Char Gen and Xavier Priston are Equestria's best scientists. Even though they live in a world where magic is a fact of life, they are still greatly admired for their studies. Their discoveries have benefitted Equestria, as well as other regions. Everything is looking up for them. Until she came to their lives.
Glisten Vial was a mysterious mare. She walked into their laboratory, offering them money for their future projects. And to make sure that they said yes, she offered them the things that they greatly desired. The only thing she asked in return was for them to conduct some experienments for her.
What seemed like a great partnership, soon turned into a nightmare. One failed experiment created terrifying monsters, released all of their test subjects, and destroyed their laboratory. To make things even worse, each test subject and monster want revenge.
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Special thanks to everyone who donated their OC's. They shall be credited as the story progresses.
Big thanks to Doom Trot for helping me with this.
Tiem to red.
3141381
What?
3141407 I dunno. Good story so far. I look forward to the next update.
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*closes mouth*
*Ahem*
I await the next chapter.
I like it. Seems a little rough around the edges, but a great start. I can't wait for the next chapter.
An excellent start!
Silver out!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: What We've Done
Grammar score: 7 / 10
Your grammar is mostly okay, but there are a few awkwardly worded sentences which, though technically correct grammar, are confusing to read. I'd get an editor if I were you.
As for grammar, you have a few problems, but not too many. Remember to include an apostrophe whenever you have a possessive. You make that mistake a few times; here is an example.
Need an apostrophe in "stallion's."
You don't need to capitalize the. Treat the exclamation mark in dialogue just like you would treat a comma. Also, how would Aegis Strap know that the pony was the mare's son or daughter? Lucky guess?
Pros
-Aegis Strap has a pretty cool power, to "reset" things. I have seen many powers in fics, and that one is pretty unique. Way to stand out. Fair warning, though: You'll have to make sure that you set appropriate limits on it, or else you'll have him be OP.
-Your first chapter is of a good length and ends in a cliffhanger, which is a good way to keep people reading.
-Even though it's a sequel and part of a larger 'verse, I had no trouble keeping up with what was going on, for the most part. This is good, because that means you can draw in new readers.
Cons
-Some of your sentences are a bit clumsily worded. Also, I don't know if this is supposed to be third person omniscient or not, but you describe things sometimes that Aegis would have no way of knowing. Remember that if you want to be third person limited, stick to only what your character knows at the time.
-You really need to edit your short description. It's a mess. I almost didn't click on the story because of it.
And then it just cuts off.
-You say the word "you" as if addressing the reader a few times in this fic. I would try and fix this fourth wall breaking, since it can break immersion. Here's an example
You could easily take out "if you looked hard enough," and just add in "barely noticeable" or "inconspicuous" in front of the word "movement."
Overall Rating
7/10. Just clean up the grammar a bit, get an editor to help you with the sentence structure, and take out the fourth wall breaking.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Sufficient Unto the Day
3171737
Why thank you good sir. I will check up on your story... soon.
Ooh! Ooh!
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3192117
You just couldn't resist, could you?
3192130
3192300
I don't know. 1: Jock straps 2: Elvis 3: I am legend.
3192315
Don't feel bad. I proofread this. I was over-prepared to post GLaDOS.
Yay! Maggy was in something!
Now let's see if she is ever talked about again.
3192331
Well then I can complain to you.
This would imply that Maggy is good friends with herself. I can think of three reasons that is wrong, off the top of my head, and two reasons that makes complete sence.
This story is like McDonald's because I'm loving it!
Silver out!
3193791
I'll hound the author posthaste.
Sorry for having missed that.
EDIT: Nevermind. He fixed that while I wasn't looking.
3205384
I thought it was funny.
This review is brought to you by authors helping authors.
Grammar: 8 out of 10. Pretty good, but could use work throughout with some sentence structure.
Pros: the story opens up with a strange and mysterious feeling to which I do like about stories. It lets me wonder what is next.
The character dialogue with each other flows well, giving a nice and smooth transition between one to the next.
Cons: while I did like mysterious, the opening was kinda confusing. I had no idea what was happening a first or what this world was. If this is a spinoff of another story, it should be stated before reading begins.
The scene where the awakened pony used that reset power was cool, but I wish it were explained a little more and was not rushed so much.
Notes: while a little confused at some parts, the story gives an enjoyable feel when reading and leaves me curious to what happens next.
If possible, a review for my story We fight as one would be appreciated. Thank you
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Any chance we'll learn what happened to the rest of the test subjects, as well as the scientists?
4350720
Yes.
4350765 Does this story have Flashlight?
4364226
No. He's just there because... I forget why I put him on there in the first place.
4364226
I remember now. He's there because... I lost it.
4364335 Ok... what about you put Flashlight in?
4365598
Because Twilight... nevermind, that contains spoilers.
I like how you dive the choice of how Aegis acts. Will you have different endings based on which "path" we choose?
4373125
That's the plan.
3193791 the only iconic Maggie I know is from no end house 2 so...
How have I not seen this? Now I must read when I have the chance.