12. In Sickness And Health
I wasn’t left with any choice but to race to the hospital in a panic. It wasn’t every day a doctor would say, “Oh, you’ve got less than a week to live.” In fact, I couldn’t have recalled anyone ever saying that.
[Slow down! Sheesh, even I don’t race that fast.]
This is all your fault! Now I’m gonna die!
[Whoa, time out. This is Discord’s fault.]
My car blew through a final intersection and I pulled up to the emergency room of the hospital. They likely heard me coming when I inadvertently plowed through a few signs in the parking lot.
Once the car screeched to a halt, I got out and ran inside. I saw Anthony and Melody waiting there for me. “You!” I pointed at Melody and walked up to her. She opened her mouth to reply right as my fist connected with her jaw, knocking her down to the floor.
Anthony and an orderly were on me in an instant. “Calm down, Don!” Anthony yelled.
[Whoa, Dude, this isn’t rational! Chill out!]
“Stop telling me to calm down! That bitch on the floor had me working when I should have been getting treated for some crazy-ass disease. And what the hell do you mean I only have a week to live?!” I demanded.
“Something’s attacking your DNA; I’ve never seen an immune response like it. All the blood samples we took yesterday have completely lysed.”
[Wow, if all the red blood cells and DNA completely broke down in under a day? Discord must have done a real number on you.]
Wait, how do you know what lysis is—you know what, forget it. We’re both gonna be dead in a week anyway.
[Speak for yourself, I plan to find us a way out of this.]
Good luck with that, Dash.
“Melody is already going to be suspended,” Anthony explained. “She denied you sick leave and medical attention and that violated the law. If you touch her again, we’d be lucky to get her a slap on the wrist, not to mention I will restrain you.”
I shook my arms and backed away from Melody. She was still staring at me in shock. “Is this sick enough for you?” I asked.
“I’m sorry,” she answered.
“Yeah, well, ‘sorry’ isn’t going to fix whatever this is.” I gestured up and down my body.
“Come on, let’s talk,” Anthony said.
We went into one of the patient rooms and I sat down on the bed and relaxed. “So, what the hell is going on?” I inquired.
“I was about to ask you the same thing. The amount of damage to your cells. . . I’ve never seen anything like it. You must have pissed off the wrong deity.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” I quipped.
“Is there anything else I should know about this illness?”
“Nothing you’d believe, and I’d rather die with my sanity intact.”
Anthony took the otoscope off the wall, using the light to check my pupils for responsiveness before clicking on the earpiece and looking in my ear canal. “Well, believe it or not, you’ve got to give me something to go on. I can’t treat a mystery disease that causes cellular breakdown.”
“And I can’t believe you think the answer is in my ear.” I brushed him back from my head. “Look, can you at least leave my explanation out the paperwork for now if I tell you? I don’t want it on my record unless it really is that bad.”
“Fine, off the record so long as you remain stable.”
[You really think he’ll believe you visited an alien world and have a pony living in your head?]
Don’t have many other options at this point, do I?
[I guess not.]
“Alright, so four days ago I was having dinner with my special somepon—no wait, someone, and this guy. Wait, dammit, I can’t think straight.”
[You were eating some salad, remember? Oh, and nice uppercut by the way.]
“Yeah! I was eating some salad, something was wrong with my T.V., and I lost consciousness. I woke up, and here’s the kicker, in a land of cartoonish looking ponies. I could swear I spent days there, and that when I woke up I brought one back with me and it’s living in my head.”
Anthony was struggling to hide his shock at what I had said by chewing on his lip. “So, have you ever heard voices before you passed out?”
“What?” I asked. “Of course not!” I shook my head. “No, it’s all too real anyway. The audio, visual, smells, tastes, the feel of being a pony.”
“You weren’t human when you woke up? Does this have anything to do with the little girl and her pony yesterday?”
Crap, I’d hoped to avoid mentioning that I woke up in a children’s cartoon show.
[Hey, we’re not a cartoon show. If anything, you guys are some kind of mind-reading super-aliens.]
“Yeah, I swear I didn’t know anything about My Little Pony since I was a kid in the eighties. They’ve got a whole new show now, and somehow I was in it, but I’d never seen it before. And now you think I’m crazy.”
“No, you’re not crazy,” Anthony said.
And that’s exactly what we’re trained to say when we think someone is crazy.
[I don’t think you’re crazy.]
Says the voice in my head.
“Look, I, uh. . . believe that you think this all happened. I’ll run labs and get an EEG. If you have a neural degenerative disease triggering an autoimmune response—”
“What?” I interrupted.
