'I've followed you since the dawn of time.
I've whispered thoughts into your mind.
I've watched your towers hit the ground.
I've lured the children never found.
I've helped your kings abuse their crown.
'In the heart of evil men,
Plant the seeds of my own plan.
The strong and powerful will fall.
You'll find a piece of me in all.'
A sneak peak at the unseen rise of King Discord.
Rated "Teen" for suggestive themes, mild violence, disturbing images, and crude humor. Enjoy! Also, this song. Yes...
Chapters (1)
Wow. That was quite something.
I have to say, this was really quite good. A bit rough around the edges—I spotted a few mistakes in grammar and whatnot, but nothing too major.
The narration and dialogue were both great. This story grabbed me from the get-go, and I was kept in its thrall all the way to the rather surprising end. I did feel like there were a few too many short sentences in the narration, particularly at the beginning. (but then i have a habit of overusing them too
)
Discord stole the show. Once again, you managed to capture his dark humour, general immaturity, and overall dickishness perfectly. I found myself chuckling audibly at his quips, which is a rare thing indeed, and that scene where he blew up the town? EPIC.
It was far from perfect, however. I loved the first half—with Discord, Celestia, and Luna in the forest— but I found the second scene to be somewhat lacking. It was cool and all, but I dunno. I suppose it's because this is two different scenes that you threw together.
All in all, this story gave me the willies, and I love you for it.
Also:
Pfffft.
WELP DISCORD DONE IT AGAIN
3108482 Ah-ha! I KNEW the moment I stopped asking for it, my first comment would be a good comment!
Anyway, This is the most generous review I've received from you, and I'm glad to no end that you've taken time to see some faults. Though it's not without debatable points
. As you may know, I favor short sentences over long-winded ones. So long as important information is given, short sentences are usually my target. Long ones? *Sighs* sometimes I just have throw in a comma here and there to get the point across. But, of course, who doesn't?
And yes... the second scene. The one I was iffy about the most. One part of me said 'DO IT! DON'T CHANGE A THING!' Mainly because I kept the scenes as connected as possible. Tried to, anyway. The other part of me said, "YOU IDIOT! IT'S IN AN OC'S POV! NO ONE WILL LIKE THIS!'. Honestly, I can't tell at this point. Not until I get some details.
But, I enjoyed the hell out of writing it, so that counts for something, I suppose. Thank you for your review, my friend. I needed that!
Craine...
...
...
Now about these grammar errors...
3108662 Yes! Yes he did!
3110651
If I may:
Howzat?
I might go look for grammar errors too, but I'm a bit too tired for that right at this moment. For all I know, I might have imagined them the first time.
That was very sexy =w=...
All the evil Discord~ Delicious evil Discord -w-
3110740 I know! Stupid sexy Discord, and his stupid sexy evil!
3116599
That ruffian! That b-baka! ~blushhhhh~
You asked, I listened.
This... This is a good story, I think. Has a decent amount detail to it. That being said, you could have probably gone and expanded and detailed a few more things. Like the intro for instance. You kind of drop us into the story and give a bare hint what's going on.
Same goes for the action sequences and the creature he turns into.
The characters felt off, just a touch. Yes, they're fillies, but making Luna to be spineless just seems... Odd.
You could also given more info to why Celestia was so keen to see the creature/Discord.
And the mother, you could have done a bit more with her. Why was she so mad? What happened to the father? That kind of thing.
Discord was done quite well, I think. But, he's a bit of a quirky character.
Flow was pretty good as well, I was able to follow along quite well. Scene transition were done quite good as well.
Pacing could have been better. It was consistent, yes, but quick. Most likely from the details needed.
Well, that's all I got. Hope this helps!
~Skeeter The Lurker
3116945 Ah, yes! Thank you! Notes have been taken.
Things to do, things to do...
Not a review by any means, just a short opinion and some corrections/recommendations:
*Your
In professional writing there are never multiple end punctuations such as: !!, ?!?, !?!, ??, .. Except for '...' when used to indicate a paused or break in speech.
In professional writing full caps are not used, instead italics or bold alone are used.
But those are all grammatical and textual errors, aside from that, the dialogue flowed extremely well and seemed highly realistic and it helped the reader become more engrossed in the story.
Personally, I don't like the use of Lauren Faust's name or OC in writing, but I can recognize when it is used efficiently, another thing you did well.
The story itself was interesting as to the premise, however towards the end of the story the details and clarity did begin to wane, for this I would simply recommend going back and rereading it to see where it wouldn't make sense to the reader or where the wording is confusing/awkward.
Overall it was a good read. Liked
That is all. Equestria is ours.
Not perfect, but very underrated story, good job sir!