Chapter 6: Inferno
William lay alone in a small, white-sheeted bed in a large, white room, encased in its white walls and white floor, surrounded by white curtains. William thought if he saw one more white object he was going to go mad; the only thing that seemed to serve him comfort was the red cross just above the medical bay's door. Aside from that, William was nearly blinded by the amount of white that was around him.
The medical bay was relatively quiet around this hour. Just by looking at the clock on the wall he could see that it was currently eight o’clock in the evening. The same time the engineers went off to get some grub and sleep for the rest of the night. Meaning that the idiots down in the department won’t be getting cut or burned for the next eight hours. Honestly, William couldn’t see why he was brought down here in the first place. When he first arrived, he, his entire squad, the lab coats and DeSilva were swarmed by men in Hazmat suits. Everyone in the Hangar bay was gone and the path all the way to the medical bay was vacant when they showed up, leaving the entirety of the hangar bay and deck two to be quarantined and cleaned.
Lt. Shaun Bell had also been snatched up by the men in bio-suits and taken to a room, which was already rearranged and fitted for individual quarantine and study. William on the other hand, still didn’t understand why he needed to sit in here for over three hours and not receive any service. He wasn't even injured for crying out loud! William’s patience was severely low; he’d never been one to wait when he wasn't on the battlefield. The only thing he was suffering from right now was a sore back, mostly from the fall he’d taken but also from lying on his back for so long.
He shifted around in his bed. The lab coats had already checked him and said that he was clean, but instead of letting him leave, the boys told him that he was in no condition to be moving around for a few days! William disagreed. He was in perfect working condition! Yeah, he got a little roughed up and pushed off a six foot ledge onto a glass table, but that wasn't going to stop him from roaming around the ship and at least do something productive. Well, by egghead standards, it does.
But what really got his goat was the fact that Doug Miller got off scot-free. The lad was hit in the head by a bloody textbook-sized hard cover and fell straight into a sofa! At least, that’s what Shaun said through his glass box. William took a deep breath and once again re-positioned himself in his bed, closing his eyes as he tried for the third time to fall asleep.
The door to the medical bay opened. From outside came the sound of a whistling man. Opening one eye, William saw a small lad, presumably in his mid thirties, come waltzing into the room. The man had long, blonde, wavy hair, and a small goatee, in his hand he was holding a tablet of some sort. William’s eye was twitching at the sight of the man’s white jumpsuit, his fingers stabbing into his bed sheets.
The man glanced around the room still whistling his tune, looking down at his tablet he swiped his fingers across it a few times before glancing over at the commander. “Ello’ commander.” William took note of the man’s English accent. “Fancy seeing you here.”
William pushed himself up into a sitting position. “Nice to see you too, Nelson.” William planted a hand on his chin and cracked his neck. “What brings you down to the medical bay?”
“Nothing much after I finished reprogramming the machines down in the engineering department to improve efficiency, the admiral appointed me to take inventory of everything on the ship.”
Nelson walked over to the counter and started counting the supplies. “And how’s that going?”
“Not great.” Nelson blurted out.
William’s eyes widened in surprise. “What do you mean it’s not going great?”
Nelson rolled his eyes and brought the tablet down to his side as he turned to face William. “Well not only is this taking a long bloody time to do, but we’re running out of resources, commander.”
William frowned. “Resources as in what? Rations, materials, fuel?”
“Everything, really. Well... no I’m wrong there, we do have a shit-ton of fuel, but at the rate that we’re going through our food and materials...” Nelson trailed off as he began stroking his small goatee.
“Alright, the rations I can see.” William leaned forward in his spot, the aching pain in his back pleading for him not to. “Ughf!–Why are we running low on materials?”
“When we lost all communications with Earth and the last of the old post war satellites burned up in Earth’s atmosphere, we were unable to keep track of the surface, so Dr. Hassel and a few science guys came up with idea of building drones and satellites and shipping them off to Earth to keep track of the reforming process.” Nelson grabbed hold of a nearby chair and wheeled it over to William’s bed. Feeling tired from walking around all day and counting miscellaneous items and supplies, Nelson decided to take a short break and dump all of the information he had gathered throughout his review of the ship. “At the time, it seemed to be the only good way of receiving information, despite it taking hundreds of years just to receive a few frequencies, the engineering department figured out a rotational process that would involve fabricating dozens of drones and shipping one off every ten or so years which would then create a steady stream of information...” Nelson trailed off for a brief moment. “Now that I think about it though, I have a feeling that wasn’t one of the smartest of ideas.”
“There were probably much easier ways to solve that problem,” William agreed.
Nelson nodded his head. “Probably, but that’s only one of the reasons why we’re running low on materials. After the disappearances of the three drones that were over what’s left of North America, the entire continent has gone dark and intelligence is having trouble mapping out the surface.” Nelson explained, he then rested his tablet on the bed and began bringing up more information.
“Wa-wait, disappeared? Drones just don’t go flying off the radar for no reason!”
“Let me correct myself, Commander. They didn’t disappear.” Nelson pulled a video up onto the screen of his tablet and turned it so that William would see. “They were all wiped out.”