[Your nerves are being fried, probably because with two of us they’re being used twice as much with no breaks. I’ve got my money on your physiology not being as adaptable as a pony’s, or that Discord forced this disease to trigger.]
Seriously, Dash, do you know how creepy it is when you know things I’m supposed to know but forgot?
[Not as creepy as you always remembering what I did instead of what you did when someone asks where we were a few days ago.]
I never thought I’d say this, but I miss your body. It seemed so much easier to stay a step ahead of this.
[I bet it has to do with Twilight or my Element. I seem to have a knack for not getting hurt since meeting her.]
“—and lay back while we connect the leads,” Anthony explained.
“What?” I looked at him and another doctor in the room, who I recognized as a neurologist. “Oh, splendid.” I scooted back and laid down on the bed. They began to connect leads over my scalp and forehead to read brainwave activity.
“This won’t be as accurate as an MRI where we can track which segments of the brain are active, but it’s a start,” Anthony explained. “If there are any other unusual electrical patterns this will pick them up too.”
“I know, let’s just hurry up so we can get back to focusing on the whole ‘not dying’ bit.”
“Just relax and try to empty your mind.”
Yeah, empty my mind. I don’t suppose you found an emergency exit back there?
[Nah, but I did find some interesting memories about your childhood.]
Oh, now that’s just nosy! You breathe a word about that to anypony, and I’ll tell them all about you and the colt at flight camp.
[Now I understand mutually assured destruction. You humans are beginning to make sense to me.]
Exactly! I wonder why Discord and Celestia didn’t wind up in a standoff. They both seem to have the power to wipe out Equestria.
[Crap, that’s right. You still think Discord, Q, and De Lancie are tied together?]
I don’t know, but if I could cross dimensions, and one dimension was full of magical ponies that hated my guts, I’d probably hang out in another dimension until I had an airtight plan in place.
[I’d hardly call his plan airtight. It’s annoying as hell, though.]
I looked around and noticed the machine had started picking up my brainwave. The two doctors were talking to each other in hushed tones. “What is it?”
“Don’t move, you’re disrupting it,” the neurologist ordered.
I strained myself to hear what they were saying. “I’ve never seen two brainwave patterns at once. Re-check the leads, this can’t be right,” Anthony said.
I tried to open my mouth and laugh, telling him how this proves I’m right. However, I couldn’t move.
Dash, you in control again?
[No, I thought you still were.]
The beeping of the machine seemed a little louder and I turned to look at it. That was when I realized something was very wrong. Turning back, I saw myself laying in the bed. Somehow I was looking down at myself from above.
Shit! Oh this is bad, how can I be out here? I can’t move, I can’t talk!
[What’s going on?!]
Across the bed from me I saw Dash, rainbow mane and all. She appeared pale and translucent, almost like a ghost, yet I knew those didn’t exist.
Could this be an out-of-body experience? I’ve always heard of them but—
[Don’t out-of-body experiences usually happen as people die?]
Way to jinx it.
The machines started beeping the high-pitched warning tones that were the bane of every nurse. This signaled everyone within hearing range that one of two things had happened; either the IV pump had an air bubble in it, or the patient was dying. Every time you fixed the beeping on one machine, another one would go off as soon as you sat down. It was a never ending cycle.
Nurses rushed in past me and it was hard to see the machines, or Dash. I could barely tell what was going on in the hustle.
Is this it?
[Don!]
When I heard her call my name I turned and saw her grimacing in pain. There was a breeze in the room and I could feel it pushing us apart.
Dash, what’s happening?
[I don’t know! Help me!]
In the few remaining seconds I had left, my ghostly body forced its way over the bed. I could see the brainwaves had vanished from one machine. There was a crushing pain on my chest, and I realized a nurse was hard at work doing chest compressions on me.
Fuck, I won’t let us die! Not when we are this close to a doctor fixing this!
Dash seemed to be fading, perhaps dying, but I had to try. I reached out until I could grab her hoof, and felt her memories rushing back to me. The room was fading to white as I did my best to shield her from death, as if my sacrifice would stay his scythe.
I had done all I could, and as my world faded from sight I heard two final words.
[Thank you.]
Dash coughed and twitched as her body adjusted to her return. Voices nearby were drowned out by a loud ringing noise, and the lights were too bright. She fought the urge to vomit as blurry shapes resolved themselves in her vision.
“She’s waking up.”
