Celestia: Firstborn daughter of Ilias and Rose. Alicorn in appearance, in likeness to her father's creator. Able to communicate with nature, like her father. A mare of unquestionable honesty, generosity and loyalty. True, older sister to Luna. A mare of white coat and pink mane and tail. Obliterated in tandem with Luna, after the climactic battle with Morrow. Memory preserved and body refashioned within the mirror pool by Dimiourgia, to await the future resurrectors of harmony.
Copy of Celestia: Living mirror image of Celestia. Accidentally created by Celestia after finding and diving into the mirror pool. Eventually transformed into Luna, via the methods of Vorjhan the Chaos.
Lady Dimiourgia ("dee-myoor-zha"): The omnipotent, all-seeing Creator. Created Ilias and Rose. Initially created the Everfree forest and all life within, before allowing Rose to take responsibility of the task. Created the sun and the moon, designating each to Ilias and Rose, respectively. Original creator and imprisoner of Vorjhan the Chaos. A tall mare-figure of pure white coat and auburn mane and tail. Alicorn in appearance. Eraser of all memories involving Ilias and Rose, at the request of Ilias upon his destruction.
Ilias ("eye-lee-us"): The first stallion, father of all ponies, including Celestia but excluding Luna. Created into adulthood, lived a natural life of forty years. Husband and eternal partner of Rose, the corrupted. Able to control the sun, communicate with nature and feel disturbances in the Earth. Spirit guardian of the Everfree forest, existing solely to contain its uncontrollable growth began by Morrow. A stallion of grey coat, red mane and green eyes. Earth pony in appearance.
Luna: Daughter of Rose and Vorjhan the Chaos. True, younger sister to Celestia. Alicorn in appearance, in likeness to her mother's creator. Able to observe ponies' dreams, like her mother. A mare of unquestionable kindness and one of a rare few with a sense of humour. Speculated to wield more powerful magic than Celestia. Contains a slight amount of corruption, courtesy of Vorjhan the Chaos. A mare of dark blue coat and blue mane and tail. Obliterated in tandem with Celestia, after the climactic battle with Morrow. Memory preserved and body refashioned within the mirror pool by Dimiourgia, to await the future resurrectors of harmony.
Rose: The first mare, mother of all ponies, including Celestia and Luna. Created into adulthood, lived a natural life of forty years. Wife and eternal partner of Ilias, the first stallion. Corrupted by Vorjhan the Chaos upon conceiving Luna. Able to control the moon, create nature and observe ponies' dreams. Now an evil spirit, doomed to forever attempt to expand the Everfree forest. Also goes by the names Morrow ("more-row"), Widower, Weaver of Dreams, Betrayer. A mare of white coat and tan mane and tail. Earth pony in appearance.
Star Swirl: Firstborn son of Ilias and Rose. Brother to Celestia and Luna. A powerful unicorn of chestnut coat and grey mane.
Starshine: Grandson of Ilias and Rose, nephew of Celestia and Luna. A young unicorn. Dreamed the first dreams about the corruptions of the forest, Morrow and Luna. Purple of body, midnight-blue of mane and tail.
Vorjhan ("vore-jaan") the Chaos: An immensely powerful being made up of multiple other beings. Original creation of Dimiourgia. Imprisoned within the mirror pool for one thousand years, released unwittingly by Celestia. Father of Luna, via the transformation of Copy of Celestia and subsequent implantation into the womb of Rose. Possesses the power of chaos, allowing him to create, destroy or mismatch anything he desires. Creator of all hybrid species including manticores, cockatrices, hydras, dragons, timberwolves, changelings, griffons, carnivorous plants. Defeated and exiled from the Everfree forest by Morrow after her descent into madness and destruction. Eventually renamed himself as Discord.
3425916
I just noticed that someone disliked your review. I wonder why, and who--it certainly wasn't I.
3558977
I'm pleased you've gotten around to this!
I hope it remains pleasing to you too
Hello! I'm going to do my best at a review for your story!
Overall, I am intrigued by your story. It's a very interesting take on the origin of Equestria by way of Adam and Eve.
When it comes to the grammar and structure of your story, it's near flawless. Many writers think that both indenting and double-spacing your paragraphs is archaic, but I personally believe it makes your story nice, clean and readable.
A tiny little pet peeve of mine which in no way detracts from the quality of the story is that you have dialogue at the end of a series of sentences in some parts.
I personally don't like when that happens. I feel like the sentences before it detract from the dialogue, make it easy to miss. But again this is just a peeve on my part.
Apart from that, I found your story fascinating. Origin stories are very rarely done coherently enough that it could easily be fit into "established lore", but you did well with this one; how you had Ilias become aware of himself and how he came to cope with his newly awakened sense was well done, as was Rose and her succumbing to Discord's corruption.