Nelson tapped the screen and the video began to play, the image showed drone sixty-two flying six thousand meters over the flaming ruins of Wyoming. At first the drone seemed to be skimming smoothly through the open sky, the camera panning in on points of interest: such as the occasional geyser of molten lava that jettisoned into the air. When the camera zoomed back to its original state, for a split second a vicious roar was heard as a black figure enveloped the screen and the video ended.
At the end William jolted, not having expected something of that sort to happen. Instead, he was expecting a malfunction and a crash, or someone shooting it out of the sky with an AA gun, but that seemed to be unlikely. Or better yet... His mind began to drift back to the picture of Archangel. The hair on William’s arm began to stand up as goose bumps invaded his body. William felt cold for some reason. Yes, the medical bay was always set to thirty-two degrees to prevent bacteria from reproducing, but no, William felt colder than that. He felt like he was back in Alaska holding off the Western Sleeper armies that were coming from the pacific.
Could that have been Archangel? The attack was brief, maybe a second long, Nelson’s tablet didn’t have as good enough quality like the main screen in mission control so William wasn’t able to make out that many details. If he kept thinking like this, William wasn't going to get much sleep tonight.
“Before you ask,” Nelson said, “yes, all the attacks happen the same way, just in different locations. After further investigation, Johnny and the rest of the crew were able to confirm that all the attackers are reptilian.”
William sat back and thought about this for a brief moment. “So...” He began slowly. “You’re saying that three drones, made out of one of Earth’s strongest alloys, were ripped to shreds by fucking flying lizards?!”
“I’m afraid so, Commander.”
“What the fuck happened to Earth...? We learn there are people still alive, my crew and I get jumped by a friggin’ bear in a house, and now you’re telling me we have creatures that could tear this Starship apart as if it’s made of bread?”
Nelson nodded his head. “Speaking of humans still being alive, Commander. You know the pilot DeSilva?”
William rolled his eyes. “Of course I fucking know him, you twit.”
Nelson leaned away. “Oh my, someone shat the bed this morning.” William shook his head and waved for Nelson to continue. “Anyways, I was listening to most your guys’ radio chatter–” William glared at Nelson with anger that was mostly overwhelmed with curiosity.
“Those channels are highly classifi–”
Nelson raised up both his hands. “I have my ways of getting things and obtaining information, commander, how do you think I got my free ticket aboard this baby?” Nelson chuckled as he patted the wall William’s bed was resting up against. “Anyways, I decided to listen in on you guys since my iPod died. Well, when I decided to hop in, it turns you guys were already heading back to us, and DeSilva was having a friendly chat with Caroline. You brutes know her as Little Bird. Anyways, during that time Caroline was taking over for Johnny.”
“Why the Hell would DeSilva be breaking protocol just to chat with LB?”
Nelson stopped and glanced around the room as if he was checking to make sure no one was around. When the coast was clear he leaned in real closely and began to whisper jokingly, “I think those two have some sort of crush.”
William stuck his arm out to push the laughing hacker away, “Seriously pal, don’t get too close to me.” But for the sake of conversation, he continued. “What were they talking about?”
“Oh just the usual, ‘how’s your mission?’” He said in girlish mockery, “‘Oh, why, it was going good, thank you for asking, where’s John?’” Nelson mimicked DeSilva’s slight Ukrainian accent.
“I get the point.” William was now slightly annoyed.
“Alright, fine. Basically that’s all I’ve been hearing for the past five minutes, but that’s when DeSilva said he noticed something in the distance. On one of the mountains he saw a castle!”
William looked at the ecstatic man with disbelief. “Okay, now you’re just yanking my chain.”
“No, mate, no I’m not, the bloke saw a freaking castle!” Nelson quickly jumped back to the tablet. “I’ll even show you, Caroline herself didn’t believe him until she sent one of the drones over to look for herself.” Bringing up the mapped-out area of what was once Japan, each north and southern end of the island had combined itself with the rest of Asia over the thousands of years, leaving the Sea of Japan to be isolated from the Pacific Ocean. Zooming in on the mission area, Nelson planted a finger on the new map. “This is where you and your mates landed.” Nelson tapped the map and the image magnified on the exact open plain. “Just over three hundred kilometers away from Mount Iwate.”
“Alright,” William voiced his confusion. “I thought you were going to show me a castle?”
Nelson raised a patient finger. “I will, mate, I will, just give me a second.” He pinched his fingers together on the tablet and zoomed the image outwards. Next he positioned the camera over the mountain and spaced his fingers apart, zooming the camera in closer. “Now,” He said a large smile splitting across his face. “Tell me what you see.”
William had to reposition himself so that he could lean forward and get a closer look. In doing so, William squinted his eyes and watched as the rest of the pixels loaded in, revealing a large, white and purple, castle with streaks of gold in some areas. “What in the name of...” William’s jaw was inches away from touching the bed sheets.
“Oh, Commander.” Nelson laughed. “You wouldn’t even know where to begin.” Nelson then panned the camera back and aimed it at the base of the mountain. Now revealing a vast, Victorian looking city, Nelson’s smile grew at the sight of William’s face.
“H-how the Hell did we not see this during entry?!”