There was a heavy weight on her chest, uncomfortably warm, causing her to sweat. Whatever it was seemed to penetrate her body, searing it to the core, yet at the same time it made her feel safe.
Several sore muscles begged for relief and caused her to curl up into a ball. As Dash’s hearing and vision returned to normal, one of the voices clicked in her head. “Cel—tia?”
“It’s okay. Rest, Dash,” Celestia replied.
Dash could make out her hooves in front of her and feel her wings twitching. She finally felt normal, if beaten, but was in her own body. Yet it felt like something was missing. “What. . . happened?”
“Rest first—”
“Tia, ease her mind. You are safe now, Dash,” Luna stated.
Celestia sighed and sat down next to Dash. “When Discord banished you, the Element of Loyalty activated. I’d never seen anything like it. It lead us to you but we were too late, yet somehow the Element was still linked to you.”
“So it’s over? Discord?” Dash asked.
“He fled with his tail between his legs,” Luna replied.
Dash struggled to silence the nagging at the back of her mind. Something was missing and demanded her attention. “Don!” she shouted. Sitting up, she looked around and felt a wave of nausea wash over her form the sudden movement. Resting on the floor with blankets draped over them were the other Elements of Harmony. “What happened to my friends?”
“They activated the Elements to rescue you. It was taxing; they remained active longer than I have ever seen. For at least twenty minutes it held open a rainbow portal, bridging the gap between the worlds. Loyalty acted almost like a safety rope, as the other Elements reeled you back in,” Celestia explained. “It was truly magnificent. I had always wondered how far an Element could go to protect its user.”
“But Don, he’s dying back there!” Dash shouted. “Send me back, we’ve got to help him!”
“We can’t, Dash. Were it not for your link to loyalty, and the trace magics of Discord, there would have been no hope of us rescuing you. I don’t even know how it rescued you, just that we owe the Elements of Harmony far more than we can ever repay,” Luna said.
“He tried to protect me in the end; he was in the hospital and things looked bad. . . but he tried to protect me.”
“Dash, I’m sorry. At least Don got back to Earth. Even if he died, he did so among his own kind,” Celestia stated.
[Died? No, but I feel like I went through a meat grinder.]
“D-Don?” Dash stuttered.
“He was a good pony—er, human, Dash,” Luna condoled.
[Pony? Aww, I was really hoping this was a fever dream. We’re back in Equestria, aren’t we?]
Yeah! Oh thank Celestia you’re alright. Don’t you ever scare me like that again! I thought you died on Earth.
[Part of me wishes I did, this headache is killing me. Why’d they bring me back?]
“Celestia! We saved Don, he’s still in my head!” Dash hugged her and felt the Element of Loyalty still pulsing against her chest.
“This is most unexpected. We thought your Element would only bring you back. I fear we may have just stranded him again,” Luna observed.
“I wonder if him trying to protect me caused him to get pulled. . .” Dash yawned, “pulled through too.”
“Rest, Dash, and we will see to it you both are healed as much as we can,” Luna said.
“But I’m not—” Dash felt Luna’s magic wash over her, and passed out into a deep sleep.
I was much more aware of my surroundings as I woke up this time. Memories resurfaced quickly and I recalled I was back in Equestria again. My human memories of the hospital already seemed like a distant memory, surrounded by a haze. Part of me still felt like I had died, yet I cleared my head of such pessimistic thoughts. I had made it to the hospital—I would still be alive. I just needed a way back home.
When I felt the last traces of drowsiness fade I realized how badly I was sweating. The blanket was much too hot. I tried to push it off but was pinned down by something. Opening my eyes revealed two teal eyes and a smiling face.
“Gah!” I kicked my legs out and inched away from Fluttershy, bumping into a pony behind me. I looked and saw it was Applejack, who had cuddled up on the other side of me.
“Easy, Dash, we just wanted to keep you warm and safe,” Fluttershy explained.
“Oh, I’m all for cuddling, but staring at me as I wake up is really creepy. My cat does that,” I said.
“Your cat? Oh dear, is that you Don?”
“Yeah, who else would it be?”
[Lance Armstrong?]
Haha, glad you’re back to the wise cracks. How are you? Are you okay? Did we—
[Calm down, Dude, I’m pretty sure we’re back to the status quo.]
Oh, that’s very reassuring. Trapped in a pony, no way home, evil villain terrorizing a nation, and confusing feelings of attraction to your friends and that handsome stallion named Soarin.
[Hey, that’s a normal day for the Elements of Harmony.]
