[2nd Person Romance Tale]
In an alternate reality, science and magic have conjoined to form a world of the Information Age. Equestria has become the capital of the world in the realm of progress and discovery. The nation is so advanced that companies on behalf of the princesses have started manufacturing life-like but artificial animals.
They created dogs, cats, rabbits, sheep, and even ponies...
Inspired by the works of Philip K. Dick and Isaac Asimov.
Collaboration with electreXcessive.
Chapters (3)
That sounds like a collaboration I'm sorry never happened.
Consider your story tracked for concept
Oh, yes.
I'll be watching this story closely.
This is very unique, being tracked by me.
interesting can't wait to see how this turns out
(a little nervous for flutters aswell)
You should have created a new Pinkie sense for finding an Android
Okay, there's not much to go on, but let me say that I can think of. It's difficult to talk much on an ongoing fic with only 7.5K words down that feels like it has yet to even fully begin.
The basic mechanics and narrative are fine. There isn't much at all wrong with these. The grammar and mechanics are almost perfectly sound. Here are two instances where I noticed things amiss.
Chapter 3
Correct to: your mind retreats back into its figurative shell.
Chapter 3
Correct to: lifelike
The atmosphere is nicely done here. Everything gives off a dysphoric vibe. It seems strange for this story, given that there are no sad, tragedy, or dark tags. I never have read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, or much Robert Heinlein. However, I did read some Isaac Asimov a number of years back. Yeah, I can see the similarities. However, I'd dare say that you, Atlas and Elec, are a fair bit more into telling than he is. If there's anything that I don't really like about the fic, it's just how much telling you do. And some of it is stuff that you went back over in dialogue not even that much later. Either that's an oversight and redundant, or it's intentional. There is a strong cyberpunk vibe, which I really like.
I like the characters. Granted, the second person thing is always slightly jarring, and it's not typically seen for stories that aren't porn. Delving into your character's thoughts in second person can hurt immersion. Your protagonist, his reality, and his world are interesting. I would like to know more about it. At least he's entertaining to watch, if only because he's a smartass. Fluttershy seems true enough to her canon self. I want to know more. However, neither your protagonist, nor Fluttershy, are all that engaging or memorable. They currently have minimal conflict or goals, meaning that I can't really find much reason to identify with them or support them. The dialogue is alright and gets the job done, which is all that there really is to say about it.
Personally, I'm not a fan of lots of short chapters. I think that it's better for pacing and flow to have longer chapters. It often feels like you are cutting things just a bit too short. I appreciate your attention to detail, but such things feel cramped in the tight narrative. Perhaps there is conflict or imbalance between you authors, because one of you seems to like keeping things brief, but the other one of you seems to like letting things take up space. The result resembles shoving a pear-shaped girl into a corset.
One thing I wish you would do less of is telling. While this story reminds me strongly of Blade Runner, it has very little of the subtlety that Blade Runner did. I'm feeling like I'm being handed absolutely everything on a silver platter out of fear that it might make my delicate brain have a meltdown. Show and imply more things, especially core elements such as the prejudice towards synthetics. Also, I recommend relying less on the inner monologue, especially because such things
Overall, this fic is just alright. I'm not particularly impressed by anything yet, but I don't see anything really bad in it other than being a tad directionless. The conflicts and concepts you are introducing had better been leading us somewhere, though. I could take it or leave it as it stands. There's a lot of potential for greatness, but also much potential for mediocrity. I wish you both the best in this project. I'll hold off on saying more, as well as a numeric score until I have more to work with. Just know that it's above average. It gets my upvote.