- Member Since 1st Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Mar 6th, 2021
Saint Henry The Pig
I'm St.Henry The Pig or you can just call me St.Henry...I'm a pig of dreams and nightmares...I'm neither holy nor damned...I am a pig...and this little piggy is all around, you just have to look again
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I've wanted a bioshock crossover and I think this is promising.
"GROAN"echoed a monsteous voice
Yet again, I have been put off by a description...
Its really hard and annoying to read with most of the words spelled wrong, crammed together, no proper punctuation, and no space in between punctuations. If you really want to get a good rating for this fiction could you at least search for a proofreader or manually fix this?
3163977 thx screw for the advice i'll get right on it
Well, this should be interesting.
3159474
If you want a Bioshock crossover, read Rapturous for Equestria. It's probably the only good Bioshock/MLP story on this website.
3165987 thanks for the reading advise i'll read it too
3165984 sorry not the best describer
3165987 oh and i'm trying my best, this is my first written fic (the rest are in my mind
)
The spelling and punctuations sure did improve, from what I can see. There is still more room for improvement. To make it easier for the readers, put an extra line in between paragraphs. Sometimes when I stop at the end of a paragraph to do something, and when I get back, I got lost at which paragraph I was reading. I'm starting to get interested in this fiction
Okay, dude, this premise is interesting, but you definetly need an editor, STAT!!!
Otherwise, good job.
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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to need a LOOOOOT of whiskey...
I actually really like this take on the rapture crossover.
I mean using AppleBloom as a little sister is brilliant!
I have no idea why you have so many dislikes, but please do not let that discourage you.
Please continue this interesting tale.
The only thing that would make this better for me would be seeing the look (figuratively speaking) on her family and friends faces as they see AppleBloom harvesting Adam.
Speaking of which is it going to be explained as to exactly how AB ended up in rapture?
Either way take a like and a fave.
3288260 Yes of course i'm going to tell how applebloom got there. But also (sorry to disappoint) sadly her family and friends won't see her gather adam, but when Subject E goes to Equestria (next chapter) there will be some problems with him being there and all. (No spoilors but) applebloom will kinda act like a little sister in future chapters
I've seen a couple of improvements compared to your previous chapters. Although you could use this advice: don't describe how the action sounds like. Describe it as something like "the sound of machine gun firing filled the room".
Hope to see more.
3290277 Thx again for the advice screw It really helps
Very Awesome story so far, please continue
3367529 I'm glad your liking it feel free to leave any ttpe of comment.~shyZilla
U BETTER KEEP COMMENTING OR YOUR SOUL IS MINE.~SLENDY
3367711 Gladly,
as compensation
Oh and Slendy.... I HAVE NO SOUL!!
Someone beat you to it, have a
Subject E will be pissed when he finds them!
Love the story man, but for the love of god update faster!
3395209BE PATIENT MORTAL ME AND shy ARE DOING THE BEST WE CAN IN UPDATES~SLENDY
Umm, yeah wat kind of updates do u mean chapter or fixing the chapters~shyZilla
Interesting story. I look forward to the next update. The main bit I'm curious about is how all the ponies will react to not only Applebloom not recognizing them, but also of her physical changes (obviously the eyes, the injector if she still has it, and there's no way she doesn't have at least a little blood on her from just being in rapture) and the fact that she refers to the large "metal behemoth" as her father. How that is going to go interests me very much.
That all having been said...
Please continue to write this story!
This is literally the 6th big daddy story I could find (7th if you count the songbird from infinite) and only 1 of them is still being written (albeit slowly, but still). That single one doesn't even involve an actual little sister, just said big daddy coming to see a certain pony as their little sister, and it's not even to the part where that's been figured out by everypony else. So please do us big daddy fans a favor and keep writing.
Now for some helpful tips.
[] Your story is great, but it's going just a little fast. I don't know if that's just for the beginning like some authors do or what, but try to drag it out a little more. This can be done by adding in little details here and there. Trust me, they're small, but they'll stack up.
[] Your grammar and spelling is fairly good, but you're missing a few words here and there and putting " " around some words that don't need it. My suggestion is to carefully reread over each chapter once you're finished writing or find a good editor if you don't already have one (yes, I know you're in the process of fixing the chapters up).
[] You also tend to use the same nouns more than once a little too close to each other in some sentences. For example, "she looked to her Daddy and began to tear up as she saw that she was getting taken away from her Daddy."
[] A little bit of a lore tip to help you in later chapters in case you don't already know it. While normal big daddies regard their little sisters as almost nothing more than a household plant (caring for them and protecting them from harm), yours shows emotional attachment comparable to that of an ALPHA big daddy. While a normal big daddy and little sister attachment can be severed without real issue, that of an alpha and their sister can prove deadly to both. In short, should the ponies attempt to kill the big daddy or use magic to sever whatever "hold" they believe it has on Applebloom, signs of pain or dying could be shown on them both.
This is your story though, so take these tips however you will and your story in whatever direction you wish.
3395225 I mean getting chapters out faster. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting daily updates, but once a week would be nice.
3398370 I do have another story which is called slender mane: two sides and I can't disappoint the readers of that one~shyZilla
The hero of time wishes to say this is a b.d.i.e I have wanted for a while good show old boy now "WOULD YOU KINDLY UPDATE THE STORY"
3402639 WELL HERO OF TIME WE CAN NOT THIS WEEK. BUT NEXT WEEK. WE HAVE ANOTHER STORY TO UPDATE AS WELL AND IT'S CALLED SLENDER-MANE: TWO SIDES IF U WISH TO READ THAT STORY THEN U DON'T HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT UPDATE. WE UPDATE OUR STORIES ONCE A WEEK. EACH.~ SLENDY
Yes finally a new chapter the 8 have spoken
FINALY!!! Some new chapters. YES!!
3617320NEW SLENDER-MANE CHAPTER COMING THIS FRIDAY....probably
big daddy attack ponyville
this story is really good
The thought alone makes me scared shitless. Then again, seeing them in game scares me shitless....
3747047 Wat thought do u speak of
3749759
The thought of the story
3749764 .......sorry which thought.......Is it about subject E or....
3749771
yeah
3749779 Oh okay sorry if i question alot....This is my first fanfic....so i don't know much yet hehe sorry
3749788
Meh, its ok
technically they did feel love, if artificial, for little sisters. that is how they worked. a paternal bond for the little sistesr would drive them to extreme violence.
There are some punctuation missing and misplaced.
Once any character finishes their lines, you have to put the punctuation before the quotation marks. Not after.
So far, the story is still interesting.
This is a great story!
I have always wondered about a scenario where a CMC gets turned, but I could never figure out how to get it to happen...
Please keep going...
I love this story and is excited to see ehre it goes
Grat chapter!!
Gasp! An new chapter! What tomfoolery is this! Na I'm just teasing. Great chapter to.
You REALLY need an editor
3944783 I know i do but nopony...I mean nobody wants to edit my story. So i can try to still do the editing myself....not going so well as i can read
Fuck yes kill the bicth or at least hitch slap him