When this is a normal day, I think it’s a clear sign from the universe you need a new job.
“Ugh, Fluttershy quit hoggin’ the blanket and makin’ a ruckus. Ah’m sleepin’ here,” Applejack muttered.
“Applejack, Dash and Don are okay!” Fluttershy cheered and started to jump up and down on the bed.
“What?” Applejack rolled over and looked me in the face. “Quit actin’ like a filly, Fluttershy, all this bouncin’ is gonna make ‘em throw up.”
“Hey, AJ.” I looked at her and smirked. “So, uh, how are things?”
“Things?” Applejack stood up and hit me in the shoulder. “Don’t you two ever scare me like that again! Ah ran all over this city, searched every building, and didn’t catch a wink of sleep ‘til that spell brought ya back.”
“Whoa, ouch. Okay, I promise not to almost die in another dimension again,” I apologized.
[I don’t know, getting Applejack to admit she has feelings is a huge accomplishment. I’m surprised she didn’t challenge me to a race to see who could get zapped to another dimension faster.]
Applejack wiped something from her face. “Come ‘ere.” She pulled me in and hugged me. “Ah’m just glad you're safe, Dash.”
“I’m Don.”
“Ya know what ah mean, and ya ain’t half bad yourself, Don.”
“Good, because Dash says she’ll kick your flank in the next Iron Pony Competition with two wings tied behind her back,” I taunted.
“What? Ya nearly died and ya want another contest?” Applejack stepped back with her eyes wide in shock. “Are ya outta your mind?”
[Ahahahaha, this is priceless!]
“Pfft, I’m Rainbow Don, and together a trivial thing like death in a galaxy far, far away is just a warm up.”
Applejack stared at me a moment and started laughing. “Y’all had me goin’. We best get you outta Dash before the rest of her personality rubs off on ya, Don.”
I sat back up, now free of the blanket and cooling off. “So, where’s everypony else?”
“I’m making falafels!” Pinkie shouted. I flinched and turned around to see her across the room in a small kitchen. “First you take a fava bean, and chickpeas just a pinch. . .”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to enjoy her antics,” I explain to Fluttershy.
“Well, we’re heading back to Ponyville and leaving the search for Cadance and Shining to the royal guard,” Fluttershy explained. “It’s far too dangerous here to go out alone. Celestia put a bunch of new magic on our Elements. She told us not to take them off until Discord is brought to justice.”
“Take this, it’ll keep you safe!” Pinkie threw a falafel at me, hit me and fell to the floor.
The weight of the necklace suddenly became obvious to me, and I looked down. Sure enough it was glowing softly. “I get her concern, but we can’t just leave ponies behind.”
“Don, ya can’t risk gettin’ caught by Discord again,” Applejack stated.
“So what? We send the fastest pony in Equestria home to wait and die a slow death, while an entire empire of ponies is out hiding from Discord? We just pack up Twilight who has faced him before, and go home?” I argued.
“We can’t be splitting up,” Twilight said as she walked in. “I want to make sure my brother is okay, but Discord comes first.”
[Don’t let her pull that, Shining would never leave her behind for anything. We could cover this entire empire in, like, thirty minutes.]
I doubt they’re in the empire. They’d probably take shelter from the cold in a nearby cave.
“Look, Twilight, there’s a saying on Earth that you leave no man behind. Well, I don’t think Celestia herself could convince Shining to stop looking for you.”
“But I’m a princess now; I have a responsibility to Equestria—”
“Yes, you’re a princess,” I interrupted. “So go tell Princess Celestia that the search isn’t off yet. Oh, and find me a map of any nearby caves and some bacon—crap, I mean like a vegetable or something. I’m starving and I don’t know what a falafel is.”
“It’s super yummy!” Pinkie hollered. “I start with a cup of sugar, three parts cinnamon, a finger of clove, a dram of chickpea, a sack of flour, two grains of honey, and half a cherimoya.”
“Pinkie, cherimoya trees only grow in the mountains of Southern Zebrah—” Twilight stopped when Pinkie pulled one of the fruits out of her hair. “One day, Pinkie. One day I’ll find a scientific explanation for you.”
“Oh silly, it’s easy! When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much—”
“Don, I’ll go talk to the princess,” Twilight interjected. “You’re correct, I wouldn’t feel right leaving them here. Maybe she’ll let us go out together.”
“—with flowers, maybe a nice dinner, and a diamond bracelet. He takes her back to his bedroom—”
“That sounds good, Twilight,” I reply. “I’m only kinda-sorta Dash, but I’m sure I’m just as fast.”
