• Published 1st Sep 2013
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Dear Diary - Dconstructed Reconstruct



Legend says that when Nightmare Moon broke free of her prison, she did so with the aid of the stars. What if the stars are indeed evil...?

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Dear Diary

Okie dokie then! At Twi’s suggestion, I’m going to be keeping you, diary. I’m not entirely sure why she suggested it to me, especially since she knows well I never really need to keep my thoughts in paper. After all, isn’t it much better to share thoughts with all my friends, especially if those thoughts are good thoughts or good stories? Maybe even good thoughts that happen to be good stories—or good stories that would make even better thoughts! Yeah, that’s why it’s best to just say things as they happen.

I guess keeping you is going to be a very good thing then, small diary. You’re quite cute with your red cover and little blank pages. I can see why Twilight really loves to have others like you all around her. Boy, it’s going to be very fun writing everything that happens down on you, especially since I know you all are now reading my every thought.

So, hi! My name is Pinkie Pie, and I’m Ponyville’s resident party planner and all-around super baker! Not that I’m tooting my horn or anything like that. I’m pretty sure that this diary will eventually get read by somepony else down the line, maybe even by Twi. So, if you’re reading this, Twi, then I followed your idea as you suggested. If it’s somepony else that’s reading this, then hello and welcome to my innermost thoughts!


February the 9th
Dear Diary:

Twi’s busy with something. Then again, ever since she got those neat wings and became a princess, she’s been a busy pony. I wonder how she manages to deal with all the work she seems to be stuck in most of the time? I can’t imagine working every hour of the day like she seems to be doing. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw her a party.

Yeah, I think that’s what I should do, throw her a surprise party to cheer her up. Oh, what’s that diary? Twi’s too occupied with something else? Well, that’s why I should throw her a party, silly!

Anyway, the reason Twi seems so busy as of late is because she’s studying this new ‘danger’ in the Everfree Forest. She hasn’t really told us what it is exactly, or even why it’s so dangerous other than it is something that nopony has ever seen before. Oh, and it happened after a meteor shower.

Boy, oh boy, it all sounds so interesting. I wanna know more! I think I’ll pay Twi a visit to see if I can get her to spill more of the beans. Oh, I should also take the party cannon with me and give her that really nice surprise I’ve been planning. I can’t wait to see her reaction when she finds her home all set up for a party.

--- * --- * --- --- * --- * --- --- * --- * ---

Well, the party didn’t go well. Twi was all, “What’s this? Pinkie, why’d you mess up my work space with party decorations?” Jeez, I slaved for over ten minutes setting up her surprise party, and what did she do? She got all mad and started yelling that I leave her alone. Twi really needs to start livening up again. At least I got to hear more about the situation that has Twi all tied up in a knot.

Turns out the danger she’s talking about showed up with the meteorites. How danger just ‘shows up’ is beyond me. Danger either is, or isn’t. The way Twi explained it made it sound like some twisted-up mess that just made my head spin like a candy cane’s color. Speaking of candy canes, I could really use one right about now. All this talk of gloominess is really getting to me. What’s that, diary? I’m getting off topic? You know, I think you are absolutely right.

Well, apparently one of those neat shooting stars that we see every once in a while crashed down on the Everfree Forest. Zecora was the first to find the piece of space rock. She picked it up and brought it to her home. You know, that sort of begs the question of how she picked up that rock in the first place? Those falling stars fall with enough speed to literally catch on fire. Also, they are rocks. I guess that’s a question better saved for Zecora.

Anyway, after Zecora picked up the rock and took it home, she went quiet and stopped coming to town for a few days. When Twi went over for their weekly afternoon tea sessions—you know, the ones where they talk all about zebra magic and other eldritch mumbo-jumbo that tends to make ponies’ lives worse in the end—Zecora outright refused to greet Twi. That’s when Twi did what she tends to do best: freak out! Or wait, I think I’m the one that does that a lot. Well, point is that Twi freaked out.

Now, the way I’ve heard Twi talk about it, she’s taken to calling what Zecora got some kind of sickness. A ‘strain,’ if you will, at least in Twi’s own words. “Anything that comes into contact with the strain becomes contaminated by the alien nature of the meteorite,” she keeps telling all of us. Why can’t Twi just say “really bad sickness from outer space” or something? That certainly would get everypony’s attention! She keeps talking down to me about it, treating me like some foal. I know what a sickness is Twi! You don’t have to talk down to your friend just because you’re all stressed out or something.

At any rate, Twi has been having a lot of equipment flown down from Canterlot using those neat flying chariots in order to deal with the disease. I swear by Celestia and Luna that I’ll fly on one of those neat chariots one of these days—maybe get Dash to give me a lift.

Anyway, every one of the flying carriages has brought some kind of package down to Golden Oaks Library, and they’ve always been accompanied by these mean-looking guards. None of them seem all that friendly, and they’ve outright refused to eat any of the nice little baskets of cupcakes I’ve left at their hooves. They could at least say they don’t want them instead of tossing them into the trash. The only pony that seems willing to talk at all is Spike, and he isn’t even a pony. What would he be called though? A dra-pony? A draky? Ah, I’ll figure it out later. As I was saying, Spike keeps telling everypony who asks that Twi’s very busy converting the library into a “mobile bio-hazard containment and research station.”

Oohhh, so she’s turning her library into some a MBCRS laboratory? Neat! Now I really want to know what she’s up to.

--- * --- * --- --- * --- * --- --- * --- * ---

Earlier today, at ten o’clock at night, Twi called for a meeting in town hall. The whole town showed up, and as I expected, many of the townsfolk were not at all happy to have been gathered at such a late hour. Some mares still had their mane curlers and pajamas on! I honestly didn’t know that Vinyl Scratch wore pajamas with little cellos in them. Kind of ironic if you ask me.

Once everypony had gathered, Twi started to explain that the strain she was looking into was very dangerous. Some kind of airborne virus brought down from the cosmos by the meteorite. Finally, she’s actually speaking in non-gibberish science-y terms. It was kind of boring though, mostly because I already had known everything she had been saying at the time. I actually nodded off about ten times. I kept being awakened by Dashie, who constantly gave me this annoyed glare. Just where did Dash get all of her energy? Maybe she really did make shakes out of “rainbow and awesome” as she boasted.

*Note to self: Make icing out of concentrated rainbow extract. That’s sure to add a punch to the next big cake.

To save you, my readers, a very, very long and very, very boring read, I’ll explain what Twi said in simple terms: Big rock came from space (which I already knew). Big rock crashed in the Everfree Forest and was picked up by Zecora (again, which I already knew). Rock had something nasty on it that caused Zecora to fall ill (Again, something I already knew). Nasty thing on rock was spreading around the forest faster than it could be contained. Okay, that last part had been new—and kind of scary—to me. Still, Twi was on the case! I’m sure she has this all under control. She’s a princess now after all, and still is the element of magic. We have nothing to worry about!

