• Member Since 16th May, 2013
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PaulAsaran


Technical Writer from the U.S.A.'s Deep South. Writes horsewords and reviews. New reviews posted every Thursday! Writing Motto: "Go Big or Go Home!"

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My entry for Random Romance's September contest.

Shining Armor's life is stellar! His career in the Royal Equestrian Army is going wonderfully, and he's caught the eye of a certain Princess of Love. But not long ago he was with an entirely different mare. He and Sunset Shimmer broke up, but she wasn't too thrilled by the decision. Now she's lost her apprenticeship under Celestia to a filly not even half her age. Desperate for some comfort, she goes to the only pony she believes can give her the attention she needs.

Can Shining help her pick up the pieces, or is he too good for her?

Cover Art Credit: Maia-Soara

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 56 )

Darn, I really want to read this... But I can't because I'm writing my own entry... Ugh.

You know if it wasn't for the fact that you're a veteran and I'm a complete novice, I'd probably be jealous.

I like this.

Though, Bronies to tend to blame stuff on Lovebutt's existance.

I still like this, moustache from me :moustache:

:facehoof:3173815

You know if it wasn't for the fact that you're a twenty year veteran and I'm a complete novic, I'd probably be jealous.

I assume that's in reference to the speed in which I wrote this. Funny thing is, I started at what I consider a really late time, and kept thinking "I really need to start writing that, why am I procrastinating?"

Being a literary veteran helps a lot with being comfortable with what I write as I write it, that I'll acknowledge. It may also be part of why I can write so fast. But over the years I've learned that my ability to conceive an idea and form it into a story so quickly is something a lot of others just don't seem to share. I dunno if it's a matter of experience or not, but it regularly astounds me when I see so many people responding to an idea with "I have no idea what to do next."

I've often considered offering myself up as a 'plot adviser' somewhere.

3173884
Lovebutt? I suspect that's supposed to be Cadance?

I'll take that moustache, thank you. :pinkiesmile:

I would normally never read a story like this, because neither of the characters really interest me. But this...just the description has captured my attention. So I'm definitely giving this a read.

3174590
That's a relief, actually. I felt like the description was... lackluster.

I quite enjoyed that, and I don't usually enjoy very short stories. Very unusual pairing and it worked well in that regard.

I did find one mistake however:

It gave her a chacne, a real opportunity to rise from her past... and now it was gone.

I liked that a lot.
I wish that I could give you some advice, or some edits, or something, but...
I'm at a loss.
Good job.

3174447 Lovebutt, Moonbutt, Sunbutt and the newly crowned Sparklebutt. :pinkiehappy:

3176069
Argh, I hate it when that happens! Will go to correct.

Normally I don't like writing shorter stories, but I felt if I tried to expand upon it at all then it would take away from what I'd already made, so for once I ignored the desire for length.

3176088

I wish that I could give you some advice, or some edits, or something, but...
I'm at a loss.

Then I must be doing something right! :twilightsmile:

Thanks to you both!

3176314
My dictionary of MLP vocabulary has been expanded. :rainbowwild:

Wow. Just... wow. :fluttershysad:

It almost makes me want to enter that contest :pinkiehappy:

For someone who is apparently a "literary veteran," I would expect your characters to be a bit more... realistic.

I found Sunset excessively whiny and out of character. You are talking about a deeply rooted sociopath with extreme magical prowess, who was in a poorly explained relationship coincidentally with the brother of her successor. The plot itself makes little sense, and portraying Sunset to be a quivering whelp just didn't work for me.

This was an extremely fast fic that left me not really understanding what just happened or why. Yes, in a literal sense it is explained, but the psychological background for it just does not exist. It's just... fake. Such a fake scene that didn't need to be here. It was an excerpt, which I get why you did it, but a story is about something changing and how a character is affected by/deals with it. This wasn't that. Nothing changed, someone else was just told in a very annoying way.

I don't know what contest this even is, I found this on a random scroll looking at new fics, but good luck in it.

3177800
Referring to Sunset as a "deeply rooted sociopath" makes me think of headcanon. I never saw her in that light. Aside from that, this is meant to be a Sunset before she became what she is in Equestria girls. I inferred from a number of elements in the movie - for example, the differing pictures of her at the Fall Formal - that she gradually grew to be a meaner, more confident and dominating character during her time in the human world. I used dialogue to hint at what she would become, but otherwise this is a younger Sunset who's bitterness has yet to evolve. There's nothing out of character about a character who hasn't become the character yet.

In summation, in my headcanon this is a perfectly legitimate version of what Sunset Shimmer might have been prior to joining the human world. Just because she was a confident villain in the movie doesn't mean she always was.