I wish you good fortune on future projects. Take care, friend!
3566522
Thank you so much for pointing that out! Fortunately, I know exactly what went wrong: during the rewrite of that chapter, I had the version of future Luna (from the sequel) in mind. In that, she has an affinity with the element of laughter. So in trying to keep her "in character" to that story, I've messed her up in this one.
I'll be sure to fix that!
Again, thanks for the catch!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
I'm just going to toss aside the usual format and do this my way, because that's how I am.
Let's see...
Starting out with the good things, I'd say the strongest feature of this story is its archaic tone and the clear parallel to biblical stories of creation. We've got a kind deity with an Adam (Ilias) and an Eve (Rose/Morrow), plus a lush and "bountiful" forest for them to frolic in. This first few chapters excel at this, when the two are just learning about their world. They seem to be very naive, and yet also speak with an ancient diction that makes things interesting to read. Unfortunately, this fades away as you get further into the story. After Discord's first appearance Celestia starts to talk more and more like a modern pony, with Luna's modern teenage diction completely breaking the illusion. "Haul flank?" Phrases like that take the biblical, story-told-by-a-sage-around-the-fire kind of atmosphere and turn it into a much less appealing two-bit-action-movie feel.
The plot is interesting, though I feel it could have been executed better. Let me get this straight, just to make sure I haven't misinterpreted anything. ( MASSIVE SPOILERS) Discord kills the 2nd Celestia and uses her soul/energy to get Rose pregnant with Luna. At the same time he taints her with his magic. Luna's dark coat is not due to being naturally inclined towards the moon, but because of the traces of taint passed on to her by her mother. Later, when the whole gang treks out of the Everfree for the first time to confront Discord, he reveals to them that he was the first creation and shows them the world he's made; we are shown that he is actually the true creator of most of Equestria (which actually has a somewhat evolutionist thread to it; chaos making the world and all). Ilias accepts this, and the percieved betrayal against Rose causes the taint to peak as she turns to Nightmare Moon and begins covering the world with a dark forest. Ilias, Celestia, and Luna sacrifice themselves to stop her and Discord is banished from Equestria. Celestia and Luna are reformed twenty years later and reunite the divided ponies of the world while Ilias's soul is bound to Morrow's, preventing her from destroying the world. Later, the little taint that was in Luna causes her, in turn, to also be turned into Nightmare Moon, and that lines up with established canon history. Oh, and also Dimourgia makes the world forget about Rose/Ilias because of his last wish. (END SPOILERS)
Correct? Now, that's a very interesting plot. If any author shared it with me I would be inclined to read their story. It's well-developed and uses biblical allusion and theme to call into question several ideas, such as deliberative vs. chaotic creation (Rose vs. Discord), the moral correctness of banishment, the concept of a failed divine plan, and the definition of life (the copy of Celestia). Where it falters is in the execution.
Besides the way that the archaic tone falls apart, the story doesn't actually feel like a journal, as you said it was supposed to be in the author's notes. It reads like a normal story that simply lacks dialogue. We are shown things as they happen, with almost no reflection on them; Ilias's narration has no reflective hindsight until the very end, where he basically just tells us what happens and ties things in with canon. I feel like it would be much better presented if he spoke about things as if they had happened in the past instead of as if they were happening as he wrote. This also would allow you to foreshadow Morrow's transformation much better, as you could have Ilias speak about it and show his guilt and emotions on it without explicitly saying what happens. That builds up tension and anticipation, making the final act much more interesting to the reader, and also develops his character more.
Which brings up another point. Ilias and Rose lack any real characterization. Actually, most of your characters do, but it's much more of a problem with them because they don't have canon personalities your readers can refer to. Dimourgia comes off well as a kind, motherly creator, but the rest fall flat. Ilias seems like little more than an observer to the story, taking almost no action until the very end, and his plain narration lacks the kind of emotion or commentary to build up a real personality. It's possible that you meant to do this on purpose, as passiveness fits the idea of a nature spirit, but I feel like the symbolic reward is not worth the lack of personality. Rose, on the other hand, seems like a mere vessel to drive the plot forwards. Ilias tells us that she has changed, but we can't really see it for ourselves. Celestia and Luna are practically interchangeable side characters and though Discord shows some clear distinction and an obvious attempt to stick to his character, it just doesn't "pop." I don't know exactly why; perhaps it is less in his words and more in his actions.
