Equestria: A History Revealed

by Hoofry_Poneigher

Chapter 13: The Celestial Concert - The Three Point Plan

The Classical Era is commonly defined as the Golden Age of Equestrian history; the period when Equestria had achieved its greatest successes and growth. Of course, if I was forced to describe the Era using an atomic element, I would call it the Polonium Age instead. This supposed great age in Equestrian history only served to allow Celestia to fester her reign, and begin an eventual but definite degradation of the strengths of its former system, leaving Equestria to die a slow and painful death by radiation poisoning. Even in general terms, it could not be seen as a Golden Age in any sense of the word, as the Golden Age in the neighboring Griffon Kingdom two centuries later (which I had renamed from its former title, the Second Bloody Age) was able to kill way more of its own citizens than Celestia did.

With the establishment of leadership in Canterlot, Celestia wasted no time in planting the seeds needed for her reign. She quickly abolished all opposition parties and previous forms of government, placing her and her sister solely in charge.

Celestia quickly started to take control of knowledge and thought, the most powerful weapons against a newly constructed authoritarian reign. She banned the idea of republicanism, to prevent a possible resurgence of the idea, as well as the name of Discord. Her excuse for that was “to allow the public to forget the suffering of his reign as soon as possible”,[47] an excuse accepted by even the most acclaimed of historians. While sources say that Celestia did not forcefully enforce these rules, and that the citizens actually “willfully obeyed the words of their supposed god without question”,[48] such an explanation seems difficult to comprehend, and has the words “Celestia interference” all over it, like a pony who went overboard with the tattoo brander. If anything, she definitely had to have a secret police that she used to silence others, who would become the basis for her future military. Most likely known as the CWMFS (Celestia WaterMelon Friendship Surprise, or something like that), their existence was kept from history and only those in the upper echelon of Celestia’s government knew of it. But don’t ask how I got this confidential information. This kind of thing is on a “need-to-know” basis.[49]

Thanks to the actions of Celestia, through this system of knowledge-control, Discord was eventually forgotten with the passage of time and became a mythical legend, his name becoming littler more than a noun holding a negative connotation. Celestia even had the gall to place his statue in the Canterlot gardens (once ensuring nopony remembered who he was centuries later).

Celestia was most likely motivated to do this in order to allow all ponies to forget of his existence and the superiority of his rule. After all, the best way to destroy something is to make it forgotten by everypony, right? For as they say, “he who controls knowledge, controls the land of pastel-colored equines.”[50]

Of course, with Discord’s resurgence in late 2011, records and documents involving his rise to power were privately released to a select few universities and libraries, and academic interest in Discord (and by extension, the Equinus Republic) grew as a result.

Anyways, getting back to some of the other crap of the Classical Era, Celestia quickly began a process of rebirth and regrowth in Equestria to ensure the stability of her rule. Dubbed in history as “The Three Point Plan”, it supposedly restored Equestria to Pre-Discord levels of strength and eventually exceeded those past numbers in little more than two years. The Three Point Plan is accepted in history due to its meticulous keeping of records, the multitudes of sources that discuss and praise its success, and the fact that two of the ponies who saw to the plan’s triumph still live among us to this day. So you might think there’s no way to argue with this. Well, stupid things like “sources” and “evidence” haven’t stopped me before. So let’s dig through the bullshit and get to the real nuggets of the truth (any relation in these analogies is unintended).

“Beginning in 512, the Three Point Plan was a huge undertaking, in which every full grown, well-bodied citizen of Equestria was required to undergo hard labor to restore their towns and cities to their original glory. The nation reverted to a national emergency program in which twelve state-created zones would collect food and supplies from the population, and distribute the resources fairly to all ponies within their respective areas. Food and supplies would be provided by the hard work of Earth Ponies, who would also be responsible for rebuilding a majority of the buildings in their towns. Pegasi were also required to contribute to the rebuilding of cities and towns, as well as rebuilding their famed Cloud Cities. While lacking a true education system, some of the more logical unicorns were responsible for the general architecture, drawing up blueprints and plans for some of the more complex buildings, while the rest would assist in the general rebuilding effort through the use of their magic.”[51]

Well, well, well. It seems like earth ponies get the short end of the stick again, while the unicorns sit on their (if you can excuse the expression) high horse, and do jack-diddly squat. I promised myself that this essay wouldn’t have any unnecessary personal/racial biases in it, and I’m proud to say that I succeeded. Because all of the points I’ve made throughout this essay were not only necessary, they were neCESSary. Anyways, the main point of contention I have with this (other than that unicorn thing) is that the ponies would have no motivation to work. Ignoring all that stuff about repairing their broken lives and rebuilding their crippled nation (which are all pretty stupid reasons to work), what would they serve to gain from such free manual labor? Other than all of the stuff that I just mentioned. And the free food and supplies and stuff.

