• Member Since 2nd Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen March 12th

TheOneBehindYou


It appears I'm becoming quite mad; ah well.

T
Source

"I hate him, so why in the name of apple seeds itself am I blushing?"

A sort-of-spin-off sequel to An Apple A Day from Craine. Its not related to the story but at the same time it is. I just sorta wanted to try writing again... Which I shouldn't be doing as I will never be the author he is. But without further ado, enjoy.

Edit: Fixed up some error's that were seen and fixed up the names. Sorry about that.
Edit Two: I-I can't believe it but, it happened. I got on the featured tab. I'm... Going to cry.
Featured Tab proof - 5/27/14
Edit Three: A Small Animation Tribute to Ch. 3

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 177 )

Why the hell would you do that? I mean it wasn't that bad a story, in fact it was quite good. Discord X AJ seems fun, I mean AJ is the Straight man (stock character) to Discord's comedy routine. Also RD had a purpose, she was the embarrassment factor that AJ felt.

Does the artist of the Cover Art know your using it?

Short and sweet. I have to admit, Discord seems less gentlemanly and suave in this, and you've got that annoying habit preference of capitalizing ponies' names wrong (like Applejack being AppleJack and Fluttershy being FlutterShy), but it wasn't all bad. I'm glad I read this.

3118582

Sorry about that, I like calling them that way, its my personal way and I just sorta stick with it but if it really bothers you so much. I can gladly revise it to the normal standard.

3118261 Oh, whoops.

Better let her know ;;

3118227 Because no one else will support this ship but me and Craine. I guess? I don't know ;w;

This was actually to my liking. Why'd you stop at one chapter?

Lol I rather liked this I'd like to see another chapter

3120094 Its just a one-shot sweetie. If I updated it I'd have to take it out of the one-shot group. Besides I like it the way it is -w-

3120284 Lies and slander good sir! It is not that good for an extra chapter! Goodness.

3120472 I completely disagree I found it to be light hearted and enjoyable. I particularly enjoyed Discord teasing Applejack. It's your story and I can respect that but it was well written. I believe your selling yourself short

3120525 Aww... Thank you. I need more comments like this. :pinkiesmile:

Well, I should try and write more then hmm?

3120534 lol yes I think another chapter would be great. I mean it's not like it's gotta be clop for Mara's sake. I can tell you had fun with this and in the end that's what matters. I'm sure you've gotten some negative feedback b4 but just remember "Haters Are Gonna Hate!" so just tell I'm to Piss off and have fun. :)

3120564 This is staying as a one-shot darling.

But Yeah, I did have fun and that is indeed all that matters.

You have helped inspire me to try writing again. Some idea's are now popping in my head again, that hasn't happened in gosh who knows how long? :trixieshiftright:

So thank you~ again :rainbowkiss:

What's all this then?! About you never becoming a better writer?! Crazy talk--that's what it is. So long as me, or any willing author has a THING to say about it, you shall improve! YOU SHALL FLOURISH! Now sit back, relax, and listen to this old fool's (overtly) honest critique.

This. Was. Adorable.

I'm gonna come right out with it; I very much liked the climax of this tale. It was connected from beginning to end, and the anticipation was your greatest hook, I think. It always pleases me to see AJ's character captured as it should be: her being a stubborn bitch. Yes. All of my yes. Doing this always leaves readers--or me, at least--guessing, as far as what horrible consequences her stubbornness will have. And you sold that aspect exceedingly well.

Just as I thought it would, AJ's chemistry with Discord was beyond entertaining. I heard and saw all of Discord's mannerisms simply by the words chosen. This made the ending scene all the more hilarious. No, seriously, I think my neighbors would've called the cops, I laughed so hard. The tone? Cute. The execution? Acceptable. A joy to take in for anyone who's up for something new.

Now, young writer... Brace yourself.

The pacing of this story put the quality in mortal danger. It was slow. Too slow, and I think it the words chosen were responsible. I spotted an unsettling number of run-on sentences that would doom any important scene to *pause for dramatic affect* 'The Skim'.

Example ahoy:

A smile immediately enhancing her features as if what she just pulled was for the wonderbolts to see and to be quite frank, if that was what she was going for she wasted her time.

I couldn't even...

Heed this carefully: avoid run-on sentences at all costs. Why? Because they're long, boring, and no one likes reading them. How? By being direct with your words, which brings up my next issue.

Your narration was passive, and, I'm sorry to say, boring. More than once, I found my huge, s**t-eating grin fall as I read on. And on. And on. Lots of your sentences had too many 'filler' words. Words you could've very much done without.

Example ahoy:

He then licked her nose with his snake tongue after that retaliation and this caused Applejack's eyes to not only widen but her face to return to that dark red she had on earlier.

Perhaps you could've wrote:

A forked tongue poked from Discord's lips. Before Applejack could do, say, or even thinkof how to stop it from brushing against her nose, it did just that. And she screamed.

Or something like that, I don't know.

In the future, try to be more direct. Shorten your sentences for maximum effect. It will do wonders for your writing and will get your point across without torturing your readers. Every sentence you write should have a purpose. Be it revealing something about the character(s), or moving the story along, you must stay focused. If you're worried about word-count, and meaningless crap like that, make your chapters (oneshots) more eventful.

You still with me? Great. Because I've one last issue to point out--the most important issue, in fact. Unnecessary 'telling'.

