The verdict is in! You're gay!
Shining Armor fumed as he trotted back and forth in his office. Captain of the guard, vanquisher of changelings, and married to the hottest goddess in all of Equestria, and yet he’s never had to face a challenge like this before. Today was supposed to be his day off, but stress and indignation prevented him from the relaxation his wife had begged him to enjoy. It didn’t help she was only communicating through letters though, having business to attend to with the Griffin Kingdom emissaries.
Shining Armor was a stud by unicorn standards, but even he suffered dry spells from time to time; sex too. Sex was on his brain. Then again, he was a stallion, therefore sex was always on his brain. However, today it was worse than usual. Three weeks without sex to Shining Armor was almost as bad as his sister living in Ponyville and not even mentioning him until he was engaged. He remembered that mare, Applejack; he wouldn’t have minded a quick fling before meeting his fiance. Damn those flanks were fine!
Shining Armor lifted a hoof and gingerly closed his drooling mouth. He was married! He couldn’t even look at another mare without the goddess of love finding out! Except his sister of course. Though she didn’t count. She did have nice flanks though. Shining shook the image out of his head. Damn Twilight and her highly detailed cutie mark!
Shining smacked his head on the desk, sighing deeply. He resolved to never forget another date with Cadence and go paintballing with his friends ever again. The last time he did that, Cadence had been flirting with him to frighteningly levels. Lesson learned: never ignore a mare in estrus. He would never look at a couch the same way again.
But returning to the matter at hoof, he had a challenge to stand up to. A journey so fraught with danger nopony except for him could handle it. An impossible quest destined for greatness or tragedy. He could very well die on this excursion, but that was a risk he was willing to take. For the sake of sanity itself.
He picked himself up and trotted to the door, opening it with his pink magic. The guards guarding the captain of the guard while in the guardian study room dedicated to the guarding of the castle saluted as they continued guarding the vacant room. Shining glanced at them, but didn’t recognize the stallion he was looking for.
He was looking for a very specific stallion. The one stallion behind all his stress and worry. All his terror and sorrow. Well, besides the sexual frustration. HIS sexual frustration, at least.
He really needed something to take that out on. At least he’d get that out of this possibly deadly venture. One thing’s for sure: once he finds that stallion, he’s gonna have to go to tartarus for some rest and relaxation.
As the castle guards watched their ever calm captain trot down the hall of the ever tranquil capital, they learned what it meant to be truly afraid. Miasmic waves of emotions pooled out of Shining’s composure; wavelengths of anger, stress, and frustration seethed from the powerful stallion as he passed by. One of the pegasus guard’s wings popped out as Shining passed by.
Shining cantered through the halls of Canterlot Castle looking at each guard in turn, trying to pick out the source of his troubles, but came up empty each time. If he was to find this stallion he would have to dig deeper into his sagging bag of tricks. Throwing discretion to the wind, Shining screamed the name of his frustrations.
“FLASH SENTRY!!!”
No answer. He screamed it again.
“FLASH SENTRY!!!”
And again
“FLASH SENTRY!!!”
And one more time for good luck.
“FLASH SE- Oh hey Steel Heart. Keep up the good work! -NTRY!!!”
After ten more bellows of the name Flash Sentry, and a couple reminders for the guards to stop sleeping with their eyes open, Shining found his quarry… smoking poison joke inside the armory.
“SOLDIER WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?” Shining practically screamed.
“Woah dude, chill your teats. You’re harshing my mellow,” Flash slurred out in response, “I’m on break anyways. You can’t do anything about it for another fifteen minutes,”
Shining grimaced. His thoughts churned for a moment before a cruel smile crept onto his face. He had been planning this for weeks; he was prepared. “You’re right, I can’t do anything about it as your boss. Fine. You’re right about that,”
Flash gained an extremely smug look on his muzzle...
“You’re fired.”
...which was quickly dismissed to make room for a look of panic.
