Arcing Breeze is a Pony like few others, with a past he keeps mostly hidden and a family he's hiding from he takes up a place in Ponyville with some very familiar mares. The only question is, will his past bite him in the flank, or guide his eyes?
I'm not new to writing fanfictions, but I am new to writing FimFictions, I am a closet brony for sure and I'm confident that soon all you bronies and pegasisters will soon know my favorites. I appreciate all feedback, especially if it points out an error I made relating to the cannon of FiM. All I ask is that you explain where I went wrong so I can fix it if I'm able to.
Chapters (4)
The story so far is meh.
The story is descriptive enough to allow the reader to picture what happen, wich is very good.
But the pacing is really off and the various characters appears off too. When you write characters you need to give them real reason to act or be here.
Take the scene with AJ in the train, what AJ doing in a train in the middle of the night ? She have NO reasons at all to be on this train in the night instead of being in her farm sleeping.
And in the same scene, the MC board the train in the middle of the night, discute a few minutes with AJ and then the train is already in Ponyville ? NO ! The trip Canterlot/Ponyville take a whole night, not a few minutes.
As for RD, there is no way the MC can keep up with her ( it's her special talent goddamit ! ) and that she's not upset by a tie or outright argue that she won the race.
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hmm okay i get what your saying there FicusCat, and as for the point of how Arcing Breeze was able to keep up with and TIE with Rainbow Dash was going to be explained later on when I start to hit cannon. As for the flow of time I'll admit that it was off especially during the train ride, and I also get that the characters personalities like Rainbow Dash now being mad or at least arguing over the tie is off. I was hoping to play off of her loyalty aspects as she did make an honest agreement and even a hard core athlete has to admit that a tie is not technically a loss and therefore he did earn his room.
as for the point of AJ being on the train, well there isn't exactly a reason for her to take the night train other than maybe she wanted to get home that same day, but there was reason for her to be the farm, she did say she was in Canterlot to do buisness for the farm. Other than those I agree and I will work harder to make it accurate.
Thank you for your points I hope to hear more of the (brutally) honest opinions. I think Applejack would be proud.