Celestia and the Mysterious Red Button

by Word Worthy

Finale: Return to Sender

“T...Tia?” Luna’s voice was shaky. The Button trembled with power in her right hoof.

“Yes Luna? What is it?” Celestia replied, equally apprehensive. She absentmindedly wiped some crumbs from her lips and muzzle. The jumbled remains of a half-eaten gingerbread pony crumbled under her golden shoes.

“The Sun and Moon can move slowly without us, of course...but is the Moon supposed to move that fast, and in so errant a manner?” Luna queried, casting the edible pointy gingerbread and gumdrop hat in her other hoof aside.

Celestia gulped. “N-no, sister.”

The Moon was moving in a random zig-zag formation across the sky, looking for all intents and purposes like a drunken boulder rolling down a cosmic hillside. The Mare in the Moon crater formation covering much of the lunar surface began shifting about restlessly, inexplicably, before raising a hoof to her mountainous head to control the nausea of her growing dizziness. She glared down from her precarious perch in space at Luna, silently demanding that the alicorn do something. Luna, however was struck speechless and hesitant to act, Celestia as well.

Behind the wayward Moon, the Sun was just beginning to peak above the horizon. It was moving at its slow natural speed without the immense gravitational influence of its own mistress.

While the Regal Sisters were nearly in panic, wondering how their subjects must surely be reacting to the Button-induced astronomical catastrophe in the making, a certain crowd of pink mares were busy crunching down on gingerbread crumbs. Each Pinkie Pie clone had consumed a vast amount of gingerbread ponies until they suddenly inflated to comically large proportions and floated towards the rebuilt ceiling, before winking out of existence into thin air with loud cracks. Each crack was accompanied by a sharp release of confetti.

Royal Guards, their muzzles also covered in crumbs as well as confetti, winced every time one of the clones vanished. The rumbling from Canterlot Castle’s roof putting itself back together coupled with the night’s events only made the already uneasy stallions more anxious, and the cracking and popping noises were certainly not helping.

Pinkie Pie was curled up on the ground, surrounded by a large mess of crumbs. She clutched at her full stomach, groaning. “No more sweets for a while.” Pinkie murmured weakly.

Between the panicking princesses, Pinkie Pie’s stomachache dilemma, and the exploding Pinkie Pie dopplegangers, Discord was having one heck of a hoot. He sat down in his favorite chair again, sipping apple cider like before. “Ah have diabetes.” He declared in a middle-aged rural accent, recalling an obscure medical commercial he had seen long ago. The final three Pinkie Pie clones vanished simultaneously in a huge torrent of confetti, causing Discord to shoot out cider from his nostrils while he cackled like a nut.

Celestia and Luna took a moment from their fussing over the Sun and Moon to glare at him. Discord shrugged innocently. “What? You have to admit that’s pretty funny.” His phonograph was now emitting static. Discord got up and flipped the entire phonograph upside down. Instead of the track playing again as the draconequus had intended, it offered only more scratchy static. “D’oh, silly piece of junk antique!” Discord grunted and snapped his fingers.

The music player combusted into a cloud of electricity, before disappearing from sight completely. Somewhere in Canterlot at the very same moment, Octavia was screaming as a phonograph appeared upside down on her ceiling, which then fell and crushed one of her tables full of sheet music, along with one of her most prize cellos. The phonograph, still intact, began playing random audio from unknown sources. “....bzzzzt....Dope!.....bzzt....But that’s not all! Call now, and I’ll double the offer!....and this is my favorite store on the Citadel.....bzzt...The only thing we have to fear is, fear itself!.....bzzt....Spider-Man, Spider-Man, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!...bzzt....Is mayonnaise an instrument?...bzzt.”

“Nay, I see no humor at all.” Luna said dryly, still narrowing her cyan eyes at Discord.

“I see a big mess, one I’ll have to clean up!” Celestia added with distress, sweeping the throne room with her steely gaze. She huffed, tsked, and sighed irritably over each pile of crumbs she laid eyes on.

“Ohh...I think I see dead people,” Pinkie Pie groaned, then her stomach let out a low whine. “...and a bright light....Candy Land?!” She set her head down on the marble.

Luna rolled her eyes at Pinkie Pie’s murmurings, and looked again at the Button in her grasp. Since it was practically dawn now and the bizarre night over with, the Princess was wondering when and how the Button would finally....

“Luna, look! A new note has appeared!” Celestia exclaimed, pointing in a particular direction. Towards it, a Royal Guard had a piece of paper randomly and crudely scotch-taped to his gold-gilded breastplate. “My little pony, if you will, please?”

