• Published 23rd Aug 2013
  • 48,997 Views, 2,521 Comments

Dash of Humanity - Kaidan



Have you ever woken up as a vegan cartoon pony? I have, and she won’t shut up about it. I’m stuck in her body as our minds swap control and our memories blur. I’m not sure I can survive the rest of the day, let alone until we fix it

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1. Unexpected House Guest

Tank slid under the sofa as Dash galloped past. She was frantically pulling dishes from the pantry and placing them onto her dining room table. A single candle burnt in the middle of the nearby counter and Dash screeched to a halt in front of a mirror to fix her mane.

She had spent the last hour racing to get ready for her date with Soarin. A large storm system had threatened to ruin it for her by plowing through Ponyville. Dash had only barely contained it with the weather team. She trotted over to the window to check on the storm. It was discharging its lightning in the distance, over the Everfree. The low rumble of thunder was hardly reaching her ears anymore.

Her headache acted up as she recalled the frantic effort to redirect the storm. Dash had flown into the eye of the storm to ensure it had changed course. Several Pegasi had crashed due to the strong winds and one was hit by lightning, luckily sustaining only minor injuries. She was grateful it hadn’t ruined the date she had been eagerly awaiting all week, and that all she had was a headache.

She smiled and forgot all about the storm in the distance when her date landed at the front door. It would take more than a little rain and lightning to keep Dash from her date with Soarin.


Vegetables aren’t food, they’re what you feed food. I continued to recite my mantra as I bit down on the leafy greens, removing them from the end of my fork. I chewed a few times before choking back my gag reflex and swallowed.

It needed more dressing.

I tilted over the bottle and poured more ranch onto my plate. Ever since I visited my doctor I’d been struggling to eat this rabbit food in an attempt to lower my cholesterol. It was bad enough I had to give up soda, but this was just too much. Vegetables were flavorless, green nightmare fuel—they ought to just put the nutrients in the dressing and sell it.

I scowled and took another drink of water, then stuck the fork back into the salad. Maybe there would be something on T.V. to distract me while I eat my front lawn. It flickered on to the science fiction channel. The screen was covered in static due to the storm outside, but at least it hadn’t knocked out my satellite dish.

The room went dark as the power went out. That’s what I get for tempting fate. I should have gotten McDonald’s—then at least I’d be stuck in the dark with some red meat. I fumbled around for a candle when the power came back on.

Knowing my luck, I knew the power would go back out. I lit the candle and placed it next to the disappointing salad. The sound of phaser fire reached me and I glanced over to see the television show had turned back on. The screen was black and white, so I grabbed the remote and hit the menu button.

Nothing happened and the remote did not light up despite me banging it against the table. The batteries must have been dead. I tossed the remote aside and approached the television to find the menu button.

The screen was flashing and I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. The lights flickered off and on while thunder shook the windows. This is shaping up to be another amazing Friday night. I started mashing the buttons on the flat screen in an attempt to fix the T.V. set so that I could at least be bored in color.

My arm was tingling and I looked down to see all the hairs standing on end. Small arcs of energy were bouncing between my hairs and seemed to get larger the closer my hand got to the television. I could feel the charge on the T.V. screen as I reached forward and touched it.

The power went out again and I felt dizziness wash over me. All the lights in my apartment went out, but somehow the T.V. was still running. I stumbled back as the show faded from view and I was surrounded by darkness.


After a few moments of numbness, I opened one of my eyes. The muzzle of a large blue horse inched towards my lips, moments away from making contact. On instinct I brought my right fist up into its jaw, sending it falling backwards. As he fell backwards I noticed he had a square muzzle, and a pair of uncannily large eyes.

Hitting the monstrosity made me lose my balance for some reason, and I landed on my back, only to find my blue legs sticking up in the air.

Time screeched to a halt as the fuzzy legs shattered my brain’s attempts to sort out the situation. My heart raced as I tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I tried moving my arms and legs, and in response I saw the furry blue. . . things. . . moving instead. There was a bright trail of rainbow hair splayed across the floor, and I saw my blue chest rising and falling quickly. Panic quickly overwhelmed me.