When Twi called the meeting adjourned, she asked that everypony go home and stay home. Feeling bad for nodding off so many times (though again, I still got the message. I’m not exactly a deaf pony), I asked Twi if she wanted my help with whatever she had in store. I won’t lie, I also asked if I could help because I was curious as to what was happening in the MBCRS lab. Maybe one of my twitches would be of help to her. Speaking of twitches, they had been going off all day long, particularly one pertaining to a big cold something that didn’t really make much sense to me. It wasn’t one I had ever really experienced at least. It would have been neat, had the situation not been this, well, bad I guess. Honestly though, I think Twi’s just getting all worked up over nothing. Again. This wouldn’t be the first time she’s gone and gotten the whole town riled up over something. Difference is that now she has a lot of guards to boss around.

As I had kind of expected, Twi refused my offer, her eyes telling me that she knew I had been nodding off during her talk. She added—rather harshly—that she was fine with using only her equipment. She even went so far as to say that I would just get in her way, reminding me of the ill-celebrated party I had tossed her. Again Twi, you don’t need to be so mean if you don’t like my parties. Just say the word, I’m never going to toss you a—who am I kidding? I’m still going to toss you parties, weather you want me to or not!

Right before she left, Spike walked up to me and told me something about the virus being more serious than they had originally thought. He said it was so bad, Celestia had diverted almost all scientific research to the goings on in the Everfree—a first in Equestrian history.

At Spike’s words, my body rumbled all over. It was that “really big cold” feeling again. Only, it was more intense. It gave me some very serious goosebumps…


February the 15th
Dear diary:

I’m sorry I haven’t really written in you over the last six days. I’ve been too busy to stop and write. I’m really, really sorry. What’s that? Why haven’t I written in you? That’s a very good question. Let me answer it after this quick cupcake break.

Okay, where was I, a yes, the reason. Well, you see, five days ago, things were quiet all around town. Then, that suddenly changed. I guess I should actually make a new entry to tell you just what actually happened.

--- * --- * --- --- * --- * --- --- * --- * ---

It all started when Fluttershy, who was looking very down and out I should add, came by the bakery to ask me for help. She needed assistance with some new woodland critters. She wouldn’t really tell me what kind of critters she wanted help with, or why she had come to me instead of Applejack, who’s got better experience with critters and all things critter-y. The only thing Fluttershy did say was that she needed my cheeriness, as it made her feel better.

Naturally, if anypony comes to Pinkie Pie for anything, Pinkie Pie deliver whatever they need, come rain and snow and freaky parasprite swarms! Actually, parasprites Pinkie Pie can handle easy enough, she just needs to assemble the old one-pony band. The others might prove to be a bit more challenging. Still isn’t something that Pinkie Pie can’t handle! I just used the third person to describe myself, didn’t I? Just who do I think I am? Trixie? Ooohhh, I can’t wait to see what sort of new tricks she comes up with now! I know I’m getting detailed here Diary! You don’t have to yell.

As I was saying, I packed a whole basket of cupcakes for us to eat and then left. Strangely enough, Fluttershy didn’t take me to her cottage as I had expected. Instead, we walked right into the Everfree Forest, which was odd considering Fluttershy’s fear of the woods and Twilight’s warning to stay away from it. I sorta felt like I was breaking some kind of rule by following Fluttershy, but if she was going there, I had to go as well. That’s what friends do after all.

So we walked for a few minutes before coming up to this big camping ground. All over the place where tents raised up and ponies moving left and right doing one thing or another. I was excited at first, because I thought Fluttershy had brought me to a big camping outing. That changed when this big colt in gold armor approached us and asked what we were doing in the Royal Guard Emergency Containment Encampment, or RGECE for short. Fluttershy tried to say something at first, but she chocked up just as she usually did when startled. It took me some two minutes to get her to relax enough to actually speak again, but by then she hadn’t really needed to, because Twi had showed up followed closely by her brother, Shining Armor.

Twi had looked quite surprised to see me, which was a good thing, because I had finally gotten her to be surprised about something. Despite that, she still didn’t say anything to me directly, instead directing all of her attention to Fluttershy. Guess she was still mad at me. Twi’s question was why Fluttershy hadn’t brought Applejack along (the same question I had had asked myself earlier). Fluttershy had meekly replied that she had brought me because she wanted somepony to help her be cheerful, which meant me of course. Twi sighed at our friend’s reply (what a big meanie), but agreed to have me on the camp nonetheless. She indirectly told me not to touch a thing.

She and her brother led Fluttershy and me deeper into the camp. When I saw past the big trees and other foliage, I spotted this absolutely HUGE bubble of lavender energy. It enclosed a clearing full of what I knew from personal experience (don’t ask. It is a VERY long story) were manticores. Shining Armor lit his horn and shot this cool beam of energy at the bubble soon as he was in range. There was this swooshing sound, and the bubble shone bright and grew more solid than before. Once he had taken care of that, he had excused himself. He had looked grumpy, and I wasn’t really sure why. He had all his friends to keep him company after all, no need to be so grump. I’m not so grump after all.

Once her brother had departed, Twi had turned to Fluttershy and pointed to the manticores. On seeing them, Fluttershy had taken a shocked step back. I could understand why she had done that. The manticores looked as if they hadn’t had any fur on them—almost as if they had been shaved and then sunburned on top of that. They had also looked very unhappy...

Twilight told Fluttershy that she needed her expertise to determine just what had happened to the manticores. She also wanted her help feed them. On her request, one of the guards brought Twi a bucket of something that smelled rather bad. The smell was almost like month-old milk cake, or really good cheese—maybe even timberwolf’s breath. Hesitatingly, Fluttershy had looked into the bucket before recoiling away. I had taken a step forward to see just what had caused my friend to react like that. That was when I saw what was actually in the bucket: parasprites, dozens of them. It was odd though, none of them had been moving, but they still had looked up at me with those big cheery eyes of theirs. Only after I noticed Fluttershy crying and being comforted by Twi (badly I might add), did I realize that the parasprites weren’t really...well… they weren’t very lively…

Not wanting to upset Fluttershy any more, I volunteered to do the feeding for her. I reached into the bucket and wrapped my hoof around the first parasprite I could. The poor thing had been all squishy and cold, kinda like week-old dough—except that with week-old dough, one could still at least try and cook something yummy and appetizing (even if the Cakes then ‘secretly’ tossed it away so as to not upset me for the attempt). With the ex-critter in my hoof, I had turned to face the big bubble and tossed him or her in. The parasprite went through without any real problem.

The manticores, soon as they had seen the little critter land with a small thud, perked up and pounced right on top. I stuck out my tongue and somewhat winced as I saw the big fat meanies didn’t eat the little round cutie, so much as play with him or her. Cruelly I might add. Poor little parasprite, I knew you well…

What’s that diary? Of course I didn’t know the parasprite well! Ever heard of being poetic?

