7. That Escalated Quickly
I woke up first and found Dash was still asleep, leaving me in control of her body. It took me a moment to shake off the after effects of the nightmare I had last night. It involved a large toy, Dash torturing me, and a dream about Soarin in the Wonderbolts’ locker room. It had been truly horrifying.
The sun started to shine through the window so I rolled over to shield my eyes. They began to focus on an object laying in the bed next to mine. The scent of sweat and shame radiated from the object and the sheets, and I slowly realized it hadn’t been a nightmare.
I angrily kicked off the sheets and jumped out of the bed. “No, this can’t be happening. It was a nightmare! I don’t like stallions—I’m a human!”
Last night’s memories came back to me; I remembered her warning and my final surrender. She intended to use shock and awe to force my good behavior, and it worked. I had to beg her for release and swear to behave myself.
What she’d done had been sinister, whether she intended it or not: she had violated me and made me enjoy it. Whichever part of my personality had scoffed at the notion of loving a stallion seemed a distant memory, now overwritten by Dash’s own desires. If I pissed her off again she might take another piece of me away, and I had to prevent that.
I recalled her mention of a hotel restaurant and thought of a way to show her what she had done to me. If I didn’t do this, she might not realize the horror of what she had done. With a smirk, I rummaged around her dresser and put on some saddlebags and a full pouch of bits.
The air was chilly and I was not sure how well I’d fly. Despite her being asleep, I felt confident I still had access to enough of her memories and flying experience. I took a leap of faith and luckily my fears proved unfounded. At least her skill at flying had rubbed off on me too, but it probably overwrote some part of my personality I hadn’t realized yet.
This whole mess was a disaster, and what I needed more than anything was some comfort food. At the very least, if she turned me into some stallion-loving vegetarian pony, I’d go out with one hell of a bang.
It wasn’t long before I trotted into the hotel and went to get some food. The chef who catered to Griffin guests worked here, and despite Dash’s warning not to eat meat, I could’ve really gone for some bacon right then.
“Good morning, miss. How many in your party?” a waiter asked.
I approached his booth at the entrance to the restaurant. “You cater to Griffins here, right?”
“Yes, miss. They have separate seating so you won’t have to see them eating anything unsavory.”
“On the contrary, take me to a corner booth in the Griffin section. I’ve got a craving for pork.”
The Earth pony frowned and raised an eyebrow. “I uh, well. . . okay, miss. Right this way.” I followed him in and he soon gestured to a door on the right. “Right through here a Griffin waiter will see to your needs.”
“Thanks,” I looked at his name badge, “Fertile Soil. Wow, what a lame name.”
He scoffed and shook his head. “Says Rainbow Dash before she eats meat. And I thought you were just a fillyfooler. When I tell my friends about this, they won’t believe me.”
“That’s the spirit! You’ve got to nurture that sarcasm and let it bloom into a beautiful, uh. . . tree of sarcasm or something. Look, just make like a tree and leaf.”
I pushed through the door, not waiting for his response as I frankly wasn’t in the mood.
“Good morning, miss. I’m Clyde and I believe you’re in the wrong section. The pony area—”
“Nope, I have unique dietary requirements. Corner booth, please.”
“As you wish.” He led me over to a booth and I took a seat. “Would you like a menu?”
“No thanks, Clyde. Just bring me a steak, and make it snappy.”
He looked a tad confused until I pulled out my bit purse, which was stuffed, and set it on the table. “At once, miss.”
I pondered if I should wake Dash up yet or wait for the main course. I thought that if I could repay her in kind, by giving her a taste for meat, perhaps she would understand where I was coming from. Our back and forth war needed to end. She would never comprehend what it feels like to lose a piece of her personality, her identity, unless I showed her first hand. And I knew for certain that I did not want to risk any more of her personality infecting me.
Part of me really missed my cell phone. It had several games to keep me busy and I began to wonder how ponies made it through the day without going insane. I hadn’t seen any T.V.s yet, or portable gaming devices. That’s not to say they don’t exist, but I still haven’t figured out how Dash’s flying cloud house gets its electricity. I’m not about to ask where they get their cable, or whether they have internet. With my luck, I’ll get another answer involving Pinkie Pie.
The Griffin came back carrying a plate on his wing. He set it down expertly before me and also gave me a glass of water. “If you need anything els—”
“What the fuck is this?!” I said in disgust.
The Griffin’s eyes went wide and he took a step backwards. “It’s, uh. . . cow. You said you wanted the house steak!”
“Of course I did, you idiot! And this isn’t a steak, this—” I jabbed a hoof into it. “Thing. . . well it’s definitely not a steak!”
Before me on the plate was a small cut of meat, perhaps a six ounce slice of beef. It looked an odd greyish-brown, clearly freezer burnt, and had been charred by an unskilled chef. Then again, I’d never had a steak in Equestria so I didn’t know how they got or prepared them.
“I’m sorry, miss, if it’s not to your satisfaction I can have them make it again. But you’re sure you want meat?”
I sighed. “Yes, I’m sure, and I don’t want another steak. Take this back and bring me all your bacon and eggs.”
“At once.” The Griffin lifted the plate up and began to walk away.
“Hey!” I shouted. He turned around to face me. “Just to make sure we’re clear, when I say bring me all of your bacon and eggs, I mean all of them. And some orange juice.” I fished a few bits out and slid them over towards him with a hoof.