The horse was a darker shade of blue than me and was quickly getting to his feet. He was walking over towards me when I noticed he had wings and I struggled to piece together what was happening.

“Dash, are you okay?” the horse asked.

Holy shit! It talks!” I screamed in a raspy, feminine voice. I tried to stand up and run, only to stumble forward onto all four of the hairy hellspawns I had for limbs. The white marshmallow-like floor did little to prevent me from floundering across the floor towards the nearest door.

I tripped on the door frame and rolled across the patio, coming to a stop on my back. My gaze drifted back through the door and inside the house. The horse had already closed the distance between us, and I decided to get out of here. My butt slid across the patio as my legs struggled with the retreat.

“Careful, Dash!”

The ground gave way beneath me, and before I knew what was happening the world spun wildly around. I began screaming and flailing my legs. Wind tugged at something on my back and I could feel something attached to my shoulder blades. The extra set of—something—on my back seemed to slowing my fall slightly.

Looking down, I swore that if I got out of this, I would never eat a salad ever again.

I watched as the ground rose up to meet me, and right when I thought I was going to be turned into a furry blue pancake, two arms scooped me up and carried me into the air. I latched onto whatever had grabbed me like a vice grip. My ear twitched as I heard a grunt of pain.

I realized I had closed my eyes at some point and I slowly opened them. The blue horse starred at me again and I realized I was tightly wrapped around its neck. I released my grip and felt the wonderful feeling of dirt beneath my back.

“Dash, are you okay? Was it something I said?” he asked.

“Yes! You can talk!” I yelled.

Why aren’t I human and why can he talk?!

[What the hell is going on?] a new voice in my head asked me. [Why can’t I move?]

The horse tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. . . I’m lost. Are you not into stallions or something?”

[What? Of course I am, I was gonna bang you, Soarin! Oh no—I must have broke my back, that’s why I can’t move!]

“Gross!” I said to myself. “I need to get the hell out of—” I waved a hoof around, “—whatever this is!”

[Wait, somepony else is in my head? Dude, calm down! You’re totally gonna scare him off. Who are you anyway? Why are you in my body? Ask him for help!]

“I think we better get you to the hospital, Dash,” he said.

[Yes! They can fix this, unless I’m crazy. Am I crazy? What are you?]

“No!” I stated. The last thing I wanted right now was to go to the hospital. They would have me put in a straightjacket and locked into a padded cell in—

[—ten seconds flat. Dude, what the heck are you doing in my body? Just tell him the date’s over, and ask him out again for me, okay? We need to go get help from my friend Twilight.]

I gulped and for lack of any better ideas, decided to listen to the voice in my head. “Date’s over.” I smiled before seeing the familiar look of rejection in his eyes as he realized he wasn’t getting lucky any time soon. I reached up and patted his shoulder. “Hey, thanks for not letting me die and all, we’ll do it again sometime, okay—the date, not the tumbling to death!”

[Real smooth. Oh man, I’m never gonna hear the end of this from him.]

I stood up on my legs and struggled to get them to balance beneath me. Everything about this body felt wrong—not to mention rather sore now.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asked. He just stood there looking at me like I’ve sprouted a horn or something.

“Yeah, I’m fine . . .” I opened and closed my mouth a few times as I tried to recall his name.

[Soarin.]

“Soarin? That’s a stupid name,” I said.

[Not out loud you idiot! Fuck, it took me like two months to work up the nerve to go out with him.]

“Sorry,” I told the voice in my head.

“Apology accepted. I, uh—you need a hoof going home?” he asked.

“No, I don’t need a hand. I’m just gonna walk this way.” I stumbled forward towards a nearby road and a signpost.

“But your home is—ah, never mind. I enjoyed the date—most of it. Let me know when you’re feeling better.”

No, crap! You totally screwed that up. Tell him to come back, I changed my mind! Have him take me to the hospital!

I heard wing beats and turned to look behind me. Soarin flew off into the distance and I breathed a sigh of relief. The voice in my head continued to shout, but I was the only one who could hear it. I stumbled my way over to a nearby tree and slumped down against it. My rapid breathing finally started to slow down.

[Alright, what are you doing in my body? How’d you trap me in here and—crap what am I supposed to do to fix this?]