Nelson shrugged. “Possibly because the sun set three hours earlier than usual, the darkness obscured most of the sights.” Nelson zoomed the image out and returned it back to the open plain where the cottage like house was. “You see, Commander.” Nelson plopped the camera over the house and began swiping the screen causing the image to move eastward. “There’s even more, after DeSilva’s discovery Caroline and the rest of her crew began a search, and in less than an hour they discovered over thirty settlements, big and small, countrywide.”
William was baffled. “Th-that’s amazing, if there’s that many people alive on Earth, how come we’re still up he–”
“I’m sorry to cut you off William,” Nelson said his face growing grim. “But there’s a catch.”
William felt his heart grow cold. “What do you mean there’s a catch, Nelson?”
The hacker stroked his goatee while the other fiddled with the tablet. “Well...” William could see the corners of his lips twitching upwards. “I don’t know how to break this to you...” He snorted. “I can’t quite believe it, either.”
“Quit with the fucking suspense and tell me dammit!” William commanded.
“There are no humans on the bloody surface!” Nelson blurted out, startled by William’s demand.
“What?”
“There are no people on the surface, Commander.”
“Then who built the fucking cities? Apes?” William’s hands were gesturing towards the image of the small village on the tablet’s screen.
“More like equines, sir.”
“What?”
“The scientists come to believe by our images that they were indeed built by equines.” Nelson briefly explained, he once again took control of the tablet and began fiddling with it.
“What the hell is an ‘e-kwin’?” William wasn’t a man of scientific terms.
“An equine is a horse, sir.” Nelson flipped the tablet back around so that it was facing William.
His eyes falling on the screen. “Holy mother of Mary...” William’s jaw finally made contact with his sheets, his eyes wide and an eyebrow cocked upwards. His eyes were locked on an image of what looked to be a town center, surrounding a large building was a crowd of multi colored animals. Similar to the photo he and his crew had seen in the cottage. “A-are all the towns populated with these?” William turned his head towards Nelson who replied with a simple nod of his head.
“Every last one of them, there’s no trace of anything relating to humanity, sir.” Nelson finally set the tablet aside. “We’ve had our time on the green planet, and now God decided to replace us.” The hacker stood up, his chair bumping the wall behind him.
“No one replaced us,” William snorted. “They’re placeholders and that’s all, someone to keep the seat warm until we come back.”
“If you say so sir.” Nelson walked towards the door. Stopping, he looked back to the commander and smirked. “Let’s just hope they didn’t get too comfortable.”
Nelson opened the door and stepped back out into the corridor. Down at the end of the dark, metal hall, the elevator doors opened. “I don’t care if he was going to die or not Mr. Miller, do you have any idea what your actions could’ve caused for the entire crew?!” an old raspy voice said, echoing throughout the ship’s hull. Right away, Nelson was able to pinpoint who it belonged to. Albert Watson, more formally known as Admiral Watson.
The Admiral stormed out of the elevator, followed by Dr. Hassel and Doug Miller. Watson didn’t look too happy. His usually stark-white uniform had a coffee stain just below his collar and his hat was clenched tightly in his hand. Watson continued his rant. “If it wasn’t for Hassel’s quick thinking, the entire crew could be infected right now!”
Just over the Admiral’s shoulder Nelson could see Hassel beaming with pride, Doug on the other hand kept his head low while he lagged slightly behind. Glancing over his shoulder the Admiral caught notice of Hassel’s smile. “Oh, doctor, he’s not the only one who’s going to be sweeping the deck tonight.”
Hassel recoiled. “But, sir–”
“Can it, you Kraut, I haven’t given you the order to speak.”
As the admiral neared the medical bay Nelson shot instantly into attention. “Sir!”
Watson nodded his head and stopped. “Greetings, Grimes, how’s our inventory?” Watson asked, his anger seeming to have disappeared into thin air. Looking into his eyes Nelson could see that he was pleading for him to at least shed some light onto his day.
“Not so good, sir.” Nelson’s body stiffened when Watson cursed under his breath as his hand’s grip tightened around his hat. His grey eyebrows dug trenches into his forehead and he nodded his head.
“Carry on, lad.” Watson opened the medical bay door and went in.
Seeing his superior step into the med bay, William immediately sat right up in bed and went to a salute. “At ease, Commander,” Watson said to him. “I have no need of your formalities at the moment.”
William nodded his head and eased back down onto his bed, his head lifted slightly so that he wouldn’t lose sight of his superior. “What can I do for you, sir?” William asked. He took note of the two uneasy looking scientists behind Watson. William was beginning to feel nervous.
“How badly are you wounded, commander?” Watson asked, his voice sounding cold as usual.
“Only a sore back, sir,” William quickly answered.
The admiral grinned and scratched his freshly shaved chin. “Are you able to walk, Commander?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Perfect!” Watson smiled and placed his hat back onto his head and he clapped his hands together. “When Horizon touches down in the next six hours, I want you and Officer Conway in my office.”
Horizon is touching down in six hours?
“Yes sir.” William gulped.
“Fantastic. Have a good rest Commander Keshiner; I’ll speak with yo–”
“My apologies, Admiral, but... this question has been on my mind recently.” This question had not actually been on William’s mind; instead it had just sprung up.
“I’m all ears, Commander.” The admiral actually seemed to be in a relatively good mood now.
