• Member Since 14th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 26th, 2014

Evilspace100


Just a brony, typical, normal Brony

Comments ( 12 )

emmm is this your first story or am i bad at the feeling in equestria hmm i would more be little mad ... well if dident know of mlp then i would feel scared angry and sad so my options in equestria hmm emmm .... i would go to libarery and do some research i thinck well my brain hurts so ill end my comment here


Byeee :twilightsmile:

Well, yeah, it's my first story. And did you saw that moment when he said that he had the feeling that he heard of Eqestria before? That would made him feel a little...how can I say this..."comfortable". Okay maybe that's not the best word to describe it, but anyway thanks for your opinion.

SHITTY SALSA SAUCE SAUSAGE

3128904:rainbowhuh: What? Whatever. If you didn't like it, well, too bad. I'm trying my best, but nothing is perfect.

GMP

Well I hate to say it but this story is not so good. The biggest problem was that it progresses way to quickly, like it was basically a drive by story. No character, no atmosphere, no anything. Just this guy did this, this, this and this and this pony did this, this and this. I had no connection to the main character or to the story and the chapters were incredibly short so I could not enjoy it that well (its recommended to do at least 3000 to 10000 word chapter). I highly suggest a rewrite and review on what you can improve, have a friend go over your work and gets some writing tips from forums or guides. I have a blog I made to help writers get a bit better, its not perfect but its better than nothing. Important to all writers!

Well I hate to say it but this story is kind of bad (better then I could ever do), but since it is your first story and all I will make a list of things I see need improvement.
Pacing: The story is going way too fast. You should slow it down, give the guy more character, give the story an atmosphere. Right now it is just "He did this then he went to that and this happened!".

Grammar: The grammar wasn't bad except for a few cases. Example: "He standed up" the correct term would be "stood".

Reaction: I would imagine that the ponies would react terribly too him, and Twilight wouldn't just suddenly act this way around him. Also, your character doesn't seem to be that surprised about ending up in some land filled with talking ponies.

Length: The chapters are shorter then they could be. Stories I have read have at least two thousand word chapters.

Character: Your character isn't fleshed out, I can't connect to him. Heck I have forgotten his name three times now.

Well, that is really all the help I can give.

Except a tip: If someone makes a hate comment don't let it get you down. I think you can be a great writer once you get the hang of it! I would be happy to see more stories from you in the future, I am positive that you can improve.


3128904 Nice constructive criticism. You really showed him how he could improve as a writer! (sarcasm)

To be honest, it's not perfect, but a great start in my opinion for your first one. :twilightsheepish:

Well, thank you all for all the tips. I will rewrite all the chapters. Also thanks for all your comments.

like any good story it starts with death well not always the case it just turns out that way but did not expect him being strapped to a table and interrogated by 6 angry mares celestia would not approve you sir know how to keep my attention even through my ADHD and all i can say is keep up the good work

3133967when i saw this a couple days ago I began reading the first chapter then I forgot about it and I was like weren't there more chapters

IF that whas me on the table i would have gone beserk. P.s i dont like twillight she is nerd.





LUNA AND CELESTIA ARE BEST PONYs but MORE luna:twilightsmile:.

The story progression needs some work , apparently there are humans already in equestria, how our main character got there cliche (flash of light ) and AJ can't see if someone is being honest...:ajsleepy: I don't know where's going but hope it smooths out some
Eh give it a 6.5 outta 10

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