“This is—your body?” I looked down at my chest and legs that were covered in blue hair. “Okay, I’ll give you that one. This is definitely not my body.”

[Give him a round of applause, everypony! Now why’d you steal it? Are you a spy?]

I laughed loudly in that girlish voice I had come to associate with my new self. “That’s ridiculous! What kind of spy can steal people’s bodies?”

[Changelings, you moron!]

“Oh shit!” I exclaimed, suddenly reacalling I was a talking horse. “This can’t be possible, this isn’t possible!”

[Whoa easy. Sorry, Dude! Look, so it’s an accident or something then. We can still fix this!]

“No, you’re a colorful talking horse! I’m a talking horse! I need to get out of here!”

[I said calm down!]

The voice continued yelling in my head while I muttered obscenities and thought about how royally screwed I was. My life—what little of it I spent not working or playing video games—was gone. I was trapped here forever. . . unless this was a dream.

I laughed and wobbled onto my hooves.

[What’s so funny?]

“It’s just a dream,” I explained. “This is so absurd, it’s got to be a dream!” I looked at the tree in front of me and raised my head up in the air.

[No! NO! WAIT!]

I slammed my head down into the tree to wake myself up, and instantly regretted it. A ringing noise filled the air and I found myself laying on my side, not feeling when I fell over. The tree was spinning around in my vision and my head was throbbing in pain.

[Celestia—why? That—hurts so much!]

“Ugh, yeah.” I tried to reach a hand up to rub my sore head, and instead banged it with a hard hoof.

[Aaahh! Stop it, I give up!]

“Give who?” I struggled to focus through the pain I had inflicted upon myself. I was getting so drowsy it was hard to keep track of what was going on.

[Look, just don’t move! No moving! Okay? We’ll talk about this like adults, and. . . just don’t move! What do you want?]

I laid there under the tree, letting the pain slowly fade. “What am I?”

[I’m a pony, and you’re. . . you’re. . . what are you?]

“I’m a human,” I said. The sound of laughter filled my head and I waited patiently for it to stop—not like I had many other choices right now.

[No, come on, really.]

“What? I’m a human. I was at home eating dinner, it was raining, I turned on the T.V., then I was here.”

[Hmm. . . ]

There were several minutes of silence as I laid there, trying to think of some logical next step. The voice in my head must have been stuck in the same predicament. “So?”

[Well, Twilight may be able to fix this but we need to be careful. You already ruined my date with Soarin, and. . . how the hell do we fix it? If I can’t get you outta my head, if I’m stuck in here, my life is over! I’ll never be a Wonderbolt!]

“When you say ‘fix it’ you mean send me back to Earth, right?”

[We’ll try to send you back wherever you belong, but the first thing's first, we need to get you out of my body!]

I thought about it for a moment and started picturing the split pea soup scene from The Exorcist.

[What the hell? That’s some messed up stuff you’re thinking about.]

“You can read my thoughts?”

[Well, when you think them that clearly, yeah.]

“I was just thinking how priests used to cast demons out on Earth, banishing them back to—” I gulped as I realized what getting me out of her body likely entailed. “I don’t want to die.”

[Duh, no one wants to die, but we’re not gonna kill you. Twilight’s just gonna use that fancy magic and suck you out of my skull.]

“That’s not very comforting. Look, I can’t deal with this right now. I’m just gonna go to sleep, okay?”

[What? Here in the middle of the road? No way, we’re flying back to my place.]

I felt around for the muscles controlling my wings and managed to make them twitch slightly. “Yeah, not happening. I’d rather not plummet to my death without your horse-friend here to catch me.”

[We’re ponies, not horses! What part of that can’t you understand? You might as well call us all mules or donkeys.]

“Yes, you are talking ponies, and I’m a human. No one would possibly think we’re insane and lock us in an asylum.” I was rewarded by a minute of silence.

[You’re right. Even Twilight will probably think I’ve gone mad. I won’t just be banned from the Wonderbolts, I’ll be locked away! Everypony will know me as Rainbow Dash, craziest mare in Equestria! Oh no, this is bad! Oh no!]

“Hey, now it’s you that needs to calm down. You’re really loud and I can’t really sleep with you shouting in there.”

