Then You Saw Her

by Possiblydominator

Chapter 1: New Life

This is the story of a young pegasus stallion, or more importantly, you. Take the time to imprint yourself on this character and make the character in your own image.

Moving day... The day that you leave your life time home of Cloudsdale to a small town neighboring Canterlot. You sigh; this was not your decision. If it were up to you, you never would leave your ancestral home. But now, for your little brother’s sake, you must.

As you help the movers load the last of the luggage into the carriage, you look for your little brother inside the house. You find him snuggled up inside a blanket that your mother made for him when he was still a newborn, the one thing that reminded him of her. A simple red and white blanket with her pet name for your little brother stitched in, “Little Wingsley.” You chuckle, having always entertained the thought that he looked like a candy cane, all curled up laying on the floor. Your mother passed-on when he was just starting flight school. Since then, he has attributed flying with almost certain death. Not long after her passing, your father ran off. You still keep in contact, but each time you see him you can’t help but notice the growing hollowness in his heart.

Watching over Wingsley leaves you feeling at peace, while you wish you could continue, but time is not your ally today. You doubt the movers will wait for much longer.

You nudge him from his slumber, “Hey sleepy-head, It’s time to go.”

“Hmm...” he sighs, still heavy with sleep as he begins to stretch out. “Already?”

Time indeed, to leave your entire life, your job, your friends and everything you hold dear. You quickly banish the thought. You are leaving for the sake of your brother who you love more than anything. “Yes,” you say, exhaling. “Grab your blanket; you can sleep in the carriage.”

Carrying your little brother on your back, you leave the house, and lock the door for the last time. The end of an era. Mounting the carriage, you turn your gaze back to your home, letting old memories flow back. The pegasi leading the carriage gave a snort and began to gallop before taking off from the cloud city. You watch the house until it becomes a speck in the distance...

__________________________________________________________________________

You find yourself dozing off during the ride to Ponyville, but once again sleep’s embrace has eluded you. You sigh; at least your brother doesn’t seem to have trouble with sleep. It’d probably be fair to say that he sleeps way too much. Waking a dragon would be easier than getting him up... actually, he might be part dragon- he sure snores like one! You laugh at your own little joke as you look out at the scenery and view the world beneath you. Canterlot’s shining rooftops reveal themselves ahead, alerting you to the approaching close of your journey.

You feel the shift in your stomach and realize that you are descending. A sense of excitement washes over you as you begin to imagine your new life. Whether it will be good or bad, I better start to get used to the idea.

The carriage shakes as you start to land, the turbulence wakes your little brother. He awakens groggy eyed, but surprisingly intent. You feel him start to get more excited as you begin to enter your new lives.

After what seemed like a eternity, the carriage finally stopped and you became free to move around outside. You step outside to stretch your legs and wings and embrace the fresh air. Its so... different from Cloudsdale. Where the air in Cloudsdale was thin because of the altitude, the air here... so close to nature is... you struggle to find something appropriate to describe it, eventually you settle for, “indescribable.”

You enter the town and begin to take in your surroundings. Celestia’s sun was just breaching the horizon, illuminating your approach into town. The town was quiet this early in the morning, as far as you could tell no-pony would be awake this early; that was fine with you, all you wanted to do was move your luggage into your rental that you have made the arrangements for a month ago. As far as you could tell, the room was open and waiting for you to arrive.

You make your way through the town using a map that you were given to help find your new place of residence. As you weave through the buildings you realize that you and your brother has been awfully quiet.

You turn to him, “So, what do ya' think of our new home?” you ask with interest.

“It so different from Cloudsdale... I mean ground, actual ground,” he says incredulously, as you see him hop in place as if he is testing the solidity of the earth. “I’ve never felt anything quite like it...”

You laugh, you forgot that this is his first time on the ground, he has lived in Cloudsdale his entire life and only knows his former cloud home. Upon reflection, you think that “lived” isn’t the correct term as he has never felt safe high up in the clouds. A pegasus afraid of heights, who would have thought....

“Well if my map is correct, this should be the house,” you gesture to the building directly in front of you. “Shall we?” you say with a smirk.

“YES!” Wingsley exclaimed as you approached the house. “Its amazing! We are going to have so much fun here! Just you and me, together forever!” At this point he rushes you and wraps you in the largest embrace that he can muster. “I love you so much big brother,” he says with a sigh as he continues to hug you.