The guard hesitated awkwardly, finally realizing it was on him. Blushing, with his ears flattened, the stallion dropped his spear, removed the note from his chest, and meekly handed it to Princess Celestia. As he walked away, Discord and the sisters noticed a second mysterious paper–this one super glued–on the guardspony’s flank, where his armor covered his cutie mark.

The note said: Stop right there criminal scum!

Celestia handed the first note to Luna, who read it aloud for all to hear. “It’s now dawn. And you all managed to press the button well over ten separate times, despite my most clear of warnings. Congratulations, you damn near doomed us all with the shiny potentially history-erasing button! Well guess what, herein lies the good news, we’re coming to get it back. Expect us any moment now. P.S., you all better not be that giant talking milkshake, the mentally-challenged meat guy, and the smart ass floating bag of french fries with the goatee and their fat obnoxious neighbor, Carl. I’ve had it up to here with those guys’ antics over the years, and them getting something like the Button would be the final straw for me. What in the world? Just what kind of being sent us this accursed red button in the first place?” Luna gawked at it, following only the portions before the P.S.

“No telling. At least they’ll be here soon, and we then we can finally put this...erm...interesting...night behind us.” Celestia declared with a sigh of relief. The Royal Guards sighed as well, wiping the nervous sweat from their brows and muzzles.

Their reprieve was short lived, for their Princess had a new order for them. “My Royal Guards, would a few of you be so kind as to go out to the grand front entrance of the Castle to make sure the smiling sun mailbox is furnished with shiny arrows pointing to it, and that the uncool kitten one is likewise moved into the thick shadows of the battlements, please?”

From nowhere in particular, Rainbow Dash, unseen but heard clearly, shouted “So not cool!”

“Hey Rainbow!” Pinkie Pie called out sweetly, looking around randomly and waving. She had instantly snapped out of her stomachache and jolted back upright, as healthy and vibrant as can be.

“What’s up Pinkie!”

A Royal Guard saluted briskly. “Uh, will do, your highness!” He and three others cantered away with haste.

Just as the guards disappeared through the throne room’s main entrance, the Button began shaking and whirring loudly in Luna’s hoof. She squeaked involuntarily and threw it to the ground. No sooner had the strange device made contact with the polished marble floor, a great fiery portal opened.

Loud sounds, the sounds of an engine, reached out from the portal, then a large black armored truck zoomed out and into the expansive room. It crushed the bits of gingerbread as it went, leaving Celestia further ticked off at the mess. Guards yelped and rolled out of the way as the large vehicle came to a stop in front of the Princess’ throne.

Discord and Pinkie Pie both stared at the vehicle curiously. “Hmm, well what do you know? Black is a fashionable color whilst traversing the multiverse. How tickling!” Discord said.

“Ooh! It looks like an ice cream truck, but cooler!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

Luna was craning her neck to get a good look at the side of the truck. Alongside a logo of three symmetrical arrows pointing towards the center of a circle, the truck had words written in an official, professional font, emblazoned there that read thusly: SCP Foundation: Keeter-Class Containment and Control Task Force #117

“Search Contain and Protect!” Celestia cried out angrily, following her younger sister’s gaze. “I should have known they’d have something to do with this! Why can’t they supervise their own dangerous charges instead of dumping them here without warning?”

Discord poofed into a medical diagram of a unicorn’s skull and brain, then floated next to her shoulder. “That’s right Tia, give them a piece of your mind!” He chuckled, before reverting back to normal.

The white-furred alicorn grumbled and rolled her eyes, rubbed at the ground for a second, then started to glare sternly towards the tinted windshield of the truck, which was sitting still with its engine running idle. “Well, what are you waiting for, SCP? Get out and collect your precious Red Button!” Celestia levitated the Button up and waved it at the truck.

Simultaneously, the beefy metal doors on both sides of the truck opened up, and blaring heavy metal music emitted from inside.

The occupants each stepped out. The driver’s four hooves thudded loudly on the marble, and the passenger’s furry, paw-like feet padded to the ground on the other side. The metal music stopped playing. Both the beings’ appearances caused the Princesses to gawk.

“Oh no...” Celestia muttered. “Tirek and Scorpan, of all people.”

“You two, from that one other realm of ponies? Huzzah! How terrific, tis now an exquisite day with the both of you here.” Luna’s regal voice was positively dripping with sarcasm. Were it any thicker, the sarcasm would pool down and melt a hole through the floor.