“Yes, ma’am.” He took the bits and hurried back to the kitchen. It wasn’t long before the aroma of half a pig sizzling on a grill reached me. It smelt heavenly.
[Oh, what’s that lovely smell? Are you cooking me breakfast, Don?]
Not exactly, but I am going to give you a breakfast you’ll never forget.
[What do you mean? Where are we?]
We’re at the hotel that caters to Griffins, and you and I are going to have a little chat, as adults.
[Wait, the place that serves meat?]
The one and only.
[Dude, cut this shit out or I’ll repeat last night!]
No! You will never violate me like that again, just like I won’t violate you again. What you did to me stole a piece of my personality. It damaged me, Dash. Our goal is to fix this, not make it worse in this pointless power struggle.
[What do you mean? I. . . hurt you?]
Yes. I know what I did to you in the bath was wrong. I invaded your personal space. You’ve always been a mare, so it was natural for you to react the way you did. I’ve always been a human male, and what you did to me. . . I just couldn’t cope.
[You enjoyed it. I mean, at the end. . . I could read your thoughts.]
And that’s the problem. I enjoyed your little fantasy about Soarin while you got your revenge on me. You took the part of me that liked human women, and replaced it with a desire to have Soarin mount me. I’m horrified that in my mind I now feel more strongly for Soarin than I do for any of the girlfriends I had as a human. You robbed me of part of my humanity, replacing it with a desire to get bucked by a stallion. See why I’m upset?
[Wow. I. . . don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, but I don’t think just saying that is enough. What I did was really rotten, and if there is any way I can make it up to you, I will.]
There is a way you can make it up to me. I need to make you understand the hell you’ve put me through. Granted, I’ve made you uncomfortable but I haven’t made you lose a piece of yourself.
[What? So you’re going to go eye for an eye? I thought we were past this whole personal war.]
We are, and that’s why all I’m gonna do is enjoy some bacon and eggs to cheer myself up. In the same way you made me like salad, I’m going to make you like bacon. It should be harmless enough, just a little bacon, but you’ll find yourself wanting bacon despite knowing it’s wrong.
[But I. . . okay.]
Okay?
[Yeah. I deserve it. I didn’t know what it’d do to you, but that’s no excuse. If this makes us even then I accept. You can. . . eat meat.]
I could sense her discomfort at the thought, her hesitation to give in. Dash also felt genuine sorrow, and she couldn’t hide that fact from me. We had grown so close I could sense all her emotions.
Ugh, I can’t do this to you. It was a stupid idea.
[No, it’s okay. Please, all I thought about was myself; how inconvenient this mess is for me, how this messes up my dreams, my relationships. I haven’t stopped to think about you, Don. Nearly two days now you’ve been stuck here, struggling to cope and I kept punishing you, even though we’re both victims here.]
My brain struggled to understand this turn of events. Dash and I had been butting heads since the start of this mess, and now she seemed ready to put our differences aside. She even offered to let me eat meat just to cheer me up.
The griffin walked over balancing several plates on his back. He began to set down at least a dozen fried eggs, some scrambled ones, and others poached. All that was topped off with two plates full of bacon.
I can’t, now I feel like the asshole.
[Hey, we’ve both been assholes. Look, this’ll cheer you up and I think I can resist the temptation of eating meat in the future. That’s nothing compared to constantly being horny for the wrong gender, and I’m truly sorry for that.]
I’m sorry too, for this whole mess. I just thought if I kept denying it and laughing at the absurdity it’d go away.
[Let’s just make the best of it going forward. Besides, I’d be lying to say I’ve never been curious myself. . .]
Wait, you’re curious what meat tastes like? Haha, wow, and I felt weird for wanting to play in the bathtub.
[Hey, just because I’m a pony doesn’t mean I never wondered about it. Just hurry up already, that smell is driving me crazy.]
I noticed myself drooling and wiped my chin, a trail of saliva sticking to my hoof as I pulled it away. The Griffin waiter was watching from a respectful distance to see what the mad mare he just served bacon to would do.
With a large smile, I took a hoof full of bacon and shoved it in my mouth. Immediately I was in nirvana. The grease from the grill was quick to spread over my tongue, with just the right amount of grit. I sucked on the bacon, draining the grease from my mouth.
I began to chew it and found that it was just crunchy enough to work with my large flat teeth. More of the juices were released from the bacon and the slightly salty flavors of pork were enough to make me tremble. It felt like I’d never eaten bacon before.
[Whoa. . . it’s. . . amazing. You used to eat this all the time?]
Hell yeah.
[You think they. . . hurt the pig when they kill it?]
I grabbed a fork and began shoveling fried eggs into my mouth. The yolk dripped out of my lips and began to stain the cyan fur. The look of shock on the waiter made it all worthwhile as I wiped the yolk off my face with half a dozen strips of bacon, then ate them.
Honestly? I don’t know. Even on my planet eating animals for food still has some opposition, but for an omnivore it’s just part of life.
[Your memories. . . they’re almost invading me. I can almost recall what a double cheeseburger tastes like. It—wow.]
The scrambled eggs vanished rapidly under the assault of my fork. I drank half the orange juice and got back to work.
You okay?
[Yeah, it’s strange. I didn’t really want you to eat it, but now, I really want you to finish it all and order more. It’s. . . frightening.]