Secondary sources state that “the ponies felt an increase in national pride thanks to the power of their new rulers, and in order to please them, as well as their self-perceived need to restore national prestige under their new rulers, productivity in reconstruction increased tenfold. The morale of the workers increased even further in areas in which Celestia and Luna themselves made public visits and gave hopeful and impressive speeches. In the accounts of Mayor of Manehattan, Bloomberry,

‘It was almost as if [Celestia] was orchestrating a great concert; in which everypony stopped to listen. Her gentle, yet authoritative tone re-assured and entranced us all. There was no doubt in my mind that she was anything less than a goddess. And it gave us such hope. Such tremendous hope.’”[52]

Ugh. If your bullshit sense isn’t tingling by now, I strongly suggest you see a doctor and get a transplant to replace the pathetic lump of grey matter that you call a brain. And if you don’t have health insurance like me, just steal some of your homeless friend’s smart pills. They have a little smiley face and everything so you know it must be good stuff. And they put me into a pleasant little haze afterwards where I do things I don't remember, but always regret.

Drug induced comas aside, let’s analyze this the right way. My way. My theory is that under Celestia, the nation didn’t improve jack-squat. If anything, with Celestia’s introduction of a new currency, bitcoins, the nation collectively became poorer (at least in comparison to the former currency). And all that reconstruction and restoration of the infrastructure? Absolutely unnecessary. Under Discord, ponies were just fine living in anthills and mudholes[53] (at least the Earth Ponies were, for it wasn’t too different from what they were living in before) for a century, and Celestia’s work here can be seen as an auxiliary action that her administration augustly accomplished as an accessory attachment.[54] Yes, it was just a ploy by Celestia to make it seem that under her rule, ponies as a whole lived better. I mean sure, the life expectancy increased dramatically as a result of this,[55] but is that really a good thing? That just means more stupid unicorns and pegasi to deal with.

Other biased sources stated that thanks to the Three Point Plan, “Equestria’s recovery and rapid regrowth ensured its return back into a force to be reckoned with”,[56] with many drawing attention to the successes of new public works projects, such as an improved roads system, and the fact that they even had roads[57] at all. But most significantly, these biased sources have stated that under Celestia, during the rebirth, agriculture levels grew to an infinitely greater number than the levels under Discord. But this is impossible; nothing can be infinite. Except for Celestia’s plot, HEY-OHH! Joking Truth aside, even for hyperbole, for so many sources to simultaneously cite this as fact is a clear indication of Celestia’s alterations of history. Again, it seems like what these historians have in reputation, they lack in brains.

…A few of my trusted academic scholar colleagues[58] have politely reminded me just now that if agriculture under Discord was at a rate of zero, than it is indeed possible for any number to be infinitely greater than Discord Era levels. But I haven’t gotten to that chapter in my math book yet, so I’ll just ignore that. I’m probably still right anyways.

Comments

[Starburst Gleam]

I've seen plenty of stories with racist unicorns and pegasi, but I don't often see a racist earth pony (I'm assuming Loose Change is one here). Sometimes we have earth ponies who believe the Canterlot citizens are snobs. And there's always incidents similar to Bridle Gossip, but this is probably the first time I've seen an earth pony think unicorns and pegasi are flat out idiots.

[ZealousChristian24]

was able to kill way more of its own citizens than Celestia did.

Priorities, Loose-y, your's are messed-up!

[Stainless Steel Fox]

5314664 Try this one.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9160/a-great-and-powerful-heart

Personally, I've always gone with the Unicorn Supremacy Party ('One Horn to Rule Them All'), a hidden organisation that believes that unicorns are the master race because magic, and the fact they used to control the sun and moon. They sneak around at night, wearing white sheets that come to a point at their horns, and set fire to effigies of the sun and moon to symbolise their lost power outside earth pony and pegasus houses (the ones in pegasus gardens generally fall through the cloud pretty quickly, but it's the thought that counts.)

While I haven't actually used them in a story yet, they'd make fantastic villians.

[Pram the Oracle]

Oh my Celestia Crazy Larry corrected her.

IN MATH!