Tirek folded his massive arms at his chest, and huffed deeply. Scowling, the red and black centaur sized the two glaring alicorns up with his yellow feline-like pupils, and when he noticed Discord, the scowl inverted into a menacing grin, thanks to his fangs. “Ah, Discord. A pleasure to see a powerful old bringer of chaos such as yourself out and about from imprisonment once more. It’s been too long.” His voice was almost dramatically deep and baritone, as befitting his figure.

Discord’s eyes twinkled with mirth as he walked up to Tirek and the duo did an elaborate handshake. Scorpan, brown-furred with a head similar to a crocodile’s, folded his arms and fidgeted his large bat wings impatiently as he watched them both.

‘My dear Tirek, I haven’t seen you since we pulled that prank off on the Sisters’ parents! Remember? That one time with the windigos!” Discord proclaimed, chuckling and reminiscing fondly. “Why, it must have been at least...” Both Celestia and Luna intensified their glares at the mention of their mother and father. Scorpan shrugged at them apologetically, to little effect.

“Three thousand years!” Tirek finished, huffing out air ominously again. While he and the draconequus continued to chat, Scorpan treaded on over to the Princesses, and promptly scooped the Red Button off the ground with as much care as if it had been a nuclear warhead. He then set it into its original crimson-colored cardboard container, then set it down gently at his feet. With this action, the Button’s magics were negated, causing Luna’s Moon to come to rest in a normal location for the morning.

The Mare in the Moon made a motion resembling a sigh of relief, then ceased moving altogether, returning to her normal self as well. Luna felt a great burden lift from her shoulders as this all happened. The feeling was almost enough to make her smile.

Scorpan gave them a stern but rather flustered eye as he held the device out in front of him. He could tell by their fierce gazes, that the sisters wanted answers from him. Now.

“Yes, yes. I was the one who was clearly sending you the messages, all three of them.” He stated stridently.

“What of the fourth, the note attached to one of our poor guards?” Luna asked.

“Tirek.”

“How about the alternate reality versions of Twilight Sparkle...Pinkie Pie’s fifth note that got her involved, and the internet posting that attracted the Twilights and possibly the alicorn hordes as well?”

Scorpan released an almighty sigh. “Tirek...”

“...Tirek’s.....trolling.” The word left a nasty taste in his mouth.

Tirek had been waiting eagerly for this. “Indeed. For I am Lord Tirek, Transdimensional Troll Extraordinaire!” He exclaimed. For demonstration, Tirek snapped his fingers and then without warning Twilight and Spike appeared on the floor next to them, causing Celestia’s jaw to drop comically. Both were sleeping peacefully in their beds, somehow unawoken by their sudden teleportation. Tirek leaned down, drew a deep breath, then roared at the top of his lungs. The unicorn and the young dragon jolted awake in shock. Before they could say or do anything, the dark centaur snapped his fingers again and the pair were teleported back to their home, while he guffawed intensely.

He finally collected himself to speak again, after an entire minute. “Behold, I even have my own business cards!” Tirek said, eliciting laughter from Pinkie Pie and Discord, the former of the two bouncing up and down as Tirek randomly tossed little cards from the pouch around his neck, with his face in a professional expression stamped on them, in every direction.

“And the Button? What does the SCP have to say for themselves in regards to carelessly teleporting this...Keeter-class object....into any random world? Well?” Celestia interjected, quickly recovering from Tirek’s prank and interrogating Scorpan again.

“In the interests of the Foundation, let me start by saying Tirek is absolutely not a part of our organization” Scorpan showed them a badge, bearing the same circle and arrow logo as featured on his APC-like truck. “But given his and Discord’s nature as universe-traveling entities, Tirek and similar beings are useful as traveling guides and independent contractors in the SCP’s relentless quest to hunt down and contain the various dangerous artifacts and-or creatures that plague the multiverse. Unfortunately, being an indie, Tirek is beyond my control. And believe you me, when the Higher Ups assign us agents contractors like him, we’re stuck with em’ too.”

“You still didn’t answer my question entirely.” Celestia asserted. If she had arms, they’d be folded right now.

“Ah yes. As my first message of instructions said, the Button is very powerful, and very, very dangerous, and the message and box were already pre-included with the Button for this very type of emergency. You see, fact is that your’s truly over here,” Scorpan motioned towards Tirek, who chuckled maliciously. “Decided to have some fun and without warning, teleported the button out to some random world, Equestria in this case, to wreak havoc while we had its containment chamber open for routine maintenance procedures. On top of that, it took us roughly six hours to discover where Lord Tirek had sent the button to, hence the instruction to guard it for the night.” He explained.

