Chapter 6: The Cafeteria
“Wait, so lemme get this straight,” Applejack began. “Ya want us—all of us—to help Discord win over Principal Celestia?”
Sunset Shimmer sipped her chocolate milk for several seconds—around seven in all—then finally nodded her head. “Basically, yeah.”
The girls all shared surprised expressions—all except Rainbow Dash, who was browsing on her phone with her headphones in and was pretty much oblivious to the world. They were isolated enough at their cafeteria table for no one else to hear, but still they all huddled together and kept their voices low.
“Why is Discord trying to win over the Principal anyway?” Rarity asked. She shuddered slightly, visibly cringing as well. “I mean, have you even seen him? I don’t think he even bathes, much less exfoliates his hair. In fact, I don’t think he knows what conditioner is!”
“Rarity, you just can’t judge Discord like that,” Fluttershy said, putting on her best chiding face.
“I’m not judging him,” Rarity began, skipping a beat. “I’m just using basic facts, first of which is that he smells bad and has hair greasy enough to… to…” Rarity snapped her fingers and glanced at Pinkie Pie, “Pinkie, can you supply us with a sufficient comical metaphor I was looking for?”
Pinkie rubbed her chin and hummed under her breath. “Let’s see… french fries… nah, had those last week. Tacos? Who ever deep-fries those? Maybe chimichangas… oh wait, I got it!” Pinkie said with a snap of her fingers. “Chicken wings!”
Rainbow Dash nearly fell out of her seat, desperately attempting to cling to the table before she landed on the floor. With her phone discarded and headphones now removed, she asked with a devote desperation, “Whoa, did someone mention chicken wings? Sweet! I thought today was casserole day for lunch.”
“No, we ain’t, suge,” Applejack said, a sigh almost escaping her lips. “We were discussin’ ‘bout helpin’ Discord get… well, get lucky with our Principal.”
Dash’s face scrunched up into a cringe that was worthy of the ages. “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.” She paused, then frowned. “Also, super duper lame, Sunset. You got us all together during lunchtime for that? You could have just texted us so we could all just say no and save you some of the hassle.”
“Actually, I’m eager to help,” Fluttershy said. She was quick to hide meekly behind a lock of her hair when Dash glowered at her. “I-I mean… well… don’t you want Discord and Principal Celestia to be happy?”
“Principal Celestia is already plenty happy without some slackjaw moron like Discord around her doing… stuff.” Rainbow Dash shuddered. “Ugh, seriously, guys, why are we seriously even still discussing this?”
Pinkie raised her hand up expectantly, jumping in her seat before Dash rubbed the bridge of her nose and muttered, “Pinkie, we’re not in class anymore, you don’t have to raise your hand.”
“Because Sunset asked us to help and that’s what friends do!” Pinkie responded immediately. “Oh, also, can I go to the bathroom?”
“Did you not just hear what I said just five seconds ago?”
“Pinkie, we’re not in class anymore, you don’t have to raise your hand,” Pinkie replied. She beamed a smile while Dash sunk her head down to her chest.
“Just… just go.”
“Yippy!”
As Pinkie departed, while Applejack strummed her fingers against the table and hummed under her breath for a few minutes in deep contemplation. Rarity was contemplating what color to change her nails to to fit in best with the current season’s trends. Fluttershy was attempting to avoid eye-contact with Rainbow Dash, who was back on her phone but with a much more disgruntled look on her face than last time.
Eventually, the awkward silence hanging in the air was enough for Sunset to rise out of her seat and proclaim, “Oh, come on, girls, what’s the matter with you all? Are you all PMSing today, or is this just how you normally act?”
Somewhere far away on the other end of the school fast approaching the cafeteria stopped Discord right in the middle of his tracks. Cocking his head to the side, he rubbed his greasy goatee and muttered, “Huh… for some reason, I feel a great sense of pride all of the sudden. That, or just indigestion.” He burped a great belch that causes several passing students to turn away in disgust and visible horror. “Wait, no, just the indigestion.”
Back at the cafeteria the table was reduced to shock, furious blushes, and in Fluttershy’s case, looking down at the floor in utter shame.