Yeah, I don’t know what’s happening to us, but the concept of losing my identity scares the hell out of me, and it should scare you too. We need to work together to fix this.
[You’re right, I don’t want to lose my awesomeness either.]
I quickly finished the poached eggs, focusing more on them than the bacon. Ponies do eat eggs, and occasionally fish, so I felt less guilty about it.
[Come on, finish that bacon. It’s amazing!]
I frowned. I can’t do that to you, I’ve made my point. I don’t want to turn you into some sort of cannibal. . . or carnivore or whatever you call a vegetarian that eats meat.
[Pleeeeaaaasssseeee!]
Her pleading quickly overpowered my feeble resistance. This may have been the first time—and last—I was ever going to eat meat in Equestria and I couldn’t resist. I finished off the last plate of bacon, savoring every moment and searching out every nuance in the flavor.
Come on, we’ve got to go check in with Twilight about the whole Crystal Empire mess.
[Wait, we can get some bacon to go, right? Just a little more?]
No, Dash, I’m cutting you off for your own good. There will be no more meat for us.
[Come on, please? Just a little more! Pleeeeaaaasssseeee—]
No, Dash. God, you’re worse than me in the locker room dream.
[Wait, you were in my dream with me? Oh Celestia. . . you saw that thing I did with the weather vane. . .]
Yeah. I, uh. . . let’s never talk about that dream again, okay?
Clyde delivered our check and I left fifty-five bits on the table to pay for the meal and his tip. On my way out, I smiled to the Earth pony waiter and exhaled a large bacon-scented breath at his face. He cringed back from the offensive odor.
[Hey, so we’re cool now, right?]
Yeah. I mean, I’m still gonna be a smart-ass, I don’t think I can turn that off. But, uh, you and your friends are safe from my idle hooves.
[Heh, thanks. So, you still want to go pranking? I mean, like, we could do some normal pony things to cheer you up.]
Let’s see what Twilight has planned first. After that we can go do something.
Her sudden shift to positivity scared me a little. Women were hard enough to read on Earth, and it hadn’t gotten any easier now that I had seen into one’s mind. Still, she left me no choice but to accept her newfound positivity. We hadn’t even made it halfway to the library when I felt myself recede into her mind.
Dash nearly tripped as she regained control, not fully expecting it. She looked back at the hotel almost longingly, but thankfully continued towards the library.
[Hey, Dash, doesn’t that seem pretty quick for us to switch? I was barely in control two hours.]
What can you do? We have no control over the switch, unless you let Pinkie near us with a frying pan again.
[Yeah, not going to happen.]
Speaking of Pinkie, I never admitted this but that whole freak-out at the party was pretty hilarious. You’ve got a future as a prankster, Dude.
[We can discuss pranks later. I’m just glad this whole war between us is over.]
Dash had reached the library and pushed the door open. She walked inside and found Twilight hovering a list and quill in the air, dutifully packing supplies for a trip to the Crystal Empire.
“Hey, egghead, what’d Celestia say?” Dash asked.
Twilight didn’t bother to look away from her checklist. “She’ll meet us in the Crystal Empire. Given your. . . current condition, she thinks it is best that if you do go, she’ll be there to examine you.”
“Cool, I guess. Do you need me or can I go take a nap until the train leaves?”
“I don’t need—oh wait, I’m supposed to check you each day so I can track whether your mental health is declining. Celestia suggested it,” Twilight explained.
“Uh, it doesn’t involve needles, does it?”
Twilight put the list away and came over, stopping a few feet in front of Dash. “Not at all, just a quick scan to compare to yesterday.”
Her horn began to glow and surrounded us in a purple glow. Like the first time she scanned us, it seemed as though I could feel her inside Dash’s brain with me. It was a tingling presence that seemed to trace routes around and examine us on a different level. I still didn’t understand how magic was capable of such astounding feats, nor did I think I’d want to know. It had likely just left me frustrated and confused.
“Hmm, fascinating. There has been some change since the last scan.”
Dash looked away nervously. “I, uh. . . don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean that you two seem to have grown a little closer. Have you lost any memories?”
“Well, Don said he forgot who his parents are but that’s no biggy. I mean, he probably was just stressed out,” Dash stated.
[Wait, I remember who my parents are. They’re Spectrum and Misty, they live in Cloudsdale.]
“I take that back,” Dash corrected. “He remembers my parents.”
“Oh, this isn’t good.” Twilight began scanning us again. “Dash, how did we meet?”
“Hah, that’s an easy one, Twi. It was when Nightmare Moon invaded the Summer Sun Celebration. You just showed up out of nowhere and confronted her, so I followed you to the library because I thought you were a spy.”
She frowned and I felt Dash’s hooves lift off the ground. Twilight levitated us over to the sofa and sat us down. “Dash, we met when I came to check on the weather. You were taking a nap and hadn’t cleared the sky. You bet me you could clear the sky in ten seconds flat.”
“Heh, sounds like me, but that didn’t happen. I first met you at the festival.”
“Alright, then tell me who won the last running of the leaves.”
Dash smiled and leaned forward. “That’s easy! I always beat AJ in that race.”
“You tied, Dash, for last. I beat both of you.”
Dash broke up laughing and fell over on the coach. I was apparently missing the joke as I watched her cracking up. After a minute, she managed to compose herself. “You. . . beat me? At a race? Bwahahaha!”