Besides that, the last chapter is pretty much unnecessary. A story should begin as late as possible and end as soon as possible, and there's no need for you to recite canon from Ilias's viewpoint. It is actually more of patch on a different problem: that the chapter before it lacks a sense of closure. It ends very abruptly, apparently requiring another 1,000 words where you recount canon for you to wind the story down properly. Personally, I would fix the actual ending to have more closure, or modify the last chapter so it's less "here's the canon history of Equestria" and more "here's the personal reflection of Ilias, the first pony."
Well, that's all. If you were expecting me to comment on your grammar then sorry; nothing really stuck out to me on that subject. I'll be moving on to Keepers now.
3568542
Now that is a review that I feel I really needed. While it's great to have words of praise from everyone (and yourself, initially), this is the kind of stuff that really shows me where my writing needs improving. Damn, I thought I knew how to review stories.
Although there are a multitude of things that I could have done differently, as well as many things I could and probably should change, I still can't help but feel like I made a decent first effort when writing. I don't know where exactly my writing began to slip, or why. Maybe, I can blame it on my eagerness to have it just out there. I did write the whole thing in about 72 hours. Consider that it's the first story I've ever written that wasn't just a little one-shot, 1000-word, high-school English assignment. It was almost ten years between this and my crappy little Legend of Zelda fic I managed to pass off to my grade 9 teacher.
It's telly, characters should have been handled much better, Morrow was an essential plot device... I think what happened was, I had the ideas for the start and the end, but I wrote the entire rest of it pretty much organically. While I did my best to seal all of the holes in canon (something I fear I was trying too hard to do), perhaps I should have concentrated on the other areas, rather than making story for the sake of story. Turns out it was AU-ed by season four anyway.
There is one, burning question I would ask of you, though. Did you listen to the music? I haven't seen this addressed in your review at all. The entire point of this story was an attempt at taking the themes addressed in Neverbloom and turning it into a literal interpretation of the Forest that the Lord of Woe and Morrow created together. While my execution may be flawed (and I thank you for pointing out just how so it was), I'm pleased you can at least see the appeal in what I was trying to write, rather than the actual product. You understand what it was meant to be (from a narrative viewpoint) perfectly - everything inbetween Massive spoilers/End spoilers is absolutely spot on.
Thanks for being so critical of my work. I can only hope that my themes, characterisation, world-building and everything else required for my adventure sequel are properly present and executed. Not to toot my own horn, but I really consider Keeper of the Crystal Heart to be, by far, my finest work. I'm certain you'll enjoy it, I just can't say how much or how little. Looking forward to your review of that one!
Thanks again for covering this story, I know you didn't actually have to.
Adren
3568596
Sorry, but I didn't listen to the music. This is a combination of both my lack of headphones, the presence of my sleeping girlfriend, and my personal belief that any work of the written word should stand on its own writing. Music links and such are essentially outsourcing the job of establishing atmosphere, in my opinion, and it doesn't help that it usually doesn't reflect what's happening. Even if it does, it's unlikely that the average reader (including me) will read at the pace the author had in mind when they chose it, which somewhat upsets the effect.
It's about time that elusive red bar showed itself! Seriously, what took you so long?
3586496
It will be terminated...
I'm surprised your fic isn't more popular considering it was featured on EqD
3712510
We'll see what happens if Keeper is ever featured
Well, finally got around to reading this! (Sorry for the delay but you know, life and stuff).
Anywho, I just finished binge reading it and I must say I really enjoyed it. I've always been fascinated by origin stories or tales of beginnings. From things people don't usually think about (How were capes invented? Was the first person to wear a cape considered a weirdo? ) To origins about individuals (Doctor Octopus Year One is still one of my favorite comic book miniseries of all time.)
Now a story about how an entire world became the way it is isn't exactly the most original. (Especially for this fandom.) BUT! It allows for a tale to be told on an epic scale. Granted this was a bit more subdued (the initial chaos of the worlds creation being implied, battles just a giant laser light show) but that didn't detract from my enjoyment. I share similar sentiments with some of the other commentators regarding the loss of the Bible speak, and some weak characters. (Not Discord of course, I loved his characterization)
However I admire how you were able to still fit everything into being possibly canon (pre season 4 anyway) and just the circumstance of llias's final fate is a a somber one in excellent contrast to the first chapter. So overall it was a good story, I'm glad I read it, and congratulations on your other EQD feature! (I'll try to get to that one quicker. No promises though)
3763355
Thanks so much for the review, dude. It'd be freakin' sweet if you carried on into the future with its successor, Keeper of the Crystal Heart. I'm yet to receive a single bad note about that one, or a downvote even. Everyone has been impressed with its shift away from the dark, adorable and well-developed characters, detailed world-building and most of all, epic drama and villainous treachery scenes.