Scorpan brightened up a little as he surveyed the area around him. “At least we now know how powerful it can be at various times, maybe this wasn’t as big a calamity as I had feared.”

“I see, very interesting. So this is all Tirek’s doing?” Luna’s face was mild as she stared at Tirek and Discord. “What of Morgan Freeman’s involvement?”

Mentioning of the name drew an astonished “huh” from Scorpan. “Freeman? You actually managed to get a god from another ‘verse involved in our great Button Dilemma?”

“Indeed.”

“So, aren’t you going to punish Tirek for the threat he put our kingdom under for the entire night, or aren’t you?” Celestia demanded.

The furry winged humanoid could only shrug helplessly. “Like I said, he’s beyond my control and he’s not SCP, so we can’t discipline him like you can Discord.”

“Hey, are you guys also the Ponies in Black?” Pinkie Pie wondered.

“No, that’s a separate organization for handling non-supernatural entities.” Scorpan folded his arms again, his reptilian face pulled into a frown. “Plus, they’re breakfast-stealing jerks.” He mumbled as an afterthought.

Tirek ended his conversation with Discord and trotted over to Scorpan’s side. “Well everyone, I believed we’ve...I’ve had my fill of chaotic fun for a good century or two at least. Come, Scorpan, let us be off to HQ to return our little shiny red friend here. I’ve got a date with the Goddess Circe this evening, and she’s not a fan of being stood up!” The centaur clapped his burly hands. “Chop-chop, let’s go, little SCP agent!”

Scorpan expressed his deepest apologies to the pair of partially flabbergasted alicorns, then begrudgingly grabbed the red box containing the Button, and jumped into the passenger’s seat of the truck. “Your Highnesses, they don’t pay me enough for this job.” He then disappeared into the cabin. “Wait, wasn’t there supposed to be bubble wrap in this too?”

Luna blushed as Scorpan closed his door. She still had one of the sheets–still not popped and protected from the button’s effects–hidden and sheltered under the folds of her left wing.

“Tirek! Aren’t you even going to apologize for this...nonsense you caused?” Celestia called out.

Metal groaned as the driver side’s door paused halfway from closing. Tirek leaned and peered out, about to crank up his music again. He gawked at her, then scanned around at the piles of dessert crumbs, lingering confetti, and whatever other tell-tale signs of the Button’s antics still remained in the throne room. “Apologize for what? You mean for what terrible cleanliness standards you Equestrians seem to keep around here?” He quipped.

Before Celestia could deliver a Royal lambasting rebuke, Discord and Tirek conversed again, cutting her off prematurely.

“Well now, you have fun back out in the multiverse, you old dog, you.” Discord said, giving his goodbyes..

“See you around, Discord. Take care and tell Chryssie and ol’ Sombra, I said hi..”

The draconequus nodded conspiratorially as Tirek got into the driver’s seat of the black behemoth of a truck. “I’ll be sure to send a mountain of you’re business cards to their cells in Tartarus!” He waved as the truck started to back out and face the main entrance from which it had first appeared.

Everyone could hear Tirek and Scorpan’s exchanges as they got ready to start up their fiery portal. “Why do you always play this stuff? It’s barely even music!”

Tirek turned up the death metal on his stereo. “Of course a desk-jockey like you couldn’t appreciate Dethklok appropriately. The vocals of Nathan Explosion are far too metal for your feeble body to handle. You’ll never be a Brutal Legend, like Jack Black the Great!”

“Drat. So, who are you going to ‘troll’ next, you gigantic horned arse?”

“Hmm, I was thinking maybe a couple of Circe’s friends, or perhaps one of Odin’s lot. That would be a hoot! Then there’s the possibility of Morgan Freeman, Sheogorath, an obese scientist named Robotnik, a Shepard with space magic, some politicians, a yeti named Skips, six nobles, psychotic fella by the name of Ren Hoek, a Princess obsessed with candy and bubblegum...” Tirek chuckled loudly over the loud guitar rifts blasting out. “Ohh, how the glorious list just goes on!”

“Stars have mercy on me.” Scorpan muttered.

It was then that Tirek cranked up his music even higher, chuckling up a storm. Heavy death metal music was now resonating through the castle, sending vibrations that Discord, Pinkie Pie and the Princesses could all feel. Almost all the Royal Guards standing on the sides felt the urge to bang their heads back in forth to the music. The strange duo’s truck then opened up its fiery portal. The tailpipe belched out flames that dissipated into the air, the vehicle sped off through the portal. A loud guitar solo was the last everyone heard of them, and then the portal closed in a tiny explosion resembling a supernova in appearance. A still-burning trail of fire marked where the tires had went across the marble ground.