“It’s true! Aren’t you worried that you’ll forget something important? Like how to fly or who Applejack is?”
Dash stopped laughing and her face lost all emotion. Her eyes narrowed and she frowned slightly. “Wait, who is Applejack?”
Twilight gasped and her eyes went wide. “I—oh, this is bad.”
“I was kidding!” Another fit of laughter began as the furious alicorn stomped her hooves.
[Hah, nice one.]
“This isn’t funny, Dash! Sure, they’re little things now, but what happens when you really do forget about us?”
[Yeah, Dash. Joking aside, we really need to get in front of this thing and fix it.]
I guess you’re right. After all, the sooner we fix this, the sooner I can get back to Earth.
[Dammit, Dash! Stop joking around. I’m the human. I’m from Earth!]
I uh. . . yeah, I guess you’re right. Wow, why was I thinking that?
[You need to admit this to Twilight, tell her everything. I think we’ve really fucked up here.]
No, I’m sure it was just a brain fart. We’ll be fine.
[Please, Dash, she can’t help us if you don’t tell her the truth.]
Ugh, fine.
“Twilight, I, uh. . . it’s been getting worse. Just a second ago I was bickering with Don, and I thought I was the human. . .”
Twilight paced around for a moment trying to figure out what to do. “Hmm, the Element of Loyalty didn’t trigger and we don’t know much about them. Why don’t they protect the bearer? You can’t have harmony if a bearer loses their mind. Then again, they are just conduits for the Elements of Harmony to tap into a greater, poorly-understood power.”
“So you can just cast a spell to fix my memories, right?” Dash asked.
“Celestia pointed out that the spell I used to restore your memories after Discord’s escape would work again to restore your memories, except. . .”
“Except what?”
Twilight looked back, her eyes averting our gaze. “If I restore memories of your life to you, Dash, I’d be imprinting them over Don as well. I could save your memories, here and now, if I basically erased all of Don’s.”
“No!” Dash shouted.
[Crap, the only way she can fix us is to kill me?]
No, I won’t let that happen. There’s no way I could live with myself. I, uh. . . well, I’m the Element of Loyalty and you’re as much a friend to me as anypony else. And I never abandon a friend.
[Thanks, that’s actually the nicest thing you’ve said to me since I got here.]
“Dash, if we can’t fix it another way, eventually I’ll have no choice. . . Celestia was kind enough to show me how to restore your memories in case it comes to that.”
Dash got off the couch and walked up to her, staring her in the eye. “I. Said. No.”
“Look, I’m not saying I’m gonna do it right now! But we need that option on the table, just in case the other plans fail. Why are you suddenly more concerned for him than your own life and that of the Elements? Weren’t you saying earlier what an ‘asshole’ he was?”
Dash let out a long sigh. “Yeah, but we’ve both made mistakes and he’s a part of me now, a friend. And even if I don’t like his attitude, he deserves no less than anyone else that’s a friend.”
“What kind of mistakes?” Twilight asked.
“Huh?” Dash said, tilting her head.
“You said you’ve made mistakes—what kind? Could they have caused any memory leakage or even changed any personality traits?”
Oh god, I can’t tell her about what I did last night. . .
[I think you have to. After all, you keep saying ‘god’ instead of ‘Celestia’ and ‘anyone’ instead of ‘anypony’. Whatever did this to us is insidious, robbing us so slowly of our identity that we don’t notice it. In fact, if we hadn’t made mistakes and accelerated the process, we might not have noticed it at all. I think our bickering made us realize the seriousness of our situation.]
Well, I trust you if. . . you really want her to know about last night.
[I. . . it’s for the best.]
“Twilight, I’m about to tell you some very private things about myself and Don, and you have to Pinkie Promise not to tell anyone—anypony!”
She smiled. “Dash, I cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. I wouldn’t betray your trust. After all, that’s the fastest way to lose a friend.”
“Forever!” a voice shouted in the distance loud enough to be heard in the library.
[The hell?]
Pinkie Pie.
[Enough said.]
I basically twiddled my imaginary thumbs in Dash’s head as she explained the true events of the past two days to Twilight. Everything, from the bath to the bacon, the cynicism and pranks, even some of the less savory thoughts I’d had. To be fair, it wasn’t my fault I watched that Saw movie marathon right before I got pulled to Equestria. There wasn’t anything else good on T.V. and I was bored.
“I see.” Twilight began chewing on her lip, which I interpreted as a bad sign. She was usually composed and seemed to know exactly what to do. “I’m disappointed in both of you. Did either of you stop to think about your loved ones? You acted like fillies in a schoolyard fight and could have both died! What do you have to say for yourselves?”
“We’re sorry, Twilight.” Dash looked down at her hooves, slowly rubbing them together. Being scolded by the pony with the best odds of getting me home for acting like a child throwing a tantrum felt horrible.
“Well, Dash, make sure you don’t have any more highly-charged emotional situations or. . . meat, again. I would have to hypothesize that the stronger the shared emotion, the more powerful the connection formed. Each time your two personalities connect and merge it’ll be harder to undo this mess, not to mention you may leave me with no choice but to—”
“No! Even if it comes to that, you have to let me die. I’m not gonna live if it means you killed Don.”
[Dash, I’ve done nothing to deserve your loyalty. . . just drop it.]