“—with a Marey White CD and a scented candle—”
[Hey, no way you’re as fast as me! I could totally beat you in a race. This is my body after all.]
“—dripping the hot wax along her forelegs causing her to tug against the ropes—”
No offense, you have a lovely body with firm muscles, curves in the right places, and beautiful eyes.
“—with the blunt side of the paddle until he can’t wait any longer—”
[What? Quit hitting on me! Now you’re just messing with me again, right?]
“—and plants a baby Pinkie inside of mommy!”
Eh, only a little. You really are pretty sexy, or maybe that’s just you taking over my half of the brain and making me think I like you, or me losing my identity, or me being desperate for some action. It just doesn’t sound as awesome when I put it like that, though.
I noticed Pinkie staring at me. “Hey, Don, you need me to repeat that?”
“Nope, I heard you loud and clear! Now I know the, uh. . . scientific reasons for a Pinkie Pie. Thanks!” I answered.
Looking to my left for backup, I found Applejack doing a crossword puzzle and Fluttershy combing her hair. “You’re on your own,” she whispered.
“Okie dokie loki! Come help me stir the batter, Don! I know, let’s list all the words that rhyme with Don while we mix,” Pinkie said.
“Yay,” I deadpanned.
At some point she’ll run out of energy and we can figure out our next move to fix this mess.
[First off, she never tires out. Secondly, it’s simple: we punch Discord in the throat, cast the Rainbow of pain on him, and break the statue into a million pieces.]
That’s rather violent. And speaking of Discord, wasn’t he just hiding on Earth the whole time? What if the statue was a fake and he was just biding time? What if all that creepy pony T.V. show stuff is true, and this is all some fever dream as my brain shuts down?
[That sounds like quitter talk to me. This is real and we’re going to kick his ass. As for the fact he was on Earth, yeah you ought to mention that to the princesses.]
“A lawn fawn spawn and yawn! Run-on pecan put-on a salon in Kazakhstan!” Pinkie cheered. “Oh, you have so a great name for rhyming!”
“Pinkie have you heard of the quiet game?” I ask.
“Yeah, but I don’t like it. Fluttershy always wins,” she replied.
Twilight and Luna walked in, and I immediately trotted away from Pinkie to join them. “So, good news?” I asked.
“Celestia wouldn’t agree to let us all split up and search. She’s agreed to allow us to send out search parties to aid the guards, one princess and one of us. Somepony has to stay here, so she’ll let you and Luna go. I’ll accompany the guards within the city limits,” Twilight explained.
[What about getting you back home?]
“Did she say anything about returning me to Earth?”
Twilight smiled. “She did mention that she was studying the Elements and Discord’s magic. Celestia said if there is a way, she’ll find it. For now, you’re stuck here and it appears that is for the best.”
“Huh, how’s it the best thing for us? Won’t Dash and I die if we stay here?” I ask.
“Celestia and I hypothesize that the Element of Loyalty has fail-safes to protect its wearer, since the two are linked together permanently. We know so little about them, but they appear to be slowing the damage to Dash’s mind and expelling the foreign object from her.”
“The hell? That foreign object is me!” I shout.
“Don,” Luna said. She stepped forward and smiled. “We will find a way to save you, and for the time being your relationship with Dash seems to be giving the Elements pause. They only work on disharmony, and you’ve been getting along with Dash. That harmony may very well keep you both alive and foil Discord’s plan.”
“Well, I guess that’s a start.” I look up at Luna, realizing what a large height difference there was between us normal ponies and alicorns. “So, let’s get going. I’ve been dying to stretch my wings.”
“Don’t you mean Dash’s wings?” Twilight asked.
“Heh, yeah, but at this point she doesn’t even bother to correct me anymore. I’m pretty sure our brains are soup by now. Speaking of soup, Dash and I found something disturbing on Earth that could prove Discord has really been hiding there, instead of being a statue all this time.”
“Most interesting, but how does soup remind you of Discord?” Twilight asked.
“Pinkie, will you explain it for me?” I shout.
“Of course!” Pinkie ran over to Twilight. “You see, when a chef loves a vegetable very much and invites it to a crock pot—”
[I thought she just said that we weren’t having our brains mixed up.]
Oh we certainly are, I don’t think Discord would overlook something that simple. He must have been planning revenge for a long time, even if his way of going about it was pretty lame and failed at first.
