• Member Since 15th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 19th, 2016

Evening Storm


T

Rising Dawn is a pegasus mare living in Ponyville. She has entered the Everfree Forest to gather medicinal supplies. As she leaves she encounters an unknown pony. When it attacks she finds herself trapped in its snare. Will she be able to escape this demon or will she become a victim?


WARNING: unedited works. It is how I like to write. I did my best to make it work. I hope you all like it.

I hope you all like it. Please leave a comment stating your thoughts.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 20 )

I like it keep going .

It's a job done well

3155288 thank you greatly sir/madam. its something i am really proud of. i have started chapter two today in fact. thank you for enjoying. i hope you stick with me

Normally, I would review and analyze this but I don't think it will matter in the slightest.
:ajsleepy:

3158122 you would be correct

3160317 Welp, I'll review it when I have some down time.

Hey love, I must say for not editing this is very good if I do say so. Although it is just a bit rushed, it's still quite readable and I certainly will be awaiting more chapters from you.

Who is liking all of my comments to this story!? :pinkiegasp: and disliking all of everyone else's comments?

Is it....*gulp* the m-milk mare?:pinkiecrazy:

I read this before bed and I'll spread this short story about. :pinkiehappy:

3226877 thank you! Thats really nice of you!:yay::pinkiehappy:

3227616
I sent the link about but idk if anyone read it.

3243863 heh ill be working on chapter3 soon

Not hard enough, obviously.

Your execution of this chapter was poor, however your writing style shows potential for improvement and the possibility of greatness.

I suggest you keep writing stories. Everyone has bad ones from time to time, including me...oh especially me. But right now, I see you going down a road that can only lead you to being a great author in the future. Of course, trial and error and maybe a good critic will help you get there. :twilightsmile:

How here's the thing. You made this fic boring by not adding a submersive field to Dawns emotions. By submersive, I mean you didn't have her react to strange sounds, or even there lack of. You could have made the night completely silent and a foreboding atmosphere could have washed over her and given her some dread. The reveal of Slendermane was unremarkable and boring. You could have made it amazing by having him in the very far distance, they lock eyes. She investigates after a while. And after going through a bush Slendermane disappears.

She heads home.

Chapter 2, when her daily rituals start becoming haunted by this mystery stallion. Remember, Slenderman hunts his victims slowly, making sure they fear him before they're turned into his puppets and eventually taken away. So the only thing you're actually missing here is the hunt. That's why you don't have a lot more likes than you should.

I will give you more if you wish. Course you're going to have to ask nicely and offer a cherry on top. :twilightblush:

3631015 heh thank you kindly for the compliments and criticism. I will try to work on this for the next ttwo chapters. 3 they reenter the forest and four is the end. if you enjoyed this at all i hope youll keep reading:twilightsmile: also could you do this with Last Words as well?

3840828 :twilightsmile: i take it you enjoy the story?

3862650
Oh hell yeah. Great story. Keep writing.

3865916 heh thank you. im also writing a story called Strigoi. i put a link on a blog if you want to look at what i have for now

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