No, it’s like I said. This whole time I only cared about myself and not you. That changes now: if we can’t both go back to normal, then neither of us will.
Dash repeated this sentiment to Twilight as I felt a rush of emotion. I was so humbled that someone I barely knew, someone who I had tormented, would stand up for me. If all ponies had this potential for good in them, then this truly wasn’t such a bad place to be stranded.
“Okay, okay, I yield. Dash, I won’t use that spell, but please. . . if it comes down to it, I don’t know if I can let you die,” Twilight said. She had begun to cry slowly, letting two tears slide down her cheeks.
“Hey, we won’t let it come to that. If anypony in Equestria can fix this mess it’s you.”
Dash grabbed Twilight and hugged her, and soon I could feel them each crying into the other’s shoulder.
[Come on, enough with the mushy stuff. Aren’t you too cool for that?]
Dash separated Twilight from her. “So, what do we do now?”
“Well, I packed for you. Just enjoy the afternoon, get lunch, and come back. Our train departs at six for the Crystal Empire.”
The two said their goodbyes and Dash headed out the door into the midday sun. I noticed how quickly time seemed to fly around here. Perhaps they had a shorter day than twenty-four hours, or perhaps the constant body swapping screwed with my sense of time. I’d barely seen any clocks, and nopony wore a watch. I was amazed anyone could keep track of time without one.
“Dash, you going to stand here all day?” I asked out loud.
[You got control back a minute ago, Dude.]
Oh, sorry, Dash. I zoned out for a moment.
[Yeah, well this rapid switching is going to get annoying fast if it keeps up.]
It sure is nice to stretch my legs after being in your head for a few hours. . .
I set off towards her house and was about to take off when I heard someone call our name.
“Dash!”
I turned around, recognizing the voice but dreading the ensuing awkward conversation. Sure enough, there he was. “Hi, Soarin.”
[Oh no! Please, Don! Play it cool! Tell him his mane looks nice. . . No wait! He looks, uh. . . sweaty. Ask if he did an awesome new stunt! Wait, maybe—]
I did my best to ignore her as I dealt with the issue at hoof. There was a pony trotting towards me who was the embodiment of last night’s nightmare. Yet I couldn’t help but feel I owed Dash a fair shot with him after the way I’d ruined their date. “Sorry about the other night. I was just caught off guard.”
“Look, Dash, I’m sorry too for leaving. And I just want you to know it’s okay if you’re not into stallions. We can still be friends,” Soarin said.
[Kill me now! My life is over! HELP! Somepony, I’m doomed!]
I choked on my breath as I inhaled and heard the line ‘not into stallions’. Dash was nearly mad with lust for this stallion, and he thought I punched him in the face because I was a lesbian. “Soarin, that’s not what this is about.”
“It’s cool. We have a few on the team and I could set you up—”
[Help me, Don! Do something!]
“Soarin.” I grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes, speaking softly enough other ponies wouldn’t hear. “This has to do with the Crystal Empire being abandoned, and something is affecting us Elements. I’m in heat and trust me, I’m no fillyfooler. I spent all night last night fantasizing about you strapping me down to a bench in the Wonderbolts locker room and ravishing me. I. Want. You.”
Soarin just stood there with his mouth agape, and eyes wide in disbelief. His mouth opened and closed like a fish for a moment, and I took a step back.
While I cringed at the words I’d just uttered to save Dash’s relationship, I caught sight of something else underneath him. It was horrifying, but I couldn’t look away.
[Oh. My. God.]
I shook my head, finally managing to look away. “Tell you what, uh. . . how about we get lunch someplace normal. After I get back from the Crystal Empire you can. . . do your thing, or something, you know? I’m sure I’ll be right as rain by then.”
“I. . .” Soarin still stood there speechless at my proclamation.
“Come on, champ.” I bumped into him and pushed him towards a nearby restaurant where he could sit down and regain some of his decency. He fumbled along, finally regaining his composure to realize how exposed he was and took a seat at an outside table. I went to the other side and sat down.
“Wow, I’d heard you’re blunt but that takes the pie,” Soarin stated.
“Yeah, and you better keep that between us, or you won’t get any ‘pie’, capisce? “
“Yes, ma’am.”
I groaned. “And cut that crap, my name is Do—Dash, not ma’am.”
“So you really do like me and it was just something to do with the Elements?” Soarin asked.
“Yeah, I swear they’re like a curse. Always screwing stuff up,” I explained.
[Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you so much, Don! You totally saved my ass back there!]
Hey, that’s what frenemies are for, right?
[Frenemies?]
You know, friendly enemies. . . since we’re still sort of all mixed up and generally stuck in this snafu.
[Haha, I get it. But, thanks. You wanna invite him back to my place after lunch?]
Don’t push your luck.
[Sorry.]
I shifted around in the chair, trying to get comfortable and praying to Celestia he couldn’t smell my excitement. Being a mare really sucked, and I wondered if women back on Earth ever felt this way around a handsome guy. I really hoped to never find out.
“Dash, you wanted a salad, right?” Soarin asked.
“Huh?” I looked down in front of me and saw a salad full of green vegetables, and the occasional colorful fruit to lull me into a false sense of security.
“You were sorta zoned out or something. I figured it must be that whole Elements thing you mentioned, so I ordered for you.”