[Yeah, I wonder why he didn’t attack anyone else. If he’d put humans in all of the Elements I’m sure at least one would have snapped.]
Who knows? Maybe even his power has limits, and bringing me here took too much of his magic to risk repeating. Either way, at least it looks like our new worst-case scenario only involves me dying, and you getting to live.
[Hey, that wasn’t the deal! Don’t you go get comfortable with the thought you can just die and make things better. We’ll fix this and you’ll owe me one hell of a back massage with those fingers.]
Yeah, I really miss my fingers.
I backed up and stifled a laugh, and nodded to Luna. We went out onto the balcony and I noticed the daylight was bright and the air warmer than I’d expect this far north. “Lovely weather, it’s almost like somepony moved the sun to warm it up.”
“Celestia did move the sun,” Luna replied.
“I have a feeling they didn’t teach sarcasm on the moon.” I looked up at her to gauge her reaction.
“Indeed they did not. The last pony to disrespect me with sarcasm was disemboweled by my hooves in his dream, causing him to have a heart attack. Those were dark times. . .”
Luna continued staring ahead and I couldn’t get a good read on her face. “Wait, you’re joking, right?”
“Perhaps I shall visit you in your dreams tonight as Nightmare Moon and demonstrate.” She glanced over at me condescendingly and watched me shrink back in fear.
“Uh, no thanks!”
Luna broke out laughing and shook her head. “You are fine, Don. It is true I know of sarcasm. Celestia has suggested I ‘loosen up’ around ponies and use humor to bond with them.”
[Talk about bad vibes.]
“Yeah, normally threatening to disembowel someone isn’t funny, but I’ll let it slide. You’ve come to the right pony if you want lessons of sarcasm.”
“Perhaps we should begin our search, and discuss your theories about Discord living on Earth.” Luna pulled out a geographic map of the area and had circled a few caves. “We have dispatched pairs of guards to each cave, though most would take a day round-trip to explore and report back.”
“Not to mention you’re sending two guards out alone across hundreds of miles of territory to distant caves with a pissed-off chaos god on the loose. I doubt any of them report back.”
“At least we have our cynicism in common. Let’s start here at the closest cave.” Luna pointed to one that looked no more than an hour or two from the Crystal Empire.
[We could be there in like five minutes.]
“No, if I were evacuating a city from a threat, that’s too obvious. Any enemy that found this map would make the same assumption, searching the closest caves first.”
“Cadence would not have made them march for days through the snow,” Luna retorted.
[They had some crystal mines under the castle in Canterlot; maybe they have similar mines here. It would explain where they got all the crystal to build the city.]
“Dash has a good idea: What about the mines where they got the materials to build the Crystal Empire? There would likely be leftover supplies there, plenty of room, perhaps even an entrance near the city that isn’t on this map because it’s not naturally occurring.”
Luna set the map down and began to trace imaginary lines around it with her hoof. “Could be. It was so long ago that I last visited the empire—twelve-hundred years I believe.”
“So you know where the mines are?” I asked.
“I know where they were, but that was according to old maps. This one was made less than a year ago. Aha!” Luna jabbed a hoof North-West of the city. “I believe it’s here.”
“Let’s go already! I can’t stand all this talking when we could be flying.”
“Then let’s fly, and you can fill me in on Discord.”
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WELCOME BACK FAGGOT
NOW GIVE US MORE CHAPTERS
Wooo progress! If you consider near death experiences to be progress.
When a chef and a vegetable love eachother very much, the chef discovers his/her new fetish.
Vore.
Back? Oh, my dear Kaidan, the hell did you do?
DON'T YOU GO GETTING BANNED ON ME I NEED AN ENDING TO THIS SHIT DASHXDON NEW BEST OTP
Great chapter as always. Most amusing. I was laughing hysterically during Pinkie's explanation of 'mommy and daddy loving each other VERY much.' The way you only conveyed little snippets of her speech somehow made it funnier. Really cool thing you had there with the Elements, too. It sounds like Don's body is a vegetable now, though, after they dragged BOTH consciousnesses back to Equestria. Damn shame. Hope Melody chokes.
DIS FUCKING LINE. GIVE THIS MAN A MEDAL. AND A COOKIE.
3406638
It originally was "I'm Rainbow Fucking Don!" but someone pointed out the vivid imagery that sentence creates, and how it may distract readers with sexy images of Dash and Don getting it on.
3406634
Funny, I'm starting my vore story today as a reward for going 3 hours without getting banned. Yay!
3406641 You say that like it's a bad thing?!?! DASHXDON 5EVAR
Keep it up!