“What about the locals?”
The Admiral’s face fell into a thinking expression. “As of the moment, Commander, we have no idea what we’re going to do with them,” He said. “You and I can discuss this in my office in a few hours.” Watson’s face distorted back into anger and he turned back to the two scientists, who jolted in fear. “Now you two,” he snarled, “to my office now, and Mr. Miller–” Watson bent over, his nose barely making contact with Doug’s “–bring that book of yours.”
:[-]:
Doug Miller was scared– No. Doug Miller was downright terrified as he shifted around in the metal guest chair just on the other side of Admiral Watson’s desk. To his right was his boss, Dr. Hassel; unlike Doug, Hassel seemed to be rather calm and collected. He sat with his back firmly against the chair, his hands were neatly folded and resting on his lap, and his eyes were aimed straight at the admiral.
Doug gulped and took his attention away from the doctor and focused more on the Admiral himself, the man who brought them here. Sitting behind his desk with a hand firmly planted on the open book Doug “borrowed” from the locals, Admiral Watson placed a pair of reading glasses just on the bridge of his nose and began flipping through the pages of said book.
The entire group was silent, and it wasn't a calm silence. It was the kind of silence that created suspense and put Doug Miller on edge, it was the type of silence that he wished he could interrupt. But he didn’t, instead he remained quiet and still. Doug watched the Admiral a frown had formed on the old sailor’s face as he continued to flip through the pages trying to make out a single word that was on the paper. Doug knew for a fact that Watson wouldn’t find a single recognizable word: on the return trip he had already flipped through nearly every page. No word in that book was written in English. He’d even handed the book over to Hassel and the doctor confirmed that it wasn’t German either.
The text itself wasn’t even your ordinary Latin alphabet. Instead it looked to be some sort of squiggly gibberish. “Interesting,” Watson mumbled just barely under his breath. “I’ll give you that, Mr. Miller,” he said, “despite your idiotic move earlier; you did bring back some valuable intel on these new locals.” The admiral leaned forward and reached for a small glass of water just beside his desk light. He took a sip. “But don’t think that gets you off cleanup duty for the next three days. Instead, I’ll make it two.” The admiral placed his cup beside a small stack of folders. “I’ll also make sure to send this down to intelligence to see if they can somewhat decipher this.”
“Is zat all you vanted, sir?” Hassel asked.
The admiral rested an elbow on the table and stroked his chin. “Well, for the most part yes, but.” He snapped his fingers. “I want you two to start cleaning up the mess hall after dinner, next, I want a sitrep on the quarantined lieutenant by tomorrow morning.”
Doug suddenly felt confused. Is that seriously why he brought us here? Just to try and read a book and give a punishment? What is this, grade school?
“Is something the matter, Mr. Miller?” The admiral turned his chair so that he was directly facing the scientist.
“I was just wondering why you brought us to your office, sir,” He quickly replied.
Watson chuckled. “I just felt like wasting your time, that is all, Miller. Both of you can piss off now.” The two scientists nodded their heads and stood up from the chairs. “One last thing, Mr. Miller,” Watson caught Doug mid-turn for the door. Watson’s voice was softer than normal. “I’d like to thank you for saving one of my boy’s life.”
:[-]:
Moon Stone clenched his teeth as the night time breeze drifted across his fur and armor, forcing a shiver out of his body. He muttered under his breath, “Why did I have to pick the shortest straw?” Once again, for the fourth night in a row, Moon had been the unluckiest of the bat ponies. First it started off with him clumsily tripping down the castle steps, all the way to him being stuck outside in the mid-spring mountain weather. Even in spring, the temperature up in Canterlot Mountain still dropped below the thirties, leaving any unlucky mare or stallion on guard duty to freeze atop the walls and towers. Those who were lucky enough to pick the longest hay straws were able to get the posts inside the warm and cozy castle.
Unfortunately for Moon and his best friend Midnight, they were not one of the lucky ones. The stallion and his friend were instead perched on one of the tallest guard towers in all of Canterlot. Even though it gave them a miraculous view of the entire city and Ponyville that was not too far in the distance, both ponies were nearly freezing to death up there in their metal armor. Even Midnight, a unicorn mare, couldn’t do much, since even with her magic, the cold, stinging winds were somehow able to pierce through.
Rising up from the cold marble floor, Moon Stone positioned himself over by the telescope. He peered through the lenses and it gave him a clear view of the city below. Not much was happening on a cold night such as this one. Everypony had locked themselves away in their homes or apartments and fired up the ol’ fireplace.
Midnight was still sitting down on her haunches, her forehooves wrapped across her chest, her eyes gazing up at the stars instead of at the earth below. “Princess Luna sure has outdone herself this night.” Midnight shivered, her forelegs rubbing up and down her body, trying to warm herself.
Moon Stone tilted the telescope slightly upwards, despite it not being the type of scope used for stargazing. It still gave an even more beautiful image to look at. “She sure did,” Moon agreed as he panned the sky. “Oh look at that, I think I see the Discorded plane–wait a second!”
“What is it?”