“Thanks, Soarin. You’re too kind.” I leaned over and bit into the middle of the salad, coming up with a large mouthful of the leafy greens.
This sucks.
[Didn’t you say you like the taste now?]
That’s just it, they’re supposed to taste bad! Ugh, now I’m gonna wind up eating salad all the time.
[Isn’t that a good thing? It’s healthy, right?]
Yeah, but that means I’ll have less room for meat in my stomach. Why eat the vegetables when I can eat the animal that ate them?
[Heh, you’re so weird.]
“So, Soarin, practiced any new stunts lately?” I asked.
“Well, we did invent a new triple-helix maneuver where two inverted ponies—”
I started nodding my head and saying ‘ahuh’ at regular intervals. Everything he was talking about was beyond me, and I only had a vague image in my head of what he meant. Meanwhile, I could tell Dash was hanging off every single word as she was perfectly silent. She really had something for this pony.
“—with a barrel roll as the fireworks go off. Spitfire was going to be lead pony at the next show, but during practice she took a firework to the knee. Now I’ll get to be lead pony and she’ll be wing pony. You should come see it.”
“Ahuh,” I said.
“You mean you’ll come?” Soarin tilted his head.
I snapped out of my haze, wiping the messy remains of a salad and dressing from my mouth. “Yeah, I’ll come to your airshow. When is it?”
“Tomorrow night, in Canterlot.”
I frowned and shook my head. “We’re headed to the Crystal Empire tonight. I’m not sure we’ll be back in time.”
“Oh, okay.” Soarin looked down, slightly dejected.
“Hey, you better not be thinking of finding another mare or I’ll kick your flank! When I get back here, you better be ready for the ride of your life as thanks for your patience!” I exclaimed. Several ponies from nearby tables heard what I said.
Oh my god, did I really just say that?
[Omigosh omigosh omigosh! Yes, you did! You’re so awesome! I’m finally gonna score!]
What? No! Not while I’m riding shotgun!
“Anyway, I’m supposed to pack and stuff so I better get going.” I stood up and got ready to leave by placing a few bits on the table.
[Give him a kiss goodbye! Give him a kiss!]
Come on. . . after last time? No thanks. This whole lunch has confused the hell out of me.
[Please, just one!]
I could hear the pleading in her voice and grit my teeth. I walked around the table to him. Soarin glanced down and back up at me. “Dash, I uh. . . am going to stay for dessert.” He smiled and remained seated.
“Alright, I just. . .” I took a deep breath and steeled my resolve. One quick peck, for Dash. “I just wanted to give you a kiss goodbye, for luck. Not that I need it! I mean, what could possibly go wrong in the Crystal—”
I was interrupted as he leaned forward and pushed his lips against mine, catching me off-guard. I stopped my hoof that had traveled halfway to his face to knock him out, and froze in place. His lips were warm and pressed firmly against mine, causing a pleasant tingling sensation.
He broke the kiss and leaned back. “Thanks, Dash. Good luck in—”
My foreleg was still in mid-air, and I stepped forward, grabbing onto him. The words died on his lips as I tilted my head and wrapped both hooves around his neck. My tongue reached into his mouth as he gasped. I began to swirl my tongue around his, savoring the sweet taste of salad dressing and saliva in his mouth.
I held him there for a minute, enjoying the rush of warmth and excitement. There was a pleasant feeling of a shared bond between us. When I came up for air with a loopy smile on my face, I realized what I had done.
I had just made out with Soarin, by choice.
“So yeah, gotta fly!” I turned around and took off towards Dash’s house as fast as I could.
[So awesome! Don, I was wrong all along, you’re totally the most awesome person ever!]
Not now, Dash!
[And the way you kissed him—]
Shut the fuck up! I just kissed a stallion!
[. . .]
I reached the house, ran up to her room, and jumped on the bed. I crawled under the blankets and resisted the urge to curl up in a ball and cry.
I’m still a man, dammit. Don’t cry!
[Don. . . I’m sorry. Look, I know Soarin is a sore subject, but what you did for me was really sweet. Thank you.]
You’re welcome.
I laid there, curled up and holding back tears. There I remained, safely hidden from the world, until I fell asleep. All my worries about the loss of my identity faded as I let blackness close in and whisk me away. I began to dream of my life back home on Earth. For that one blissful nap I dreamt I was at my job in the hospital. I was bored, and there were no good patients to treat. At one point, I lost my pants and my co-workers laughed at me.
Still, that brief dream felt like a memory of something I had lost long ago. It was bittersweet—both a blessing and a reminder of all I had lost.
By the time I woke up, Dash had already prepared for our trip to the Crystal Empire. It was very disconcerting to know another person could go do stuff with your body while you were asleep. On the bright side, she had likely done all the packing and dropped anything she wanted off with Twilight.
Right now, she was knocking on a familiar door. Sure enough, Scootaloo opened it seconds later.
“Dash? Or is it,” Scootaloo glanced behind her to make sure her parents wouldn’t hear, “Don?”
“It’s me, Dash.” Dash pulled her in for a quick hug. “Listen, I’ve got to go to the Crystal Empire on important business and I need you to watch Tank for me. Can you handle that, Squirt?”
“Of course I can! Why, it’ll be like the time we helped Spike pet-sit,” Scootaloo said.
“Wait, when was that?” Dash asked.