I've written stories that explain everything, and I've written stories that explain practically nothing. Both get shot down regularly for doing one or the other. I've come to learn that some readers want to be told things about the background and future, whereas others want things left to interpretation. I was going for that second audience this time. If that means I didn't throw in enough hints about her background to give you your psychological profile, I apologize.

Youz a beast. From the east.

3180290
Watch yo mouth! I from da South. :ajsmug:

this is a fantastic story, thank you for sharing it. :twilightsmile:

3177983

Even at her most desperate, Sunset wouldn't hurt Spike or even threaten him. She actually let him go even though he was a much better bargaining chip than destroying the portal, because "I'm not a monster."

So, yeah. Calling her a sociopath is pretty silly. She was just a bully with a manipulative streak.

3177983

It's not the lack of psychological profile, it's the completely laughable way Sunset is so whiny and annoying with no dynamic character aspects.

This is quite an enjoyable read, a good story about what kind of character that Suunset was before the events of the movie. I can see the possibility of her and Shinning Armor romance with the position that she had before, if not opened doors to other combinations of her love life at the time. I am glad that you avoided using the AU tag in the story, for what is claimed by others for the tag can be... over-exaggerated at best.

Now, I wondered how would character would be developed in the human world before the timing of the movie and explored why she had some romance with Flash Sentry at that world.

Overall, nice story and a enjoyable read. Keep up the good work man :pinkiehappy:

3181423

Now, I wondered how would character would be developed in the human world before the timing of the movie and explored why she had some romance with Flash Sentry at that world.

I considered planning out a story going into those details for later writing, but I've decided not to. For one I have way too many story ideas I need to get to already, and for two neither Sunset or Shining are high on my 'want to write about' list. Still, exploring the concept was interesting.

3176314
You're clearly mistaken, at it is Princess Purple Smart.

3181997 Her butt quite clearly contains sparkles!

One thing that's great about the romance tag is that it doesn't necessarily have to have a happy ending. Just because the status quo was maintained doesn't mean that nothing changed. Shining was tempted by Sunset. He could be her personal savior, if he went back to her. But Shining's character shows through. While the story doesn't delve into why they broke up, it hints at events in the "Fall of Sunset Shimmer" comic. It also makes Sunset a little more three dimensional than she was in EQG. As far as being whiny, she's a lot younger than she was in the movie, so naturally she acts more immature.

There's a lot of depth that shows through in what is not actually said with words.

3280985
First of all, you just said a lot of what was in my head defending this story. I only didn't state it 'cause I didn't want to get into a drawn-out debate over the subject at the time.

Second, and this may just hurt my credibility a little... Comic? :twilightoops: I know of no comic. :twilightblush:

At any rate, glad you enjoyed it!

Well, I finally got around to reading this, and I have to say, I enjoyed it. It was more "sad" than"romantic" but not a bad story.

4296051
Finally is right! Oh well, better late than never.

I knew that the sad elements of this story might get in the way, but to quote puzil:

One thing that's great about the romance tag is that it doesn't necessarily have to have a happy ending.

This story was a serious challenge, 'cause I was determined to show this couple without being forced into an AU tag (which everyone insisted would be obligatory). But there was no way to do that without a sad ending.

This is a masterpiece.
I've been in Sunset Shimmer's shoes, and you nailed that...it's reductive to call it longing bitterness, but language is imperfect, so I'll stick with that.

Kudos. I wish I could upvote this more than once.

4501880

Whoa, people are still reading this?

:rainbowderp:

Well then, I thank you for the praise!

Quite the interesting concept, I like it. A lot. Although If I did this I would have further implied suicide (leaving a world does kinda implie it for some people) for Sunset Shimmer, for the dramatic effect, tear jerking, and possible hate. But maybe that would have stepped into the AU zone.

4639157
Oh, absolutely not. Sunset was never suicidal in my book (unless you count what's going on in Twilight's Inferno, but that's totally AU so it doesn't necessarily count). Besides, I literally don't understand why people commit suicide, and as such I feel I'd never be able to write a suicidal character properly. Tried it once and it came out terribly.

4640663 Yeah I don't understand it either, but like I said that's what I would have done if I did this story, obviously I didn't since its awesome.

Good story! The one thing missing from it, though, is why they broke up. Given Sunset's mercurial nature, arrogance and bad temper I have little problem imagining what might have happened. It's just that without a specific reason it comes off as "Shining got bored with her," which is probably not what you're going for.

Are you assuming that "Neigh Anything" isn't canon, or are you assuming that Shining and Cadance broke it off post secondary school and then resumed their love affair at some subsequent meeting? That sounds possible, especially if one or both of them became convinced that they had to do it "for the other's own good."

There are other timing issues, but mostly having to do with my chronology -- I have Shining being 25 and Twilight 17 at Luna's Return, but we could as easily assume Shining to be older. I based the gap on their apparent ages (17-18 and 9-10) in "Neigh Anything" -- Shining could of course be more than eight years older than his sister.

