• Member Since 24th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Saturday

Applepip


Just your average pony nothing to see here!

T

After losing his home almost 2 millenia ago, Valder traveled the land of equestria seeking a life, But after all the years it never came to pass, So after hearing about all the strange and wonderful things that happen in Ponyville he jumped on the next train and headed there only that it turned out to be the biggest decision of his life and probley one he shouldn't have made.

Cover art Credits go to Dark_Kirara At Deviant art!!
Story re-edited by Patience.

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 39 )

First correction is story wide.... I'm not going to list them all as this comment would never end....
You have lower case "i"s when they should be uppercase...

Second, I'm sorry is also storywide.... You need to put some sort of punctuation at the ends of quotes, like here

"Ah so this is ponyville, Nice place, Quiet too"

You just need to add a comma to the end between too and the end quotes.... Like this...

"Ah so this is ponyville, Nice place, Quiet too,"

Third again story wide.... Some names I noticed weren't capitalized like Twilight's here,

"Is there something wrong twilight?"

But there are a few more....

I think your biggest problem is that you aren't using a word processing program (AKA Microsoft Word, or some other...) so you don't have spell check.... That or you do have Word or something and your trusting it to correct names such as Twilight, but since these words aren't considered names in the program it will not correct them for you...

Not a bad story at all you have something there... just keep working on it.... :pinkiehappy:

P.S. You might consider getting a pre-reader or editor to look at it before you post it.... Though it probably isn't such a big deal with this being your first story....

Have fun and Happy writing!!!

thanks thatbrony147 i have gone over the whole thing again for the seventh time, And i did find some of the areas you mentioned and i have changed some of the text to better fit the reaction or emotion the pony is doing at that time, However i really can't find anything else wrong with it now as i have looked at other works on site and they have been approved but the writing and grammer is much worse than mine but hey it can only get better lol, i might get to work on the next chapter now as it's probley going to be a long one as the complete story will be many chapters possibly over 12 or 15 XD

but thanks for the help

Nice story and i ask you to look at my story on fanfiction.net/s/9531352/1/the-return-of-the-prince

As most of you can see i have been writing and publishing chapters at quite a fast pace, its because when i have a chapter in my head i have to write it out, some times they just come to me and i have a huge habit of talking to myself while actin out what i'll write next lol, freaks people out at my work when i suddenly start to talk to myself XD but none the less you will find the next 2 chapters intreging.

Damn, talk about hitting the ground running....:rainbowderp:

i have said this is my first fan fiction but it's only half true it's my first for MLP but i have written fanfiction for star wars and star trek but i find it's easier to write in MLP universe than in the star trek universe, i don't know why but i can kick out 1 or 2 chapters every day or 2 but i have been writing a star trek fiction for 4 months now and i have barely got past chapter 6 lol.

Do I dare read the third paragraph?

Good for a first story but a lot of grammar errors are quite obvious.

"Ah so this is Ponyville, Nice place, Quiet too"

should be

"Ah, so this is Ponyville. Nice place; quiet too."

Just an example. "I" is a personal noun and should be capitalized. Same with names, like "Twilight". If you would like, I could edit for you. Or pre-read. Still, great go for a first try :pinkiehappy:

3131092. Ok read the entire story in ten minutes I give it four spikes out of five. :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:/:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

:trollestia:

LUNA, CELESTIA I am your father (VADER VOICE)

>>Nuggetmanu2

I knew it wouldn't take long lol, But i said there'd be sadness and tragedy and there was!

But keep reading it will get better.

Did I miss something? When did Shining Armor grow wings:rainbowhuh::derpyderp2:

>>Frostfiresnow

Ah wait till new chapter and you will find out, Remember when i said that he went to a platform with only his top men, no-one else was there!

Hey I so many stories I like are being updated today how lovely.

Ok so I'm going to be blunt, so I will aplogise in advance.
I read some of chapter 1 and the went straight to chapter 16 and found myself very, very dismayed when I found no improvements when it came to style and grammar. I could nit-pick and point out everything or even suggest taking some reinforcing English classes, because, quite frankly, it seems to me that English is your second language, but I'm not, instead I'm going to simply proof read these, and edit them for you. I don't know if it is a matter of pride or simply misunderstanding the idea of an editor, but you need one. I wil be back, probably in a couple of hours with a link to an edited version of this story, you can decide if you want my help from there.

