Not Quite Romeo & Juliet [NaPoWriMo 2013]

by Yukito

Epilogue - Back To Normal

The following day at school, Diamond Tiara walked into the classroom expecting to be swarmed by students asking her about what had happened when she ran away. News spread relatively fast in a small town like Ponyville, after all, and it was only natural that everypony would be super worried if a pony as great as Diamond Tiara were to suddenly go missing. That was the logic she had cooked up last night, and so she had prepared herself for the inevitable crowd that was sure to greet her as she opened that classroom door…

“I’m so glad you’re okay! Don’t ever scare me like that again!”

Diamond froze. Before her was her teacher, Cheerilee, on her knees on the floor with her forehooves around Apple Bloom, a puddle of tears on the floor as the yellow filly clearly tried to break free of their teacher’s hold.

“M-Miss Cheerilee, really, ah’m fine.” Apple Bloom’s eyes shifted to Diamond Tiara and she grinned. “Hey, look! Diamond Tiara’s here!”

Cheerilee’s attention snapped to Diamond Tiara, who did not have enough time to flee before the teacher released Apple Bloom and imposed on Diamond’s personal space with a vice-like grip. “DIAMOND, YOU’RE OKAAAAAAAY!”

“Y-Yeah!” Diamond said, pushing Cheerilee whilst attempting to squirm out of her hold. “L-Let go! Isn’t class supposed to start?!”

“I was so worried! I thought I had lost two of my precious pupils!”

“LET GO!”

As Diamond continued to struggle against her teacher’s hold, the rest of the class simply watched in confusion, wondering if this was the way their teacher felt about all students that fell ill.

It took a full five minutes for their teacher to pull herself together and release her student. The lesson started a little late as a result, and despite her attempts to maintain a professional atmosphere, she couldn’t help but blush whenever she heard her students whispering about her earlier behaviour.

When recess came along, the Cutie Mark Crusaders gathered around and planned to join some of the other fillies for a game of hoofball. However, something that somepony said nearby caught Apple Bloom’s attention.

“You got a letter from Babs?” Silver Spoon asked Diamond Tiara as the two walked out of the classroom door. “What did it say?”

“It said she didn’t get in much trouble for hiding us back in Manehatten,” Diamond told her, “And she said the next time I go I could visit her. She also said that you’re welcome, too.”

“Ah bet ye’re makin’ that up.” Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon stopped and turned around to find the Crusaders approaching them, Apple Bloom at the head of the pack. “Yer jus’ gonna force yer way in there an’ start makin’ fun of her, aren’t ya?”

Diamond Tiara scowled at the farm filly. “I don’t do that to my friends, blank flank.”

“An’ she’s not yer friend,” Apple Bloom told her.

“Wow. You’re even more delusional over this than the fact that you have no special talent.”

“What was that?!”

“You want me to say it slower so you can understand?!”

Apple Bloom took a step forward and butted her head against Diamond Tiara’s, forcing the arrogant filly back as she held her forehead in pain. In response, Diamond Tiara jumped forward and threw a kick towards Apple Bloom, which was dodged and countered by the farm filly’s own kick.

As both fillies broke into their first fight since returning home, their friends around them simply backed away to a safe distance and watched, cheering on their respective friend as more foals either came to watch or simply ignored the commotion and continued to play.

“Break it up! Break it up!” Cheerilee shouted as she ran towards the two feuding fillies, separating them and casting them each a hard glare. “You two, with me, NOW!”

“But she started it!” Diamond Tiara shouted.

“No, she-” Apple Bloom started, but was interrupted by her teacher.

“NOW!”

Both fillies were stunned into silence at their teacher’s raised voice, and without any further argument, save for the angry mumbling under their breaths, they followed their teacher’s directions towards the classroom.

“… Well,” Silver Spoon said, adjusting her glasses as she watched the three ponies enter the classroom, “I guess that confirms that things are back to normal.”

“Looks like it,” Scootaloo said, Sweetie Belle nodding her head in agreement.

“Sweetie Bellllle!” Sweetie’s ears twitched and she turned around to find her father, Magnum, approaching her. “Hey they, kid! You forgot your lunch,” he announced, holding up a brown paper bag in his hoof.

“Ah!” Sweetie Belle jumped up and grabbed the bag. “Thanks, dad!” she said with a smile.

“No problem. Actually, as long as I’m here, I’ve got some good news to share with you.” Magnum pulled out a piece of paper from inside of his shirt, but stopped as a grey hoof placed itself upon his shoulder.