You can’t help but smile at this statement, that all of this was worth it in the end; the moving, the hassle, the fresh start, this was a good place that you would be able to call home. But first you need rest, you both would explore the town later in the afternoon. At this point all you can think about was sleep.

You unlock the door to the house and walk in to the entryway, it is obvious that nopony lived here in a while. But that does not matter to you right now, you just wanted to find the bed. After a few minutes of searching you found the bedroom, excused yourself, and retired for a few hours.

______________________________________________________________________

You awaken still sleepy but rested, you pick yourself up and stretch your wings getting a satisfying pop out of them. Now is as good a time as any to explore your new home. You leave your room to search for Wingsley, you find him curled up on the couch, completely unconscious.

“Hey, rise-and-shine sleepyhead, we have a full day ahead of us, and we're already up to a late start,” it was true, you were up to a late start, as far as you could tell it was at least a couple of hours after noon.

After rousing your brother for what seemed like another half hour, you finally make it out the door. You lock the door firmly behind you and take a moment to observe your new house in warmth of Celestia’s sun. It was so inviting, you let out a small sigh and give a grin at your new home. Well so far so good, lets see where this takes us...

“Come on! We have to see the WHOLE town!” Wingsley says with an unbound excitement that is uncharacteristic of him.

“FINE...” you call to him with mock boredom, “I’m coming...”

______________________________________________________________________

After what seemed like a few hours of meeting new ponies and introducing yourselves, you realize how exhausting of an ordeal this was. Sweet Celestia, how many more ponies are there? True, they might be some of the friendliest ponies that I've ever met, but I really can’t take much more of this....

As if on cue, a bright pink pony bounds up to you with a smile so intense it leaves you unnerved....

_____________________________________________________________________

Comments

[adrenalinrush]

dis is sooo touching hes such a good big bro

[Burritoburger]

Dude.
Just, dude.
Are you a famous author? This is incredible.
Tracked.
SPLENDID!

[AimBot]

This is good man. POV stories aren't easy to come by here. On the inside, I'm all like , but on the outside, I'm all like (bad poker face)

[Gmode]

Okay, so I'm walking 'round town and comes bouncing up to me. At this point, I'm all like and then she's all like . She's all like "BLAHBLAHBLAH, BE MY FRIEND, BLAHBLAHBLAH, WELCOME WAGON!" and I'm just sitting there like at this point. Then she insults my favorite movie and I'm all like "YEAH WHATEVA!"

[Dr Hammer]

Fabulous.

i.imgur.com/WCL6C.gif

[NoponyNoir]

"it is obvious that nopony had lived there in a while." You're right I did live there once, it was quite like that of what one may describe as living in a home. However it did lack a nuclear fallout bunker if I remember correctly. I guess no house is perfect though, hmmmm......

[FlutterStar]

GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!
and she runs off, i havent read chapter 2 yet so im guessing

[A rather strange story reader.]

>>DTKingPrime That picture is funny as shit. A normal bronys reaction to ponys coming out of screens.

[jd896]

You write that the father has run off, yet the protagonist still keeps in contact with them? I've really never heard of such a thing. Typically, running off means you don't see someone again. Ever. Perhaps my definition of "running off" is a bit strict however.

Grammar is a bit off too. Incorrect use of the word "had" and incorrect uses of periods as well. I'm just curious, but do you have a pre-reader to look over what you've wrote/typed? It may help to have one.

Relatively easy things to fix however! I somewhat like the concept so far and would like to see where you take this. Press on!

[Nater-Grey]

258177 MAJOR! Lol there! Dudes like WTF!?

Good Story so far, and looks to have great potential.

[Enmar]

D'awwww

[Discorded Q]

*Overuse of Twilight Emotes go!*

[...eventually you settle for the contradictory word, “indescribable.”]

Don't use contradictory; use appropriate here ... Contradictory states the opposite to what was said before, the contrast.

That being said, anyone schooled in the English arts would know that either, he found all the words he could to describe the air (You continue to use: "settle for the contradictory word")... or the air is indescribable (If you were to use: settle for the "appropriate word"). If you keep it as it is, you'll confuse the heck out of (higher English taught) readers.

No, not an English teacher , but a higher English student reiterating what his teacher would say. (No, not a theater student either, but rather that of film.)

Quillo out... (<- Oh no! What is flootershai doing here?)

