Luna has finally decided it is time to take an assistant. Just somepony to assist with paperwork, meetings, and a few other miscellaneous tasks. Soon after this decision is made she highers a shy stallion named Star Dasher. To Luna he was somewhat unique: he was like a male Fluttershy (without the soft animal-loving heart), he has a record of solving problems with ease, and in the opinion of previous employers is a "Spectacular friend, once past the shyness". She hires him and quickly takes a liking to him, even if he doesn't return return the feeling. Will he resist her or will he embrace her?
Chapters (5)
"interesting" * reclines in armchair * "go on."
I like it though I pretty much like every story. Nyapu nyapu!
3104822 I'm the same way I dis-like very few stories. i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/158/619/14381-fluttershy-yay.jpg
This story is littered with Gramatical mistakes... I would like to point than out but I am using an iPhone.... So I can't.
Orta cosa, he lost his glasses right? Wouldn't he be near blind as he said before?
Some grammar mistakes here and there, and you should probably stop writing new stories soon, because you already have a bunch of other unfinished ones you let lay for a long while.
But besides that Ima keep an eye out, I'm a sucker for these things (un)fortunately
3105201 It was explained that he could see within 20 or so meters. Do the measurements of the average bedroom...less than 20 meters lol.
3105259 I know. I made myself vow to make this the last new one. The time to either conclude, continue, or delete old ones is now. (Deletion is rare unless I feel the project is unsalvageable of course)
Moar!
3106224 Its coming. However if you take a look at my stories list only one is complete the rest are waiting for more chapters, so I may take time to work on other project down the road. However, for now full speed ahead!
Like the profile picture btw! :)
3105421 That's right, shortsighted. Sorry, that little fact was drowned in the ocean of grammatical mistakes.
Either that, or it was too early in the morning.
I like the idea but I really think that the story needs to slow down quite a bit.
3108414 I agree.
3113509 NMM?
3113509
3116137 Ah okay. I would have gone with NM Nightmare being a compound noun and all
3116314 I agree. Sense and normality are over rated.
Good concept but watch your pacing. I know that you have tons of super-special-awesome ideas in your head that are trying their best to burrow their way out and go ker-splat onto Microsoft Word but make the readers earn it! If you do that, the impact will be that much more meaningful. Also, I could be wrong but your main character feels like a self-insert. Don't get me wrong; its not a bad thing, just something I noticed. It's not uncommon and not bad and I'm certainly guilty of it from time to time but I have found that after tirelessly pouring over hundreds of stories from all over the damn place, keeping real-life from factoring too much into a story that focuses primarily on a single protagonist that bears a striking resemblance to many of the fans out there (trust me; I know) certainly doesn't hurt. Of course, I could be wrong and you could be drawing inspiration from anywhere else but I felt the need to offer a little friendly advice. Having said all that, I'm gonna fave and like this one because I'd like to see your work evolve and improve and such. It has potential and I adore Luna as well! I honestly like it and on that note, keep it up and I will continue to keep track with great interest.
Brooahhh! Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee! It's not as strong as methamphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth.
I'm liking where this is going.... If you know what I mean
OC, check
Black hair, red body, check
Both princesses fawning over him, check
A 'genius', check
I read all four chapters and while the writing is pretty good it's hard to shake the feeling that this is just another self insert OC living out your fantasies story. There are potentially some redeeming qualities to the character but without knowing you personally those could all just as easily be copies of your own personality/physiology.
What I found rather strange is that I couldn't find any mention of his cutie mark even after checking a second time.
But it seems quite a few people like your story so good luck with it all the same. It's just frustrating seeing a story that I read before this one with an original character design and excellent writing get a low rating while a story that is in my opinion inferior get a high rating.
3118270 Hmmm I suppose I use the variations of a same personality (they are usually not my own or a tweak of my own, aside from Seethe Master. I used myself as a basis fro him because I wanted to see if a self-insert could ever work and it did, sorta) because it's a tad easy. I should make a few more tweaks this time. I have no fantasies about ponies (aside from going the Equestria, because 'well why the frack not?') I simply like writing romance stories because its kinda fun.
Also...I forgot his cutie mark?
frack.
3116777 I suppose I tend to do a self insert by accident. Whenever I write or read I tend to sort of hear my own voice for the my any characters who well...don't have a voice other wise. For example, if I write Celestia's dialogue I generally try and think of Celestia's voice. When I write Seethe I tend to think of my own because otherwise he doesn't have one in my mind. (Because I've never heard it! So therefore default voice activated, lol)
I'll tweak Star Dasher's personality a bit more than I was planning. See what I can do with it, with out doing a re-write of some of the previous chapters and making you all go back and read them.
This is a wonderful story so far. I look forward to more.
As a friendly suggestion, you may want to consider a prereader and/or an editor. The writing and story is great, I just found some the the actual wording to fall flat at times. If you would like me to take a look, I would be happy to.
3121079 hmm yes. I'll do a bit of extra work on my end and possibly consider you for a pre-reader.
This is a good story, but longer chapters would be nice!
3181909 Agreed.
3181909 We shall see. I'll bump it up a thousand or so for the next chapter. School work, work, and my social life are bogging down my writing
I think you've got a great idea here, but I think a slower burn would be nice... It seems like you're ramping it up just a wee bit too fast there, and that's probably why people are crying "OMG SELF-INSERT/GARY STU" before the story's even that far underway. I'm not saying you should rewrite the story so far but a word of warning here - Luna has never met the guy before and they're not in a singles bar, so getting this flirty this quickly isn't taking it slow enough. A little friendly ribbing, well that's one thing, but asking him questions about romance this early in the story... that's a little too much too soon.
If you plan on making the character more different from yourself, I have a suggestion: Make him disagree with you, even on a fundamental belief. That way you have no choice but to detach yourself from him and make him a wholly separate literary entity, maybe even develop a little bit of contempt for him. Don't superimpose too many of your own preferences or beliefs onto him or else it's a recipe for disaster.
3410255 Ah thanks. I love these small corrections. Perfection may be impossible but that doesn't mean an author can't dream of being the perfect author.
3498178 Good to know
Coffee!
Coffee!
3503734 Coffee!