Champion of Tartarus
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this is terrible
well i enjoyed this story. i cant explain why, but i just enjoyed it
3147287
That's a shame. Care to let me know what the problem was?
3147303
the entire concept should not exist. The people who maintain this archive should remove it.
Is this self-insert? If so, I would refrain from this in the future.
Next, The style of writing that your working here (I've tried this myself. The story I've got with this style is still in the works and is severely lacking). This style is hard to master, It's almost a mix between second and third person. These are tough.
Third, I would read through this again and take a critical eye to it. A recommendation for how to this is to print it out, and take a red pen to it, find someone to edit it for you or leave it be. I would take a red pen to it, personally.
As for your idea to make something bigger out of this. While I will not discourage you from doing it, I would edit and possibly even redo this and see if it goes anywhere from there.
As this is your only, maybe first, story you've written on the site I can't be mean to you about it because I was there too. Heck I might still be. But for a first attempt It's not horribly bad, just needs some revision and some editing. OTher than that I think you're good to go. The concept is different from the Human on Pony fics I've seen and could lead to something bigger.
If you're looking for ideas and things I'd try these groups, Editors Group, New Writers Group, Comments Group (Sometimes they come up with some good stuff), Group for Rookies by Rookies, and lastly (For help) The Brianstorming Group.
To get your stuff out there, try this one, The Self-Promotion Group
Its fun to make dark fics, not all of the time but some of the time.
This is not one of those times. I was in the foetal position by the 47th stroke and will not be sleeping tonight
3147855
Thanks for the advice man, I appreciate it. I probably should just assure that it's not so much a self-insert as it is an avatar for anyone to imagine themselves in that place. I don't make a habit of writing with that kind of character, but it works for the type of audience I was writing for at the time. Most other stories I write from here on out will be mainly pony with pony. Or griffon, or zebra. Or dragon, who knows?
But you say that it needs some work and some editing. Were there any particular examples that you wanted to point out or should I just assume that it all needs adjusting?
3149547 I can't think of any specific instances where it needs to be edited. What I meant was, and I should have said this from the start, try to flesh it out more. You started with the punishment, which later was explained why she was receiving said punishment, but what you should do with it is have something lead up to the punishment. A backstory if you will. And also explain how Anon got to Equestria because I doubt that he was born there.
I would also suggest changing the name of Anon. I've seen so many stories with a character named Anon it's giving me a headache.
So I would say adjust what you have but also expand it some to include the loose-ends that are present in the story.
After that sentence I want to read more.
Nice job.
3157471
Sorry that you were disappointed by what you found but thanks for letting me know what I did wrong. I'll be mindful not to make this mistake again.
Holy shit? I mean....what the...fuck? Hahaha....well....shit? Honestly this was....like "Well your in deep ship....sucks to be you...." I was like that. Its good and wish there was more because i would love to see what happens to him....because seeing that, i don't think hes friends with Celestia anymore...hahaha...and she could fart, or take a shit in his face.....hahahaha I mean thats gross ewww, who would want to see that?
-Raise's hand a bit-
Please~
Mahalo
Let my
Cameron
goooo
had an enormous boner..... up until i read the word "Anon".
you made my balloon animal deflate.....
i've seen way too many fics that say anon is the main character like its a self insert fanfic.... especially since this story specifically describes the feelings/thoughts of anon, which is not a good idea in a self insert story because many of the readers will not share the same feelings. (for example, i would not follow through with this because friend=/=guy that kicks your ass over stupid shit.... and frankly, i don't believe in corporal punishment..... more of a sexual thing for me. i would of opted for something funny like shave mane in the middle of night, give her a permanent afro using magic, etc...).
-----------------------------------------------
this story would of worked for me if you did either of these three:
-took away the internal monologue/thoughts/feelings of the main character. this would leave the thinking up to the imagination, like a self insert should be.
-made it a greentext story. i see this major flaw here done all the time in greentext on 4chan because the length is usually short so we can accept putting yourself in a completely different state of mind to insert yourself into the greentext story. this is probably the worst solution though because i don't know if this violates the T.O.S of the website and it would only be on 4chan for 1 day (not counting bumps) before becoming a 404 page (unless its archived).
-gave the character a name. you already have your own backstory for him/her.... you can practically add a name like "Bob" (which is surprisingly underused now) and change some words around so it would fit and it would work.
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this is just my take on the ONE major issue i had with this story. its not a bad story, far from it. i still fapped whole-heartily like the sociopath i am.
its just the whole "anon" thing when it really isn't needed... its starting to become an issue with me. i still liked and favorited this beautiful work of clopfiction, and i will follow you for any of your future stories.
Oh and before i close the tab, now that Celestia is undoubtedly angesty about this whole thing..... will she become her own version of nightmare moon and be banished to the sun? Poetic justice for Luna.
SOLD!
EDIT: Seriously. Looky what I dug up from two months ago.
5804955 Heh, well it's an absolute favourite theme of mine. Even when I'm not writing stories with themes of facesitting, I'll do what I can to incorporate some reference or the like to the idea of squashing a face down with a rear end. I think when I wrote this, my intention was also to leave the plot open for a future continuation if I found myself in the mood for it. As can be seen...it didn't really work out.
5827012
Oh, I don't know. It led to a follow-up story in my head, at least. Something of a self-insert, if you take my meaning.
5827096 Well, I certainly shan't object to that! Anything with Celestia's ass on someone's face goes without complaint from me~
My response for that request would be to get the paddle and give her 50 more!
Where did you get that image?