A strange alien finds himself in a paradise greater than the home he left behind.
~~~
Note: Basic knowledge of Metroid is helpful, but not required.
Some liberties taken with the Metroid canon. I think.
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
- offline last seen Monday
Brony Tom
Hello. I do things every now and then. Also, ponies.
Brony Tom
Joined 10th Jul, 2011 ·
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This was epic dude. I applaud your knowledge of the Luminoth.
3659138
Thanks! I read through every single wiki article I could find so that I didn't get anything wrong. Glad to know it paid off.
3659153 Very.
Now, I'm not really a fan of stories written in the first person.
That's because the author is usually either too unskilled or too lazy/unwilling to write in the third person.
However, this is one of the few cases where I actually enjoyed the story so far.
It is written in a way that makes me, the reader, know that whenever 'I' is used, it refers to U-Mos, not me.
Many stories in the first person seem to fail in that regard.
The only thing I have to say is that U-Mos seems a wee bit underpowered.
As in,it is implied he has a vast amount of power, as he was able to defend the Grand Temple from the Ing for around 2 centicycles, which we could say is his planet's equivalent of 200 years, however long those years actually are. For all we know it could be the equivalent of 2000 Equestrian years.
So to say he would be weakened from loosing a blast of energy at his unknown stalker seems a bit unfitting, as does his reaction to Luna's attempted mind scouring. That is what she was attempting, yes? Regardless, I don't think he would have had such a reaction as he did. Great surprise at the power Luna wielded, yes, but staggering back from it like a heavy blow? U-Mos seems the type to meet the 'nigh-impenetrable mental presence' with his own unbreakable wall. It seems that Luna didn't actually break through his mental defenses, but still, I would have loved to have seen Luna's face if she realized that U-Mos didn't even stagger from the attack mentally or physically, and that his mind was as impenetrable as her own, if not more so.
Yeesh, I always go on rants about the smallest things. Sorry about that.
Regardless, faved. I wanna see where this goes.
3660012
It's quite understandable. Sometimes it's the little things that can make or break a story.
In any case, I'm glad the first person worked out for you! I tried really hard to get it to feel like U-Mos, because I know exactly how you feel about most first-person fics (that's in fact part of the reason I wanted to write this
).
As for U-Mos being underpowered, I'll admit that you're probably right. He is indeed quite powerful, and I had hoped to show as such in a later chapter. My fear was that if I showed his power this early in the story that it might put off some people. In hindsight, I probably took that a little too far. Thanks for pointing that out. Do you think it's worth a small edit to change that? It wouldn't really affect a whole lot, just that one part.
Lastly, thanks so much for commenting! It's greatly appreciated.
3661048
If all else, just change the part that mentioned that he was weakened after attacking his unknown stalker.
If you wish to leave in the physical staggering when U-Mos was subjected to Luna's attempted mind rape, maybe give the reason that it took U-Mos by surprise, that he had no idea this species was capable of that. It would remove the idea of perceived weakness, while still giving a valid reason as to why he was so staggered.
Of course, maybe a little bit of reaction from Luna when she realizes how well defended his mind is (on par with an alicorn perhaps?) wouldn't be that bad either.
But that is completely optional.
And there is no need to thank me for commenting. I really want to see where this story goes.
Merry Chrysmas, guys!
Once more you blow me away with this chapter.
3679096
Good to know people are enjoying it.
Thanks!
A nice chapter here.
Can't help but wonder about that stalker of his....
3679343
You're right to wonder.
Ah, my favorite creatures in Metroid... the Luminoth.
3701848
Definitely! I was introduced to the series when Prime 2 came out, and I have so many fond memories... except for that damn Boost Guardian.
3702098
... Now, the boss in the Prime series that gave me the most grief? Gandraya.
huh, tyhis is actually somewhat........... itneresting at least. hmmm.
wonder what umos will do when he learns that they are capable of doing thigns similar to highyl advanced tehcnology without a single device at all.
3661333 personally i prefered that. put simply it would make more sense if luna and celesita were far more powerful tahn him by far. they are both millenium old beings that are capable of punching through castle walls with simple magic blasts. he could defend himself to an extent, but he is ultimately not as powerful as either of them.
3789789
Glad you find it interesting.
Quite an interesting story, tis one I would have never had the idea for. I do have several ideas for stories, but all things considered, I absolutely suck at story writing.
3798204
Glad you're interested.
Well, I've found that if you just keep working at it, eventually you'll start doing a few things right.
Now I need to read more. Hurry up with a update!
I love how you seem to have captured umos's character from metroid prime 2 even if he wasn't shown much, that makes this story that much better in my opinion!
Sir,
I would really like for you to possibly finish this story; It was great so far.
Thank you,
Professor Obedire R. Birch.
Very interesting idea, good work so far.
Very nice work, looking forward to future updates.
I like this story a lot even if I don’t remember much from the prime series, but who cares I like this story. >w<