At any rate, after the sight of the parasprite and the manticores, Fluttershy couldn’t help but cry. I had walked up to her and wrapped one of my hoofs around her neck. Twi only had sighed again and called her brother over using this neat little spell that made her voice resonate very loudly. Once Shining had been present, Twi told him to escort us out and that calling in Fluttershy had been “a mistake.” On hearing that, Fluttershy had opened her eyes and told Twi that she was sorry for not being any more helpful, and would do everything she could to help from now on. Twi had tried to smile, but seemed unable to. Twi… you’ve become a big, fat meanie yourself...

--- * --- * --- --- * --- * --- --- * --- * ---

Fluttershy eventually stopped crying. She and Twi then spent what had felt like hours just talking about the strange manticores. I really wasn’t paying attention, since I had gotten bored. To stave off sheer boredom, I had taken it upon myself to finish feeding the manticores in order to spare Fluttershy any more grief.

As I tossed the last of the unmoving parasprites to the unruly monsters, I overheard bits of the conversation between my friends. The one thing that had stuck out the most was that the manticores were “potential hazards to the ecosystem and ponykind,” at least according to Twi. None of what she had been saying really made much sense to me though. She just kept talking and talking, and all I kept hearing was “bla, blab bla, biohazard. Bla, bla, bla, outbreak,” all terms that honestly held little meaning to me.

What’s that diary? Of course I knew well what they were talking about—I was just too bored to really care. In all honesty, the words were not really familiar terms to most ponies. Those who liked to read might have heard of them once or twice, but they were still virtually nonexistent in common speech. Still, I already had things figured out as they were. The guards were in the forest to try and keep some bad sickness from spreading any further. The manticores were victims of the sickness, and Twi was doing all she could to try and figure out what was happening to them. She had called Fluttershy in because she had believed she could be of help—considering how good Fluttershy was with animal and all that. Still, that didn’t explain why everypony in the camp looked so mortified and concerned about the situation. Sure, ponies do get worried when sickness is about, but there was more to this than Twi let on. Am I being too overly analytical and paranoid by thinking this? Yes, yes I am.

Fluttershy didn’t seem to have really believed Twi’s words at first. That changed when she was led to another part of the encampment, one that had been out of my sight, but not out of my earshot. I managed to hear Twi talking to Fluttershy about Zecora’s condition before I had heard a sharp yet soft scream and the shuffling of hooves. I had turned around just in time to see Fluttershy galloping out into the clearing, eyes drenched in tears. She had collapsed not long after her gallop, trembling and hyperventilating.

I had stopped feeding of the manticores and turned to look at my two friends. Poor Fluttershy had been barely able to make any sense in her words. Still, through her sobs, I managed to make out a bit of their conversation:

“That—that can’t be Zecora! Wha-what—”

“I know it is horrible Fluttershy, but what you saw is the truth. That... thing... is Zecora. Or, was Zecora...”

“Do you know if... if...”

“Some of my readings do suggest that she’s still partially aware of who she is... or was. Her body’s been so radically altered that it’s impossible to know for sure. Either way, she’s completely contagious now. Anypony who even comes near her without protection risks being infected…”

I had been paying so much attention to the conversation between my two friends that hadn’t even noticed when a manticore snatched the parasprite from my hoof, leaving a very nasty scratch in the process. It didn’t really hurt (even though I yelped and jumped back from the surprise), but it left this very big red mark. It also started pulsating every so often in a way that I had never seen before.

Fluttershy and Twilight rushed to my side soon as I was injured, but both took a massive jump back when they saw the scratch. Various guards quickly grabbed hold of me and tried to drag me away, towards the tent where I believed Zecora had been, but Twi stopped them, fixing them all with the nastiest glare I had ever seen on her, even nastier than the one she had given Discord some three years ago. It was kind of similar to Fluttershy’s ‘stare,’ only instead of being intimidation as Fluttershy’s, it carried an air of dread that made me shiver. Actually, on second recall, the shiver was because of a twitch. It started to go off without control soon after I got scratched.

I could feel the tension in the air, and I didn’t like it one bit. Knowing that unless I did something to dispel it, it would lead to a very bad conclusion, I started to giggle. I told Twi that I was alright, but she still looked completely horrified. She and Fluttershy looked at each other with some sadness as they escorted me back to Sugarcube Corner.

Once I was back in my room, Twi put her hoof on my shoulders and gave me the tightest hug she had ever given me. She then turned to Fluttershy and muttered something about “fixing this” before the two left. I followed them out of Sugarcube with my gaze, still wondering just what had them so upset.

I tried to really rack my brain for some answer, but for some odd reason, I felt very foggy and distant, almost as if I had drank too many mugs of hard apple cider. Actually, as I’m writing this, I’m starting to get very tired and very… uh… I can’t think of a proper word right now—maybe in the morning.


February the 16th
Dear Diary:

At around five o’clock this morning, Applejack and Twilight both had come to Sugarcube to wake me up suddenly. The two had been wearing this strange suit that covered their entire bodies. It kind of looked like a space suit from one of the comic books the Cake Twins loved to read so much. It was neat, but also kind of scary, especially since the bubble covering their heads seemed to be meant to keep something nasty out. Still, I did manage a laugh, because Applejack was still wearing her hat outside the bubble. My giggle didn’t seem to go well with her though.

Uh… strangely enough, I could have sworn I had once known the name of the suit they were wearing, but now it was completely eluding me. Strange…

Speaking of the twins, I hadn’t seen them since I waved them good night last night. I hadn’t seen the Cakes either. I had answered the door myself. Maybe they went out extra early or something? But then why didn’t they ask me to foalsit the twins?

At any rate, Twi had had another of the suits in her saddlebag. She urgently told me to put on, but didn’t really tell me why, only that it was very important that I did. She was really becoming pushy, and I didn’t like it one bit. As soon as I had put on the suit (which had been no easy task, considering how tight it had felt on me), it let out this neat but scary hiss. Then, it tightened some more. A cool sensation had then spread all over my body as one of those neat bubbles of the same purple magic I had seen over the manticores wrapped around my head. Unlike the one I had seen in the camp though, it solidified into a somewhat murky bowl. Soon as the bubble had become solid, Applejack had told me it was Twi’s latest development to keep us all safe from the illness. Twi then had interjected, saying that mine was very special, and that I should never EVER take it off, no matter what. It would keep me safe. Safe from what? I don’t know.

Applejack and Twi let the bubbles on their own suits down. That’s when I noticed their eyes. They were red and moist. Had... had they been crying? Why? It’s a beautiful day outside. The sky’s clear (thanks to Dashie… or was it Ditzy? I forget which of them was in charge of weather now, and which of them was the Wonderbolt. Oh well). Why would they be crying? Did I do something to upset them? Oh no, no, no, no! I can’t have anypony be upset in my watch! I have to do something!!