[APimpNamedSlickback]

263659 she climbin in yo windows snatchin you fiction up so hide ya wife hide yo kid and hide yo husband cause it came outta yo laptop (sung to theme of bed intruder song on youtube)

[Possiblydominator]

Just doin some clean-up, no huge update, just FYI

[Rhino]

you tease you

[BobtheLurker]

So close.

[FeatherFoot]

258177

Funny, I found that exact picture earlier today.

Anyway...very good story. I can't wait to see where this goes.

[Death Scyth]

Awesome story coming along great

[TimeWarp]

Great start. I don't read any 'you in equestria' type stories, but this one has potentional. Tracking and good job!

[PleaseRemoveMe]

263659 You seem to brag about that you are 'schooled in higher English' as if it makes you any better.

[NightBeat]

hmm this is pretty interesting i shall continue

[Twisted but true]

I'm not sure how to put this but... . Did you understand that?

[Possiblydominator]

803063 Let's see... *slightly pissed on using the name Ditzy*, *interesting*, *really?*, and I have no fuckin clue on the last... So Im guessing you didnt like it.

[Twisted but true]

Well it's not that it's bad. In fact it's very good and I do like it but it just doesn't ... Feel right. Does that make sense? And the last one means hmmmmm. Oh I know it's like even though you made a clear backstory for him he feels more like a puppet that you control rather than a being that exists inside the story merely reacting to what's happening to or around him....thats just what I think though.

[peep]

*inside Pinkie's head* NEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONYNEWPONY!!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing story.

[stotans]

First of all, bravo on the use of Second Person POV. It is an often difficult techniquemto work with, but you seem to make it work. Just started on the first chapter. Eagerly continuing to the next chapter.

P.S I was a sucker for your story picture. I know you're not suppose to judge a book by it's cover, but it currently challenges that rule.

P.S.S A pegasus that is afraid of heights.
First thought: Fluttershy.

P.S.S.S Derp!

[A Chiller State of Mind]

258177 Hahahahahahahahahaha!

[A Chiller State of Mind]

Best freaking cover pic EVER!!! Bravo good sir

[Static Shock]

"passed-on" Why is that hyphenated?

"Hey sleepy-head, It’s time to go." Later on in the story, you DON'T hyphenate "sleepyhead". Also, why is "It's" capitalized?

"The carriage shakes as you start to land, the turbulence wakes your little brother." Comma splice.

"a eternity" Really? Really?

"Its so... different" Again, really?

"you struggle to find something appropriate to describe it, eventually you settle for, “indescribable.”" Another comma splice.

"It so different from" *sigh*.

"who would have thought...." I can see why you'd make this mistake, but I'm pretty sure the ellipsis should be three periods, no exceptions.

"Its amazing" Just no.

"At this point all you can think about was sleep." Switching tenses halfway, nice.

"walk in to the entryway" Either you walk INTO an entryway, or you walk THROUGH one.

"You awaken still sleepy but rested, you pick yourself up and stretch your wings getting a satisfying pop out of them." Comma splice.

"You leave your room to search for Wingsley, you find him curled up on the couch, completely unconscious." Another comma splice.

"...to observe your new house in warmth of Celestia’s sun." In THE warmth...

"...intense it leaves you unnerved...." Another four-period ellipsis.

I realize that this chapter is old as hell, but that's no excuse to leave it like this. I hope this helps.

[XFalkagaX]

40,000+ words...Hmmmm.

See you in an Hour and a Half 1:30

[Colbalt White]

hmm i just discovered this fic today (im not going to lie it was the adorable picture of derpy that brought me here) and i looked at the amount of chapters that have been made and im thinking 'where the hell have i been when this story came out'

[shadows enforcer]

258177i think anyone would react like that......

[CometandAqua]

Let's see, I like it, but of course I'm having to gender swap both me and Wingsley. XP

That's what I get for being a Pegasister.

[Account_Deleted]

I take it this is second person point of view?

[The Slending Angel]

3220534 No, it's SEVENTH person...

[ThePinkDerpFace]

What sold me was the picture. I'm a sucker for cute Ditzy pictures.

[midnight sorrow]

I'm confused are they in canterlot or ponyville.

[Icy Creation]

This is the story of a young pegasus stallion, or more importantly, you. Take the time to imprint yourself on this character and make the character in your own image.

Okay.
*Thinks of Ian, in all of his augmented, human, mature glory*