members

Dash's Destiny

A tragedy strikes Ponyville and shatters the hearts of the ponies. Rainbow Dash meets an unfortunate end, and believes that her life meant nothing, but she will soon realize that her life meant more than she could ever imagine.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 2 )

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Toraka

Toraka #1 · Sep 8th, 2013 · · ·

What this is: Tell, not show, rushed despite its topic actually not demanding for that much. Filled with unnecessary adverbs and "began to" phrases.
Addmitedly though, the format and language decent, except for one thing. You should write this on the back of your hand, so I'll say it once and clearly:

One speaker equals one paragraph; If the speaker changes, make another paragraph.

What it should be: Probably not much less than 5'000 words long, much slower pace, giving the impression that decisions actually have impact and aren't made on half a second's whim.

Don't let this demoralise you though, the issues that there are are practice, with the glimmer of promise below.

LightDisc182