DELICIOUS CHAPTER!!!!
man if you get banned before finishing this story i will set buildings on fire, im not afraid of arson!
If this is how pinkies are made, then... *shiver* i don't want to know what sex ed class she took to figure that out...
I still suspect that Don is going to end up in Equestria, but not trapped in Dash's head.
You were banned for a week? What happened?
Man, I knew you weren't just gonna come back all meek and quiet and going "Here's another chapter, um, if that's okay with you...". But, my body was not ready for THIS explosion of awesome!
If you don't mind my asking, who is this guy?
What do you- oh, wait, crap. Forgot that we formed the Guardians after his temp-ban. Well, it's a long story, so....
Rainbow Don to the rescue!
3406562
All my this.
The more I read this the more I am convinced that having Don in a HiE fic as a sequel would easily be one of the most EPIC ones out there!
Oh, and glad you are back! Hope to see a few more updates in the (very) near future!
My fellow Path of Exile bro!
Please tell me you play on the domination server.
That'll teach you not to... um... use the functions of the site... which you're allowed to use... um?
If you get banned, for every moment you are gone, I will shank a filly.
Think about that.
Have that on your conscience before you go getting yourself banned you motherfucker.
Still, great chapter. I think I preferred antics in Equestria to getting shit on in Earth anyways, so I'm happy you put them back in Dash's body.
Still though, Don's body. It might be dead, does that mean he will be stuck in dash's body foreverrrr? who can say?
I'm sure Kaidan can but he's sure as hell not gonna tell us.
Glad you're back Kaidan, as always a grate chapter.
Well if you put it that way.. *lick*
-Brony4life14
Yeah kaidans back and so is dash of humanity. So swell. Now if you'll excuse me I have ponies to kill. Jk
So why in he'll did you get banned I thought you died or something
Who the fuck puts sugar and honey in felafel? And a chetimoya isn't even from the same continent as felafel! What the hell, pinkie? and I thought you knew how to cook.
Why were you banned? What did you do so I can
convince those I don't like to do itnot do it.Kaidan... Never do that to us again
. We... We missed you...
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/012/c/4/Moar_Krabs_Hope_Poster_by_jared811111.jpg
Anyways, welcome back!
I kinda expected a part where The doctors realize, "Well fuck, he's dead"
But otherwise awesome!
Path of Exile is pretty good, BUT once you get up to high levels the spectre of death really hurts. You die you lose 10 20 30 50 hours of play and it just gets worse from there. The levels get REEALLY LONG.
Very nice chapter by the way. That act at the end of the human side probably entitles Don to at least one free use of the element of loyalty. However I do not share his optimism that he is alive back on earth -- If I were Don, I might ask if there were any way to move me into a pony body of my own whether it be created or be some pony who is brain dead and has departed leaving an empty mind.
Me: *realizes this story is in fact "sane" for Pinkie and that he himself isn't much closer to the standard of sane than Pinkie* thanks for helping my sanity by not getting a longer ban.
Jeez man! You can't get banned like that on me! This story needs an ending that only you can give!
...Don isn't actually in equestria, is he...
3407883 I too would like to see Don end up a pony. His original body is most likely dead anyway. Ooo maybe follow up with that suggestion from several chapters ago and make him a mare
... Making him a pegasus would make the most sense, seeing as all his experience as a pony is tied to being half in control of a pegasus.
So what if Dash never gets another chance to feel Don's hands...
Gosh, is good to have you back!
I have to say, this is one of the most awesome HiE stories that I read so far!
And just to make things clear... You punched you superior at the hospital!?
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AWESOME!
You got banned?
3408582 yeah he mass downvoted someone's stories without reading them. See his "Dear Princess Celestia, Part 2" blog post for a humorous explanation that goes into more detail.
3408526 I'm not so sure whether that actually happened to him. I think it might have just been the one chapter that used his own experiences, or at least I suspect that, as much as he may have wanted to, he didn't punch his superior.
I could be wrong
I will read this new chapter at school during lunch
not enought time to read and finish it tonight.
The "a" should be between "great" and "name," or the "so" should be a "such." However, since it is Pinkie talking, the latter would probably be better.
He has returned, the three-fold man. He dances in the lonely places. Welcome back, Kaidan.
It seems that the common consensus is that Don, his body at least, is now a potato. I do not disagree with this. His body may not be physically dead, however, it has been made apparent that it is brain dead. I eagerly await the next chapter. KBO.
huh, it seems I DID have enough time to read this. So, the elements can act as dimensional lifelines, Discord is apparently Q as well, and Luna has some dark sarcasm. Makes sense, I await the next chapter!