“Oh, I forgot we weren’t supposed to mention that. It was when you went for the Equestrian Games and Spike was supposed to watch the pets, but really he just wanted to eat a cake or something. He paid us a gem to watch the pets and we got this awesome industrial strength blow dryer!”
[These kids could really use some adult supervision.]
“Heh, sounds like another normal day for the Crusaders. So, you can handle one turtle right? Anything happens to him, and you’ll answer to me, Squirt!”
Dash grabbed her and began to give her a noogie in her mane. As she rubbed the hoof in, Scootaloo squirmed and giggled beneath the assault. “Stop it, Dash!”
The laughter faded and Dash pulled off her saddlebags, which matched her cutie mark. Tank was inside one of the bags with his head poking out. “Here ya go, Squirt.”
“So, they’re gonna fix you at the Crystal Empire?”
“No, Squirt, this is something different. But when we get back, Twilight will think of something.”
“I wish I could help, but I can’t, unless. . .” Scootaloo’s eyes went wide in delight. “The Crusaders might be able to figure out how to fix you!”
“Hey, don’t do anything reckless while I’m gone.”
“I won’t!” She smiled and lifted the bags up and set them inside the house. Scootaloo returned to the door. “Bye, Dash. Oh, and Don, you better not let anything bad happen to her or I’ll never forgive you!”
“Hey! Don is the one who needs me to protect him! Now get going you little rascal.”
Scootaloo chuckled and closed the door. Dash then flew towards the train station, where Twilight and the other girls should be waiting with our luggage.
[That filly is too cute. At this rate I’ll be begging to stay in Equestria just to keep an eye on her.]
That’d be quite a sight. Could you imagine something so ridiculous as a human in Equestria? I mean, big, hairless apes walking around, using their fingers to rub our bellies? Hahahaha.
[Yeah, quite a sight indeed.]
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Now you're just spoiling me.
Moonlight this morning.
Just read Asylum's new chapter
Now this?
I love all of you guys
Huh. I'm really interested on what the ending of this story will be.
Aww... I hit the author's note before I counted ten million words.
What is WRONG with you? Now I have to do the patient thing, and wait...
And I said to Tony, ten outa teeeeen
I'm hoping that this ends without one or both of them dying.
If their minds merge completely, then they would both effectively die and a "child" of theirs would be created (a la Tuvix). Pretty big downer of an ending.
If only one of them dies and the other gets restored completely (ex: Don dies but Twilight successfully restores Rainbow Dash's memories), that would still be a downer ending but less so than the first possibility. If only one of them dies and the other doesn't get restored completely, that would also be an even worse outcome than the previous possibility, but still preferable to the first.
Now, there's no Tragedy tag so there is still the possibility of a happy ending, but the Dark tag is still rather worrying. As is the fact that I know that you have written at least one other story involving mental shenanigans like this and it had a serious downer ending.
Best possible ending: Both of them survive, get successfully separated, and each get their missing/overwritten memories restored.
Worst possible ending: Both of them die via merge, new being is created at the cost of the lives of both Dash and Dan.
I'm rooting for the former, but... Well, it's going to be the latter, isn't it? Goddamn it.
I saw that Skyrim reference you put there. Firework to the knee...
Yay! They're finally working together (I don't know why this makes me so damned happy)
Great story man! i love it keep going, but i think how cool would it be if they found a body for don, a pony body, that would be awesome.
I figured there'd be consequences for what the two have been going back and forth with, glad to see that they were proportionately dire.
Don't mind me, just going to high five all HiE stories...
In the face…
With a chair...
And THAT is how I understood the last 2 sentences...
Looks like Rainbow Don is coming.. lol get it?.... because Rainbow DASH and DON and the Ds..... no?
Silly HiE joke.
Epic
Just finished reading the chapter.
Finally, they can get along.
I feel kinda bad for Don, losing his memories...
However, the plot must go on!
)
(Don might not want that, though
:bacon:
3220652
I know the feeling...
Wow, I got a bit worried at the beginning of the scene at the hotel, but you pulled it off brilliantly. This story just keeps getting better.
3220795 Bacon is best bacon.
3220792
Don's not clear yet... he still has a crush on Soarin, and Fluttershy! I smell a love triangle.
3220790 3220682 Thanks.
3220783 Any good comedy can laugh at itself... or something.
3220776
OH YEAH! BUCK ME SOARIN!
Brace yourselves. . . Don is coming.
3220767
Hitler insulted millions of jews and got famous. I figure, why not insult all HiE authors at once? I mean, SevenFates, TwistedSpectrum, and BronyWriter are clearly no-talent hacks and in no-way the objects of worship in my walk-in closet shrine to the gods of fan fiction.
3220759
Yes, dire but also made them realize the true danger of their situation. Had the changes been subtle and slow, they might not have "caught on" in time.
3220748
Many possibilities, indeed. There is one twist someone guessed in a previous comment that I actually became quite fond of and am going to add. Made a little story arc out of it, and it should prove pretty entertaining.
3220746
It's nice to see them reach an understanding and form a friendship. I think of them like Brother and Sister. Sure they "like" each other, but they drive each other insane because they're ALWAYS THERE, PESTERING YOU! (note: I'm the oldest child. I abused the hell out of my siblings.)
3220738
I still feel dirty for that one. It was too easy, and yet. . . I do not question my muse. She is a cruel misteress, and her whip has nine tails.