[No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!]

“I said shut up!” I hit the bump on my head with my hoof, sending a jolt of pain through me. I instantly regretted it, but it got the point across.

[. . . Okay. Flying’s out of the question, and I don’t wanna be thrown in the looney bin. We can go crash at Fluttershy’s. Say, what’s your name?]

“My name is. . . ” I found myself unable to recall my name. I just froze there as my brain—or this pony’s brain—tried to recall a bit of information that seemed to have been lost to me.

[What. Is. Your. Name?]

“Chill, I don’t know, okay? I was just minding my own business with the T.V. and. . . I don’t know, I can’t really remember.”

[Okay then, I’ll just call you Dude for now. Get up, Dude, and head left down the road to Fluttershy’s house. She’ll let us crash there tonight. I need to figure out what to do next.]

“My name’s not Dude, it’s—dammit, it’s—”

[It’s Dude if I say it is, because it’s my body! Now, get up.]

“Don! It’s Don, now quit it with the damn nickname. It’s so annoyin—”

[Dude, Dude, Dude, Dude—]

“Stop it! I’m going!” I stood up and shook my head to get the rainbow hair out of my face. “Alright then. We’ll see Fluttershy, and I’ll take a long nap.”

I looked down and focused on my walking until I found a good rhythm. The nice thing about having four legs was that it’s fairly hard to trip. As long as you kept three of them from flailing wildly around, it was not so bad.

A small wooden bridge appeared ahead and I noticed a large house on the other side of it. Several animals left their burrows to stare at me, and none wanted to come anywhere near me. My mind was so focused on walking without faceplanting that I barely noticed I had traveled so far. I looked behind me and couldn’t see the tree anywhere. I heard an owl hooting and my ears swiveled around to face the sound.

“You know the legs I’m kind of getting used to, but the ears are just freaky.” I waited a moment for some sort of response and got only silence. “Hey, you there?”

[Hmph.]

“Really? Are you pouting?”

[You stole my body, I’ll do whatever I feel like.]

“Okay, note to self: the best way to get unstuck from someone’s body is to pout.”

[Quit it or I’ll have Twilight smoke you out with some, uh, fire or something.]

“Yeah, I doubt you’d enjoy that very much either. Come on, I think you better help me explain my situation to your friend.”

[Don’t mention the whole evil body stealing suicidal alien thing. I’m still working on a way to tell Twilight that doesn’t sound so. . . crazy.]

“I’m not evil.”

I heard a small grunt of acknowledgement as I walked up to the door. I lifted a hand—or hoof, whatever, to knock on the door. After a few taps, a light came on and I heard someone walking towards the door.

“Who is it?” the voice asked.

“Me,” I replied.

[Seriously? It’s Dash, not ‘me’.]

“Me who?”

“Uh, Dash.”

[Was that so hard?]

The door swung open and I saw a yellow pegasus smiling at me. As soon as I saw her, a wave of memories and emotions from the pony I was inhabiting washed over me. “Dash! Is everything okay?”

[Yes! Say yes.]

“Pfft, I could have figured that one out,” I said. I looked up and saw a confused looking Fluttershy. “Yeah, I’m fine. The uh. . .”

[Crap, didn’t you think up an excuse?]

“I was focused on the walking. What were you doing? Napping?” I asked.

“Oh dear,” Fluttershy said. “Are you talking to yourself?”

“I was—” I looked around and aside from it being late at night, no ideas came to mind. “Up late, and felt like getting some air. . .”

[Yep, my life is over. A bumbling idiot is gonna open a can of crazy on my best friend.]

“The date! The date with Soarin ended. . . poorly,” I said. I struggled to look sad with my unfamiliar facial muscles and must have pulled it off, because she hugged me and started whispering into my ear.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Dashie!”

[Phew, okay, not bad, Dude.]

“Can I, uh. . . I just want to sleep here tonight?”

“Of course, come in! I’ll get some hot tea and a blanket and you can tell me all about it,” she said.

[Dear Fluttershy, today my evening was ruined by an alien punching my date in the muzzle. He then tried to kill me by hurling himself off a porch—]

“Shut up,” I said.

Fluttershy squeaked and hid behind her mane.

