My life was fine. I had enough friends, an all right job, and all those necessities.
Now, I've always been a fan of my little pony, especially Queen Chrysalis.
I don't know why, but I’ve always just liked her.
So I wake up one morning with a gaping hole in my palm.
Is my greatest fantasy coming true?
Or did I get drunk last night?
Did I mention that said morning was on my 25th birthday?
A 5s/4 side fic
(Also my first one. constructive criticism is appreciated)
(tags will be added as needed)
Chapters (6)
Good luck with your fic, im gonna read it right now
You got a great idea for a fic, DONT RUIN IT
(sorry for yelling
)
Try to slow down, it goes waaayyyyy too fast
you probably will need an editor, so find one
Wishing you the best of lucks,
Dimencio20
3137541 thank you for the criticism, I'll try to find a way to slow down the fic. but I was in the moment, and had Ideas, and needed to write them down. Don't worry, it'll be longer.
3137550 I cant wait to see it!
3137554 just wait, there's excitement to be found in later chapters. stay tuned
3137555 I will
Btw you reply so fast!
3137561 and so do you. heh.
3137562 i have nothing better to do, is like 3 am here
btw, im mexican
, where are you from?
3137566 Australia, 10 to 6pm here. nothing better to do than jot down ideas for the next chapter.
3137571 How old are you?
im 14 years old and i shouldn´t be using the computer this late
My sister almost caught me
3137596 also 14. home alone, jotting down ideas to expand the story.
3137599 well i wont interrupt you more (for now
) good luck!
Btw
Follower +1
stalkerDimencio20
Some thoughts.
- Your writing style is actually pretty good. Better than I was expecting. Very stream of consciousness. (That's my style too.) Good use of vocabulary. But you might want to brush up on proper writing structure. You just have these giant blocks of text rather than any sort of proper paragraph setup.
- Slow down. Set the stage a little. Give us a setting; a scenario. Introduce us to the main character. We don't even know if the narrator is male or female. What's his or her name? What's she like? No offense, but this can barely be considered a story. It's basically just a brief, superficial description of a transformation. Try fleshing it out a bit more.
- An editor always helps. More pairs of eyes looking over your work is always a boon. Everyone on the site will tell you the same thing.
I agree with dimencio20, the chapter is a little fast. The switch between diary-like writing in the first half and story mode in the second half is a little off-putting. Also, the second-to-last paragraph should probably be present tense like the rest of the chapter.
That said, your writing isn't bad and the concept is pretty good.
I'm glad to find another Chrysalis fan. I have come up with a headcanon about her that makes her the actual hero of "A Canterlot Wedding", and since then she has become my favorite pony.
3137677 thank you for the feedback. As I said, I am currently using Microsoft office word to iron out any kinks that have popped up. hopefully, by the end of the week, the first chapter will be fixed up and the character will be given a description.
3137566>>3137599 I am also 14 just plz slow down and get into more details but I'll follow it and see how it goes and it's 10:10pm here for I am in Pennsylvania.
3157910 yeah,check my blog. Re writing the story. Hopefully finished by the end of the week.
Continue.
Not the worst that I've seen, and there aren't enough changeling 5s/4 fics. I look forward to the rewrite and whatever comes after.
I said that by the end of the week this'd be re written. Almost there. just need 300 or so words added to chapter 3 and you'll have it.
EDIT: Chapter 3 is up now
Have to say, you're still going through the story rather fast. I can live with that, but it still seems just a little bit rushed. I kind of expected Chris and Jessie to freak out more, at least about some part of the transformation... Oh well.
What freaks me out is Chrysalis in general. I'll admit, your description is rather detailed (more than I am used from my stories, at least
). But since my brain decided to screw over everything I did and didn't remember about her with a new headcanon, I can't help but cringe whenever I hear a "show accurate" description of her. 
In other news, I am incredibly jealous of the comments and overall attention your story gets compared to mine.