Question, how much memory does PoE take up? I created an account to try it, as I liked Diablo, but My computer is on the verge of crashing. too much more, and I'm screwed out of my main way to check Fimfiction.
I lost track of how many times I chuckled reading this chapter. Don's efforts to move the plot along by distracting Pinkie Pie was admirable in the past, but now it seems he has given up.
Don's body might be dead!
Or maybe if they separate them at the end they can send his mind back at that exact moment and have him not die... Tho then everything that happened in Equestria would be wrote off as him just almost dieing and hallucinating, which would honestly suck.
I suppose the preferable method would be to somehow get his body to Equestria not only for a more guaranteed refusion of his mind but to make sure Discord wouldn't have anymore surprises left in it. I'm sure Dash and the rest would appreciate a handy man at least for a while before sending him back.
another awesome chapter as always.
Don should want to go back to his body after that. hell have all sorts of stuff hell have to deal with when he returns. at least his body wont hopefully die now.
the Rainbow Don part amused me way more than it probably should have.
I really wanna see everyponys faces when they hear about being part of a TV show. Yet Pinkie will already of known or somehow. shell find a way of going beyond breaking the 4th wall and breaking a 5th somehow
When i saw a new chapter i started fist pumping the air
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!!!I ALMOST GAVE UP AND DIED AND WENT TO EQUESTRIA... which wouldn't be all so bad
I liked the new chapter and I'm very curious about the Body of Dave.
Anyways, I liked the hint at the Legend of Zelda Game: "It's dangerous to go alone, take this" I was crying because I laughed so hard
And to Kaidan:
Since you were banned for a whole week, is the possibility there, that you uplaod a new chapter in the next few days? PLEASE!
When they were about to die I was like FFFFUUUU
when they survived I was like
HELLZ YEAH
ya sunlight is a hell of a drug
So Don's immune system was attacking his DNA... And the doctors were able to tell this from second party tests? Odd, but it does give hope for a transformation!
Keep going! ;)
3406759
why not, Zoidberg?
Wub wub wub wub wub....
3406770
I agree. Let's use a famous government building as a campfire and make smores.
3406772
Maybe she was self-aware as a sperm, and had a front row seat to her birth. She is Pinkie Pie, after all.
3406777
You and your logic.
3406865
I downvoted the wrong story, got caught, and my horrible past of frivolously downvoting stories for typos in the description, anthro tags, and other jackassery was revealed.
Why? Why do I have to read second person anthro self-insert Rainbow Dash clop with typos in the title before downvoting? WHY!
3406889
Whew, good thing I didn't reach my goal of 100k words of updates over my week in exile. It may have killed you.
3406931
nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu BatDon! nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu nu DashMan!
(screw you youngsters, 80's batman was best batman.)
3407057
Sequels? Who said anything about sequels? Get out of my head!
3411098 No no no, madame pinkie knows all don'tcha know? She went back in time and watched the birth process herself, but then was accidentally born instead of the real baby ergo pinkie knows all because she's a time traveling pony that accidentally interrupted another pony's birth.
it's pinkie, savy?
3407113
Yes I do, you should join my guild Twilight's Dollhouse. The guild chat works no matter what league you're in, too. Oh, and I'm gonna have to play a witch to level 8 to get a summon skeletons gem because I'm 45 and one still hasn't dropped.
3407129
This isn't YTMND, being a downer or upper who votes everything down/up is frowned upon. I'm just glad I wasn't banned for voting abuse again: I upvoted all 31 of my own stories in 60 seconds yesterday.
3407427
Oh no! You licked up Pinkie! Quick, spit her back into mommy!
3407462
Happy hunting. Remember the minimum size requirements and the strict limits of only 1 stallion per hunting season. (Mares of course you can kill as many as you want.)
3407595
I was part of a goverment covert op to catch Osama bin Regidar. I had to go into deep cover, get banned, become part of his terrorist commenting cell, and bring it down from the inside.
It almost worked, but Regidar jumped out a window, grabbed a helicopter ladder, and flew off into the sunset.
3407636
I downvoted a Trixie Slice of Life on EQD. Or was it an EQD on Trixie? Anyway, there was definitely downvoting involved, and Equestria, and it happened Daily...
3407807
I missed you too, and not just because I'm a lonely misanthrope.
3407607 And yet Pinkie makes it work.