Before I could ask my friends anything though, they had both turned and left Sugarcube. I raced to my window and looked at my friends. I noted they were keeping their heads low and looking quite miserable.

Please… don’t-don’t cry girls. Please don’t cry. Whatever I did, I can fix it! Girls…

I stepped away, feeling quite lightheaded. I… I couldn’t really remember what I wanted to write. Something about this twitches finally meaning something to me. Oh well, if it was that important, I’m sure I wouldn’t have forgotten it. Better finish this entry before I go to bed.


February the 17th
Dear Diary:

I’ve been wearing this annoying suit since yesterday. I have now been told by Twi that the thing’s actually called a “Hazmat Suit.” I could have sworn I had already known that, but it had really gone out of my mind. Still, knowing what it is doesn’t make it any less annoying to wear. I’ve also found out that no matter what I do, I can’t take it off. Every time I pull on it, it feels as if it’s about to take my coat with it. Did Twi spread glue all over it before she gave it to me? Is this some kind of joke? Have my friends come up with some elaborate prank? If yes, then congratulations gals! You’ve really gotten me good. Can’t believe I fell for it. If no, then I should probably be a bit worried.

Augh... my coat feels musty. The skin under it feels very itchy. I don’t really feel that well either. I’ve gone up to talk to Twi about those manticore-things, but she says they’ve been “neutralized,” whatever that means. Fluttershy, apparently, didn’t take the news too well. She hadn’t come out of her shack since being told by Twi. I still haven’t seen the Cakes. I’ve been to their rooms, and it looks like they packed just about everything they had save the furniture. Did they go on some big vacation without telling me?

Augh, stupid itchy and scratchy coat! Can’t get to it because of this stupid suit!

--- * --- * --- --- * --- * --- --- * --- * ---

I ran into Applejack and Rarity later in the day. They had both seemed upset, and both had been wearing the same suit I did. Theirs looked to be a bit looser though. I asked them why they were so mopey. My question only seemed to get them mopier (Really, this is a word. Not sure if it’s a correct word, but it’s a word). They talked to each other without me hearing, and then perk up a bit. I smiled at that. Happy friends are good friends after all. Before I could celebrate with them, they told me something bad had happened to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They asked me to follow them to the clubhouse. The trip was a quiet one.

When we arrived to the clubhouse, we were greeted by all three of the little fillies. They did it normally enough, but had looked completely different. They had no coat on their bodies (and in Scootaloo’s case, no feathers on her wings), and their skins had looked as if they had received very nasty sunburns. I was reminded of the Manticores. As the three fillies continued playing, I noticed tin cans all over the clubhouse. I looked into one and saw what looked like meat. For some reason, it made me a tad hungry.

As moved to ask Applejack and Rarity what had been going on. They only answered me by saying the three fillies had been “infected.” My question had gotten them upset all over again. I’m sorry! Girls, I’m really, really sorry!

As we left the clubhouse, I noticed Applejack locking the door behind her. The Cutie Mark Crusaders popped their heads out the window and waved us all goodbye, almost as if nothing had been any different. They had looked so cheerful and carefree that I had just wanted to join in on whatever fun they had in store. Just what kind of crazy antics would they get mixed in again? Applejack and Rarity on the other hoof, stared silently at the clubhouse. I was really sad for the rest of the day. Whatever’s happening isn’t fun anymore.

Better write this before I fall sleep again. Gee, the days seem to be getting shorter for some odd reason.


February the 19th
Dear Diary:

I can’t take it anymore! I have to get this darn suit-thing off me!

Okay, so went to see Fluttershy because my back felt swollen and very itchy under the suit. She greeted me with unease at first, but after we talked for a bit, she livened up considerably. I told her about my coat. She then told me she couldn’t help me at all, instead suggesting I go see Twi. As I left her cottage, she put a hoof on my shoulder and offered to accompany me. She said it was the least she could do for a good friend.

I’m so happy you’re happy Fluttershy. I really, really am! Happy friends are good friends, yesiree!

--- * --- * --- --- * --- * --- --- * --- * ---

Twi’s home had looked… different. The shelves had been completely replaced with complex machinery that constantly made some sound or made some odd move. I swear I once knew the names of some of those… uh… thingamajigs? No wait, not thingamajigs, but something else. Uh… I can’t remember. Oh well, it was important, I would recall.

At any rate, there had been tubes full of neat liquids all over the place, all in vastly different colors that shone brightly and made me want to dance and throw a party all over again. Oh wait, I forgot that Twi’s a party pooper now. Twi herself had been in the middle of the giant wonderland of thingamajigs, dictating notes to Spike (who looked very much tired and cranky). Poor lil’ Spike, how can he stand being around such a cranky pony such as Twi?

Fluttershy and I had approached Twi and told her about my skin. Twi had shaken her head and had told Fluttershy that “she knew well that my suit couldn’t come off, no matter what.” She didn’t actually say why though. Before I had a say in the matter, Fluttershy had grabbed hold of Twi’s hoof and begged her to help me. Her eyes swelled up with tears as she desperately begged.

Oh no… no… no, no, no, no. Fluttershy, please don’t cry!

Twi had visibly bit her lower lip at the sight. After a moment of silence, she had agreed to see what she could do. She had then asked that I follow her. She had led me to this neat new room in the library that I believe had once been her kitchen. Once inside, she told me to enter a white-walled room that looked very weird and very empty. As I went in, a strange feeling hit me like a party cannon. My suit started to vanish as if it was liquid, and I started to really feel sleepy. I think I hit the floor snoring, but I can’t remember.

What’s that diary? I got sedated? What does that even mean? Wait… I think I know. Or rather, I knew once. Why can’t I remember? Ah, who cares, it’s not important!

When I had woken-up again, the uneasy feeling on my coat had been gone. My suit had been back on also, but it had felt so much lighter—almost as if it wasn’t even on anymore. The bubble over my head also had looked cleaner. I could now clearly see through it without having to squint that much. I had given a stretch and found myself being left with my mouth open at just how much better my body felt. I had turned to thank Twi for whatever she did for me. She seemed to be thinking about something at first, because she just looked at me with this funny look. Her eyes suddenly swelled up with tears, and she gave me the tightest hug she had ever given me as she continually shouted “It worked! It worked!”

What worked? Uh… yeah, I have no idea what was happening.

Fluttershy put a hoof over my neck and gave me a light nuzzle before fixing Twilight with a grateful gaze. She then moved to Twi, who started to talk to her in a quiet voice. They thought I couldn’t hear them, but I did!

“Twilight, what did you do? Pinkie looks so much… cleaner.”

“I’ve been running several tests on the strain. The virus causes severe physical and mental degeneration to those who are infected. A few individuals seem to be immune to the mental ravages, but they eventually give out. Pinkie is very special though—the virus seems to have little effect on her, though I fear that some damage has already been done. Something must have affected the virus’s development.”

“Was it the suit?”