“What?!” Flash screamed in shock, dropping his bong. Shining lifted it with his magic and took a puff of his own. Damn, that was some joke.
“Yes indeed. You’re fired, making you a normal citizen of the Crystal Empire. Which means I can now order you to follow me as your prince and ruler. Or would you rather explore the dungeon instead?”
“N-no sir,” Flash stuttered, his ‘mellow’ now completely out the window.
“Then follow, pleneighan” Shining said, barely suppressing his rage at the individual before him.
“Y-yes s-sir,” Flash once again stuttered, still scared shitless. Together they left the armory as prince and civilian.
And so they walked.
And they walked
And walked a little more, stopping only for Shining to pick up a shiny bit.
And kept walking until they were all the way at train station: the edge of the Empire.
“So Flash,” Shining took a pause to pull the bong out of his armor and and take a puff, “Why don’t you tell me why you’re still here in the Empire, and not off somewhere on some grand adventure, or galavanting around with a pretty mare.”
Flash shuffled nervously, “Well sir, I’m still here because this is my home. This is where I belong. It’s the place I was planning on protecting for as long as I lived. Until you fired me that is.” He mumbled that last bit.
Shining tumbled the ex-guard’s words around in his head for a moment before saying, “But why would you care about this place when you could be rubbin’ up next to some hot piece of plot, way down in the south where it’s nice and warm.”
“Well to be honest, I hate any temperature over sixty-eight point five degrees Fahrenheit and I’m not really looking for a relationship right now. The only thing I truly loved was my job. Until you stole it, that is,” He stated as passionately as somepony high on joke could (besides the last bit of course).
“Well son, let me be the first to tell you: That’s sad. You could at least stare at a couple mare’s plots when you think I’m not looking. All the other guards do, so why don’t you?!” He asked raising his voice a little more than was necessary.
“Sir-er I mean Shining what brought this on? You’ve never brought this up before?”
“Well Flash, let’s just say some of your preferences have caused me a lot of trouble as of late,” Shining took another puff to try and sooth his fraying nerves.
“And what preferences would those be?”
“Well for one you’re gay-” Shining started before being interrupted by Flashes yelling.
“GAY!? That’s what’s you think of me?! You think I’m bucking gay?! That’s what you dragged me all the way out here for?! You mother bucking dumbass!!”
“I’m gonna stop you right there, civilian. For one, that is no way to address your ruler and second, you’re as straight as a mountain road and you know it,” Shining said with a snort of amusement at his own joke.
“But I’m not gay! Wait, what?” Flash stopped, confused. His wings were fluttering in anger.
Shining sighed. “Do you remember when Princess Twilight visited a couple months ago? You know, the lavender alicorn princess?”
Flash rubbed his chin with his hoof. “Hm… oh yeah. The mare that ran into me, right? Twilight Sparkle.” He distinctly remember helping her up as she… blushed? Oh yeah. Mares tend to do that when they have physical contact with members of the opposite sex. “This isn’t about her, is it?”
“Actually, yes. You’ve been ignoring that fine piece of flank, my little pony.” At those last few words, Flash could’ve sworn he saw Shining lick his lips.
“So?” Flash shrugged. He wasn’t the type of stallion to pay attention to mares. He had better things to do, like nap on clouds and play his Xbox-pone. Shining patted him on the shoulder, harshly. Flash winced in pain.
“My sister has sent you a total of forty cards, three boxes of chocolate, and ten romance novels. Everypony knows about my sister’s love for books, and you still didn’t get a hint?” It was true, Princess Celestia once stated that if libraries had marriage rights, Twilight Sparkle would have her own harem.
“So what? Yeah, sure, it was nice. Chocolate was delicious, plus those books were actually good,” Flash commented as he thought about the latest novel he read. It was a nice read, a love story between a vampony and an ordinary mare. “Especially that Sunset novel.”
“What?!” Shining screamed in shock, his eyes threatening to pop out of thier sockets. “You liked that piece of trash? You really are gay!”