Sunset sighed and slid back into her seat, rubbing her temples as a frown creased her forehead. “Listen, girls, I’m… ugh.” Sunset waved her hand exasperatedly through the air. “I just don’t know what to do at this point. I promised Discord I’d help him out since he’s… well, kinda pathetic, but also kinda an okay guy as well. He seems to genuinely like Celestia… I’m pretty sure. And I’m also pretty sure they used to have a thing in the past before things turned sour. And maybe, who knows, they’ll be happy with one another. But to do that, Discord needs some serious help. Maybe…” Sunset shrugged, tugging dismissively at a lock of her hair. “Maybe a friend or two? I mean, I definitely could have used one not too long ago.”
“Wait, so, lemme see if I’m gettin’ this right,” Applejack said. “Ya want all us to be Discord’s friend ‘cause you feel sorry fer him since you were no better than he was a few weeks ago?”
“She was certainly better dressed and smelled more tolerable, I can tell you that much,” Rarity said under her breath, still lost in contemplation over her nails. She looked up to see all her friends staring at her with disgruntled frowns etched on all their faces. “What?”
“Listen, all we need to do is make Discord look more presentable,” Sunset said. “Make him appear less of a Discord than he already does. Or at least attempt to make him seem like an okay guy.”
“Pfft.”
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Something to add, Rainbow Dash?”
“Oh, no, nothing,” Dash said, raising her hands. “Seems like the perfect plan. No way it could ever possibly fail. Nope. No way, no how.”
“Y’know, more encouragement would be better appreciated than sarcasm,” Sunset said.
“Oh whoops, my bad.” Dash winked. “Toning down the sarcasm as we speak.” Clearing her throat, Dash said, “I think this plan is awful and not even worth trying since it will obviously fail.”
“Dash!” Applejack snapped at her.
Rainbow Dash shrugged. “What? You guys have seen Discord before. I had the misfortune of talking with him before when I had to help him get his arm unstuck from the vending machine… again, mind you. He’s altogether not what any girl would consider a catch.”
“Oh, I’dunno. I mean, well… there’s something a bit, uh, appealing… about him,” Fluttershy said so low almost no one could hear her words. Well, except for Rainbow Dash that is.
“Oh, come on, Fluttershy, you can’t seriously find anything endearing about him! Discord is smelly, trashy, rude, dirty, and an all around…” Rainbow Dash paused, and then her eyes grew wide while Fluttershy just attempted to grow smaller beneath her gaze. “Oh man… it all makes sense now. Fluttershy and Celestia are into bad boys!”
“That would explain a lot…” Rarity said.
“It explains a lotta things I’d rather not know,” Applejack added.
“Why do I even open my mouth?” Fluttershy questioned herself.
Sunset snapped her fingers to catch the undoubtedly short attention span of the group. “Okay, girls, we’ll antagonize Fluttershy for her bad romantic choices later. Right now, I need to know if I have your support.”
“If it means he doesn’t smell like he’s stepped out of a dumpster every morning, sure, I’m in,” Rarity said.
Applejack sighed and tipped her hat back, blowing some of her blonde locks out of her face. “Fine, I reckin’ I’m on this too. If I can teach ‘em not to be such a jerk all the time, hey, all the better.”
Fluttershy remained silent for a couple of moments, then glanced away from the group and whispered, “Sure… but not because he’s a bad boy, okay?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever you say,” Dash said while repeatedly bumping her elbow in Fluttershy’s side. “And yeah, I guess you can count me in too. It’d be funny to see how bad he fails, to say the least.”
“Great! Discord should be here any minute. Glad we all agreed on this.” Sunset glanced back to the empty seat between Rarity and Fluttershy. “You girls know when Pinkie is going to arrive?”
“Pull harder!” Discord demanded.
“It’s still stuck!”
“Use you back! Your back! Come on, that should be obvious!”
Pinkie stopped from a moment of the backbreaking strain of tugging on Discord’s shoulder to ask, “Wait, how’d you get your arm stuck in the vending machine in the first place?”
Discord started sweating, but kept his grip on his hotpocket treasure all the same. “No time to explain, just pull! Pull like your life depended on it! PUUUUUUULL!”
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I get this joyous little tingle in my balls when this story updates.
More like "Discord, why are you terrible at everything?"