[You bastard!]

“Not you, Fluttershy!” I quickly added. “Ugh, this headache is killing me.”

She looked up and noticed the large red knot on my forehead, poking at it gently with her hoof. “Oh, you might have a concussion.”

[And an alien.]

If you’re not gonna help, Dash, be quiet! I tilt my head to the side for a moment, realizing I don’t have to talk out loud to communicate with the other person in my head. I can just think what I want to tell her, and avoid looking like a crazy pony.

[You’re still crazy, you’re just not a pony.]

Quit reading my thoughts!

[Fine, but if you hurt her feelings again, I’ll never let you hear the end of it.]

“Don’t just stand there, you’re acting strange and I’ll need to look at that bump.” She gestured for me to come inside and I followed her in. The smell of hay and animals overwhelmed me, but I also smelled something a bit sweeter, like perfume.

As Fluttershy walked into the kitchen I looked over at her and stopped in my tracks. The way her flanks curved and moved in a gentle rhythm as she walked was intoxicating. Her soft fur looked like butter, and I felt my heart beat quicker as my mind focused on her scent.

[Dude! Stop thinking about banging her, she’s my friend for Celestia’s sake!]

“Like you’ve never thought about it?” I said. “Wait, why am I thinking about it? I’m not into ponies.”

[Finally we agree on something. You shouldn’t be turned on by ponies.]

I looked over at the couch and walked up to it. The sofa came up to my shoulders and I started to climb on. The whole cushion slid towards me and I tried to put one of my back legs up on it. The padding followed me off the couch as I fell down.

I rolled over, discovering that landing on a wing is quite painful. To add insult to injury, a loud laughter began echoing in my head and I could just picture a cocky pony rolling around in there at my misfortune.

[You can’t even sit on a couch!]

“Seriously? Grow up,” I said.

“Dash, are you okay?” Fluttershy asked. “You’re still talking to yourself.”

The laughing subsided slightly. “Yeah, just the headache and some. . . wine. I had some wine.”

Can’t you be quiet while I’m trying to talk? You’re gonna get us both caught.

[Good, then I can get rid of you quicker.]

“Here, let me help you.”

I got onto my hooves and she walked behind me. She used her head to push against my backside, lifting me onto the couch like I imagined a good friend might. The touch felt more than friendly to me though, and sent a shiver down my spine.

[I said mind out of the gutter, Dude!]

“Hey, that was your body not my mind!”

“Hmm?” Fluttershy asks. I smiled and wished I would quit blurting stuff out loud.

Seriously? You’re turned on by your best friend?

[. . .]

“Oh nothing, Fluttershy. You just surprised me is all, and your fur is very smooth,” I added.

I felt a flash of anger in my mind and grinned. She wasn’t the only one who knew how to play hardball.

[I’m gonna get you back for this. First thing in the morning we’re going to see Twilight.]

“Dash, do you want some tea?” Fluttershy asked.

I looked over at the cup and realized I had no idea how to lift it. She sipped from her tea by using both hooves, and I looked down at mine. Somehow I doubted I had the dexterity required to do that. “No thanks, I’m really tired. I’m just gonna get some sleep.”

As soon as I laid down on my side and closed my eyes, I felt her prod my side. “No, Dash, you may have a concussion. You can’t sleep for twenty-four hours.”

[Looks like somepony won’t get that nap they wanted.]

I moaned and looked at her. “You’re kidding me?”

“No, Dashie, you could be seriously hurt,” She said. “I’ll stay awake to keep an eye on you.”

The laughter started up in my head again as I realized I was now stuck awake on the couch for the entire night.

“So, um. . . what happened with Soarin?” she asked.

[I don’t wanna talk about it.]

I grinned as I got an idea to have some fun. I was getting tired of her laughing at me. Like it or not, we were stuck together and something about Dash’s attitude rubbed me the wrong way. “It was. . . horrible. We had this misunderstanding and he got upset when we were about to kiss.”

[Wait, what the hell are you doing?]

I sniffled and wiped my eyes to make it look like I was hiding tears. “I don’t know what I did wrong, but he left!” I grabbed the nearby pillowcase and sobbed into it.

[Seriously, cut it out! Soarin didn’t do any of that.]