Far off as the eye can see, a bright light, nearly as bright as the sun, appeared on the horizon. For a mere second Moon believed it to be the actual sun. “No, no, that can’t be right...” He trailed off when he noticed the light was getting bigger and brighter as if it was coming right for them. “Midnight!” His voice wavered for a moment, “Go sound the alarm and get the Princesses!”
“What’s happ–”
“Just do it!” Moon shrieked as he dove off the tower, and Midnight teleported to the castle right as a massive, flaming meteorite collided with the watch tower. The tower disintegrated like a pile of sand as the flaming rock tore clean through it. The meteorite came crashing down over the Castle Gardens, and it smashed right into the base of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, completely pulverizing the building and its surroundings.
:[-]:
Celestia lay soundly beneath her soft cotton blankets, snug as a bug, smiling happily as warm dreams welcomed her with open hooves. Taking her first few steps towards her long-awaited slumber, she was unable to accept its warm embrace due to the alarm bells clanging in her ear. Jolting awake in her dark and stylish bedroom, she was just able to catch wind of a massive ball of fire soaring past her window.
“What in mother’s name?” She quickly climbed out of bed, ignoring her formal attire, she ran to the balcony right as the meteorite made contact with her school. A massive earthquake surged throughout the city; startled ponies ran outside their homes to see the carnage. Celestia watched in horror as her school was consumed by the flames generated from the unknown object, within seconds the entire city was standing outside the castle. Day and night guards surrounded the wreckage searching for any injured ponies.
“WE HAVE MORE INCOMING!” Celestia heard one of her subjects shout, taking her attention in the direction that the first meteorite came in. Her mouth dropped at the sight of dozens, if not, nearly hundreds of pieces of flaming debris heading towards her city. Quickly, Celestia cast a force field over Canterlot, watching with wide eyes as she noticed the massive inferno coming in behind the swarm. The ball of fire was half if not the entire length of Canterlot, and it was heading right for them!
Strengthening the spell Celestia along with every citizen who was watching, braced for impact, one by one the smaller meteorites made impact with the shield. With each collision the smoldering rocks ricocheted off and went tumbling down the mountain side. After the first few hits, Celestia knew that the city’s shield wouldn’t last long. Closing her eyes and doing her best to repair the damage, Luna appeared at her sister’s side and assisted her. Celestia grit her teeth as she fought back the unrelenting force. As she popped one eye open, sudden fear struck as the inferno was about to make impact.
To her and the city’s astonishment, it didn’t. At the last second the inferno drifted upwards and took back off into the air only to level itself out after it went over the nearby mountains, unlike the larger meteorite, the smaller ones that didn’t pose a threat, remained to throw themselves against the magical barrier. “L-Luna,” Celestia finally spoke. “Did you do that?” She looked to her sibling with questioning eyes.
Luna shared the same expression with her, she shook her head. “I didn’t do anything, sister.”
Both sisters stared off in the direction of the inferno which was no longer in sight. “Rally a garrison and chase after that thing!” Celestia ordered, she stormed her way back into her room to get dressed.
“What about you, sister?” Luna followed behind her.
Celestia placed her tiara along with rest of her attire. “I’ll be attending to my subjects, for now I need you, along with your best guards, to chase down whatever that was and prevent it from causing anymore harm.”
Luna nodded. “I’ll do so right now.” She then turned and flew out the balcony window.
Celestia finished fastening her chest piece, walking out to the balcony, Celestia jumped over the side and gently glided down to the castle gardens where the first meteorite had landed. Already the fire-ponies had extinguished the flames. Now, surrounding the remains of the garden and school, a large crowd of ponies had formed. As the smoke cleared, Celestia stopped at the edge of the crater that had formed, through the rubble she could see a perfectly intact piece of smoldering metal jutting out of the debris. The piece had to be at least the size of two ponies and just on the side facing outwards she could just barely notice the white burnt paint glistening in the moonlight.
“Stand back everypony!” demanded a guard, “There’s no need to shove! Please stand back, everyone will get a look once we dig it–”
With a quick flash of her magic, Celestia grasped the burnt and twisted metal sheet and forced it out of the rubble, causing a small avalanche of dirt and other debris to refill the hole. Seeing the piece at its full length, Celestia could fully see the charred, white painting on the side. Bringing it closer for everypony to look at, she saw the picture was a sphere with shapes very closely resembling the continents on Equis, as seen from a very great height. She also saw that the sphere was framed by what seemed to be olive leaves. Below it, she could see something she didn’t quite understand. Was it words? She didn’t know how to describe it, instead all she could see was something that looked like this:
S.S. Horizon
Editor Notes:
PhiliChez -
This totally does not count as first contact. Though it does leave them on the verge of meeting eachother it still has to wait for another chapter. Silly authors and their promises.
NewKidOnTheBlock -
Gah, just contact firstwise already! *grumpy face* Well, I guess this acts as the end of Act I: Where the Audience Is Irritated That His High Dorkliness Hasn’t Yet Done First Contact. And, hopefully, the beginning of Act II: First Contact, Yay! and not the beginning of Act II: I Came To See Ponies Interact With Space Humans, Not Both Separate!
Isaac 3924 -
GRRRRRHKFJHARFKEHFVIUFHMSKXJNHSKJ. CAN'T TALK! DESTINY BETA! MUCH FUN!. HERMIT MODE ENGAGED! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? OKAY, I'M DONE. OUTTIE 5000.