3168105 well, here's an idea. The show never said Chrysalis doesn't have relatives, does it. I.e. a mother/father etc. So what d'ya say, how about you change your story to some relative or something to chrysalis?
3168525
Oh, but my brain already came up with that a month ago. Specifically, her brother and their cousin will get some major roles later on.
Still it's going to be a while until I get to that, and I'm still having some problems with the current chapter (getting off my lazy plot to write it, that is).
Oh, but maybe you could give me an opinion on another part of the story. This is another thing that will come up throughout the story (password is "steps").
3168603 musical numbers? This'll be interesting.
3168615
I certainly hope so.
I also want to be the first to parody "Apples to the Core"
3169580
I'm a fan of Crysalis, 5S/4 and beginning authors. There is no reasonable reason for me not to be here.
I like this story. Screw the people that hate this.
You are most tricky to get this story uploaded. I thought that this site was no longer accepting 5s/4 bandwagon fics (granted it might have slipped by because you never actually mentioned the title of the original)
Or did you upload it before the ban?
3243830 I got it in before the ban
And chapter 5 is in the works.
3243840
Aw ... well good for you.
3137550
I was going story with someone turning chrysalis,but it has more refence to spawn,the darkness
and Anitheroism in General
Odd, he mentioned that his girlfriend would be out that day, yet she appears seemingly with hours of his awakening...
Well, now that the quick and dirty introduction is so long, looking forward to the plot moving forward. The lazy bum needs to practice her magic instead of dreaming about it! ;)
Then again, it's obvious he's still in the stupor phase, so we'll let that slide for a bit.
Keep going! ;)
MOAR!!!!!!!!!!
As soon as possible.
You don't wanna make Fluttershy sad, right?
Wee! Chapter!
Ot would be funny if their names were
Larry, Curly and Moe [The Three Stooges
Oh hey there!
SO we've got three in the collective so far. I'm going to assume you're not going to be able to follow original 5s/4 cannon since chrysalis has already made an appearance at the farm. In that case it should free up the plot a bit. I suggest using those telepathic abilities to regroup and diversify the upcoming tasks, it will be much easier using delegated distribution.
Way to take charge! We were expecting a little more mental enforcing of obedience, but it was done without subverting their will and that's always a plus. From the looks of it, it seems there's only one brony here, and that's certainly making things a little more difficult for everyone. Seems we need a few trust exercises or experiences to get things moving.
Keep going! ;)
DONT YOU DARE STOP WRITING THIS STORY!!!
3570418
I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT.
3628938 WHY TEH CAPS? also, I'm not going to stop writing. Chapter 6 will be up by Christmas (hopefully)
3629608Then I better read all teh chapterz now. I'm just here looking at the cover of the book. Welp, here we go!
UPDATE: I HAVE READ THE STORY AND WILL BE FOLLOWING THE STORY NOW. ALSO, CAPS BECAUSE PINKIE PIE LIKES TO BE RANDOM. THAT IS ALL.
(linked from Five Score: a New Hive)
Compared to the aforementioned fic, I like this one's setup. This guy actually likes that he's becoming a cartoon character! I love it when Discord's victims just embrace their nature rather than, as "Chris" from New Hive did, freak the buck out.
Well, he did say "your body confused"...
That's... a bit too obvious, don’tcha think?
Okay, so we met our little assistants. You're going to redact chris's knowledge of FiM? Hmm, raising the difficulty level, are we?
Keep going! ;)
That was the shortest chapter in the history of WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ
James, Larry and Jane?
Kinda wish it was Curly, Larry and Moe. Would be a lot more interesting xD
3737164 yeah, kinda thought of the names before I remembered the Stooges. ah well. there's always the options of subtle hints
3737167
Haha, true, great story anyways ;)
a good story thus far hope to see the next update soon
Statement is true.
you are a shape-shifting monster from another world.
It's February so I hope to see more soon...