Incidentally, that makes Shimmering's hostility to Twilight in Equestria Girls, and her friendliness toward her in Rainbow Rocks, all the more emotionally-significant. It would explain some of the reasons Sunset liked Flash Sentry, and it would make losing his affection to Twilight Sparkle all the worse.

5088305
I have no idea what "Neigh Anything" is. I will assume it's a comic relating the relationship of Cadance and Shining. Just bear in mind that I know absolutely nothing about the comics.

At any ate, glad you enjoyed the story! People do have a tenancy to really delve deeper into it than I intended, but I'm not complaining.

I found a very minor thing you may want to edit.

“Don’t what?” He hopeful expression dropped to a harsh frown.

That should be "Her".

5188930
:facehoof:

You can edit it a million times, and you'll always miss something. This was way back before I had any editors at all, though, so I'm surprised that's all you found.

I WANT to read this... I REALLY want to... but it's a short one-shot, and has the sad tag regardless... (I don't read sad-fics, traditionally.)

5222543
Woe be upon you for denying yourself such a vast number of potentially awesome tales just because of one little tag.

Err, not saying that this story is awesome, 'cause that would be arrogant and I'm not... no, I am, but I'm not saying...

*takes shovel, starts digging*

I like this story, its short, its sweet and with enough angst to get the feels going but not enough to be overpowering. Plus it gives an idea of the age diffrence between Sunset and Twilight. Half her age indeed. Figured in EQ Twilight was around Freshmen age while Sunset was a Junior.

5261298
Actually I see their ages as much broader in difference for this story. I had to make an assumption that people in the human world take longer to age than ponies to make it work, though I didn't expressly state that in-story. That's the nice thing about AUs; you can change your headcanon from one to another if you so choose.

Anyway, glad you enjoyed it!

4640663 I got the impression that that was what Shining THOUGHT Sunset meant by "leaving this world" and the other things she said.

5282499
I suppose I can see how people might make this mistake, including Shining Armor, but Sunset talking about things such as 'missing her window of opportunity' ought to undo that misconception. Or so I thought.

Also, I'm surprised that Sunset didn't mention that the filly in question was Shining Armor's sister (since he didn't read the full letter). That might've added to the punch to the gut.

5282556
Well, in my interpretation of things, she didn't know (and if there's something, like a comic, that says otherwise, I was unaware of that).

Great story, Paul. :twilightsmile: Nice to see Sunset getting a little backstory and a reason for how things became as they were. I think this is the first story I've seen with this pairing, so kudos for that as well.

One thing:

She jerking her head away from him.

*She jerked

Have a fave!

5498321
Gah! no matter how many times a story is edited, there's always that one thing that slips by. :facehoof:

Anyway, glad you enjoyed it! For something I wrote on a whim, it's certainly one of my more popular yarns. I need to use Shining Armor more...

Bleh, this brought up some unpleasant memories.

That said, I very much enjoyed it. It'd be interesting to see what would happen should Sunset come back for a visit after EqG2.

He thought he made a rather dashing young officer... and so did a certain princess,

Celestia's harassing the troops again.

He saw that brilliant red and yellow mane and recognized her instantly. “Sunny?”

Why wouldn't these two get along?

“T-tell me I’m wanted, Shining. Tell me I‘m not being thrown away…”

I wouldn't throw her away.

“She told me this crap about not learning my lessons, about going in the wrong direction. And now somepony’s replaced me!”

It's not Sunset's fault: Celestia's teaching style is Read This and Write an Essay. She's a bad teacher with poor judgement.

Yet he also recognized the situation; he had anticipated something like this might happen. Celestia probably gave up on her for the same reasons that he’d broken up with her two months ago.

NOO! Take her back Shining! Or let me have her!

“Cadance.” Sunset spat the name as if it were poison.

I do the same thing.

“Yes it would. Eventually that lie would destroy both our lives. I care about you, Sunny, I really do, and I’m worried for you, but what you’re wanting I can’t offer.”

Tough love. She needs to hear it. I would love her.

“You won’t be without me. I’m here, Sunny! I’ll help. I can’t give you… that… but I’ll help in any other way you need.”

Poor, poor Sunset Shimmer.

“There’s no love in this world for me. I’m a failure. I wasn’t good enough for my mother, for society, for Celestia. For you. No matter where I go in Equestria, that will always be true.”

:ajsleepy::fluttershysad:

“You were good to me, Shining. I didn’t even know what kindness was until I met you. Tell me, what we had… was it real?”
...
“Yes. Yes, Sunny, it was very real.”

Why do you dot his to me Sir Author?
3173884 It IS her fault! Without her, Shining would have meet Chrysalis long before her invasion and prevented it, while falling in love with her. Cadance's magic is Obsession, not Love.

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