![http://www.quickmeme.com/img/6d/6d86bb5424e768538485fac135e645c6d9d35d7f62d51cd0e4eeb33be47ee99f.jpg[/img]](http://www.quickmeme.com/img/6d/6d86bb5424e768538485fac135e645c6d9d35d7f62d51cd0e4eeb33be47ee99f.jpg[/img]){kind=link}
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So wait what? Did they shoot drones at them or what? Or was that space debrie?
4748124 It was supposed to be flaming debris falling off of the larger flaming meteorite. It's even said in the story itself that it is debris.
But it is alright.
And if you didn't know what it was then that means it is my fault for not describing it clear enough.
So ... some bad shit happened to the Horizon on the way down? And they were sending drones over dragon territory?
4748206 lol, not when your story has the debris having the name of the ship referred to in the previous scene printed on it.
The only complaint I have is that Nelson "increased the efficiency" of the machines down in engineering. But wait, aren't engineers the people who draw up and execute the plans? Shouldn't they be fixing their machines? As an engineering student, it just seems off.
First off, I would like to congratulate you on your cohesive writing style and rock solid premise, you are officially a better story teller than Micheal Bay. However, there are a few things that I would like to point out. First off, I would like to confirm that a chunk of the characters are pretty flat, mostly the humans. You have ballsy hacker, slacker pilot, overweight scientist, grumpy old commander, generic wrinkled German scientist, overprotective father that's isolated from his daughter i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/376833280/h862CE744/ , chosen one that does everything and privileged cannon fodder #1. However, this isn't entirely because you haven't put the love and time into the characters, the interactions are just short of natural and the mythos is plain phenomenal, it's because you are throwing everything together into one clusterfuck of madness. To be perfectly clear, it seams that you are stuffing three stories into one book and are writing different chapters as they pop into your head. In some cases this can be an iconic writing style, Brian Jaques built his entire career off of this kind of story-telling, but unless it is done just right it leaves people confused and irritated, especially when the different focuses in your story have entirely different tones. Considering the journal suspense of Starswirl's pages, the somber and shady life of Doctor Professor Chef Pants and the discovery-drama of the crew of a city-sized spaceship returning home (as well as the ripples that their return creates), I would strongly suggest that you take the example of Merlos the Mad and segregate your story into three chunks that eventually intertwine, but mostly stay isolated.
4748413 As true as that is, I got the idea of that job from my father. Reason for that is his job is that he goes about factories and what not reprogramming machines for other companies.
An okay paying job it is, but that's just where I got that from. Since it's not fully explained and only mentioned. You could interpret that the engineers mapped out the idea and had Nelson program it into the machines for them while they gone and did other productive stuff.
But again that is an interpretation.
Other than that thank you for the feedback
4748434
First off:
Life goal is officially complete.
Second:
That is usually how I write, I get a point A and a Point B, and then I attempt to right a route that gets me to B.
Thirdly:
You have officially made my night.
Finally:
That is originally how I intended this story to be, the entire beginning was going to be just journal entries. First five or so chapters. Just Star Swirl the Bearded Journal Entries slowly hinting at the human race, second half of the story was going to be all humans, the final third act was going to be mainly focusing on the human arrival and Doctor Professor Chef Pants.
Which the final half can still be done, but the first two parts are kinda fucked. Character development however will continue to be worked on and hopefully fleshed out.
Mainly: Overprotective father, Doctor Professor Chef Pants, Grumpy Commander, Fat Guy, and a character who hasn't been introduced yet, finally the rest of the people just kinda trickle down the drain.
Thanks for the feedback, I'll make sure to focus more on interacting characters to help shove this along.
I am downloading it now. I guess I am going to spend a lot of time on it if this review is accurate
Good job Horizon's heat shields lasted long enough
not gonna lie i find the characters to be dull, none of theme are given enough time to properly develope, and the ones you have been developing are quite frankly boring and emotionless.
but the plot and writing are both fantastic!!
4748206 I didn't catch it right away, then I thought it was debris. However at the end with the piece that still had paint I wasn't sure.
Great chapter by the way. I like this approach much better than the last.
4748593
It's really fun, especially with friends in a fire-team.
I JUST WANT MORE CONTE-HE-HE-HEEEEENT!!!!!
i.imgur.com/wpa2Si0.gif
Way to go Bungie. You've got me hooked.
Now I've just got 45 days, 22 hours, 7 minutes, and 45 seconds.
info.correlog.com/Portals/121847/images/bigstock_Man_Looking_At_Computer_In_Des_5307220-resized-600.jpg
I can wait.
p.gr-assets.com/540x540/fit/hostedimages/1395841100/9051129.gif
4749001 if you are looking for any more friends to play it with tomorrow and are playing it on an Xbox then sign me up. My gt and Skype name are both the same as my current account name here.
4749033
I'd love to, but it probably wouldn't work out. I have a group of friends I predominantly hang out with, and they can be very.... abrasive. Same with me. I become a bit of a jerk to other people in games. So, as to not make you hate me, I'm going to have to decline..... which sucks, because I sort of want to meet ya. Still, it's for the best.
Enjoy that strike mission after all the story missions.