Celestia’s jaw had fallen comically again, while Luna and Pinkie Pie watched with their mouths forming ‘O’ shapes.

“Metal.” Luna remarked.

“Totally metal.” Celestia agreed.

“Wow.” Pinkie Pie said, actually left speechless for once. She quickly recovered. “I’m tired, I better get back to Ponyville now. Bye your majesties!”

Celestia and Luna both waved at her awkwardly as she bounced outside and enjoyed the new morning air. By now the flames had burned out, and Celestia asked, “What are we to do with this mess? Where should we start?”

Luna sighed. “I’m afraid I don’t know. They’re just so many piles of random stuff everywhere...”

That was Discord’s cue. He stretched and yawned, snapped his fingers, and the entire mess vanished. The throne room now looked more-or-less as it had the previous evening. Before either sister could thank him or make a comment, Discord said with an extended yawn, “You alicorns sure know how to have fun with otherworldly objects! Such self-control and grace you exhibited last night, you party animals!” Discord had transformed his own body into a bed, his face on the headboard, and was already drifting asleep.

Despite the night’s antics, both Princesses still were in a partially good mood. They rolled their eyes and chuckled good-naturedly at the sleeping Draconequus, then levitated him back to his quarters. Not long after, both took brief naps at his feet. Philomena even flew in and joined them.

Later on, at Tia’s sheer insistence, Luna eventually retreated to her own quarters for a much longer rest until evening, while she herself elected to endure through the day with only an hour of sleep to work off of. While sitting on her throne, Celestia could have sworn she kept seeing red buttons popping up out of the corner of her vision. Fortunately, it was just her exhaustion playing tricks.

All was well.

Two weeks later, Pinkie Pie was bustling about Sugar Cube Corner, doing day-to-day business.

A knocking sound drew her and the Cakes’ attention to the back door of the shop. Pinkie hummed pleasantly, curious as to who their visitor may be, and as to why they didn’t just come in through the front.

Instead of a visiting pony, everyone was greeted with an ordinary brown cardboard box. A label was on it, and she read it aloud, “Priority delivery for Ms. Pinkamena Diane Pie. Handle with care.”

“Well then, Pinkie Pie, why dont’cha take it inside and open it?” Mrs. Cake suggested with a smile.

“Good idea! Hmm, I wonder what it is...?” Pinkie beamed as the possibilities flowed through her mind and she carried the box inside. When she set it on a clear table and opened it, what she saw caused her to gawk awkwardly, abandoning her normal ever-cheerful attitude. Both the Cakes noticed her weird behavior, and went over to investigate. When they saw the contents, they too stared awkwardly.

“Wut?” Pinkie Pie asked, dumbfounded.

Inside, was a book labeled, Twilight and the Mysterious Blue Door. All three looked to each other in confusion. They shrugged, then set the story aside for later, returning to the running of Sugar Cube Corner.

Nobody noticed outside that a random, unassuming wooden door was sliding on its own across the road towards the town library; Twilight Sparkle’s abode. It’s sky blue paint, faded but not chipped, gleamed in the sunlight as it went.

The End

Comments

[Tatsurou]

Umm...hwat?

[Word Worthy]

3951233 That's what I said, after I finished writing and proofread it.

[JoeReads]

3951274
I would like to know what the Blue Door joke was!
Please

[Word Worthy]

3952332 It actually wasn't a joke. It's the set up for a sequel. Pinkie Pie was supposed to receive a gen. 3.5 pony in the mail as the ending gag, but I figured that would be too....horrifying.

[xv22shasokais]

Dun dun duuunnnn...!

[Lag Incarnate]

All the references...
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/479927__safe_solo_pinkie%2Bpie_animated_solo%2Bfemale_female_saliva_spoiler-colon-s04e01_princess%2Btwilight%2Bsparkle%2B-dash-%2Bpart%2B1_creamy%2Bcreamy%2Bfrosting.gif

[JoeReads]

3952352
Sorry, I was tired so I typed joke
Also, I look forward to what you have planned
Until then, enjoy this inspirational music :

[MidnightFMare]

5301003 one: landshark with hooked tentacles that ended with beak, theoretical physics being turned on their head and a broken TARDIS: invitations could not be sent out... and two: we needed to killitwithfireandlazers, fix the TARDIS, and still have break for lunch so yeah... we would have invited you but the next time(heh, time) time and space is broken, I'll drop you a line

[Ice Feather]

I am now craving for red buttons.

[Nickyboy5038]

That certainly was... something.