3220736>>3220748
It's always a bit tempting to comfort people and risk spoiling the ending... but I can say this: you are wise to note which tags are and aren't present.
3220652
But I would write ten million words, and I would write ten million more. Just to be the author who wrote ten million words, and made you laugh even more.
*Youtube videos are mandatory when I post.
3220643
(j/k, you'll like it.)
You and me both.
3220625
And we love you... just be careful, for Daemon of Decay is a false prophet. He will strap you down to a table and lobotomize you. He did it to his own mother, Twilight, and his OC!
Hahahahaha
I see what you did there. 
Rocket to the knee 
*Perviously on Dash of Humanity*
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, SHIT! This fic is spiraling out of control and could end up like some horrible hentai mind break story!
*this chapter*
epiphanyministriestasmania.com/resources/jesus-christ-pics-1112.jpg?timestamp=1298711822161
*Whew* Let me tell ya, you had me worried for a sec. Way to strike a perfect balance between Dash and Don now, it doesn't really seem at this point one has any huge leverage over the other. Where in the last chapter there was a massive risk of Don being a submissive slut or just a mindless husk (Other recent fics on fimfiction like this have greatly reduced my faith in humanity). Not to mention Don channeling his inner Count of Monte Cristo was just such a fun scene without being overly vindictive.
Although this kinda bothers me
Because you know, Friendship is MURDER. Don't get me wrong I completely understand this and the necessity of this action. It's just that we sometimes strong arm our own principles into ponies that the results can be mixed. I just don't think this train of thought can really apply to Celestia and the other ponies. While Celestia would do many things to protect Equestria when has she ever murdered someone, let alone someone innocent. Keep in mind while she is a ruler and an immortal she is practically the embodiment of all good that all ponies base their ethics upon. Also while the elements are great and all Equestria did survive with only Celestia and no usable elements for 1000 years. Not saying should would abandon them if she had to, but still.
This story is just wow. The Concept is great, the writing is great, and the amounts of darkness and comedy are just perfect to keep me wanting more. Keep it up!
Was that a Hard Reset reference I see there?
3220736
Idk merge would be cool. Not as an ending but a few chapters before son we could get acquainted with the new being.
Ugh... I'm pretty sure most horses and ponies can't digest meat unless they are raised and bred at high altitudes, where vegetation is sparse. So um... Might want to pick a different revenge scheme.
3221005
It would still require the death of two characters we know and love (and who have others who know and love them) in order to bring it about.
I don't think the trade-off would be worth it.
3220907
Is this a bad thing?
Heh...
I see what you did there with that last line.
Wait just a minute... did those 'sex scenes' (idk what to call them) actually advance the plot? impossible...
Good, I'm glad that Don was actually made at her for basically making him gay. As I commented on the clop story that holds the sex scenes of this story, it is incredibly unrealistic for someone to switch genders like that and have it not affect them or barely affect them. I'm glad that you didn't make that mistake, and this story is better for it. Additionally, I'm glad they stopped fighting each other, and now the plot can progress and we can see how you're going to fix the problem. I have to admit, I'm really interested in seeing how Don/Dash are going to balance Soarin' with trying to fix whatever's going on in their minds.
I'm also interested in seeing how you resolve this in its entirety.
3220939
You my friend have pretty summed up my thoughts on this >XD
NO!!!! Come on, Don. You gotta fight this thing, man!!! Think of manly, awesome, perverted stuff!!!
Nude beach babes!!!! Monster Trucks!!!! Lesbians making out!!!! Guns, Tanks, Eagles, and Explosions!!!!!!!!!
Preserve your manliness before it's too late!!!!!!!!
^-^ this story is awesome cant wait for more
Ooooo I
you for that Skyrim reference...
*comfort don* its ok bro, its ok, those were manly tears. its ok to shed those, its ok
Hey Vegeta, what's that scouter say about this guy's reader count?
There's OVER NINE HUNDREEEED!
Heheh congrats. Love this chapter and this fic as a whole. Keep it up!
Bacon's really that good, huh?
I'm missing a lot... >.>
Anyway, this chapter really had a lot of sweet moments.
...even though how incredibly nasty some (Soarin') were at a certain someone's point of view. :3
God I love this story!
3221458 when prepared properly bacon is amazing. But it is almost never prepared properly and is either to hard, to soft, to greasy, to chewy, or to brittle.
I was once a wonderbolt like you, until I took a firework to the knee.
I can see the reason for the title.
It's like
I
I
I
______I
Boom Pow, Straight to the moon.
I'm getting the sense that things are about to get real. I don't know how long your stories usually are, but it feels like we're reaching the climax. So exciting!
Nice references! I caught that Hard Reset one. And firework to the knee, very subtle. Probably more that I missed. Though... please leave Soarin out of the next few... PLEASE!!!
I like where this story is going now.
Before it was more of a guilty pleasure, but now that Don and Dash are trying to solve this, I'm so much more excited for this story.
Favorited.
3221130 Agreed! This is a first for me, absolutely astonishingly amazing!
Well Kaidan you have redeemed yourself with this story... after what i read earlier. keep going!
That as freakin + buckin awesome.
Thank you!
So the horrible steak was from a cow that died of old age?
You take this story to a lot of dark places without turning it into "ooh, look, I'm being scary, aren't you scared?" Well done.