Also, here's a present:
First off, you've triggered a pet peeve!
Seriously, what happened to radar, missiles, and armor piercing rounds? Did they make all their drones at once and not think to include radar in case of bird attacks? (Those already happen. Whether it's made out of the strongest material doesn't matter. Flying things have weaknesses, like the turbines, or the camera if it's mobile.)
And now, grammar stuff.
Awkward sentence. I feel there should be a comma, but it wouldn't be correct with just that. I recommend something more like: "The entire group was silent, and it wasn't a calm silence."
It was The kind of silence that created suspense and put Doug Miller on edge
,. it was the type of silence that he wished he could interrupt.Is a semicolon necessary here? It seems like it would be less distracting as two different clauses.
A colon would be better here, since the second sentence is further explaining the previous clause and is very strongly related. A ', because' would also work.
Sudden change of tense.
ctrl-f "had". You use 'had <verb>' a lot.
And If that last part was an attack, then I think the humans just breached all war protocols. Heck, they probably broke reentry procedures by going over a civilian area. I hope something went wrong with their tech, and your not reaching for reasons to have the humans and ponies go to war. (You can do that, but I'd recommend something like that long after the humans built a base (Why would you alert your enemies before then?), or with a group of humans that wasn't just on the brink of extinction.) In any case, the engineers on that ship are definitely not the best of humanity.
Anyway, sorry if this response was a bit... spirited. But YOU NEVER CONTACTED ME TO EDIT, AND NOW MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE IS IN THE CHAPTER!
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1078_Twilight_Sparkle_dammit.gif
oi57.tinypic.com/sli69h.jpg
We're almost there.
We're almost there.
We're almost there.
We're almost there.
We're almost there.
4749204 alright I understand. I probably wouldn't enjoy an environment where 'abrasiveness' went beyond casual name calling. I've been on the lookout for new friends since it's been so long since any of my old ones have come together in a way that involves me.
4748514 cliff hangers *twitch* cl---cllifff hang---ers *spasm* hehehehe m--mm-more cliiff hangers *twich twich* hehehehe nn...no more cliff hangers.
well Looks like things now get very intersting, great chapter, Keep going
Feedback you say, well then lets see.
Your characters are bland, the story alarmingly disjointed, there are ridiculously stupid moments from the characters, and stupidly ridiculous moments in the story (and there is a difference)
But now for the good, the story is well written, the plot interesting, and there is a feeling of tension over what's going to happen now, something many fimfiction writers fail to do.
Overall good job, but definitely problems that must be addressed
time to take back Earth?
First things first, there are way too many characters. Either that, or way too bland. I cannot recall the names of the characters, or even if I read their name, cannot for the life of me remember who that person was. (Except the German scientist, because he has an accent.) Try to make your characters a little bit more memorable.
Also, for gods sake, turn down this comedic tone that seems to envelop the story. It's really, really off putting and just ruins the story. It feels as if the story tries way too hard to be funny, but it ruins the immersion somewhat.
Thirdly. I think you also want to tone down on this... I don't know what you call it in English, but here in Sweden we call it "Dötid" with means Death time. It's basically where nothing happens. This story has a shit ton of it. I would think most of us wants the important parts thrown in our faces. We do not want to see when some guy calls another guy into his office to waste his time. It's wasting OUR time.
Other than this, I like the story. It's a tad confusing with the characters, like I said, but I'm finding it interesting anyway. Oh, also...
If Equestria is in Japan... Why the heck would Destiny touch down in Japan? Touch down in frickin' America or something!
How the fuck... Yeah. MAGIC. Right?
Serioulsy, this is way too OP.
Good morning, and thanks for responding to my post, you're actually the first that's done so. Anyway, I looked back into the chapters and noticed that you used Fluttershy's house as both the insertion point for the humans and the field trip for the League of Distinguished Kitchen-hooves earlier in your chapters. So I am just wondering, which happened first?
4749478
Aside from characters, what is disjointed about the plot?
I need to know these areas so that I can either go back and fix them, or flesh them out in later chapters.
4749206
Drones like these:
images.fastcompany.com/upload/predator.jpg
Don't do combat, mainly they are bombers so even if it was equipped it's boned. The rest of what you stated with the radar I did in fact fly over my head when I was writing.
And not contacting you to edit
I'm sorry things have been quite hectic with all my editors at the moment.
I may or may have not breached the point to where I have too many editors.
4749739
Wha...
N-n-n...
no...
AHHH!
Well if you can somewhat remember passed the name of the ship and its crew. The reason being why they're landing in Japan, it's mentioned that not all of North America has been scouted, it's really fucking dangerous there *flying lizards and all*, and that's mainly about it. It's entirely unknown territory.
More reasons on why they will not be traveling to America will be brought up as the story progresses.
4749801 If a dragon eat a diamond (which usually can only be cut by fast moving water... well the water needs machine first) it can tear through metal.
I'm just going by what I seen on the show.
4749905
The humans arrived first accidentally trashed Fluttershy's home, the LDK (League of Distinguished Kitchen Hooves) arrived for clean up (there organization will be fully fleshed out in the next upcoming chapters), Fluttershy came home and walked in on the mess and then proceeded to get chased down.