My hope for this story is that everyone who reads it also reads Keeper, loves it and gets hype for the third installment in the series...
Well wasn't this an interesting little read! Here, have a token of my esteem!
24.media.tumblr.com/a257ad5165644b1f79354634dfdee284/tumblr_mqo61uYbwk1rj6vd5o1_400.png
Wear it with pride;
-Lumino
Just putting this here for when my view-graph inevitably shrinks to Oceans of Emptiness.
I know it will happen, in fact it already is. So here you go, have some stats from Flowers' glory days!
fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t31/1548039_511280845654522_1767648275_o.jpg
3816602
lolzies
That is all. Equestria is ours.
Hmmmm...Invisible guardian that roams endlessly...He's the most lonely pony in existence, yet he had a companion named Rose that stood by him...I'm gonna say, this pony is the Doctor. Just a wild guess, but am I right?
3852018
Unfortunately, it is not the Doctor. I don't have the confidence to write him, since I've hardly seen his show
I hope this doesn't turn you away from reading, though. Trust me, it's worth your time. You may find many surprises contained within...
3852050 Oh, I'm still gonna read it. Besides, I know how it feels to be lonely, and long to be with a friend that is no longer with you. That's my life in a nutshell.
By the way, I highly recommend watching Doctor Who.
Is Lady Dimiourgia's name a reference to the Demiurge?
3885920
Yep.
3887503
Boy, don't I feel clever.
Aarrgh! The Tragedy tag! My other irrational fear!
Why must all the really talented writers I find fall to the dark side?
4204014
Welcome to my first ever effort on FimFiction, friend. Incidentally, also my first EqD-ed story.
If you can bear this, the sequel is far more light-hearted. I promise
4293540
Eh, that's completely up to the artist's interpretation. I can always just drop the "pale", it's an inconsequential detail, after all.
4312548
Cheers for the info. Changed to "infused" (unless that's still wrong?)
...you did get art of these characters, right? RIGHT?!
4413949
Wow, you destroyed this story! You're an insanely fast reader!
I'm so glad for your approval
4413950
Here, Have a present.
4413951 Heh, it's no problem, man.
4413952 That is some cool -- and hella-dark -- looking art.
These Flowers Never Bloom by Cerulean Voice
Score: 4.7 out of 10 - Mediocre at Best
- Shallow Main Characters
- Clunky Pacing
- Mediocre Dialogue
+ Incredible Imagery and Scene Visualization
Read the full review here. Review by Amy Clockwork.
4457994
Cheers for that It's nice to see a thorough and well-laid out review from someone who knows what they're talking about. I'll be the first to admit that this isn't my best story—far from it, actually.
I'm glad you enjoyed it for what it was, though. I've known for a while what was wrong with it.
About the music, it was more just so you could see what inspired me. I'm not actually really expecting people to listen to it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What? Did I miss this whole 'Celestia and Luna got destroyed and remade in the mirror pool' thing? Because I feel like that didn't even get mentioned in the final chapter or the Chronicles chapter, nor do I recall any mention of them 'waking up' when the Elements of Harmony were ready.
I didn't care for the Chronicles; far too expositiony. I think you could have done away with all the Equestrian history and just focused on Ilias' fate. We wouldn't have lost anything as everything you described is more or less public knowledge, whereas what happened to Ilias and Morrow was what we really needed to see. The same for Discord's lengthy exposition on how he created manticores and cockatrices; all we needed to see was him being pissed at having been beaten and finding the unicorn – who I presume will be Sombra, just from my own supposition.
I find it interesting that, in this version of Equestria, chaos is considered malevolent by its very nature. Discord never struck me as evil, just unpredictable. This is the second story in a row I've read where he's been warped completely from his in-show depiction, but I'm forgiving of that as it's fanfiction and characters can be re-imagined into any form the writer likes.
All in all, this was an interesting read and a curious creation theory for Equestria. For a first attempt at a story, it's not bad at all.
That being said, I felt that a lot of the emotional energy was lost due to the story's length; things happened so quickly that I wasn't really given the time to connect with the characters. You're well aware of my displeasure regarding 'show vs. tell' in your stylistic criticisms, but I have to reference it when regarding this plot. Most of the story had you just telling me – and expecting me to form a deep connection in regards to – Ilias' feelings about his herd, wife and daughters. I get that you were going for a 'journal' style with this story, but that might actually be part of the problem (especially considering that feeling seemed lost about halfway in). If the story had been twice as long, that at least would have given me more time to really grow attached to the characters and be more affected by the impact these events had on their lives.
But I digress. Time to move on to the sequel.
Since when were Celestia and Luna destroyed?! Just what have I been missing? So much for having an eye for detail...