“At first, I thought it was, but the growths she had on her today proved that wrong. No, there’s something else in her system that has made the virus stop evolving. The same thing’s on the Cutie Mark Crusaders, though their virus is still growing, albeit very slowly.”

“What is it Twilight?”

“That’s the thing, Fluttershy, I don’t know. Yet. Still doesn’t matter though, my research has proven successful. I think I may have a cure for this virus soon. I just have to test it on more infected ponies.”

Twilight had turned to look at me with a wide smile. She thanked me again. Thank me for what? I don’t really know.

Fluttershy led me back to Sugarcube. I was really feeling better, but for some reason, I felt as if I had lost something. Oh, I can’t seem to really recall anything. Why’s my mind so foggy nowadays? No, that’s not it, I just wrote down the conversation I heard (even though I didn’t really understand it). Darn this mind of mind!

Maybe a night’s rest will do me good. I really feel tired for some odd reason. I just need to finish writing thi


February the 25th
Dear Diary:

I don’t know how, but somehow, I slept for five whole days! How do I know? The magic calendar that Twilight gave me as a birthday present last year tells me it’s been five days.

As the grogginess went away, I found some kind of growth on my left hoofsie. It was annoying and actually hurt a lot, so I went to see Fluttershy again. On leaving Sugar Cube corner, I found the town deserted. Many of the houses had been boarded up, and it looked like somepony set up barricades with sandbags and fences all around. When I got to Fluttershy’s, she wasn’t there. Her home looked to have been hastily boarded up. Peeking through a crack in the window showed me a deserted place that looked like big mess.

I went to see Applejack next, and found her boarding up her barn. She wasn’t wearing a suit at all, and looked rather pale. She took one look at me and jumped back in fear, almost as if she had just seen some kind of ghost. She called out my name at first, easing only when I answered. With a shaky hoof, she pointed at me and asked where I had been for the last five days. I told her that I had been sleeping. She looked very much confused at my answer.

I asked her what was going on. Applejack sighed and told me that during my time “sleeping” (she made quotation marks with her hooves) the whole town had gotten evacuated when animals from Fluttershy’s cottage started getting infected. To make matters worse, she told me that the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran away after Twi tried to run some kind of science-y procedure on them. Applejack got all upset, saying that her sister became feral and all nasty after the procedure…

Uh… what exactly does “procedure” mean again?

Oh, that’s right Diary, some kind of operation.

…What does “operation” mean again?

At any rate, after the “operation,” the three fillies went around biting other ponies, who in turn went around biting other ponies. It wasn’t long before guards descended on the town and started getting everypony out.

I asked Applejack about Fluttershy. She told me that Fluttershy disappeared into the forest with Zecora in tow. Applejack sighed and put a hoof on my shoulder. She looked into my eyes and told me to go back home and stay there no matter what. She even made me pinkie swear. Naturally, I agreed. A Pinkie promise is nothing to scoff at after all.

As I walked away, I heard Applejack crying, saying something about everything “being a wild big mess.” I turned around long enough to see her pick up a bucket filled to the brim with slices of…meat? She opened her barn door, and headed inside. I could faintly hear what sounded like grunts and chewing noises. I considered galloping up to her to make her smile, but I recalled my Pinkie Promise.

I felt bad the rest of the day.


February the 26th
Dear Diary:

Even though I don’t feel well at all, I decided to go see Applejack again.

The town’s very different now. It’s almost devoid of ponies. Many of the ones who are still around wear the same “hazmat” suits I do, but they all look miserable. I try to cheer a couple up as I walk, but they just seem so lost in whatever mopiness they have that they just ignore me. The few that do pay attention look at me strangely.

There were many guards out and about, all sporting what looked like glowing sticks that gave out this nifty little crackle of electricity. A few times, I see them hit other ponies with the sticks. There is this crackle and flash of light, and the ponies either yelp and run away, or just stand in place, looking lost.

On my way Applejack’s, I was suddenly stopped by Dashie. She wasn’t wearing a suit, but looked healthier than I’ve ever seen her before. She looked at me with some surprise at first, and then seemed to change to sadness. After I asked, she told me that after the incident with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, the princess had set-up a “quarantine” all around Ponyville and the surrounding areas. I wasn’t really sure what “quarantine” meant, so I asked her. She told me that quarantine was like a really big time-out that prevents something nasty from spreading, though just what kind of nasty she was talking about wasn’t really clear. She kept looking over my suit, though she didn’t really say why.

I gave Dashie a shrug and continued on my way to Applejack’s, but she stopped me again and pushed me in the other direction. She told me that it was VERY important that I stay home and rest. I told her I wanted to see Applejack, but she told me that Applejack was no longer on her farm grounds. Her voice had been both cold and unhappy. I heard her whisper something about AJ not being herself either, but it was so hushed that I could have been wrong. She didn’t say anything else to me after that. She just repeated the same thing from before: stay in Sugar Cube Corner and sleep. Sleep and be safe.

I pout and puff, but I go back home anyway. I feel very alone and very sad. Writing this before I


???
Dear Diary:

I think I’ve been sleeping for longer than I thought. On waking up, I found the entire town looking just like after the parasprite incident about four years ago. Even the sky looked like a big mess. It was utterly overcast, with patches of unfinished cloud cover here and there. The magic calendar only had questions marks where the date should have been. Awww! The magic thingamajig powering it probably ran out or something.

Walking outside, I saw a lot of ponies. Or, at least what I think were supposed to be ponies. I honestly couldn’t tell. Everywhere I turned, I saw ponies with skins that looked to have been really, really badly burnt by the sun, and then covered by something mossy and purple. They also had no coat or mane. Some walked about as if they were lost or something. Others walked more or less normally, but seem to be so depressed and sad that they ignored just about everything around them. A very few seem to walk in groups, conversing in raspy voices. I overhear a few of those ponies talking about “going hunting on the safe heavens.”

I approach one of the ponies and greet her cheerily. She only replied with this strange phrase: “Pon Gud Fe uTinG. Pon Kip Ingelienc. Pon run fo mub o bun wakis.” I gave her a smile and wave and go on my way, not sure what to make of her words.

As I moved through the town, I saw many of the guards from earlier. They were now chewing on something as they looked angrily at me, hissing and whispering something that I couldn’t really make out. All over, I could see some weird purple goo growing on the walls of buildings and on the ground. I tried to pick up a hoof full for a closer look, but soon as I approached it, the goo scuttled away. I followed it and finally managed to grab some. Soon as I did though, it let out this sharp squeal and evaporated away.

As I started to make my to AJ’s barn, the ground started to get mossier and nastier. Something seemed to be crawling just under the purple moss, making this weird sound that kind of sounded like a plunger on a toilet. When I spotted AJ’s barn, I noticed it was no longer boarded up. There were two purple ponies just standing there, almost as if they were statues. One looked to be larger than the other, wearing what kind of reminded me of a wooden neck brace or collar. The other was smaller and feebler-looking, but was missing half of her body. Instead of a flank and hind quarters, she had what kind of looked like some purple-colored mess of twigs that seemed to be pulsating.