That's how I've been mainly writing the chapters, one point of the story is told from the human's point of view and then next the ponies. Or vice versa.
Other than that you're welcome.
4749226
Sorry, man.
4750262
I...... think this is probably my fault.
4750262 I'm just saying! If I were in this situation, I would land as far away as I possibly fuckin' could to the locals. Like, England or something. Practically on the other side of the world! I wouldn't land in possibly dangerous locals backyard.
Oh, heh... A-And ignore the Destiny part.... *Uber blush*
4751110 Where would you rather land? In a backyard of talking ponies that live in a Victorian setting? Or a flaming jungle with beasts the size of Apache attack choppers that can tear through six inches of steel?
4751279 Um.... You make it sound as if every country from america to china has been taken over by the Dragons. You forget that there is griffony, Zebrica, Saddle Arabia... so many species! anyway, if there were enough dragons to take up most of Eurasia, overlaying the location of the dragon lands to the world and Japan, then how would teh ponies not have been wiped!
Otherwise, Great story. Love the suspense! :D
I'll just go to a corner and lament the loss of humanities geographical skills.
4751595
Wut?
No, no, I'm not saying Dragons rule the world. The lad was saying (jokingly I presume) "Why don't I have them land in America?" and I replied with that's where the dragon kingdom is. Mainly because of Golden Gates super volcano, everywhere else is still being explored. Japan is just the first place they happened to fully map out seeing that the country is rather small and is now connected to China.
I'm having fun in Destiny too.
4751279 I imagine that I'd land where there wasn't any flaming jungles. I mean, are they covering the entire earth except that one little tiny spot in Japan? If so, that's kind of... well, boring. XD
4750231
*grumble*
It's okay, I already moved from anger to the acceptance stage of grief.
Though, you could copy Twilight and make lots of lists about everything.
Though I hardly ever follow my own lists...
4752324 No but as I told another guy, the western coast of North America is going to be mainly the Dragon Kingdom... well it's not really a Kingdom but more of a territory. But as stated North America isn't mapped out yet and with any Drone that goes flying over and gets taken out it's far too dangerous to even try to settle there.
Unless the Humans want to play on the Hard difficulty. To the humans the ponies look like a species that hasn't even invented the wheel yet, so if the ponies get upset. Tough. They're going to have to deal with it, by other sitting down quietly, or having a metallic foot smash their faces in by a Panzer Mech.
Also I'm doing it for the sake of the story. Not only will it bring some interesting plot devices, a lot of the readers have been asking for first contact. Honestly I'd like to prolong it a little further and build more on the some of pony characters and a bit on the humans.But... I don't want the other readers to get bored and tab out of the story.
4751611 I know, it just that.... *sigh*
How long would it take for a flightless dragon to get from japan to Amaerica
Inconsistencies!
4754215 Flightless you say?
Hmm, well the world is rather big and even for a dragon, if it were start from the east coast and swim. I'd say maybe four to five months.
4754785 Spike somehow made it to america in a couple of weeks... FROM JAPAN!
Da Faq
4754791
It's a big world lad, and remember Japan has a few volcanoes of its own. And with the Dragon migrations Spike probably just climbed Mount Fugi and had a party.
America in this fic is just the Dragon Kingdom, but that doesn't mean that there is isn't other tribes and what not scattered about.
4754822 Hmmmm... Ok
Seems fair. Still, of all places. Japan!
4754829
What's wrong with Japan?
4754836 No, its nothing wrong. It's just that you would expect them to aim for a larger landmass. And Japan has cherry blossoms, were are they !?
What was that shock and awe? They think they could come in destory some buildings and be like we are your gods you are pets now bring us your virgins. Silly humans about to fined out they not top dog no more as if they ever where.
4755872 But that begs the questions:
Was it an attack? Or did something on board malfunction? Or was it that the heat shields weren't as good as the humans thought they were?
But that is besides the point, the humans are still going to be in loads of trouble.
4756008 yep and sending Luna can only end in awesome I can see it now her group encountering the humans when she introduces herself as Princess Luna Guardian of the night and mover of the moon one of the humans will call bullshit I can see her either making the moon rise or lifting their hole ship and stating I fined your lack of belief disturbing. (Then she crushes them all the end
)
4749001 played it. a friend actually did invite me to play. was awesome. the funniest thing that happened was a public event where the two of us and three others had to fight an op captain. it wound up with all five of us beating the npc's face in
it was awesome to watch the guy stumbling around while getting his butt kicked.
good times. can't wait to get the game.
4760173
Aside from that, I've mostly been getting angry that my friends keep getting the rare stuff while I'm just stuck with uncommon at most..... well, that's not entirely true, I got some pretty sweet rare stuff. And I did get the Legendary cape/cloak/hood for my hunter in the Iron Banner, so I am happy for that. I did get disconnected while on the moon with my friends and I couldn't reconnect because Microsoft's friend service crashed due to a melted server because of the influx of players. That pissed me off. 
All in all, I think I'm going to build a time machine just so I can get this game quicker. Also, are you Xbone or 360? I never asked.
I had the same event, but I was solo. It ended up with me chasing after the guy trying to put a dent in his shields...... only got them down once, and I had to use all my heavy ammo.