5847083 I have that same feeling, but I just read it for the first time today... Still funny as hell though.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Hot Pockets serius bsines
The fire department was later called to use the jaws of life to free discord.
Principal Celestia would infinitely facepalm.
This is fantastic.
You are fantastic.
media.giphy.com/media/Ph2EUpM4KAmAM/giphy.gif
Nope. Pride.
I know.
HAH!
Goddamit Discord.
hotpockets and janitors
i.imgur.com/HZg6sTI.jpg
We were that close to a Scrubs reference. But still, the plot thickens! Things might actually start now! Rejoice
I had a laughing fit when I saw this updated. Hard time explaining to the gf. You really are coming back, aren't you, Bob.
I have waited a long time for this, and I have not been disappointed.
'grats on the feature, too.
Remember when Discord still had some powers in first chapter? I wonder if it was just a one-time thing or stuff might happen.
I'm kinda between with this Discord has Pinkie's powers, or he has is normal powers yet uses them rarely. Or he's Discord from Equestria and enjoys living as a human for awhile before heading back to visit Flutters or something.
THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!
Heh, Discord oh Discord, your hilarious.
It seems that this Discord is a lot more put down than in Equestria, even if he can change the world how he likes, it seems he prefers to live it like he's the bottom of the pit, I mean, getting his hand stuck inside a vending machine?
I'm going to like it if he has a part in the Rainbow Rocks part of the story, course, that would likely be a while from now.
Here's to Discord, hopefully getting better. And also Twilight's reaction to him if she ever comes back for a visit.
5848009
He's supposedly the embodiment of chaos. It would be against his nature to be predictable. My guess is that he does have his powers and uses them when he feels like it. Hell, he probably has weekend poker/goldfish tournaments with his equestrian self.
5848509
I think you are right.
However, I do not have any proper response to this, so here have Shin Getter 1.
MY GOD.
So it's decided. The girls have chosen to accept this mission. It may be out of pity, disgust, or schadenfreude, but they've accepted it, and that's what matters. I'm not sure what they'll try to do, but it's sure to end hilariously.
Pinkie sure has a weak pull out game...
Wait a minute.
OH GOD WHY DID I SAY THAT?!
Or type that?
5672602
Or Troy Sanders:
emp.de/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/TroySanders.jpg
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With sorrow in my heart and sadness in my soul, I declare three 'Saddest Story of 2015'.
Why, you ask?
Look at the first chapter. Here, we have Discord, the Canterlot High School janitor. He's, well, Discord, and he does hat Discord does best, namely playing other people, manipulating them, talking so smooth that water would run off it, all that jazz. He asks Celestia on a date because he knows that, deep down, she wants it, not him. Because he's Discord.
To top it off, we see him working. In the dark. Magically in a world without magic. His methods are mysterious, weird to the uninformed character (read: not Discord), and they work like 19th century miners.
We had Discord. Possibly one of the best EqG portrayals of him there are, and the best I've seen so far.
Very well done.
and then in the next chapters you make him into an idiot, rude, and not to mention extremely flat character whose only goal is to make like celestias change and get in her pants asap
shame on you
its like the first chapter was written by someone else
He really does do it for free!
5847083 If the feeling persists than you might want to see a doctor about that. Seriously, internet updates creating such a sensation could be a sign of early space cancer. You do not want to get space cancer.
5863906
I like this story I do and u make a very good point the first chapter was amazing and It just went downhill from there it's still good just not as good as the first chapter hype told me it would be
I read 'hotpocket treasure' and died laughing!
I do rather like your Discord. He has the same feeling as he does in the show; somewhere between honestly seeming like the jokes, childish behavior, and incompetence are just part of him, yet feeling like he is simply acting the part, and sees all of life as a joke.
I regret reading this.......
Not because it's a bad story but because it's a good story and it doesn't update too often.
I juat found it... sadit has been abadonned
I have never laughed so much
The most glorious of ways to leave on a Cliffhanger
hahaha, awesomeness!
And also, I feel like DIscord's arm isn't really stuck, he lets go, he can get free
Hope to see more soon!
So is this dead or what.
More?...
MAAAAAAKKKKEEE MOOOOORRREEE! I like my daddy's story so dont stop now!
And thus, there was a brick joke.
Good to know he is fulfilling expectations.