“Indeed we do!” Silver Bullet said as he approached the group from behind, a smile on his face as he looked over both Sweetie Belle and Silver Spoon. “Silver Spoon, this concerns you, too.” Silver Bullet pulled out a similar-looking paper from his jacket, and both he and Magnum exchanged excited grins with each other.

Meanwhile, a cold chill passed down Sweetie Belle’s spin as she looked up at the two papers, and sweat dripped down Silver Spoon’s face as she adjusted her glasses and tried to maintain her cool.

‘It can’t be,’ Silver Spoon told herself.

‘There’s no way,’ Sweetie Belle thought.

“It totally is,” Scootaloo said with a sigh. ‘Here we go again.’

Author's Note:

Cheesy ending is cheesy. I intended for this to be longer, but I felt a short but sweet ending was more appropriate.

Anywhom, that's it for this fic. Hope you've all enjoyed! ^_^

Comments

[Seether00]

How knows, maybe Silver Spoon and Sweetie Belle will be okay with it.

[i_am_the_jam]

I think DT should have collapsed after a buck from AB. AB IS much stronger than DT.

Sequel idea: SS, after learning she's engaged, proves she hates SB by hitting her.

AB runs out of the office after hearing that, and proceeds to beat the whey out of SS, and a general fight ensues in the school, with Cherilee receiving a few hits after she tries to break up the foals.

[JetstreamGW]

3241285 you totally forgot about that plot thread didn't you?

[MagerBlutooth]

What darkness through nearby doorway hides? It is the west, and Romeo is the moon. They say that imitation and parody are the sincerest forms of flattery, so what better way to flatter the notion of romance than with a parody of a parody? Maybe parodying this story would do the trick.

Apple Bloom and Diamond hate each other. It was hate at first sight, hatred is blind, they can feel the hate tonight, and the rest of the fitting subversive expressions. Despite that, the two of them are being forced to be together by their families who do not hate each other by any stretch of the imagination. Undoubtedly certain that their hatred is worth protecting, Diamond and Apple Bloom run off together to prevent having to be together forever. From there it becomes a matter of their families wanting them back and the efforts they go through to find them.

Did you catch the problem? If so, you can skip the next paragraph.

My first impression of this story was that it was a complete mirror image of the classic tale of love. Two characters fall in love, their families drive them apart, so they run away to be together believing their love is worth protecting, and ultimately their parents set aside their family history and let them have things their way. And that's the first and most obvious problem I ran into when reading this story: the mirror image is skewed. When two characters who love each other run away together, it makes sense because they want to be together. When two characters who hate each other run away together, it begs the question of why they're even running away in the first place. Everything is flipped around regarding the love, the families, and the relationship status, but the running away together part is kept exactly the same. Because of that, we end up with so much flip flopping with Diamond and Apple Bloom constantly saying how much they don't want to be near each other despite the fact that nothing is forcing them to be together anymore. Diamond says the reason she needs Apple Bloom to come along is due to the necessity of having a bodyguard, but she's clearly shown later to not care if the two part ways. It just doesn't make sense to me that Diamond would even so much give Apple Bloom the credit of being strong enough to defend her if she really hated her that much. To me it would have been so much more effective from a comedic and storytelling standpoint if they had both decided to run away independently of each other and ended up constantly running into each other despite trying to stay apart. Just as everything in Romeo and Juliet tries to drive the two apart, you could have everything in this story try to drive the two together. If Diamond didn't want to go alone, she could have brought someone else to serve as her Nurse while Apple Bloom could have brought along a Mercutio. As is, it just doesn't make sense for them to run away together in order to avoid being together.

The marriage itself was very reminiscent of the family rivalry from Romeo and Juliet. Those involved in it were clearly blinded by it and couldn't see how it was affecting their children. Though you initially played it up for laughs, you managed to really capture the emotional effect it had on AB and Diamond. Though it makes the story seem a tad confused, it was effectively implemented and delivered something to give the reader emotional investment in the story. Frankly, I think all of chapter six was this story's high note. The relationship between Babs and her mother was charming and the addition of Babs to the Diamond/AB conflict added something extra for them to fight about. I am disappointed that you didn't take the opportunity to make Babs a rival "hate interest", though I guess she could serve the role of Mercutio or Tybalt depending how this funhouse mirror imaging is set up.