>>Patience

ok first of all it's not my grammer it's microsoft words grammer as every, chapter has been run throught it apart from chapters 7 and 15 as i checked through them myself and found no need, so any grammer errors thats MS fault not mine, I admit some words i couldn't spell so i used google to help me correct them and if some dialogue or punctuation was not placed i'm sorry, but i have read some storys on this site and many have more mistakes and errors than mine has yet no-one has berated them as much as my story has, some have not even noticed, i know this is my first Fan fic for this site but i have spent 30 mins correcting each chapter after writing them, Only to be told it's still bad, On the far edge of things i find it quite insulting, Also i was born in the uk with english parents and my primary language is english however i am also cornish so maybe my writing is thrown off by that, but i have read through every chapter after completeing the stroy and i have found no evidence that it is as bad as you say, but please go ahead and edit it, but bewarned that some parts are written a specific way for a reason and not because i was crap at writing.

and just to add to my comment, I didn't use an editor because sometimes an editor can ruin the feel of a story by changing certain aspects, for example on the last chapter the first few sentences are written that way, Because the main character has just woken up after trama and his thoughts are racing through his head so the sentences are written short and fast, also i have found writing emotions can be difficult but i feel i have pulled it off quite well.

Comment posted by Twist of fate deleted Sep 8th, 2013

I really liked this fic:heart: and i hope it never ends so make more please pritty please.

Right well I finished the first chapter. I did it in three ways the first I edited it while I commented on each edit. Second will be that edit without the comments so you can copy and paste it. Finally the third edit is a complete modification. I used the most basic form of my own style to write it, but it's completely different. The third is an example. It's not perfect, no one can be perfect. Nor is it 'better' than what you wrote. It is different.

Background Pony
Sins of the Past
Anything by Wander-D
Anything by AthesteticB
All these fics have one thing in common, editors, some have more than one because it is important to see the story from n outsiders perspective.
Finally the editors purpose is simple: they edit. Usually they work in tandem with the writer to understand whats going on in their mind to help make the story more presentable and to fix errors and sew up inconsistancies and flaws of logic.

I am writing this on my phone so my aplogies for multiposting. Now you've mentioned that you haven't seen much bashing of other stories with grammar issues... be proud. I don't have many stories, and only one is on par with this story and I hate writing it. The people of this site have decided that your story is worth glazing past the errors and incontinentce (yes I did mean that word). They think it is a good story. Finally allof this is not in an effort to insult you. It is constructive take it in stride, I means people actually give a shit

thanks patience

yeah sorry about that i just have a bit of a wierd streak when it comes to writing, i kind of see it as a personal experince to entertain and when someone says it's bad i just slightly flip, but i would like to see your changes and see what you've done and maybe in the future you can edit other stories of mine, but yeah a second pair of eye's would be great.

I want to make a fan art for this piece, but I still don't know Valder's normal mane and tail colors/style. I would really be happy if you could tell us. I know he is white with no cutie mark, but the mane and tail are a mystery, on Valder's side. I know what Darkside looks like, so that will be fine. :heart:

3213364

if you mean the story itself then no as there will be two more stories based on this one, one will be a sequel and one will be a prequel.

so the story has a way to go yet before it's fully concluded

Dude, you have grammar issues. You need an editor, and stat.

This story... The text no longer melts my eyes... But the concept melts my brain...

I might just make a different story based off my own ideas of how to use Valder... Maybe... If I can be bothered that is.

3314052

if you want to use Valder you might have to wait until both Luna's nightmare and My next prequel to it are finished(name not giving as spoiler).

after that you can use him in a story if you wish as long as you acknowledge him as my creation.

if you do that then you have my consent.

3167055
ya when did that happen?:rainbowhuh:

Personally I don't see why Luna telling the truth is wrong. If anything as soon as he was better then they should have told him. Instead it looks like Celestia is playing games with him and making her sister go along with her ideas.

Comment posted by rikithemonk deleted Jul 18th, 2022

This felt very rushed and unplanned romance As if it was thrown in at the last minute. With no plot or development to back it up.

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