On the very front door of the barn, I spotted a cowpony hat, nailed. Underneath it, I could see what looked like hastily-written graffiti. It said: Hoarding Traitors! I had no idea what was happening. Whoever these ponies had been, they probably had been naughty or something. Yet, I couldn’t shake the sense of familiarity. Where had I seen them before?

Oh well. Not important!

I looked in the distance and saw Canterlot. It was completely wrapped in an energy bubble, much like the one I had seen during Shining Armor’s royal wedding. Something told me my friends were there.

Part of me told me that I should stay away. I shouldn’t go there. I shouldn’t go there at all…

Like I’m going to listen to that downer part of myself! I’ll go there. Pay my friends a visit. Won’t they be surprised to see their old pal Pinkie Pie! I know, I’ll bake them a cake! Everypony loves cake!

What’s that Dairy? I’m being surrounded? Oh, yeah, look at that. Some of those ponies are forming a circle around where I stopped to write on you. Wait, are those… spears? Why would they have spears? Uh… guys, you’re getting awfully close with those spears. Hey, what are you

Comments ( 36 )

That was a great read, I really enjoyed it. If you do decide to continue it that would be awesome. I like the fact that you've turned the diary into evidence into what happened at Ponyville, and it's kinda sad that if Pinkie hadn't gone to see AJ she'd have probably been found and safe. I'd love to see where you can take this.

Also noticed one little error:

I’m still going to toss you parties, weather you want me to or not!

Wrong use of whether

Also I'm gonna apologize for not really saying more, I suck at commenting/expressing myself. x|

3141066
Thanks for the head's up. Fixed.

Glad you liked it. Really, Thank you for the comment:pinkiehappy:

It's here. :pinkiecrazy:
Let me see if I can pull a few strings to boost this...

What the... HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK.

This reminds me A LOT of the Resident Evil novels... Just...

Wow. Well done. Well done indeed.

~Skeeter The Lurker

Continue it.

Nao.

It's so beautiful, but it's so sad!:raritycry:

What more can I say that I haven't? This is a very nicely-crafted piece which does subversion oh so well. The way Pinkie is kept so true to herself as the world around her crumbles, all the tools of subtlety played well, the clever plotting... I'm glad I got to read the early version, and this one feels more fleshed out - a nice rounding up of it. This is good work.

Comment posted by 6939871 deleted Nov 25th, 2014

3141816
Well, guess you will want me to continue this then, huh?

3142053
That's two votes for continue. Anyone else want me to keep going?

3142856
Sadness can be a beautiful thing friend. That was the plan all along; create a piece that was sad, but also unsettling. Glad you enjoyed it friend.:pinkiehappy:

3144233
Thanks for the endorsement and mini-review. Always makes my day when I know someone has liked one of my pieces.:fluttercry:

3148037
Thanks for the comment, and yes, this is now three votes for continuing. Just two more, common people, two more!

I’m not so grump after all.

If that was a deliberate Game Grumps reference:
myfacewhen.net/uploads/3923-jontron-success.gif

3151882

Hmmm. While this is solid on it's own... You could indeed do more with it.

Why not make a separate fic? Or if you DO do another chapter, do a similar style with one of the other Mane 6.

~Skeeter The Lurker

3151920
The plan was to have another diary entry, but this one belonging to Twilight. It would be far more scientific in nature, and would go into detail as to what was happening, and why Pinkie was so important. Finally, there would be an entry by Dash taking place in the aftermath of the outbreak. It would finally touch on the fates of Pinkie and AJ, while also furthering the world narration.

That's the plan so far.

That was... unholy.

You did a good job.

3153303
Always nice to get praise from a fellow Eldritch Being. Glad you enjoyed the story.

BTW, who gave this story another freaking thumbs down?! Can you at lest have the decency to explain why you're giving me a thumbs down!?:flutterrage:

Oh my god. I am so glad I gave this a chance. Thumbs up, fav, and follow.

PLEASE continue!

3153486 there are really not enough of us here, are there?

3153653
you know, I only need one more "continue" and I shall. Oh, I shall.:pinkiehappy:

3151996
I'd really like to see you flesh this out more. While the premise is pretty cool (kind of a Last of Us sort of infection, I'm assuming), seeing it from Pinkie's limited perspective means we really didn't get any answers at all. On top of that, while creepy throughout, there was never a real scare.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it. We need more solid horror stories around here; I just wish this one wasn't quite so... bare-boned. It could be so much more if you decide to continue.

3156228
No there are not. Wish there were more of us, maybe then we could rule this place as the prophecies have long foretold. To think that we once ruled it all, only to be stricken low by our own pride. Gives new meaning to the term "behold our work ye mighty and despair."

3165143>>3165141 HAHA! The kind man has asked you to continue! He said it would be awesome if you did! That is another one! You MUST do so now! You have no choice! AHA!

3165689
Heh, can't argue with the masses I guess.:pinkiehappy:

Howdy there, Garnot. B_P from WRITE here, responding to your request for a review. Let’s get right to it. Bear with me through most of this; it’s almost purely me bringing up flaws that I found until I get down to the part where I start concluding things.


Mechanics:

So, if you’re reading this(,) Twi, then I followed your idea as you suggested.

Well, that’s why I should throw her a party(,) silly!

I know what a sickness is(,) Twi!

When one character speaks directly to another in this manner (direct address, it’s called), the name of the character being spoken to has to be offset by commas. Click here for some good examples of direct address. There was also at least one point at which you had sort of the opposite problem, and you had something punctuated like a direct address that really shouldn’t have been:

Just who do I think I am, Trixie?

That comma should really be a question mark. Say it out loud to yourself, and I’m sure the intonation and pause that feels natural will make it clear that something bigger than a comma needs to be there.

There are some other issues with your punctuation; specifically, your usage of semicolons is flawed.

Oh, and it happened after a meteor shower, Can’t forget that; very important.

[…] I’ll fly on one of those neat chariots one of these days; maybe get Dash to give me a lift.

I honestly didn’t know that Vinyl Scratch wore pajamas with little cellos in them; kind of ironic if you ask me.

[…] the strain she was looking into was very dangerous; a type of airborne virus brought down from the cosmos by the meteorite.

That first example also has a comma that I think you meant to have be a period. In all of them, though, you have semicolons that are followed by fragments, when semicolons are only supposed to be used to connect whole independent clauses (i.e. clauses that could stand on their own as valid individual sentences). What you would actually want in these places is an em dash, one of the uses of which is to rapidly cut from one thought to another, fragment or not. Another option is to use commas and work the second clause so that it becomes dependent on the first, though that doesn’t really work in every case.

This next one you only did a few times, but it’s still something to look out for.