Characterization was hit and miss, though I believe your batting average was around .750. Neither Applejack nor Filthy seemed in character in chapter one with the marriage and everything, but that was resolved by chapter two. Diamond and Apple Bloom are naturally more aggressive toward one another than normal for the purpose of the story, but they have more character than their hatred, which I can certainly appreciate. Babs, Scootaloo, Sweetie, and Silver are handled well, though I don't exactly get why Silver turned into Pinkie Pie during the last few chapters. Must be that Manehattan air. As for the OCs, I got where you were going with Fry. It was just strange to see the actual play being referenced when it's not a consistent motif otherwise. Gumshoe matched Phoenix Wright's Gumshoe in interest value, though it's a shame his partner disappeared off the face of the planet. Birds was more of a plot point than a character, so not much to say on him. Same goes for Shady Daze. On the other hand, Aunt Orange and Silver Bullet did well for what little face time they had. To sum it up, I don't think you established any of your characters poorly. You just had a few hiccups here and there. Overall, nicely done.

As for the two characters I'm forgetting, Red and Fury, I could say they're my least favorite characters in the story, but honestly the way they manage to surpass Seemingly Nice in the nonthreatening department astounds me too much to make that claim. So I'll call Shady Daze my least favorite. Actually, the entirety of the warehouse scene astounds me to the point where I could double the length of this review just by elaborating on it. However, to keep things focused, I'll just describe the biggest problem I had with this scene: hypercompetence. The very second the fillies split up and get to work on their traps, we lose all semblance of suspense that anything bad will happen to them. They no longer show fear, concern, or doubt in the face of the "danger" they're up against. Just confident, sinister grins as the bumbling fools fall into the trappings of their spontaneous resourcefulness. Their fear comes back as they meet up again, but it's almost overkill, as if they're trying to make up for the fear they forgot to have during their fun time with the kidnappers. Their confidence spoils the payoff before it happens, and it's not until that confidence fades that the suspense comes back. I'd recommend avoiding being overly optimistic in the future.

If I were to say one thing this story needs most of all it would be a stronger driving force. Applejack's forcing Apple Bloom to marry someone several years from now because they'll go broke otherwise? Have they mapped out their future finances that flawlessly? Even if they did, clearly it's not that big of a deal if they can just call the whole thing off after Apple Bloom outright refuses. And what's even the point of the marriage if their families are already so close? Can't Filthy just loan them the money? Applejack already learned the dangers of not asking for help from others. I don't see what's holding her back now. This is a comedy story. You could have any kind of ridiculous reasoning forcing them to wed as long as it's grounded in something. Discord could hypnotize both families with the idea to force them to wed in order to create the Chaos Heart from Super Paper Mario. Aliens could come down from space bringing a message of peace and demand that the two ponies who hate each other the most must marry or they will destroy the planet. Celestia could invent the marriage lottery in a desperate effort to improve her approval rating and make Diamond and AB's attempts at running away that much harder. If you needed to keep the reason strictly related to the two families for thematic purposes, it still needs to be grounded in something and it has to be consistent with everyone's characterization. In that case, it might have actually more fitting to forget the marriage idea entirely and just mirror R&J more exactly. The families could discover the two hate each other and force them to simply never be apart again. An Apple and a Rich cannot be enemies. Their families are just too close. It would never work. That's the core focus of this story, and the whole marriage concept adds an extra layer of contrivance without a justified backing. It makes the story more complicated than it needs to be.

Grammar and punctuation are fine, the prose is nice, and there aren't any major mechanical errors of note. As the title says, this story is not quite Romeo and Juliet, but it's also not quite Not Romeo and Juliet. It's more of a basic anti-love story that someone unfamiliar with the play can pick up and follow easily while only being mildly confused as to why there's a priest in an MLP story named Laurence. I'd call this story bok choy and candy canes. It's an interesting combination, but I can't help but feel you could have crafted a better one.

Make the most!

[Blue_Paladin42]

All the adults in this town are doofuses. Loved eet!

[Mattricole]

lol, love that ending.

[JetstreamGW]

Sweetie: But... but... Silver help me out here!

Silver Spoon: ... I dunno, I could do worse...

Sweetie: ... ... ... Fine, fuck it.

[Mudpony]

Poor Scootaloo. No true hate for her.

[oblivion2k]

So I'm a bit late to the party, but I just finished...and unless I missed something, the Apple family farm is going under? Wasn't the marriage supposed to financially support the farm? I think that loophole forgot to get filled.

[Icean]

4587502
I agree. On another note, at least Silver and Sweetie don't hate each other.…

[Icean]

I think. Maybe. Possibly.