Flash jumped back and stretched his wings to make himself look bigger compared to the large stallion. “I’ll say it one more time. I’M! NOT! BUCKING! GAY!” Flash yelled, punctuating each word with the stomp of his hoof
Shining took a breath. “Forgive me, I theorized you were gay the entire time. This only confirms it. Seriously though, Sunset? Everypony knows Brokeflank Mountain had a better movie.”
Flash shrugged. “Well, true. But-”
Shining jumped at his chance. “See? You are gay!” Shining poked Flash’s chest with his hoof twice as the pegasus froze, his mouth open to reply. Flash close his mouth, the gears turning in his head, and opened it again. Still, nothing came out. Shining tried to help the poor pegasus, now feeling pity rather than anger.
“...” Flash was staring into space.
“Flash, tell me,” Shining ordered as he waved a hoof in front of Flash’s face. The ex-guard shook his head, coming back to the land of the living. “Have you ever been to a strip club?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been to a hoofball game, even one at home?”
“No…” Flash stared at the ground, embarrassed.
“Have ever had a hooficure?”
“Yes!” Flash’s spirit returned as he dared to face his prince again. Joke muddling his mind, hope filled his chest. Perhaps he wouldn’t fail this test of character!
“What did you think of Hoity Toity’s latest line of clothing?”
“Well I thought he could’ve done better on the frills of the pegasus set, but the normal set perfectly accentuated the base provided the customer has toned flanks.” Immediately after the words left his mouth, Flash felt an epiphany on the grave of his strait life. He held his face in his hooves as he began sobbing.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be okay…” Shining reassured patting the pegasus’ back in sympathy, suddenly feeling like he had done something very wrong. Flash reared his head back to the heavens and screamed at the injustice of life.
“No it won’t be okay! First I get fired while on break, then my prince threatens to throw me in jail, and now I find out I’m gay!” Flash continued to cry.
“Yes, it will. I promise,” Shining whispered as he hugged Flash tighter.
“W-what?” Flash sniffed.
“You heard me. So Flash, did you enjoy being part of the guard?” Flash took a deep breath to calm down before answering.
“Well, yeah. Good job security, excellent dental health program, and all I have to do is walk around and pretend to be intimidating.” Flash gave a weak grin, faking optimism.
“Good answer. Well Flash, I have a proposal for you. Well, more of an order. Say no, and it’s to the streets for you! Say yes, and you can get your job back!”
“Um, I think I’ll go with yes.” Flash said while poking the ground with a hoof.
“Perfect. Oh, here comes our ride now. We’re going on a little trip!” Shining turned his head to the descending carriage pulled by his personal guard.
“Where are we going?” Flash asked as the two stepped inside the carriage.
“Oh, just some place where a few friends can help you out. Say, Flash, I hear Ponyville is pretty nice this time of year.”
Flash groaned, the image of a certain alicorn penetrating his thoughts.
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BEST. STORY. EVER
If the plot twist isn't that Flash is actually straight and just really in tune with his feminine side then there better be some DAMN GOOD HOMO SHIPPING
*prays for the homo shipping*
Is this purposefully redundant?
Seriously, though...interesting start, but please get an editor. There were a ton of mistakes here that could easily be corrected.
*whispers* You're supposed to be gay for braeburn not Big Mac
I didn't know anyone was gay for Big Mac. LOL.
I'm straight, and most certainly not gay for Big Macintosh. I'm gay for Braeburn.
To respond to your question at the end: Females.
To respond to the totality of this first chapter: BUCK YEAH!
Well that was awkward.
3130090 There are more mare/mare fics then stallion/stallion though.
Women.
Good God... I laughed so hard I cracked a rib. Dude, all of my greenthumb! And yes, I am gay for Big Mac.
I'm gay. Flash is hot.
I'm gay and your selection of 'Homo Activities' is slightly offensive to me. But I'll give the benefit of the doubt and assume you just selected awful stereotypes.