“Can I do anything to make it better?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Can—I mean, if it’s okay with you—can I have a back massage?”

“Of course!”

[Wow, you just lied to my best friend and threw my special somepony under the carriage for a back massage? I’m so letting Twilight scrape you out of my brain and throw you away.]

Oh come on, it’s just a back massage. Besides, we’re stuck awake all night and I feel like hell.

[That still doesn’t excuse what you di—]

I moaned and our thoughts vanished as we felt two hooves knead at the muscles below the base of my wings. This wasn’t my body, so each muscle group she massaged felt amazing. There were literally sore muscles I didn’t know I had. “Yes, there.”

She shifted her weight and sat on top of my lower back. I could feel her smooth fur pushing down on my backside, and her two hard but nimble hooves searching out every knotted muscle in my body. Both wings felt lighter and seemed to pull taught against my shoulder blades as they raised themselves up.

“Oh, good, now I can reach under them easier,” she said.

My wings were getting hard to move and seemed to have a mind of their own. Wait, your wings. . . is this some sort of arousal?

[Great, now I’m posturing with my wings to my best friend.]

You mean like some sort of. . . wing-boner?

[What?! No, it’s just—ugh, keep digging yourself deeper, buddy.]

“Should I preen your wings?” Fluttershy asked.

[No, thanks.]

“Sure,” I said with a smile. As I sank further into the couch I could feel her biting my wings in her mouth, slowly picking out damaged feathers and straightening the rest. “Wow, if all I have to do is get a concussion to get a back massage, I’m banging my head on more trees.”

The weight above me shifted. “You hit your head on a tree?”

“It’s a long story,” I explained.

[Are you done hitting on my friend yet?]

Look, Dash, we’ve got to share this body and you have to admit this massage felt really good.

[. . .]

And this preening, is that so uncommon?

[You mean it? You’re not some sort of sicko hitting on my friend?]

Yes, I’m not hitting on her.

“Fluttershy, I pulled a muscle in my stomach somehow. Can you rub it?” I said.

Now I’m hitting on her.

[Oh Celestia, that’s it! That’s one, Dude, I’m keeping count. And so help me, I’m gonna get even!]

I rolled over and Fluttershy sat right below my legs. As much as I tried to hide my thoughts, this mare had such smooth skin on her belly and lovely yellow fur. The thought of being attracted to a pony had never occurred to me, but through these eyes she looked like an angel. Perhaps now that I was in control of this body, I could just hang out here until they find a way to fix things. Free back massages, a sweet yellow mare to wait on me. . .

Fluttershy began rubbing my belly and I could feel Dash inside me fuming. After a few minutes she seemed to have calmed down, and I couldn’t sense her at all. I yawned, feeling myself fall asleep. A jolt of pain quickly woke me back up. Fluttershy had pinched my stomach.

“Sorry, Dash, I said no sleeping.” She smiled and got up, sitting down next to me. “So, want to talk to me some more?”

What should I say?

[. . .]

Oh, so you get to sleep and I don’t.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, letting my gaze drift to a knot in the wood on the ceiling. “Nah, I just want to enjoy the peace and quiet,” I explained. “I’ve had one hell of a day because I wouldn’t eat my damn salad.”


Author's Note:

Some readers were confused as it can be hard to tell who is in charge, and who is the observer. Writing the dual perspective of a shared body is new for me also. These short guidelines should alleviate any confusion about the current system:

1.) The passive observer, who can't control the body, can only communicate by thinking what they want to say. This is placed in italic brackets. [ ].

2.)When Don controls the body, he narrates their experiences in first person, because he's actively doing it. (this means Dash's thoughts are in [ ].)

I followed behind Twilight as she entered the library.
She has a nice flank - Don
[Quit it, pervert!] - Dash

3.) When Dash is in control, Don narrates in third person as he is now an observer of Dash's actions. If he takes action within her mind, he would use first person as he is actively 'recalling a memory' or relating what he is witnessing. His communication with Dash is in [ ].

Dash followed Twilight into the library. I could do nothing but watch.
[She has a nice flank.] -Don
Quit it, pervert! - Dash

Apologies for the long A/N. I hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading.