• Member Since 14th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen May 8th

P-Russ


Just an average guy turned brony on a bet....... Best $30 ever...

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Far to the south of Equestria, trouble stirs. The newly founded "Diamond Nation" has started to absorb smaller dens and is quickly becoming a power to be reckoned with. A small den on the southern edge of the Everfree is just another pack to take over, and the deposed alpha is just another body in their militant crusade... At least that it what they thought. This follows Stonemaker, recently usurped alpha of the silent valley clan, as he flees from the hunters of the Diamond Nation, and seeks to warn Equestria of the impending invasion, and hopefully save them from the armies marching to destroy their ways of life.




More tags will be added/changed as the story goes on, let me know what you think.
Pre-read/edited by: Snlag

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 30 )

Hmm, I believe I will read this later; the summary looks interesting.

3190183
Awesome, thats all I am looking for.

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

3192079
Glad to see that you like it. I am already thinking about the next few chapters (these were essentially pre-written to test the waters, so to speak). The next part should be out before too long, don't worry.

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

This is looking good so far, it may be in your best interests to get a pre-reader though. Also, add it to as many groups as you possibly can.

3202812
Can do :pinkiehappy:. I have a friend helping with the majority of the grammatical stuff and a bit of the plot, but as I said, yo soy un n00b. (am currently kicking myself for typing that).

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

Remember mate, add it to lots of groups; my stories average around 30 groups each.

Pretty good up until the end with this new alpha, you had a good set up for the scene with the ravine. But a description of what the den is would be nice: Things like whether or not its a cave system or just an open space in a forest (both viable dens for a wolf pack in the wild, including a dug out tunnel for the whelping of pups)

Also had two parts that threw for a bit of a loop: The part with the head lopping off could have done with a bit more description as well, maybe just something about the sound of the blade coming out of its sheath. And the last sentence: Who the hell is he referring to with his brother? I understand if its supposed to be some sort of lead on, but some better indication of who that's even remotely supposed to refer to would be nice.

sorry for the stickler comment :rainbowwild:, but that's what these are for ... right?
Will be returning to read more!

3240050
Congrats! The "first constrictive criticism comment award" goes to you.

I can see where you are coming from, with the whole 'who the hell is the brother' deal, but that does get rectified, at least I think.

I kind of imagined the den being some sort of like DF castle kinda deal, like a cut-rate mini-moria if you will.

And the scene with the decapitation, well, I got no excuse. I tend to get a bit lost in the details at some points, just rambling on and on about crap that really doesn't have relevance to the story, so I suppose that is what happened, I just took it a bit too far in the other direction. That is also what I was avoiding with the description of the den, but I will probably fit some kind of description in later chapters.

Thanks for the comment and the pointers :pinkiehappy:

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

3241301
A great man once said:
prowritingaid.com/Quotes/Writing_Quote_8.png
Too bad I can't remember his name ... :derpytongue2: (<That would be sarcasm)
Don't worry about it, I find myself doing stuff like that all the time. You just have to keep reminding yourself that no one else is seeing what's in your head until you put it on paper:twilightsheepish:Or in this case, a computer screen ...

Onward! To the next the chapter!:rainbowdetermined2:

out a relived groan

I think relieved is the word you're looking for there ... there's also the one with Forrest ... is that meant to be the person everyone screams at to run? :trixieshiftright:

Alright, I've caught a bit more interest now: the annoyingly unmentioned brother issue solved, but I stand by the idea of giving a better hint at it before.:ajsmug: A few misspellings, the two I mentioned being the most glaring in my eyes, its a good idea to read through your own chapter two or three times just to examine the spelling, and you still probably won't catch it all but it's fairly acceptable as it is.

I really only have one gripe, and its totally unimportant. But it seems like that brand, depending on its size, might be a bit too intricate to leave a good mark ... especially with it sinking into his back and then ripping apart flesh as it came back out, ouch!:twilightoops: However, I did love the gory image it presented, although bloodless, the gods will be appeased for now!:pinkiecrazy:

3250339
Thanks again for the help making my crap less crap (not like that will ever happen but meh... I try)

As for the brand issue, I actually have thought about that, and there a few ways that I have been tossing around to solve it, you are going to have to see what I go with in future chapters though (I haven't actually decided which one to go with yet).

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

This one is actually pretty good, no questions really presented that don't appear to be leading up to being addressed. There are of course those little typos that sometimes just can't be avoided "its" instead of "it's", an "an" where an "a" should be:twilightblush:, but nothing too glaring. Although I will say this, your chapters feel a bit ... short:ajsleepy:. That's not really an issue for me, makes it easy to make a list of things gone wrong. But your writing is at a good enough level that you could start making your chapters more like 5k words long:pinkiehappy:, that's the length I like as a minimum for my own anyway; not too too long and not too short either, almost about the kind of length you'd expect compared to watching a half hour television show.

Anyway, I think that this has earned a like and a follow from me now. Keep up this kind of thing! :eeyup:

Alright, more good stuff, was more interested in reading than looking for crap!:pinkiehappy:

One gripe or two here though: Unless you have it described in the next chapter, it might be better to describe why he was screaming and the bar was needed in the first place, it was a bit vague. From what you described it seemed like they needed to pull something out of the wound :pinkiecrazy:, if that's not the case it needs some fixing. Second one, I simply would have liked a bit more reason for the 'entertainment room' to have been called that, and a bit more clarity on what these 'techniques' are for, as it is this could easily be taken in a very vulgar way ... :rainbowwild:

either way, good good!

I think the only gripe I have about this chapter is the last part when we get back to our guy. I'd really prefer a better idea of what his plan is, cuz it looks like he's gonna kick some ass, and then he just sort of hides :ajbemused:

Anyway, keep it up:pinkiehappy:. This isn't the first thing you've ever written is it? Just the first thing you've put up here? Cuz your writing is actually fairly good, probably better than mine was when I started writing my story. :twilightsmile:

3272572
Mmmkay... so let me try and get to all of your points...

Yeah I do know that my chapters are short, and to be honest, it annoys the hell out of me too, it irks me when chapters are that short. 5k sounds like a good goal, and I will try to elongate without adding too much fluff. This probably has a root in how I write, I have a semi-long term goal, like 5 chapters or so, and then I just go, I let things come as they may and add twists as I think are appropriate. I should probably plan it out a bit more but I am a chronic procrastinator... so yeah.

The scene at the camp, yeah, that. I did kinda skim over that part. I was hoping for a more 'hydrogen peroxide' vibe, but medieval so about a thousand times more painful. I will explain a bit more later on what actually happened after Stonemaker passes out.

Ahhh yes... the 'entertainment' room. That kinda was a bit of a last moment addition. I am trying to play up the sadistic undertones of Firestone, along with the subjugation of the pack, I was debating over an actual torture scene, but with the way I write, I would probably need to jack the rating to M. I like to get into the details.

I can see how that comes across, but the way that I thought it out in my mine was the tents/wagon are in a triangle type deal around the fire yeah? So at the end he jumps up on top of the wagon, in plain sight, hoping to draw attention to himself. I do see how I should probably have reworded that though.

Honestly? This is the first thing that I have written over 5k words, and the only thing like a fan fic. So in a way, yes this is my first actual story, and in others not really. The others have all been for school, so rigorous MLA format and grammatical rules. I don't really think that I am that good of a writer, all I really do is take aspects of stories that I have read that I feel make the story good. The rest I attribute to my personal mix of writing music (a nice combo of alt-rock, metal, dubstep, classic rock, and jay-z/eminem.)

I really do appreciate all of the feedback and commenting etc... I would say that you have no idea how much it helps, but you probably do.

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

This story is looking really good so far, just remember to watch your tenses. For example:

Never have they seen Firestone like this

3352620
Good catch, Thanks. My editor was being a bit of a lazyass so I had to give it a run over myself... there is a reason that I got someone else to do it :twilightblush:

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

3352650

Yeah, it's really hard to proofread your own stories for some reason :applejackconfused:

3352650

Also, seriously mate, more groups.

I finally got around to reading this. And this time I do have a bit of a gripe for you, but it's more advice than mistake. You seem to be telling more than showing in some places, and that's something you have to be careful of. I liked the image you put into the main hall with the ceiling hidden in shadows, but by telling the me (the reader) that it gave a sense of endlessness and mystery kills the image. Show us that its mysterious, maybe "anyone who entered couldn't stop but stare into the endless black of the shadows above them and wonder what other tortures could be hidden there" or something.

Long story short, show don't tell. That is all :rainbowdetermined2:

3426738
Thanks for the feed back.
Yeah, I understand the sentiment, and will most assuredly take that advice to heart. It probably is part of a problem I had earlier, where I would kinda skim over certain parts of the story because I didn't was to get too wordy about it, and therefore decided to go to the other end of the spectrum. I am working on it though, hopefully it will show in the incoming chapters (chapter six is being written right now, I just have life to deal with first... pesky life.)

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

Take all the time you need, mate, quality trumps timeliness in my eyes :twilightsmile:

4022578
Thanks for understanding, but its more of a irritation to myself. I know that I get REALLY annoyed when an author doesn't update more than a few times a year, or something like that. Anyways, thanks for the continued support. You my friend are awesome.

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

Alot? Alot?! ALOT?!? ALOT!!!!!!!!

4065844
eheh... heh... ehhhh.... I should've seen that one... whoops. Thanks for the call out.

Keep it Classy
~P-Russ

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