Well, that’s why I should throw her a party silly!
Anyway, the reason Twi seems to busy as of late […]

Oh, that’s right Diary, some kind of operation.
… What does “operation” mean again?

These are breaks in paragraphs that you failed to insert a blank line between.

You have some issues in regards to possessives.

[…] made my head spin like a candy canes’ (“cane’s”) color.

[…] eldritch mumbo-jumbo that tends to make pony’s (“ ponies’ ”) lives worst in the end […]

Something must have affected the virus’ (“virus’s”) development.

Click here for some rules about and examples of possessives.

This one’s pretty simple. Your usage of “o’clock” is incorrect.

Earlier today, at ten o’ clock at night, […]

At around five o’ clock this morning, […]

All you have to do is remove the space you put between “o’” and “clock”.

There’s a great many one-off typos on top of it all.

After all, isn’t (“it”) much better to share thoughts with all my friends, […]

Anyway, the reason Twi seems to (“so” or “too”) busy as of late is because […]

You know, that sort of begs the question on (“of”) how she picked up that rock […]

[…] eldritch mumbo-jumbo that tends to make pony’s lives worst (“worse”) in the end […]

That’s when Twi did what she tends to do beast (“best”): […]

Well, point in (“is”) that Twi freaked out!

This is just a small sampling of them. You need to find yourself a good proofreader/editor or two, no question.


Characterization and Style:

There was something that bothered me a good deal about your characterization of Pinkie as I read. Namely, you had her using words and phrases that just felt out of character for her. See the following examples:

[…] especially since she knows well I never really need to keep my thoughts in paper.

So, if you’re reading this Twi, then I followed your idea as you suggested.

Anyway, the reason Twi seems to busy as of late is because she keeps […]

At any rate, Twi has been having a lot of equipment flown down from Canterlot […]

[…] and they’ve always been accompanied by these mean-looking guards.

That’s a very short list for a very widespread issue. It just wasn’t necessary most times, either—you used the phrase “at any rate” to start off sentences more often than you used the more simplistic “anyway”, for example. It really could have helped her characterization if you’d have stuck to a bit simpler of a vocabulary except where necessary.

Speaking of Pinkie’s characterization, I have to say that I was really bothered by how distant everything felt. I know that this is just a diary, but you saw fit to eschew the format and stick in direct dialogue, so I have to think that more emotional involvement can’t have been too much to ask for. No feeling she ever seems to convey in this is more complex than “She was being mean” or “I was sad.” Emotion-conveying actions are limited to mentions of characters crying or screaming, too. Throughout it all, Pinkie seems to have the emotional intelligence of a small child, and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t bother me—yes, she can act childish, but I’ve always felt that she was very emotionally aware. Even if you disagree with me on that front, I still stand by my opinion that her general lack of emotional involvement in everything that was happening really left me more disconnected from the story than I might otherwise have been.

There are points where the wording makes statements sound illogical.

I hope you enjoy what I’m about to write, because I sure had more fun writing this than that time I made a thousand and one cupcakes!

How does she know how much fun she “had” writing something she hasn’t written yet? Like, it’s Pinkie, but still. It was jarring.

Anyway, the reason Twi seems to busy as of late is because she keeps telling everypony that there is this new threat in the Everfree Forest.

Weirdly delivered reasoning. It comes off like you’re saying that she’s busy because she’s been telling everpony about the threat, rather than that dealing with/studying the threat itself is what she’s busy with.

Turns out the danger she’s talking about showed up after the meteor shower I mentioned earlier.

You say this like the time earlier when the meteor shower was mentioned didn’t already cover the fact that the threat appeared right after it.

[…] the parasprites weren’t really...well… they weren’t very lively. It’s hard to say the word, since most ponies don’t really have to deal with that rather grim fact of life for the most part. But, I guess you, dear readers, can put two and two together (hint: they had moved on to the big green fields in the sky).

Excessive telling (i.e. giving me facts about something instead of letting me work them out for myself from evidence), even for first person. You do this specific sort of telling a couple of times, just saying that something is the way it is because that’s how ponies are. If that’s how ponies are, then Pinkie shouldn’t even think to mention it, really—if you were writing a diary of your own, would you feel the need to cut away and say that humans tend to fight a lot of wars, or something? In this particular example, you could have taken out everything after the word “lively”, and I would have picked up in her meaning as well as the fact that she was uncomfortable with the word “dead”, all without having to be told outright. That actually would have been what I would label to be a strong bit of characterization, for its subtlety.

There were points where you got a bit repetitive with your meanings. Like, you’d say something and then say it again a different way.

How danger just ‘shows up’ is beyond me. I don’t really think danger just ‘shows up’ out of the blue.

Fluttershy had meekly replied that she had brought me because she wanted somepony to help her be cheerful, which meant me of course.

In that one, I’m talking specifically about Pinkie essentially saying twice that she was the one who’d been brought.

You got a bit repetitive with words themselves sometimes, as well.

She added—rather harshly I should add—that she […]

He had looked grumpy, and I wasn’t really sure why. He had all his friends to keep him company after all, no need to be so grump. I’m not so grump after all.

In that one… I really feel as though it wasn’t worth the reference. But I just plain hate needless referential humor, personally.

Neat! Now I really want to know what she’s up to.

Awkward emphasis—why is it on “want” instead of “really”? I’m not sure if this is the only instance of this issue, but it’s the only one I noticed.

The last style gripe I have is just a silly one.

I really feel tired for some odd reason. I just need to finish writing thi—

I feel very alone and very sad. Writing this before I—

Why does she write an em dash instead of just stopping?


Plot:

Speaking of Trixie, I wonder how she’s doing now that Twi took her on as an apprentice of sorts.

I’m not sure if this is the only plot point that was brought up and never went anywhere at all, but yeah. Trixie never appeared, so why mention her?

There were a number of plot holes throughout the piece, and I’ll ask you to forgive me for dumping them all on you as I’m about to do: If Twilight had “called” for Fluttershy, how did the guards at the encampment not know what she was doing there? Why did Twilight say she needed Fluttershy’s help to feed the manticores when she clearly didn’t and probably knew it would just upset her? How did Twilight actually know Zecora’s metamorphosed self would be contagious (as it seemed like nobody had actually been infected by her yet)? How did Pinkie get scratched by the manticores when they were all contained in Shining Armor’s barrier? Why did Fluttershy and Twilight take Pinkie back to Sugarcube Corner with no sort of tests or treatment given to her first (and moreover, why did Twilight hug her) after she’d been scratched by manticores that Twilight had already stated to be contagious with this apparently fast-acting and fast-spreading disease? In relation to that last one, I’m forced to assume that the Cakes left after Pinkie had already been brought back, because it’s a tough pill to swallow that they left in that short few hours that she’d been gone. How did the CMC get infected? How is anyone getting infected, if the disease is just being spread by manticores and those they’ve infected already? How did Fluttershy “disappear into the forest with Zecora in tow” if Zecora—who is some mass of hideous hulking flesh in my brain because I was never given a description of her—was already being contained someplace?