As you can tell, I won't lie to you; there were unnecessary tells everywhere! EVERYWHERE! From blatantly 'telling' us how the characters felt, to 'telling us what happens after you've 'shown' it.

Examples ahoy:

This caused a hoot for the old creature and he soon fell back laughing really hard.

For starters, simply stating that he laughed, would show us that he, indeed, had a 'hoot'. Because he's a dick like that. Also, this sentence ties in with my earlier gripes about filler-words and run-on sentences.
Perhaps you could've wrote:

He tried to hold it. If only to show he was a gentlemen at heart, Discord tried to hold his laughter. But he failed. Miserably.

Eh? Eh??

There... The longest comment I've given on Fimfiction. I, in no way, planned to undermine or discourage you by pointing these out. As I said, I want you to FLOURISH! Understand, young writer, that there are MANY us helpers out there. You just have to ask.

Now go forth. Write. Read. Learn! FIGHT! WIN!!!!

Craine...

PS: And don't discourage yourself. It's only a matter of time before your see and feel the changes. Trust me. :eeyup:

3120783 Holy-

Ok I was NOT expecting such a HUGE comment. Especially on this story.

However critique is very appreciated and I am happy I even gained any positive feedback let alone some teachings of my mistakes.

I think I kind of know what you're telling me, though, as far as the story went.

It paced slowly only because I was not direct in my words and I was worrying too much about the word count. Also as far as passive wording goes I honestly don't know better? I don't know how to really make it spicy ish. If that makes any sense let me know. XD

But yeah half of your lessons did get through and another half was confused as hell.

The problem being I don't write to be a writer. I just write for fun in general.

However I got you to laugh, smile and enjoy yourself even at the mistakes so I have to say I must have done some things right and that's all that matters~.

But again I will do my best to re-read your critique and try and fix myself up. At least to some degree. :unsuresweetie:

But again thank you for the read, comment/critique and fave. Any kind of comments make me have some form of hope and I really need that to even think of fixing up my work.

So bless you Craine for being such a wonderful teacher and writer. :heart:

3120850 Holy crap I'm still getting faves. I am certainly not used to this attention. :derpyderp1:

<3 You're the best Craine

Good story, now if it wasn't a one shot story..

3120972 Goodness you all seem so obsessed into making this have chapters xD. It does not deserve those chapters friend, it just does not.

Beside's, using the imagination is fun on what happened next :3

probably more hi-jinx

3120984
areyoufuckingcoding.me/img/meme-impossibru.jpg
WE NEED MOAR CHAPTERS!
(And yes, you are a good writer, I would read the rest c;)
But then again.

Its up to you....

3121522 Aww, thank you, means a lot to hear you say that :pinkiehappy:

3119649

Well something has to be done then. :pinkiehappy: If only I had an idea of what I could write...

3122781 Yes! Write something about this! Conform to the AppleCord ways! CONFORM! :rainbowwild:

Hm... Applecord, eh?

A sort-of-spin-off sequel to An Apple A Day from Craine.

Okay, now this looks interesting. Very interesting indeed...

Huh, not bad at all, for someone who's just starting out.

I would give some critique, but I would probably just be retreading what 3120783 has already left in his beast of a comment.

Anyway, I quite enjoyed this, and I do hope you keep writing and improving. This gets a like from me. :twilightsmile:

Also, Applecord needs to be a thing. I might have a whack at it myself, actually.

3123031 COOOONFOOOOORM!!!!!

3125094 OH GOD WHAT HAVE I STARTED.

But yes thank you, I'll learn to not do runner on sentences more and try to write more actively. But I also have learned that if I type direct too much I will actually make the audience miss something a few times because of how quick it can be a read.

So some small passive is needed in certain points.

Also if you do write an AppleCord story I will SING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS
AAKJSDKAJSLHSDSJ

That was really good! I will admit I liked the original one more, but this is also incredibly enjoyable. I hope people come out with more Applexcord fics, since if I tried to make one it would probably end up...badly :pinkiecrazy:

3215838

Well, nothing could EVER beat the original as Craine is just brilliant.

But hey if you made a creepypasta AppleCord I'd love it even more. Any AppleCord is good AppleCord friend :ajsmug:

I agree with my commentating precursors, this was really cute!
Poor, flustered AJ. :twilightsheepish:

3258872 Poor AJ indeed!

Thank you for the comment despite :heart:

i agree, this needs more chapters. splendid and adorable. very nice!

3267157 Well... I guess I could try and think of something on how to continue this if you all really DO love it that much. :trixieshiftright:

3269841 i believe it should be continued. she was so adorably flustered and i like how you plaid discord. ive seen him plaid down right evil but you plaid him as the trickster ((least that's how i seen it)) and i thought it was very well down, that goes for the story as a whole as well. a continuation would make me and((no doubt)) many others happy

3296092 Well I'll try and wrack my brain to see what I can make up. :twilightsmile:

This really feels like a first chapter.

3321260 That's why I shall plan a new chapter. :twilightsheepish:

3323690 Yes, I shall plan a nice, wonderful chapter that's gonna suck so much you'll wish I tore my fanfic off the site.

This chapter was awesome. I demand moar of this. :rainbowkiss:

3325121 stahp et wut r u doin tuh meh

Eat a big fat bagel.

3325139 I'm forcing you tuh write moar of dis. :trollestia:

Applecord is awesome, therefore you shall continue dis awesome stuffz. :rainbowwild:

3325437 Fiiiine but I'm telling youuuuu

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