• Member Since 24th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 21st, 2018

Linkinshire


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Comments ( 39 )

That last bit does bring up a good question. How does she know her name??? I feel like this is some sort of foreshadowing...or rearshadowing...

3134406
An interesting thought. We shall see soon enough. :twilightsmile:

I love how well u got applejacks accent down...I love rarijack but no matter how hard I try...I feel like I'm always butchering her accent lol...can't wait to see where we go from here...like and a fave

Well that was definitely sweet, I'll give you that.

However, it was also monotonous and heavy on the monologue. The entire chapter consisted of Applejack's thoughts about the strange mare sitting next to her. Save for the blanket dilemma and Rarity's dialogue near the end. So as far as first chapters go this was pretty humdrum. In my opinion, noting external events would have broken it up. Like a passerby waltzing by and striking up a hushed conversation with her, in which AJ would reveal to him and the readership that she has no idea who the mare is, but at the same time thinks it would be wrong to move and disturb her. It's nothing big, but it states the situation and reveals a bit about her character. Something like that. Of course, you could have also limited her monologue and instead swapped it out for some more interaction with Rarity, slowly yet surely writing out AJ's personality and thoughts that way.

Really, just watch the monologues. They have a place, but you usually want to use more engaging tools -- i.e. most anything else. Also, watch for redundancies in your sentences, like this one:

“I'm terribly sorry for falling asleep on you. That was very improper of me,” She blurts, her face turning the most lovely shade of pink from her embarrassment.

We know she turned a shade of pink, and it's obviously because she's embarrassed. There's no need for that bolded segment, especially when you've already used the more colorful route of displaying her emotions.

Watch for run on sentences, too. A few of those puppies could use some commas. Lastly, I'm surprised the reserved AJ was being so forward. Flirting everywhere!

Comment posted by BunnyAsylum1690 deleted Aug 31st, 2013

I have to agree with ShotgunNeko AJ`s prospective is quite well written :raritywink:

3134459
AJ's accent is one of the many things I love about her so I'm very glad you think I got it right. And thank you for the like and the fav too.

3134765
First off, I really appreciate your in depth look at this. It is very much appreciated. :twilightsmile:

I have to agree in regards to the monologue. Truthfully, I think I was having a little bit too much fun with it. Rest assured though, that it won't be quite so excessive in the future chapters and a lot more will be going on to break it up a little. I'll also see if I can think up something to add to this chapter so it isn't quite so monotonous.

Ah, the redundancies... I fall prey to them far too often. I'll make an edit to that one you mentioned and maybe give this chapter a read through and see if I can slim it down a little.

Commas will forever be the bane of my existence. :twilightsheepish: I'll do my best to sort that out at some point.

And yes, I couldn't help but entertain the thought of AJ gaining a dash of confidence. It was a little too much fun to pass up.

Thank you again for your thoughts!

3134793
Thank you very much. I'm pleased that you think so. :twilightsmile:

That was really unique. I haven't seen a story written quite like this on this site, with such a focus on the character's internal monologue. It's refreshing to find something so different from almost everything else but still so well written. It's not perfect but the flaws were minor and didn't negatively impact my enjoyment in the slightest.

Nice hook for the next part at the end there, how does she know AJ's name?

And as ShotgunNeko said, nice work on AJ's accent, very nicely done. I tend to limit how pronounced i make her accent when i write, but that's because i'm never sure i'm getting it quite right. You, on the other hand, don't need to limit that accent at all, it's perfectly done. Bravo!

I like this story A LOT

3135293
All I can say really is thank you an awful lot for all the kind words and I'm very glad that you've enjoyed it so far. :twilightsmile:
I do love writing in AJ's accent so I'm pleased you think I wrote it well. In fact, I use it so often that I have to watch what I'm typing nowadays so that I don't slip up. :twilightsheepish:
Anyway, I hope that you enjoy the following chapters and thank you again!

3135022 I dunno I thought the monologue was what kind of made it so good...because u did have aj's character down so well...I disagree that adding a passerby to the scene would have made it better...I think why this is so great is that applejack is usually not a mare to be talking about her feelings...so to hear her internal monologue is quite refreshing. ..I like where this is going and I thought it was done very well....who says aj can't be a flirt?

3135498
Thank you for your thoughts. I've definitely got a few things to think about now...
I certainly enjoyed writing AJ's internal monologue so it won't be leaving and more will be popping up in the future. I was only worried that I'd gone too far with it but I did really want it to be like she was just there with her thoughts and nothing around to distract herself with. I'll have to figure out what I want to do but I'm thinking that the format will remain similar to this, just with a little bit more going on. After all, quite a lot of things will be happening soon.
And yeah, my AJ headcanon is that she's only shy up until the point when the pony that's caught her eye starts being friendly and then she can flirt all she likes without shame.
It's very important to me that I get her character right, express it properly and show the parts of her that aren't often demonstrated. If the monologues work in doing that then I'll be sticking with them!

3135647 you are doing a great job! Stick with it! I have a feeling this is going to be one of those awesome underappreciated fics...if this fic continues to impress me as I think it will...I will link to it on my next few story updates ...make sure u add it to the shipping group, the fillyfoolers group and the rarijack group so more ppl can read it :)

GAH!!!
Why must your stories be so good?!?!
It's just not fair!
:raritydespair:
But I do love me some Rarijack.
:duck::ajsmug:

3136004
Linking it on your stories would certainly be very much appreciated and very kind of you, I'll do my best to make this good. :twilightsmile:
And I'll be sure to add it to those groups you suggested too.

3137355
:twilightblush: But Scatman, you're way better at this writing shindig than me!
Nonetheless, thank you for the compliment. :pinkiehappy:

sounds like a good Rarijack story to be :ajsmug:
Must keep watch of that:twilightsmile:

Well. Not bad. Not bad at all. Good enough to track. I'll be waiting for more.

Craine...

Another Rarijack fiction :raritystarry:
I'm proud of you :ajsmug: Cute and heart warming, I can barely wait for the next bit :pinkiesmile:

3137756
Thank you very much and I hope you enjoy the future chapters. :twilightsmile:

3137992
I'm very pleased that you think so. More will be coming soon. :twilightsmile:

3138061
Yeah, I know... I just can't help myself when it comes to these two; :ajsmug: :duck:
I'm glad you like it so far and I hope you enjoy the future chapters. :pinkiehappy:

It is very hard to click on the first chapter :twilightblush:
Good story!:yay:

3142200
The challenge is part of the fun! :pinkiehappy:
And thank you!

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