Actually, looking back at through the story, that Pinkie-getting-scratched one is an even bigger plot hole than I thought. Look at this:

As I tossed the last of the unmoving parasprites to the unruly monsters, […]

[…]

I had stopped feeding of the manticores and turned to look at my two friends. […]

[…]

I had been paying so much attention to the conversation between my two friends that hadn’t even noticed when a manticore snatched the parasprite from my hoof, […]

This sequence of events makes absolutely no sense.


Conclusion:

To start summing this all up, I’ve got to say that your technical skills aren’t particularly strong. There wasn’t really a point where I was too confused by errors to get your meaning, but I was still distracted by them constantly. Something I want you to keep in mind is that in most places where I provided examples, I haven’t given you every single instance I found, and that you should go through your story again with someone who really knows what they’re doing if you want to catch everything. Failing that, just keep this all in mind the next time you write something. Do get editors for future stuff, though.

As far as the characterization went, I couldn’t say you were particularly strong in that department either. Fluttershy was fine, but rare were the times when Twilight actually felt like all that much like Twilight. Like, I get that she’s taking the whole situation seriously, but I was never really given a tether of familiar and well-liked personality to hold on to during all the times when she was being a jackass. As for Pinkie, I’ll say that (apart from the weirdly wordy vocabulary) her characterization, like Fluttershy’s, was fine. That’s not actually a great thing, though; while it isn’t too important for Fluttershy to come across as strongly characterized, Pinkie is the main character. Points where you had her make references to show events out of the blue (like when she talked about forming a one-pony band to herd parasprites) felt like weak grabs at cheap characterization. On top of that, having her ramble and go off on tangents so much only started to feel annoying after a while, at least to me. You didn’t actually give her all that much in the way of unique actions for me to consider, and that really made it hard to connect her with her show counterpart instead of just seeing her as some dim, talkative voice.

That goes into something of a larger problem: this story was a bit lacking in action. The spread of the infection and Pinkie’s part in it all just seemed to happen. You could have had the manticores break out somehow and attack Pinkie before being subdued. You could have had her really have to deal with the ponies in town reacting to her with disgust and fear because of her status as infected. You could have had tearful goodbyes. You could have had Pinkie’s encroaching memory loss affect her in more ways than just making her forget what she’d wanted to write or what words meant. What it comes down to is that this story was almost all whisper and no bang.

It’s worth saying, though, that apart from all of the weirdness and plot holes in and around the story’s turning point, I actually liked a lot of the plot (especially the later stuff) a good deal. Though I certainly think you could have polished the delivery more, seeing the ways in which Ponyville changes as a result of this outbreak was intriguing. In fact, I daresay you can put me on the list of people who would want you to continue this, if only to see what else this new setting that crops up at the end of the story has to offer. I think it might be better for you to tackle it in a different format, though—third person or true first person—as I don’t think that this piece was actually very successful as a diary, executed in the manner it was. Too much emotion and description was lost, really.

As a final note, I deeply apologize for how overwhelmingly negative this review wound up being. I assure you I didn’t dislike the story as much as it probably seems like I did. I wouldn’t call it great, but it certainly wasn’t a bad read.

Good luck with your future work.

fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/301/e/9/bpadminlogolongver11_01_by_burrakupansa-d6s41nf.png
-- Burraku_Pansa, WRITE's Trainer Admin and Resident Namesmith

3410794
To start, I would like to thank you B_P and the folks at WRITE for getting to this so quickly. I honestly wasn't expecting a review of this magnitude till later in the week, maybe even the weekend. Not that I'm saying it takes your folks that long to actually get to reviews. This is the busy seasons for many.

Now, then, this is the part where I make some kind of excuse and whine about the review...

Heh, I have nothing.

Honestly, I fully agree with your assessment of the piece. Truth be told, I wasn't really giving the finer details of grammar much attention as this piece was written. The for this blatant violation of the written word was due to a self-imposed challenge: a "story every two weeks" challenge. This was done in order to aid me recover my writing flow, which was recently damaged by a rather long absence from any written word. Due to that fact, this story did not see a formal editor of any kind, so the errors you have spotted were expected—even welcomed (though they are still somewhat unsettling to see pop up in my writings. I have gotten rather rusty). I will make a list of the errors brought up by you and will catalog them so they are less likely to appear in the future.

Now, your assessment of the plot has shed new light on an issue I had not fully foreseen at the time this was written. The plot is indeed broken to a degree. It can be remedied thanks to your input, for which I am very grateful. One of the issues that is at play in this story—aside from my rusty nature—is the fact that I tried to keep things too "vague" and "simple." I wanted certain details to be present more in the background rather than the foreground in order to provide readers something they could think about long after the story was finished. That is one of the reasons I picked a diary format, though I am now well aware that such a style is inadequate to really deliver the necessary "pow" the story needs to really be great. You are correct in the belief that the next part of this story is not only in a format other than the diary one (it's true first-person if you are wondering), but also takes place with a new protagonists, one that will allow a greater range of "showing" rather than "telling."

One thing I should mention is that you're the first reviewer who has suggested I use em-dashes rather than semicolons. In fact, I prefer using em-dashes. However, past reviews have bashed me for using them instead of commas or semicolons. That's why you see them in this piece. I will remedy the issue as soon as possible.

This piece has, for the most part, been a success, for it has gotten me writing once more. I will not deny that it needs repairs—which I will be done ASAP. Again, I thank you for your input B_P. I am glad to hear you are among the ones who wish to see the continuation of this story, and that despite the flaws, you still somewhat enjoyed the tale. Again, your review has been cataloged for further study.

-Garnot

3413079
Semicolons and commas just have strict rules about their usage, is the thing; em dashes are far less restrictive. You just have to better familiarize yourself with those rules, as the areas I brought up were all technically invalid (in other places like "Also, they are rocks; they are very heavy." a semicolon is perfectly fine, though).

Also, sad to hear Pinkie won't be the main character of the continuation. I hope the cliffhanger will be resolved, at least—I'm assuming she isn't dead because that would have been a real cop out.

3413153
I hear you well on the semicolons front. Semicolons just can be such a drag at times.

Now, far as Pinkie goes, she's not dead. Her story's not yet over, but the sequel doesn't have her be the protagonist. Rather, we take on a new viewpoint that will allow us to see events play out in a more complete form.

We will see her again. We just may not like what we see.

UPDATE

A small update has been given to the story. A greater update will be applies in the coming weeks. Keep an eye out for that.

Perhaps in can shed light on what transpired here, and what became of the subject.

Perhaps it can shed light on what transpired here, and what became of the subject.

Bleak.

Well done!

Added to the Group.

9393732
I was not expecting this. Thanks. I have been gone from the writing scene here so long, that I had forgotten what joy is.

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